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Why Do Men Abuse Their Wives? God's Hope is Available


Author: Dr. John Kie Vining

Men who abuse their wives are usually passive and dependent individuals. They find it difficult to express emotions and to deal with anger in nonviolent ways. Often, they did not have a close relationship with their mother. They may never have formed a close, warm, intimate relationship with a woman at all. Men who abuse their spouses often have low self-esteem and their wives do as well. Power and control are also essential features in the dynamics of spouse abuse.

A wife abuser tends to be filled with anger, resentment, suspicion, tension and fear. Often the husband may simply be displacing his anger about his situation or circumstances onto his wife. He is, in essence, using her as a vent for the frustrations of his life. He believes that home is one place where he can express those feelings without punishment to himself. For instance, anger with his boss couldn’t be acted upon without dire circumstances. Yet, all too often he gets away without penalty when he beats his wife. She becomes the target of his vengeance, and he gets the satisfaction he is looking for.

The abusive husband often exhibits the following traits:

He has low self esteem. He blames circumstances for his problems and does not assume personal responsibility for his actions. He is pathologically jealous, and often exhibits a dual personality. He has severe stress reactions, during which he uses drinking and wife-battering to cope. He frequently uses sex as an act of aggression to enhance his self-esteem in view of waning virility. The abusive husband demonstrates unpredictable behavior, belittles his partner, rages with uncontrolled anger and later often asks for a second chance.

Abusive husbands are chameleons. They say they will change and will not hit again. They play on their wives' guilt (If you loved me, you would….) They are closed-minded and believe their way is the only way. Outwardly, the abuser may seem charming, gregarious and even gentle to family members. But beneath the surface they dislike women and believe that “a woman’s place is in the home and that men have the right to control women.” They often witnessed abuse in their home growing up, and frequently abuse their children as well.

Most women suffer these attacks for years before they finally determine to take steps to keep from being victims or further abuse. The first step for a woman to take is to admit to herself that she is being abused and that she is not being treated fairly. She has the right to feel safe from physical harm, especially in her own home. No one, including a husband, has the right to hurt another individual. In addition, abused women need to work on their self-image with a trusted counselor or pastor in order to develop better feelings about themselves.

In her book Stopping Wife Abuse, Jennifer Baker Felming says the following attitudes are positive and useful. God’s Word tells us we are loved and valued by Him, but the abused wife often believes lies and is deceived by Satan.

Here are some truths to bring emotional healing to the battered wife. She is not to blame for being beaten and abused. She is not the cause of another’s behavior. She should not like or want the abuse. She does not, I repeat, does not have to take it. She is a worthy woman, precious to God, and deserves to be treated with respect. She does have Divine power to take charge of her life. She can use that power and the grace of God to take care of herself, to decide what is best for her and her children, and can make changes in her life. She is never alone. Jesus promised not to leave her or forsake her.

Dear wife, you can ask others for help. The Body of Christ and Christian counselors are ready and waiting to help and support you. Emergency shelters for women, hotlines, women’s organizations, social service agencies, community mental health centers and hospital emergency rooms are all safe places for shelter. You deserve to make your own life safe and happy, and can hold hope for the future.

“For your Maker is you husband—the LORD Almighty is His name. The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:5 NIV

Vining, John Kie. When Home Is Where the Hurt Is: A Ministry Intervention Guide for Trauma Victims.  Family Ministry Publications, pp. 73-78.


Felming, Jennifer Baker. Stopping Wife Abuse. New York: Anchor Books Doubleday, 1979.





