"The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as a lion" Proverbs 28:1 KJV Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. —Hitchens A woman checked into the hospital to have a tonsillectomy, and the surgical team erroneously removed a portion of her foot. How could this tragedy happen? In fact, why is it that ninety-eight thousand hospital deaths each year stem from human error? In part it’s because many healthcare professionals are afraid to speak their minds. In this case, no less than seven people wondered why the surgeon was working on the foot, but said nothing. Meaning didn’t flow because people were afraid to speak up, Two problems led to this debacle: an intimidating leader and intimidated followers. In a previous post I encouraged leaders to embrace robust dialogue among team members—that would eliminate the first problem. In this essay, let’s think about what we should do if robust dialogue is disallowed and something bad is about to happen if we don’t speak up. It takes a lot of courage and emotional fortitude to confront that which is unfair, inaccurate, corrupt, foolish, wrong, ignorant, misdirected, inappropriate, and/or evil; but we have a moral imperative to do so. Sometimes there is a price to pay. Once in my career, I spoke up about a dysfunctional area of the organization and I was summarily dismissed. Previously, a friend had advised me to always have six months of “go-to-hell money” in my savings account. “That way, if your job becomes unbearable,” he said, “you can tell your boss what you think and then walk away.” His advice came in handy that day. Become skillful at truth-telling. Learn to speak the undiluted truth in a palatable way and at the right time. Don’t be unkind, mean, or crass (some people, armed with the truth, think they have a 007 license to kill) but do speak up. I’ll end this post with another sad story that illustrates the dangers of intimidating leadership and silent, repressed followers. Alexander the Great was once drinking with his chief officers at a party, when, in a drunken stupor, he began arguing with his best friend and faithful soldier, Clitus. Alexander impetuously threw a spear at his friend, hit him square in the chest, and killed him. It stunned the entire group. Alexander couldn’t believe what he had just done and immediately went to his private chamber. Soon, Alexander’s officers approached him one at a time to try to console him. Aristander told him, “It’s just fate.” Callisthenes said, “We needed that.” Anaxarchus surmised, “Good will come from it.” No one had the emotional fortitude to tell Alexander the Great that what he had done was a terrible deed. A contemporary historian noted, “In this way, they consoled his soul, but corrupted his character.”   .

"Wisdom teaches you to be honest and to speak the truth, so that you bring back truthful reports to those you serve." Proverbs 22:21 Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. —Hitchens A woman checked into the hospital to have a tonsillectomy, and the surgical team erroneously removed a portion of her foot. How could this tragedy happen? In fact, why is it that ninety-eight thousand hospital deaths each year stem from human error? In part it’s because many healthcare professionals are afraid to speak their minds. In this case, no less than seven people wondered why the surgeon was working on the foot, but said nothing. Meaning didn’t flow because people were afraid to speak up. [Patterson and Grenny, Crucial Conversations, pg. 22]. Two problems led to this debacle: an intimidating leader and intimidated followers. In a previous post I encouraged leaders to embrace robust dialogue among team members—that would eliminate the first problem. In this essay, let’s think about what we should do if robust dialogue is disallowed and something bad is about to happen if we don’t speak up. It takes a lot of courage and emotional fortitude to confront that which is unfair, inaccurate, corrupt, foolish, wrong, ignorant, misdirected, inappropriate, and/or evil; but we have a moral imperative to do so. Sometimes there is a price to pay. Once in my career, I spoke up about a dysfunctional area of the organization and I was summarily dismissed. Previously, a friend had advised me to always have six months of “backup money” in my savings account. “That way, if your job becomes unbearable,” he said, “you can tell your boss what you think and then walk away.” His advice came in handy that day. Become skillful at truth-telling. Learn to speak the undiluted truth in a palatable way and at the right time. Don’t be unkind, mean, or crass (some people, armed with the truth, think they have a 007 license to kill) but do speak up. I’ll end this post with another sad story that illustrates the dangers of intimidating leadership and silent, repressed followers. Alexander the Great was once drinking with his chief officers at a party, when, in a drunken stupor, he began arguing with his best friend and faithful soldier, Clitus. Alexander impetuously threw a spear at his friend, hit him square in the chest, and killed him. It stunned the entire group. Alexander couldn’t believe what he had just done and immediately went to his private chamber. Soon, Alexander’s officers approached him one at a time to try to console him. Aristander told him, “It’s just fate.” Callisthenes said, “We needed that.” Anaxarchus surmised, “Good will come from it.” No one had the emotional fortitude to tell Alexander the Great that what he had done was a terrible deed. A contemporary historian noted, “In this way, they consoled his soul, but corrupted his character.”

