How To Work With Complicated People
TRANSCRIPT:
A lot of places you could be this weekend but you decided to hang out with us I was driving to church this weekend and I
get an email from Jeff Jones and it says the subject line Ryan leak's best message ever and I thought to myself
who's preaching this weekend because I didn't know it was going to be that and then me and Jeff talked they said hey what's one of your favorite messages
that's one of your best messages that you've never given at Chase Oaks that you would love to and I was like oh man I've been working on this new book and I would love to share and then they sent
out that clickbait you fell for it now you're here so nevertheless got a message for you today based off of a book of mine that I've written it comes
out in March but you can pre-order it right now it's called how to work with complicated people now strategies for
Effective collaboration with nearly anyone emphasis on the word nearly because some people are certified crazy and can't work with everybody
nevertheless uh one of the things that the Lord called me to do a long time ago was to write books that Christians actually could share with their friends
Chapter 2: How To Work With Complicated People
at work that aren't technically Christian books but they are books that are birth in Christian values and based
off of things that I've learned in the Bible and so you're actually going to just so you know this came in the mail this weekend so you're the first people
to ever even see this okay so this is this is real special so I'm giving you a sneak peek into some of that content except you get the real Bible biblical
strategies that I've learned on how to work with complicated people now here's what's interesting we did a national research study across Working America to
figure out man how are people navigating the complexities of their workplace and one of the questions we asked was we said hey here's the deal um
we're not going to tell you our definition of complicated we want you to tell us your definition of complicated because what we have learned is that
complicated is often in the eye of the beholder in other words there is somebody in your life that you have deemed complicated that I would think is
very simple and there's people in my life that I've deemed complicated that you would go they're easy to get along with and so it can be somewhat objective
right and so we said hey why don't you give us your definition of complicated here's what one person wrote guy named Nate I said listen I don't think you
understand the question okay another person wrote this lady I work with named Leslie I said hold on now what did n
Leslie do and then another person wrote uh cantankerous I didn't even know that was a word I learned it in the study uh
mcav Alan numb skull another person just wrote they're really dumb I'm like people are really going through it now
here's what I realize about you and me is perhaps we work live with married a Leslie or a Nate by the way if your name
is actually Leslie or Nate I ain't got nothing against you but somebody does okay I don't know who it is but somebody
does but the reality is most people's go-to strategy when it comes to complicated people in their life is to Simply steer away from them they just
try and ignore them but here's what we learned in our research complicated people are unavoidable okay because some people think oh I'm just going to quit
this job and get rid of these people and then they go to a new job and guess what they find there more complicated people
you cannot get away from complicated people you have to learn to work with them live with them dare I say love them
cuz complicated people they're at the carpool pickup line these people are crazy it's complicated there are you sporting
events trust me it gets complicated real fast me and my son we're at a national tournament this summer and a mom got so
upset I have video of this and I would show you the video but she could go to Chase Oaks and I don't want to embarrass you wherever you are nevertheless a mom
got so mad at a game she ran across the court and began to try and attack our coach with a poodle in her
hand and our coach just straight gangster he goes you ain't tough you got a poodle in your hand what gangster has a poodle I went this is insane
it's complicated I I don't know if you're parent but parenting complicated our child he's 5
years old he ran away the other day he just walked up the house I caught him four houses down like where are you going he's like I I was just going for a walk I'm like you can't just leave our
house whenever you want and I wanted to cuss him out but I got Chase oers in the neighborhood and it's complicated it's like I I'm like he's fine nothing going on here come on
Roman get inside are you out of your mind and so like and I heard the older they get the more complicated they become it's
complicated dating I've heard is complicated somebody going through it
over there complicated I heard it's complicated online I heard it's complicated offline
it's just different it's complicated um marriage certified complicated
uh we've been married almost 12 years in June it took me about 10 years to really lock in on our communication and to help
my wife believe that I am indeed listening to her because uh the first decade uh being the Christlike
husband that I try to be every day I try to serve my wife as best as I possibly can and if I'm running errands hey Bae can I pick up a coffee for you whatever
and inevitably while I would pick up the coffee I would get the order wrong because I'm a multitasker I'm looking at sports I'm on the phone I'm doing all
