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Dear Roger, I have a question regarding a divorce. I married my then spouse for all the wrong reasons. I thought things would change after the marriage, but they got worse. My then spouse confessed he didn’t believe in god and he brought all types of evils into our family. After many failed attempts to get him to join a church or get counseling I decided it only be wise to leave him. My concern is on remarrying, we were married in a court building, not on biblical grounds. So am I able to remarry if I cleanse myself, repent for those sins? Sincerely, Nicole Dear Nicole, Yes, under the Bible’s guidelines you are free to remarry. In fact, the Biblical teaching is quite clear. If you have grounds for divorce then you have the right to remarry. So, since you are the one to divorce your husband, let’s be sure that you had Biblical grounds for initiating a divorce. From everything that I can tell, you had the Biblical right to divorce your husband. According to the teachings of both Jesus and Paul, your husband failed to live up to his marriage vows and to his marriage responsibilities as outlined in Ephesians 5:25-33. In essence he broke up your marriage even before you were divorced. Paul taught that the role of a husband is to love and sacrifice for his wife as Jesus loved and sacrificed His life for His church. The husband is to invest his life in loving his wife and caring for her needs even before he takes care of his own. He is responsible to make her into the best woman she can possibly be. He is to watch over her and protect her from “evil things” like the ones he brought into your house. He is responsible for his wife’s spiritual development. From what you described, your husband walked out on you a long time ago—even while you both lived under the same roof. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul taught that married people are not to divorce. He taught that if a Christian is married to an unbelieving spouse who wants to stay married, then the Christian is to remain because you never know whether or not they might get their lives straightened out with Christ. Paul also taught that if a Christian is married to an unbelieving spouse and the unbelieving spouse wants out of the marriage, then the Christian is “no longer bound in such circumstances.” Nicole, I believe that in your case, your unbelieving husband has, by his very actions made it very clear that he has abandoned your marriage. Therefore, “in your circumstance” you are not bound and thus free to remarry. So, go ahead and confess the ways you might have not been the best wife, let your heart break over the pain of a failed marriage. Then, begin to pick up the pieces of your life and begin a new chapter. May God bring just the right Xhristian man into your life. May you be blessed with the marriage you wanted to begin with! May God grant good days ahead for you. By the way, when you prepare to remarry, remember that thinkkng you can change a man is usually wishful thinking. What you see is what you get. However, the grace of God can turn any spouse into the very reflection of Jesus Chhrsit. So, don’t give up hope. Love, Roger

Share 0 Dear Roger I’m struggling with masturbation. Is there hope for me? I always repent and will not commit this sin but after a few months I go back and fall into this sin. This has been happening for over 11 years way before I got born again in 2007. I really want to change but I don’t know how… “B” Dear “B”, Dealing with masturbation is uncomfortable. Churches—and most people—avoid the subject like the plague. Yet, with the shocking rise of pornography, masturbation is an important discussion we need to have. However, many do have a plan, either consciously or subconsciously, for handling the subject. I call it, “The Cycle of Guilt and Shame Plan.” It goes like this: “Don’t masturbate… If you do masturbate you ought to feel guilt and shame… Repent and confess your sin to God… Ask God to forgive you… Thank God for the cleansing.” Then the cycle begins anew: “Don’t masturbate… If you do…….” Ask Jeeves.com., a Christian website dealing with moral issues, broached the topic. “What about Christians and Masturbation,” and received scores of hits. A sampling of answers revealed a close adherence to the Cycle—some more closely than others. Check out Got questions.org, Probe Ministries; and clay.jones@biola.edu. All three classify masturbation as a sin. Each site provides helpful verses and concepts devoted to gaining victory. Nevertheless, each site offers the Cycle as the only means of relief. It seems to me that there must be a better approach. Reliable studies consistently find that 95% of men and over 30% of women masturbate on a regular basis. I find it hard to believe that God would build into us such a powerful, God-given and gifted drive like the one for sex and make it so that 95% of men and over 30% of women consistently repeat the Cycle again and again. It would seem there is no chance to stop the cycle of guilt and shame. Knowing that so many people masturbate is helpful because many Christians wonder if they are the only ones who struggle here. Be at peace; we are not alone. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:10: “There is no temptation taken you but such as is common to man.” So, if this is a temptation for you, take heart, the world is filled with Christians who struggle here as well and there is hope for victory. The drive for sex is deeply ingrained in the genetic and chemical fabric of the brain. Telling some one to “just stop it” is like telling some one who is hard-wired with chemical-clinical depression to “just stop it.” It can’t be done. Fortunately, anti-depressants can bring relief. Some Christian counselors will say that masturbation provides relief and others consider masturbation to be the way God designed for people to obtain sexual release when they are not married. I want to be careful to approach the subject with the utmost prayer and care. I would like to relate that I decided early on not to take the easy way out and give a non-answer that brings little satisfaction to anyone. Developing a practical theology regarding masturbation is quite complex and worthy of more than just a passing surrender to the Cycle of sin, guilt, shame, repentance, confession, forgiveness—and now everything is all right—until a day or two later and the vicious cycle commences once more. I postulate that how we manage masturbation hinges on how we define “lust”. I postulate that saying “Stop It” doesn’t work well. The key to a workable solution is self control. I believe that there is no direct Biblical reference to masturbation. Nevertheless, some turn to two passages that they claim teach otherwise. Dr. Ray Bohlin of Probe Ministries described these two suppositions: The Bible never explicitly mentions masturbation or states whether or not masturbation is a sin. The Scripture most frequently pointed to in regards to masturbation is the story of Onan in Genesis 38:9-10. Some interpret this passage as saying that “spilling your seed” on the ground is a sin referring to masturbation. However, that is not at all what the passage is saying. God condemned Onan not for “spilling his seed” but because Onan refused to fulfill his duty to provide an heir for his brother. The passage is not about masturbation, but rather about fulfilling a family duty (to provide an heir for his dead brother). [In essence, Onan’s maneuver was an early form of birth control—all be it not a very effective one—Roger] A second passage sometimes used as evidence for masturbation’s being a sin is Matthew 5:27-30. Jesus spoke against having lustful thoughts and then says, “If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.” While there are parallels between this passage and