Here’s a question I am asked occasionally…Here’s my podcast with Doug: Guilt drives a dad to worry about how to explain to his daughter that she was conceived before her parents were married. A mother worries about her son is using his verbal tic to get his way. In this podcast transcript, Dr. Leman answers their questions and more. Doug: Alright. This is from a Dad and he says, “I have read The Birth Order book, A Difference a Daddy Makes and then currently Be The Dad She Needs You To Be. They have changed my life, my parenting, and my marriage completely I will say.” And then he gives me a long paragraph and basically says he fell in love with his high school sweetheart and the parents of the girl would not recognize that they were in love. He gave her an engagement ring, they did not recognize it. They ended up getting too lovey-dovey and had a baby out of wedlock. Quickly run and get married they have now been married for three and a half years, and they are about to have their second daughter. He goes on to say up until he have read What A Difference A Daddy Makes, he knew nothing about raising a daughter, he was an only child, there is divorce all around him, and he does not know how to do this. His question is this: “As far as the question, how do I approach the fact to my daughter and others that although my wife and I were engaged and set to be married, we conceived her out of wedlock? This is something we came to terms with. But now, how do I tell my daughter when she comes of age when I myself, could not wait one more year?” How does he address this issue with his daughter? Dr. Leman: Number one: You are letting guilt get the best of you. Let us start with that. Quite frankly, you are asking the question so I am going to answer it. But you are ahead of the game here. You have already been married for three and a half years. That question is going to come up when your daughter begins to date during the high school years or maybe even the college years. The fact is that you did the right thing, you married. You were in love. There were situational factors in your family that made this all the more difficult for you as a young person to wed. When you were engaged, what would have happened if the parents did the right thing? That is your parents did the right thing and said, “Oh my goodness we are so happy for you. We are so happy that you found the person that you love and you want to share the rest of your life with them. Tell us more about that.” If they engaged you in conversation along that way, I’d like you just to think this through. Doug used the term you got a little lovey-dovey. He is more eloquent than I am. You got her pregnant. You had sex before marriage which is not late breaking news by the way. If you take a look at what is happening in America that is the norm. But the point I would like to make is: Do you think you really would have gotten her pregnant if the parents would have done the right thing? My guess is the answer would be no. I think the seeds of rebellion were enhanced by them reacting negatively to you. Now back to your question. If and when that comes up, that may come up when the kid figures out that your anniversary might not match up with how old she is. She might ask the question or you might choose to bring that up. But I certainly would not bring that up in the early years. There is a time and a place for those things, but it is certainly more in tune with the late teenage years or even in her early 20s. She may not want to bring it up. You may want to bring it up as a teachable moment where there is an opportunity to say, “Hey, there is a lot of things we did in life that we regret.” Even Frank Sinatra said, “Regrets, I had a few. But then again, too few to mention.” Do not let guilt run your life. Be thankful that you love each other. Be thankful that you want to be a good Dad. I am so glad you have read that What a Difference a Daddy Makes, and “Be the Dad She Needs You to Be”. Be The Dad She Needs You to Be is quite frankly a better book than What A Difference A Daddy Makes. But nevertheless, you want to be a good Dad. You want to be a good husband. Be that husband, be that Dad you need to be. Do not worry about the past. The past will take care of itself. As you present that to your daughter someday, and you do it in a very matter of fact way, you do not make it the biggest thing in the world, it is not going to be the biggest thing in the world to your daughter. Got it? That is the answer. Doug: Thanks. Andrea: Thank you, Dr. Leman. The next question is from Allie. She says, “Our seven year old son has developed a verbal tick over the past five weeks. Much of the research we have done suggests that we need to make a more calm environment for him so he is not set off. To me, this seems like we are being too permissive, too helpful in getting his chores and daily tasks done, and too easy on him not expecting too much. How can we still be authoritative parents while working through what we hope is a transient tic?” Dr. Leman: There are such things as transient tics and there is other ticks that tend to remain in life. I do not know the genesis and the prognosis of ticks other than they exist. I think even the experts in neurology have different opinions on this. Again, you have already done the research so you are probably ahead of me on that. I would give one general warning is you walk your way through this. I would say remain the authoritative parent you are trying to be. Do not allow the disorder or the tick to be an excuse for behavior that is inappropriate. I would just work on consistency. And I would guess that this child is a first born child. I am assuming that this child is subject to stress in their life. Aren’t we all? But who produces the stress in his life? Again, if you’re