Search Results

I received the following letter from a thirteen-year-old girl in the UK. What’s happened to her breaks my heart. What would you say that might answer her question? How might you ease her pain and heal her heart. I’ll share my letter to her and then give you a chance to help her, too. Use the “Comments” section to writer her a letter. I’ll forward your counsel to her. Thanks for your help. I know she will appreciate it. By the way, I get way too many letters like this one. They remind me that it is a hard world out there. Thank God for a Jesus Christ who cares and can heal the deepest recesses of the human heart. Dear Roger, My mum died 11 years ago and I’m now 13 and my dad ran away and my grandparents won’t tell me how it happened. All I can remember is her ringing the door bell. then I answered it and she was on the floor, dead. (Name withheld)” Dear Name Withheld, I read your email and don’t know what to say. No words can ever approach the depth of the pain you are suffering. I grieve for what you’ve experienced. No one should ever go through that. I can’t imagine the shock and pain of seeing what you saw–no matter who was dead–and especially for it to be your mom. Life was never designed to be this way. I imagine that Jesus was grieving as He watched what happened to you mom and also as He has watched the pain and grief that I know you are experiencing. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I would imagine that you would love to know what really happened. Perhaps some day you will. However, some things are better left alone. I would recommend that you pray and ask the Lord Jesus to let you know at just the right time and in just the right way what occurred when you were two. If it is best for you not to know, then trust that the Lord Jesus will help you put the tragedy behind you and then to help and strengthen you for a great life ahead. Try not to obsess with all sorts of imaginings while trying to put the pieces together of what happened to mom and dad. The Bible says that a lot of empty speculation can bring on more misery than it is worth. You might pray for Jesus to protect you from any long-term emotional hurt and pain. You also might consider asking Him to help you heal the hurts inside. It sounds to me that your grand parents are raising you. If so, thank God for someone who cares enough to take you in and care for you. By the way, it is so easy to focus on your own pain and miss the fact that your grand parents are also in great pain. Was your mom their daughter? The pain of losing a child is incredible. I know. I lost one. Was you dad their son? If so, then they have lost more than you can now imagine—a broken relationship with your own child has its own peculiar pains. Pains and hurts are healed by receiving comfort. Jesus said, “Blessed are they who mourn for they shall receive comfort. Perhaps you have some friends to whom you can open up and share? I hope so. Their comfort can bring much healing. You might consider mentioning to your grand parents that you know that they are hurting. Comfort them. Tell them how sorry you are for their loss. As you comfort them they may open up and begin to comfort you. Deep hurts need much comfort to get well. Finally, you might consider getting some professional counsel from people who know how to lead you to get well. I hope you can find a good counselor, I’m praying that Jesus will help heal the emotional and mental wounds, protect you from scars and give you a great life ahead. Again, I hurt so much for you. At times like this in my life, I pray for the Lord Jesus to pour in the power and give me live victoriously no matter the circumstances. As I write this, I am praying the same thing for you. Again, I am so sorry. Love, Roger Dear Readers, Now it is your turn. Please write a word of encouragement. I know she will be blessed by what you say and the advice you give. Thank you, Roger

Dear Roger, Can anyone help? I am a Christian who was happily married to my husband for 13 years. We adopted 2 boys. In January, my husband lost his temper and put my oldest boy’s head into the wall. It got reported and the boys taken. In February, they arrested him for molesting our oldest son. He has confessed to doing it, is in jail and awaiting his prison sentencing. He writes to me that he loves me and wants me to be faithful to him, yet I struggle with that because he wasn’t faithful to me. He wants me to forgive him, which I think I have, but he also wants me to love and pray for him. I don’t feel love for him but do care what happens to him. He says that I need to love him unconditionally and that true love endures all things. He says he knows he blew it but says that we have wethered [sic] many storms in our marriage. Why should this be any different? He said he would ball [sic] his eyes out if I leave but knows that he cannot control me. Every time he writes I find it hard to deal with. What is the right thing to do? How do I handle him? Is it okay to leave him, to divorce him, or is that not biblical love and forgiveness? Can you help? Most of my friends can’t understand or help. Hurting and Lost in Kansas (To our readers, I only publish letters with revealing or sensitive information after first receiving permission.) Dear Hurting and Lost, I am sorry for your tragedy—and tragedy it is. Kids are gone; husband is gone; security is gone; emotional health and well-being are gone; pain is intense; confusion reigns; and finances shake! My heart breaks as I write the previous paragraph. Each hurt is hurt enough: to suffer them simultaneously is more than I can imagine—but, not more than you can bear. Paul wrote words of great comfort and encouragement to suffering Christians in 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No [trial] has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be [tried] beyond what you can bear. But when you are [tried], he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” Paul recommended in Philippians 4:10-13 that we can find contentment in every situation because Jesus Christ pours in the power. Paul revealed in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 that after God chose not to relieve the tormenting thorn in Paul’s life, God said to him: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me…. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” In my experience, turning to God for help is essential; and, handling your tragedy means opening up to friends about your hurts, and then receiving help and comfort from them. It is not good to be alone when you grieve and seek to rebuild your life. Before we go any further, let’s see his letters and comments for what they are: emotional hooks. An emotional hook is a guilt producing comment designed to make you feel badly unless you do what the “hooker” wants you to do. He has cast out any number of emotional hooks. Let’s be certain that you see them for what they are and not swallow any of them. Frankly, as best as I can tell, you don’t have to do or respond to anything he has said to you. Emotional hooks are dangling; don’t bite. After receiving your letter I posted it on Facebook and invited comments and suggestions from our readers. Scores of women (and men) responded. I have highlighted some of their more relevant comments. You are not alone in your torment. Many others have traveled the same path. Jennifer: “To be honest, there are two parts to this—forgiveness & boundaries. I would encourage her to forgive him. As far as accepting him back into the family goes, I would affirm that his actions have rippled some major traumas & also revealed that he is not in control of himself. Unfortunately, individuals with anger impulsivities say sorry all the time … [and often] end up repeating impulsive actions. Her child & each person involved will need trauma recovery. Forgiveness can be quick & is essential for us to live a healthy emotional life. Healing, though is different from forgiveness. The offender must own responsibility for his actions, & this dear mom certainly needs boundaries; such as requiring earnest relational recovery efforts from him. He can take classes such as: offending parenting/domestic violence classes, anger management therapy …I would also recommend both individual & family therapy for her & her child for trauma recovery.” Daniel: “I would tell her to do her best to try and forgive him … if she can’t it isn’t her fault. As for the man, he deserves the consequences whatever they turn out to be…he made his choice.” Gayla: “… what is of uppermost importance is the safety of the children (and her safety as well); forgiving him, loving him do not require he be allowed back into the family life.” Donna: “I would say….not to take him back. He has broken his marriage vows to her and his family. He did not protect, he