I am an abused wife and have been for 7 years my husband has punched me choked me slapped me and verbally abuses me often. He's told me that he makes me and that I am nothing without him. He calls me names and it hurts so bad and I want to leave and I don't know how. Please pray for me. I just ran from an abusive relationship for 8 years and before that one for two why do I keep picking these type of men.
Tina Yarbrough , 11/09/10 09:24 PM
Im married for 4 years now.Iam 28 years old and my husband is 31 years old. We use to attend the same school, his my best friends oldder brother. Iam very close to his family and I love them very much. We both are Christians, and beileive in the word of God. But ever since ive been with my husband he has promised so many times that he will change but i find myself back in the same situation again. Just last week he hit me for wanting to watch tv and he wanted me to be in bed beside him. So as i go downstairs a few minutes later he comes down n punches me pulls my hair n trys to scar my face. Iam sssssoooo far away from home and he does this to me.Ive asked him severel times to live but he says he will change. Ive gone to work with a black eye n stuff. I even sometimes hide my hands. Im so tired n woren out, we fight n its about the small things that dont mean anything. I love him n pray for him, i cant walk away becoz i come from a strong christain home. But before all of that.U see when i was small my dad was an abusive alcoholic and i witnessed it. And now that im married im seeing everything coming back to haunt me again.I dont know what to do any more.
alice ov , 03/02/11 07:37 PM
I'am 23 years old,and i gor married when i was 19. i been married 5 years now. i got 2 kids... as of right now my husband is pass out .he was drunk and he came home and pick a fight and when i told him i just want to sleep he punch me and grap my hair ans says i don't care about him just because i didn't want to talk to him...i really don't know what to do.. i love my two daughter so much..i don't want them to be grow up and see that they don't have their parent toghter..Please Pray for me and my is sunday i suppose to go to the church,but i can't my eyes can't open cause i been crying all night..Please help me pray for me and my daughter....
maliena y , 05/01/11 07:29 AM
I am 26 years old and have one son who is nearly two. I ask that you pray for me please. I have come from a previous relationship where i was battered. I vowed that i wouldnt let another man hit me, but here is the man i meant to love who hurts me just as bad- he may as well. He abuses and yells everyday in front of my son how much he hates me, he says everything imaginable to make me feel degraded and powerless. his abuse breaks me into submission. I ask that you will pray for me to be able to break free. He has left me struggling with my son. How am I meant to provide? He does not want to help. He can but refuses. Its so hard. please pray for strength and faith. i want to be happy. I want my son to be happy. I want this sad story to end
t rowan , 05/17/11 04:28 AM
I have been verbally abused by my husband for over 20 years now. There are times that months will go by and he is fine and then all of a sudden he starts up again. If I raise my voice to answer back, he gets worse. I've tried to keep my mouth shut but it's hard to do when someone is verbally abusing you and talking to you like you don't exist. When I suggest that he see his doctor he replies back that he has no problem...I do. It's just a vicious cycle. When things don't go the way he wants them to or people don't give him the answer he wants to hear, he starts in. We are both in our early 70's and retired. I don't need this. He's told me that if I don't like it, we could just split everything 50-50 since we live in a community property state. A year ago May, he came home after buying a $47K brand new 2010 Ford Mustang without my consent. You can imagine the shock I had when he showed it to me. I was then told that I had to pay for half of it and I said "no way....I never agreed to this and had no idea that he was buying a new car"....he just sprung it on me when I came home. At least once a year for about 5 days, he "takes off" and stays at a local hotel here in town to "think". His behavior has not gone unnoticed by our friends and especially people that we see all the time up at the clubhouse. He has embarrassed not only me but himself but doesn't see it that way. When asked "what's going on with him", I just say that he is in one of his moods and it will pass. There is no love left anymore....he ruined that a very long time ago. The thing that hurt the most last week was when he asked me if I had Medic Alert and I told him that he knew I didn't. He said do you know how long it takes to die when you collapse on the floor? Well, if you do collapse, I'll be standing right there watching and won't be calling 911. I suspect he has Bipolar disorder as all the symptoms he has points to that but when I mention this, he just goes off on me. At one time, he was a very nice person but now, I don't know who he is. In front of other people, he is nice and gushes all over them. Then at a moment's notice, he can change. I can't seem to find anywhere in the bible where it says that women should submit to abuse from their husbands. We've been to counseling over the years but it never lasted as he walked out. Since each visit is $100, we decided to just stop as it wasn't doing any good and he said they didn't know what they were talking about. Am seriously thinking of just ending this marriage as it is taking a toll on me and my heart, which by the way, I have a new heart valve and dual pacemaker....I don't care to have a stroke caused by all the stress he is giving me. Any suggestions?
Angel Evans , 06/14/11 08:38 AM
I am 31 years old and 9 months pregnant. My husband started out as the sweetest guy giving me more attention than you could imagine. We got married in april and it has been a downward spiral ever since. It started out with him getting mad and hitting walls and throwing stuff and saying mean things and leaving for an hour or two then coming back and apologizing. It has now turned into him smacking me spitting on me screaming in my face how much he hates me and how hes going to kill me and leaving for days at a time. He was the provider and lost his job about a month ago so we have no money to pay any bills and he says its not his problem hes not getting another job. Me being as far along as i am I have no way to support myself financially. It makes me so sad I remember all the good times and I just dont understand what I did to make him hate me so much. He says its all my fault and I make him act like this. He accuses me of cheating on him which i never have but with all of his online time i checked his emails and am pretty sure he has been the one cheating. Please pray for both of us. Im heartbroken.
kris k , 09/15/11 12:03 AM
To read and everyone of this storys breaks my haert I know what each one of u are going through and feel, As u guys I was married for 5 yrs to an abusive husband(got married at 20 left at 24)who would choke me,slap me,push me and called me the worst of the worst and every time after every. Hit or slap it would be a I'm sorry I won't do it again but nothing ever change till this January I said enough is enough he was almost going to kill me with a kick on my stomach,my Son was motivation and till this day his all I need and Thanks to the Lord I been pulling it through its a hard bumpie road and it hurts but its possible none of u desrve to be treated like that u woman are worth so much more than a slap or a name,plzz get out of that relationship before its to late especialy if u have babys there the once that at the end carrie and suffer the consequences.may the lord bless n help each one of u ladys.
saray garcia , 10/12/11 12:18 AM
i have been in my relationship for seven years. But we've only been married for 10mths. i really love my husband. but i'm not to sure if his love for me is as strong as mine is for him. Although, he has never punched. he has chocked me until i have blacked out, forced me to have sex, snatched a plug of my hair out,slammed my face into the wall and almost broke my arm. All of tis before marriage. But he stopped the physcal abuse three years ago. Now the verbal is starting back to surface. Tell me if I'm dumb to believe that part will stop eventually? and one day be a happily married couple? please pray for us and our marriage.
asia --- , 11/02/11 11:06 PM
First of all, I pray for all of you, as I can sympathize with the pain that you all are in. I am currently in the same pain.

However, I am on the other side of the fence, I am a man who has just abused/hit my wife in front of our 5 month old. Believe me, I am in just as much pain (at least emotionally).

