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Share 0 I believe it was Roger Barrier who I first heard point out that there are basically no functional families in the Bible. That is absolutely the truth. And to see how deep the dysfunction can run it only takes a glance at Genesis 29 and 30. These two chapters tell the story of Jacob’s marriage to Leah and Rachel. Just look at the dysfunction which abounds: 1) Laban (Jacob’s uncle) milks Jacob for a month of his service (Gen 29:14, 15). 2) Laban twists the situation to make himself look generous and puts Jacob in the awkward place of requesting payment (Gen 29:15). 3) Jacob loves (lusts after?) Rachel because of her physical appearance (Gen 29:17). 4) Jacob pays a very high dowry (7 years of service) for Rachel (Gen 29:20). 5) Laban and Leah deceive Jacob by giving Leah to Jacob in marriage (Gen 29:23). 6) Laban puts Leah in an unfair situation by marrying her to a man who doesn’t love her (Gen 29:23). 7) By acquiescing to tradition (Gen 29:26) and his greed (wanting Jacob to serve him longer), Laban treats Rachel unfairly by making her wait and by making her share her husband with her sister. 8) Even after being married to Leah for 7 years, Jacob still shows preferential treatment toward Rachel (Gen 29:30). 9) Leah’s understanding of love is so distorted she believes that having children will win her Jacob’s love. In doing this, Leah also shows herself a poor mother – her children are objects she uses to gain the affections of Jacob (Gen 29:32, 34). 10) Rachel believes her worth is tied to her ability to bear children (Gen 30:1). 11) Rachel demands that Jacob fix a situation only God can fix (Gen 30:1). 12) Jacob responds in anger to Rachel and makes a judgment about her only God can make (Gen 30:2). 13) Jacob commits adultery. Rachel, then Leah use their servants for their own gain and are complicit in Jacob committing adultery (Gen 30:3-10). 14) Leah bribes Rachel in order to have sex with Jacob and Jacob is complicit (Gen 30:16). And it goes on and on. What an utter mess. Any dysfunction one could imagine inhabits this family. And yet somehow it is the sons of these two women and this man who become the twelve tribes of Israel. It is this family that God so deeply cares for that he has one of the sons sent to Egypt in order to protect them from a famine they never could have predicted and were defenseless against. Have hope! I don’t doubt you empathize with all too many of the sin patterns in Jacob’s family. I don’t doubt that your heart bears the wounds of such patterns and it is all you can do not to pass them on in your own family. But our God is a choosing God, a God who calls us to be his holy people even out of such circumstances. Our God is a loving god, a God who loves despite our dysfunction and who is creating a new functional family through the power of the death and resurrection of his own Son.

When we think about what we owe others, usually money, favors and other tangible support come to mind. But our Lord says it is that and more. “Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.” (Rom 13:7) The latter may be more difficult to apply consistently, but we can respect and honor one another in various ways. I Respect You Before we make decisions that will affect the lives of others, we should ask for their opinions and seriously consider the input. I remember “informing” my wife once that we were called to another church and would be relocating. That was wrong and hurtful because as a matter of respect I should have asked for her opinion since the move affected her as well. The more important the decision is, the more necessary it is to solicit input. We may not always be obligated to abide by the opinions of others, but especially in marriage we should hesitate to continue unless we are in total agreement. In the context of church leadership, pastors need to seek input related to decisions that will affect many lives. Just announcing major initiatives is disrespectful to others involved. We should also respect the things others feel strongly about. I am not known for neatness, but when I share space with others who are more fastidious, I make an effort not to annoy them with my clutter. Finally, we should respect what belongs to others — their privacy, property and time. For instance, my being late robs others of a precious commodity – time. If I borrow something, I will take care of it and return it as promised. I Recognize and Affirm Who You Are Before we can truly honor someone, we must know him intimately in order to discover that person’s gifts. When we recognize, acknowledge and affirm people’s talents, we can help facilitate using these resources for their own self-fulfillment and for the glory of God. One of our most important jobs as parents is to help our children discover their gifts. When we strive to understand the unique contribution each person can make and then help them reach their potential, we honor them. Jesus suffered the opposite effect in his hometown because the people of Nazareth did not recognize Jesus for who He was – the Son of God. (Matt.13:57) Consequently, Jesus