"Know this, my dear brothers and sisters: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to grow angry." James 1:19 CEB Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable. –David Augsburger It’s the greatest thought on communication I’ve ever heard. It will heal and deepen relationships. Master this mantra and you’ll do well in life; ignore it and you’ll frustrate yourself and others. Stephen Covey said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Listen first. The “low-grade fever” of impoverished relationships is poor listening. All good communication involves dialogue—I will listen to you and I want you to listen to me. But who listens first? Choose to be the one who listens first. People will be more inclined to listen to you once they realize you want to listen to them. Listen with the intent to understand. There is a difference between simply hearing (an auditory function) and really listening, which involves our intellect and emotions. Listening involves more than just being quiet. When conversing with another person, do you truly want to know what he or she is thinking and feeling? Listening begins as an attitude that is based on a genuine desire to understand what others are saying. It is a value to embrace, not an inconvenience to be tolerated. Here are some suggestions on how to listen well: Some people struggle with communicating so sometimes, in our attempt to understand what someone is trying to say, we must “read between the lines,” interpret body language, and patiently try to decipher what the person is trying to say. While this seems to be an unreasonable demand (why can’t we just establish the basic rule of, “Say what you mean and mean what you say”?) it is often necessary if we truly want to seek first to understand. Concentrate on the speaker; do not be distracted. Do not interrupt, talk over, or finish the speaker’s sentences. Be patient. When the speaker pauses it does not necessarily mean he is finished speaking. While the other person is talking, resist formulating your response. At this point your job is to listen. When the other person has finished talking you may need to clarify what you think he said, to ensure you have understood him. Share your thoughts in a rational way. I will choose to listen to you first, but the conversation is not over until I have a chance to share my thoughts. My eagerness to listen to you does not diminish my desire and right, to vocalize my thoughts. I will work hard at crafting my words carefully and will communicate clearly because I want you to understand exactly what I am saying. First, I will respond to what you have just said, but then I may introduce a new topic. The most basic of all human needs is the need to be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.

"A heart full of joy goodness makes a cheerful face, But when a heart is full of sadness the spirit is crushed." AMP A man without a smiling face must not open a shop. —Chinese proverb About every two years I reread Dale Carnegie’s terrific book, How to Win Friends and Influence People . Though written 90 years ago (1926), it is so rooted in basic human psychology, it still speaks to our modern age. He taught seminars based on the book to large audiences in New York City. Carnegie devoted an entire chapter—titled, A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression — to the topic of smiling. When he taught this chapter at his seminars, he gave his students a simple assignment: Smile at someone every hour of the day for the next week and then come back to class and talk about the results. The positive results of this simple exercise were profound. His students learned that a smile is one of the most potent people skills and that it can dramatically improve human relationships. Richard Wiseman, in his book Quirkology: How We Discover the Big Truths in Small Things , said, “People smile when they feel happy. However, evidence suggests that the mechanism works in reverse; that is, people feel happy simply because they have smiled.” He refers to a 1988 research project conducted by Fritz Strack in which participants in one group were asked to hold a pencil between their teeth, but to ensure that it did not touch their lips which forced the lower part of their faces into a smile. Another group was asked to support the end of the pencil with just their lips, not their teeth, which forced their faces into a frown. The results revealed that people actually experience the emotion associated with their expressions. Those who had their faces forced into a smile felt happier (page 205). Carnegie concluded his chapter on the power of a smile with these words: The Value of a Smile It costs nothing, but creates much. It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits. It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends. It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away. www.donmcminn.com.

