How to Be There for Others
- Jeff Jones
- Sep 8, 2020
- 13 min read
The Secret Sauce Week 3
August 21/23, 2020
How to Be There for Others
Jeff Jones
Today we continue our series, The Secret Sauce, focusing on some of the
components that make up the kind of life-giving relationships God created us to
build. Last week I mentioned that this week would be on hard conversations, but I
was wrong. That’s next week. You can learn how to confront me about my mistake
then. This week we are talking about consistency, being there for people when
being there is hard.
When you first hear that phrase, “being there,” it may sound pretty lame—being
there. It’s like when I played baseball, just one season, and I wasn’t very good at it,
so when I was up at bat rarely did people in the stands who wanted to be
encouraging have anything to say. I struck out a lot. The best I got was when I just
stood there as a pitch went by the plate. If it was a ball, people would say, “Good
eye! Good eye!” That’s the best it got, and a few pitches later after I struck out,
people might say, “That’s okay! You’ll get ‘em next time.” There was something
so defeating hearing “Good eye” as my biggest contribution to the game.
Just being there feels the same to me, like the crowd shouting, “Good eye!” or
“Way to be there!” “Way to show up!” I want to do more than to just show up, but
what we are going to see today is that showing up is way more powerful than we
think. All of us need people in our lives who show up, who are there for us when
being there is hard—not necessarily to solve anything or make it all better…but to
strengthen us in the way that only the right person showing up can.
It’s of course easier not to show up, and when we show up not knowing how can
help or what we can say, it can be so awkward. But today I want to motivate you
and me to push through that awkwardness and be people who show up in the lives
of people around us. Today we are talking about how to be there when being there
is hard. We all need that, and we all have the opportunity to do that.
We are going to see this today in a very personal and vulnerable passage in the
Bible where Paul is basically begging a trusted friend to show up, when doing so
would have been really difficult to do. It’s in the book of 2 Timothy, which was
Paul’s last letter. He was in a dungeon in Rome imprisoned by Nero and shortly
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after writing this letter he would be beheaded. So, 2 Timothy was written at a very
difficult time for Paul. Paul is writing to Timothy, and he says,
The Lord was with him, but at his biggest time of need, “no one came to my
support” and “everyone deserted me.” Picture a kid playing in a big game scanning
the crowd for her parents, and nobody is there. This was may more dramatic than
that. To understand it, we need to know the backstory. It was a really bad time to
be a Christian in Rome, because Nero the Emperor had initiated a terrible time of
persecution against Christians that was very violent and very real. Nero was a nut
case, and he hated Christians. A few years earlier, he had burned much of Rome
for selfish reasons and when people were upset he blamed it on the Christians and
started an incredible period of persecution against the church. He started one of the
multiple rounds in the Roman empire where Christians were killed in the Coliseum
for sport. The ancient Roman historian Tacitus wrote at the time:
SLIDE__________________________) (Put on one slide)
“Ergo abolendo rumori Nero subdidit reos. et quaesitissimis poenis adfecit
quos per flagitia invisos vulgus christianos appellabat. Auctor nominis eius
christus. Tyberio imperitante per procuratorem pontium pilatum supplicio
adfectus erat. repressaque in praesens exitiabilis superstitio rursum
erumpebat.” -Tacitus
Or, in English:
SLIDE__________________________)
"Therefore, to put an end to the rumor Nero created a diversion and
subjected to the most extra-ordinary tortures those hated for their
abominations by the common people called Christians…Covered with the
skins of beasts, they were torn by dogs and perished, or were nailed to crosses,
or were doomed to the flames. These served to illuminate the night when
daylight failed. Nero had thrown open the gardens for the spectacle… Hence,
even for criminals who deserved extreme and exemplary punishment there
arose a feeling of compassion; for it was not, as it seemed, for the public good,
but to satisfy one man's cruelty, that they were being punished.” -Tacitus
They would sew Christians alive into the carcasses of recently killed animals and
place them in the arena with starved wild dogs. He also had the habit of covering
live Christians with pitch and lighting them on fire to serve as outdoor lighting for
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evening parties in his gardens. That’s what it meant to be a Christian in Rome
around the time Paul was there, so most Christians had fled the city and it certainly
was not safe to be identified as a Christian.
So, in the middle of this, Paul is arrested and brought to Rome. As a Roman
citizen, he has the right to a trial, and as with us there were two steps. A first trial,
like our grand jury trial, and then the actual trial. Paul is talking about that first
trial, and the way the grand jury trial worked is that people would come and argue
on your behalf, stand with you in court, to see if the case would be dismissed or
move forward to the next trial. In Paul’s case, nobody stood with Paul. Nobody
showed up to speak in his defense.
Now that would have been incredibly painful and disappointing to Paul. There
were Christians in Rome who could have stood by him, and it is mysterious where
Luke was. We don’t know, maybe out of town or not there yet. But nobody came,
nobody stood with him, nobody spoke for him. You can see why though because if
people did come they would be identifying themselves as Christians and could also
be arrested and killed. We are talking about being there when being there is hard,
and it’s pretty hard to be there when Nero might take you, cover you with tar, and
light you on fire to light his dinner party that night. You can tell though that Paul
would have shown up for these other people, but these other people did not do that
for him.