was not able to do many miracles there. On the other hand, when Paul was shipwrecked on the island of Malta, the people honored him and many healings occurred. (Acts 28:9-10) We need to take the initiative to recognize and facilitate the gifts of others. This key principle reinforces the idea that the “one anothers” are best given than taken. A friend of mine was frustrated because his gift of teaching was being neglected by the church. He could have exerted himself and demanded a position, but there is no honor in aggressively taking a position of honor. Rather, it was incumbent upon the leadership of the church to recognize and direct his talents. I Submit to Your Authority The topic of submission has become a hot button in our generation because of two misunderstandings. First, those in authority have misunderstood their roles when they fail to recognize that the Bible commands mutual submission. (Eph. 5:21) The misunderstanding results in overbearing, egotistical, narrow-minded, self-serving, domineering leaders. Furthermore, those under authority often don’t realize that God has indeed established levels of authority and that He will often work His sovereign will through them. Followers in this category can be rebellious, insolent, oppositional, reluctant and challenging. Despite the imbalance that often exists, the Bible makes it clear that we are to honor (respect) those who are in authority over us. (Romans 13:1-7) I Value and Esteem You When we honor someone, we should explore and express another dimension – an emotional one, an issue of the heart. We should honor people because of the great value they have as human beings, not out of duty and obligation. We don’t want to be like the young boy who was made to sit in the corner as punishment who grumbled, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside.” We should take pleasure as we honor others. I Will Give You Special Consideration and Proper Recognition Christ especially challenges us to give weaker members more honor than stronger ones. (1 Cor. 12:23) While serving as an interim worship leader, I remember how our choir members went out of their way to honor a mentally challenged young man who also sang in the choir. They graciously accepted him in every way, even when he sang too loudly or off key. The young man was not neglected. Eventually, our habit becomes that of intentionally preferring others to ourselves, giving them the advantage. As we honor one another, we will not be neglected either. Don McMinn, Ph.D. (with Kimberly Spring) Executive Director of theiPlace.org The 11th Commandment: More Insights into the One Anothers of Scripture

In the Old Testament, Samuel declares that he would be sinning against the Lord if he fails to pray for the Israelites. (1 Sam. 12:23) The value of praying for others is a familiar Christian call to action, but how can we do so effectively, giving the practice more than cursory lip service? First of all, we need to develop relationships founded on a deep level of care, vulnerability and trust. Praying for one another will become natural and effective when our relationships are in a safe place. One of the best ways to encourage others to be vulnerable about their needs is to be open about our own. Vulnerability must be reciprocal. Also, our friendships should be based on a secure confidentiality. We should be confident that whatever we share will not be repeated to others, and it will not affect our love for each other. When these prerequisites have been met, we can offer powerful prayers for each other. Consider these practical guidelines. Keep a prayer journal to make sure prayers are being offered and so that answers to prayer give God His glory. (2 Peter 3:1) Don’t be afraid to pray for people on the spot. (Acts 20:36) Praying with one another is as important as praying for each other. Even though we continue to pray for our friend’s need, praying with them immediately or on the telephone is an emotional and psychological blessing. Encourage people to share their needs and prayer requests, and share your own. (1 Thes. 5:25) This requires humility on our part and underscores the interdependence of the body of Christ. Let people know you are praying for them. (2 Thes. 1:11) Besides blessing the people you pray for, it may encourage them to seek God themselves. Whenever possible, pray about specific areas of concern, avoiding generalities. (Philem. 