Mean People-And What to Do About Them
- Andy Stanley
- Sep 18, 2021
- 21 min read
Mean People and What to Do about Them
Andy Stanley
Now as some of you know, today we are in part two of a series entitled "Mean People", and
specifically "what to do about them". Mean people and what to do about them. And just so you
know, I realize that you have been mean, perhaps somebody is gonna hear or watch this message, I
hope not and you'll come to mind. I hope that's not the case. We've all had seasons in our lives
when we've been the mean people. And mostly when we get together and open the scripture
together and worship together, we're talking about how to live a life in such a way that we're not the
mean people.
So we usually focus on how to become better people but in this series, we're talking specifically
about how to respond to or what to do about the mean people in our lives. Not just the folks who bug
us, we all have people who bug us. Specifically, these are the mean people. These are the people
who are deceptive, they're controlling, they're just unkind, they're unpredictable, they're manipulative.
To be specific, I'm not talking about somebody who's physically or sexually abusive. That's different,
that's illegal. This is just the mean people. And it's important to talk about this. And it's important to
think through how we're gonna respond, because if we don't have a plan, if we're not prepared, if
we're not proactive, well you know what happens. What happens to the mean people in our lives, the
mean people in our lives, they actually gain a measure of control over our lives. And before we know
it, we are being mean right back even if we don't mean to.
In fact, it's almost as if we have no choice, because, and you know this, mean can make you mean,
because mean people keep us off balance. And if somebody walks up to you and pushes you and
you're off balance, what do you do? Well, you have no choice. But to compensate when we're off
balance, we're forced to compensate. So when you're around these people, you always feel a little bit
off balance. In fact, when you're around these people, other people who know you might even say to
you. You know, when you're around him, when you're with her, I noticed when you're together, you're
not the same person you are everywhere else. You seem to become a different person, it's because
that person has kind of thrown you off balance. And obviously or it seems intuitively, our only choice
is to respond and like kind.
I told you the first part of the story last week, we have an 80 year old friend Sandra and I do name
Alice. And Alice, Sandra became her legal power, financial power of attorney because we needed to
move Alice out of her home into assisted living. And Sandra went to jump through all the hoops to
become legal power of attorney. And we eventually got Alice moved but during that process, Alice
had invited a friend to move in with her who had fallen on hard times. This guy's in his late 60s, living
out of his car and out of the goodness of her heart. she said, well you can stay with me a few
months until you kind of get yourself together. And we were warned that if he moved in, we would
have a hard time getting him out. But when I met this guy, his name is Roger. He seemed like such a
nice guy and he was actually helpful with Alice and helpful with the garage sale. So we eventually get
her house cleaned out.
Some of you heard this story last time, get her house cleaned out. We put the house on the market
but he won't move out. And we gave him a deadline, he won't move out. We're showing the house a
real estate agent, showing the house. There's nothing in the house now except Roger's air mattress,
some clothes and his computer. It's a lovely home just don't look in there at the guy camping out in
the house, he'll be gone. So we're trying to show the house, sell the house so she can get her money.
She was living off a pension, social security and there was a little bit of a gap in terms of her monthly
expenses with the assisted living. So we really, really wanted to sell her house, put her equity in the
bank and she'd be good to go. But Roger wouldn't move out. And what was our response? Well, our
response was pretty much what probably your response would be. We sat around, coming up with
mean manipulative ways to get Roger out of Alice's house because that's just what you do. And after
a while we realized, we're becoming like Roger, we're thinking like mean people.
In fact he was so in our heads, it was like he was living with us in our home. It was all we talked
about. He became the focus of our attention. I'd come home every day, what's the latest with
Rogers? We got closer and closer and closer. This closing and we were so worried he was gonna
undermine the closing. In fact as I shared last time, he actually tried to do it. The point being, it's
difficult not to be mean to mean people. It's difficult not to be unkind to people who've been unkind
as it's difficult to be sensitive to insensitive people. And again, the golden rule is like right out the
window, isn't it? When it comes to mean people, now it's the iron rule. It's the do unto others as they
have done unto you or as they are doing unto you or even worse, right?
But of course, and we talked about this: the problem with getting back at the mean people or the
problem with trying to get even with mean people is that it actually makes things worse. Because the
problem with getting even is that it makes us even with someone we don't really even like. It makes
us like someone that we actually dislike. So the question we're asking in this series and we began
unpacking the answer last time is what do we do? I mean, you can't just ignore these people, that
actually empowers them and eventually you're gonna break, right? Eventually you're gonna break,
you're gonna act like them or worse, which actually gives them more power over you. In fact, we
have all been there. Some of our greatest regrets perhaps or how we responded or how we reacted
to the people who threw us off balance, the mean people in our lives.