masturbation, it is unlikely that masturbation was what Jesus was alluding to. While many passages mention the sins of sexual impurity and sexual immorality, and encourage us to avoid such behavior, the Bible never mentions masturbation in the lists. Ephesians 5:3; 1 Corinthians 10:31; Romans 14:23; and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 are a few relevant passages. This fact in no way negates the possibility of masturbation being a sin; however, to declare it so from these passages and others like them is to argue from silence—a dangerous thing to assume. Certainly, sexual immorality is to be stringently avoided. It is of some note that Paul defines sexual immorality as occurring in the context of two or more people. It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7). A careful reading of this passage describes sexual impurity as an activity that includes and takes place in the context of others: “and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.” Impure sexual activity can certainly occur without others involved. Think Pornography. However, the primary place where sexual immorality occurs is with others. All that being said—and much more can be said—let me share some thoughts to consider as guidelines in developing a practical and workable plan. First, carefully consider the definition of lust as enunciated by Jesus in Matthew 5:28: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Masturbation may not be specifically condemned in Scripture but lust is clearly condemned. I have asked a number of Christian counselors whether or not “lust” refers to thinking lustful thoughts about any woman (or man) or thinking lustful thoughts about a particular woman (or man). Many quickly respond that lust includes any and every possible woman or man. On the other hand, many are not so quick to answer. After all, Christian counselors are in the unique position of trying to apply Biblical truth to everyday life. They see hundreds of counselees over the course of their ministries. In struggling to make practical sense of Jesus’ statement, many narrow down the focus of lust as defining impure thoughts about a man or woman in particular. During my ministry I often turned to one particular-counselor friend for advice on how to guide a counselee with whom I was working. When it came to the subject of lust, he was quite emphatic. His conclusion was that lust commenced whenever the focus on one particular individual produced plans or imaginations which zeroed in on having explicit sexual behaviors with that person. At this point sin is being committed. Second, consider the damage pornography can do to you and to your marriage. Pornography is clearly identified as a sin in Job 31:1: “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.” The lie of pornography is that the woman on the page or on the screen is willing and obtainable. The truth is that if you encountered her on the sidewalk, she wouldn’t give you the time of day. One of the saddest counseling sessions that I ever conducted was with a newly-married couple. He was upset with his new wife because she was horrified at the thought of some of the sexual activities he expected her to perform. It was quickly obvious that he had viewed quite a number of pornographic sexual behaviors on the internet and thought that all women performed in the same manner. She was shamed and he was angry. What an awful honeymoon. Consider that the persistent use of porn makes sexual addiction a real possibility. The more we look the more we creep closer and closer to the precipice. Proper sexual desire and activity is twisted and bent into unrecognizable misery when addiction commences. Masturbation with pornography follows the law of diminishing returns. Today’s pleasure is tomorrow’s disappointment. More and deeper levels are required to gain the same satisfaction. Paul wrote in Ephesians 4:19: “Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.” So, there’s a continual lust for more. For the true sex addict who may have sex or masturbate more than once a day, such a person reaches a point where an erection cannot be maintained even during masturbation. There’s a continual lust for more. Third, if you are married then obviously have sex with your spouse. If you are masturbating while married then Paul says there are several things to consider. Don’t deprive your wife/husband or have less sex with your spouse because of masturbation. This is a sin. By the way, why are you masturbating if you are married? Is it because you are lusting after other women? If so, this is a sin. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:5-6: “Do not deprive each other (sexually) except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command.” Fourth, self control is essential. If you are using masturbation in an ungodly way know that Paul said: “Control yourself.” Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:9: “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Another of my counselor friends related to me that a number of his clients struggle with out of control masturbation and desperately want relief from the domination. Self control is foundational to victory. He said: “One way to control is to make a goal each week to masturbate less than the week before until you finally find freedom. A lot of prayer and infused power from the Holy Spirit can make all the difference in the world in getting this behavior under your control instead of letting it control you. Finally, remember that your body belongs to Jesus more than it belongs to you. Make Him proud of how you use it for His glory! Our bodies are redeemed and belong to God. Paul wrote: “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). The umbrella of sexual impurity covers so much more than masturbation. Sexual purity is top priority for all who follow the Lord Jesus. We know, according to Romans 1:18-25, that in the last days, sexual debauchery will increase without bound. This is all the more reason for us Christians to stand out as different. We are the ones who make sex a holy and blessed thing as God commanded us in Genesis 2. A healthy life of sexual purity is quite attractive to those whose lives are deeply stained by immorality. Well, “B”, I hope I have given enough information for you to decide how you want to deal with masturbation. When you sin, ask for forgiveness. OK. But, don’t be so hard on yourself. We probably make feeling guilty about masturbation more trouble than it is worth. The unresolved and irresolvable quilt can wreck untold havoc on our spiritual lives. Just stay away from the lusting. Lusting dirties the soul and leads to all sorts of marital and spiritual troubles. Sincerely, Roger Several days later I received the following reply from “B”. Dear Roger, Thanks for the reply, you have made it clear. I don’t necessarily lust after someone it’s just a feeling that comes at times and I’ll resist sometimes. I don’t know if age adds to this too, I’m 36 years old. Regards, “B” I replied: Dear “B”, I am glad I helped. Also, I think that your torment of guilt is much worse than the masturbating. Back off on feeling so guilty about a normal, human drive to procreate. Love, Roger By the way, as “B” mentioned above, aging obviously affects sexual desire. Decreasing testosterone and increasing estrogen (in males) wreck havoc with sexual desire. But, for most, the drive seldom, if ever, goes away entirely. I was sitting in an ethics class in seminary when eighty-six-year-old-retired-ethics professor T.B. Maston came in for a visit. He spent the hour answering our questions about Christian ethics. Near the end of the class time one student got personal. “At what age do men stop looking at attractive women?” he asked. “I don’t know,” Matson replied. “You’ll have to ask someone older than I.”