little guy or if you’re a little girl, I cannot remember if we are talking about a boy or girl here. Andrea: It is a boy. Dr. Leman: Oh, a boy. If your little guy is a first born, you have to remember that his models in life are adults. I would say to you be careful about shooting on him. I would be careful about over correcting him. I would try not to correct him quite frankly. In other words, he is doing something I would say something like, “Honey, excuse me. Would you do me the privilege of sharing with me where you are going with this? I am a little confused.” Let him explain to you what is happening and say, “Oh, I see. Well, that is the plan. I can see that. Hey, have you ever considered this?” In other words, if you are going to correct him, I would correct him mildly. Be as approachable as you can be and as honest and open with him as you can be. That will take some of the internal pressure off. But just remember that this little guy sees you guys who are much more capable than he as his models. Being the first born, those guys get a double whammy of unfulfilled dreams and wishes that you may have, that you have subtly or not so subtly placed upon him. I would talk with him softly, gently. I would be very careful about a critical eye. If one of you, his parents is an engineer, an accountant, an English teacher, anywhere where perfection is paid off, you may have to do a little self inventory and figure out that you may very much be a part of putting kerosene on this little fire we call a tick. Some self examination and some conversation between the two of you as adults would be an order. But again, the key thing I want you to hear is, do not let that tick become an excuse for you to accept unacceptable behavior.

How many times have you doubted God’s goodness? Max Lucado teaches on how to trust God and be content: “The widest river in the world is not the Mississippi, Amazon, or Nile. The widest river on earth is a body of water called If Only. Throngs of people stand on its banks and cast longing eyes over the waters. They long to cross but can’t seem to find the ferry. They are convinced the If Only River separates them from the good life. If only I were thinner, I’d have the good life. If only I were richer, I’d have the good life. If only the kids would come. If only the kids were gone. If only I could leave home, move home, get married, get divorced. If only my skin were clear of pimples, my calendar free of people, my profession immune to layoffs, then I would have the good life. The If Only River. This Thanksgiving, are you standing on its shore? Does it seem that the good life is always one if only away? One purchase away? One promotion away? One election, transition, or romance away? If so, then we’ve traced your anxiety back to one of its sources. You’re in a hurry to cross the river and worried that you never will. Consequently, you work long hours, borrow more money, take on new projects, and pile on more responsibilities. Stress. Debt. Short nights. Long days. All part of the ticket cost to the land of the good life, right? Not exactly, opined the Apostle Paul. The good life begins, not when circumstances change, but when our attitude toward them does. Look again at his antidote for anxiety. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6). Paul embedded two essential words into the verse that deserve special attention: with thanksgiving. Sprinkled among the phrases of Help me… Please give me… Won’t you show me… are two wonderful words— Thank you. Gratitude is a mindful awareness of the benefits of life. It is the greatest of virtues. Studies have linked the emotion with a variety of positive effects. Grateful people tend to be more empathetic and forgiving of others. People who keep a gratitude journal are more likely to have a positive outlook on life. Grateful individuals demonstrate less envy, materialism and self-comparison. Thankfulness improves self-esteem, enhances relationships, quality of sleep, and longevity.[1] If it came in pill form, gratitude would be deemed the miracle cure. It’s no wonder, then, that, God’s anxiety therapy includes a large, delightful dollop of gratitude. Gratitude leads us off the river bank of “if only” and escorts us into the fertile valley of “already.” The anxious heart says, “Lord, if only I had this, that, or the other, I’d be ok.” The grateful heart says, “Oh, look! You’ve already given me this, that, and the other. Thank you, God.” On Thanksgiving, as you gather around a table with friends and family, instead of looking at what you don’t have, look at your blessings. Do you see any friends? Family? Do you see any grace from God? Love of God? Do you see any gifts? Abilities or talents? Skills? As you look at your blessings, take note of what happens. Anxiety grabs his bags and slips out the back door. Worry refuses to share the heart with gratitude. One heartfelt “thank you” will suck the oxygen out of worry’s world. So say it often. Focus more on what you do have and less on what you don’t. Years ago I lived on a houseboat that was docked on the Miami River in Miami, Florida. The level of the river would rise and fall with the tide. It rocked back and forth with the river traffic. But though the level changed and the boat rocked, it never drifted. Why? Because the boat was securely anchored. What about you? Anchor your heart to the character of God. Your boat will rock. Moods will come and go. Situations will fluctuate and change. But will you be left adrift on the Atlantic of despair? No, for you have found a contentment that endures the storm. No more if only. It is the petri dish in which anxiety thrives. Replace your if only with already. Look what you already have. Treat each anxious thought with a grateful one and prepare yourself for a new day of joy.”