kinds of stuff I'm writing books like mid order and so I would always bring this wrong order home and so it became a tension in our marriage and so I just
figured out I needed a system I needed a foolproof system to get her order right I said hey Bae don't tell me your order
text it to me then I can read the order out loud and then if it's wrong it's the barista's fault it's not me okay so now we figured out a plan and so I'll never
forget she t text me her order I'm feeling great about this I'm like I'm about to get a w with my wife okay I get in the Starbucks drive-thru and I read
her order out loud smile on my face and then the Barista says something that struck fear into my soul she says sir
would you like that drink hot or cold I said it can be hot or cold what it's not in the
text it's not here you don't understand I am in a life or death situation I have you seen like a little Puerto Rican woman come in here and order a drink all
the time do you know if it's hot or if it's cold cuz I don't know and people are honking at me behind me I called her she want to jump in the shower perfect
timing and so I panicked and so they said sir hot or cold I said let me
get both I'm a veteran now okay I ain't got time for it let me get both now Dave Ramsey might look at our
coffee budget and go this is a little high I would say hey Dave is complicated okay
um divorce complicated um half of every single
person watching today's message half of every single person in this room has had a front row seat to
complicated in fact unfortunately my wife's father cheated on her mother when she was a child and they got divorced
and the way my wife's brother tells a story is so powerful he says my dad did not cheat on my mother
my dad cheated on us it's complicated you see what I I'm
learning about the world around me is that every single person shows up to their job they show up to their home they show up to their Church they show
up to a gymnasium they show up to their classroom with a lot of complicated and sometimes we are judging
other people for outside Behavior having no idea what's going on on the inside and so my hope and my prayer today is
that we would learn through biblical strategies to be the kinds of people that move slow enough to move towards
people we would rather ignore why because I think that's what we would want someone to do for us if they really knew what was going on with
us so the first thing that I think is vitally important if we are going to work with complicated people is number one we have to realize our own
complications we have to realize our own complications I I know there might be a
Temptation that uh today's message you go man there might be somebody in your mind every time I tell somebody I'm working on a book called How to work
Chapter 3: We All Fall Short
with complicated people I see a person run through their brain and they go I need that book but I've yet to hear the person say
somebody needs this book for me I love what Romans 3:23 says it says for everyone
has sinned we all fall short of God's glorious standard let's all say that together say we all fall short don't you
wish it said they all oh wouldn't that be fun like it wouldn't it be great if it likey I found a verse about you today it says you fall
short of Glory like I wish you would get it together like we can have this idea that everyone else is getting the better end of the deal whoever is dating us whoever is following us like
whoever is married to us whoever is being parented by us like they're the ones getting a good deal they've got the better end of the
stick it's just that would be a false story like wouldn't it be awesome if we could go to like I don't know perfect
9:469 minutes, 46 secondspeople.com and find those people to work with and date and parent we could adopt children straight off of that website the only problem is we wouldn't be on
the website nobody would and so what would it look like for us to be the kinds of people that look in the mirror before
pointing a finger let me go first hi my name is Ryan Lee and I'm complicated I have what my friends and family call
frugality what that means is I will spare no expense for some things and I am insanely cheap on other things I'm the kind of selector guy that will stay at a
five-star Resort but will go to Walmart and get bottles of water for the room because I ain't paying $9 a bottle in this room I ain't got time for it today
now my wife is embarrassed as I'm walking through with Walmart bags through a festar resort she's like why did we come how do you think we got here
okay like we say like there's a reason we can be here okay like like but again it's selective frugality I'm
complicated uh I am a uh I have What's called joomo the joy of missing out I don't have fomo okay I have joomo I am so
happy for you I'm going to bed at 9:00 you want to go out at 10: enjoy yourself I am so happy for you I am introverted
with an extroverted career what is does that mean it means I love having people over to my house for one hour after that
you got to go you got to go it was great to have you it's time for you to go okay I ain't got time for the lingering we ate we had a great conversation that's
great your time is up it's I I'll just start cleaning while people hey y'all good let me get up under your feet I'm just sending signals it's time to wrap
this thing up we got places to be actually you got places to be I'm trying to go to sleep okay like some people think I'm rude I'm like I'm not rude I'm
complicated I went first your turn could it be that on the other side
of us there is some complexity because what I know about you and what I know about me is every single one of us has a
space a preference a personality that may not Vibe well with someone else I know there might be