In no way am I condoning wife abuse, but in my case I just don't know what to do. My wife is not a very good person (selfish, negative, self-serving, unsupportive, etc), and I've tried to end the relationship many times in the past, only to be coaxed back in and promised that things will change. But, to make a long story short, we always get back into fights because she always starts it for no reason. And I can't stand her disrespectfulness and negativity all the time. When possible I just yield and avoid, because our discussion never lead to anything positive, because she is a very unreasonable person who will say ANYTHING to avoid admitting fault. And the yielding pents up into anger which will eventually erupt into warnings to back off. She won't back off and only adds fuel to the fire, and the abuse begins. Only to be fueled more by her continued verbal abuse, which is returned by more physical abuse by me. It just escalates until I stop myself and leave the room to cool down.

Now I know that we are not right for eachother (which I have known for the last 2 years), but I don't know what to do now that we have our 5 month old son. I don't want to continue in this unmeaningful relationship, but i also don't want my son to be fatherless (because she wants custody of my son of course).

I am not the kind of person that likes to abuse a woman (which I've never done before my wife), but I just don't know what to do now that we have our son. Please pray for us all, as I will pray for all of you.
Anthony X , 11/14/11 10:52 AM
None of you deserve this.

You need to think about your kids and get out of the abusive relationship, and not soon, NOW!

There comes a time when it's too late, then your children are left alone with the man that has eventually taken your life. If you don't do something to stop the abuse, you will put your kids in a situation where they will be the next target. Trust me.

No religion shall bind you to a life of torture and misery. God will give you the strength to leave if you allow yourself to be strong.

cindy macdonald , 01/24/12 01:08 AM
Hello everyone I am 23 years old and I met my husband when I was 21 he is 21 years older then me and he abuses me too. In the beginning he was really nice and kind and wanted to do everything for me and loved having me around and seemed like he feel in love with me fast. Next I moved in with him and he would drink and break stuff. Then he started chocking me and pushing me around. For a while there he stopped then ar got married and I thought everything would get better since he always thinks I am going to cheat and I wad trying to show him but it did not. It has got worse. I am not really allowed to do anything without him and he is mean to me verbally and is always negative and down. He even talks aggressive and since married he has spit on me and last week he attacked me punching me multiple times in my face and head and he made my front left tooth loose and swole my lips. I went to the dentist the next day and they put braces on my front teeth till the gums tighten. If you see him you would think what a nice looking man and he seems like a.wonderful husband but looks can be decieving and behind doors is its not right. It just stinks because my dad and mom is not around so I have to deal with this now. I wish I never met him and put myself in this situation. I hope God will help us.
Melissa s , 03/25/12 03:07 PM
I am writting because I don't know what else to do or think.I get loratab 10's because I have ostoritis and copd,and in a lot of pain all of the time.I guess he bought some pills I didn't even know he had you blamed me for stilling his pill's.witch I never thought he would ever do's been really bad since we got married in november.I pay all the bill's.If he get's money he takes it all back.lies,sneeks,eat's all the food it could be a week gone by that I dont eat at a he woke me up and said he was gonna take me to get something to eat.started a fight and called me a b--ch.I'm planning my escape right now.I know I have to get away and file a restraining order and divorce.before I end up dead.please prey I get out without getting hurt or killed,ty and god bless.p.s.i know he's a drug addict and drunk today he was caught in his sneekyness
Brandi Lovos , 04/01/12 03:04 AM
I am 17 years old and i am in relationship with a guy and he treats nice and tells me he want to marry na me and be with me forever and ever any advice or feedback on what should i do with this relationship should it be serious because i am very scared to fall for this guy and he is not the one....and i've always said i dont want to get married or have kids and these are one of the biggest fear i have is to get abused i've abused all ready through child years and when i get older i dont want to go through that but i've been through alot with abuse and i am reading this i fell love and i feel so sad and i am crying for all of these women on here and i will be praying for all of you women i love you all i might not know you but i feel you in spirit i am a christian also and i will be praying....My God, I can no longer recognize the face that I see in the mirror. Where was the radiant bride that stood here merely five years ago? Where was the young woman full of hope, full of love and full of the promises of a brand new life ahead of her?“Guard my life and rescue me:
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
“May integrity and uprightness
protect me,
because my hope is in you.”
(Psalm 25:20-21)

You will overcome personal fears of failure, of being alone or of having to prove yourself to others. You can look in the mirror and approve of the "you" God created.
Old thought patterns are replaced with new and the metamorphosis from "Victim to " Victor becomes a reality. You are more than a conqueror through Him that loves you. Learning to live Victorously is a process that takes time. We have to train our senses to know right from wrong.Pray harder—prayer changes things.You are not alone.Abuse is wrong. It is not your fault.You did not deserve being hit.You are not responsible for his behavior.No one deserves to be talked to that way.Your first responsibility is to protect yourself and your children.God does not condone abuse. He wants you to be safe.God will not abandon you regardless of your choices.Hear our cries as we agonize
over the harm done to our brothers and sisters.
Breathe wisdom into our prayers,
soothe restless hearts with hope,
steady shaken spirits with faith:
Show us the way to justice and wholeness,
enlightened by truth and enfolded in your mercy.