1:6) Designate a specific time and place to pray for others. (Luke 6:12) With some discipline, we can hold ourselves accountable to our promises to others. While it is helpful to maintain a daily ritual of prayer, we can also acknowledge God’s cues throughout the day to pray for a person. Realize that praying for others requires time, effort and emotional commitment. (Col. 4:12) Wrestling in prayer for others is a strenuous spiritual exercise. Pray as long as it takes. (1 Col. 1:9) We may be called on to pray for someone a long time until God reveals His answer. God doesn’t give up on the unsaved spouse, child or friend, prolonged illness or misfortune. Neither should we. Minister in other areas as they become apparent. As we pray for others, act on cues to offer hospitality, comfort, encouragement, etc. For instance, we may be prompted to spend more time with the person or provide practical assistance, like child care or resume writing. Even if we are paying attention to the previous guidelines, I have some personal issues that bother me when I hear people praying for others. You may disagree with me, but it is worth clearing the air. When we pray for others, does it sound like we are talking to God or to the person(s) we are praying for? If at some point in the prayer we start preaching to the person we are praying for, we should remember we are speaking to God. Are we using trite, overused phrases like “Bless the hands of the physicians as they operate?” What the Bible calls vain repetitions become prayer clichés that lose their meaning from overuse. Do we use an “ecclesiastical voice” and King James English? Some people adopt a prayer voice that seems showy and ostentatious, lacking sincerity. Are our prayers simple and focused? These intercessory prayers can be accomplished is just a few minutes focusing solely on the expressed need. Longer is not necessarily better. When we pray for others, Christ is not asking us to do something that He has not and is not doing for us. Who is on your prayer list today? Don McMinn, Ph.D. (with Kimberly Spring) Executive Director of theiPlace.org The 11th Commandment: More Insights into the One Anothers of Scripture

Here I am toe-tapping again, my silent protest to waiting. My body weight shifts every few minutes as I check my watch and tap some more. I can feel the stress engulf me like a balloon pumped with air until the surface is taut. When we wait for others, it is all about us. How we are inconvenienced, how far behind our schedule is falling, how time is wasted. But in God’s eyes, we are called to abandon our own pace, agenda, abilities, strengths and desires in order to yield to others. It is a practical and challenging manifestation of preferring one another. In our struggle to wait for one another (1 Cor. 11:33), we encounter an ugly vice called impatience, a close relative of selfishness. We are sorely tempted with impatience when faced with delay. We just don’t want to slow down. However, the godly approach is patience, a virtue that helps define what love is. (1 Cor. 13:4) Patience is also a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22) and should be evenly applied. Furthermore, we cannot pick and choose with whom we will be patient. (1 Thes. 5:14) Clearly, we all have weaknesses that at some point cause others to wait for us. We may be called on to wait for others physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We all function at different levels depending on our speed, capacity, physical limitations and endurance. Some people are slow and deliberate, others fast and decisive, often just a function of how God made us. Some of us multi-task with ease. Others enjoy focusing on a single project in great depth. We can be limited by physical challenges including age, handicaps, sickness and just our general physical capabilities. This applies to our capacity for endurance as well. For some of us, a business trip can be exhausting; for others, it is just another work day. Emotional struggles involving hurts and fears can also affect our efficiency. After a hurtful divorce, a person may be reticent to pursue another close relationship. A child who is afraid of the dark may need us to stay with him, postponing our own agenda. In general, personality types can affect who waits on whom. People who are more aggressive, extroverted and adventurous may be called upon to wait for those who are shy, reticent and cautious. Mentally we wait for each based on both our mental capacity and our strengths and weaknesses. We are born with different intelligences that affect our ability to reason, memorize and learn. In certain areas we may excel while we struggle in other areas. I may have to wait for you to complete mathematical tasks, while you show me patience trying to read a map. Spiritually we differ as well. We all experience different levels of spiritual zeal, passion and even faith. (Rom. 12:3; 14:1) When others sin, we may also be called upon to wait for repentance and changed behavior. Consider the patience of God relative to our waywardness. “He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9) Regardless of our strengths and weaknesses, we are all indispensable in God’s eyes.(1 Cor. 12:22) As we learn to accept this truth, it becomes apparent that how we respond to the weaker members is very important to God and an indication of how the love of God is being poured out through our lives. “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.” (Rom 15:1) Don McMinn, Ph.D. (with Kimberly Spring) Executive Director of theiPlace.org The 11th Commandment: More Insights into the One Anothers of Scripture

