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How do you develop a healthy, balanced life style and manage the stressors of life well? Let’s look at three different aspects of your life: emotions, relationships, and spirituality. First of all, let’s examine each aspect of your life as a wheel with a hub and spokes. The Emotional Wheel: The Emotional Hub = Trust in your God-given mind and emotions. God created us with the ability to think and feel. When we’re more in touch with ourselves, we can see the “red light” going off on the dashboard that says things like, “Danger, get out of this relationship,” or “Draw a boundary here.” Vertical Spokes = Stimulation and Quiet… When you think about stimulation, think about how busy you are and try to judge your level of peace like Goldilocks, when she described the porridge, if it’s “too hot,” “too cold,” or “just right.” And when you think about quiet, think about times to relax and to be silent. “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm. 46:10. Horizontal Spokes = Learning and Work… Learning =mental activity to help to protect you from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. Engage in activities such as reading, education, classes in a church, crossword puzzles, reading or Sudoku. Work = proper amount of work and also satisfaction… If you are working over 50 hours per week, generally that’s where you see a slow decline of health. If you’re retired, you need a hobby, volunteer work, and social activity.] The Relational Wheel: The Relational Hub = Trust in People and Relationships… Don’t be like the gun-shy fellow that defined a friend in the following manner: “A friend is just an enemy you haven’t upset yet.” Vertical Spokes = Parents, Children, and Spouse. Regarding parents: We need connection + flexibility. The same principle applies to foster parents, adoptive parents, or grandparents. Regarding marriage… Rate your marital satisfaction from 1 to 4… And if you’re cohabiting with someone – not married – from a health standpoint, you generally can’t go higher than a 2, as research shows that the health benefits for married couples aren’t the same for those who live together. Horizontal Spokes = Extended Family, Friends, and Support Groups… Utilize the same criteria of connection and flexibility. Friends : People who don’t have others to confide in and who feel that no one cares for them are 3-5 times as likely to suffer premature death or disease. And by the same token, having friends who are harmful or negative is just as unhealthy as having no friends. The Spiritual Wheel: Hub = Trust in God Vertical Spokes = Prayer and Meditation are essential. Talking to God at a set time… or even throughout the day is indispensable to a balanced spiritual life. Meditation involves listening to God, which includes meditating on God’s Word. Horizontal Spokes = Fellowship in a Faith Community and Faith Sharing Faith community includes friends in from church, or fellowship groups. They can provide accountability, encouragement and a fresh perspective. “There’s no neutral place inside of us to go.” Going it alone in our faith is usually a formula for stagnation and decline. Faith sharing implies it is important to have relationships outside of our faith community, and to share our faith either through our example, our testimony, or both – as God leads. “A drop in, a drop out.” Now, connect the dots with curved lines and see how round your wheels look. “It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes (or will practice them both).” Ecclesiastes 7:18

We have established that there are abundant references to instrumental music in the Old Testament, specifically in the Psalms and under the Davidic tradition of worship, but what about the New Testament? Some denominations claim that there are no references to worship with instruments in the New Testament, and since we are under the New Covenant, we should not use instruments in Christian worship, but is this really true? Let’s look closer, by examining two familiar New Testament worship passages, which are pillar three in the Biblical foundations of instrumental music in worship. “Speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;” (Ephesians 5:19) “Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” (Colossians 3:16) Notice that both of these passages encourage the use of psalms in worship, and what have we learned in pillar one about the use of the Psalms? Many of them are associated with the use of musical instruments, either through the psalm headings or direct references in the text. The most notable one is Psalm 150, with its reference to all four families of instruments. Through this link to the Psalms, we see that both these passages contain an implied reference to the use of instruments in worship. As we look a little closer at the latter half of Ephesians 5:19, we discover an even more direct reference to using instruments in worship. The apostle Paul, who wrote both Ephesians and Colossians, says that we should sing and “make melody” with our heart to the Lord. The Greek word, translated “make melody” in the NASB, is psallo. The original meaning of this word is “to pluck the strings of an instrument.” In fact, one of the most respected commentators on the book of Ephesians, Markus Barth, translates this verse, “Talk to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and play to the Lord from your heart.” This is more than just an implied reference to instrumental music; it almost sounds like a direct command to praise God with instruments! Finally, let us examine the context of the verse in Colossians, by looking at the verse that follows it, Colossians 3:17: “And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.” Whatever you do, including playing an instrument, can and should be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, with a thankful heart.