Holy Spirit, comforter of hearts,
heal your people’s wounds
and transform our brokenness.
Grant us courage and wisdom, humility and grace,
so that we may act with justice
and find peace in you.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.
Danielle Charley , 04/23/12 11:06 PM
She used to laugh with abandon,

but she is scared to feel joy,

for it is so very fleeting.

She cringes at the sound of his coming.

Tears fill her eyes,

for she knows that no matter how she tries,

she will not be good enough

or pretty enough

or smart enough

for the one who thinks he is perfect.

She puts up her invisible wall,

and he wonders why.

She cries rivers of tears,

and he steps over them,

afraid of getting his feet wet.

Sometimes she prays

for his demise,

and at the same time

prays for her soul,

lost in wicked imaginings.

Sometimes she prays

to disappear.

Finally she would be free.she deflects them with silence.

When he soaks her in his poison,

she prays it will not seep into her soul...

for she knows she is better than this.

She gives until she is spent.

She loves until she is depleted.

She used to sing like an angel,

but her voice has been stilled.A girl forgotten and unloved,
Been bruised and beaten, pushed and shoved.

How are some girls worth fighting for…
While I’m all alone…bleeding on the floor.

God, where are you?! Rescue me!
I cried aloud, and He came to me.

I looked in the mirror and saw Him there,
He held me and told me how much He cares.

He let me know I’m not alone,
He called me His princess, an heir to the throne.

He touched my heart and healed my wounds,
I traded it in for His sweet perfume.

Mirror, Mirror now I see,
The lovely woman He’s called me to be.

His love and goodness, they changed my heart,
He erased my past and gave me a fresh start.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Danielle Charley , 04/23/12 11:11 PM
I bless this home in the name of Jesus. I bless my husband in the name of Jesus. I bless my daughter in the name of Jesus. I bless my ______-in-law in the name of Jesus. I bless the pillow on which my husband lays his head in the name of Jesus; that he will sleep well and rest in the Love of Christ. I bless the bed on which my husband sleeps in the name of Jesus; that he will rest well and be strengthened to find work to support his family.
d Charley , 04/23/12 11:12 PM
my husband is verbaly abusive i need prayer
carla lavelle , 05/08/12 05:20 PM
A man will abuse a woman for many reasons. At the heart of these relationships is the need for power and control. the man may have a sense of inadequacy, job frustrations and sex roles issues.
Also, many men who are abusive are very jealous and insecure and have very poor communication skills. A lot of men who are abusive are very polite and passive in public, yet they may behave abusive at home.