In the last two blog posts I talked about dysfunctional families: first in Palestine, and then in America. Let’s get to the good news. Let’s talk a bit about the functional family. To do so, let’s set the stage of how the early church thought about the issue of family. In the early church, the issue of family was a huge deal for several reasons: First, in ancient Near Eastern society, individual identity was largely subsumed by familial identity. Where we place a high value on our individual worth, ancient Near Easterners (along with most of those in the history of the world, actually) would have derived their primary worth from their extended family. Second, the family was a hugely significant because many of those in the early church had been cast out of their families because of their decision to join this emerging group of Christ-followers. Those from Jewish families would have been cast out as following a false Messiah, as being tritheists, and for subverting the Jewish religious order. Romans who followed Christ would have been cast out of their families for being part of a religious group that was branded as being disruptive, traitorous, and even cannibalistic. It was no small thing for this group new believers, many of whom had been rejected by their own families, to understand the new family they belonged to. In Ephesians 3, Paul describes this surprising family: “This mystery is that the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel… For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being…” We often talk about the Body of Christ in church today. And that indeed is a Scriptural metaphor, and an important one, for understanding our identity in Christ and in relation to other believers. But we don’t often hear about the new family we have been given: a family made out of every ethnicity, all with one true Father. Our true family is the family of God. We have been given a new last name – we are sons and daughters of God. That was a great hope to the first century believer. I think it’s a great hope in this day and age as well. A day and age where families are breaking down in very real ways. A day and age where very few people find their homes to be safe places. It’s also a great call for the church. We’re called not just to be a group or a club or a gathering… we’re called to be a family. That doesn’t mean we won’t have in-house problems, but it does mean that those problems happen between brothers and sisters of one Father. It means that our churches should be places of refuge and safety. Places of honesty. Places where ‘kitchen conversations’ happen, not just foyer conversations. Places where we can confront in love and be confronted in love. Is your church this kind of place? Why not? How are you standing in the way of it being that kind of place? Praise to the Father for naming us his own. May he bless you, my brother and my sister, and may he build up his family in local churches in every corner of the globe.

“He whose walk is blameless will minister to me” (Psalm 101:6). God is not just seeing worship. He’s seeking worshipers (John 4). Otherwise, we could just listen to praise music on our iPods, put it on continuous play, and be done with it. God would be appeased and we could do our own thing. But it’s not that simple. God is looking for worshipers – people. And, of course, He’s more interested in the condition of our hearts than the position of our hands and in the choices of our volition than in the beauty of our voices. Yes, God enjoys our singing, clapping, and kneeling, but it does no good to bend the knee before God if we have not first bent our hearts. A pastor who serves in the Midwest had a dream. He had been praying about the spiritual worship of his church. He received a very cogent answer which showed the difference between going through the motions of worship and really getting in touch with God. “I was sitting in my usual place – in the church auditorium, on the platform in the chancel area. The organist was playing the prelude to an empty auditorium. Soon, the back doors of the auditorium swung open and my parishioners began to enter the auditorium. From a distance, everyone looked normal – the ladies were wearing their stylish clothes, and the men were dressed in pin-striped suits, heavy-starched shirts, and designer ties. Everyone looked happy, as usual, and there was the normal exchange of courtesies. When asked ‘How are you doing?’ everyone responses, as usual, ‘Just fine, and how are you?’ “But as they came closer, I noticed that something was wrong. Their skin was emaciated and drawn, their bodies were weak and feeble. It looked like all the vitality and nutrients had been sucked from their bodies. The sanctuary was soon filled with well-dressed, mannerly people with decrepit bodies. “The worship service began and everyone proceeded to work through the order of worship – singing the hymns and choruses, prating when called upon, giving when the plates were passed, reciting the responsive readings – everything, as usual. “I asked the Lord the meaning of this peculiar dream. The Lord said, ‘I am letting you see the spiritual condition of the people. Instead of seeing their outward appearance, you are observing the condition of their spirits. On the outside, they are prepared to play church, but on the inside, they are not ready for worship. Those who worship Me must worship Me in spirit and in truth.'” It is important that we prepare for worship. What we do during corporate worship, regardless of what form our liturgy takes, is irrelevant if we have not adequately and properly prepared for the worship experience. Many cymbals are crashed, hands raised, chords tuned, poems eloquently spoken, and memorized prayers recited in the name of worship, but they are received as dissonance and muddled syllables by the Almighty if our spirits are not right. “The acceptability of any act of worship is determined by the acceptability of the worshiper.” – Ron Dunn