So there's actually a third option. You don't have to ignore them, you don't have to become like them.
There's a third option that actually takes away some of their power. I meant it actually positions us
to keep our frustration from overflowing into other relationships around us. Maybe you grew up in a
family where your mom was angry, your father was angry and as you got older, you realized they're
not really angry with me, they're angry with their father, their mother. They're angry with somebody
else, they're angry with life but their anger just overflowed and how they parented. And this third
option protects us from falling into that trap as well.
Jesus taught it of course, and Jesus modeled it. In fact, he was the ultimate model but Abigail
modeled it as well. And Abigail is a character in the old Testament that many people don't know
about and she's part of, sort of the backstory of the story of David. Most of us are familiar with king
David if you grew up in church. Maybe you know the story of shepherd boy, David. But this story
takes place in the season of his life where he is fugitive David. When he was a teenager as most of
us know, he marched down into the valley of Elah. He killed Goliath with a Slingshot. In that moment,
he became a national hero. So king Saul the king of Israel brought him in close, actually made him
part of his family because he was a national hero and he was a leader and he had influence. King
Saul was smart enough to know, you keep your enemies, You keep your friends close and you keep
your enemies close as well.
And David, he realized was a bit of a threat to his power and his influence in Israel. And then, he gets
word that a rogue Prophet had actually gone to David's house when he was a little boy and anointed
him as the next king of Israel. And if you are the current king, of course that's a problem because you
want your son to become the next king. So now David is a threat to Saul's dynasty. So he tries to kill
David, he eventually banishes him. David becomes a fugitive, he gathers other fugitives around him.
Before long, he's got about 600 men. Their wives, their girlfriends, you know. Their kids kind of
traipsing along behind him. He's got a small army but he's a fugitive from the law and he's angry and
he's angry with king Saul and he's angry with the circumstances. But he can't get to Saul, so he just
kind of carries the seething anger every where he goes. And that's what brings us to the story and
this is where we meet Abigail.
So I'm gonna catch you up a little bit with the story and then we'll continue from there. Here's how
the story begins. 1 Samuel 25. Samuel was essentially David's biographer. A certain man in Maon,
who had property there in Carmel, was very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand
sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel and his name was Nabal. Now during sheep shearing
season, men and families who had a lot of sheep discovered just how much wealthier they had
become. This was like payday, this is an annual financial report. His name was Nabal and his wife's
name was Abigail. And she was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband was harsh and
mean. There's our word, in his dealings.
So David and his men hear about the fact that Nabal is having sheep shearing in Carmel and
realizes, Nabal's about to become even wealthier. So David sends 10 of his men to Carmel to meet
with Nabal to say. Hey, would you be willing to share some of your wealth and some of your extra
wealth, some of your extra with me and my men. And why would David feel like he could make that
request? Well that's what the message to Nabal, the message from Davids meant to Nabal explains
that, here's what they said. They said Nabal, When your shepherds were with us out in the fields for
months and months and months. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them. And
the whole time they were at Carmel, nothing of theirs was missing. In other words, our men could
have taken whatever they wanted to take. We could have taken women, we could have taken sheep,
we could have mistreated your shepherds but instead, you can talk to them. Nothing went missing.
In other words, your profit is due in part to our protection.
So this seemed kind of reasonable. Hey, would you share with us your profits because you know,
your profits are due in part to our protection. Nabal's response, he was rude. He said this who to
David's messengers. Who is this David? Now he knew who he was. Who is this David? Who is this
son of Jesse? Who's broken away from the king. He's just abandoned, he's a fugitive, he's a nobody,
he's an outlaw. I did not ask for his help, I didn't need his help and I don't owe him anything. And you
can go back and tell him that. So David's men they've turned around and they went back. When they
arrived, they reported every word. And if you were with us last time, you'll remember David's
response. David said to his men, "Each of you strap on your sword". So they did and David strapped
his arm as well. And about four hundred men, about four hundred men went up with David. They
were headed out of the mountains to caramel.
Now this four hundred men, this was an overreaction as we said of ethic proportion. This was going
to be a massacre. And as he rides along, he does what many of us have done many, many times. As
he rides along, he kind of builds up a head of steam. He begins justifying to himself what he wasn't
100% sure he should be doing. It's been useless, he mutters to himself. It's been useless, all my
watch over this fellow's property in the wilderness so that nothing of his missing. And what has he
done? How has he responded to me? He has paid me back evil for good. And then God, you know.