Stella Harris , 11/14/12 12:25 AM
I am 18 years old. I do not have an abusive husband, or boyfriend. I have a very aggressive father. It breaks my heart to even think about it, but my father has always beaten my mom for as long as I can remember. When i think about my childhood years,that is the first thing that pops in my mind. My father beating and dragging my mom on the floor. He would beat her, for whatever reason and sometimes lock her outside of the house and my mom would cry all night long, telling my dad to open the door. In return, my mom would let out her anger on me. When i would do something bad, she would exaggerate her punishment and beat me really hard. As I got older, my father changed, he wasn't so angry anymore, which also caused my mother to change as well. Now I feel as if my father is doing it again once more. I have a younger sister who was crying because she had a diaper rash, and my dad came up to her and started forcebly shutting her mouth so she would shut up. I could not allow this, I am not my mother and I would never let him try to do what he did to us on my baby sister. So i quickly pushed his hand away from her twice and after the second time he grabbed me by the hair and started dragging me across the floor. My mom came in and started crying telling my dad to stop.The worst part was the my baby sister so all of this, that is what hurts me the most. So my mother kept telling him to stop, and he pushed her and started yelling at her too. Then he stopped and took out a belt and began hitting me with it..and my mom tried to cover me. Which then he hit her with the belt so she would get out of the way. In defiance, like a said I dont wanna kneel down to him like my mother does or ask him to stop. i gave my back to him and told him to keep going. I did not cry, i just took it. I want him to realize what kind of monster he is. He is not my father. i father is a person who loves and protects his family. That night, i lost the little that was left from my father and I have not spoken to him for over about a year. He has not asked for forgiveness. Many of you might say that I am being harsh in not speaking to him, but I dont want him to apologize since it would mean nothing to me, like i said i have no father. I am sad, i really am and it hurts me to have no one. But i rather be alone, than accept what my mother has accepted as a father to her daughters.
Maria Diaz , 11/27/12 11:23 PM
i have been an abusive wife from the time im married i dont no y, my husband takes full advantage of me always, cuss, fight and try to embarrass me always, i have two handsome son's for him yet he do abuse me, when i got married to him he never had children he was 40 yrs without children i was 28 then and was still a virgin, i beg god to talk to him and make him married me before sex and he did but under sever presure, when married i immediately ask god to bless my womb to have him children since he nver did and immediatly i got pregnant i continue to pray and ask god for a house, and i did hve it, i ask got for a truck for him to work and bring in money and i did i ask god for a car and he give me all that, im a good and faithful woman to my husband and i should not be treated this way, not too long ago he called me teling me he wll burn the house down, i belive strongly in god and if he do that i pray that god will punish him severely and that he will never see any good in his live, Amen
deborrah wilson , 12/14/12 06:06 AM
I was with my husband for 17 years and married for 10. There were signs that something was wrong but I could not place my finger on it. 6 years later we were married. Then the abuse kicked in. He would yell and scream at me as soon as he got home for days on end. When I got pregnant I was so happy. But my husband was not. He turned cold, emotional distant, lacking in kind words and absent from normal things like lamas classes and prenatal appointments. When I had my son he hardly even came to the hospital after the delivery (I was hospitalized for a week with each child). I just could not understand why he mistreated me so often. I am above average in all conventional ways. Beautiful, educated, hardworking business women, loyal and God fearing. How come he did not love me? Well needless to say he showed me how much he loved me with non stop affairs, destroyed my credit and my drivers license and emotionally/physically abused me and the kids. After I while I found out he was a compulsive thief and a liar. I felt trapped and stuck and embarrassed at choosing such a broken man. The last straw was that I broke my hip and had to stay home. We were separated but decided to go to counseling and try to fix it yet again. So one afternoon i called him because the school called and said my son was having trouble. His phone turned on and I could hear him having sex in his truck (he was supposed to be in the office). I recorded it and then when he got home I played it back for him. He told me to kill him! he tried to force me to pick up the knife in the kitchen to stab him with it. I simply said no. This nightmare ends with me. I got a restraining order and ask the judge to force him into counseling before he could get the kids for visitation because of his suicide threats. Pray for me all......
Rashida Lovely , 12/14/12 12:32 PM
once you hit your wife romance kind of dies
grenoli mcsavidge , 01/01/13 03:22 PM