Dear Roger, i called Jesus stupid because i was with illness and then felt like an abomination i ask Jesus forgiveness but i still feel guilty. CW Dear CW, What a great question! Your question includes blaspheming the Holy Spirit, the unpardonable sin, handling anger, disappointment in Jesus, forgiveness of sin, salvation and questioning God’s character! Now, let’s get down to business. I imagine that you called Jesus, “stupid because you were angry with Jesus for not meeting one or more of the needs you experienced during your illness. I am so sorry that you felt that so angry, deserted and not helped by Jesus. You probably felt rejected and even betrayed. My heart hurts for you and the pain you felt. It’s OK to be hurting and angry and call Jesus, “Stupid”. I have never called Him “stupid” but I was once so angry at Him when one of my children was about to die of pneumonia that I wanted to give up on Him and even stop being a Christian. I was so angry at Him for letting her suffer so long and so deeply. Anger is an emotion we feel when we are hurt, experience a loss or endure an injustice. The Bible says that it is OK to be angry as long as we handle it properly by not getting bitter or letting Satan use our anger against us. Paul taught this: “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-28). One of the wrong ways to handle anger is to allow it to burn into bitterness. I imagine that the reason you called Jesus “stupid” was because you were deeply hurt and disappointed. It’s OK to feel like that. You were speaking out of a natural, God-given, human emotion. We can’t stop emotions flowing. How we handle the emotion is what matters. You handled it well. You went to Jesus and told Him that you were sorry and asked for forgiveness. As indicated by your letter, are no longer angry with Jesus; you are broken hearted over how you responded. Now, rest assured that Jesus has forgiven you. John wrote in 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”” When you told Jesus you were sorry He immediately forgave you. So, why do you still feel guilty? Two reasons. First, you are accusing yourself and making yourself feel guilty. This is what Jesus would call, “Lack of faith.” You don’t believe that Jesus has really forgiven you. Be at peace. He has promised that you are forgiven. Believe Him. Trust Him. He is not lying. You are forgiven so stop worrying about it. Second, the Bible tells us that Satan is the one who accuses us to make us feel miserable. Your accusations may well be an attack from Satan. Whenever you start to feel guilty, tell Satan to leave you alone because you believe that Jesus has completely forgiven you! Tell Satan this until the guilty thoughts finally go away. Since you mention the word, “abomination”, in your question, let me say a word about that. “There is a related term in the Bible called, “The blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.” Jesus said in Mark 3:28-29: “I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin.” Many call this the “Unforgivable Sin”. They feel that Jesus meant that it is possible for us to say or do something so bad against the Holy Spirit that we can never be saved. To blaspheme the Holy Spirit is to sign our death warrant to Hell! Yes, there is one unforgivable sin that is called, “The blasphemy of the Holy Spirit”. Be at peace, CW, you have not committed it. Let me explain. One of the responsibilities of the Holy Spirit is to convict us our sin and our need for a Savior. Jesus said in John 16:8-11: “When he (the Holy Spirit) comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment: in regard to sin, because men do not believe in me … ” The Holy Spirit tells people that Jesus died on the cross for their sins, and that they need to confess their sins, and surrender their lives to Jesus, so that He can forgive their sins and give them eternal life. Fortunately, many accept the Holy Spirit’s offer and give their lives to Jesus. Unfortunately, many other people call the Holy Spirit a liar and reject His offer. Calling the Holy Spirit a liar about their need for Jesus is the only sin that God cannot forgive. By the way, it is possible to call the Holy Spirit bad names and even call Him a liar about our need for Jesus and not yet commit the unpardonable sin. This sin can only be finally committed when we die because God gives us a chance to receive Jesus and have our sins forgiven right up to the moment of death. Once we die we our chances are over Hebrews 9:27-28 says: “Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people…” Let me repeat this principle for certain clarity. Until we die we have every opportunity to say “yes” to Jesus. If we surrender our lives to Jesus before we die than any previous rejection of the Holy Spirit’s testimony is forgiven. I am sorry that you are struggling with accusations against yourself. Again, be at peace, I am sorry that you felt so hurt that you called Jesus “stupid”. Fortunately, the moment you confessed you sin Jesus forgave you no matter what you or Satan might think. Now go and enjoy the forgiveness and grace Jesus has given to you. Love, Roger

Share 0 Dear Roger, I believe I am in love with a man from my church who is married but no longer with his wife. She left him 2 years ago for another man. At the current time his finances are not sufficient enough to pay for a divorce. Would it be wrong to go out on a date with him? Sincerely, B Dear B, A date probably not—anything further? Definitely not! The most significant issue in this situation is purity of heart. Jesus emphasized the criticality of a pure heart in Matthew 5:8: “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.” Impure hearts can’t see God. Clean hearts are able to bring Him clearly into focus. Since you both are involved in church, I sense that seeing and hearing from God are important to you. So, purity of heart is essential. Dating a married man doesn’t dirty up a heart. However, the danger of a dating a married man presupposes that the relationship may escalate to sexual impurity. According to God sexual impurity is a great way to dirty up your heart so that you can’t see God nor hear Him speak. I am in no way predicting or intimating that your relationship will escalate sexually. However, the fact that you are in love, or falling in love, with him suggests that the possibility must at least be addressed. Sexual purity is a big issue to God. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 6:15-20: Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Prostitution was a big deal in first-century Corinth. The issue was having sex with a prostitute. While we may not use the identical term today to describe having sex with a married man, the application is the same. Paul continued in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20: Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Paul used here a double entendre. In the term, “sinning against the body,” Paul intended reference to both the physical as well as the spiritual heart. I am sorry for the pain your husband has endured with the leaving of his wife. The grief is incredible. I hope his healing and adjustment are proceeding well. You may well be an essential part of his emotional, mental and spiritual recovery. God may well have brought you both together for mutual enhancement and blessing. If so, I hope that a new chapter will soon open up for both of you. Be encouraged. Be patient. In God’s plan, if His will is for you to be together, keep your heart pure, and your desire pure, and I believe that the Lord Jesus Christ can get the finances covered. Remember, you can have all you want of Jesus, or you can have sin. But, you can’t have both. Somehow, “enjoying the pleasures of sin for a season,” just doesn’t measure up to seeing the glories of God. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, What’s your view on birth control? Do you consider it an abortion? Agustin Dear Agustin, Thank God for birth control. Depending on the circumstances, I believe that birth control may or not be abortion. How is that for a short answer! OK, let’s get into a little more detail. Let’s start with birth control. The most relevant Biblical teaching is found in Genesis 1:28 when God gave specific instructions to Adam and Eve regarding their role of dominion over all the earth: “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it’” (Genesis 1:28). Adam and Eve and their descendants have done well. The earth is close to being “full.” The parabolic population curve predicts an out of control, over abundance of people that will be unsustainable in the short-term future. The earth has an over-population problem. I am completely in favor of birth control. Once upon a time the earth had plenty of room for people. In that context, Psalm 127:3-5 made sense. The more sons and daughters, the more help on the family farm and more security against enemies: Sons are a heritage from the LORD, Children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior Are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man Whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame When they contend with their enemies in the gate. Children worked hard in earlier cultures because they helped the family survive. Today, adolescents in many cultures stand around with little or nothing to do. They have decreasing job opportunities. We have an over population problem. The organizations that mercifully flood third-world countries with condoms for AIDS protection are doing a significant work to help minimize this problem. You will have to make your own decision about the rightness or wrongness of handing out condoms in your local high school. Most Christians believe that passing out condoms lowers morals and encourages pre-marital sex. However, when children and adolescents do have babies outside of marriage, most all would agree that these circumstances aren’t good either for society or for the baby. Condoms may help prevent many unwanted babies from being born by parents who are often still children themselves. As far as I can determine, the only recorded case of birth control in the Bible was when Onan refused to follow the Israeli custom of fathering children by his sister-in-law, Tamar, after his brother Er passed away: And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar. And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. And Judah said unto Onan, “Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.” And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother (Genesis 38:6-9). This, rather primitive type of birth control, is still used today with varying degrees of success. When a pregnancy is terminated because the child is unwanted, then abortion is obviously being used as a birth control tool. I have no statistics to back up this next statement, but I imagine that, next to the pill and condoms—with close 1.2 million abortions occurring annually—abortion is the third most common method of birth control in the country. In Biblical times, life was considered to begin when a newborn took his/her first breath. At this moment the spirit (wind) entered the body and life began. This idea proliferated in most all cultures. It just made sense. A still-born child was never alive at all. Death, then, was considered to occur when the final breath was taken. With this sort of understanding, abortion was not considered murder. But wait a minute, the original Hippocratic Oath, devised in Greece around 400 B.C., forbids a physician from performing or assisting in an abortion: “I will not give a lethal drug to anyone if I am asked, nor will I advise such a plan; and similarly I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion.” A pessary is a mechanical device that, when inserted into the womb, causes enough irritation to unseat the fertilized ovum which is attached to the placenta—thus aborting the child. Of course, some women have the same sort of success with a coat hanger; but unfortunately, they sometimes bleed to death. Would it surprise you to know that many variations of the Hippocratic Oath have been composed over the years! Many cultures have taken it upon them selves to modernize it—as needed. The most recent versions make no mention of forbidding a physician from performing an abortion! (If you are interested in reading the original Hippocratic Oath, I have included it as an addendum at the conclusion of this Ask Roger answer.) Of course, no one today can honestly deny that life begins a conception. No one can deny that brain waves occur, and pain is felt, and hormones produce emotions, and thumbs are being sucked in the womb. An unborn child is coursing with life! I don’t understand how anyone can take part in an abortion and refuse to recognize that they are murdering a child. Finally, my answer would be woefully inadequate without mentioning the “morning after” pill. The morning after pill works to stop an unwanted pregnancy. The drug is commonly sold as Plan B One-Step®, Next Choice®, or ella® and can be effective up to five days after sex has occurred. When the drug stops ovulation or prohibits a sperm from joining with an egg, then no abortion has occurred’ On the other hand, the pill also works by preventing a fertilized egg from implanting in the placenta. As a result, the newly conceived human being is sloughed off into an environment outside the mother’s body incompatible with continued life. The key word here is “fertilized.” Since conception occurs at fertilization, the morning after pill has the same effect as the coat hanger. Murder transpires. Agustin, I really appreciate your question. I hope it helps you and many others as well. Love, Roger

During World War II, Lieutenant General Jonathan Mayhew Wainright was commander of the Allied Forces in the Phillippines. On may 6, 1942, following a heroic resistance of enemy forces, he was forced to surrender Corregidor and the survivors of the Philippine campaign. For three years he suffered as as a prisoner of war in a Manchurian camp. During his interment, he endured the incessant cruelties of malnutrition, physical and verbal abuse, and psychological mind games. Through it all, he maintained his dignity as a human being and soldier. But after the war ended, his captors continued to keep Wainwright and the other prisoners incarcerated. The war was over, but the bondage continued. One day an Allied plane landed in a field near the prison. Through the fence that surrounded the compound, an airman informed General Wainright of the enemy’s surrender and the American victory. Wainright immediately pulled his emaciated body to attention, turned and marched toward the command house, burst through the door, marched up to the camp’s commanding officer and said, “My commander-in-chief had conquered your commander-in-chief. I am now in charge of this camp.” In response to Wainwright’s declaration, the officer removed his sword, laid it on the table, and surrendered his command. For those who know Christ as Lord and Savior, the good news is this: Our Commander-in-Chief has conquered our enemies. Even though it is legally and positionally so, many Christians continue to live under the debilitating bondage of condemnation because they don’t understand or appropriate the victory and freedom that have already been provided. They stay in their inner prison, waiting for victory and subsequent deliverance. As long as the enemy keeps us bound, he can bluff us into accepting a defeatist attitude in which we think our only hope of freedom is when we finally reach heaven. But God’s promise of freedom is in the present tense. “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:57) NIV “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1) Don’t deal with condemnation alone. The Apostle Peter describes Satan as a roaring lion who is looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8) The analogyis accurate because a lion won’t attack a pack of animals; it waits until its prey is isolated from the rest of the group and then strikes when its victim is alone. When condemning thoughts and feelings come, share them with a Christian brother or sister you trust. Don’t try to resist them alone. “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12) This underscores the importance of having a group of close friends and loved ones with whom we can be open and vulnerable. It speaks powerfully to those who are married and to families: a deep, intimate marriage and close family ties or church fellowship help to keep us safe. When we vulnerably share with those who care for us on a regular basis, we keep ourselves in a safe environment. We stay close to “the pack.” When the enemy attacks, we’re not far from help!