Sine cera was a term in ancient Israel that guaranteed a clay pot was “without wax.” Wax was used by salesmen to cover imperfections that occurred during the firing. The retailer was passing off a defective product by deceiving the buyer. When we pretend to live a life “without wax,” we are demonstrating “insincerity.” Integrity means completeness, no duality in what you say and what you do. The opposite of integrity then is hypocrisy. It’s been said that integrity is not only the way one thinks but the way one acts. Integrity is not wearing a cross around your neck, then coming to church, acting like a Christian, and then going home and being a mean (verbally cutting, hateful) or abusive husband, a disrespectful wife, or an uninterested parent. That’s duality, that’s hypocrisy, but not integrity. Integrity means that you don’t hold or profess you’re a Christian, but in your job you do a bad product, you’re rebellious against your boss, you gossip, you act unethically, and you lie…that’s hypocrisy. Integrity is what you are, reputation is what people think you are. You cannot be truly successful in life when you are disrespected by the living here because you lack integrity. Integrity was so important to Jesus that He made sure He paid the temple tax and Peter’s portion as well even though He didn’t have to (Matt. 17:24-27). Integrity was so important to Paul that he made sure he had two other people with him when he was collecting money from the churches for the poor Christians back in Jerusalem. He wanted to make sure that no one could discredit him so it says he ‘took precaution’ (2 Cor. 8:16-20). Paul protected his integrity because it is that important. Samuel stood before the people he led for decades, and now at the end of his life, he asked that if he had taken anything from anybody, or cheated anybody, oppressed anybody, or taken a bribe from anybody, for them to let him know and he would make it right. It says that no one stood to say anything. In other words, no one had an ought against him because honesty, and integrity had permeated every area of his life. He held himself accountable to the people he led, and opened himself up to the scrutiny of everyone with whom he had ever had dealings, and no one had anything against him. Wow, that’s a life of integrity! We need leaders in the church like that today. If you don’t have integrity it will affect you and your ability to lead and minister. If you don’t have integrity it will affect those closest to you. It is awfully difficult for a woman to respect a man who will profess to be a Christian on Sunday, but live abusively the other 6 days. It is hard for a child to live in a home where there is duality. If you don’t have integrity you’re also going to affect what you can do for God. God cannot truly use a man or woman who lacks integrity (see also Samson). What do you do ? You get your life straight. You reconcile if you need to with those you hurt do to your duality. You look at yourself in the mirror, and don’t leave unchanged. You start crossing your T’s and dotting your I’s. You start ‘taking precaution’ so no one can discredit you. You’ll never be perfect but you work on never letting your life have holes poked in it due to a lack of integrity. Always remember that having lived a life of integrity is one of the greatest statements that can be made about you at the end of your life. It’s also one of greatest evangelistic tools you have in your arsenal because people will be open to receiving the Gospel from a man or woman who lives a true life of integrity. “A good name is to be desired more than great wealth.” Proverbs 22:1 I hope this has challenged and helped you in your walk with Christ.