"For in him you have been enriched in every way—with all kinds of speech and with all knowledge—" 1 Corinthians 1:5 Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud . —Hermann Hesse Do you ever track conversations? I do. Sometimes I wish I didn’t, because I find most conversations are unbalanced, trivial, and forgettable. Try it yourself. The next time you’re part of a group conversation, mentally keep track of who speaks, for how long, and the topics that are discussed. In this post let’s consider  what  we talk about. Consider these five categories, listed from shallow to significant. 1. Pleasantries—weather, sports, etc. We usually start conversations with inconsequential remarks, and that’s okay; it’s a courteous and subtle way to start. But let’s not stay there long. Polite conversation should be a prelude to more important topics. 2. Physical and emotional issues How are you feeling, physically? It’s not necessary to discuss details about your recent trip to the doctor’s office and don’t elaborate on your medications; just summarize. Also, share how you’re feeling emotionally, but don’t belabor the issue, particularly if not much has changed since the last time we talked. 3. Projects What’s going on in your life right now? What projects are you working on? What are your plans for the near future? People who are fully engaged in life are always working on projects; they are excited about getting something accomplished. 4. Current events What do you think about the latest events in North Korea? Isn’t it fascinating that the New Horizons satellite recently flew by Pluto? Observing current events, and developing an opinion about them, makes for interesting conversation. But don’t just regurgitate facts about events; have an informed opinion about them. Incidentally, all current events are not equal in significance. Discussing an article from US Magazine, watching Hollywood Now, or keeping up with Kim Kardashian is not the same as discussing political ideologies or advances in science. 5. Significant thoughts This is the sweet spot; this is where we need to land and linger. Let’s discuss interesting and challenging ideas that address important issues. Let’s consider them conceptually and then apply them personally. For instance, these questions might prompt interesting conversation: What’s the most interesting book you’ve read lately, and what did you learn from it? What do you think about this statement made by Thomas Jefferson: “Pursue truth no matter where it may lead you”? Do you agree with this statement by Federico Fellini: “I want to live so that my life cannot be ruined by a single phone call.”? What does it mean to be  diligent ? Why was the 1913 premier of Stravinsky’s  Rite of Spring  so controversial? What are some current controversial issues that may someday be benign? Most conversations never get to this deep level unless someone intentionally directs them there. It takes courage and a bit of presumption to orchestrate a conversation, but without direction most conversations drift into pablum and stay there. I double-dog dare you: next time you’re part of a lengthy conversation (15-30 minutes), introduce a significant topic and see what happens. Interestingly, meaningful conversations are not restricted to, or guaranteed by, long-term relationships. I’ve had deeper conversations with strangers on an airplane than with some people I’ve known for decades. I long for friends and colleagues that value deep conversations.