SLIDE______________________) 2 Timothy 4:9-11
“Do your best to come to me quickly, for Demas, because he loved this
world, has deserted me and has gone to Thessalonica. Only Luke is with me.”
Paul always traveled with a team, and his team was no longer there. We don’t
know exactly happened with Demas, except that he “deserted” Paul. The Greek
word translated “deserted” means left in a bad situation. When Paul needed Demas
most, Demas split because he loved this present world, more than the one to come.
He had sent other team members on other assignments, so now “only” Luke was
with him. That makes it sound like Luke was kind of a dud, but I don’t think that’s
what he meant. Paul’s circumstances in Rome were horrific. He was in a dungeon,
dark and damp and cold…rat infested, little food. He wasn’t vacationing in Italy.
He was in a horrible situation, and those that had been with him split in his greatest
hour of need. He needed other people around him, not just Luke. He felt alone.
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Have you ever felt that way—alone when you needed people more than ever?
When things are going well, we can do okay living a fairly isolated life. But when
circumstances turn south, we realize our need for people. If we are alone, we really
feel alone.
So far this is a sad story, but it only gets more sad in verse 16, where we read:
SLIDE_____________________) 2 Timothy 4:16
“At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me.
May it not be held against them.”
SLIDE_____________________) 2 Timothy 4:17-18
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the
message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I
was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil
attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for
ever and ever. Amen”
And yes, Jesus was with him and strengthened him, but that didn’t change his need
for people to be with him. That’s why just below our passage, Paul repeats his
request:
SLIDE_____________________) 2 Timothy 4:21
“Do your best to come before winter.”
Paul had started the letter saying,
SLIDE____________________) 2 Timothy 1:4
“Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy.”
They were close friends, so much so that the last thing he remembers when they
split company was Timothy’s tears. Now, he needs his friend more than ever. So,
he says,
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SLIDE______________________) 2 Timothy 4:9
“Do your best to come to me quickly”
and
SLIDE______________________) 2 Timothy 4:21
“Do your best to come before winter.”
Timothy was at the time in Ephesus, about 1000 miles away from Rome, and long
journeys back then took a while. But Paul knew that Timothy would do whatever it
took to make it happen. As he says,
SLIDE______________________) 2 Timothy 4:13
“When you come, bring the cloak that I left with Carpus at Troas, and my
scrolls, especially the parchments.”
Timothy was a “when you come” kind of friend, not an “if you come” kind of
friend. Do you have friends like that? People who will drop everything to show up,
no matter how hard it is to show up? My brother is very sick and right now
unresponsive, and my sister in law, Becky is caring for him constantly. She is so
focused on him that she hasn’t been communicating with her friends who want to
be there for her, so one of them drove from San Antonio to Birmingham, without
letting Becky know, and just showed up at her door—basically saying, “I’m here,
and feel free to ignore me if you need to stay focused. But I’m here as long as you
need me to be here.” That’s a friend.
We all know how easy it is for friends to show up when times are good, but a true
friend is there when times are not good and being there is not easy.
Proverbs 17:17 says,
SLIDE___________________________) Proverbs 17:17
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."
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A genuine friend is in your corner when you're cornered. A real friend walks in
when everybody else walks out. A brother is born for adversity. Like one person
said, real friends are like toothpaste -- they come through in a tight squeeze, when
the pressure's on. How do you find that kind of friend? You don’t find them you
build them over time. That’s one of the main reasons getting in a small group is so
important. The first question I ask when I hear that a Chase Oaker is going through
some kind of tragic circumstance is, “Are they in a group?” I know if they are in a
group at Chase Oaks, that group is going to be there for that person. But when I
hear back, “No, they aren’t,” something inside me just sinks. We will do what we
can to be there, but it’s not the same as trusted friends. You need to take that step
to cultivate those kinds of friends.
But the best way to find that kind of a friend is to be that kind of a friend. That’s
what we are called to do, to be there for people when being there is hard. Paul does
share earlier in 2 Timothy about one more friend who showed up, after the grand
jury trial, but he showed up as soon as he could:
What did Onesiphorus do that meant so much to Paul? He showed up. It’s not like
Onesiphorus came and broke Paul out of prison and took him on a golf trip to
Pebble Beach. There is nothing Onesiphorus, or Timothy, or anyone else could do
to change Paul’s circumstances. Paul was in a Roman dungeon awaiting a trial that
would end up with him being executed. Paul wasn’t asking Timothy to solve
anything. He was asking him to show up.
It’s similar to another time in Paul’s life he talks about in 2 Corinthians:
SLIDE________________________) 2 Corinthians 7:5-6
“For when we came into Macedonia, we had no rest, but we were harassed at
every turn—conflicts on the outside, fears within. But God, who comforts the
downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus.”
