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Have you ever been in a volatile relationship? The word “volatile” means “liable to change rapidly and unpredictably, especially for the worse.” You may be sitting next to a terrorist: not the radical kind, just the dysfunctional, abusive kind! Your child may be a “holy terror,” holding your happy home hostage. Your co-worker may use inflammatory words, creating a hostile work environment. You may be in a turbulent, abusive marriage. You never know when you enter your front door if you will face an emotional explosion. How do you identify a volatile person in a relationship? Unpredictable behavior Highly-charged words Impulsive decisions Mercurial moods Controlling others You can diffuse a volatile situation. Dr. Chet Weld, marriage counselor relates: “I specialize in marriage counseling. Couples often come to me thinking the hostility they hold is irreconcilable. Of course, each partner is hurting, and they’ve not asked for help in such a long time that negative marriage patterns seem immovable. Fortunately, they’re usually not immovable at all!” You can diffuse the bomb and repair the damage. Here are some guidelines to re-build trust and stability in a volatile relationship: Do not allow yourself to feel like a victim. Ask yourself, “What trauma is being triggered or ‘re-stimulated?” Take responsibility for letting the trauma be triggered. Recognize your own inner conflict. Own your own individual issue. Learn new communication and other skills in order to stop old patterns. Give up on the idea that your partner or friend can meet any unmet needs of childhood. If there is drug or alcohol abuse, this issue needs to be solved prior to resolving relationship issues. Admit your fears beneath your anger. Learn to self-soothe. Admit that your partner or friend can help with large matters such as the death of a parent, but cannot usually help with smaller, every day concerns. Accept that you are each imperfect. Tell each other your good intentions. Look at the impact of your family-of-origin on your own reactions. Avoid blame, withdrawal, resentful compliance, whining. Avoid long explanations and justifications. Just say “ouch” or “I’m getting defensive.” Ask, “What would you like to hear right now?” Soothe the pain rapidly – “I am sorry I hurt you.” Take turns as speaker or listener. Ask each other questions. Postpone persuasion. Dialogue must replace the four horsemen that lead to relational suicide. Spend more time on solvable problems than on perpetual ones. Talk about each other’s dreams. Dr. Weld encourages healthy dialogue. “Here are good some good topics of discussion to help you talk to your fiery friend or spouse in “normal tones” about understanding them and resolving conflict. Of course, it’s important for each of you to take turns listening and talking. Sometimes 10-20 minutes apiece – without interruption – is what’s required.” What do you feel about this issue? What do you believe about it? What’s the story behind it? Can you relate to the other person’s background in some way? What do you need, as illustrated by this issue? Tell me why this is so important to you? What would be your ideal dream? Is there a fear in not having the dream? Is there a deeper purpose or goal inside of either of you? Draw two concentric circles. What are the issues you can’t give up? Write these down in middle. Outside circle: What you’re flexible about. Recommended reading: The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud, John Townsend, John Sims Townsend Also included: Dr. Ellyn Bader, Dr. Julie Gottman’s research at the Milton Erickson Conference, April 2, 2011.

How do you influence another person for good or evil? How do you effectively pass on your spiritual legacy to someone else? Elijah and Elisha, Moses and Joshua were both Bible examples of godly, powerful men who mentored others. Francis Frangipane, in his article, “Imparting God’s Power to Others,” gives us his insights. God has placed people in your life whose influence will “cause” you to inherit His promises! “I know a man who, as a young teenager, was violently verbally abused by his father. For whatever damage the violence did to the young man’s psyche, there was a deeper side effect. Just as his dad before him had done, my friend exploded at his son. My friend was not normally an evil or violent man, but something wrong, like a “time released curse,” had been imparted to him 25 years previous. This enraged behavioral pattern had incubated in his spirit until the right circumstances arrived; then it repeated itself identically. My friend was shocked by his unpremeditated action. However, he was also amazed as he pondered the power and mystery of impartation. His father’s deed was a seed that, apart from my friend’s conscious choice, bloomed on its own in the garden of his life. It was true: the “sins of the fathers” are “visited” upon the children. Human Relationships: Channels for Good or Evil Of course, my friend’s dad had imparted many good things into his life as well. My point is that the principle of impartation shows itself in a thousand ways during our lives. There are things we are doing and ideas we defend, not because we thought them through, but purely because they