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04/16/12

What If My Husband Won't Let Me Tithe?

Hi Roger,

I am a Christian married to a Christian. I make significantly more money than my husband. I want to be able to tithe on the money I make and he doesn't want me to. We have plenty of money and no financial burdens or debt. Should I be submissive to my husband on this issue or insist on being able to tithe on the money I make? I would actually like to give more than just a tithe, but 10% to me seems like a compromise. You can reword this question as you wish, but I would value your opinion. I would not like my name to be used to protect my husband.

Name withheld

Dear Name Withheld,

In your case I would not make it a big issue. Yielding to him now is the best way to open the door for tithing later.

Jesus taught that tithing is the natural outcome of a heart of love and obedience to God (Luke 11:42).Your husband is acting like an unbeliever in this area and must be treated as such. Peter advised wives whose husbands were not Christians to win them to Christ by their sacrificial, loving behavior. He went on to say that wives must refrain from nagging and attempting to convince their husbands with rational arguments.

Peter wrote: "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives" (1 Peter 3:1).

Your husband is behaving like he doesn't "believe the word" and is acting like a non-believer! So we follow Peter's advice. Winning him over "without words" in no way precludes a talk as to why he's reluctant to tithe. At the right time, and in the right way, it's OK to explore with him why he refuses to tithe--or to allow you to tithe.

He obviously has issues that are worth exploring. Is he angry with God? Is he blaming God for some past hurt or suffering? Does he think that withholding a tithe makes it even? Does he resent the fact that you make more money? Is he, in a twisted way, building up his ego in trying to "control" the family's finances? Does he think that your church doesn't need it? Or, doesn't deserve it? Could he be addicted to spending and buying? Does lack of faith frighten him into believing that God may not provide if you get into financial trouble? Is he bowing down the god Materialism (Matthew :24).

A frank discussion like this is not designed to get him to tithe as much as it is for him to deal with any internal issues that preclude his giving to the Lord. This not a time for judgment. It is more a time of exploration and perhaps some comfort for the suspected hurts behind his behavior.

Then, at the right time I would let him know that you are going to follow 1 Peter 3:1 and submit to his leadership and that you will keep quiet about the tithing issue. Solomon calls this "heaping burning coals on his head (Proverb 25:22). Peter probably had this verse in mind as he dispensed advice on this subject.

Tell him that if he ever he decides to let you tithe you'll be pleased and grateful. However, until that time you intend to pray for a change in his heart-- and that you will never mention it again.You don't have to worry that Jesus is disappointed in you for not tithing. He understands. You're in the same position as David when he wanted to build the Temple and God told him, "No!"

David was heartbroken. But, then God said to David, "You did well to have it in your heart. I'll give you credit for building it even though you don't."

I believe, Name Withheld, that God is saying much the same thing to you: "I'll still give you credit for it because I know that you have it in your heart.

So, Name Withheld, I hope that this helps you. I hope it also helps many Christian women (and men) who are laboring under the same handicap.
God bless you for your generous and loving heart.

Sincerely, Roger

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Comments

When Jesus died on the cross, so did tithing. See Hebrews 7:5,12,18.

The New Testament calls for generous, sacrificial giving, from the heart, and NOT under compulsion. Tithing was like a tax. It had nothing to do with giving nor the heart.

Christians give, not tithe.

Gary Arnold , 04/16/12 06:36 PM

The tithe surely is a word we hear Jesus mention only once in New Testament scripture, and Paul only once in all the epistles, in Hebrews 7. It therefore is mentioned less than 1 percent in all New Testament scripture. What's the big deal? God bless all the non tithing Christians! But like Gary said, giving is the correct term!!

justin butler , 04/18/12 12:42 AM

I have been a tither for many years, and believe in it wholheartedly. Just because Jesus mentions something only once, does that mean we disregard it? What Jesus has to say is wayyyy more important that what any of your educated opinions have to say, and He said not to disregard tithing!!! ""Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices--mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law--justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former." HE said..."without NEGLECTING the FORMER (tithing)!As far as the advice given, I believe that anything a non-believing spouse desires of us that does not line up with the Word of God, or when a spouse tries to persuade us to disobey the Word of God- we are NOT required to submit!!!SUBMIT to God!

Kimberly Crayton , 04/18/12 01:11 PM

@Kimberly,

YOU don't tithe per the scriptures. No one does. Notice Jesus said they ought to tithe their HERBS, but said NOTHING about them tithing from their income from their professions as lawyers and teachers.

God defined His tithe in Leviticus 27:30-33 as a tenth of the increase of the seed (crops) and animals in herds and flocks, NOT money, and NOT from anyone's income.