What is worship? Who can experience it? Do we only worship on Sunday mornings? Do only musicians worship? What does it feel like? How do I become a worshiper of God? Some subjects are so broad that they defy definition. St. Augustine once lamented, “What, then, is time? If no one asked of me, I know; if I wish to explain to him who asks, I know not.” If Augustine thought time was hard to explain, what shall we do with the topic of worship? Fortunately, it’s not necessary to know everything about worship before we can enjoy it, but the more we do know, the better our worship will be. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to love relationships. Let’s begin by defining what the word “worship” actually means in English and what it means in Hebrew and Greek, the languages in which the Bible was written. The English word “worship” comes from the Anglo-Saxon word “weorthscipe” which denotes one who is worthy of honor and reverence. When we worship God. we are declaring to Him His worth; confessing to Him that He is worthy. In Revelation 4, the twenty-four elders worship the Lord by confessing that He is worthy to receive glory, honor, and power. The Hebrew word for worship is “shaha” It means to “how low” or to “prostrate oneself.” Worship involves our bowing low before the Lord, not only physically, but in our hearts. When a Hebrew came into God’s presence, he would bow low; his posture demonstrated his reverential fear of God. The Greek work for worship is “proskuneo”, which literally means to “kiss the hand of one who is revered” or to “do obeisance to another”. If a member of the early church were to have an audience with Jesus, he would get close enough to kiss His hand. Notice that the New Testament concept of worship involved closeness and intimacy. The God who was unapproachable under the old covenant may be approached with boldness in the new covenant, and without the slightest fear of being shunned. Worship is the expression of a love relationship. Worship presupposes a relationship, which correctly implies that those who do not have a personal relationship with God cannot and will not worship Him. Worship also requires open, public expression; concealed love is to be questioned. It’s like the husband who winked at his wife – in the dark, he knew what he did but nobody else did. And worship occurs in a love relationship, not an association prompted by commerce, politics, or convenience. It is amazing that the same person we acknowledge as God, is also our Savior, and even friend. But as the hymn-writer wrote, “I stand amazed in the presence…,” and I suppose we’ll never lose the wonder of His love and fellowship. Perhaps the most intriguing, persistent, philosophical question in Christendom has been, “What is the chief end of man?” The best answer was given in the catechism “To glorify God to to enjoy Him forever.” Let’s learn how to worship!

As we seek to be obedient, the blessings of honoring one another pour out into the body of Christ. It really is the key to proper functioning. (1 Cor. 12:12, 27) Just like our physical bodies work best when all the various parts are functioning properly, the spiritual body of Christ is at its best when each member is doing his part. Honoring one another is a critical part of making this happen. Honoring is also the key to maintaining unity among the body. (1 Cor. 12:24-25) Kingdom work cannot happen amid strife and division. As a minister at a local church, I must be at peace with my fellow staff members and church members. If the pastor is angry with the worship pastor, who can’t stand the youth pastor, who is upset at the children’s pastor, the church will not function as it should, regardless of how “good” everyone tries to act. Assimilation is a buzzword in the church growth/health area that suggests when someone joins a church, two things need to happen in the first four months. First, the new member needs to become relationally connected to at least 3-4 people. Second, the new member needs to become involved in a ministry in which she can use her unique gifts, talents and skills. Honoring one another is a key element in becoming involved in ministry. God has created each of us uniquely, and He has a distinctive mission for us to accomplish. Every person must discover what he was created to do and do it. A teacher must teach, a painter must paint, an organizer must organize. We will not be completely fulfilled until we discover