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:29 We are reluctant to say them, but when spoken honestly and appropriately, three simple phrases can help maintain our personal integrity and sustain peace in relationships. “I don’t know.” Often, when we don’t know something, we make stuff up. When we don’t know the answer to a question, we attempt to answer it anyway. Instead, we should just say, “I don’t know.” In his must-read-book, In The Kingdom of Ice , Hampton Sides writes that in the late 1800s no one knew what the North Pole was like because no one had ever been there. The most famous cartographer of the day was a German professor named August Petermann. He was, supposedly, the world’s foremost authority on world geography. The world wanted to know what the Arctic was like, so Petermann wrote, “It is a well-known fact that there exists to the north of the Siberian coast, and, at a comparatively short distance from it, a sea open at all seasons.” He firmly believed that when a team of explorers finally reached the North Pole, they would find a tropical environment, complete with palm trees and perhaps a new race of humans. Huh? Why didn’t he just say, “I don’t know”? When was the last time you said, “I don’t know”? I admire people who use the phrase; I have little regard for people who should but don’t. There’s no shame in admitting that you simply don’t know. “I made a mistake.” When I hear someone say, “I made a mistake,” my admiration for that person escalates. My regard is diminished when there is stubborn refusal to admit the obvious. Politicians and leaders, in particular, are reluctant to admit mistakes, but it’s nearly impossible not to make mistakes when you’re leading aggressively and making a lot of decisions. To err is human. Even when we do admit that a mistake was made, we have a hard time using the personal pronoun “I.” When Richard Nixon commented on Watergate, when Ronald Reagan talked about the Iran-Contra affair, and when Hillary Clinton spoke about Whitewater, they used the phrase, “Mistakes were made.” That doesn’t quite hit the nail on the head, does it? Compare these responses to the most famous unsent message in history. General Eisenhower penned the following memo before the Normandy Invasion. Fortunately, it was never posted because the invasion was successful. “Our landings…have failed..and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and place was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone.” When was the last time you said, “I made a mistake”? “I was wrong; please forgive me.” Only an infallible person can avoid saying this phrase, and you and I don’t qualify. Speaking this phrase doesn’t make you a bad person; it simply means that you messed up and want to make it right. I once counseled a couple struggling in their marriage. In one of the sessions I asked the husband, “How long has it been since you’ve spoken these words to your wife: ‘I was wrong; please forgive me.’” Awkward silence ensued. At least he was honest when he replied, “Never.” They had been married 22 years. I appealed to his logic: “What is the probability that in 22 years of marriage, you have never hurt or offended your wife?” Again, he was honest in saying, “The chances are slim.” Their homework assignment was rather obvious: identify ways in which you have hurt your spouse; admit it; and ask forgiveness. When was the last time you said, “I was wrong; please forgive me.”?

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." Matthew 5:9 At work and at home, conflicts are inevitable. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. So don’t be surprised when relationships are strained, but do proactively try to resolve the conflicts. Here are some things to consider. Misunderstandings are a natural byproduct of progress. An ancient proverb says, “Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest.” There’s something implied but omitted in this phrase; do you see it? My paraphrase of this proverb is: “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean; but where there are oxen working, there’s going to be a lot of excrement that needs to be cleaned up.” Whenever a group of people (oxen) are engaged in activity (producing a harvest), mishaps will happen. Whenever people work together, things get messy. And the more people involved and the busier they are, the messier it gets. Take the initiative to restore the peace. In strained relationships, someone must take the first step toward restitution. You be that person. You may be reluctant to do so because “I didn’t start the conflict” or “I’m not the main offender.” Regardless, you can be the peacemaker. Settle matters quickly. Misunderstandings seldom resolve themselves and they usually get worse when ignored. Address difficult issues sooner than later. Distinguish between issues that need to be dropped and those that should be addressed. If taken to an extreme, obsessing about peace in relationships can have an unsettling effect. If I feel compelled to address every minor irritation that comes my way, I’ll unnecessarily stir up the relational waters. Some issues just need to be dropped. Consider this suggestion when you’re upset, but if someone else is upset, don’t dismiss their feelings as unimportant or trivial: “Yeah, I know Bob’s upset about being surprised at the meeting, but it’s not a big deal; he just needs to drop it.” You may need to help arbitrate other people’s quarrels and misunderstandings. At times, you’ll need to intervene in relational tiffs in which you are not personally involved. If you’re a leader, you’ll do this often. This might involve encouraging someone to take action: “John, I think that you and Bob need to get together and talk out your differences.” Or, you may need to get directly involved: “John, let me set up a meeting with you, Bob, and me so that this issue can be addressed.” Sometimes our pursuit of peace will fail. For relational conflicts to be resolved, everyone involved must do their part to establish peace. Sometimes our sincere effort to resolve an issue won’t work because the other party cannot or will not agree to a peaceful resolution.

