Dysfunctional Families: Jacob and Laban

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MESSAGE SUMMARY One of the most used (if not overused) terms of our culture is the term dysfunctional. It has become the chic descriptor of flawed and broken people and especially families. Too often this expression is used as an excuse to justify bad behaviors in other people. But this story of Jacob and Laban yields much insight into human behavior as well as divine intervention. Here we discover three levels of relational interaction and family dynamics.

STUDY GUIDE

Connect Recap Notes: June 3, 2018

Speaker: Skip Heitzig

Teaching: "Families Are Dysfunctional...but God"

Text: Genesis 31

PATH

One of the most used (if not overused) terms of our culture is the word dysfunctional. It has become the chic descriptor of flawed and broken people and especially families. Too often this expression is used as an excuse to justify bad behaviors in other people. But this story of Jacob and Laban yields much insight into human behavior as well as divine intervention. Here we discover three levels of relational interaction and family dynamics.

I. Every Family Is Dysfunctional (vv. 1-2)

II. God Can Function in Dysfunction (v. 3)

 III. Growth Is Seeing God Instead of Dysfunction (vv. 4-11)

Points

Every Family is Dysfunctional (vv. 1-2)

• Families are like fudge: they're mostly sweet but sprinkled with a few nuts.

• You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family --- but you can choose to adjust to your family.

• In Genesis 31, we find two dysfunctional families --- Jacob's and Laban's.

• Consider the family of Jacob, the grandson of Abraham:

  • His parents played favorites. Esau and Jacob were twins: Esau was born first, but Jacob had grabbed Esau's heel at birth, a symbol of reversed birth order and blessing.

  • God said Esau would serve Jacob, but their father, Isaac, preferred Esau and fought against God's prediction. Jacob connived and deceived and ultimately tricked Esau out of his birthright for a mere bowl of stew.

  • When Isaac was old, Jacob and his mother, Rebekah, conspired to deceive Isaac into blessing Jacob. As a result, Jacob had to flee Esau's wrath and was sent away to his uncle Laban's house.

• Consider Laban's dysfunction:

  • Laban was a master deceiver. He had promised Jacob his daughter, Rachel, in marriage, but on their wedding night, Laban switched Rachel for his older daughter, Leah.

  • Jacob had two wives, two surrogate (concubine) wives, lots of kids, and many problems.

• Every person --- and every family --- has issues. We are all dysfunctional. The culprit is sin which affects every person and every family.

• Jesus described humans as poor, brokenhearted, captives, blind and oppressed (see Luke 4:18).

• Probe: If you're comfortable sharing, describe some of the dysfunctional aspects of the family you grew up in. How did you cope with the dysfunction?

God Can Function in Dysfunction (v. 3)

• A dysfunctional family never stopped God from blessing a family and working through them. Our perfect God uses imperfect people; our holy God works through unholy people. There is no other kind of people for Him to use..

• Amid dysfunction, God spoke to Jacob and Laban. God did not withhold truth until Jacob got it together or got past his dysfunction. God spoke and led despite imperfect relationships and circumstances.

• Taking failure as the final word is to fail. To grow, we must learn from failure. Don't let your failure define you; make your failure serve you.

• God reserves the right to use people who disagree with us and don't like us. God uses as He chooses.

• Probe: Share a time when God worked through a dysfunctional situation in your life. What were the circumstances? How did God work despite them?

Growth Is Seeing God Instead of Dysfunction (vv. 4-11)

• Jacob grew. He included God in his situation and acted. He gathered his family together to discuss the problems. He was honest and candid. He revealed a new way of seeing, of processing evil and pain.

• Jacob wore a new set of glasses with lenses that focused on God, not garbage: but God bifocals. Jacob knew that bad things happen, but he set his gaze on God.

• Jacob's actions revealed:

  • God's presence (v. 5): When life gets weird, it's easy to feel like God has abandoned you, but He doesn't. He is right there with you.

  • God's protection (v. 7): "…but God did not allow him to hurt me."

  • God's partnership (v. 9): God gave Jacob a new life. Jacob looked at God, who functioned despite dysfunction.

• Other biblical heroes also wore but God bifocals:

  • Joseph: "You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good…" (Genesis 50:20).

  • David: "David stayed in…the wilderness…. Saul sought him every day, but God did not deliver him into his hand" (1 Samuel 23:14).

  • Ezra: "They refused to obey…. But You are God…" (Nehemiah 9:17).

  • Paul: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God…" (Romans 8:28).

• The right glasses let you see the divine hand; they pull back the curtain of God's providence.

• No matter how bad things have been, don't let dysfunction define you; God is able to function in your dysfunction.

• Probe: What steps can you take to put on a new set of glasses—but God bifocals—and step away from dysfunction? Focus on the Family counselor Tim Sanford recommends these steps: become aware, take ownership, purposefully observe, educate ourselves about dysfunction, evaluate relationships, read Proverbs, practice healthy living, and be patient.1 What else can you think of?