our destiny and live with it. In spite of our best intentions, any form of selfishness can sabotage our gift of honoring others. · Territorialism – I like my turf and don’t want anyone else on it. · Impact on my value and worth – If I honor you, that may diminish the attention and honor I receive. · Preoccupation with self – I am so focused on me, I am unable to focus on you. · Jealousy – What if I honor you in an area in which we are both involved and it turns out that you are better at it than I? · Insecurity – If I honor the strengths of other people, I might expose my own inadequacies. · Fear of unmet needs – Who will honor me? Think of some practical ways to honor others, pray to be delivered from selfishness and thank God for His blessings. Don McMinn, Ph.D. (with Kimberly Spring) Executive Director of theiPlace.org The 11th Commandment: More Insights into the One Anothers of Scripture

In my last post I delved into the gory details of the complete and utter dysfunction of Jacob’s family: deceit, jealousy, lust, unrequited love, manipulation, preferential treatment, twisted use of sex – this family had it all. I talk with all too many people from Christian families who are deeply ashamed of the dysfunction in their homes. Modern American Christian culture is a nuclear-family centric culture. Just turn on your local Christian radio and you’ll find filtering through the airwaves not so much the gospel as “family friendly” or “positive and uplifting for the whole family” fare. Christian politicking, likewise, is focused on “family values” and “pro-family legislation.” The biggest downfall of Christian leaders (both political and otherwise) usually has to do with something they’ve done that has broken the trust of their family (adultery, sexual sin, etc). Many local churches try to draw people through their doors with their children’s programs or family-themed messages. The merits of such politics and programming aside, the underlying message in American evangelicalism is clear: our relationship with God is inextricably intertwined with and dependent on the health of our relationship with our nuclear family. If your family isn’t smiling on Sunday, God’s not smiling at you. It is not surprising, then, that so many families hide the deep dysfunction in their families and are ashamed with such dysfunction accidentally leaks out. My wife is a counselor and there have been many families we’ve dealt with who have refused to attend counseling sessions when approached by friends in the church or church leadership. Why? 1) Because they think if they keep it hidden it doesn’t exist. And 2) because they think their problems are unique. What a sad state of affairs! These problems aren’t unique. To be more confrontational about what I said in my previous post, I challenge you to find me one functional family in the Bible! And yet God’s mercy and love and plan is in full force at every point. God isn’t a messy God, but he sure isn’t afraid to pull his people out of the mess. In fact, he seems to relish it. We all are born into dysfunctional families and we all create dysfunctional families. It’s what sinful people do. But our God is a God who can lavish your sinful family with his love, grace, and compassion.

As it was in the days of Christ, so it is today: There are few true worshipers. Many believers work for God, perform Christian services, follow a disciplined ritual, but few worship God as He specifies and requires. Too many of us have been programmed to think that the worship service takes place on Sunday morning in a sanctuary. We have missed the real essence of worship. Worship is falsely associated with a certain place and time. An esthetic location may enhance our emotional involvement, but it will not ensure worship. Christ teaches that worship of His spirit must take place in our spirits. Man’s spirit is the one place where he can meet God. The spirit, which involves consciousness of God and the supernatural world, consists of conscience and discernment of right and wrong (2 Cor. 2:13); intuition, which perceives knowledge without use of the soul or the five senses (John 11:33, 13:21; Mark 2:8; Acts 20:22); and the capacity of communion, worship and communication with God (John 4:23; Rom. 8:16; 1 Cor. 14:15). Only when we are born again can we fellowship with Christ. It takes the redeeming work of Christ to enlighten our spirit and make it responsive to God. Even though there is nothing wrong with incorporating the body and soul into worship, all spiritual activity must emanate from the spirit. Our worship of God will be no greater than our knowledge of Him. In this respect, every believer has a different capacity to worship. Some are so backslidden that they have not received any revelation from God in years. It is no wonder they cannot worship God. They do not know Him; they have not spent time with Him. On the other hand, how sweet are the hours of worship for one who has made it a lifelong quest to know God. The Father still seeks true worshipers. Has His searching eye found you? Why not meet God in the quietness of your spirit and worship Him today?