In my own admittedly limited experience, I’ve found that one of the most important aspects in my walk with God is keeping my mind grounded in the truth of Christ. When I neglect to spend time with Him or begin to place my energy and focus elsewhere, I slowly begin to believe things about God, myself, and others that are not true. For whatever reason, I very easily forget the reality of God’s grace, where I stand in light of that grace, and the calling on my life to love those around me. Perhaps this is partly due to the fact that God’s grace and its implications are completely counterintuitive truths – seemingly too good to be true, especially as I continue to struggle with sin. Nevertheless, the truth of His love endures, shining through our imperfections and shortcomings. In order to grow, we must be relentless in our fight against the father of all lies (Jn 8:44), while continually desiring a deeper knowledge of our Savior. In the media-saturated, self-centered culture that many of us find ourselves in, we are literally bombarded by lies throughout the course our daily lives. A few years ago, I had the privilege of going to a one-year Bible school in scenic Estes Park, Colorado. One of the Bible professors was an advocate of an activity he called “Spot the Lie.” He would play a song or show us an advertisement and ask us to identify what false presupposition (i.e. assumed truth) lay beneath the given piece of media. It’s amazing what happens when you step back and examine what we are being spoon-fed as a culture. Listen to a radio commercial break next time you are in your car and see how many lies you can glean from the string of ads that play between the music. You need to buy our pre-packaged meal system in order to lose enough weight to be acceptably thin. You need to buy these car stereo speakers to get noticed. If you care about her, you’ll buy your engagement ring from us… In addition to being aware the lies of culture and media, we as Christians must consistently be on guard against the schemes of the devil. Jesus asserts in John 10 that “the thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” Having been saved by grace and secured in Christ, Satan and the forces of darkness aim to steal away the rest and joy that is found in Christ’s salvation. I find that I must constantly step back and ask myself if the thoughts that I harbor are true to the reality of God’s Word, while resting in the truth of Jesus words which immediately followed those quoted above: “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Let’s continue to seek after the fullness of life in Christ while taking captive the lies that will most certainly be thrown at us. Let’s rest in the liberating truth of what He has already done! For further reading on Satan, demons, and the battle of the mind, check out The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis

Spiritual leaders & teachers come in all kinds of shapes, sizes, rank, stations of life, intelligence, experiences, education, gender, race, nationality, geography, looks, age, up bringing, church affiliation, heritage, and address. The key is that spiritual leaders & teachers are called of God to lead and/or teach in His appointed time and place. The vision shaper, the godly leader follows this biblical model: “Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained.” (Proverbs 28:18) As a Christ-following leader, the spiritual leader obeys God’s Word: “If you will fear the Lord and listen to His voice, . . . then both you and your king who reigns over you will follow the Lord your God.” (I Samuel 12:14) The spiritual leader is also a learner-motivator: “He gave some as . . . teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ.” (Ephesians 4:11-12) Effective leaders are those whose inspiring influence prompts others to follow. While their style, level of intelligence, method of motivation, and personal involvement may differ widely, those people who are most successful possess the same trait–they have the ability to care about and for people. For example, a great leader follows Paul’s advice to be a role model: “For you yourselves know, brethren, that our coming to you was not in vain, but after we had already suffered and been mistreated in Philippi, as you know, we had the boldness in our God to speak to you the Gospel of God amid much opposition.” (I Thess.2:1-2) An effective godly leader intercedes for those whom he leads: “Then falling on his knees, he cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them. Having said this, he fell asleep”. (Acts 8:60) A great leader is also a behavior-changer: “And they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as everyone had need.” (Acts 2:45) A Scripture-wise leader sees those who follow him through the eyes of Christ. Helping them develop their Kingdom value must have priority over their value to their leader or his organization. The leader is a planner: The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty. (Proverbs 21:5) A spiritual leader is a Scripture-searcher: “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the Word of Truth.” (2 Timothy 2:15) And finally, the spiritual leader is a value-shaper, as Jesus said: “But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, . . . for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:20-21)

How many of you have ever had to forgive anyone? Was there ever a downside to it? Many studies have proven that childhood trauma and emotional trauma from the stresses of life take a toll on us physically. In one survey of 20,000 adults in San Diego: those who suffered physical and emotional abuse as children were more likely to develop serious illness such as heart disease, asthma, bronchitis, diabetes and cancer. Dozens of studies about the effects of stress: reduced immune system and damage to the circulatory system. Clearly, we must make peace with our past. Martha Stewart quipped “we have to make peace with the dust bunnies in our lives.” Here’s an acrostic to remember: F = Forgiving is highly healthy – Do it for your own sake, if nothing else. O = Organize your thoughts by journaling R/E = Review your experience – Try to see it from the other person’s point of view, including what they’ve been through. G = Give the boot to anger, bitterness and regret – Be honest about the hurt and fear underneath the anger, and ask for God’s help. You may need to confess to someone. I = Invest in removing resentment – You may have to seek healing in a relationship. V = Victory comes in finally forgiving others – One study showed that people who forgive themselves and others are less likely to be nervous, restless, and hopeless. I = Increase your gratitude for past pain – Romans 8:28 N = Navigate to inner peace – Continue to seek peace with God and men – Phil. 4:6-7. G = Give comfort to others – When we comfort others, God comforts us – “A drop in, a drop out.” 2 Cor. 1: 3-7. Your life will be rich and blessed if you dispense mercy and grace. Justice is giving to others what they deserve. Mercy is not giving what is deserved. Grace is giving what is not deserved. Highly healthy people are liberal dispensers of mercy and grace.