Practice

Connect Up: The Christian life has three stages: justification (salvation), sanctification (being conformed into the image of Christ), and glorification (going home to the Lord upon death)—all part of His desire for us to overcome our dysfunction. How can we better partner with God in the sanctification process, turning dysfunction into function, and clothing ourselves with the character of Christ? Read Colossians 3:12-17 for insight.

Connect In: Though we wish it wasn't, the church is full of dysfunctional people, at times mimicking a biological family. How are we to handle one another when dysfunction arises within the church? Read and discuss these verses: Matthew 18:15-20; Philippians 2:1-4; James 4:7-12.

Connect Out: How would you explain to an unbeliever the fact that saved people are still sinners (see 1 John 1:10), at times acting dysfunctional? How would you share the process of going from spiritual dysfunction to function via the gospel?

Tim Sanford, "Eight Steps to Break Up a Cycle of Family Dysfunction," May 19, 2014, http://www.boundless.org/adulthood/2014/8-steps-to-break-a-cycle-of-family-dysfunction, accessed 06/03/18.

DETAILED NOTES

I. Introduction

A. You can't choose your family, but you can choose to adjust to and add positivity to your family

B. The term dysfunctional family has been used since the 1960s to describe families that have problems that follow children into the next generation

C. Dysfunctional is overused, but dysfunction is pervasive

II. Every Family Is Dysfunctional (vv. 1-2)

A. Genesis 27-33 chronicles one messed up family: Jacob, his wives Rachel and Leah, and his father-in-law, Laban

B. Jacob both came from and married into a dysfunctional family

1. Dysfunctional people tend to attract dysfunctional people

2. Jacob and Laban were two peas in a dysfunctional pod

C. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob are biblical heroes, but lying and deception was practiced and passed on for generations

1. Jacob's parents played favorites: Isaac preferred Esau; Rebekah preferred Jacob (see Genesis 25:28)

2. God predicted Esau, the oldest, would serve Jacob, the youngest (see Genesis 25:23); Isaac fought against God's prediction

3. Jacob connived, deceived, and tricked Esau out of his birthright in exchange for a bowl of stew (see Genesis 25:29-33)

4. When Isaac was old, Jacob and Rebekah conspired to deceive Isaac into giving Jacob his blessing (see Genesis 27)

D. Jacob fell in love with Rachel, whose father, Laban, was a master deceiver (see Genesis 29:18-28)

1. Laban forced Jacob to work for him for seven years in order to marry Rachel

2. On their wedding night, Laban switched Rachel for his older daughter, Leah

3. Jacob worked seven more years for Laban to finally marry Rachel

E. Jacob had two wives, two concubine wives, lots of kids, and many problems

F. Every human has their issues that affect their family and the family they marry into

1. We don't function the way God intended

2. Dysfunction is the result of sin (see I Corinthians 15:21)

3. Even the church is dysfunctional

4. Jesus described humans as poor, brokenhearted, captives, blind, and oppressed (see Luke 4:18)

III. God Can Function in Dysfunction (v. 3)

A. A dysfunctional family never stopped God from functioning, blessing, or working through that family

1. God spoke to Jacob (see v. 3)

2. God spoke to Laban (see v. 24)

B. Perfect God works through and uses imperfect people; Holy God speaks to and works through unholy people

1. There is no other kind of people for Him to use (see I Corinthians 1:27)

2. Peter failed; Moses failed; David failed; Abraham failed; Isaac and Jacob failed

3. Taking failure as the final word is to fail; learning from failure is to grow

4. Don't let your failure define you --- make your failure serve you

C. God reserves the right to use people who disagree with you, who don't like you

IV. Growth Is Seeing God Instead of Dysfunction (vv. 4-11)

A. Jacob demonstrated real spiritual growth (see vv. 4-8)

1. He included God in his situation

2. He gathered his family together to discuss the problems; he was honest and candid

3. candid He revealed a new way of seeing, of processing evil and pain; the lens through which he now viewed his life and events was but God bifocals

4. He acknowledged God's presence (see v. 5), God's protection (see v. 7), and God's partnership (see v. 9)

B. Jacob saw the functioning God rather than the dysfunction around him

C. Other biblical heroes also wore but God bifocals

1. Joseph (see Genesis 50:20)

2. David (see I Samuel 23:14)

3. Ezra (see Nehemiah 9:17)

4. Paul (see Romans 8:28)

V. Closing

A. But God bifocals let you see the divine hand; they pull back the curtain of providence

B. Let's interpret life through the lens of but God bifocals

C. God is never intimidated by our flaws of failures; He can match all our dysfunction with His faithfulness

D. The gospel --- the cross --- is the greatest example of how God functions in our dysfunction

Figures referenced: James Montgomery Boice, George Burns, Richard Carl Hoefler, J.I. Packer, George Bernard Shaw

Cross references: Genesis 25:23, 28, 29-33; 27; 29:18-28; 31; 50:20; 1 Samuel 23:14; Nehemiah 9:17; Luke 4:18; Romans 8:28; 1 Corinthians 1:27; 15:21

Topic: Family

Keywords: birthright, blessing, deceive, dysfunctional, failure, family, providence