Are you miserable, disgruntled, discontent or just plain crabby? Solomon’s initial words in Ecclesiastes will cause you to grow gloomy, desperate, even suicidal. But, believe it or not, the most depressing book in the Bible (other than Job!) can teach you how to be truly happy. Solomon was an A-lister. He made the Hollywood pantheon of gorgeous billionaire gods and goddesses with front-page cover fame look like losers. The Israeli monarch possessed wealth, women, wisdom and fame. Yet he was absolutely miserable. Why? Solomon means “shalom,” peace. In 2 Samuel 12: 25, Nathan gave Solomon another name, Jedidiah , or “loved by God.” Ecclesiastes reveals the naked truth. The ruler was filthy rich and uber-powerful. Everything was gold-plated. He was smarter than Einstein. And he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. The lusty king had 1,000 one-night stands and never felt guilty about jilting the women in his life. He just sent them back to his burgeoning harem. So why was he so sad? What went so horribly wrong? I’ll ask you the same question. Ecclesiastes 9:2-3, the jaded ruler laments: “Anything’s possible. It’s one fate for everybody—righteous and wicked, good people, bad people, the nice and the nasty, worshipers and non-worshipers, committed and uncommitted. I find this outrageous—the worst thing about living on this earth—that everyone’s lumped together in one fate. Is it any wonder that so many people are obsessed with evil? Is it any wonder that people go crazy right and left? Life leads to death. That’s it. Their loves, their hates, yes, even their dreams, are long gone.” The Message Bummer. I feel worse already. Pubmedhealth.com states that brain chemistry or genetic predisposition can trigger depression. Long-term pain, sleeping problems, certain types of cancer, steroids and under-active thyroid can trigger a downward mood swing. Stressful life events such as abuse, neglect, broken relationships, failure, job loss, long-term family illness, chronic pain and social isolation are just a few reasons people spiral downward. Solomon the sage gave us two key verses that can help us claw our way out of the pit of despair to the highlands of peace and joy. They’re really quite simple. Ecclesiastes 11:8: “However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all.” Ecclesiastes 12:1 “Remember your Creator in the days of your youth.” 1. Enjoy your life. Dr. David Ferguson taught me a great lesson about delightful, abundant life. (John 10:10). Abundant life can only be lived in the present. If you are bound up with guilt from the past or paralyzed with fear from of the future, you will never find fun in the moment. I have a daughter who is seriously, chronically ill. If I don’t revel in the moments with her, cherishing her love, her little girls and the kindred spirit that we share, I lose everything. I borrow trouble for the future, dreading the worst. I get angry with God and it shakes my faith. And I ruin my health by living in the misery of “what if’s.” I must enjoy each moment-savoring them, treasuring each one. That is where I experience God’s presence, grace and power. 2. Remember your Creator. Solomon’s second secret is a doozy. When Jesus was talking to the Ephesians in Revelation chapter three, He told them to remember their first Love. Do you remember when you met Jesus? He wasn’t just an ideology, He was the very real Friend who laid down His life for you. Simply remembering how much Jesus loves you, protects you, plans your every moment can change you. I love my husband Roger. We’ve been married a long time. I delight in how he calls me “Muffin” when I feel like “Pumpkin.” I remember how he read the Bible to me over the phone when we were dating. I remember the way he gazed into my eyes and took me in his arms to kiss me for the first time. (This was no small task since I am very short. Smooching usually involved a porch step.) His love for me has never wavered. You see, remembering how much he loves me makes me look forward to waking up in the morning, just to see his face. When I remember God, I remember our adventures together. I’ve journeyed through devastating valleys and ecstatic mountaintops with Him. I’m watching my beloved parents die…ever so slowly as they become more elderly. But as I feel sadness overwhelm me, I remember holding my first daughter in my arms when she breathed her last breath. I recall how God’s grace was enough during those horrific months as a young mother. Reminders of my kind Savior brings me joy in my not so pleasant present. Roger and I sat in our driveway today after church. For the first time, we were brutally honest about the hurts and losses in our lives. And the power and glory of God poured into the front seat. We counted His blessings. Wow. What a list! God also reminded us of an old sermon illustration from one of Roger’s “sugar sticks” (greatest hits in the sermon department). Pastor Charles Spurgeon was once asked if he were dragged to the village square to be martyred for Christ tomorrow at noon, would he have the strength to stand strong? He said, “No.” “But tomorrow at noon I will…” We can enjoy today because there is grace for tomorrow. That, my friends, was Solomon’s secret. Enjoy and remember. Try it. You’ll like it.