Let  perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4 Diligence is the constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken. —Atal Gawande I have never thought much about diligence. Virtues like courage, initiative, honesty, and optimism seem to get all the attention. Diligence appears mundane, simplistic, even boring. But it is the prerequisite of all great accomplishment. Diligence is putting your hand to the plow and not letting go until the row is hoed. It always requires focus, and often requires aggressiveness and inventiveness. Initiative takes the lead and diligence keeps up the pace. These two virtues converge to form industriousness. Diligence is personified in the life of Demosthenes, a contemporary of Plato and Aristotle, who overcame seemingly insurmountable challenges to become one of the great orators of Athens, if not history. He was a sickly and frail child, inhibited by a debilitating speech impediment. When he was seven years old his parents died. His guardians stole his inheritance. But one day, the young Demosthenes heard a speech at the court of Athens given by a gifted orator and was so moved by the man’s stirring voice and inspiring ideas that he vowed to follow suit and become a statesman—one who could persuade others with his words and thoughts. He crafted and followed an improbable plan to overcome his challenges and perfect his skills. To strengthen his voice and the clarity of his speech he practiced speaking with pebbles in his mouth. He rehearsed near the seashore, working to make his voice heard above the pounding of the waves. He built an underground dugout so he could study without distractions and shaved half his head so he would not be tempted to deviate from his studies by engaging in social activities. He reportedly copied Thucydides’ History of the Peloponnesian War eight times in order to improve his command of language and to absorb its history. His diligence to study and prepare worked. Through his insightful writing and persuasive speaking he became a leader in 4th century Greece. Some consider him the father of democracy. His speech On the Crown  has been called the greatest speech of the greatest orator in the world. While it’s fascinating to talk about the paraphernalia of Demosthenes’ diligence— pebbles, waves, caves, and a shaved head—we need to examine ourselves and ask, “Are we diligent,” and if so, what is the proof? What habits and routines demonstrate our careful and persistent work and effort? A lack of diligence will derail our best intentions. Its presence will aid and support our goals and plans.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. —Lewis Smedes Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must  forgive them .” Luke 17:4 In her book The Liar’s Club , Mary Kerr tells the true story of a married couple who had a major argument over how much the wife had spent on sugar. Instead of resolving the simple dispute, both husband and wife held on to their grudge and refused to speak to each other for forty years. As if silence wasn’t enough to perpetuate their dispute, one day the husband took a saw and literally cut their frame house in half. They lived the rest of their lives in separate sides of the house. Granted, this story is rather extreme, but it does illustrate the damaging effects of unforgiveness. In years of counseling, I’ve never known a couple to cut their house in two, but I have seen couples who were emotionally separated from each other, often for decades, because of unresolved offenses. Forgiving others brings freedom in three areas. 1. The one who has been offended is set free from harmful emotions. When offended, our natural response is to become angry, and initially, there’s nothing wrong with that; anger is an instinctual and appropriate response to hurt. But unresolved anger can soon escalate to bitterness, hatred, and other toxic emotions. Notice who is adversely affected by these dangerous emotions—the offended, not the offender. When we refuse to forgive others, it is often we who suffer the most. So we must forgive for our own well-being. This is why we must forgive even if our offender doesn’t ask for forgiveness. Our offender may never ask forgiveness so we must choose to forgive, otherwise we will suffer twice: once at the offense and then on a continual basis if we harbor anger or hurt. Marshall Goldsmith said, “Forgiveness means letting go of the hope for a better past.” 2. Relationships can be healed. Philip Yancey, in his book What’s So Amazing About Grace, wrote, “Forgiveness offers a way out. It does not settle all questions of blame and fairness—often it pointedly evades those questions—but it