David evokes God's name and invite God into the equation. May God deal with me, he says. "May
God deal with me, may God deal with David Be it ever so severely if by morning I leave alive one male
of all who belong to him". I'm gonna kill his servants, his friends, his sons and then I'm gonna kill him.
Now again, you read this through and you're like, okay. So David, he didn't share with you. Is this
what you do? Well, if we know anything or if you know anything about David's history, this is what he
did. So he's riding along, he's hurt, he's angry. He's powering up, It's gonna be evil for evil. He's really
channeling, I think his frustration with king Saul but king Saul is untouchable. But he's found
somebody he can take his anger out on. And that's pretty much where we left off last time with the
story. So, we'll continue from there. Meanwhile back in Carmel, here's what happened. One of the
servants, Nebal's servants told Abigail, Nabal's wife. "David sent messengers". You weren't here, we
find out later. You weren't here but let me tell you what happened. "David sent messengers from the
wilderness To give our master his greetings But our master hurled insults at them".
Yet Abigail, these men. David's men. These men were so good to us, they did not mistreat us the
whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing went missing night and day. Night and day
they were like a wall around us. They protected us the whole time we were herding our sheep near
them. And then she says, Abigail think it over. I want you to think it over and see what you can do
because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He and then I think she
leans in. She doesn't say this very loud. She whispers in Abigail's ear. He is such a wicked man.
He's such a wicked man that nobody, nobody can talk to him. So Abigail acted quickly. And here's
what she does, it's kind of interesting. She assembles a caravan of food donkeys.
If you're familiar with food trucks, Okay. Food donkeys, the caravan of food donkey. She gets all
these donkeys, ties them together and then she loads them up with food. Food donkeys, there were
hundreds of loaves of bread, figs, cakes, wine. She just loads them up, she knows she has about 400
male mouth to feed. Then she told her servant, this was so smart. She said to her servants, you go
on ahead. You head out toward the plain, I'll follow you. But she did not tell her husband Nabal what
she was up to. Meanwhile, coming down out of the mountains here comes David and his 400 men
armed for battle. And he's just mumbling to himself, building up this head of steam. Justifying,
building up justification for what he's about to do. And as he comes out of this ravine, the text tells.
As he comes out of this ravine onto this big wide open plane.
And what does he see? A caravan of food donkeys and in the front is this beautiful woman. And it
totally messes up his mood. You've ever had that happen. Like you've got your speech perfectly
planned and you've kind of built up a head of steam and you're gonna go home or you're gonna go
walk down the office to the other office. You've got it all worked out. And then somebody apologizes
or somebody does something so nice for you. It's like, I was so mad. I was perfectly mad, I was
perfectly mad to deliver this message. So here comes David. I mean he's spent all this time, he's got
these guys. And here's the food caravan, ruins his mood. I mean, you just can't mad with that going
on. So here's what the text says. "When Abigail saw David, She quickly got off her donkey And she
bow down before David With her face to the ground". And this is so powerful. She begins to speak to
David. She begins to speak to David as if he is already the man that she hopes he will become.
Now ladies, you should take note of this. This will work on us even when we know what you're up to.
It just works, you know. Honey, you are so patient with the kids. I am? Yes you are so, it's like a Jedi
mind trick. You are so patient with our son and with our daughter. Honey, you are such a good
planner. I can't wait to see what you've planned for my birthday. You're such, such a good planner.
It's like, I am? Anyway here's what she does, it's so powerful. She fell at his feet and she said, Pardon
your servant my lord and let me speak to you. In other words, just give me a minute. And please hear
what your servant has to say. Please, she says. Pay no attention to my husband, my Lord. That
wicked man Nabal, he is just like his name. His name means fool, and folly goes with him. So you're
not wrong about my husband, okay.
And as for me, your servant. I wasn't there when your 10 men showed up and made the request. If I'd
been there, I may have been able to influence my husband. I wasn't there. This wasn't my fault.
Referring to the 10 men that David had sent ahead of time. Then here she goes, this is so powerful.
Here's what she says. And now my Lord, as surely as the lord your God lives and as you live, since
the Lord has kept you from bloodshed, since the lord has kept you from avenging yourself with your
own hands. And David's like, he did? she's like, yes he did. In other words, David, you're not the type
of person that would avenge yourself on a defenseless person. Are you? I guess I'm not. And then
she gives him credit again for being even better than he was about to be. She continues. And let this
gift, which your servant has brought to my Lord, be given to the men who follow you.
Again, this just completely ruined his plans. I mean, how do you justify slaughter and pillage when
somebody is bringing you what you were gonna steal. The Lord your God. The Lord your God will
certainly make a lasting dynasty for my Lord because you fight the Lord's battles. He's like, I do?