My faith is grounded in history, supported by historical evidence. Therefore, my approach to history is critical. The modern approach precludes the possibility of the supernatural. I see that I must interpret history without prejudice, accepting God’s view as accurate, choosing to agree with God’s evaluation of the facts and refusing to believe my perspective as true. Evidence for my faith in Christ can be substantiated by the legal-historical method of proof. Many skeptics say, “This is an age of science, and I don’t accept anything unless it’s proven to me. Prove the resurrection to me scientifically! The biggest problem with religion is that its followers want us to believe without any proof. If you can’t prove scientifically what you’re saying, then it’s just not true. If you’re going to be dogmatic about Christianity, let’s have some proof!” The one who says, “I don’t accept anything until it’s proven to me scientifically,” faces a big problem. It would be very difficult (not to speak of inconvenient) to consistently live by that principle. The simplest things of life sometimes defy explanation. Fireflies, electricity, aging, digesting food, flying an airplane and even falling in love involve processes not altogether understood by even Pulitzer-prize-winning scientists! Those who insist that scientific proof is the only “true” proof are those who do not understand what scientific proof involved. I. Observe these two methods of proof. The two basic methods used to arrive at proof are the modern, scientific method (scientific proof) and the legal-historical methods (legal proof). We need to understand the difference so that we may discover the two of evidence that supports our faith in Christ. 1. The scientific method. Scientific proof is based upon demonstrating a fact by repeating an event in the presence of the person questioning the fact. It calls for duplicating the event over and over, noting and recording the results, before drawing a conclusion. “The scientific method, however, it is defined, is related to measurement of phenomena and experimentation or repeated observation” (The New Encyclopedia Britannica, Micropedia Vol. VIII, p. 985). The scientific method demands the use of a controlled environment (such as a laboratory) where: (1) observation can be made. (2) data is drawn. (3) a hypothesis is experimentally verified. The scientific method involves: * observation * gathering of data * theorizing * deduction * verification of facts by repeated experimentation. 2. The legal-historical method. Legal-historical proof is based upon showing that something is true beyond a reasonable doubt. That is, the truth of a matter is decided on the basis of the weight of the evidence. There must be no reasonable basis for doubt. The legal-historical method depends upon three types of testimony: (1) oral testimony (2) written testimony (3) physical testimony (exhibits). This is the same type of evidence that is valid in a court of law. The exhibits admissible in a court case would include a gun, a bullet or an article of clothing; written testimony could include a letter or handwritten instructions or deposition; and an eyewitness report would be an oral testimony. The jury reaches a verdict on the basis of the weight of the testimony presented. II. Limitations of proof 1. The scientific method. Because the scientific method is based upon experimentation, it is severely limited in proving past events, and is useful only in proving repeatable events. Science cannot answer questions about a person or an event in history. If the scientific method was the only legitimate method for proving something, you couldn’t prove that you went to work that morning or that you had your lunch today! There is no way you can repeat these events in a controlled situation. So the scientific method isn’t appropriate for answering questions that relate to past events. 2. The legal-historical method. While the legal-historical method can provide convincing proof about the resurrection, the reliability of the Bible or the actual facts of the Christian faith, it does have its limits. When the question is asked, “Can Christianity be proven with 100 percent certainty?” we must answer truthfully, “No.” But that doesn’t leave us without any proof. The decisive question in historical research is, “What is the most probable explanation for the evidence at hand?” One cannot establish 100 percent certainty through legal proof, but probability puts the matter beyond any reasonable doubt. This should not surprise us. We base nearly all our decisions on probability. A jury bases its verdict on the most logical explanation of the weight of the evidence. An auto accident or robbery cannot be repeated in a courtroom. No reasonable doubt must exist, but if the jury waited until it established 100 percent certainty before rendering a verdict, the case could not be settled! Based upon the application of the legal-historical method, frequently heard statements by non-believers are: “You can’t prove that Jesus Christ rose from the dead. I won’t believe it until I have some proof.” “If God is real, why doesn’t He just come down, introduce Himself and shake hands with me? Then I’d believe Him.” “You can’t believe the Bible. Science has proven that miracles aren’t possible.” 1. Scientific proof. The evidence supporting the faith of a Christian is based in history. Therefore, the scientific method of proof is not applicable. The scientific method can be used only to prove repeatable events, and is therefore not appropriate for dealing with matters of history. 2. Legal-historical proof. The evidence for the faith of a Christian is based on the record of God’s acts in history and on the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The legal-historical method of proof is designed to investigate matters of history. If we wished to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, or other figures or history existed, we would apply the legal-historical method. Based upon this same method, the truth of Christianity can be established beyond any reasonable doubt. The weight of the evidence points overwhelmingly to the validity of Christ’s claims and the reliability of the Scripture. As you grow in your faith, pray this prayer: “Lord Jesus, I thank You for the written testimony of Your Word that has been so miraculously preserved for us and assures us of who we are and what You are. I’m grateful You have provided a way to be assured intellectually and spiritually of Your involvement in our world and in my life. You don’t leave us alone to guess but You provide adequate proof of Your individual love and concern for me. My faith is strengthened as I see You as a real person whom I can know better and better each day. Amen.” FOR FURTHER REFERENCE “Can Christianity be proved?” Read “Answers to Tough Questions”, pages 145-146. Read “What About Science?” chapter 3 of “More Than a Carpenter”, pages 36-40, for a concise explanation of the scientific and legal methods of proof. Note also the ineffectiveness of the scientific method in refuting the evidence for the resurrection in “The Resurrection Factor”, pages 21-22. Apply the legal-historical method to the resurrection by reading “Evidence That Demands a Verdict”, pages 189-195.

A little boy had a part in the school play that read, “It is I, be not afraid.” He came out on stage and said, “It’s me and I’m scared!” Fear is an emotion common to humanity. Even the Apostle Paul testified to his struggle with fear: “For when we came into Macedonia…we were harassed at every turn…conflicts on the outside, fears within.” 2 Corinthians 7:6; and he shared with the Corinthian church that, “I came to you in weakness and fear and with much trembling.” 1 Corinthians 2:3. Initial feelings of fear can be normal and even healthy. But fear, if left unresolved, can become detrimental. Fear can cause physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, high blood pressure, chest pain, shortness of breath, fatigue, lightheadedness, panic attacks, or intense headaches. Fear can also impact our behavior toward others. For instance, we can become controlling, intolerant and critical of others, and unable to take on the challenges we face. Like the rabbit in headlights, we remain frozen. What are our sources of fear? From where do they originate? Past hurts can lead to present fear. Any traumatic event-a painful divorce, a car accident, a debilitating illness can cause us to fear what’s ahead. The hurt we experienced must be properly dealt with before the fear will subside. Lies from Satan and our own self-talk can immobilize us. Satan is called the father of lies (John 8:44), which implies that he tells a lot of them, and he’s good at it. Often, his lies are intended to make us fearful. For example, you will read an article in the newspaper about teenage drug abuse and Satan will suggest, “Your kid will become part of the drug culture.” Lies can often be self-inflicted. Our minds will wander aimlessly, inadvertently attach to a random thought and embrace and embellish it. Perhaps you live with the nagging thought that you will never amount to anything. You live with the fear of failure every day. We can also fear the unusual and the unknown. Perhaps the disciples were feeling anxious about the unknown when Jesus announced that after three years of being together, He was going to leave them. Anxious thoughts no doubt raced through their hearts: “What are we going to do after Jesus leaves? Just fish and collect taxes again?” Jesus, sensing their anxiety, said to them, “Do not let your hearts by troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me.” John 14:1. So how do we gain victory over fear? Here are a few simple suggestions. The mental dimension of fear is ministered to by truth. (John 8:32). The emotional dimension of fear is ministered to by perfect love. ((1 John 4:18). The volitional dimension of fear is ministered to by faith (Luke 8:25). John 8:32 says that the truth will set us free. When our fear is based on lies, truth will help bring relief. 1 John 4:18 teaches that “Perfect love casts out all fear.” Perfect love can be expressed by a reassuring presence from a loved one, a concerted effort to write, call or visit the person on a regular basis. Don’t leave them out in the cold. Perfect love is expressed by caring involvement. Helping the person to drive again after they have been in a car accident, being trustworthy for a friend who has been betrayed, listening to them as they process their fearful emotions are ways to show “perfect love.” As we look through the future, we can view it through the lens of fear or the lens of faith. Just as fear is future-oriented (we do not fear the past), faith is future-oriented. God promises, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…your Heavenly Father knows what you need…But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:25,32-33. Never face your fears alone. Jesus is there to meet you in the midst of your fear. God wants us to bear each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and that includes sharing and bearing the fears and anxieties of those who are paralyzed by fear. Wouldn’t it be profitable to share with someone who loves you, all the fears and anxieties with which you struggle, and to be able to do that on a regular basis? This is God’s design and will! Ferguson, David, and McMinn, Don. Emotional Fitness. Irving Texas: Intimacy Press, 2003, pp. 69-78.