hurt. I’m almost positive this is not the first time he has been violent, but perhaps this is the worst … As far as forgiveness is concerned, she will need to forgive in time. She’s in shock right now so she’s open to many emotions. Better to surround herself with Godly friends and remain in a constant prayer state.” Walter: “Wow. Very traumatic how very sad. This will take time for all partys [sic] involved. A lot of prayer on comfort and healing. May God hope hold this family together and get threw [sic] these days. Praying for them.” Melissa: “… She doesn’t need to worry about being in a relationship with anyone right now. ‘Right now’ being the key words. He’s toxic for her right now. Never make decisions based on what might be 10 years from now. Make decisions based on where you are right now … I would say, don’t keep investing into something that has already gone bankrupt. If anyone intentionally hurt my child, no matter who they are, I would say the relationship is off and I don’t know if it could ever be again. That way no one is being misled to future expectations…. Abuse counseling would definitely [sic] be good.” Cindy: “We say at Celebrate Recovery forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to let your abuser back in your life.” Deanne: “She needs to keep this abuser out of the house, unless she wants to be viewed as a negligent parent. We are to not only raise our children, but keep them from harm! They cannot protect themselves! Seek God’s help with the child to learn to forgive and let go.” Melissa: “Sometimes victims feel guilty for saying ‘no’ or for ending the relationship due to an abused psychological mindset. It adds stress to an already traumatic situation and can push some over the edge. She has lost her children, which is #1 on the stress list. She has also lost a spouse … She will have to make many life changes, which adds more stress. Since they are already physically separated, hopefully during this time she will get some counseling. If she gets stronger in time, she may not have to work through additional guilt feelings for leaving him … If she doesn’t get counseling, it doesn’t matter how many people tell her she should leave him, she could easily fall back into her old patterns regardless of who she’s with. A victim has to learn how to not be a victim anymore.” Now, I would like to share a few of my own thoughts with you. I think I can do so best by answering your questions in order. You write: “He writes to me that he loves me and wants me to be faithful to him, yet I struggle with that because he wasn’t faithful to me.” You are under no obligation to be faithful to him in any way. He has broken your marriage vows in multiple ways. Since he failed to love you as Christ loves His church, and since he has brought impurity into your life and not protected you from worldliness and sin (Ephesians 5:25-33), he has forfeited his right to be your husband. According to Jesus in Matthew 19:9, adultery is grounds for divorce. The Greek word that Jesus used for “adultery” is “pornea” which you will recognize as the root word for our English word, “porn.” “Pornea” refers to any sort of deviant sexual behavior including molesting you son. You are under no obligation to continue any sort of relationship with him. You write: “He wants me to forgive him, which I think I have, …” Forgiveness can take place in a short while. It is a choice of our will. However, most true forgiveness occurs over a period of time during which three steps are satisfied: (1) we mourn the hurt and receive comfort until the pain does not hurt any more (Matthew 26:38 and Luke 22:43-45); (2) we sort out the truth of what happened (Luke 23:34); (3) we forgive them fully. Don’t short circuit the process and fool yourself into thinking you have forgiven him when you are still struggling with the pain, anguish and reasons for what he did. Don’t get seduced into thinking that forgiveness means that everything can return to what it was before the abuse and molestation. Things will never be the same. Don’t allow faulty thinking to seduce you into believing that forgiveness means that you must release him from the consequences of what he has done. Physical and sexual abuse have consequences. One consequence is that trust is gone and may or may not be reestablished. Another consequence is that he will be incarcerated. Another consequence is that he may well have lost all that was near and dear to him. You write: “… but he also wants me to love and pray for him. I don’t feel love for him but do care what happens to him.” Of course, you may pray for him. He needs all the prayer he can get as he tries to put back together the pieces of his shattered life. Just because you pray for him does not mean you have to allow him to reenter your life—unless you choose to at the right time and in the right way. Placing strong boundary fences on how much you will—or will not—have contact with him is essential. You write: “… I don’t feel love for him but do care what happens to him.” Careful! Love and feeling sorry for someone are not the same. Distinguish between the two. His behavior can squelch love mercilessly. Of course, you feel compassion for him. That is only natural. You write: “He says that I need to love him unconditionally and that true love endures all things.” The idea of loving him unconditionally and enduring all things is wonderful; however, according to the Bible you don’t have to associate with a toxic person ever again if you don’t want to. Paul recognized this in Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Unfortunately, it is not always possible to live at peace with everyone. In your case, you can no longer trust him—and rightly so. Your relationship with him may well never be restored because there is not enough life time left for him to rebuild the trust he has destroyed. You don’t have to wait and watch to see if he can rebuild it. As far as I can tell, you are absolutely free to put your relationship with him behind you and to pick up the pieces of your broken life and start over again. If you do choose to “be faithful and love eternally,” be careful. Reenter the relationship slowly, one or two steps at a time, as you give him time to reestablish faithful trust. Remember, physical abusers will promise never to abuse again. But, they usually continue the abusive behavior with increasing intensity. You may be next. You write: “… He says he knows he blew it but says that we have wethered [sic] many storms in our marriage. Why should this be any different?” The difference has to do with the severity of the storm. Storms we weather are one thing. Deadly tsunamis are another. He has unleashed a torrent of flooding into your family. If you don’t get away from the raging waters, you may drown. You write: “…He said he would ball [sic] his eyes out if I leave but knows that he cannot control me. Every time he writes I find it hard to deal with. What is the right thing to do? How do I handle him?” “Bawl his eyes out if you leave” is an enormous emotional “hook.” Don’t be suckered in. “Handle him” by not reading his letters now. Limit or refrain from communication with him until you are emotionally recovered and can handle his guilt producing comments. Your primary need is for healing and recovery. Any attempt to engage with him and solve your relationship problems will only sabotage your mental and emotional recovery. You may choose to interact with him after you are healed. You write: “… Is it okay to leave him, to divorce him, or is that not biblical love and forgiveness? Can you help? Most of my friends can’t understand or help.” According to the Bible, as I have outlined above, you have every reason and justification to leave or divorce him. Biblical love and forgiveness in no way imply that you have to stay married to him or keep any relationship going with him in the future. If I sound like I am leaning toward cutting him out of your life, I am. I grieve for him; however, I grieve more for you and for your son. His toxic behavior is evidence of inner problems that are beyond your control. I have been “around too many blocks” to predict a great future for your relationship. I am afraid that you will fall into the “battered wife” syndrome and really get messed up unless you act with wisdom and care. I strongly recommend that you see a wise and experienced counselor for healing guidance. Not all counselors are equipped or skilled enough to handle this. Now, that being said, miracles do happen. Jesus Christ can heal any marriage and He may be able to heal yours. Nevertheless, now is not the time to decide when and what Jesus can restore. Be healed. Make no permanent choices until you are “back on you feet.” I believe that Jesus will one day make His will so clear that you can’t miss it. Well, Hurting and Lost, I hope these thoughts will help you and your friends as you decide just what to do. Again, I am so sorry for your unthinkable experience. No one should endure what you have gone through. I am praying for your healing and for your wholeness. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, Please explain to me how quantum mechanics explains the reality and existence of God? Sincerely, Julie Dear Reader, Julie didn’t ask the question quite like that—just sort of. Let me summarize what happened and my answer to her. I hope you find my thoughts stimulating, intriguing and assuring. “I can’t believe how much I enjoy reading physics books and thinking about how God organized and created the universe,” I said to Julie as we lay in bed one night. I was reading another book about quantum mechanics, and she was hoping that I would soon turn off the light so she could go to sleep. “I’ve read about ten books on the subject and I think I am starting to understand it just a little bit,” I said to her. “In fact, I think that I’ve figured out how quantum mechanics verifies the existence of God.” “That sounds exciting. Tell me about it.” “Well, I am not really sure that I can. It’s too complicated. “You are good at making things simple,” she said, “try me.” So, I did. Let’s start with Isaac Newton. Alexander Pope entwined: “Nature and Nature’s laws lay hid in night: God said ‘Let Newton be! And all was light.” Newton’s laws explain how the world works in the physical realm in which we live. From the orbits of planets to measuring force, mass and acceleration Newton’s laws explain it all. Then, along came Albert Einstein to upset the physics apple cart with his general theory of relativity. The general theory explains how gravity curves space as illustrated by the bending of light photons as they pass near a massive star. When his theory was actually verified experimentally it became obvious to many physicists that Newton’s Laws simply didn’t work on the macro level—like the size of the universe. For example, scientists must factor in general relativity in plotting satellite orbits if they have any intention actually putting an object in the proper orbit. It they were to depend on Newton they would miss the proper orbit every time. Newton’s laws are now known to be simply approximations—on every level. On the other hand, Quantum Mechanics explains the behaviors of atoms on the micro level. Newton’s laws don’t work on this level either. The energy of an atom was found to change only by a discrete quantity named a “quantum”. In other words, you can’t have half of a quantum. They either come whole or not at all. Einstein used Max Planck’s work that explained the glow of hot bodies to suggest that light was a stream of discrete particles. Each particle had the energy level of one quantum. Quantum Mechanics explains how the sun shines; how TVs produce pictures; why grass is green and the big bang eruption that brought our universe into existence. Computers, game boys, iPads and lasers all depend on the application of quantum mechanics. Without quantum mechanics none of the things mentioned above could be understood or applied. What makes quantum mechanics so difficult to understand is that everything about it goes against our every day experiences and common sense. J.B.S. Haldane marveled: “Quantum theory is not only queerer than we suppose. It is queerer than we can suppose.” Niels Bohr said, “Anyone not shocked by quantum Mechanics has not understood it”. Here are some counter intuitive truths about Quantum Mechanics. Remember that everything I am about to share has been experimentally verified. In fact, no part of Quantum Mechanics has ever been shown to be inaccurate or false. QM tells us that an observation of one object can instantaneously influence the behavior of another greatly distant object even if no physical force connects the two. QM tells us that observing an object to be some place causes it to be there. It wasn’t there before you observed it. If we observe an atom to be someplace, it was our looking at it that caused it to be there. QM tells us that an object can be in many places and many states at once. QM denies the existence of a physically real world independent of someone’s observations of it. It is not common sense that one object can be in two far apart places at once. Common sense tells us that there is a “real world” whether or not we look at it. But, that is not true. Nothing is real until someone observes it. A photon of light—or an atom—is either a wave or a particle depending on what we want it to be. Objects can exist in multiple places and only become real and localized when an observer expects it to be somewhere and actually looks for it there. Einstein struggled with accepting quantum theory and its implications. “I cannot seriously believe in quantum theory because … physics should represent a reality in time and space, free from spooky actions at a distance.” “Spooky actions at a distance” means that two objects speeding away from each other at the speed of light are still instantaneously connected. Fiddle with one particle and the other is fiddled exactly the same even though no one is fiddling with it. In other words, Einstein wanted things to be real and separate from each other whether someone was looking or not. However, QM reveals that matter is not real and separate—it is unreal while being completely intertwined with everything in existence. If a tree falls in the forest, does it make any sound? No, of course not. The falling tree produces air waves, not sound. Sound only occurs when a human ear is near enough to process the moving air waves into electrical signals that we “hear” in our brains as “sounds.” It should be obvious by now that the implications of quantum demand an encounter with human consciousness. Eugene Wigner declared: “It is not possible to formulate the laws of Quantum Mechanics in a fully consistent way without reference to the consciousness.” I think that it is safe to say that many physicists ignore the implication that objects in a physical world can actually be directed and influenced by human consciousness. physicists utilize the mechanics and mathematics of QM but most refuse to acknowledge the consciousness enigma (By the way, QM does not support the ideas of mysticism, ESP, etc. for reasons we won’t take time to engage with now). That evening in bed I was pondering something Einstein said when I had my “eureka” moment. Einstein once said, “I’d like to think that the moon was there even when I was not looking at it.” Then it hit me. Einstein may not be observing the moon at some particular moment—but God is. His observation makes it real! We live in a world with substance and reality because God is presently observing everything on earth as well as all in the universe surrounding us. From our perspective we live on a big earth in a big universe. We might do well to consider a broader perspective. Maybe our universe is more like the sphere dangling from the cat collar in the movie, “Men in Black.” The sphere was dazzling. Look really closely and see that what hangs around the cat’s neck is actually an entire universe. Hebrews 11:3 is my Biblical outline of quantum mechanics: “By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.” In Genesis 1:1-31 the Bible describes God as thinking and speaking the universe into existence: And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. … And God said, “Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water.” And it was so. … And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.”… And it was so. … Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. … And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, … And it was so. … And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky.” … And God saw that it was good. … And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds … And God saw that it was good. Then God said, “Let us make man in our image,” … God saw (observed) all that he had made, and it was very good. John 1:1-3 reveals that God the Son, Jesus Christ, was the One Who carried out the actual creation to make something out of nothing: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made”. When I finished my explanation to Julie, she said, “That was really good. Why don’t you make it an Ask Roger answer for next week?” So I did. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, The political unrest in the Middle East is incredible. I never imagined a time that I would see the civil wars and rebellions now occurring there. I know that Muslims fighting against Muslims is nothing new; but I find myself feeling so sorry for the many Innocent people who are caught In the crossfire and who are just so much collateral damage in the civil wars now occurring in Libya, Yemen, Bahrain, Egypt, Palestine, Tunisia, Syria, and Lebanon–just to name a few. I struggle with the issue of how and when to support a government which is not governing in the best interests of its people. My question is, “Are there any biblical guidelines for when it is OK to try to overthrow a repressive, totalitarian government?” Sincerely, Julie Dear Julie, I wish Jesus had been more directive with His answer to this question. Frankly, He never took time to give any guidelines about civil obedience against a totalitarian government. As best as I can tell He only made two references regarding the totalitarian Roman army which occupied Israel during His life time. In the Sermon on the Mount He discussed loving enemies. In that context He taught: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, ‘Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles'” (Matthew 5:38-4). The last statement is the pertinent one. Jesus referred to the Roman law that allowed a soldier to conscript any local person to carry his pack for one mile–no more. He instructed His followers to go another mile to help the invaders. In answer to a trick question about paying taxes to the totalitarian Roman government, Jesus supported the Idea that Roman rules were to be obeyed without hesitation: “Then he said to them, ‘Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.'” (Matthew 22:21). By the way, I have often wondered why–with one of every three people in the Roman world, living in slavery—Jesus never condemned or addressed in any manner the evils and immorality of slavery? I suppose that He let nothing detour Him from fulfilling His life’s work on earth. There were a lot of issues that needed addressing; but, they would have to wait for another time. Based on Jesus passing comments, I wonder sometimes that overthrowing an oppressive government is much less of an issue to God than it is to us. Paul has a bit to say about whether or not it is OK to ignore or rebel against an unfair, oppressive, sinful government. His reasonings are found in Romans 13:1-7 which I have taken liberty to quote below. 1 Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. 4 For he is God’s servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God’s servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5 Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. 6 This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. 7 Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. Paul wrote these words while in prison in Rome–before Nero came to power and the morals, ethics and good practices of the Roman Empire went “south” in a hurry! Before Nero, the Pax Romana brought peace throughout the Mediterranean world. Paul wrote that Christians are to “obey the government” because it brings order and justice to society. Paul was writing during a rather peaceful time in Roman history. I wish to goodness that he had written 5 years later when Nero was rampaging and killing Christians. From the above passages, I conclude that it is never OK for a Christian to overthrow or violate the existence and laws of a government. But, that conclusion leaves me so “cold.” I don’t like where it goes at all. There just has to be more to the issue. Immediately I think of Proverb 24:11-12: Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,” does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done? Solomon gave every one the obligation of fighting to rescue those who were being killed and persecuted by others–and that includes an oppressive government. Therefore, I conclude that rebellion against a government which has broken its covenant with its citizens (which is to give proper care and protection as Paul described in 1 Corinthians 13) is justified. The citizens are under no obligation to sit quietly by while an unjust government continues to violate its God-given responsibilities. In Acts 4:17-20 the local law In Jerusalem was, “Don’t preach about Jesus.” Peter and John, however, declared to the governing authorities, “We can’t help but preach. We will continue to do it.” And they did. “We must obey God rather than men!” they said in Acts 5:29. Let me elucidate several simple principles to apply when deciding whether to obey or disobey the government–to support it or to fight against it. First, Christians are to be good citizens. Second, citizens have a responsibility to stop, negate, or overthrow any government which is perpetrating, murder, mayhem, genocide, harm or damage to its citizens. Third, we are to obey the government, except when it requires us to disobey the laws of God. Finally, if government orders us to do evil, we must disobey. Well, Concerned. I hope this gives you some food for thought as you work through your own conclusions and convictions regarding the rebellions now being perpetrated in the Middle East. Sincerely, Roger

Share 0 Listening to James MacDonald’s radio program “Walk in the Word” tonight, I was encouraged by something he said. In his message he spoke of how the Bible is attacked and maligned with such vengeance on college campuses and elsewhere. We seldom see such attacks against the Book of Mormon, or the Quran, or any other spiritual literature – just the Bible. He said the reason we don’t see such attacks against the others is that they just don’t reflect true realities like the Bible does. It encouraged me in a strange, but substantive way. The reason the Bible is so attacked and maligned by so many is that it really does matter. It IS the Word of God. It does have the Words of Life. It is a living, breathing, life-giving light in a very dark world. It changes people. It brings peace during chaos. It offers hope amidst utter devastation. And it has withstood such fierce attacks for centuries – and it’s not going away. The darker the world gets, the brighter it shines. What is really remarkable is how it has won over some of its most dedicated critics. Simon Greenleaf attempted to show by his widely accepted rules of testimony, that the four gospels were either collusion, or the telling of different stories – he wrote “Testimony of the Evangelists”. Josh McDowell set out to prove that the evidence refuted the resurrection of Jesus – he wrote two volumes of “Evidence That Demands a Verdict”. Viggo Olsen set out to prove the Bible to be scientifically inaccurate – he wrote “Daktar, Diplomat in Bangladesh”. Antony Flew spent most of his life lecturing and writing against the Bible and promoting Atheism – he wrote “There is a God.” The list goes on and on. Time-and-time-again, the Bible wins over those who honestly oppose it and try to refute it by studying it to expose its weaknesses. Instead of weaknesses, they find it to be the powerful word of God. Instead of holes, they find it to be the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Instead of inaccuracies, they find insights missed by centuries of scientific enquiry. Instead of oppressive legalism, they find life-giving grace. Instead of irrelevance, they find it to more accurately describe the state of mankind and this world than any other work in existence. Instead of a hateful mean-spirited God, they find a God who loves them so much that He sacrificed what was most precious to save them. They find that the Bible really does matter! And that is the reason it comes under such relentless assault. Something in us chafes when faced with ultimate authority. Part of our fallen nature wants to lash out at anything that claims authority. Every time I see one of those bumper-stickers that read “Question Authority”, I want to reply, “Who says I have to?” I do not think God feels the least bit threatened when His word comes under attack, and I don’t think I need to lose heart about it either. His word will stand, when all others are proven false. Communism could not blot out God’s Word – there were hundreds of times more Christians in China when it opened up to the west in the 1980s than when it kicked out the missionaries in 1949. Nazism could not overcome the Bible – it only proved the depravity of man and drove many, including Jews to the Bible. Rome could not keep the New Testament from being written – its road system became the Bible’s distribution network to the world. Materialism could not make God’s truth unnecessary – its emptiness highlighted the Bible’s substance. Darwinism could not explain away the creator – it only reveals more of God’s glorious creation. Neither will the “New Atheism” prove the Bible irrelevant or harmful. So I need not lose sleep when someone with fancy credentials or notoriety lashes out at the Bible. I don’t think God is wringing His hands over it, neither should I. Instead I can sit back and watch the glory of God as He triumphs over the most “formidable” of His detractors. Yet like God, I need not see them as enemies to be eliminated. He has drawn some of His best workers from such stock. I think of the Apostle Paul, at one point committed to the elimination of this troublesome sect from the face of the earth. Even before his conversion, all he accomplished was to spread its followers over the known world by his acts of oppression. What encourages me about all of this is that I don’t need to “defend” the Bible. It will stand on its own merit. It will defend itself better than I ever will be able. All I need do is present it. God’s Word will sink down into the hearts of people, even the most hardened, and kindle that flame so long smothered. It will inspire even the most lifeless. It will give hope to the most discouraged. It will bring light to the deepest dungeon. It will bring a song to the spiritually deaf and dumb. For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12 (New International Version, ©2011)