In our first 20 years of marriage, my wife and I seldom welcomed guests. Our parents had not modeled this in our childhoods, and we didn’t realize how wonderful it is to offer hospitality to others. Now hardly a month goes by that we don’t fellowship regularly around our table with old and new friends. In these tough economic times, we find this relaxed but meaningful ministry can do much to ease the isolation and tension some of our friends are facing. Even though all of God’s people should be hospitable, it is an especially important part of being a church leader. Caring for people by offering them fellowship and a meal is a meaningful part of ministry. Spontaneous or planned hospitality allows people to get to know each other on a deeper level so that we can pray for one another. With practice we can reach out in natural, unstructured ways so that our homes become frequent stops for friends and even strangers. (Heb. 13:2) Offering hospitality has two main objectives. First, we can graciously provide for the physical needs of others – food and lodging. Second, we can provide an environment where relationships can be nurtured and developed. Whether we are on the giving or receiving end, hospitality is a blessing. Unfortunately, we allow many excuses to interfere with this blessing. Here are some practical suggestions that have worked for our family. Don’t worry about the size or condition of the house. One family I know has a dollhouse size kitchen and eating area, but they entertain small groups frequently. The home is clean, the family is prepared and that’s all that matters. Plan ahead and give guests clear instructions and directions. Make sure people know the date and time well in advance, who else is invited, driving directions, if they are expected to bring anything, appropriate dress, the telephone number, the general plan for the evening and if children are included. Consider carefully the size of the group. Keep in mind that the ministry aspect of showing hospitality increases as the number of invited guests decreases. Small groups provide more intimacy; large groups provide opportunity for meeting more people. Both kinds of events qualify as hospitality, but consider the emotional/spiritual difference between them. Keep the meal simple. Do I hear an “amen” to that? Remember, the meal is a means to an end, not an end in itself. Physical nourishment is secondary to emotional and spiritual nourishment. When we have people for dinner, we usually serve a simple meal that includes a casserole, salad, bread and dessert. Make the evening a joint effort among family members so that one person is not unfairly burdened. Decide ahead of time who takes responsibility for cleaning, meal preparation, serving and cleanup. Greet people when they arrive. This pivotal moment conveys friendliness and puts guests at ease. Make sure they are introduced to others, offered refreshment, can locate the restroom and know the plan for the evening. During the meal, direct the topics of conversation. Without some direction, conversation can drift to trivial, meaningless, even questionable topics. The host can steer the conversation by initiating certain topics. We can ask people to share about themselves or their family, how they got involved in the church or where they call “home.” Avoid topics that could be uncomfortable for some guests. Asking everyone to share their testimony would be risky unless the host knows everyone would be comfortable with that. Likewise, asking everyone to share about a favorite vacation could leave out someone who is unemployed and can’t afford a vacation. Control most of the conversation. Don’t let some people dominate the conversation while others sit in silence. Try to vary the topics so more people have a chance to find a topic of interest. Imagine how a non-musician would feel if the entire evening is focused on classical music. After the meal, engage in additional “one anothers.” When we move to the den, we might share a short devotional and pray for one another, making sure ahead of time that no one feels obligated to pray aloud. During this time we may find opportunities to comfort someone who is hurting or encourage someone who is raising children. Provide closure to the evening. Let people know when it is okay to leave without disrupting the evening’s agenda. We can invite them to linger for fellowship, but some guests may have other obligations and are looking for the courteous moment to say good-bye. Personally affirm each person as he leaves. Make sure guests know how much their presence has meant. Showing hospitality may also involve offering lodging. Whether for a night or an extended time, here are some house rules for making sure things run smoothly. Make sure husband and wife are unified in the offer of hospitality and that everyone else in the house knows who is coming and for how long. Clearly define how long the houseguest will stay and what meals and transportation will be provided. It is not fair to you or your guests to be unclear about these arrangements. Communicate house rules that will make you and your guests comfortable. For instance, no food in the living room, don’t let the cat out, breakfast on your own, what to do if the phone rings, etc. Hospitality is a two-way street. Here are some hints for being on the receiving end. Graciously receive and quickly respond to an invitation. Offer to bring part of the meal. Be on time and park without blocking a driveway, etc. If appropriate, bring a simple gift. Respect the house rules. Respect the host’s leadership. Don’t hijack the conversation, turn on the TV or leave early without notifying the host. Don’t dominate the host’s attention. Leave at a decent time. 4 Express gratitude verbally and follow up with a written note. Too often we think fellowship involves excessive amounts of time and money. Perhaps our focus is on being impressive instead of on being hospitable. Generally, our guests remember how warmly they were treated long after the meal has been digested. Don McMinn, Ph.D. (with Kimberly Spring) Executive Director of theiPlace.org The 11th Commandment: More Insights into the One Anothers of Scripture