How can my words deceive others? We can often speak untruths in the name of “etiquette” or “fearing what others think. Here are just a few ways we can compromise our integrity by speaking half-truths. 1. Exaggeration “All the words of my mouth are in righteousness; there is nothing froward [crooked] or perverse in them” (Prov. 8:8 KJV). • Do I exaggerate past accomplishments? • Am I exaggerating the results or fruits of my efforts in serving the Lord? • Am I overstating the truth by using words like “always” and “never?” • Do I make sweeping generalizations about people or situations? • Do I embellish details to make a story more humorous or interesting? • Am I overstating (or understating) the seriousness of a situation in order to make a point or for greater effect? 2. Flattery “Everyone lies to his neighbor; their flattering lips speak with deception” (Ps. 12:2). (Flattery is saying things to others that you wouldn’t say behind their back. Slander is saying things about others that you wouldn’t say to their face.) • Do I give insincere praise? • Do I compliment another to enhance my own reputation in his or her eyes? 3. Lying “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful” (Prov. 12:22). • Am I slandering someone—spreading false reports with the intent to inflict hurt? • Am I answering direct questions with untruths in order to protect my reputation? • Do I falsify time cards, employment applications, expense reports, or tax returns for personal benefit? 4. Misleading “For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men” (2 Cor. 8:21) . • Do I leave a false impression (even though my spoken words may be true)? • Do I communicate facts selectively to influence others for my own purposes? • Have I ever given misleading references to prospective employers? 5. Inaccuracy “We trust we have a good conscience, in all things willing to live honestly” (Heb. 13:18 KJV). • Do I fail to verify the facts before repeating a story? • Am I careless with regard to factual details of stories? • Am I failing to speak precisely or to make sure that my words are literally true? 6. Deception “Deliver my soul, O Lord, . . . from a deceitful tongue” (Ps. 120:2 KJV). • Do I ever attempt to create a better impression of myself than is honestly true? • Am I allowing people to say things that are untrue about another person while implying consent by my silence? • Do I give the impression that I am more spiritually mature and committed than is actually true? • Am I allowing my mate to believe that I am morally pure and faithful, when I have failed morally? • Have I covered up sins of my past? 7. Hypocrisy “Like a coating of glaze over earthenware are fervent lips with an evil heart” (Prov. 26:23). • Do I speak kindly to another while harboring hatred or bitterness in my heart? • Do I praise another to his face while criticizing him behind his back? 8. Inconsistency “For I am the Lord, I change not” (Mal. 3:6 KJV). • Am I flip-flopping on issues, depending on my “audience?” • Do I say what I know the other person wants to hear, rather than what I really believe? • Do I put a different spin on matters, depending on who I am talking to? 9. Guile “Blessed is the man . . . in whose spirit there is no guile” (Ps. 32:2, KJV). • Am I maintaining hidden agendas and ulterior motives when dealing with people? • Do I look for loopholes in a contract, rather than honoring the intent and spirit of the agreement? 10. Broken promises “Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary? . . . [He] who keeps his oath even when it hurts” (Psalm 15:1, 4). • Do I promise to pray for someone and then neglect to do so? • Do I agree to be somewhere at a certain time or to meet a need, but fail to do so? • Am I failing to fulfill a financial obligation? © Revive Our Hearts. Used with permission. www.ReviveOurHearts.com Info@ReviveOurHearts.com

Humanism, Paganism and Relativism have all impacted today’s churches in one way or another. High on man, soft on sin, grey on truth, apathy and consumerism can foster the fatal flaws of the churches in Revelation 3 in our day. In recent years, there has been a denial of the cardinal doctrines of the Christian faith from church leaders. This leaves a greater spiritual vacuum in the world, which invites people who have spiritual needs to go elsewhere to have them satisfied. Moreover, some church leaders who have forsaken the gospel have themselves become practitioners of the occult, causing a follow-the-leader mentality in many former churchgoers. The classic example from church history would be the late Episcopal bishop, James Pike, who rejected the church’s belief in the deity of Christ, His virgin birth, and other central truths. After the suicide death of his son, Pike began to consult mediums, including the famous Arthur Ford, in an attempt to contact the spirit of his dead son. Pike became a firm believer in life after death from his occultic involvement rather than from Biblical doctrine and took many people with him to the dark world of the occult. When the church “waters down” the gospel of Christ, the door to occultic practice swings wide open. Our age seems to have a fascination with evil, the bizarre and the inexplicable. It thrives on horror and repulsion. Guised as innocent romance, the Twilight saga fosters blood cult practice, cutting and vampirism. Even Christian teenagers are caught up in the pop phenomenon. Unfortunately, curiosity for black magic is not neutral. An individual cannot get involved without adverse effects. There is a “spiritual” reality in the occultic experience which attracts many people to it. All of us desire some sort of ultimate answer for life’s basic questions, and the world of the occult gladly supplies the answers. The astrologist will chart your future. Even prophetic words given in church, untested, can be misleading if not tested through the lens of scriptural principles. “Discernment of spirits,” if practiced as a spiritual gift by carnal Christians who have past occultic involvement, can lead to clairvoyance. The Ouija board promises you direction, and the medium talking to the spirit of your dead relative informs you that things are fine in the nest world. Saul consulted a medium to talk with the spirit of Samuel the prophet. 1 Samuel 28:7-29:1 There are many indications that we are living at the end of the age with the return of Jesus Christ on the horizon. If this is the case, then we should expect to see an increase in demonic activity as Christ’s coming nears, for this is the clear teaching of Scripture: “But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons.” 1 Timothy 4:1. Jesus Christ said that at the end of the age, “…false Christs and false prophets will arise, and will show signs and wonders, in order, is possible, to lead the elect astray.” Mark 13:22. Thus, Scripture indicates that occultic activity would be on the rise shortly before the second coming of Jesus Christ. Jesus gave us some guidelines for protection in the Sermon on the Mount. “The lamp of the body is the sys,” He said. “If therefore your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!” Matthew 6:22-23 We must be in whole-hearted agreement with Jesus. Our behavior needs to be guarded by the light of God’s Word, which also means we need to be careful about what we allow to enter our body through our senses-especially our eyes and ears. Walk wisely. Stay in the Word. “Be shrewd as snakes, and innocent as doves.” Matthew 10:16 Josh McDowell, The Occult. San Bernadino, California: Life Publishers, 1992, pp.22-26.