somebody in your mind that you think has the gift of getting on your last nerves but it's is it possible that we're doing the same thing to somebody
else in our study of working America we discovered that when we asked them the question about how many complicated
people do they work with the average working American said three to five so the average working American's going there's about three to five people in my
job that are a little complicated okay that's great then we ask the question how complicated do you think you are 74%
of working Americans think they are less complicated than average in other words this is what most of us are doing we're walking into our job and going I can't believe I got to deal with all these
complicated people thank God I'm not one of them it's like what here if you want to get better
at working with complicated people and living with complicated people and being married to a complicated person get in the boat with them and go you know
what maybe I'm not the easiest to deal with maybe I think I'm inspiring when I could be
intimidating maybe I think I'm empowering but I'm actually a micromanager uh may maybe I think I'm
super clear but I actually I might be a little bit vague just because you said it doesn't mean they heard it that I just I actually just want to be
13:1313 minutes, 13 secondsconsiderate of of my own complications I just love what Colossians 3:12 says it says since God
chose you to be the holy people he loves you must clothe yourselves with tender-hearted mercy and kindness and humility and gentleness and patience and
and then verse 13 says make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you remember the Lord
forgave you so you must forgive others The New International Version says bear with one another what
Chapter 4: Make Allowance
does that mean it means really you again okay yeah do that that's what we want you we want you to
bear with one another why because that's what God has done with us instead he doesn't go you again he
and again when I was growing up I used to hear that we serve a god of second chances I think it's way more than
second don't you it's more like the god of the two millionth chance you know what I mean
it's like it's infinite it it just it never runs out his mercies are new every single morning for you and
into our relationships with the people we deem most complicated it says make allowance
think about that word allowance perhaps you've used to get those remember when that was nice somebody would just give that to you for taking out the trash now you just take out the trash and you get
nothing and so but an allowance it's a what is it it's a specific amount I'm going to give you a specific amount and once you
run out you run out but you're going to get it every week I'm going to I'm going to give you an allowance imagine if we did that emotionally and relationally
with the people in our life where we said hey um this week I'm going to give you an allowance an allowance and in in an
allowance specifically for your faults make allowance for other people's faults in other words you're going to walk into your job you're going to walk into your
to your homes you're going to walk into Thanksgiving you're going to walk in with your in-laws you're going to walk into the gym you're going to walk into the classroom and you're going to go hey I realize that you have some
faults and I ought to leave some allowance in my back pocket for them you're going to say something infer something you're going to have some body language you're going to do something
that might offend me you might steal a sale from me you might make a smart remark at me or you may not compliment me the way that I think you should you might not tell me that I'm beautiful
like you might make me feel some type of way but guess what I'm actually going to make an a allow for you what does that mean it
means I'm going to give you a break before you need one I've already decided I'm going to give you a break because uh here here's
what happens anytime we're having a conversation with somebody in it's tent and you find out they're behind the scenes you go oh my bad I didn't know I
had a long day assume that they're going to have one uh I had a friend tell me once he said I was asking him about another coworker I said hey how's
everything going with Greg he said they're dead to me I said dead they died how they died what happened dead to me oh my goodness this such a
strong language what did this man do to Merit this emotional funeral you just gave them but here's what's interesting uh it gives us interesting
math when we cancel other people they hurt me let me just get rid of you and to stay away from you you're dead to me but if I hurt someone
else our natural inclination is well give me a break come on man you didn't know what I was going through during
that time I had covid I was sick I lost somebody I lost a job I lost a friend I lost a house I was going through a
divorce I found out that my who I thought was my best friend actually wasn't I found that that they cheated on me I like did you know what was going on with my life and when we find out
somebody's behind the scenes we go oh my bad and we let them off the hook here's what I'm going encourage you to do assume that they have a complicated
behind the scenes and just give them the break early don't wait and the reason I know that they have a complicated behind the
scenes is because you do and so give them the break that you wish someone was giving to you give them the
allowance for their faults let me ask you this um do people in your life have an allowance with