Have you ever read what the scriptures say you are to do with the tithe? Read Deut. 14:22-29. Do YOU follow the scriptures?

The Biblical tithe was to be EATEN by the tither, his family, the Levites, the priests, the widows, the orphans, and the stranger.

Is that what you do? OR, do you instead follow the teachings of MAN to take a tenth of your income to the church? That is not tithing.

No Christian Church in the US ever taught anyone to tithe on their income before 1870. Do the research and read your Bible.

Pastors never seem to explain the truth about the Biblical tithe.

First, ONLY those who inherited the promised land with everything on it were commanded to tithe. In other words, God GAVE to them their land and all buildings already on that land, including houses, barns, etc. No mortgage payment. No rent payment. Free and clear. Then God said He reserved a tenth of the crops and animals that HE would increase. He gave them the land and buildings, and then the crops and animals, but reserved, for Himself, a tenth of the crops and animals. He gave them their home and their job! He never asked them to pay Him a tenth of any money they earned; i.e. from selling the food from the crops and animals, or from bartering the crops and animals, or from any other income or earnings.

Now, wouldn't it be nice if today God gave each of us a piece of land with a house on it, free and clear, and only required us to pay Him a tenth of what we earn? That would be a great deal for most of us.

What tithing was in Biblical times and how the church teaches tithing today is like comparing apples to automobiles. It is like comparing a gift to a debt. There is nothing common between the two other than tenth.

It's a real shame how the tithing scam has spread around the world. I am sure God is not pleased.

Gary Arnold , 04/18/12 08:42 PM

A person is acting like a non-believer because he does not want to tithe? Unbelievable! His refusal to tithe might be an indication of some hurt or frustration with God? Amazing!

Please do now sow discord in people’s homes with this rather unbiblical take on the tithe. Nowhere in scripture are we told that the New Testament church is supposed to tithe and Jesus never ever taught that tithing is the natural outcome of a heart of love and obedience to God.

The rule of thumb in the New Testament on giving is that anything given willingly and cheerfully is acceptable. No tithes are commanded.

@Kimberly, if you tithe anything other than mint, dill and cummin, then you are not obeying the words of Jesus. The biblical tithes consisted of crops, grains, wine, olive oil, flocks and herds alone. Nowhere in the bible is a tithe of money commanded.

God bless.

Tony Isaac , 04/19/12 07:48 AM

this is what gets me: supposedly educated pastors and ministers that DO NOT rightly divide the Word. then give faulty counsel to people who need a real answer to their problems. tithing was part of the law which Christ fulfilled at calvary. Galatians 3:10-14

tim terry , 04/23/12 08:41 AM

Dear Tony,
Thanks for the helpful comments. While I happen to disagree with most of your conclusions on tithing, using the word "unbeliever" was not good. I make a mistake there. What would have been better was to say that he was acting like a "carnal Christian."

Thanks again,
Roger

roger barrier , 04/25/12 08:07 PM

@Roger,

You are still saying that one that does not tithe is acting like a "carnal Christian."

Let's use some common sense here. You, Sir, are using a man-made definition of tithing while Tony and I are using God's definition of tithing. You are using the worldly definition, while we are using the Godly definition. Now be honest here. Who is acting like a "carnal Christian" here?

Gary Arnold , 04/26/12 12:40 PM

Carnal christian? That is even worse! To be honest, I don't get you at all. Just as Gary stated, you give your own definition to biblical things and then turn around and call someone else carnal. That is quite disappointing to say the least. I most sincerely hope "Name withheld" does not take your advice as it would definitely destroy her home

Tony Isaac , 04/27/12 04:08 AM

1. The teaching that "God expects Believers to give 10% of their income as an act of faith, obedience, and love. And if they do, God will bless them. But if they don't, they're robbing God and cursed with a curse"

Evelyn Marie , 05/09/12 04:11 AM

Evelyn Marie , 05/09/12 04:12 AM

Evelyn Marie , 05/09/12 04:13 AM

The teaching that "God expects Believers to give 10% of their income as an act of faith, obedience, and love. And if they do, God will bless them. But if they don't, they're robbing God and cursed with a curse"

Evelyn Marie , 05/09/12 04:17 AM

Dear Evelyn, thanks for taking to share your thoughts. I will respond to point four below. I encourage you to turn to Genesis 14:17-20 which occured long before the Old Testament covenant. Tithing transends the OT and the NT as an eternal principle and activity for all people to follow.
Also, do an indepth study of Hebrews 7 and note the eternal relationship between Jesus and Melchizedek in all things regarding to God.