does allow a relationship to start over, to begin anew.” In the early years of our marriage, Mary and I argued often, and sometimes the squabble would become so complex we’d even forget what the initial issue was. In the heat of an argument, we would drag in issues from the past, present, and even the future. We returned insult for insult. We’d dig in our heels, choose our weapons carefully, and engage in mental and emotional battle. But as we’ve matured we handle disputes differently. We still argue, but it seldom gets out of hand. Moments into the conflict we may say something like, “Sweetheart, I love you. Regardless of what happened to cause this dispute, our relationship is more important. Please forgive me for my part in this misunderstanding.” Are we naively ignoring the issues? No, we’re simply maintaining the integrity of our relationship. Forgiveness is life-giving water poured upon a parched, dry relationship. Without it, relationships can spiral out of control until they are broken or impaired. 3. Forgiveness offers grace to the offender. When President Lincoln was asked how he was going to treat the rebellious Southerners when they had finally been defeated, the questioner expected that Lincoln would take a dire vengeance, but he answered, “I will treat them as if they had never been away.” When we forgive others we offer them grace and emotional release from feelings of guilt. It’s important to know that forgiveness is a choice; it’s a function of our wills, not our emotions. We must choose to forgive because we will seldom feel like forgiving. I often illustrate this by holding a pen in my hand and then, as an act of my will, I drop the pen on the floor. Forgiveness is like that; we must drop the issue and the offense. Just let it go. Forgiving an offense doesn’t mean we will forget what happened. It may be hard if not impossible to forget the details and memories surrounding an offense. But forgiveness will provide emotional relief, and in time it will ameliorate painful memories.

There are many opinions on what these three terms mean and how they relate to each other. Here are my thoughts. All three terms describe a process whereby a person can relate to the emotional state of another person. In this order—sympathy, empathy, compassion—they describe an ever-deepening level of concern and involvement. Sympathy Sympathy is a mental understanding of the plight of another person. I sympathize with the plight of starving children in Africa and with the person who has a flat tire alongside the road. I understand that it is a plight. I can sympathize without getting emotionally engaged or taking any action. I’m simply embracing facts. Empathy Empathy takes me deeper. Not only do I another person’s pain, I also My emotions are stirred, not by what is happening in life, but by what is happening in someone else’s life. I feel what a person is feeling. I remember the first time I deeply empathized with someone. One day, when I was a young pastor, I visited a woman who had recently attempted suicide. As she described the painful circumstances of her life and the despair she was feeling, she began to weep. Suddenly, I began to weep. I asked myself, “Why am I weeping? My life is going quite well.” I then realized that I was weeping because I was feeling pain, not my own. Compassion Compassion takes me deeper still. Building on sympathy and empathy, it compels me to become physically involved in relieving another person’s pain; it calls me to action. The story of the Good Samaritan illustrates the difference between sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’ Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise” (Luke 10:30-37, ESV). The priest and Levite noticed the distressed man and may have even empathized with him, but they did nothing to relieve his distress. The Samaritan had compassion on the man and it moved him to act. In reflecting on the parable of the Good Samaritan, Martin Luther King Jr. said, “I imagine that the first question the priest and Levite asked was: ‘If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?’ But by the very nature of his concern, the good Samaritan reversed the question: ‘If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?’” I’m not suggesting that empathy and sympathy are unimportant or lacking; they are thoughtful and kind impressions. Nor am I suggesting that we must always demonstrate compassion; logistically it’s impossible to respond to every need. The great value of these three functions is that they divert our focus from ourselves to others. Instead of being ego-centric we focus on others and become altruistic and magnanimous. And that’s a good thing.