I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, but I am afraid of ending up in one. As most of you have said, your husbands do not become abusive until you've been married for quite some time. This is when you have become attached and more vulnerable because you may have not as many friends anymore, moved away from your family, and no job. Because either your husband wants to be in control or you were very young when you married and never started working, you started working as a mom. I know from personal experience (my mother) that getting out of a verbally abusive relationship is hard, not many people are willing to help, she tried to get a divorce at the beginning of the abuse but the court forced them into counseling having them work out their "issues" before a divorce. Which left my mom feeling defenseless and alone so she gave the marriage another chance. They are not in love they are more like roommates, very unhappy roommates. It saddens me with their unhappiness, they are both extremely depressed. They are both very smart and could do a lot with their lives but they are emotionally "stuck". I fear for this more than anything, I do not know how a healthy relationship is supposed to be but I do know it does not involve any type of abuse what so every. So to all of you women out their being abused please please do something, you are the only ones who can. Your children need it and so do you. Society needs it also because it is just continuing a cycle when you stay in these abusive relationships. To the lady in her 70's, leave him now, their is no reason to still be with him, you live in a community you will have friends and trust me you will be very happy without him. I can see that most of you women have low self esteem but that is caused by your husband, you are wonderful women regardless of anything he- your husband tells you. I know you are all deeply in love but if you get out of the relationship you will see it wasn't really love and you will find true non-abusive love . I promise all of you, now please get out before it is too late. And to the one Male who decided to write a sad story about poor him and his wife forces him to abuse her. Well yes many women with abusive husbands push and push it is a way to get it all done and over with. So grow up and be a man, I don't care how much she pushes you walk away....
leave him now , 02/04/13 06:13 PM
My husband is from those abusinve men who si always very jealous from my parental family he is and insecure and have very poor communication skills. He is very polite and passive in public and also with his own parental family. He always says that I should have suffer everything that he does ( abuse, beating, bad words to me and my parental family, and alot more ) but I should not be the one who says him even a word, If I say so everyone belame me that you are a woman you dont have the right. he sometimes beat my little 10 months son. He always says that his brother is murdered that is why he cant control himself therefore; I have to suffer.and I should not say him anything and let him do what ever he wants. He says that he love me and if I ask him for something he does bring it for me. during shouting he says that he regered why he married me but when he is cool he saysa that please do not mind my words I was out of control, what ever I said is not true.I am a canadian citizen and I am suppose to take him to Canada, his voilence started when the emabssy of Canada asked his passport for visa. He loved me for 4 years where I accepted his propusal for 4 years. Twice He did the acting of killing me. Since I am married to him I have lost all my happeness I begame a hater of life. I do not want to seperate from him Yes I love him but i want to find sulotion for his anger, would you please advise?
Burhan Matin , 02/15/13 09:36 AM
I have been married for five years. My husband is very abusive, but not around other people. He comes across as an easy going guy. He is so unenjoyable that me and my kids can not ride in the car with him because they are not allowed to talk. He hollars, cusses, hits pulls my hair, throws things at me, ignores, chokes me, he pushes me, holds me down, punches, kicks. But the,worst thing is,he Never says sorry because he thinks its my fault, I have no income without him....Pray for the Lord to help me...
beth Max , 02/25/13 07:42 AM
I was an abuser. I say was because I haven't hit my wife since she left six months ago. Just reading all the posts and it grieves my soul to think of what I am. The only thing I can say is I never tried to kill her. But from her perspective I'm sure she thought I was trying to. it's taken these six months for me to finally see myself for what I really am 'an abuser' . I thought I wasn't because those type of men were tattooed, teeth less and broke, can't believe how arrogant and self righteous I was. I never once thought it was a big deal because I came from a home were those who said they loved me also beat me. So as an adult (as stupid as it sounds) I saw no contradiction between love and violence. Well now I do. The love of my life has left and I don't blame her. I'm so sorry to all you woman who are or were with men like me. Sure I can bring up points of where I felt I was pushed into a corner but the truth is I chose to raise my hands. My God continue to change me and take this evil from me, may he heal my wife's heart and bring her peace and love and blessing. May he restore our marriage that it would be a testament to his ability to turn death into life. I'm eternally sorry to my wife and to all you woman. I'm ashamed to ask you all for prayer as I feel that only punishment is what I deserve but if u are able to please pray for my marriage this is all my fault. I'm sorry
Broken Man , 04/13/13 10:48 AM
To broken man, if.tou Do really love her, leave her.alone, she's done with you bro, you had your.chance now leave her alone let her find a man who will make her truly happy, remember even if you.Do change the.damage is done, she will Always remember you for the.abusive wife beater you were to her. The past is history, But it will always be there, let her go. I was in an abuaive relationship too, it also was great at first seemed too good to be true, amd sadly it was. really bad during my two pregnancies, he would try to choke me and.i.did black out once. He always.was.angry.always.calling me names, he.also.called my, when he would get.really angry usually me and the kids.would A friemds house ormy moms house. Constant verbal abuse.and his.excuse.was at least i didn't hit you, but psychological beatings are Bad. Now.finally after three years, i decided to end the relationship because he got sent to prison for violations in his parole. I.feel free, i felt like a his world of darkness. him still but some relationships are Toxic.and just.aren't meant to be.
Maria Pineda , 05/27/13 10:36 AM
My wife and I married 25 years ago, and it became an abusive relationship both ways, but I want to take responsibility for my side. We got divorced years later after several restraining orders and the like, only to move back together 4 years later.