I hope you will enjoy this study.

God Bless you,

Love, Roger

roger barrier , 05/09/12 03:52 PM

@Roger,

You state that tithing started before the law and therefore is an eternal principle. There are many things that started before the law that are not considered eternal principles. That is faulty reasoning.

Furthermore, the ONLY example of a tithe being given before the law is Abram giving a tenth of war spoils to Melchizedek and kept nothing for himself. The Word does not tell us WHY Abram gave the tenth. IF God had given such a law to Abram, then he abolished that law when the Mosaic law came into being as under the Mosaic law, God did NOT require a tenth of war spoils, but rather 1.1% (Numbers 31). Therefore, to say tithing was before the law and then in the law is not true. What Abram did in no way resembles the Mosaic laws of tithing.

The Bible clearly shows that the tithe ENDED at the cross in the Book of Hebrews. The ONLY place in the Bible, after Calvary, that tithing appears is in Hebrews 7. In the first nine verses of Hebrews 7 the words tenth or tithes appears SEVEN TIMES.

Hebrews 7:5 (KJV) “And verily they that are of the sons of Levi, who receive the office of the priesthood, have a commandment to take tithes of the people according to the law, that is, of their brethren, though they come out of the loins of Abraham:”

Verse 5 is the first occurrence of the words TITHES, COMMANDMENT and LAW.

Hebrews 7:12 (KJV) “For the priesthood being changed, there is made of necessity a change also of the law.”

Hebrews 7:18 (KJV) “For there is verily a disannulling of the commandment going before for the weakness and unprofitableness thereof.”

The word COMMANDMENT in verse 18 must be referring to the word COMMANDMENT in verse 5 which is referring to the tithe.

Therefore, the COMMANDMENT to TITHE was disannulled.

Gary Arnold , 05/09/12 08:00 PM

Dear Roger,
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article on racism and found this link as a result. This issue (on tithing/giving)is one I have studied extensively. For many years, I was a tither and believed that it was the right thing to do--because it was what I had been taught all of my life, and I never questioned it.
When evidence to the contrary was first presented to me, I couldn't give an educated response, but I narrow-mindedly stuck to my guns for several more years until God (I believe) convicted me to put aside my preconceived notions and study His Word on the subject, for MYSELF.
When I did one of the things that I couldn't deny was the Law/Grace factor. If we really believe that Grace which came by Jesus released us from the tutelage of the Law--which was temporary, then it couldn't just be bits and pieces of the Law, but ALL of the Law. In your racism article, you end with Matthew 22:37-40--which is probably one of the most pivotal Grace scripture passages in the Bible, because it tells us that ALL OF THE LAW hangs on LOVE, which is the way everything works in the grace dispensation (even faith according to Galatians 5:13). Love is important because our giving along with everything else we do from the time the temple veil was rent in twain, MUST be governed by love, not laws and rules. Our giving is not based on percentages--Jesus was teaching us that when He showed us that the poor widow gave the most even though she gave the least, because she gave sacrificially (When He told the Pharisees that they shouldn't omit tithing--they were still under the Law, but His major point here was to focus on the inward things of the heart, and not the outward, showy things that men see).
In the NT church, giving was according to need and according to love--and, as was purposed in "a man's heart". The biggest problem with tithing is that it LIMITS giving. People become very satisfied with ten percent when the need is often 90 percent--and the ability to give is far greater than 10 percent. Additionally, there was no command to tithe prior to the Law or after the Law of Moses. Prior to the Law, both Abraham and Jacob gave the tithe voluntarily--as a gift because they had been blessed.
During the early church there was no tithing system in place until the second century when it was instituted by the Roman Catholic Church--and even then (at its inception) it was voluntary. Later it became mandatory. If the apostles who walked with Jesus understood that tithing was not God's plan for the Church and did not receive contributions by that system why would we continue it, today?
Tithing was meant for an agrarian society, not a monetary one. There is no fairness in the tithe in a monetary system. Consider two individuals who earn (respectively) $10000/mo and $1000/mo tithing--for one tithing will always be a hardship. For the other, tithing will only be a hardship if he makes lifestyle choices that cause him to live a desires-based lifestyle rather than a needs-based lifestyle.
Finally, if we are going to tithe scripturally then there are some things missing. Jews don't tithe today because it is illegal for them to tithe because there is no temple at Jerusalem and no Levitical priesthood in place at the temple (in Jerusalem) to receive the tithe. In light of these things, I think it is time for pastors and church leaders to, at the very least, revisit the issue and stop pronouncing curses on those who do not tithe.
Many who do not tithe give more than the tithe, but that is unknown and in their churches. Many have been mistreated because they have followed the Word of God, literally.