In our contentious times, battle lines are drawn based political philosophies, religious beliefs, ethnic backgrounds, financial status, age and sex. Answers to “what’s right” and “who’s best” dominate the topics of the day. We must hold our values dear and yet we must also love as Christ loved us. Have we missed Christ’s admonition to “accept one another” so that prejudice is creeping into our lives? Jesus’ ministry is predicated upon accepting people, erasing artificial boundaries of culture and status and looking beyond people’s sin. After all, Christ accepts us while we are sinners, and His love for us continues unconditionally. Being accepted is one of man’s most fundamental needs. It means we can try out ideas without being belittled. We may be corrected or shown to be wrong, but expressing ourselves is safe and no one will destroy us out of prejudice. The grace of acceptance rests on two fundamental pillars: Every human is the same in that, having been created in the image of God, we all have intrinsic worth and value. Every human is unique in that God created each of us as one of a kind. With these ideas in mind, we can consider some practical ways to accept others.  I call these “Statements of Acceptance.” I will willingly receive you and love you because you are a human being.  This acknowledges the intrinsic value of who a person is apart from that they do. I will acknowledge, affirm and delight in the fact that you are unique. With this statement we agree that God has created all things well. I will willingly receive you and love you, even though you are different from me. This challenges us to view others outside of our limited lens of background, culture and experience. I will be particularly sensitive to accept you when you enter a new environment, such as a new school, church or work place. I will not neglect ministering the Lord’s 11 th commandment to you… “love one another.” (John 13:34)  When we freely accept all people, favoritism gives way to unconditional love. Even as I get to know you on a deeper level, I will not stop accepting you. Unfortunately, as we get to know each other more, our flaws, inconsistencies, weaknesses and sin can become irritants that hamper our acceptance. I am going to accept you for who you are. I won’t always be trying to change you. This implies that we are trusting God for change while we concentrate our efforts on love and acceptance. In these tumultuous times, let’s not miss our opportunities to accept people who have lost their jobs and/or homes, feel inadequate, appear and/or believe differently.  Let’s trade silence and prejudice for unconditional love.

Benjamin (my five-year-old grandson), and I were arm-wrestling on the bed. Benjamin took a short break, crawled to the corner of the bed, and whispered a prayer, “God, give me strength to beat Papa.” When he returned to the tournament, I bowed my head and prayed, “God, give me strength to beat Benjamin.” He went back to his prayer corner and prayed, “God, don’t listen to Papa’s prayer.” Benjamin always wins our arm-wrestling contests (as well as thumb-wars), so hopefully his faith in God and the efficacy of prayer was affirmed. But the incident did disclose an interesting conundrum. How does God negotiate conflicting prayer requests? For instance, organizers of a Fourth of July parade pray for good weather while local farmers are praying for rain to end the drought. Abraham Lincoln spoke of this mystery in his second presidential inaugural speech—and also proffered an answer. On March 6, 1865 (about five weeks before the Civil War ended), Lincoln addressed a divided nation. In his speech he said, “Both (North and South) read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes.” There’s a higher principle at work, and Lincoln expressed it well—. This should not discourage us from praying—after all, the Bible teaches “by prayer and petition, make your requests to God”; but we’re wise to frame our requests knowing that “our God is in heaven, he does what he pleases.” We wouldn’t want it any other way. When praying, I avoid prejudicial requests. I don’t pray that UT Austin will beat Oklahoma in their annual football game, though I may pray for the safety of the players. I don’t pray about the weather; it is totally controlled by God. I avoid giving God advice, or telling him what he should do. And, I don’t pray for his aid if it might harm someone else. Also, my prayers are shorter than they used to be. Ecclesiastes teaches, “Don’t be hasty in bringing matters before God. After all, God is in heaven, and you are here on earth. So let your words be few.” Sometimes, long public prayers seem unnecessary. (Relative to long public prayers, someone once said, “If your prayer is short, I will pray with you. If it is long, I will pray for you. If it is extremely long, I will pray against you.”) Our best option is to embrace the sovereignty of God and keep our prayers simple. I often pray, “God, be God in my life and in the lives of those I love.” www.donmcminn.org.