Rape, robbery, suicide, and the ravages of combat are just a few of the circumstances that can cause post-traumatic stress disorder. As pastors and concerned friends and family members, it is important to realize the stages these victims will experience and assist them on the road to healing. Obviously, PTSD victims need professional help to heal, if at all possible. But here are a few insights into what a person who has been “violated” might face. The Impact Stage This period occurs immediately after the traumatic event and is characterized by shock, denial and loneliness. A victim of a robbery will sometimes go through denial by stating that they possibly misplaced or lost the stolen items. They experience confusion and their defenses are weakened. They feel that their sense of control has been taken away. How to Help It is important that the caregiver “give back” some of this control by doing only what they give permission to do, and allowing them to do as much for themselves as they desire. The Recoil Stage The victim begins to come to terms with the loss during this stage. Their fragmented lives slowly come together as they continue to talk and bring some order to their daily existence. The victims begin to engage in recuperative rhythm as they deal with the crime/trauma and the emotions it aroused and then defending against them by denial. Mood swings-moving from controlled to raw emotions, especially fear and anger will be experienced, as well as anger with God because He “allowed” it to happen. The main question the victim is trying to answer at this stage is the reason this event occurred, or an attempt at making this pain go away. How to Help The victim will have to be assured that God has not abandoned them. They wonder why God allowed this to happen to them instead of another person. They need comfort, prayer and continuous ministry of scripture concerning God’s love and care. The Reorganization Stage During this stage, the victim has resolved their experiences and integrated them into their understanding of the world and themselves. The amount of time this takes is determined by several variables. First, the severity of the catastrophe. The more traumatic the experience, the longer it takes for them to heal. Secondly, the depth of the loss will be a factor. In the case of a robbery, the meaning attached to the articles stolen will be a factor. Try to understand this by asked about the items stolen. Thirdly, the life skills of the person must be taken into account. Some have not learned healthy coping skills. They have not learned how to deal with their emotions. Fourth, the responses from family members can be healing or detrimental to them in their recovery process. Sometimes family members will not be empathetic to the victims. They get advice to simply “get over it,” or other comments such as “the items will be replaced” or “life goes on.” How to Help Listening and patience as the victim processes is essential. Don’t minimize their pain. Recognize signs of PTSD and help the victim to discuss their feelings of vulnerability and anger. Learn as much as you can about post-traumatic stress so that you can be an informed friend or loved one. Help them find a counselor, especially a Christian counselor. Just as the Holy Spirit is the paraclete (One who comes alongside), come alongside the injured person. “Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

As I have studied the Scripture, observed others’ lives, and seen deeper glimpses of my own heart over the years, I have come to realize that no one—no matter how spiritual—is exempt from the potential of succumbing to moral temptation. I have also become convinced that any woman can bring about the moral downfall of any man—no matter how godly. This is one area of our lives where we can never afford to be less than vigilant. According to God’s Word, a vow is a serious, binding commitment to God and not to be made or taken lightly. I have only made a few vows to the Lord. One of those sacred commitments is the vow to be morally pure. This is such a serious matter to me, that I have asked the Lord to take my life before I would jeopardize a marriage or come between any man and his wife. I have often been in a position where it would have been possible to cultivate an inappropriate relationship with a married man—or at the very least to make incremental compromises that could have fueled sinful desires in my own heart or in someone else’s heart. Why Do We Need Personal “Hedges”? Over the years, the Lord has led me to develop a set of “hedges” (boundaries) in relation to the men that I have served with and related to in various settings. Those hedges have been a powerful safeguard and protection—for my own heart, for those men and their marriages, for my reputation, and most importantly, for the reputation of Christ. I have been blessed to serve alongside of many men who have strong hearts for God. But I never assume that I (or they) are beyond being tempted and falling. The Enemy eagerly looks for opportunities to cause God’s children to fall. Let me explain the concept of “hedges” a bit more clearly. By “hedges,” I mean boundaries we establish in our relationships with individuals of the opposite sex. (My focus in this piece is particularly on our relationships as women with married men.) Just as hedges surround our property to protect and surround what is ours, and define what is not ours, we also need hedges in our relationships. Once those hedges are in place, they need to be carefully maintained. Each woman needs to know her own areas of weakness and vulnerability—especially if she has not been morally pure in the past—and adjust her hedges as needed, for greater protection. My personal “hedges” have been developed as I have watched others—and myself, at times—deal with difficult or tempting circumstances in relationships with members of the opposite sex. Another word picture I have found helpful is the concept of “guardrails.” Anyone who has driven on a narrow mountain road knows how crucial a guardrail is for safety. Staying within the guardrails provides protection from falling off the edge of the mountain, but it represents more than that; it represents freedom. Guardrails do indeed “restrict” us, but they also free us to drive without fear. Restrictions or Protections? For those who may consider these principles “legalistic,” I would suggest that far from being restrictive, these “hedges” have allowed me to enjoy healthy, wholesome friendships with the men with whom I work and serve, as well as with their wives and children. Adhering to these practices has allowed me to have a part in strengthening marriages and family relationships. I am not suggesting that all of these “hedges” are biblical absolutes or that violating any of these would necessarily be sin. However, after seeing the anguish and heartbreak of broken marriage covenants brought about by the entrance of a “third party,” I have come to believe that these are wise parameters and that those who violate them do so at their own peril. Helpful Guidelines This is not an exhaustive list or a guarantee against infidelity. These are simply some of my personal “hedges”—principles that have served me well during many years of working alongside married men. It was never my intent to publish this list. However, as I have shared this concept of establishing personal “hedges,” I have often been asked if I would be willing to share mine. Further, I have watched enough naïve or foolish women (and men) act in inappropriate ways toward the opposite sex—and then been called upon to pick up the wreckage left behind—that I felt it would be helpful to share these specific examples . My “hedges” reflect my desire to be discreet and not to defraud the men around me—through my speech, actions, dress, or attitudes. To some who have been influenced by our permissive culture, these standards will probably seem excessive. To which I would simply ask: what’s it worth to you to avoid the devastating consequences of adultery? It’s hard to imagine how an adulterous relationship could develop if these precautions were maintained. For those who don’t know me personally, you might think this approach borders on being obsessive. However, I have found that as I hold to biblical convictions and keep specific practical “hedges” of this nature in place, I don’t have to “obsess” about guarding my heart or having pure relationships. I can trust God to work in and through me as I relate to men in godliness, purity, and wisdom. It is my prayer that God will lead you as you seek to establish effective “hedges” and “guardrails” for your own life, and that you will experience the freedom, joys, and blessings