We then lived together as a man and wife with our two kids and things had improved, but then she became chronically ill for many years and needed more support than I gave, also I began to become more verballly abusive as well more frequently, calling her all sorts of terrible ad vile names, pill popper,junkie, get some fresh air or exercise, that sort of thing. Worst things than anyone deserves, and that led her into further depression in addition to her already being chronically ill and not able to live as before. She didn't make it easier on me either just to be sure here, but here is the thing and it doesn't matter who did what to who or this and that.

What matters now here, is my part and what I did, because yesterday she died suddenly and I cant tell her nothing as my kids cant either. And I would rather be able to say Im sorry and you are loved and you are a good person and let her go and me live alone than for this to end for her, or me for that matter.
See, because I did love her, but for some reason ours' together was toxic, and when some thing serious arose in her health, our toxicity did not lead to the support she needed but left her alone in an ever more difficult situation, of course now I for years to come have earned my reward from this as well, and that is to learn how to forgive myself for helping to hurt one of
God's own. May God forgive me for trespass.
Steve Paul , 06/12/13 11:43 AM
abusive men are everywhere
kiki aweh , 06/13/13 10:12 PM
It is heartbreaking to hear these stories. I will pray for you women. And to the men out there that have written in, it is good to see that you recognize what you have done wrong to your wife/girlfriend and want to repent to God. Any of us who have mistreated others or done wrong in other ways need to repent of our sins/actions and seek Christ's almighty strength to change our wrong ways and honour Christ and then others. I have lived in a verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage for 10 years. It has been a very up and down marriage. we have 4 beautiful boys. I eventually began taking out my anger and frustration at my husband on my boys at times. THis was so wrong and I am working at mending my relationships with them. I was depressed, felt helpless at times, angry, scared. Since November, the whole family has split up. I think God was saying enough. I was not in a good state to care for my boys on my own so they are in foster care and with friends. It feels hopeless at times but I have seen answered prayer and I feel that if God is truly in my marriage than he can repair the brokenness. It hurts so much sometimes when I think of all my hopes and dreams I had for my marriage and family life. My husband and I now are in desperate need for work though I am not sure whether my husband really sees the urgency here. He has not had any real focus in life (or some dreams but not the drive or faith in God to reach it). He did not have a good upbringing and it has affected him but he seems to be in denial. I sincerely ask for prayer for my family and I, and that I may truly know what God wants me to do because I still have love and care for my husband. I know that his abusive behaviour must stop for all of our sakes, especially for the children and me. Please pray for a revival in my husband and a real desire to get the help he needs. May God give you all much strength and peace at this time.
Cathie Michener , 06/24/13 05:06 PM
For all you women who are being physical abused by your husbands. If your life or your child's life is in danger then it's time to leave. Stop believing that you can't support yourself or can't make it without him. That's a big myth. What if your husband died today? What would you do, sit on the sofa till you starve to death? Of course not. You would get up and do something with your life, and that's what you need to do. I know it's not easy, but you can do it. My mother did it with 7 because my father wasn't a good dad. She forced herself to go out and raised us on her own and did a great job. Do it for your children and for you. Don't let ANYONE rob you or your children from enjoying life. For those who say their husbands threaten to kill them. Guess what? He probably will. Get out while you're still alive, for your children's sake and yours.
Sal Nan , 07/25/13 10:28 PM
It is really sad when you are recently married like myself 7months, at 22 years and my husband who currently isn't working anymore I we are trying but God knows it is not getting any better. Fighting, choking cuffing slapping I have been there and experienced it all I just don't want to give up but this is unbearable
melanie joseph , 09/24/13 08:47 PM
While I'm not married, I witnessed domestic violence in my home since I can remember, I also have a BA in psychology and have helped a lot of abuse women and children at different churches. Statistics show that 1 in every 4 christian woman suffers from domestic violence. There are many stories where women have looked for help by confiding in their pastors and other spiritual leaders (who love God and want to help, but are not equipped to handle such situations), and they have been advised to forgive him and return home, because they have to submit to their husbands...WRONG!!!! By no means forgive him, but you don't have to go back to him or should. Sadly many women have return home only to get killed. First of all, there is NO excuse for ANY body, whether man or woman to abuse their spouse. Domestic violence is not only physical abuse, it involves more than that. Women who may be reading my comment, know that God loves you and cares so much about you. He in NO way approves your husbands behavior and neither should you. He does NOT expect or want you to stay in an abusive relationship where your self-esteem is being damaged daily, where you have to live in fear, stress and agony, where you are not loved as Christ loved the church, etc. This was NOT God's design for marriage and you have the RIGHT to leave. You do not need to feel guilty nor ashamed. You are the daughter of a King! The King of kings! You do NEED to seek professional help, since an abuser WILL NOT change UNLESS there is an intervention from a professional. NO ONE should stay in an abusive relationship. Here I provide two resources where anyone that is been abuse can go to. In these websites you'll be able to understand the complexity and dangers of domestic violence and what you should do. One of the resources is Dr. David Hawkins website, Director of the The Marriage Recovery Center, a christian center for marriage. YOU WILL NOT CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE, THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER IF YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP, THEY WILL ONLY GET WORSE! (Research has shown so)... Tolerating his behavior only reinforces and enables it.
There is help! But you NEED to get out, brake the cycle! YOU WILL DO MORE HARM TO YOUR CHILDREN BY HAVING THEM GROWING UP IN A HOUSE WHERE THEY HAVE TO GROW UP WITNESSING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, THEN THEM HAVING TO LIVE WITHOUT A DAD...the emotional damage it will leave in them is enormous.[..]
Emily Gonzalz , 11/02/13 03:23 PM
These are the resources (it seems like they didn't show up in my first comment):[..] the hot line for domestic abuse victims:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Emily Gonzalz , 11/02/13 03:29 PM
I married my hero from youth and he ended up being the man who hurt me worst then anyone ever did in my life! He saved from being raped when I was a teenager and over the years we lost contact, then would see each other off & on. One day he found me & told me he had been baptized and was on fire for the Lord. So I fell in love and we started a serious relationship. ( He never truly converted, he always fell asleep in church and talked so bad about God )
There were many red flags that I ignored before marriage because as a baby christian, I knew he had lots of growing to do. Well there is one thing Ive learned if they hit you once, they will do it again & again! One week after our beautiful wedding my husband snapped and destroyed everything in our home. That shouldve been my first & last time as a wife to allow that, but because the church tells you to work it out I gave him a year & three months to put me through hell and almost kill me. I finally had enough and filed for divorce, I wont allow my children to stand at my funeral because a coward took my life. ABUSE IS NOT A COVENANT WITH GOD OR YOUR WIFE, your free & so am I. Time to get counseling and begin to heal.
A J , 11/26/13 01:06 PM
I have been raped beat and humiliated by my husband...please pray for me and my children that we will be ok...he is cheating on me and don't like to be called out on his lies...there is no way out
darla Russell , 12/09/13 11:39 PM
