How Can I Forgive My Abusive Husband?

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Dear Tom:

My ex-husband verbally abuses my kids and me, and it is causing us terrible heartache. I’ve had Christians tell me that I must forgive him even though he keeps doing it and won’t stop. It’s been going on for years, and I don’t know what to do. Do I have to forgive him even though he won’t stop?

Sherrie

Sherrie:

Thank you for writing to me. I’m so sorry about the difficulties you and your kids have been going through. Abuse is a terrible thing, no matter what form it takes. My father was sometimes verbally abusive, so I know a little of what your kids are going through.

Your question about forgiving your ex-husband is a difficult one. As Christians, we always want to be on the side of forgiving the guilty and extending a hand of mercy and compassion. But, to be honest, some people, like your ex-husband, make it hard. Abuse is a horrible cycle to get out of, and it often requires a dramatic event in people’s lives to get out from under it. But we should always try to retain hope that God sees our difficulties and knows what we are going through.

So, let me address your question with a direct answer, then I will explain it to you. First, you do not always have to forgive your ex for his abuse. The article I wrote on feeling forgiveness from the heart assumes that the other person has repented and wants to be forgiven. There are times in the scripture when forgiveness is not attained because the offending party did not repent of their sins. Now, this doesn’t mean that we can go around treating that person shamefully or return the abuse. It simply means that we must act wisely in relation to that person, always being ready to forgive when real repentance comes, but sometimes withholding it until that repentance comes. Especially when the abuse and manipulation continue.

Let me throw out a few things from scripture for you to consider.

Not everyone will be forgiven for their sin. This is apparent when we consider that those who do not repent of their sin and come to faith in Christ will suffer an eternity in hell. Jesus said that those who speak against the Holy Spirit never have forgiveness. Denying the truth of Christ is the same as calling the Spirit a liar when he is convicting us of who Jesus is. Dying in that condition is final, and for such a person, there is no hope.

Remember the rich young ruler who came to Jesus. He wanted forgiveness, but wasn’t willing to follow Jesus’ instructions for his life. The scripture says Jesus loved him, but because he didn’t follow Jesus’ instruction, he went away unforgiven.

In the book of John, Jesus told the Pharisees, “You will die in your sin.” He said that because they opposed him and didn’t believe in him. Clearly, they were not forgiven.

In I Corinthians 5, Paul talks about the man who was committing adultery with his step-mother. The man was unrepentant, so Paul said he was turning the man over to Satan for the destruction of his flesh so that his spirit would be saved later. Doesn’t that seem harsh? Yet, Paul saw the evil for what it was. Then man would not have experienced forgiveness from Paul or the church had he not repented (in II Corinthians it is implied that he later repented).

Lastly, at his resurrection, Jesus told his disciples, if you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven. If you withhold forgiveness, then it is withheld.

Forgiveness is not something that we give away willy-nilly. We are not required to forgive if there is no repentance and the other person continues in abuse and manipulation. Now, if you choose to forgive anyway, I believe God will honor your heart of obedience. But that doesn’t mean the situation will change or go away. Sometimes we forgive in advance, hoping that our forgiveness will draw that person to Christ and repentance. Sometimes that happens, sometimes it doesn’t. Just know this: you are not absolutely required to forgive where there is no repentance. But if you do forgive, God will honor your heart in this.

I pray that your situation will change and that you will experience the freedom from this that you desire. Please continue in patience, humility, and love as much as you can. Protect your children. Guard your heart.

God be with you in this difficult time.

Tom Terry