Here’s a creative way to help your children participate in a week of prayer! Make a chart with a big square for every day of the week. Choose a category of people for each day and list them on a chart displayed on the refrigerator. Pray for them on the day you have chosen at the dinner table, or at bedtime. SUNDAY – Pray for family members. MONDAY – Pray for teachers and students and school workers. TUESDAY – Pray for those who are ill and for doctors, nurses, and other medical staff. WEDNESDAY – Pray for those who need to know Jesus, or who are just getting to know Him. THURSDAY – Pray for missionaries who are sharing Jesus around the world. FRIDAY – Pray for school friends and neighbors. SATURDAY – Pray for your pastor and his family, and for your church leaders. “In the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling” (Psalm 27:5)

How is it that I can believe something to be true, yet behave in a way that is contrary to that belief. For example, I may believe that exercise is good for me, and that I will feel healthier and be healthier if I exercise. But at the same time, I find it hard to get around to exercising. Or I may believe that a certain activity is sinful, and yet continue to do that activity, knowing the damage it does to me, to others, and to my relationship with God. Paul expresses this frustration with this in Romans 7:18-24. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do —this I keep on doing Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Josh McDowell contends that Christian youth are statistically indistinguishable from un-churched youth, with respect to moral behavior, because we have failed to build conviction into their lives. They have a belief system, but they don’t have convictions. That is true of the Church in general. If we lack conviction in our lives, our belief-system will not really lead to life change. The difference is that belief is, for the most part, a function of the mind, but conviction is a function of the heart. Conviction, like other functions of the heart, has a spiritual component, not just an intellectual or emotional component. It is buried deeply in who I am, bridging the connection between soul and spirit. It is a part of my character, not just my personality. It is what educates my conscience. Conviction is “thinking with my heart” and brings the soul and spirit into agreement with God’s word. The mind is prone to distractions. That is why Satan keeps the battle in my mind instead of in my heart. He does not want me paying attention to my heart. He knows that there, I might hear the still, small, voice of God. In fact, he will send all manner of calamity into my life to wound my heart, and make it hurt so bad that I choose to ignore it. On the other hand, God communes with me, engages me from the heart, through His Spirit inside of my spirit. He calms my heart during the storms of life, and gives me sweet, peaceful times of communion in the midst of raging storms or battles. He heals the woundedness of my heart and restores it so that it is capable of receiving all He desires to give me. An observer will know my convictions by watching what I do in the tough times. My convictions (or lack there-of) are what really drive me. I am my convictions. (Convictions R Us!). My mind is prone to forget things, especially under pressure or duress, but the seat of true memory is the heart. It is what I return to in a bind, so I will do or say what is in my heart. Convictions are at the base of an intentionally-Biblical world-view. Mere beliefs are too weak to carry it, too fickle to sustain it, too sterile to animate it. If you think about atheism, it is a belief, not a conviction. It is generally only arrived at by denying what the heart really feels in favor of what the mind wants to believe. And that belief is often motivated by some deep hurt that Satan has inflicted in a person’s heart, convincing him that God was the one responsible for that hurt. By nature, convictions are intentional. They are not knee-jerk reactions, made in the heat of battle. They are come to after long careful consideration of all the ramifications and implications involved. They are made before they are needed, and built into my character with intent. Godly convictions are founded upon the word of God, using the wisdom He gives to discern right from wrong, and are independent upon the circumstances in which I find myself. In the great acrostic Psalm (119), the Psalmist addresses the importance and the process of building conviction based upon the Word of God. Just a few of the passages are given below, Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the LORD. Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. (Ps. 119:1-4) How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. (Psalms 119:9-11) Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. (Ps. 119:33-37) Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. (Psalms 119:105) Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. (Ps. 119:165) Why have we failed as the church to build convictions into our own lives and the lives of our children? Maybe we have subconsciously bought into the central lie of moral relativism, that there is no absolute right or wrong – it depends upon the situation. Convictions are all about absolutes, so they are in direct conflict with moral relativism. But that lie is so pervasive in our culture that it must be intentionally challenged, or it will be subconsciously accepted. Let us all spend some time in Psalm 119 and make it our prayer – to be wholly committed to the process of building Godly convictions into our own lives and the lives of those we lead. Let us reject the “wisdom” of the world, and cling to the wisdom from God But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. (James 3:17)