Most church leaders I know would love to see their church grow. Similarly, most leaders I’ve met want their church to grow for what we might call the ‘right’ reasons: they sincerely want more people to encounter the love of Jesus Christ. That’s amazing. And yet there’s a strong reaction against growing churches by many leaders. For some reason, many people love to take pot-shots at growing churches and large churches. Some are categorical denouncements. I don’t know what to do with those. Sometimes I sense that underneath the anger are jealousy and resentment on the part of leaders whose churches aren’t growing. Conversely, I also know many church leaders of small and even stuck or declining churches who don’t define themselves by attacking other churches that are growing. There’s a beauty and a grace in that kind of security. Someone else’s success should never make you feel like a failure. Someone else’s success should never make you feel like a failure. Other times, I sense the critics are those who have been hurt by an unhealthy growing church. I have a lot of empathy for that. Read on below. Inevitably, someone in the discussion will say what we need are not growing churches, but healthy churches. Agreed. But in the midst of it all is a polarized and often unhealthy conversation about church growth. So here’s my bias: when you see baptism after baptism and hear life-change story after life-change story, it’s hard to be against church growth. Why would you stand against the expanding mission of the local church? And yet the emotional debate continues. As you plan ahead for your church, here are 5 hard truths to keep in mind about healthy church growth. The discussion is nuanced at times, but I hope the nuance is worth it in the end. I imagine some church leaders can’t even have a simple conversation with some of their staff, volunteers or elder board about church growth without it becoming volatile. Externally, most of us have colleagues who have strong opinions for or against. It can lead to a very frustrating dialogue. Or none at all. I hope these truths will hopefully help frame the discussion in less emotional, more realistic terms and hopefully help your team and your colleagues get closer to the same page. Maybe we can agree more and better work on the mission together. When you hear one life-change story after another, it’s hard to be against church growth. 1. HEALTHY CHURCHES GROW. BUT NOT ALL GROWING CHURCHES ARE HEALTHY CHURCHES. You’ve heard the line before “Healthy things grow.” Fundamentally, I believe that’s true. But even as someone who wants to see every local church thrive, I would agree that not all growing churches are healthy churches. I think that’s where the conversation gets messed up. Yes, healthy churches do grow. But not all growing churches are healthy. I want to be careful what I say here because I don’t want this taken out of context, but sometimes unhealthy things grow too; like cancer. Just because a church is growing doesn’t mean it’s healthy. And maybe that’s where the funk in the conversation comes from. We all know at least one (or more) growing churches that are not healthy. But just because that’s true, it doesn’t mean all growth is unhealthy. The key here is to not make the exception the rule. There are thousands of small, mid-sized and larger healthy growing churches which are largely unknown that serve their communities well. Their leaders’ names aren’t household names, but they are doing the hard work of bringing grace into a broken world every day, and they have the thrill of seeing life after life, family after family and person after person discover hope in Christ. Those kinds of healthy churches do grow. And sometimes, they become churches that are better known or whose pastors are better known. Most often they don’t. But those leaders do amazing work. Not all growing churches are healthy, but healthy churches do grow. If your church is healthy over the long haul, it will reach more people. Not all growing churches are healthy, but healthy churches grow. 2. HEALTHY SMALL CHURCHES USUALLY DON’T STAY SMALL FOREVER There’s also a thread of this discussion that suggests churches should stay small. The challenge is it’s hard to stay small when you’re reaching people. Sure, you can break up into smaller campuses and locations, or plant multiple venues. But the reality is that a healthy church over time will continue to grow. And if they do stay small, it’s often because of an artificial cap. Maybe you’re losing as many people as you reach, in which case you’re treading water. That isn’t optimal health. And sometimes the barriers that keep a church from reaching its potential stand in the way. More often than not, those barriers are structural, not spiritual. And they can be passed. (That’s what I coach leaders and their teams through in my Breaking 200 course.) Accomplishing your mission means reaching people, and reaching people means growth. 