LISA CROOMS , 05/20/12 08:38 PM

Lisa,

I believe you are wrong when you said that tithing is only for an agrarian society not a monetary one, what do you think the widow gave? Two copper coins, for the expense of the Temple, not grain (Mark 12:41-44). You already have it figured out and justify that those who make less must in some way have it tough and therefore anything they give is a hardship. For giving to be real, it must be sacrificial. Unfortunately, for many of us, this is untrue. We rarely do without our pleasures, but instead we hold back. I believe God put this story in the Bible for a reason, to show us all how we should give. The widow gave because she wanted to and thought nothing of the hardship. That is where God wants us to be. How we get there, well, 10% is a good place to start.

Bonnie

Tony and Gray,

I have only one question for you two, do you give like the poor widow in Mark 12:41-44? If not, then maybe you should start with 10%.

Bonnie

Bonnie Hayes , 05/29/12 01:00 AM

@Bonnie,

To answer your question, I neither give like the widow in Mark 12 nor do I EAT FROM THE TITHE as the widows did. The widows did NOT tithe, but rather RECEIVED a portion of the tithe. See Deut. 14:28-29.

Rather than following an Old Testament law that ended at the cross, I am Spirit led. Being Spirit led, I find myself giving far, far more than a mere tenth of my income.

Gary Arnold , 05/29/12 12:24 PM

@Bonnie, How does the way Gary and I give lean weight to your view? Has the bible set us both as standards all must aspire to? Say something meaningful and prove it from scriptures.

Tony Isaac , 05/30/12 10:50 AM

Gary and Tony,

The reason I brought up the window's mites is that she gave her all, 100%. Her story was put in the Bible for a reason; to set us to a standard we all hope to aspire to. You both seem to think that money meant nothing to Jesus, but you would be wrong. In Luke 12:33-34 Jesus makes it very clear to, “Sell your possessions and give to the poor”, not your grain, wheat, or barley, but your stuff. For He knew, that were your treasure is, your heart would be also. Jesus was trying to tell us that if you want to know where your heart is… money will show you. Our job is to share this truth with others and not sugarcoat it. Jesus warned us about our possessions and we should do the same and then… let the Holy Spirit do the rest.

Bonnie

Bonnie Hayes , 08/02/12 02:01 AM

I am discouraged right now. I want to give the full 10% as a guide, but we only give 1 - 2% on my husband's wishes. I am a stay-at-home, homeschool mom. We don't spend friviously. I am the budget person in the home (because I'm good a math and my husband hates it) and record every cent onto my Excel program. If we give 10%, there will be no money for homeschooling, car maintenance and so forth. We will go in to debt and probably have to claim bankruptcy or lose our house. This probably sounds a lack of faith on my part.

I guess I really have to study this for myself to know what's really right. I have to lean on the Holy Spirit to guide me instead of reading other people's beliefs. Does the Holy Spirit tell each of us differently what we are supposed to do? Or is it one-size-fits-all?

Thank you all for sharing your verses. I am going to dig deep on this one, because it has been bothering me for years. Is it conviction by the Holy Spirit or induced guilt by Satan?

So here I go. Study, study, study. And hopefully, the Holy Spirit will show me a very clear answer without my fleshly agenda being involved.

Keep sharing your verses and I will look at both sides.

Charity Machiela , 08/07/12 02:09 PM

Dear Charity,
Your situation is about the same as mine and how you are handling seems ok, but I am not the Judge. I cannot whitewash things, but only speak the truth in love. That is why I shared with Tony and Gary. I got the impression that they did not think they had to give as the people in the OT gave, and therefore, I had to speak up.
There are many verses in the bible about money and the reason for that is to warn us of the dangers of riches. The idea that, giving in the OT is different from the NT is false. God does not change. If you read Matthew 5:21-22 Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago (OT), “Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.” But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, Raca (“You brainless one!”), is answerable to the Sanhedrin (I believe a priest or court person). But anyone who says, “You fool!” will be in danger of the fire of hell.” Which do you think is harder to obey? Not murdering or not calling someone a fool? I would say the ladder. Jesus came to earth to change our hearts. He wants us to obey his commandments, but he also wants us to do it out of love. Yes, a tithe is what was given in the OT, but after what you just read, do you think Jesus would want less in the NT? I for one think not. Our goal should always be 100%, but how we get there is between the Holy Spirit and us.
Hope this helps and I will be praying for both of us:),
Bonnie

Bonnie Hayes , 11/25/12 10:30 PM