Yes, you do. You fight the Lord's battles. You don't have to fight your own battles David. And no
wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live. It won't? No, it won't. Even though, and then
she refers to king Saul 'cause everybody knew the story, everybody knew the background of why
David was a fugitive. Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my Lord will
be... She uses some interesting Hebrew imagery. The life of my Lord will be bound securely in the
bundle of the living by the Lord your God, which is like what here's... Here's basically what she's
saying. Even though someone is trying to steal your life, your life is tucked away securely an
Then, this is my favorite part. Then she takes him back to 15 year old David, he's 15 year old self
when he faced Goliath. In fact, perhaps as we talked about last time, David sword was Goliaths
sword. He'd actually taken it from a priest earlier just a few chapters earlier. Perhaps she saw
Goliath sword strapped to his back or strapped across the back of his mule. Maybe that's what
gave her this idea. Here's what she says, but the lives, this is so great. But the lives of your
enemies, he, God. Will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling. David. Remember, remember
God's past faithfulness. Remember when you marched down into, walk down into the valley of
the valley of Elah to face Goliath. You weren't a warrior, you weren't equipped for battle. You
didn't have a sword. You just did what you felt like God wanted you to do. And do you
remember how God came to your rescue? Do you remember how God defended You?
Remember those days.
David, you don't need to get even. You have no need to return evil for evil. For the lord Your
God is with you. And then she speaks to his future. And essentially, she asks the question that we
ask all the time around here. She asked the question without asking it directly. Essentially this
next part, she says. David, what story do you want to tell when this is nothing but a story that
you tell? Years from now, when your looking back on this season of your life as a fugitive
because one day you're gonna be the king, God's gonna keep his promise to you. But when you
look back on the season, what story do you want to tell? Here's her version. When the Lord has
fulfilled for my Lord, every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler
or king over Israel. My Lord, this is so great. My Lord will not have on his conscience the
staggering burden of needless bloodshed or having avenged himself.
David, isn't this the better story? Don't you want to look back on this season and realize that you
stepped back instead of taking matters into your own hands. And of course, David comes to he's
senses. He's about to act like somebody he doesn't even like. And David said to Abigail "praise
be to the Lord, the God of Israel. Who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for
your good judgment". In other words, you had good judgment I didn't. I'm thanking God for your
good judgment and I'm so grateful it intersected with the decision I was about to make, for
keeping me from bloodshed this day and from avenging myself with my own hands. I have heard
your words and I'm granting you your request.
Now at some point, we all need an Abigail in our lives don't we? We all need somebody who can
talk us down, we all need somebody who has access to us. We all need somebody who feels
permission to delve into those areas of our lives that we oftentimes just keep people away from.
We all need an Abigail. And when she shows up or when he shows up in our lives, we should be
wise enough to listen. In fact some of us if we're honest, one of our greatest regrets could have
been avoided if we had listened to the Abigail in our life. Somebody did say something, maybe a
parent, maybe a friend, maybe somebody you work with, somebody you date. They did say
something but you just wouldn't listen. We need to listen to those people who speak to our
preferred future. Who reminds us that what we want immediately sometimes, is gonna get in the
way of what we want ultimately. That we'll feel what feels right, right now may haunt us later.
And then and I was tempted to skip the rest of the story because it's a little bit storybook
but hey, this is how the story ends and this is how things went down back then. When
Abigail went to Nabal, he was in a house holding a banquet like that of a king cause he's
got all this extra wealth. He was in high spirits, he was so happy and very drunk. And so
she told him nothing at all until daybreak. She doesn't go back and say, you really owe me
big time because, she just waits. Then in the morning when Nabal was sober, his wife told
him everything that had happened and his heart failed him when he realized how close he
came to being executed and losing everything he had and he became like a stone. And then
about 10 days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died. And then the storybook ending.
Then David sent word to Abigail asking her to become his wife. It's like, really? Yeah, this
is just how things happened back then.
And what do you think she did? Abigail quickly got on a donkey and attended by her five female
servants, went with David's messengers and became his wife and of course they live happily ever
after. The end. So yeah, I made that part up. So, here's what we have and this is where this begins
to interface with all of our lives either now or in the future. Three characters, three different
responses but only one hero. Nabal, David and Abigail. Evil for good, evil for evil. This is where
we're tempted to live and then good for evil. As we said last time as you get to know Nabal, he's
pretty much maniacal. David is predictable in this circumstance and Abigail is remarkable. And
these are our choices, really. And if you're not a Jesus follower, you get to choose. And hopefully
you will lean more in one direction than the other but it's up to you, you're the captain of your
own ship. But if you're a Jesus follower.