Christmastime… that peaceful, everybody-gets-along time of year, right? Not necessarily. Harmony in relationships can be challenging year round, but as activities increase with holiday celebrations and we encounter more people, our chances of offending someone or being offended increase. Regardless of how careful we are to avoid hurts and misunderstandings, problems happen. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world, so we need to be conscientious about resolving personal issues. After all, “God has called us to live in peace.” (1 Cor. 7:15) When a relationship is broken, we should take the initiative to restore peace, even at the expense of religious/spiritual activities, even if it is the other person who is upset with us. We are told to be proactive and to settle matters quickly. (Matt. 5:23) If left unresolved, controversies and misunderstandings seldom evaporate. Instead, they usually go deep into the heart, lie dormant, fester and begin to poison the soul. Issues need to be dealt with quickly and at a time and place conducive to restoration. Keep in mind, however, that some of our personal issues just need to be forgiven, forgotten and dropped. When the neighbors don’t respond to our invitation to a Christmas celebration, we don’t need to make an issue of it. However, we should never dismiss as trivial another person’s feelings if they are upset. Then it is our responsibility to seek resolution. Sometimes, our efforts to live in peace with people do not bring about the desired result. I once offended someone by inadvertently leaving his name off the church bulletin acknowledging his musical performance. Even after attempts to apologize, the person was still upset. Eventually, I had to realize that I had made every effort and I should let it go. Of course, I continued to pray for the situation, showed kindness to the musician and tried to be more careful in the future. At times, we may be called upon to help arbitrate other people’s quarrels and misunderstandings in which we are not personally involved. Initially, this might involve encouraging someone else to seek resolution. Or, we may need to get directly involved – “John, let me set up a meeting with you, Bob and me so this issue can be settled.” Helping others live in peace is certainly the responsibility of those in authority. Parents, church leaders and employers should take the initiative to resolve relational conflicts with their children, members and employees, respectively. The guidelines I use for making peace are found in Ephesians 4:15. “Speak the truth in love.” Speak When a misunderstanding occurs, all parties need to talk. It is not spiritually mature to remain silent and just “take it.” In every healthy relationship, participants should have the freedom to speak, and we can make this work by being approachable and being good listeners. Being approachable means letting others know they are welcome to share the truth in love. It doesn’t mean that we must agree with those who approach us, but they should know we are willing to communicate with them. Lines of authority should never separate us from our responsibility to be approachable. As parents, church leaders or employers, we should never convey the message that our position puts us beyond approachability. Keeping the peace also depends on being a good listener. We need to focus on what the other person is saying and give our undivided attention. Listen not only to what the person says, but also to their heart. (Matt. 12:34) Sometimes people don’t mean what they say, but sometimes people mean more than what they say. The teenager who says, “I just want to go to my room,” may actually mean that she is dealing with something hurtful that happened at school. Listening also requires remembering, being sensitive in the future to this shared information. Speak the Truth While most of us would not boldly lie, we may be tempted to distort the facts, exaggerate the facts, make assumptions or speak part of the truth. Instead, we should share only the truth and all of the truth as we pursue peaceful resolutions. We need to understand all sides of a story. Often, just talking through a misunderstanding to get all the facts will resolve an issue. Speak the Truth in Love Some people think that armed with truth they can express themselves anyway they want, even if it hurts another person. When we share our truth with love, it reveals our motivation to sincerely bring peace to the situation, to edify, not humiliate. Timing, place and approach can affect how our words are received. Consider this. I want you to speak the truth in love to me, but… · Not as soon as I get home from work · Not in front of the kids · Not when I am tired · Not in front of other people · Not by condemning me What would you add to the list to define your personal criteria? Here is mine: Please, not on Sundays, particularly not before worship services. These are some other suggestions for speaking the truth in love: · Get to the point quickly · Stick to the issue at hand · Discuss the situation only with those who are directly involved in · Give the other person(s) an opportunity to respond · Be sensitive about when you share and do so in a timely manner · Use a gentle tone of voice and non-threatening body language Living in peace with one another is a big deal with God. Christ wants his body to be united and harmonious, not torn by strife and division. We can enjoy relational, interpersonal peace, but it takes constant effort. Don’t let fragile relationships ruin the joy of Christmas. Make peace with others and resolve to keep the peace in the New Year. Don McMinn, Ph.D. (with Kimberly Spring) Executive Director of theiPlace.org The 11th Commandment: More Insights into the One Anothers of Scripture