Share 0 Hi Roger, I have a small group I am teaching, actually three of my best friends, one a Catholic, one a Lutheran, and one an alcoholic. They really need the Lord; however, the alcoholic says she doesn’t believe in God, what do I say? She drinks even at our study and I am torn about how to proceed or if I should. Name Withheld” Dear Name Withheld, I am sorry about your friend; alcoholism usually ends in tragedy not only for the alcoholic but for everyone around them. The devastation spreads like the ripples of a stone tossed into a pond. I understand both your pain and your concern for her wellbeing. You would do most anything to help her get help, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. The obvious answer is Christ is greater than any addiction. Your friend’s salvation is the key to deliverance. But few find victory instantaneously. What can you do—really? The person has to be ready. The denial mechanism is so strong that most alcoholics have considerable difficulty both seeing the oncoming destruction and doing anything to avert the tragedy. But, the situation is not hopeless. Consider talking to her family and close friends about arranging an “intervention” for her. An intervention occurs when family and close friends all get together for a surprise confrontation with their alcoholic friend. Sometimes the shock of experiencing so many close friends and family sharing their concern for her will cause the alcoholic to surrender to treatment. Unfortunately, this process is usually not successful; however, fortunately, sometimes, it does work. It is important to have planned in advance which treatment center he/she will go to that very night. The move to treatment must occur immediately following the intervention, otherwise he/she will soon change their minds and the intervention will be for naught. It is wise for you to work out with the family and other friends a treatment plan for when the alcoholic finally reaches “bottom” and is so broken that they will surrender for help. Regarding the non belief and/or need for the Lord among your friends, my suggestion is to continue focusing on your daily walk with Christ. Nothing pushy, just authentic. No rational arguments, just the indwelling life of Christ that you enjoy. The picture of Christ is beautiful to behold and desirably attractive for people whose lives are a mess. I believe that the advice Peter gave to wives about winning their non-Christian husbands is applicable in every situation where we are longing to lead a friend or loved one to Christ: Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:1-5). Of course, prayer can change things. So we add a dose of prayer to our endeavors. While your friend has free will to make any choice she wants, you may pray for Jesus to place her in circumstances which might pave the way for her surrender to the Person and Lordship of Christ. By the way, remember that coming to Christ always involves a spiritual battle. Pray against the spiritual blindness Satan imparts to souls in hindering their coming to Christ. Paul gave us insight into this behind-the-scenes battle over the souls of men and women: The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4-6). I hope that my answer helps to give some positive direction for a difficult situation. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, What does the Bible say about acupuncture? Sincerely, K Dear K, I believe that the Bible is completely silent on the subject. However, my studies regarding the electrical and neuronal pathways of the human body lead me to believe that acupuncture may have some physical healing efficacy. I think that many Christians wonder whether or not acupuncture has some sort of divine component that would best be left alone and even avoided. We will discuss that idea in a moment. To understand the possible spiritual implications of acupuncture means that we must understand the concept of “Qi” (also spelled chi or ch’i). In traditional Chinese culture, Qi is the life force or energy flow in every living creature. Qi is often compared to the Western ideas of energeia or élan vital (vitalism), as well as the yogic notions of prana and pranayama. The literal translation of “qi” is air, breath, or gas. Qi is comparable to the Greek word, pneuma, which means wind, breath, or air. From a Chinese perspective, Qi would be analogous to the work of the indwelling Holy Spirit in the lives of Christians. We might imagine that Qi is the wind in the sails that drives a ship. We can’t see the wind but we can see its results in moving the ship along in its journey. Balanced and free-flowing Qi results in good health, while stagnant or imbalanced Qi leads to disease. The purpose of both acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine is to restore balanced and free-flowing Qi. Acupuncture is the practice of inserting thin needles into specific body points to improve health and well-being. There is much discussion among acupuncturists revolving around the number and location of the various energy points. As I understand the procedure, care is taken to find the moving, positive Qi and place the needles accordingly. Does acupuncture work? Medical research demonstrates that acupuncture can reduce nausea and vomiting after surgery and chemotherapy. It can also relieve pain. No one understands how acupuncture works. But, I figure that sense it has been around for 2,000 years, there may be some validity to it. Some researchers conjecture that it aids in the body’s pain-killing chemicals. Others suggest that acupuncture may help release chemicals that regulate blood pressure and flow. Since the human body is an electro-magnetic entity, it is not far beyond the realm of reason to think that acupuncture really does tap into the body’s electro-magnetic energy which affects every cell in the body. Everything that occurs in the human body is powered by chemical reactions which produce electrical and therefore magnetic waves as well—in other words, energy! For example, magnets are best fashioned from iron—and the blood is filled with iron. The electrical and magnetic forces in the body interact in a myriad of ways. These intersections may help to explain the “energy centers” sought out by acupuncturists in their work. Now for the religious questions: Does acupuncture have a spiritual component? If I turn to acupuncture to help relieve some physical aliment, is there a possibility that I am getting involved with, or under the influence of, some Near or Far Eastern god or spirit? I believe that the answer to this question is a resounding, “no.” Acupuncture was developed in the context of Taoism during the 4th century B.C.. While Taoism is considered to be a sort of religious/philosophical system, it is basically atheistic. While there is no doubt that many Eastern Religions are profoundly intertwined with the occult world, Taoism is not one of them. I hope this gives some help. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, I have a question regarding a divorce. I married my then spouse for all the wrong reasons. I thought things would change after the marriage, but they got worse. My then spouse confessed he didn’t believe in god and he brought all types of evils into our family. After many failed attempts to get him to join a church or get counseling I decided it only be wise to leave him. My concern is on remarrying, we were married in a court building, not on biblical grounds. So am I able to remarry if I cleanse myself, repent for those sins? Sincerely, Nicole Dear Nicole, Yes, under the Bible’s guidelines you are free to remarry. In fact, the Biblical teaching is quite clear. If you have grounds for divorce then you have the right to remarry. So, since you are the one to divorce your husband, let’s be sure that you had Biblical grounds for initiating a divorce. From everything that I can tell, you had the Biblical right to divorce your husband. According to the teachings of both Jesus and Paul, your husband failed to live up to his marriage vows and to his marriage responsibilities as outlined in Ephesians 5:25-33. In essence he broke up your marriage even before you were divorced. Paul taught that the role of a husband is to love and sacrifice for his wife as Jesus loved and sacrificed His life for His church. The husband is to invest his life in loving his wife and caring for her needs even before he takes care of his own. He is responsible to make her into the best woman she can possibly be. He is to watch over her and protect her from “evil things” like the ones he brought into your house. He is responsible for his wife’s spiritual development. From what you described, your husband walked out on you a long time ago—even while you both lived under the same roof. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul taught that married people are not to divorce. He taught that if a Christian is married to an unbelieving spouse who wants to stay married, then the Christian is to remain because you never know whether or not they might get their lives straightened out with Christ. Paul also taught that if a Christian is married to an unbelieving spouse and the unbelieving spouse wants out of the marriage, then the Christian is “no longer bound in such circumstances.” Nicole, I believe that in your case, your unbelieving husband has, by his very actions made it very clear that he has abandoned your marriage. Therefore, “in your circumstance” you are not bound and thus free to remarry. So, go ahead and confess the ways you might have not been the best wife, let your heart break over the pain of a failed marriage. Then, begin to pick up the pieces of your life and begin a new chapter. May God bring just the right Xhristian man into your life. May you be blessed with the marriage you wanted to begin with! May God grant good days ahead for you. By the way, when you prepare to remarry, remember that thinkkng you can change a man is usually wishful thinking. What you see is what you get. However, the grace of God can turn any spouse into the very reflection of Jesus Chhrsit. So, don’t give up hope. Love, Roger

A few years ago, I learned a lesson about the faithfulness of God, a lesson that I will probably never forget. I would like to be able to tell you it was due to something earth-shakingly significant, but it was actually quite mundane. That was the beauty of it. I had a clock radio that I used to get up to every morning. At one point, the alarm function ceased working, but it wasn’t really a problem because I would generally wake up in time to get to work by 9:30, and I worked flex-time. But one evening I realized that I needed to get up early the next morning (no later than 6:00) and had no alarm clock. The clock part still worked fine, but the alarm didn’t work. And at that time, there was no place in Rolla Missouri to buy an alarm clock at 11:00 p.m. In desperation, I told God that I really needed to awake at 6:00, and asked Him to wake me. My faith made mustard seeds look gargantuan. The next morning, when my eyes opened, I was looking directly at the clock radio, and it said 6:00 on the money. The alarm had not gone off, but there I was wide-awake. Hmmm! Pretty neat, I thought, but was it for real? So over the next few days, I performed an experiment. Each night, I would ask God to wake me at a particular time the next morning. To make the experiment more robust, I would randomly vary the time I wanted my wake-up call. Each morning, when I awoke, I would look at the clock, and it was exactly the time I had requested. This went on for several months, and every morning, I would awake at the exact time I had requested the night before. I didn’t always get up at that time, but without fail, I would wake up at the exact time I asked for Him to wake me – until one day. It was a late Saturday night, and I asked God to wake me at 6:00 the next morning. I had to finish my class lesson, and was leading worship that morning, so I needed to get to church early to get ready for that. So I went to sleep, confident that He would wake me at 6:00. When I awoke, I rolled over and to my horror saw that it was 7:00 instead of 6:00. I was shaken, and in my panic to get ready quickly, I skipped breakfast and rushed up to church, the whole time wondering why He had not awakened me as before. I ran up to the church door, grabbed the handle, and pulled against the locked door. Stunned, I stood there confused. The whole morning had been totally disorienting, but why was the door locked? Then it hit me. I sank to the door-step, sat down and began to laugh. If any one had driven by just then, I’m sure they would have called the rubber truck – I was totally in stitches. I had forgotten to reset my clock for the change from daylight savings time, but God had not forgotten the time change. Since that day, I have remembered that as the day God showed me just how faithful He is. I no longer need to have Him awaken me, but many mornings as I awake and look at the clock, I smile and wonder at the faithfulness of a God who remembers to reset the clock when I don’t.

Dear Roger, Are there no accidents in death because God appoints all deaths? And if so, then why should we bother wearing seatbelts? Sincerely, H Dear H, At first glance, the answer to your question is obvious. Put on your seat belt! But a closer examination reveals a much larger issue: Free Will versus Determinism. When I was about twenty-five I told our congregation that God has determined in advance the coming day of our demise. There is not one thing on earth, I preached, that can take us before our appointed time. If we are in prison for our faith, for example, no one can martyr us before God’s appointed time. If we have cancer, that dread disease will not be allowed to take our lives before God’s ultimate time table for us is played out. I was wrong. “Free Will” is a philosophical term that postulates the freedom of rational people to choose courses of action from among various alternatives. Theological determinism is the idea that there is a god who determines all that humans will do, either by knowing their actions in advance, via some form of omniscience or by decreeing their actions in advance. From this perspective, actions cannot be free because God has determined them before hand and they cannot be changed. It is possible to take the view that anything that happens on earth must be God’s will—otherwise, it could not have happened. This is determinism. On the other hand, it is possible to take the theological view that because the world is a broken and fallen world, God’s will can be thwarted by any number of things, including our own choices. The idea that God is deterministic means that it doesn’t matter whether you wear a seatbelt or not, if today is our God-appointed day to die, we will die today. If not, even the most horrendous accident can’t claim our lives. The idea that we have free will means that anything can happen, nothing is already “written” or determined. Therefore, we ought to buckle up our seat belts. There is a difference between God knowing in advance what will happen (omniscience) as opposed to making it happen (determinism) or just allowing it to happen. From a theological viewpoint, very few things on earth are bound to happen because God determined them. For example, God never intended for Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. Adam made that choice on his own (with Eve’s help, of course). God never intended for Genesis 6:5-6 to occur. Genesis 6:5-6: The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. Nothing was determined here. Mankind was free to make evil choices; and, what they chose broke God’s heart. We cannot extend the days God has appointed for us (Psalm 139:16); but we certainly can shorten them—or, they can be shortened for us by others. Psalm 139:16: “Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” While there is no doubt that God has a “Plan A” for each of us, there is no guarantee that “Plan A” will be fulfilled exactly as God imagines it. Accidental deaths occur because we live in a fallen world. Many things happen that are not God’s will because of the free-will choices (are they really free?) that we make. Too many people, because of carelessness, theirs or others, enter into God’s presence before their appointed time. Christians who choose to place themselves in the way of physical harm can’t claim that God has promised to protect them in order that “Plan A” will be fulfilled. I’ve met Christian missionaries who have claimed Acts 18:9-11 for their protection in dangerous situations: Acts 18:9-11: One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: “Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city.” God promised that protection to Paul; He did