were imparted to us by others around us. The fact is, the unfiltered human spirit is very much like a sponge that absorbs into our soul the substance of the world around us. Thus, scripture warns “bad company corrupts good morals” (1 Cor 15:33). I know of too many kids who were raised in Christian homes who, for one reason or another, became friends with kids who were sexually active or experimenting with drugs. Soon, the morals of those children were quietly compromised. How? Through impartation. Yet, God’s word also promises “he who walks with wise men will be wise” (Prov 13:20). There are those whom God has put in our lives, whose influence inspires us to reach for the stars. The human soul must not become an “unwalled village”; we cannot exist spiritually without guards and boundaries. Plainly, we need rules and standards of God’s word; divine truth creates a wall that keeps out the enemy. We must be selective and wise in walking in this world for it is, in truth, a war zone. It is also why Jesus warned, “Therefore take care how you listen; for whoever has, to him shall more be given” (Lk 8:18). Whatever you intently focus upon and listen to, of that thing “shall more be given.” What we yield to in unfiltered openness in varying degrees conforms us to itself. Entertainment “enters.” Consider wisely, therefore, the next time you turn on the television or select a movie to watch. Whether the impartation comes via the media, friends or family, take heed what you allow into your spirit. For whatever you allow into you through impartation, that reality shall more be given until you have an abundance. He Who Receives a Righteous Man, Receives Yet, the good news is that impartation can be a wonderful and positive influence in our lives. A life-giving church can fulfill and support your spiritual journey. Prayer partners can stand before God with you and for you, encouraging you by the holy and impartable influences of their faith. We can also receive impartation from our pastors, mentors and Christian authors. As a spiritual leader, my goal is not just to inform you, but to conform you to Christ. This involves not only instruction, but impartation as well. If you are reading a certain author that God is using right now in your life, believe God for the best that ministry can supply. There’s no reason you cannot receive of the grace given to that person for you. Jesus was specifically talking about the value of godly impartation when He taught, “He who receives you receives Me, and he who receives Me receives Him who sent Me. He who receives a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet’s reward; and he who receives a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man’s reward” (Matt 10:40-41). Of course, God may meet you sovereignly, and we should covet and pursue times alone with the Holy Spirit, in prayer or study of God’s word. But, often the Holy Spirit will have something to impart to you through a righteous man or woman. You say, “I don’t need men, I have the Bible and a relationship with the Lord.” The Bible did not fall from heaven, untouched by human hands; it was written by men inspired by God. Imagine if the early church shared that attitude! Of course, today there is much deception in the church and we must each personally know the written word of God. Impartation does not take the place of our personal relationship with our Father. Simply, Jesus says that God will “reward” us just by our ability to “receive” from those He sends. Moses and Joshua The Bible supplies many examples of impartation: Elijah and Elisha, Saul prophesying among the prophets and, of course, Jesus and His disciples (1 Kings; 1 Sam 10:5-11; Jn 14:12). Consider the commissioning of Joshua, the son of Nun. I’m sure he had his own walk with God. He didn’t need Moses in order to dwell in right relationship with the Almighty; Joshua was a man who followed the Lord fully. Yet, we read, “Now Joshua the son of Nun was filled with the spirit of wisdom, for Moses had laid his hands on him . . .” (Deut 34:9). The laying on of Moses’ hands imparted the spirit of wisdom to Joshua. Joshua, apart from Moses, possessed personal character; yet through Moses’ hands, God gave Joshua the “spirit of wisdom.” Joshua received Moses in the name of a prophet and received a prophet’s reward. Not only did Joshua receive by impartation, through his unique ministry God would impart great faith to Israel. Consider what the Lord told Moses, “Encourage [Joshua], for he shall cause Israel to inherit [the land]” (Deut 1:38). Joshua didn’t just lead the Israelites, he would cause them to inherit God’s promises! I am struck by this verse. Just as my friend’s dad imparted something that caused him to temporarily fail, so there are people God has given us whose faith, example and encouragement will “cause” us to succeed. That individual may be your mentor, pastor or a leader in your church; he may be a national leader whose messages seem perfectly timed for your needs. Either way, God has placed people in your life whose influence will “cause” you to inherit His promises! Beloved, even as you hold fast to Christ as your head, may you also understand the gift and power of spiritual impartation.” www.frangipane.org . Used by permission.