We often cruise through life without asking for directions. Often we rush to make decisions without the GPS of God’s Word and will. Instead, we strike out on our own. We haven’t paid attention to road signs and warning lights. Perhaps we plow ahead and make a hasty decision from our own earthly wisdom. Confusion results. We ask questions like “How did I get here?” “How am I going to get myself out of this?” I have been there. I have made decisions before that seemed like a good idea at the time and it seemed like a God idea as well. BUT I got ahead of God, I moved too quickly in my decision and it put me into a situation that ended up in a quagmire of trouble. Eventually, I turned the situation over to God and let Him work. My quandary of confusion turned into peace and God-ordained purpose. I guess the Bible is correct when it says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.”-Proverbs 3:5-6 What does it mean to whole-heartedly trust God? God is the origin or source of all good. He has made us as His creatures to be dependent upon Himself. He requires us to be conscious of that dependence. He has promised to communicate what we need and He commands us to believe His promises and look for our fulfillment in Him. But, we are to rely upon Him without doubt and fear. And we must trust God whole-heartedly-without reservation. “And do not lean on your own understanding” You are to lean on GOD, not on yourself, because as I have heard it said, “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool.” Verse 6 tells us, “In all your ways acknowledge Him” This is what I have so deeply learned in my own life as a believer. I have learned to begin, continue and end every plan and purpose with God as my Guide. I have learned to earnestly pray for His direction at the beginning, and to look for his continual support along the way. Leaning on our own self-sufficiency and self-dependence has been the ruin of mankind ever since the fall of Adam. Trying to live independently of God will do nothing but bring frustration and futility. Setting your heart upon God will bring peace and well-being! “The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You.”-Isaiah 26:3 To be kept in this perfect peace is a matter of our mind. You, my friend, are to love the LORD your God with all of your mind (Matthew 22:37) and you are to set your mind on things above (Colossians 3:2). Your Christian life is not an mindless meandering, it is proactively choosing God’s way and purposefully meditating upon Him. If your past decisions have brought you to a place of perplexity, then ask for forgiveness for trying to do it your way. Let God take the reins of your life and give you His peace.

Grace can be defined as an undeserved gift, that which is given, not because of any attribute of the receiver, rather out of the pure joy of the giver. It is an invitation into deeper relationship with the giver. Gratitude is the response, where-in the receiver enters into the joy of the giver, receiving the unmerited gift with the same joy in which it was given. Gratitude is the choice to accept the invitation into deeper relationship. Both grace and gratitude are expressions of love – grace the initiation and gratitude the response. Together they knit the giver and receiver together in love because of the shared joy. The world’s counterfeits lack the joy and deepening relationship. Grace can only be extended through agape love, unconditional love that is only possible when the Spirit of God is involved. God Himself is our model, as He gives us grace upon grace, even while we are still his enemies, while we are still sinners. His grace is not dependent in any way upon the receiver. Rather, it is a reflection of His nature, which is love. It is not given to manipulate us into a particular response, but because He knows we need it, and it gives Him joy to meet our needs. In the world, gifts are rarely given out of unconditional love. Most often there is some hidden motive for giving. The motive may be an anticipated response, as when a young suitor sends flowers or cards to the object of his affection. The motive may be out of fear that there will be negative consequences, such as the husband who quickly rushes to the florist shop upon realizing he almost forgot his wife’s birthday. The motive may be to obligate the receiver, such as the salesman who sends expensive gifts to a potential customer, trying to secure a large contract. The motive may be to draw attention to one’s self, like the Pharisees Jesus chided for “sounding the trumpet” when they gave their tithes. The motive may be to make one’s self feel better, like the person who seeks to mitigate guilty feelings by giving to others. Or the motive may be to get someone off our back when we feel pressured to give. Of the above motives, only the first, and maybe the second are any kind of invitation into deeper relationship. But even in those cases, there is a reward anticipated in the giving. Rarely does one give for the shear joy of giving, because giving always involves sacrifice. Our culture teaches us that we should only sacrifice when there is a clear “return on investment” (ROI). Paradoxically, in the world, the ROI is rarely as great as the sacrifice. In contrast, when the Spirit of God empowers me to give grace to others, even though the apparent payback is zero or even negative, I receive a reward from God Himself, because I am “laying up treasure in heaven.” In the same way, the world’s counterfeit of gratitude is generally a self-centered response. I may thank someone, to ensure they will offer me gifts again in the future, or because I will feel guilty if I don’t thank them. I may thank them because the gift made me feel good, or enriched me in some way. Godly gratitude allows me to see the joy with which the gift was given, and enjoy the fact that the giver got joy from the giving. I enter into celebration with the giver and by that draw closer to him or her because we share that joy. Godly gratitude also has the effect of perpetuating a giving spirit. When I enter into the joy of giving, I realize that true joy comes from extending grace and giving to God and others. I learn that it is indeed “more blessed to give, than to receive”.