3. AN OUTWARD FOCUSED CHURCH ULTIMATELY CREATES THE HEALTHIEST INSIDERS So what creates a healthy church? Many factors, but outward focus is non-negotiable. It’s a bit of a paradox, but an outwardly focused church ultimately creates the healthiest insiders. An outwardly focused church ultimately creates the healthiest insiders. Why is that? An inherent part of the Christian faith is death to self. And that also means death to selfish preferences. In an insider-focused church, no one sacrifices anything for the sake of others, because people believe others ought to sacrifice to please them. If the church exists to make you happy, why wouldn’t people sacrifice more to make you happier? In outsider-focused churches, the opposite is true. Insiders sacrifice for the sake of outsiders. They realize that when they give, others live. That when they decide the church isn’t about them, they find a joy that is so elusive to selfish people. Externally focused churches realize that sacrifice for the sake of others is a pathway to joy. When you die to yourself, something greater rises. 4. DECLINE CAN HAPPEN FOR A SEASON IN HEALTHY CHURCHES So does being a healthy church mean everything is always up and to the right? No, it doesn’t. Like any living organism, churches go through seasons. Sometimes that means a healthy church will stall out or even decline for a season. That can be because of a leadership change, hitting a new growth barrier, the need for systems to catch up to where the church has grown, and sometimes, for no clear reason at all (some of this truly is mystery). But healthy churches recover from that plateau or decline, adjust the sails and continue on with their mission. You may be in decline for a season, but seasons have beginnings and endings. If your church’s prolonged season of decline has no end, it’s not a season. You’re in decline. This is the case for a lot of churches. If that’s the case, it’s best for a leader to name reality and admit that there are deeper issues that have to be addressed. If your church’s prolonged season of decline has no end, it’s not a season. 5. HEALTHY LEADERS PRODUCE HEALTHY CHURCHES I’ve been leading in the local church for 20 years. We’ve had seasons where we’ve seen 30% growth year after year, and seasons where it’s been flatlined. Over the last two decades, we’ve gone from a handful of people to over 1200 today (plus more online), with a new location launching this month. Most of the people who come to our church for the first time self-identify as having no regular church attendance background. When I look back at almost 23 years of leadership, I see a trend. When I wasn’t healthy, neither was our church. Even in seasons where our church was growing, that growth wasn’t the healthiest (lots of turn over) when I wasn’t the healthiest. Unhealthy leaders can’t lead healthy churches. Not over the long haul. If you think your church is unhealthy, look in the mirror. As hard as it is to admit, you reproduce who you are, not who you want to be. Leaders, you reproduce who you are, not who you want to be. But this is also true. As I’ve grown healthier, so has our church. So has our growth. One of the most difficult things a leader can do is look in the mirror and face the truth. I’ve had to do that again and again. The more ridiculously honest I am with God, with my team and with myself, the healthier I get. I’ve seen counselors over the years, hired coaches, read books, gone on retreats and done whatever I can to become more emotionally, spiritually and relationally healthy. And like every leader, I’m a work in progress. But here’s the good news. Leaders, when you get healthier, your church gets healthier. So do whatever it takes to get you and your team healthy.