Why should the church disengage from politics? There are voices shouting from both sides of the issue. I often hear from some Christians who argue that we should disengage from social or political issues. Particularly around election season, these Christians will reason that we shouldn’t be speaking to political or cultural topics, since the New Testament seems not to. These Christians have a point. Unlike the prophets toward both Israel and the surrounding nations, Jesus and the apostles seem relatively unperturbed by the moral climate of the Roman Empire. The New Testament church wasn’t mobilizing for political change on matters like slavery or gladiator-fighting or empire-building wars. But this is to be expected. The New Testament was written almost exclusively to a group of believers who lacked any social or political power, and who thus bore no accountability for decisions made in the cultural and political spheres. But even though Rome was no democracy and the apostles had no say in what the Emperor decided, we can see the New Testament pointing us to callings informed by the gospel, even in what we might consider “politics.” John the Baptist called the crowds to repentance. A drunk coming to be baptized would have been told to repent of intoxication. An adulterer would have been told to walk forward in fidelity, to “go and sin no more” (Jn. 8). Some who held political office responded to John’s preaching, notably tax collectors and soldiers, both officers of Caesar’s government. They asked the prophet, “Teacher what shall we do?” John’s response was not to mark out their “personal” obedience from their “political” obedience. He said to the tax collectors: “Collect no more than you are authorized to do” (Lk. 4:13). He said to the soldiers: “Do not extort money from anyone by threats or by false accusation, and be content with your wages” (Lk. 4:14). These were matters both of personal repentance and of public justice. American Christians often don’t realize that we are more like the tax collectors and the soldiers, no matter our occupations, than we are like the occupied peoples of the Empire. Paul wrote to the church at Rome that the sword of Caesar is given by God, to be wielded with accountability to God based on the responsibilities and limits derived from God’s delegated authority. In a democratic republic, the final authority for making decisions of statecraft (sword-wielding) rests with the people themselves. In the voting booth, we are delegating to others how to swing the sword of public justice on our behalf. A church that doesn’t form consciences for such a calling will only ensure that those consciences are shaped by something other than the gospel. Contrary to what some might think, the new birth itself is not the stand-alone remedy for the work for righteousness and justice. We cannot simply assume that “changed people” will “change the world.” Political structures and cultural mores are complex system that live long past the life-spans of their creators, and often shape what seems plausible or possible to those who grow up in them. Personal piety ought to alert us to questions of systemic or structural injustice, but we cannot pretend that the one automatically means the other. If the new birth conferred immediate wisdom and insight, we wouldn’t need the directives on how to live, given repeatedly in both Testaments. Even if a global awakening were to lead to the conversion of the whole world, we would still need to ask how we ought to work together, socially and politically, to steward culture and to settle disputes among us. Any Christian witness that doesn’t start and finish with the gospel is unspeakably cruel and, in fact, devilish. The devil works in two ways: by deception, “You shall not surely die” (Gen. 3:4), and by accusation, “who accuses them day and night before our God” (Rev. 12:10). The devil wishes to assure some people that there’s no need for repentance, and others that there’s no hope for mercy. Some people are deceived into thinking they are too good for the gospel while others are accused into thinking they are too bad for the gospel. No one is more pro-choice than the devil on the way into the abortion clinic, and no one is more pro-life than the devil on the way out of the abortion clinic. The gospel of Jesus Christ tears down both strategies. The gospel clearly calls us to repentance and is hated by the outside world. And the gospel clearly calls us to mercy by faith in the blood of Christ, even when we can’t believe that we’d ever be received. In our day, that personal aspect of the gospel is probably most controversial when it comes to issues of sexual morality. Some would suggest that we do precisely what the universalists of old did on the question of God’s judgment of sin. Instead of a blanket universalism though, they counsel a targeted universalism, which leaves unperturbed one area of sin. But this not only is unfaithful to God; it is unloving to neighbor, leaving those in need of mercy terrorized by their own consciences. We empower darkness when we refuse to warn of judgment. The gospel brings our sin out into the open, but not in the way the devil does. The gospel does not expose sin in order to condemn but in order to reconcile. Whether in a story from a Jericho ditch or in a letter from a Birmingham jail, we must be reminded that we serve a God of both justice and justification, and we must not pit the two against each other. Our mission is rooted in a gospel that tells us honestly of the bad news of our sin and the good news of God’s grace. Our mission reconciles sinners to God, but also reconciles person to person, community to community, humanity to nature. We must speak truth to power, even as John the Baptist did to King Herod (and sometimes with the same results). Let’s feed the power, house the homeless, shelter the widow, adopt the orphan, advocate for the unborn, and steward the environment. But, as we do, let’s, most importantly, preach peace and justice, for individuals and for the whole world, found in the bloody cross and empty tomb of Jesus. As the culture finds Christianity stranger and stranger, we will find that the strangest thing we have to say is, “Jesus saves.” This article is adapted from my book Onward: Engaging the Culture Without Losing the Gospel.