of “keeping your heart with all diligence.” Practical “Hedges” in working with married men Most of my contact with married men has been in the context of the workplace—working and serving together in ministry. A huge percentage of emotional and physical “affairs” begin in the workplace. The following “hedges” are specifically targeted toward relationships with married men in the workplace, but most could be applied more broadly to relationships in other settings, including the church, school, counseling situations, social or community groups, etc. These “hedges” are not necessarily a measurement of spirituality—it would be possible to abide by a list twice this long and still have an impure heart or be guilty of self-righteousness. No “list” can be a substitute for sincere love for Christ and a heart to please Him. This is not a comprehensive list; these are merely some practical guidelines that I have found to be helpful and would urge you to consider as you develop your own “hedges” for relationships and become accountable to God and others for maintaining them. As a rule, the closer the working relationship with a married colleague of the opposite sex, the higher and more “inflexible” the hedges need to be. Reduce Opportunities for Temptation or Accusation • If it is necessary to meet alone, keep the door ajar or meet in a room with a window. Don’t meet in private places; be sure others are in the vicinity. • Always have a third party if required to travel together. Don’t ride alone together in a vehicle. • When traveling for business or ministry, stay on different floors of the hotel, unless he is accompanied by his wife. • No meals together without a third party. (I realize that in many business settings, it is considered “standard practice” to meet, travel, or dine with members of the opposite sex. But I am convinced that is risky at best and foolish at worst. In our ministry, maintaining these particular hedges often requires inconvenience or additional expense. But it’s a small price to pay if you care about being above reproach morally, guarding your heart, protecting others’ marriages, and, above all, glorifying God.) • Don’t flirt! Be careful about even “innocent” playfulness and teasing—especially when you are alone with each other. (He should have more “fun” with his wife than with any other woman!) • Dress modestly. (Provocative clothing sends an invitation to a party you have no right to throw.) • Keep your hands to yourself. Don’t invite, receive, or initiate intimate forms of physical contact (i.e., embracing, kissing, caressing, stroking, etc.). Refuse to Participate in Conversations That May Damage Relationships • Don’t listen to him speak critically of his wife. Praise his wife to him and others. Never criticize her to him or to others. • Don’t provide a listening ear for him to share his marital difficulties or tensions at home. • Don’t confide personal or emotional concerns unless his wife or a third party is present. • Avoid expressing admiration for physical characteristics, clothing, etc. • Have a grateful spirit, but be discreet and restrained in offering verbal or written encouragement, even for godly characteristics. His need/desire for admiration should appropriately be fueled by his wife! • Be discreet and restrained in expressing admiration for him to others. • No secrets! Don’t communicate anything to him (verbally or in writing) that you would not be comfortable with him sharing with his wife (unless you’re planning a surprise birthday party for her!). Never ask that he refrain from sharing something with his wife. • In written and verbal communication, include references to his wife (e.g., “How is _______doing?” “Tell ______ I said ‘hello.’” “I am so grateful for you and ________.” “You and________ have been on my heart.”) Respect Co-workers’ Marriages and Family Relationships • Don’t establish a close working relationship, unless you know his wife and have a positive relationship with her. (I realize this may not be possible in some work environments. But I have found this an enormously helpful principle. The more closely you work with him, the more important this is.) • Copy his wife on any email communication that relates to personal matters (including spiritual issues). (I can’t emphasize this enough. Email can be an incredibly subtle avenue for inappropriate communication and cultivating “intimacy.”) • Don’t call him at home unnecessarily. Be considerate—if his wife or a child answers the phone, take time to connect with them before asking to speak with him. • Be sensitive to periods that he and his wife may not have had a lot of time together, and limit time spent working together accordingly. Exercise the same caution if you have reason to believe there may be tension or stress in his marriage. • When with the couple, include her in the conversation. If discussing work-related matters, explain what you’re talking about, so she doesn’t feel left out or “in the dark.” • Show genuine interest in his wife and look for opportunities to bless, serve, and encourage her—birthdays, special occasions, needs you can meet, etc. • Look for opportunities to minister to them as a couple (and family)—anniversaries, gifts for date nights, etc. • Be a genuine and loving friend to his wife and children. Show an interest in what interests them. • If his wife has any concerns or hesitations regarding his relationship with you, get out of the way! Request a transfer or quit your job if necessary. She may be overly-sensitive; she may be a “terrible wife.” There may be “nothing going on” between you and her husband. Regardless, it is your responsibility to do everything in your power to encourage and protect their marriage. Do not let yourself become a wedge in his relationship with his wife—for any reason. Respond to God’s Spirit for Maximum Protection • Don’t allow a mental, emotional, or spiritual bond between you that is more intimate than what he has with his wife. Ask the Lord to prompt you when you are getting too close. • Be accountable. Share your “hedges” with one or more close women friends who will commit to ask periodically whether you are maintaining them. • If you find yourself being tempted mentally or emotionally, share with a mature, female confidant, for purposes of accountability. Don’t wait until you’re in trouble to reach out for help! • If another believer expresses concern about your relationship with a married man, don’t dismiss their caution. The wise person listens to and heeds counsel! • Depend on the indwelling Spirit of God to guard your heart, direct your steps, and protect your relationships. Remember that these “hedges” are not intended to be a burden, but a blessing—not to put you in prison, but to help protect you and others. And remember that no list of “rules” can make you holy. Look to Christ—seek to love Him supremely. Be sensitive to the leading of His Spirit. Follow Him. Depend on His grace to guard your heart. He is the one who is able to “keep you from falling” (Jude 24). Making it Personal Write a prayer responding to what you have just read. • Express your commitment to be pure in your relationships with men (whether married or single). • Ask God to show you what practical “hedges” need to be in place in your life and to give you grace to maintain those safeguards. • If you are in a situation where you are vulnerable to temptation or have developed an inappropriate relationship with a man, record what steps you intend to take to obey God and be pleasing to Him in this matter. • Ask God to guard your heart, to make your life a reflection of the purity and love of Christ, and to help you be a blessing rather than a hindrance to the men around you and to their wives and children. My Personal “Hedges” Make a list of specific “hedges” that you believe need to be in place in your relationships with married men. (Over the years, I have added to and refined my own list. I am still growing and learning in this matter. As you grow, ask the Lord to make you aware of additional “hedges” that may be needed in your life.) Remember that these “hedges” are not intended to be a burden, but a blessing—not to put you in prison, but to help protect you and others. And remember that no list of “rules” can make you holy. Look to Christ—seek to love Him supremely. Be sensitive to the leading of His Spirit. Follow Him. Depend on His grace to guard your heart. He is the one who is able to “keep you from falling” (Jude 24). “I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. . . . By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you.” (2 Timothy 1:12, 14) © Revive Our Hearts. Used with permission. www.ReviveOurHearts.com. Info@ReviveOurHearts.com