you does your spouse have an allowance with you or are they always on strike too are your
kids do they have an allowance with you Do Your Leader does your colleague does your neighbor does your coach does your
teacher do those parents that have all these crazy requests for you do they have an allowance with you it's like why would
we give them that we shouldn't they don't deserve it but that's kind of the point that's the point of God's grace you didn't deserve
it Christians are a group of people that simply give away what they didn't deserve to people that don't deserve
it that is the point of God's Amazing Grace so if we want to get better at dealing with complicated people we have
to actually accept the fact that we are one of those people in other words I'm not teaching you how to deal with
complicated people I'm teaching you how to deal with you and if you learn how to deal with you you'd be surprised how you treat other people the second thing I think is
Chapter 5: Take Control
vitally important for us to deal and work with complicated people is never let their behavior dictate ours we
cannot let somebody else Behavior dictate ours and sometimes when dealing and working with complicated people you and I find ourselves in a
position where we are letting their behavior dictate ours but what I want to give you the power to do today is to
take control of your life and take control of your relationships it doesn't mean you're controlling it means you're intentional it means you're the one that's going to say I'm going to set the
temperature of this relationship and there might be some things that we disagree on but I can disagree with you without disrespecting you and so yes I I
can control that by the tone in which I speak to another human being because that's I'm in control I'm not going to let your behavior dictate mine I love
what we see in Acts 8 verse one it says and Saul approved of his execution who's his this a guy named
stevenh is one of the first people to be killed for his faith in Jesus Christ and Saul just so happens to be the same guy that wrote two-thirds of the New
Testament is sitting there approving it he's approved of this execution he has struck fear inside of Christians in this
region and it says this it says and there arose on that day a great persecution against the church in
Jerusalem and so what they do well they all they were all scattered throughout the regions of Judea and Samaria they all took off
running but then the scripture gives us three words three very powerful words it says except the apostles everybody's on the
Run except the apostles there's a lot of reasons to have fear but except the apostles the apostles are
going y'all should run but we are in exception why well because this guy asked us to follow him and nobody picked
us but he did for some odd reason he shouldn't have half we didn't even know what he's talking about half the time we were just as confused as everybody else but nevertheless we follow this guy around and guess what he kept telling us
that he was going to die and be buried and come back to life and then he pulled it off and took us to breakfast we've never seen anything like this in our
life and so guess what we ain't going nowhere because we know real power we'll
be all right everyone's running that way but the Apostle said we're not going
to let them and we're not going to let a government we're not going to let Saul at the time we're not going to let where
the herd is going dictate who God has called us to be another example that we see in the Old Testament 1st Samuel 30:9
you may if you are a Christ follower and and you follow the life of David you may have heard of a moment in David's life where the scripture says and David
encouraged himself in the Lord and David encouraged himself in the Lord the reason he had to do that was because the amyes actually took captive his family
in all of their stuff in a whole village and so David was sad and then the scripture says then David encouraged himself in the Lord and once he
encouraged himself in the Lord he said boy strap up let's go we're going to go get our families back and we're going to get our stuff back and then 1st Samuel 9 says David and 600 men with him came to the basor valley where some stayed
behind 200 of them were too exhausted to cross the valley but David
and the other 400 continued their Pursuit 200 of the men went I'm tired of
fighting I'm tired of being on the run we're just too to exhausted David and the remaining 400
said let's keep going in verse 17 it says David fought them from dusk until the evening of the next day and none of them got away
except 400 young men who rode off on camels and fled David recovered everything the amyes had taken including his two wives they've been fighting all
night long we got our stuff back and then verse 21 says then David
came to the 200 men who had been too exhausted to follow him and who were left behind at the bizor valley they came out to meet David and the men with
him and David as David and his men approached he asked them how they were they sitting they sitting by the
Brook chilling they we just fought all night David walks up and says how are you doing and this indign the people with
him it says but all the evil men and troublemakers among David's followers said because they did not go out with us we will not share with them the plunder
we recovered however each man may take his wife and children and go but they not getting our stuff and then David
has given us what do you think you
Chapter 6: God is Fair
own you think we won the battle because you're awesome you did it he goes on to say it was God who protected us oh yeah