Why does Jesus call Pergamum’s church the place where Satan’s throne is? Revelation 3:12 “And to the angel of the church in Pergamum write: ‘The words of him who has the sharp two-edged sword. 13 “‘I know where you dwell, where Satan’s throne is. Pergamum was a city that prided itself on several temples dedicated to the Roman Imperial cult. In the Roman period, the city of Pergamum, a former administrative capital of Asia Minor that later was moved to Ephesus, became a flag ship for Roman patriotism expressed in religious devotion. As with most major Greek cities, Pergamum boasted a theater, stadium, library and a healing center of Asclepius among the other buildings that were part of normal life in the Greco-Roman world. Pergamum’s citizens were zealous, wealthy and well-educated. They were not to be trifled with. Satan appears as an angel of light. He rules the world, according to Luke 4. His presence in Pergamum reflected His seductive, dangerous influence. The healing center (Asclepion) in Pergamum, was the headquarters for a very large network of healing centers throughout the Roman Empire. For many years Galen, the most well-known physician in the Roman Empire and personal physician of Emperor Marcus Aurelius, worked there. The Pergamum library was considered second only to the world-famous library in Alexandra. The Pergamum library boasted, according to Plutarch, more than 200,000 volumes. Another account states that Marc Anthony, a Roman military commander, bequeathed the collection to Cleopatra as a reimbursement for the total destruction of the library of Alexandria’s by Julius Caesar. Pergamum held the high honor of hosting and maintaining a temple to Zeus – Father of all gods and man and the ruler of Olympians on Mt. Olympia in accordance with ancient Greek beliefs. Zeus was closely associated with the Roman deity Jupiter whose name means the sky or literally the “heavenly father” god. The altar to Zeus was one of the most impressive structures in Pergamum. The altar’s stairs, columns, and sculptured sides once stood forty feet (12 meters) high. Today, only the steps around the altar’s base can be seen in the Pergamum museum in Berlin. The sides of the altar were ornamented with marble panels depicting a mythical battle between Greek gods and rebellious giants who were the sons of Mother Earth. Many have suggested that this altar to Zeus is what is meant by the throne of Satan in vs. 13. But there exist a number of other possibilities – such as the Asclepius cult headquarters or a concentration of the Imperial and Roman cult in that city. In Roman antiquity, the image of a sword and especially a double-edged sword was highly symbolic. So, in this city, it can truly be said that it hosted the throne of Satan, the symbol of Roman Imperial authority and rule. Christ introduced himself to the assembly of the follows of Israel’s God in Christ as “the one who has the sharp two-edged sword.” If the above identification of the throne of Satan as Roman imperial cult is correct than it would make a perfect sense for Christ here to be presented as someone with the authority of the double-edged sword. “Yet you hold fast my name, and you did not deny my faith even in the days of Antipas my faithful witness, who was killed among you, where Satan dwells.” Christian tradition holds that Antipas was ordained as the bishop of Pergamum by the Apostle John, just as was Polycarp in the city of Smyrna. The tradition also holds that he was boiled alive in a bronze kettle that resembled a bull. By the end of the first century, when the letter of Revelation was being written, the martyrdom of Antipas already took place. It was still a fresh memory in the minds of the Christ-followers of Pergamum. No doubt, Antipas met his destiny, embracing death because he was not willing to honor and sacrifice to pagan gods. Only one God can be worshiped and adored. “14 But I have a few things against you: you have some there who hold the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to put a stumbling block before the sons of Israel, so that they might eat food sacrificed to idols and practice sexual immorality. 15 So also you have some who hold the teaching of the Nicolaitans. 16 Therefore repent. If not, I will come to you soon and war against them with the sword of my mouth.” Nicolaitans, dubbed Nokhal, which in Hebrew means “We will eat,” refers to meat that was sacrificed to Greco-Roman Gods. Nicolaitans of vs. 15 are connected with the evil Balaam and Balak. Their strategy to undermine Israel was the same. They wanted Israelites to worship Baal Peor. Balaam began as a good prophet who compromised his integrity by being lured to money and fame. The main attraction was the sexual orgies that accompanied such worship. We read in Numbers 25:1-5: “While Israel remained at Shittim, the people began to play the harlot with the daughters of Moab. 2 For they invited the people to the sacrifices of their gods, and the people ate and bowed down to their gods. 3 So Israel joined themselves to Baal Peor, and the Lord was angry against Israel. 4 The Lord said to Moses, ‘Take all the leaders of the people and execute them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the fierce anger of the Lord may turn away from Israel.’ 5 So Moses said to the judges of Israel, ‘Each of you slay his men who have joined themselves to Baal of Peor.’” Christ called the assembly in Pergamum that tolerated in its mix those who both professed Christ and ate meat sacrificed to Roman gods, to repent. Christ the King threatened them with his soon-approaching judgment, calling them to finally make a choice between the God of Israel and the gods of the Roman Empire. The lesson: Satan wants to sit on the throne of your life. He demands worship and allegiance. Don’t mix the worship of Yahweh with idolatry. That is the very essence of Satanic worship. www.eteacherbiblical.com . Used by permission.