Life is a continual process of letting go. It seems that an important element of growth is learning how to let go gracefully. As babies, we are not very good at letting go. Before we can say the word “mine!” we have mastered the concept. We only relinquish something under loud protest. Some wise one once advised me to hold loosely to things in this world. They are fleeting, and never really belong to me anyway. Some things are harder to let loose than others. Among those are the loved ones in our lives. On February 1, 2005, my wife of almost 15 years died after a lengthy fight with brain cancer. The cancer was a part of our entire life together – Mary had her first brain tumor surgery about three years before we met. When we got married, she expected to live only another year or two. So, despite my natural facility for denial, the specter of its return lurked in the shadows. She had an emergency brain surgery in March, 1999, and a follow-up surgery in September, 2000. Before I go any further, there are some things I would like to say to those of you in the midst of grieving. Nothing I say here is meant to in anyway minimize or trivialize your grief. Each grief experience is unique; we all come to it through different life experiences. Even subsequent losses in one person’s life can result in very different grief processes. The things I share are unique to my experience, and so there is no need to measure your process by mine. However, they are shared in the hope that something I have learned in the process may help you in your process. For those of you not grieving at this time, I have this to say. Get ready. Unless you live a very short life, you will likely experience the loss of a loved one some time in the future. Looking back, I see that God graciously prepared me for this process, and that preparation spared me a lot of pain. My hope is that something from my experience will help God prepare you for the grief you will some day face, and that you will look for God’s preparation and accept it before the time comes. Though my story started long before, I will pick it up in late June of 2004. That day I was “speaking” with God, reflecting on the peaceful nature of my life at that time. The family was doing well, finances were sufficient, and my job was great. It hadn’t often been that way. I remembered a sermon speaking of the times of refreshing God grants us between the storms of life, and thought, “There’s a storm coming, isn’t there?” It wasn’t a fatalistic resignation, rather a recognition that we live in a broken world that is far short of heaven. I was thankful for the time of refreshing, but I understood its purpose was to prepare me for the next storm. In surrender, I told God that it was alright. I didn’t need to know what the storm would be, when it would come or how long it would last. Just as long as He would be with me in the storm, I would somehow get through. Sometime later I saw the picture that came into my mind that day. It was a painting of Jesus standing in the front of a boat with the storm raging around Him. I pictured myself standing next to Him, holding onto His hand. I knew that He was not going to go under, and as long as I held onto Him, neither would I. I knew He could calm the storm, as recorded in Matthew 8:23-27, Mark 4:35-41, and Luke 8:22-25, but I also understood that sometimes He lets us go through the storm, and brings us through safely like he did with Paul and his companions in Acts 27. As I pondered the possible storm scenarios, I never considered that Mary’s cancer would return. I figured it would be something to do with my job or finances, like it had been so many times before, but I didn’t fret about it long. It was enough to know He would be there, whatever, and whenever. The past storms had convinced me that even if everyone else abandoned me, Christ never would. Much of that confidence came through a previous trial that involved a year-long separation from Mary and our new child. It was during that separation that Mary had her emergency brain surgery after her mother found her unconscious on the kitchen floor. That year was possibly the most difficult time in my life, and I found myself continually going back to three songs I had heard on our Christian radio station. Though I remember the lyrics of one song, I have never been able to find out who the artist is. I have enquired on Christian lyrics web sites, and have even asked people from the station that played it a couple of years earlier, and nobody seems to remember it. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was the only one who ever heard it! The lyrics, as I remember them, follow: God is God, and I am not. I comprehend as far as blind eyes see. Life, untold, will naturally unfold. Faith includes the triumph and the tragedy. Why ask, “Why” – the meaning’s too high. It is enough for me to simply say, God is God, and I am not. The simplicity of these lyrics under-states their profundity. God is God, and even if He chose to answer my questions, I would likely never fully understand the answers. It is sufficient to know He is God and He is in control. In mid-July of 2004, Mary started having headaches. That and other symptoms convinced her that the tumor was growing again. That was confirmed at the end of the month when an MRI showed that not only had it grown, it was now inoperable. It had graduated to a high-grade glio-blastoma multiforma (GBM), a very aggressive brain tumor that is virtually always fatal. So … this was to be the storm! As soon as I acknowledged that, a peace flooded my heart, reminding me of my conversation with God the previous month. He would be faithful and get us through the storm, if he didn’t calm it. I marvel at how that single act of surrender to His peace carried me through the next six months, and beyond. Mary’s only hope of surviving a GBM (besides a miracle) was to undergo aggressive chemo-therapy, and even that hope was slim. She had already had the maximum radiation dose after her third surgery. Anything they did would likely leave her more impaired than she already was. She made the decision not to pursue treatment, but to enroll in a hospice program. She was at peace with God, and was weary of the partial blindness, hearing problems, cognitive difficulties and other issues she had struggled with for the last several years. Her only regret was that she would not be around to raise her daughter, the joy of her life. Mary’s first prayer after getting the news was that this would help pull together our Adult Bible Fellowship. It was truly marvelous how God answered that prayer. They, and other believers covered us with love and grace. We saw the body of Christ being the Body of Christ, and it was a marvelous experience. The non-believers around us got to see what the church is really all about, and it changed lives Casas Church Pastor Jerry Wilkinson gave me some wise counsel early in the process. He told me that I needed to begin my grieving process immediately, so I would be far enough along to help our daughter when the time came. Following that advice allowed me to let go gradually, so that the final goodbye was not as traumatic as it might have been. In fact, a week or two before she died, I was able to tell Mary that it was alright, she could let go any time she wanted, we would be OK. Over the next six months, we watched as Mary gradually deteriorated. The Hospice nurses and social workers told me ahead of time what to expect at various stages, so I was able to anticipate what her and our needs would be. Mary’s sister, a hospice nurse, came down early in the process and did a lot to help us get ready for the task ahead. That was an immeasurable blessing. One nurse told me something that at first might seem insensitive, but actually helped my daughter and me cope with the process. She said that brain tumor patients will often begin to do and say some very funny things, and that we needed to treasure those funny memories and enjoy them. We still giggle over some of those memories, not disrespectfully, but because some of them really were funny. Being given the permission to do that lightened that time considerably. It also allowed us to enter in to some of those times with her. How much of it was the tumor, and how much was the painkillers, we may never know, but most of the time, she was happy, once she let go of the need to be in control. There were some rocky times, but even those were not overwhelming. So many fellow believers had gathered around us, that it lightened the load considerably. Never underestimate the value of “just being there” for someone in the midst of it. I was fortunate to work with people who were understanding and stepped in to cover the duties I was unable to during that time. They took up a collection when they first found out, and sent the three of us to California to be with Mary’s family for a week. My employer has a “compassionate transfer of leave” program that allows people to donate a portion of their vacation time to cover sick leave for someone who has used up all of theirs. Though I ran out of vacation and sick leave two thirds of the way through, I did not miss a single paycheck. Our benefits program covered virtually all of the expenses, so I was not burdened financially during that time. I spent the last couple of months of Mary’s illness scanning pictures of her into the computer during my spare time. This was wonderful therapy, and helped me compose a brochure and video slide show for the memorial service. Being able to prepare this memorial to her life was very healing when the time came, and allowed me to celebrate her life and our life together. It also helps Christina and me when we get to missing Mary. We can put the slide show on the computer and allow the pictures to refresh her memory as we listen to some of her favorite music and songs that remind us of her. I recommend you do this for any loved one, because it is a great way to celebrate them right now, and will prove a wonderful comfort should you ever lose them We had also discussed ahead of time, the music we wanted for the memorial service. The last part of Chris Rice’s “Untitled Hymn” struck us both as so appropriate. That song still affects Christina and me deeply whenever we hear it. And with your final heartbeat, Kiss the world goodbye. Then go in peace. And laugh on glory’s side And fly to Jesus. Fly to Jesus. Fly to Jesus, and live! It was almost two weeks from the day Mary died to the memorial service. That allowed family to come without such short notice. I cannot overstate the healing value of actively planning and preparing parts of the memorial service. It provided a sense of closure I would not have felt otherwise. It gave me a chance to honor her and put together a “chronicle” of her life. It was some time later, looking at a picture of us taken on our engagement day, that I realized the memorial service was on the 15th anniversary of our engagement. Somehow, that seemed “right.” When it came time for that final “letting go”, it was almost a relief, not in the sense of being relived of a burden, but being relieved of responsibility for her. It was a year or so later at the funeral of a co-worker’s wife that I heard someone articulate what I felt. The pastor preaching the funeral had lost his wife to cancer four years earlier, and he told my friend that he would probably feel a sense of relief, that he was no longer responsible for his wife’s welfare, and safety, and that was alright. That was exactly what I had felt concerning Mary. Not that the responsibility had been an overwhelming burden, but I no longer had to worry about her. It was like the relief one feels upon completing some difficult assignment, or upon delivery of some precious cargo to its rightful owner. She was safe. There was nothing the enemy could do to touch her now. She was happier than she had ever been in this life. All of her infirmities were healed. There was nothing for her to worry about there. And she had finally seen the face of the one who had shed His blood and poured out His own life to save her. All of her fears and doubts and worries were over – she was where she was created to be. This relief filled me with a sense of joy and peace. Sure we would miss her. But it would be just for a while. For her it would not even be that. She was already experiencing that re-union in the timelessness of eternity. Letting go of Mary was not like losing her. I know into whose hands I had released her, and know that He is able to hold her securely, and keep her safe, much safer than I could. … I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day. (2 Tim. 1:1) It’s been three and a half years since Mary left, and much has happened during that time. The daughter she bore continues to be the joy of my life, and keeps me from totally reverting to bachelor-style housekeeping. I often wonder what God has in store for Christina. If, as Oswald Chambers says, “God only uses those greatly, whom He has hurt deeply,” He must have big plans for her. Mary laid a wonderful foundation of faith in her heart that continues to bear fruit today. She has a deep love for God, and a sensitivity of Spirit beyond her years. I look forward to seeing God’s plan for her life unfold. During grief, we often become more aware of the possibility of losing other loved ones. Those thoughts crossed my mind as well, concerning Christina – how would I handle it if something happened to her? I thought of that a lot in the first year, but came to the same conclusion. She was not really mine to hold anyway. She is a gift from God, and He loves her even more than I do. And he is a far more capable parent than I. So I decided that I could trust Him to take care of her. If He took her home early, she would miss out on a lot of sorrow and struggle, and be re-united with her mother even sooner – she would be alright, and so would I. In the meantime, I can enjoy her and thank God for the gift. That made it a lot easier to let her go on a school trip to China this past summer. While my grief experience has been blanketed with peace and joy, I know that is not the norm. I know many others suffer deeply through grief, and I don’t fully understand why I haven’t. But I am grateful, none-the-less, for God’s grace and mercy towards me. My heart goes out to all of you in the midst of grief, and I pray you will find the comfort you so desperately seek in Him who is the God of all comfort. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

To reduce stress, you have to be intentional about changing your lifestyle. Here are some practical tips that will enrich and de-stress your daily life. Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn’t happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice. Pray. Go to bed on time. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed. Say no to projects that won’t fit into your time schedule or that will compromise your mental health. Delegate tasks to capable others. Simplify and unclutter your life. Less is more. (Although, one is often not enough, two are often too many.) Allow extra time to do things and to get to places. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don’t lump the hard things all together. Take one day at a time. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can’t do anything about a situation, forget it. Live within your budget; don’t use credit cards for ordinary purchases. Have backups: an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble. Do something for the kid in you every day. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand. Get enough rest. Eat right. Get organized so everything has its place. Listen to a CD or mp3 while driving that will help improve your quality of life. Write down thoughts. Every day, find time to be alone. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don’t wait until it’s time to go to bed to try and pray. Make friends with godly people. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good “Thank you Jesus.” Laugh. Laugh some more! Take your work seriously, but yourself, not at all. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can). Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most). Sit on your ego. Talk less; listen more. Slow down. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.Every night before bed, think of one thing you’re grateful for that you’ve never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31)