Psalm 95 is a model for approaching God in prayer. It begins with praise and thanksgiving. The Apostle Paul seldom mentioned prayer in the New Testament without an attitude of gratitude. “I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers” (Ephesians 1:16). “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6). “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful” (Colossians 4:2). “Be joyful always; pray continuously; give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:16). “Let us come before him with thanksgiving” (Psalm 95:2). There are three levels of communicating with God in prayer. Each level incorporates praise and thanksgiving. The first level is petition, which Paul mentioned in Philippians 4:6. James adds, “You do not have because you do not ask” (4:2). However, he qualifies this by saying, “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (4:3). Petitions should be consistent with the Lord’s Prayer discussed previously. Petition is all too often one way communication and people tire of that. The next level of prayer is personal and more like a dialogue. As we personally and humbly approach God (Psalm 95:6-7), the Psalmist says, “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts” (vss. 7-8). The word “hear” means to listen so as to obey. If we heard from God we may be inclined to “harden our hearts” since the first items on God’s list are issues that concern our relationship with Him. So if there are unresolved moral issues that you have never confessed to God, rest assured that will be at the top of His list. All those distracting thoughts that we struggled with while petitioning Him in level one are from God or allowed by God to get our attention, even if they are from the enemy. The Lord wants us to actively deal with whatever comes to our minds during prayer. There is nothing we can’t talk to God about, because He already knows the thoughts and attitudes of our hearts (Hebrews 4:12,13). These issues are critical since they relate to our relationship with God, which is always His first concern. When prayer becomes this personal, we begin to pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Psalm 95 is a model for approaching God in prayer. It begins with praise and thanksgiving. The Apostle Paul seldom mentioned prayer in the New Testament without an attitude of gratitude. “I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers” (Ephesians 1:16). “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6). “Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful” (Colossians 4:2). “Be joyful always; pray continuously; give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:16). “Let us come before him with thanksgiving” (Psalm 95:2). There are three levels of communicating with God in prayer. Each level incorporates praise and thanksgiving. The first level is petition, which Paul mentioned in Philippians 4:6. James adds, “You do not have because you do not ask” (4:2). However, he qualifies this by saying, “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (4:3). Petitions should be consistent with the Lord’s Prayer discussed previously. Petition is all too often one way communication and people tire of that. The next level of prayer is personal and more like a dialogue. As we personally and humbly approach God (Psalm 95:6-7), the Psalmist says, “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts” (vss. 7-8). The word “hear” means to listen so as to obey. If we heard from God we may be inclined to “harden our hearts” since the first items on God’s list are issues that concern our relationship with Him. So if there are unresolved moral issues that you have never confessed to God, rest assured that will be at the top of His list. All those distracting thoughts that we struggled with while petitioning Him in level one are from God or allowed by God to get our attention, even if they are from the enemy. The Lord wants us to actively deal with whatever comes to our minds during prayer. There is nothing we can’t talk to God about, because He already knows the thoughts and attitudes of our hearts (Hebrews 4:12,13). These issues are critical since they relate to our relationship with God, which is always His first concern. In my opinion, intercessory prayer is the highest level of prayer. When prayer becomes this personal, we begin to pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17). This makes intercessory prayer possible, which is the highest level. There are few true intercessors who are intimate enough with God to hear His voice and obey. Intercessors hear from God, sense the burden to pray and continue in prayer until the burden leaves. Seldom is their prayer time made public. It is usually in the privacy of their homes and often late at night. God accomplishes much of his work through these dear saints who know how to pray. There are few true intercessors who are intimate enough with God to hear His voice and obey. Intercessors hear from God, sense the burden to pray and continue in prayer until the burden leaves. Seldom is their prayer time made public. It is usually in the privacy of their homes and often late at night. God accomplishes much of his work through these dear saints who know how to pray. www.ficm.org . Used by permission.