A journey through grief is complex and confusing. One way to gauge how well you are dealing with the loss, your grief and your grief emotions is to take an inventory of all the emotions and experiences that are a part of your grief journey. Below is a whole list of things you might think or feel (or have thought or felt) when someone has died. Read through the list as quickly as you can and check the thoughts and feelings that come close to describing the same thoughts and feelings you have experienced (no matter how short or long you experienced them). Don’t think too much about each one; just go through the checklist as quickly as you can! ____1. Sometimes I feel left out; people forget to ask about me and how I am doing. ____2. Sometimes I get angry with the person for dying. ____3. Sometimes I feel sad and hurt when I think about it. ____4. Sometimes I feel guilty. ____5. It really feels weird to be around other people who knew the person that died. ____6. I wonder about death and dying ____7. Sometimes I feel guilty cause I don’t want to want to be sad all the time. ____8. Sometimes I get jealous because other people don’t have these feelings. ____9. Sometimes this all feels like a dream that will go away when I wake up. ____10. Sometimes I feel real confused and out-of-sorts! ____11. I feel helpless, like there isn’t anything I could do to stop it or to help. ____12. I wonder if the same thing could happen to someone else in my family. ____13. Anything can hit you the wrong way and bring up all kinds of feelings. ____14. Not crying means that I am strong and I can hold it together. ____15. I wonder if I should of acted differently towards the person that died. ____16. Sometimes I find myself getting angry at the person that died. ____17. Sometimes I find myself mad at God for letting this happen. ____18. I wonder about what would have happened if they did not die. ____19. I need a break from thinking about all this cause I still need to have fun. ____20. I know I’m just a normal person in an abnormal situation. ____21. Sometimes I start thinking that the person really isn’t dead. ____22. People are always trying to get me to be happy when I need to feel sad. ____23. Sometimes my family isn’t very helpful and I have to talk to friends. ____24. Sometimes my friends aren’t very helpful and I rely on my family for support. ____25. I find myself being more cautious or careful these days. ____26. I feel like the sadness will never go away. ____27. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who feels the way I do about all this. ____28. I get mad because this is so unfair!!! ____29. I get confused sometimes, and it’s hard to concentrate and remember things. ____30. Sometimes I get scared, even for no reason. ____31. I feel like I am a different person now that this has happened to me. ____32. Sometimes I pretend it hasn’t happened. ____33. Life goes on–and I get mad because it’s not happening to anyone else’s family, it’s happened to mine! ____34. I can still be happy even though this is happening to me. ____35. Sometimes when I think about it, I don’t feel anything at all. ____36. I’d like to erase this all from my brain! ____37. Sometimes I don’t want to think about it or talk about it because it’s too much! ____38. I just can’t help worrying about other people in my family. ____39. Sometimes I have dreams and even nightmares about the person who died. ____40. Sometimes I cry for no reason. ____41. I get afraid sometimes to be alone ____42. I get worried or feel anxious more than I used to (for no particular reason). ____43. Nighttime can be the hardest time—that’s when I can’t stop thinking about it! ____44. Sometimes I think I’ll never get use to this. ____45. Sometimes I feel guilty because I did or said something mean to the person who’s died–but I was just mad. ____46. Sometimes I can’t remember what it was like before the person died. ____47. I know what has happened but don’t understand why! ____48. I wonder if the person who died knows that I love him/her. ____49. Nobody asked me what I think or how I feel. ____50. I know no matter what happens, I am going to be okay. Whew! That’s quite a list! So how many thoughts and feelings did you check? Maybe you recognized ten or twenty, or maybe even all fifty! Some of these things are hard to feel and some are hard to admit that you feel. Remember that taking an inventory of how the loss has impacted you equips you to better face your grief journey. Remember, the thing about thoughts and feelings is that they are not right or wrong, and they are not good or bad. They just are, and you can’t help thinking or feeling the way you do about anything! It is what you do to take care of your thoughts and feelings that matter. Some of these feelings feel good, and some feel not so good. All these thoughts and feelings are normal! Everyone who experiences grief can think and feel these ways. And, many persons, big and little, find it helpful to share these with others. Find someone with whom you feel safe to share your grief thoughts and feelings with. Here is my grief survival guide “ Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” available online at Amazon Larry is the director of GriefWorks, a free grief support program for children and their families in Dallas TX http://grief-works.org.