it was God who delivered into our hands the raiding party that came against us who will listen to what you say the share of the man who stayed with the
supplies is to be the same of that of him who went down the battle all will share aike David made this a statute and
ordinance for Israel from that day to this it's like David that's not fair you got all of these men who worked really hard for something and like
you're giving it to some people that were too weak we were strong when they were weak we deserve
more this is not fair David but what about the gospel is fair a
perfect man was crucified for us there's nothing about this that is
fair because it's so unfair for Jesus Christians are not this elitist
group of people that think they're just better than everybody else Christians are a group of people that think we're just going to treat people like somebody
died for us it's not fair I know but what about the gopel El is
fair I want to encourage you to be one of those people this weekend that doesn't let where they where they work
determine how they work don't let where you live determine how you
live some of us are we feel like we're products of environments you don't have to you don't have to be that way I just want you to know today that you got
choices you got an opportunity to be a different kind of person that does doesn't let other people's behavior
dictate your behavior I I recently had a friend he came to me he said hey Ronan can I talk to you for a second I said I'm introvert so you got about five minutes so hurry it up what you need
what's going on he said hey man uh I really want to talk to you I said man talk to me tell me what what's happening he said man we we're having this
conversation in Frisco and he says man I don't know how to tell you this but I got this friend I don't know what to do with him I said well what did he do he said man I just found out that this
friend he's he he's a republican I said
in Texas how did that happen he's like so what do I do I'm like well what are our options he goes man I guess I could cut them off I went
you going to need a lot of scissors bro you going to need like you're going to have to get rid of like so many people in your life like it's crazy same thing happened I was talking to a friend
in California he goes dude I found out a Democrat goes to my church I'm like you did and what did you do when you saw this person did they did they try to
punch you did they like what it's like what should we do with these people I don't know what did you do in 2023 before you
knew you just like I don't know love them crazy concept you ask them how they were doing you were and why am I
bringing this up and in what can be an awkward election season is yes I think we all should vote and I think our vote has a lot of power but it should not
have enough power to change somebody else's Behavior you should not let somebody else's vote turn you into a
person you wouldn't even want to be friends with you shouldn't have that much problem power so what would it look like for you to be the kind of person that
says man I I know I live in America and I love the place God has but I can't let where I live determine how I live and I
might work at a in a job environment that's got a lot going on it might be a toxic environment but that does not mean you have to be a toxic person you do not have to let somebody else's Behavior
dictate yours I was out to eat with my siblings in Chicago and we were at a nice restaurant and we began to have a conversation about tip culture cuz tip
culture is getting out of hand you know what I'm say saying you could be at Starbucks and they're like hey could you answer this question you know what the question is don't act all surprise
it's a tip question you could pick up a water at a gas station they're like tip I'm like you did nothing but what am I supposed to do here and so we were having this tip conversation and
like everyone was going around the table and kind of sharing their philosophy on how they think tipping should be
and I'm not going to throw my sister under the bus and put her name out there because she might be watching this right now hey Lana nevertheless um
and and my sister began sharing her tip philosophy and she gave her number and I don't want to put her
number out there you know it was like 10 15% I was like oh my goodness um and she began to share a number
and she goes well Ryan what what's your number like what do you what do how do you like to tip people I go well you know my wife and I we try to
do you know 30 to 40% she goes what I said Lana I said her name again my bad
listen I said to this random person I said to my
sister I I said hey sis here's the deal like in light of the family we want to be in the impact we want to make in the
Chapter 7: Gods Perspective
world we've just decided that generosity is going to be one of our top values in our home this is how we want our kids to
behave we in our house we're givers and then she asked a question she said well what if it's bad
service I said then the tip's even better because our tip is not an
indication of their character our tip is an indication of ours and the kind of
people that we want to be I refuse to let a stranger dictate the kind of person that I know God has called me to
be I don't know if you guys some baby mama drama headed to your house over the holidays and you might be in a very
dramatic family I just want to let you know you don't have to be in the make allowance for this family I'm G to make allowance for the people in my life the third thing I think is vitally
important for us to work with complicated people people is number three look for God's perspective on them there's a story in the book of Acts
between a guy named Peter and Cornelius they're on opposite ends of any kind of spectrum you can think
