What If My Husband Won't Let Me Tithe?

04/16/12

Author: Roger Barrier

Hi Roger,


I am a Christian married to a Christian. I make significantly more money than my husband. I want to be able to tithe on the money I make and he doesn't want me to. We have plenty of money and no financial burdens or debt. Should I be submissive to my husband on this issue or insist on being able to tithe on the money I make? I would actually like to give more than just a tithe, but 10% to me seems like a compromise. You can reword this question as you wish, but I would value your opinion. I would not like my name to be used to protect my husband.


Name withheld


Dear Name Withheld,


In your case I would not make it a big issue. Yielding to him now is the best way to open the door for tithing later.


Jesus taught that tithing is the natural outcome of a heart of love and obedience to God (Luke 11:42).Your husband is acting like an unbeliever in this area and must be treated as such. Peter advised wives whose husbands were not Christians to win them to Christ by their sacrificial, loving behavior. He went on to say that wives must refrain from nagging and attempting to convince their husbands with rational arguments.


Peter wrote: "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives" (1 Peter 3:1).


Your husband is behaving like he doesn't "believe the word" and is acting like a non-believer! So we follow Peter's advice. Winning him over "without words" in no way precludes a talk as to why he's reluctant to tithe. At the right time, and in the right way, it's OK to explore with him why he refuses to tithe--or to allow you to tithe.


He obviously has issues that are worth exploring. Is he angry with God? Is he blaming God for some past hurt or suffering? Does he think that withholding a tithe makes it even? Does he resent the fact that you make more money? Is he, in a twisted way, building up his ego in trying to "control" the family's finances? Does he think that your church doesn't need it? Or, doesn't deserve it? Could he be addicted to spending and buying? Does lack of faith frighten him into believing that God may not provide if you get into financial trouble? Is he bowing down the god Materialism (Matthew :24).


A frank discussion like this is not designed to get him to tithe as much as it is for him to deal with any internal issues that preclude his giving to the Lord. This not a time for judgment. It is more a time of exploration and perhaps some comfort for the suspected hurts behind his behavior.


Then, at the right time I would let him know that you are going to follow 1 Peter 3:1 and submit to his leadership and that you will keep quiet about the tithing issue. Solomon calls this "heaping burning coals on his head (Proverb 25:22). Peter probably had this verse in mind as he dispensed advice on this subject.


Tell him that if he ever he decides to let you tithe you'll be pleased and grateful. However, until that time you intend to pray for a change in his heart-- and that you will never mention it again.You don't have to worry that Jesus is disappointed in you for not tithing. He understands. You're in the same position as David when he wanted to build the Temple and God told him, "No!"


David was heartbroken. But, then God said to David, "You did well to have it in your heart. I'll give you credit for building it even though you don't."


I believe, Name Withheld, that God is saying much the same thing to you: "I'll still give you credit for it because I know that you have it in your heart.


So, Name Withheld, I hope that this helps you. I hope it also helps many Christian women (and men) who are laboring under the same handicap.
God bless you for your generous and loving heart.


Sincerely, Roger

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Comments

I would say that's pretty sound advice for either a husband or a wife in the same circumstance.
Lance McKnight , 04/19/12 10:59 AM
Um, that's not what submission is about... This is really, really, really bad advice and clearly someone has submitted THEMSELVES to the Western myth of what it means to lovingly submit. Whoever asked this question shouldn't look to this guy for leadership anymore, and should have a serious talk with her husband and members of authority in her church. If that doesn't work, stand up for yourself and don't let your husband pull you down into sin with him. Submitting to him in this would only give the impression that his behavior is okay and moral, which is the complete opposite of what any good Christian woman should do. Men are the head of the house, but head doesn't mean flawless, perfect, superior, and more knowledgeable than women. Decisions are never about him, in fact nothing should never ever be just about him or even mainly about him. He's the head of you and you are his helper, but he's also your servant and he should put your feelings, opinions and thoughts above his own. Jesus is the head of us Christians, yet he never made any decisions or actions that weren't beneficial for us. I doubt Jesus ever thought about Himself once, only doing what was best for His people. He let some Romans peeps beat the crap out of him, strip him of his dignity and pride and torture him to death. Just to save us. Does that sound like your husband? Yeah, I'm pretty sure your man would rather nail you to a cross than take a hit for you like that. Hmm.

Really, you're only supposed to submit to a husband's good judgment, not anything bad or immoral. If your husband asked you to cut your wrists, would you lovingly submit to that as well in order to keep the peace? Sounds absurd, right? Besides, the idea of women submitting does not mean men decide everything a woman does. Do you spend every waking moment giving birth to this children, helping him with his tasks, and being physically affectionate? It's the general idea of marriage, not the standard principle for every action a husband and wife make.

You have to draw the line at some point. God punished Eve's daughters by having their husbands lord their power over them. Then Jesus came around and was all like, "Nah chill son, that punishment doesn't apply here anymore" although the idea of a loving, kind, selfless Headship still does. This pastor is basically imploring you to pretend like Jesus never came around, which is obviously kind of an anti-Christian thing... Yeah...

I know women can't be pastors and men can, but it was never implied that all men can or should pursue that path. Some guys aren't meant to be pastors, aren't meant to be teachers, and certainly shouldn't be dishing out advice that is not supported by the full scripture (notice he gives you snippets while conveniently leaving out the full context). I've seen pastors makes this same argument, and quite frankly it's deplorable and a slippery slope to supporting spousal abuse. No matter how hard you pray, God isn't going to fix your husband from abusing you emotionally and/or physically. Eventually you have to accept that God gave you a gift, called "free will", that gives you the physical and mental capabilities to steer the course of your future. Don't take the lazy way out and depend on God to reach down with some magical fairy wand and zap your problem away. Prayer is a beautiful thing, but it's not the only thing. You don't see any Biblical figure relying on just prayer to get their bizz done and do what God wants from them. Tell your husband in a calm yet straightforward manner what's up, then if all else fails get help from your church/family and friends. He might listen to them, who knows.

And don't take advice from this hack again. =X.
Maxence LaGrange , 06/01/12 05:04 PM

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Dr. Roger Barrier currently serves as senior teaching pastor at Casas Church in Tucson, Arizona.

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