not promise it to us. It is wrong for Christians to put themselves in risky situations and justify the risks by saying, “Nothing can take me before my time—or before the time God has planned for me either.” Another term for this is “tempting God”; another way to say this is “presuming on God’s will.” Remember that Satan is now in this world of ours and he is here to “kill, steal and destroy” (John 10:10). The battle in the Heavenlies between God and Satan is often acted out in real earth time. Spiritual warfare praying is more than a suggestion, it is essential (Ephesians 6:10-18). If pre-ordained death days are determined, then there is no need for Christians to wear seat belts. On the other hand, since we live in a fallen world where we have free will, we had best put them on and cinch them up tight! The issue of free will and determinism has perplexed men and women for centuries. Writings from Greek, Roman and Jewish philosophers and both Buddhist and Hindu teachings confirm that free will versus determinism is a hot issue in most all cultures and societies. Philosophers have debated this question for over two millennia, and just about every major philosopher has had something to say about it. While free will seems to me so obviously true, as to not be questioned, this is not the case. Let me just share a few of the subset of areas where philosophers struggle with the issue: biological determinism, genetic determinism, behavioral determinism, cultural determinism, social determinism and environmental determinism. So, at the risk of oversimplification, let me simplify this in a Christian and Biblical context that might give us guidance for the things God does and the choices we make. The reason that the free will—determinism debate matters is that it centers around the issue of moral responsibility. “Am I responsible for my actions or not?” If my actions are determined before hand by God, then I am not responsible for what I do and how I act. If, on the other hand, I have free will, then, of course I am responsible for what I do. I’d better buckle my belt. I am free to die today whether God planned it for today or not. In my opinion there is little room for argument. We all make wrong choices at times. Honestly, we must all admit that none of us are living out “Plan A” exactly. In fact, most of us are somewhere on “Plan X Triple Prime!” Have you ever stopped to consider that even God is free to change His Own mind? 1 Kings 21:17-19: Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah the Tishbite: “Go down to meet Ahab king of Israel, who rules in Samaria. He is now in Naboth’s vineyard, where he has gone to take possession of it. Say to him, ‘This is what the LORD says: Have you not murdered a man and seized his property?’ Then say to him, ‘This is what the LORD says: In the place where dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood—yes, yours!’” 1 Kings 21:27-29: When Ahab heard these words, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and fasted. He lay in sackcloth and went around meekly. Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah the Tishbite: “Have you noticed how Ahab has humbled himself before me? Because he has humbled himself, I will not bring this disaster in his day, but I will bring it on his house in the days of his son.” If God’s actions are not set in stone, then neither are ours. After all, we are made in His image. For me the issue is forever settled by Jesus’ words in John 3:16: John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” We are not predetermined to go to Heaven or Hell; but, we have a choice to make. We might say it like this, “Whoever so chooses is free to believe in Jesus and those who do believe are determined to receive eternal life. In conclusion, I think a proper understanding of the debate really includes both ends of the spectrum. Our freedom to choose is set in the context that some things are determined by God and will occur whether we choose them or not. Not even the gates of Hell can thwart them. Romans 8:35-39 is theologically determined and we are the better for it: Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Well, H, I hope my answer is helpful. Love, Roger [Dear Reader, H and I exchanged several emails over the next several weeks regarding his question. In his last email he wrote, “I guess Ralph should have worn his seatbelt.” Yes, I suppose he should have.] So, put on your seat belt and be careful.

Dear Roger, It’s been almost a year since I left my husband with my 3 children. At that time my daughters were 15 and 13 and my son was 9. My daughters both told me that my husband (their step father) was saying sexual things to them and my 13 year old had a text from my husband that was very explicit about himself. Once I saw the text, I had proof of what my girls were saying. About 3 months after we left he did get indicted with two charges of indecency with a child-One charge for each daughter -which he is currently fighting. Since we left, I have had minimal contact until recently. He is in anger management as well as seeing a psychiatrist trying to get help. He is adamant that he never touched my girls (which he did not-but through all our interviews have come to know that what he did was grooming) and admits to the harm he caused. He feels that what he has done can be forgiven and we can repair our marriage. My girls have so much anger for him- I have forgiven him- he is no longer in our lives and nowhere near my children-forgiveness was easier for me than it is for my daughters. They are so young and their pain is far deeper than mine. I want to do the right thing for us all but feel lost in all of this. Can you give any advice? Sincerely, (Name Withheld) Dear (Name Withheld) I grieve for you and your children and for the pain and hurt you are enduring. I know that you all have suffered greatly. I hurt for you. Your children will need much care and comfort so as not to come out of this experience deeply scarred. One of the best ways to help them through their emotional pains and hurts is to do what Jesus suggested in Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.” Your children are mourning. Sometimes the best thing is to put your arms around them, pat them gently on the head, and cry with them. While you didn’t mention actually divorcing your husband, I am certain that the idea crossed your mind. So let me confirm that you have “Biblical grounds” for divorce if you want it. According to Jesus sexual perversion breaks the marriage bonds. The Greek word translated “adultery’ which He used in Matthew 19:9ff is “porneia”. The word means much more than adultery. It includes a wide umbrella of illicit sexual activities including adultery, pornography, bestiality, fornication and incest (suggested or otherwise). You may also want to read Ephesians 5:25-31 where the responsibilities of a husband are clearly laid out. A husband who does not live up to these responsibilities has quite clearly broken the bond of marriage. On the other hand, while you have grounds for divorce, you by no means have to exercise that right. You can certainly work to restore your marriage and your relationship with your estranged husband. However, I suggest that you leave your children out of this procedure. By the way, I would never put your children through the trauma of living under the same roof with him ever again. Please recognize that his efforts to justify his behavior in the court system may be more hurtful than his original behavior with the children. In essence he is now acting like a bully. He is calling them liars Next, those involved in child sexual abuse very rarely get “well.” From my own genetic and brain chemistry research it seems to me that those involved in child sexual abuse seem to be “wired” differently than others who are not attracted to children as sex addicts. This is why so many child-sexual abusers immediately return to their dastardly activities as soon as they find the opportunity. Please don’t take this to mean that your husband is a child-sex abuser. He may have just allowed his old sin nature to overwhelm him. The fact that he is seeing a psychiatrist is encouraging whether he is “wired” that way or not. I hope that he gets help so as never to act like this way again. By the way, I feel quite broken hearted for your husband. His life will never be the same again. He has lost a major portion of his family, life and future. He also is in great pain; I can’t imagine him otherwise. In many ways his life is now on hold while all of this is worked out. He needs our prayers for the grace of God to sustain him while he tries to put his life back together again. If I seem rather intolerant of your husband’s behavior it is simply because there are lines that should not be crossed. Your husband crossed several. This