of in Acts 10 vers1 says at cesaria there was a man named Cornelius a centurion of what was known as the Italian cohort a Roman military officer
a devout man who feared God with all his household gave arms generously to people and pray continually to God this is a good man he's trying to make a difference in his
community but he's not Jewish and for Peter that's a deal breaker about the ninth hour of the day he saw clearly in
a vision an angel of God come in and say to him Cornelius and he stared at him in Terror and you would too if a giant Angel
rolled up into your master bedroom um and he said what is it Lord and he said to him your prayers and
your arms have ascended as a memorial before God and now send men to japa and bring one Simon who was called Peter right away that with does Angel is
asking Cornelius to do he's like I don't think he's come but scripture says verse 9 the next day as they were on their journey and
approaching the city Peter went up on the housetop about the six hour to pray and he became hungry you ever been trying to pray and you and you got hungry so he's like man let me get a
snack real quick that's what happened so he wanted something to eat but while they were preparing he fell into a trance and saw the heavens opened and
something like a great sheep descending being let down by its Four Corners upon the Earth in it were all kinds of animals and reptiles and birds of the
air and there came a voice to him rise Peter kill and eat but Peter said by no
means Lord for I've never eaten anything that is common or unclean I want you to
notice the two men's different responses Cornelius said what is it Lord Peter said by no means Lord you
ever told God no you know what I mean it's like God you got the wrong guy I like I like your stuff but that's not for me
and then acts 10:15 it says ' and the voice came to him a second time God's like hey Peter it's me
again I'm trying to get your attention what God has made clean do not call common this happened three times sometimes we're those kinds of people
that make God put in extra work to get our attention and while Peter was pondering the vision verse 19 the spirit said to
him behold three men are looking for you rise and go down and accompany them without hesitation for I have sent them he goes to
cornelius's house and Peter as he talked with him verse 27 he went in and found many persons gathered and he said to them you
yourselves know how unlawful it is for a Jew to associate with or to visit anyone of another Nation
but God has shown me that I should not call any person common or unclean if you remember in verse 14 it
says by no means Lord for I I've never eaten anything that is common or unclean but just 14 verses later he says but God
has shown me that I should not call any person common or unclean anything became any
person in prayer you have a complicated person in your life somewhere in your world maybe
online maybe offline I'm just going to ask you to pray about seeing them a little bit
different I'm going to encourage you to try and look for God's perspective on the person that is making your life a little bit more
complicated if you're married today one of the most powerful things you can do is to say
Lord how do you see this person that you've given me if you've been blessed with children one of the best things that we can do is
say Lord could you give me your perspective on these children adult children maybe even a child that isn't
on speaking terms with you right now you may not be on speaking terms with your parents I just can only imagine what it
would look like for you to say dear God how do you see my parents how do you
see my mom how do you see my dad how do you see the people in my life
that perhaps I've deemed complicated and in that moment I can only imagine
what God will do in your heart let me say it this way I can only imagine what God will do with your eyes you
just see them different because what I know about every single person under the sound of my voice today is we all got to
complicated behind the scenes and I have to imagine what it would look like for us to look upon the
people in our life with a little bit more grace in our hearts and in our eyes so in summary number one if we're
going to work with complicated people we got to get in the boat with them we have to realize our own complications hi my
name is Ryan Lee and I'm complicated don't forget it's your turn number two never let their behavior
dictate ours you've got some people in your life that can get up under your skin you could get up under their skin but you don't ever want to do the eye for the
eye thing you're better than that so be better than that be the kind of person that says I'm going to set the tone at
family dinner I'm going to set the tone at our job I know there's some things going on here that I don't think are right but I I can learn to disagree
without disrespect and I can be one of those Catalyst people that say you know what I'm going to speak with I'm going to actually treat people like somebody died for me because they did
his name is Jesus and lastly we're going to look for God's perspective on the people that can drive us the most
crazy and we can only pray that they're doing the same thing for us that's how I think we can work with complicated
people God I thank you so much for this amazing church I pray Lord that you would indeed help us see people through
your eyes I pray God that you would help us move towards people that we would typically steer away from help us to do
the tough thing help us to do the Jesus thing in Jesus precious name I pray everybody said
amen you go ahead and stand at your feet