For those of us who not just Christians, not those of us who just say we believe stuff. For those
of us who wake up every day and say to our heavenly father, I want to surrender my eyes, my
ears, my will, my life, my resources. To the best of my ability, I want to follow you. We're really
only left with one option and that's remarkable. And the reason it's our only option is two fold.
Number one, we've been on the receiving end of remarkable and we have been called to model it.
We don't call our remarkable Abigail, amazing Abigail. We call ours amazing what, amazing
grace. That while we were still sinners, Christ died for our sins.
And then Jesus who died for our sins says now I want you to not just believe in me or believe
things about me. I want you to get up every single day and follow me. To which you may be
tempted to say, what does that look like? And Jesus would smile and say, well you should know
by now. If you're gonna follow me, it means you emulate me. Which means I want you to love
your enemies to which we say, you mean tolerate and ignore. He says no, I mean love. Here's his
words, his words. I want you to do good, not just ignore and not just not be unkind. I want you to
do good to those who hate you. To what you would say, I thought I was doing good Just not to
hurt him, hurt her, or let the air out of his tires or slip the air mattress and put all of his clothes
out on the street and change the locks. I mean, I thought I was already doing good because of
what I hadn't done.
Jesus says no, that's not what I'm talking about. And I want you to bless those, I want you
to bless those who curse you. And I want you to pray for those who mistreat you. Does
anybody do this? To pray for the... If we're honest we would say, I don't even spend a lot of
time praying for the people who treat me well. And Jesus says, I want you to pray for those
who mistreat you. I want you to pray for the mean people. I don't want you to do
something to them, I want you to do something for them because that's how you keep from
becoming like them. But there's a bonus. Jesus says, when you do to them and for them
what they don't deserve for you to do. And when you pray for them and when you do good
to them, you actually become like your father in heaven because he is also kind to the
ungrateful and the wicked.
So, got some mean people in your life. Parents, do your children have some mean people in their
lives. And because your children have mean people in their lives. You know if anybody mistreats
my kids it's like they're mistreating me. And how have you responded? And what would it look
like? You don't have to do it. And what would it look like for your children? They don't have to
do it either but what would it look like in your circumstances to actually do good to those who
hate you? What would it look like to return good for evil? As things continued to escalate with
Rodger, he threatened to Sue our real estate agent. I mean, it just got completely out of control.
About six days before closing, the closing that we weren't sure that was gonna happen because
he wasn't about to move out. And of course, you're not gonna close on a house with somebody
living in it. I mean, it was just so weird. I walked into the kitchen and Sandra had been baking
and she had cookie sheets out with muffins out that were cooling. And then there was a paper
plate with six muffins with some cellophane over it and clearly she was gonna take these muffins
to somebody, what she does all the time. And I said, who are these for? And she looked at me
and smile. She said, they're for Roger. And I'm like what? She said they are for Roger. A little
backstory, during the garage sale that Roger actually helped us with, he actually bought things
from sweet Alice and then said he would've thrown her out of her house. It's just crazy.
Anyway, during the garage sale, Sandra took two different kinds of muffins and he loved one
particular kind. So she got up that morning and made his favorite muffins and was gonna go over
there and... I'm just like, darlin really? And here's what she said. She said I have to do this for
me. I have to do this for me, I have to do something for him. I have to do something for him and
this is the best thing I could come up with. So she went out in the garage, got on her donkey and
rode to Lawrenceville.
Now her plan was to get that and leave the muffins on his car and then text him and say, Hey,
Roger you know. He was outside. They had a very awkward conversation. She left the muffins,
didn't make a dent. Sandra, she would tell you. She was free. And then four days before the
closing was to take place, after again, all kinds of just crazy stuff. He finally took he's stuff and
he left.
But here's the point for all of us. Let's not write a predictable story, let's not write an evil
for evil story. It's so predictable, it's what everybody expects you to do. It's what you're
justified. You're your friends would say, well of course that's what you did. This is our
moment, this is our opportunity. The meaner they are, the brighter our light has an
opportunity to shine. And I know that because I don't know your circumstances, I know
that so easy for me to stand up here and say. But I'm not asking you to follow me, I'm just
trying to inspire you and encourage you to follow our savior and to write a remarkable
story. To do for others precisely what they don't deserve for you to do. And it may not, In
fact it probably won't change anything anything in them but it will do something for you.
And in doing so, you will be like your father in heaven.
Hurting someone because they hurt you doesn’t end the cycle. It perpetuates it. And it makes you look like the person you dislike.