is intolerable. I find the term “grooming” rather strange. He has no business touching your girls in any form or fashion—and especially writing them indecent notes about himself. Whatever he did, he certainly “scared your kids to death.” His behavior was painfully dysfunctional. Please don’t minimize in your mind what he did or didn’t do. The fact that your children are reacting like they are is evidence that whatever he did is more than just inappropriate. It was nasty, humiliating and terrifying. I believe that biological parents can certainly comfort their children when they are hurting and show them signs of affection. However, unless step dad has raised the children since preschool years and has a safe and loving parental relationship developed with them over many years of loving care, in all but a few special circumstances, step dad had best keep his hands away from the children—especially those of the opposite sex. My biggest concern is for your children. I think that you should keep them as far away from step dad as you possibly can. Eventually, over time, hopefully, they will heal from the trauma and work through the pain–but that will come later—usually with time, loving counsel and care. Please don’t try to make the kids forgive dad at the present time, this pressure will only cause more hurt to their young psyches. Finally, you may want to restore your relationship with your husband. If so, go slowly. You say that you have forgiven him. Let’s be certain you really understand the meaning of forgiveness—for both you and your children. 1. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. I do not know who coined the admonition “forgive and forget”. I do know that it is impossible to “forget” at will. 2. Forgiving does not mean letting the one who hurt you “off the hook.” The issue here is justice. Those who hurt people need to pay for what they did. You want to hold on to you perceived right to “get even”. However, the truth is that when we forgive, we let people off of our “hook”, but they are still on God’s hook—for vengeance or grace and forgiveness. 3. Forgiving is not a sign of weakness. Forgiveness is not a passive behavior that allows the person to keep on hurting you or others. On the contrary! Forgiveness is a courageous act that reflects the grace, kindness, and compassion of Christ. 4. Forgiving does not means that we must pick up the relationship with the one who hurt us as if nothing ever happened. Forgiveness does not demand that we reenter an abusive or toxic relationship with the unrepentant offender. If the offender is repentant, we can choose to establish boundaries, giving the offender—over a period of time—the opportunity to demonstrate his/her trustworthiness which is a precondition to authentic intimacy. Regaining trust—and that can take a long time—if ever. Again, I grieve for you and your pain. Everything in your life is turned topsy-turvy. You never expected this to happen. Life was never intended to be like this. May God bless you and your children as you pick up the pieces and struggle through these days to great victory as Jesus pours in the power and strength for all you need (Philippians 4:10-13). Love, Roger

Dear Roger,   I really struggle with anger. It seems like I just can’t keep it under control. I know it’s not Christian to be angry, so what advice would you give me? Sincerely, BLE Dear BLE, Who says that it’s a sin for a Christian to get angry!? Jesus got angry on numerous occasions ( Mark 3:5 ; Mathew 13:23-36 and John 2:13-17 just to name a few). I figure that if it was OK for Jesus to get angry then it is OK for you and me! Like you, many people do wonder: “Is it a sin to be angry?” Of course not. Anger is a necessary, built-in emotion. ( Proverbs 27:4 ; 14:17 ; Ephesians 4:26-27 ) . The emotion of anger is not sin; but, anger has the potential to lead into sin. Anger does not become sin until we translate it into aggressive and hostile actions—or activities destructive to ourselves.   However, anger has its limits. Out of control anger can be a dastardly thing. One of my favorite proverbs is Proverb 29:11: “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”   Why do people get angry? You know the answer to that. People get angry for all sorts of reasons. Some are angry because of the injustices done to themselves or to others. Some are angry for righteousness sake. Hurt someone and they will get angry ( Proverbs 20:2 ). Anger is the natural response to being hurt. Some are stymied and kept from doing something they intend to do. Some have been embarrassed by others. Others feel cheated. The loss of a loved one can trigger intense anger. Occasionally a small squabble can become an angry encounter. The list goes on and on. On somewhat of a deeper level, some get easily and overly angry because of imbalanced brain chemistry. Some have opened their lives to a demonic stronghold ( Ephesians 4:26-27 ).   Uncannily, many people don’t realize when they are angry. According to Dwight L. Carlson, M.D. the following are misconceptions about anger: 1. If I don’t look, feel, or seem angry, I don’t have an anger problem. 2. If I ignore my hurts and anger, they will go away and won’t cause me any trouble later on. 3. If I just let all my feelings and anger out—just get them out of my system—I’ll solve my anger problems. 4. It won’t cost me too much emotionally to be a nice person who never gets angry at anybody. 5. If I express my hurts and anger to the person with whom I’m angry, our relationship will suffer.   Very often, we tend to express our anger in two ways: we blow up and vent our anger ( Proverbs 29:11 ) , or we internalize it by “clamming up.” The first century Greeks recognized these two polar opposites. “Orge” describes a fire that quickly flashes up and dies down just as quickly. Like when an open flame is touched to a pile of extremely dry sticks and leaves. It burns furiously and just as quickly burns itself out. Some angry people explode and often hurt those around them–but they sure feel better.   On the other hand, the Greek word “thumos” describes a ripe peach still hanging on the tree that keeps getting riper and riper until it turns to mush and falls on the ground for some unsuspecting person to step in. “Thumos” people internalize anger and refuse to face it for what it is. Eventually, however, their anger will likely ooz out and sabotage relationships with the people around them–as well as their own emotional well being.   In his dynamic work, The Angry Book , Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin, M.D., illustrates describes what “orge” and “thumos” might look like. 1. Venting (“orge”): Auto Poison; Bullying; Explosive Behavior; Rage; Violence; Suicide; and Murder 2. Repressing (“thumos”): Anxiety; Depression; Self-Sabotage; High Blood Pressure; Overeating; Under eating; Sleep Problems; Silent Treatment; Malicious Gossip; Overworking; Over sexing; Over exercising; Bad Dreams; Always Tired; Drugs; Alcohol; and Juice-Stewing Now, let’s come to the crux of the matter. What do I do when I feel myself becoming angry? ( Proverbs 16:32 )   1. Deescalate the emotions of the moment. Choose to calm yourself down. ( Proverbs 30:33 ; 15:1 ). Take time to read and apply Psalm 131 . Counting to 100 is still a most effective way of quieting yourself down before doing something stupid. 2. Quickly decide whether the anger is worth it and back away if it is not. I was a happy third grader on the play ground when a big-fourth grader challenged me to a fight. “I heard that you said that you can beat me in a fight. Do you want to try,” he asked?” My first thought was, “I never said that.” My second thought was that it wasn’t worth the fight. I said, “O.K. you win. You are better than me.” He screwed up his face and looked at me: “Well then, don’t you forget it.” Some situations just aren’t worth it. 3. Ask the question, “where have I been hurt?” Most people get angry they’ve been hurt by someone, something or some situation. ( Proverbs 19:11 ) . What hurt is producing you anger? Heal the hurt and you will begin to heal the hurt Matthew 5:4 ) . 4. Follow Jesus’ anger-healing model as revealed during His crucifixion experience (This model is adapted from “Jesus Healing Model by David Ferguson of Intimate Life Ministries.) First, He mourned His hurt ( Matthew 26:38 ) and received comfort ( Matthew 5:4 ) from the angels. “ He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me” ( Matthew 26:37-38 ).   Second, He understood the truth of what was happening: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” “( Luke 23:34 ).   Third, He forgave those who were crucifying Him: “Father, forgive them . . . ” ( Luke 23:34 ).   I hope this helps. We need to feel the emotion of anger to be healthy, as long as we express it in a godly way.   Love, Roger