iam currently tryin to get out of a verbally and mentally relationship and its so hard to break from i pray that it will end but it doesnt and my inner soul and my self esteem is so gone i dont know who i am anymore and i see my partner is like nothing i just see all thees stories and i dont understand why we do this if we can all be alot stronger and be able to move on without thinking of it i think we all deserve to be happy well pray for me as i will pray for all of u as well and hope we all will have a much better life
jenny medina , 05/02/14 11:35 AM
I met my husband over nine years ago. He was a friend of my father's. Well, he lied about everything from the start. Let me tell you about some of these lies. He said he was 36 years old he was really 43 years old, he said he had three children, he really has 4. He told me he always had a job. No soon I told him that I was pregnant he quit his job at a factory that he had been working at for over nineteen years. He does not support me at all. We got into an argument today and I went out side to pick my twins up from soccer and their was a garbage bag full of garbage in my driver's side in my seat with a big as whole in the bottom of the bag and my shoes were out side in a big mud hole. I think it is time for me to leave him. He always say he is going to change when I leave and get my own apartment. He always treat me like a princess and then I move back into our big house and within 24 hours shit is back to normal. I just graduated with my BSW. I will start graduate school soon. My husband is 52 and I am 31.
corrina edmonson , 05/03/14 06:46 PM
i am 38 married having 2 children, aged 8 years and 3 years, my husband is making lot of trouble, suspecting, beating and using abusive words, checking my phone, asking to kids, whether some one has come to home,lots and lots, i should not go any where, not to talk to anyone even to girls, i don't know what to do, my parents are not supporting me due to love marriage, my in laws are nothing worried about us as she become old. please pray for me, i have no place to go, please help me from this hell.
kalpana r , 07/01/14 11:28 PM
Thank God I found this website!Reading about your stories is heartbreaking and it also makes me realize that I am not alone! I met my husband 2 years before we got married (I was 23 and he was 26). He was the first man that I loved. It's been 6 years since we got married and we also have a daughter. Lately, I found out about so many lies that he made. I could not believe how this man lied to me. He is the one that I always thought of as the one who loves me the most and the one that I love the most. Since we got married, we mostly stayed apart from each other for I travel overseas to study and he stays to work. So we only saw each other on school holidays. When I completed my study, we then moved to stay together. The trust that I had for him when I was thousands of miles away, started to fade away. I started to find out some lies and lately, he started to abuse me verbally and then started choking me, pulling my hair, chased me out of the house and never really showed any sorry after doing all of those abuses to me! If he said sorry, he sounded like he doesn't mean it. Most times I'm confused for whether he truly loves me or not. He kept saying that he loves me but next day or week he will start doing that same thing (verbal abuse and minor physical abuse)again. He drinks alcohol a lot and even when I cried and asked him to stop drinking, he would never care. We both have good professional works and it is a shame because no one would ever believe that he (a professional worker)is doing that to me. Last time he choked me hard while he was drunk and there were marks showed on my neck and a bruises on my chest, arms and one leg. My daughter saw him did that to me. He even broke my mobile phones so three times and last time he broke my sewing machine into pieces. Honestly, I don't know where to start in order to explain to you all about what he's been doing to me. His family are afraid of him as well. I've been seeking support from his mother, but seems like his own mother is also afraid of him. If anyone sees him in public, he looks really nice and calm and professionally dressed but at home, he is not that charming prince!! He is the opposite! I have a postgraduate degree in Psychology and I always try to talk to him about his behavior and asked him to let me help him because I know why he is like that. But he refused!!!!!!!!!He kept saying, just go with your degree and do your counseling to those who need it. When I tried to talk to him about our relationship, he would say that's talk nonsense!He would always says that he loves me, but his behavior does not even show that love to me. I even printed out messages and good counseling information for him to read but he trashed it. I used to send him text msgs everyday with Bible verses to read, he never read them... Reading this website helped me realize that such man might never change!!!Although I mostly thought that prayer (for we are both Christians)can change such man! It is about time for me to think twice and move on without him before he kills me or my daughter! It is hard because I love him and most times I feel as if I may not stand it if I see him with another woman! Especially if they'll be happy compared to our relationship! I'm seriously stressed out because of this man. I'm afraid to share this with my own family because I know their advice "MOVE OUT IMMEDIATELY AND LEAVE HIM". It seems like I don't want to hear that advice but I should try to accept it now before it is too late. I found out lately that he's been sending text msgs to another woman. But even when i find out who she is , he still denies that he texted that woman for some reason.... I'm so confused!! Please pray for me! I'm praying hard at the moment for a message from God for what I should be doing right now. I love him but reading the advice above makes me think that I deserve to be happy not to be sad. I feel sorry for you all who have shared your experience here. We are all in the same situation and we all need help. Even me, a person who's been studying Psychology, I still need help! Please pray for me for I seriously have pain in my heart and kept questioning whether I deserve to be treated like that? God bless you all!!
Victoria Alice , 08/05/14 05:08 PM
I just turned 23 November 1st. I am pregnant. 32 weeks. I just returned home from hospital. I had a lot of pain from doing house works cleaning cooking helping my husband out a lot. Taking care of me. I got to marital counseling and my own. I am suzanne pequeno. I am praying for all you . I am in a verbal abusive relationship. Where i fell inlove with am amazing man. Till i realized what problems he had growing up effect our marriage. He grew up in an abused family and now verbally puts me down. He is why i was in hospital. I do so much at home just to make him and me happy to have free time together. But games and computer are more important. He promised he would take care of me . Never hurt me. He lied. He lieddddd to me. He is an alcoholic doesnt drink right now because im trynna help him realize alcohol isnt the way to happy . My first marriage i am having a son. I wanna get out ahead of time cuz i see where this is going. Ive been in a abusive and verbal abusive relationship. 1st was a boyfriend we broke up them my husband who till this day verbally abuses me. I miss the good times i enjoy the good times too.. but for so long i have been the blame for everything in his life. He has no control of his words or actions. He is alone and dark and has no empathy. Tells me to go kill my self. To go die. That he hates my guts. I have never been fat. But because i am pregnant . He gets what he wants by devaluing me calling me names liek fat an ugly. He has not faith in God and makes fun of my faith and love for God. He mocks me ...he makes me cry so much. He laughs at me. He has been an awful husband at times. He gets this way when i need help cleaning and cooking and those are his excuses to get away with it all. He is an abuser. He is not as nice as he once was. We are stationed in Germany . The military. I have no family here. I left mt jobs to live a life be married have children. And one thing thats good out of all this is my son soon to be born. But my husband is an unhappy person who brings me down with him. I am dissapointed in my poor choices of staying. He makes me feel unloved unworthy. Like im a bad mother because i stick around. Im just trynna make a marriage work. Thats what married couoles do. I made vows and promised him and god For better or worse. I hate being screamed or yelled at. Told perverted revolting things while he curses to make me cry. He does this because he is angry and irritable. He never knew love or how to be better. I use to be that angel in his eyes that helped guide him now im nothing to him. Please oray for me to get out before it gets worse. I wanna be stronger and get out ahead to help get a head start for mine and my new born sons future please friends and God help me. I love you all and sorry we have been going through these trials.
suzanne pequeno , 11/05/14 03:59 PM

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