How did God strengthen Paul so much? He didn’t change his circumstances. He
did however send Titus. And what did Titus do? He didn’t solve the problem,
because he couldn’t. But he did what he could do. He showed up. And that
showing up gave Paul the strength he needed to get through the circumstance.
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As I think back in life, I am so thankful for people who showed up like that. Years
ago, when Collin was in 3rd grade I think, he was at a church camp and got
seriously injured. He and his buddies had a bright idea to drag a picnic table
underneath a basketball hoop so that they could jump on the chair, then the table,
and do a slam dunk. Collin was the first to go, and it was great on the way up, but
he didn’t think too much about the way down. He landed on his head on the
concrete slab underneath the rim. So, I get a call from a hospital in remote East
Texas that said, “We are careflighting your son to Children’s Hospital in Dallas,
because we don’t have what we need to care for him here. All I can tell you right
now is that he fractured his skull, has a brain bleed, and swelling in the brain.” I
had a lot more questions, but they had no answers. Christy was teaching swim
lessons, and I got here out of the pool, and we rushed down to Children’s. That
wait for the care flight was so scary long. But I’ll never forget two people walking
in the waiting room and what that meant to us. Mike and Sharon Cornwall, who
were elders at the time and are still Chase Oakers, came and sat with us and prayed
with us. Did they fix anything? Of course not. They couldn’t do that. But they
could be there, and they chose to drop everything and do so. I can’t tell you how
strengthening that was. When Collin did arrive, all strapped on the immobilizer,
you know what his first words to me were? “Dad, I made the basket!” I was like,
“Oh, totally worth it then.” Gotta love that, and he did recover in time. But the
Cornwalls showed to us the power of just showing up.
As a pastor I’ve been in lots of situations with families that are hard, and
sometimes it is really awkward because I want to do more than just show up. It
does feel a little like hearing the baseball crowd shout, “Good eye!” when I didn’t
swing at a ball. I want to do more than just show up. I want to fix it. I want to make
it all better. I want to say the perfect thing that will take the sting away or the fear
away. That’s part of the awkwardness of showing up, right? You don’t know what
to do, you don’t know what to say, you wonder if you are just going to be in the
way. My experience has been that if you are a good friend and you wondering if
you should show up, you probably should. And when you do, don’t stress out too
much about what to say or what to do. Nobody expects you to say the perfect thing
or to solve and unsolvable problem. You show up, and do what you can. What can
you do? How about these 3 P’s: Presence, Prayer, Practical Help. You can’t
probably solve the problem, but you can be present. You can pray. And you can
offer practical help. Paul asks Timothy to bring his winter cloak, this thick wool
pancho kind of thing that people had for cold and wet weather, that Paul would
need in a cold dungeon as winter was approaching. He asks for his books too,
because he still had work to do. Don’t underestimate the importance of practical
help. Take care of the kids, bring meals, clean their house, do whatever you can do.
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And if you go and things are crazy and you are in the way, that’s okay. Slip out.
You still showed up, and you did what you could.
SLIDE_____________________________)
Presence
Prayer
Practical Help
The 3 P’s: Presence, Prayer, Practical Help. I’m kind of proud that! But more
important than coming up with the 3 p’s for a sermon is to go do them for a friend
who is in hard circumstances. The choice to be there when being there is hard is
not easy, but a beautiful choice—the kind of choice a true friend makes.
Let me encourage you to be that kind of friend. Do you have someone in your life
right now who is in a hard time, and you’ve been wondering what to do? Try the 3
P’s. Show up. It’s harder right now in a pandemic but get creative and figure it out.
Others of you might be in such a time, and you feel like Paul was feeling when he
writes to Timothy. He felt so alone. But let’s learn two things from Paul on that.
First, he reaches out to Timothy. He writes the letter and lets him know, “If you
can make it, I need you here.” He lets his friend know, doesn’t leave him guessing.
And second, he leans on the presence of God with him, as he said,
SLIDE________________________) 2 Timothy 4:17
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength…”
With what you are going through, God wants to be with you. If you haven’t begun
a relationship with him yet, he is not the hold up. He sent Jesus to make that
possible, to die on the cross to pay the just penalty of our sin so that we would not
have to. He came to make it possible for us to be reconciled to God and for him to
be with us and in us always. He is ready to come, but he leaves that up to us. We
can say yes or no to what he offers freely—a forever relationship with him. When
you say yes, he makes a promise, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” He will
be with us always, including our darkest times, and not just to be there but to
strengthen us and to comfort to help us get through what we are going through.
Maybe you already have a relationship with God, but you still feel so alone in your
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trial. Let’s go to God together and pray that God will fill you with a sense of his
presence, because you are not alone. You are never alone. He is with you, and he is
for you.
Let’s pray together.
he 3 P’s: Presence, Prayer, Practical Help are just the few ways you can be there for others. But more important than coming up with the 3 p’s for a sermon is to go do them for a friend who is in hard circumstances. The choice to be there when being there is hard is not easy, but a beautiful choice—the kind of choice a true friend makes.