Perhaps you’re familiar with Christ’s promise in John 14: “In my Father’s house are many mansions. . . . I go to prepare a place for you” (v. 2, KJV). The Vulgate, the Latin Bible, used the word mansiones in that verse, and the King James Version followed by using mansions. Unfortunately, that rendering is misleading if it makes us envision having massive lodgings on separate estates. The intended meaning seems to be that we’ll have separate dwelling places on a single estate or even separate rooms within the same house. New Testament scholar D. A. Carson says, “Since heaven is here pictured as the Father’s house, it is more natural to think of ‘dwelling-places’ within a house as rooms or suites. . . . The simplest explanation is best: my Father’s house refers to heaven, and in heaven are many rooms, many dwelling-places. The point is not the lavishness of each apartment, but the fact that such ample provision has been made that there is more than enough space for every one of Jesus’ disciples to join him in his Father’s home.” [1] The New International Version rendering of John 14:2 is this: “In my Father’s house are many rooms. . . . I am going there to prepare a place for you.” Placeis singular, but rooms is plural. This suggests Jesus has in mind for each of us an individual dwelling that’s a smaller part of the larger place. This place will be home to us in the most unique sense. The term room is cozy and intimate. The terms house or estate suggest spaciousness. That’s Heaven: a place both spacious and intimate. Some of us enjoy coziness, being in a private space. Others enjoy a large, wide-open space. Most of us enjoy both—and the New Earth will offer both. Heaven isn’t likely to have lots of identical residences. God loves diversity, and He tailor-makes His children and His provisions for them. When we see the particular place He’s prepared for us—not just for mankind in general but for us in particular—we’ll rejoice to see our ideal home. When you’re traveling late at night and you don’t know where you’re going to stay, nothing’s more discouraging than finding a No Vacancy sign. There’s no such sign in Heaven. If we’ve made our reservations by accepting God’s gift in Christ, then Heaven is wide open to us. Jesus knew what it was like to have no vacancy in the inn and to sleep in a barn. On the New Earth, He’ll have plenty of room for all of us. I live in Oregon. When I’ve flown home from overseas and landed in New York, I feel I’ve come “home,” meaning I’m in my home country. Then when I land in Oregon, I’m more home. When I come to my hometown, everything looks familiar. Finally, when I arrive at my house, I’m really home. But even there I have a special room or two. Scripture’s various terms—New Earth, country, city, place, and rooms—involve such shades of meaning to the word home. Nanci and I love our home. When we’re gone long enough, we miss it. It’s not just the place we miss, of course—it’s family, friends, neighbors, church. Yet the place offers the comfort of the routine, the feel of the bed, the books on the shelf. It’s not fancy, but it’s home. When our daughters were young, our family spent two months overseas visiting missionaries in six different countries. It was a wonderful adventure, but three days before the trip ended, our hearts turned a corner, and home was all we could think of. Our love for home, our yearning for it, is a glimmer of our longing for our true home. www.epm.org . Used by permission.

“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” – Jesus Christ 1. Existing fetal homicide laws make a man guilty of manslaughter if he kills the baby in a mother’s womb (except in the case of abortion). 2. Fetal surgery is performed on babies in the womb to save them while another child the same age is being legally destroyed. 3. Babies can sometimes survive on their own at 23 or 24 weeks, but abortion is legal beyond this limit. 4. Living on its own is not the criterion of human personhood, as we know from the use of respirators and dialysis. 5. Size is irrelevant to human personhood, as we know from the difference between a one-week-old and a six-year-old. 6. Developed reasoning powers are not the criterion of personhood, as we know from the capacities of three-month-old babies. 7. Infants in the womb are human beings scientifically by virtue of their genetic make up. 8. Ultrasound has given a stunning window on the womb that shows the unborn at eight weeks sucking his thumb, recoiling from pricking, responding to sound. All the organs are present, the brain is functioning, the heart is pumping, the liver is making blood cells, the kidneys are cleaning fluids, and there is a fingerprint. Virtually all abortions happen later than this date. 9. Justice dictates that when two legitimate rights conflict, the limitation of rights that does the least harm is the most just. Bearing a child for adoption does less harm than killing him. 10. Justice dictates that when either of two people must be inconvenienced or hurt to alleviate their united predicament, the one who bore the greater responsibility for the predicament should bear more of the inconvenience or hurt to alleviate it. 11. Justice dictates that a person may not coerce harm on another person by threatening voluntary harm on themselves. 12. The outcast and the disadvantaged and exploited are to be cared for in a special way, especially those with no voice of their own. 13. What is happening in the womb is the unique person-nurturing work of God, who alone has the right to give and take life. 14. There are countless clinics that offer life and hope to both mother and child (and father and parents), with care of every kind lovingly provided by people who will meet every need they can. 15.Jesus Christ can forgive all sins, and will give all who trusts him the help they need to do everything that life requires. www.desiringgod.org .

Repentance is no more a meritorious work than its counterpart, faith. Repentance is an inward response. Genuine repentance pleads with the Lord to forgive and deliver from the burden of sin and the fear of judgment and hell. It is the attitude of the publican who, fearful of even looking toward heaven, smote his breast and cried, “God, be merciful to me, the sinner!” (Luke 18:13). Repentance is not merely behavior reform. But because true repentance involves a change of heart and purpose, it inevitably results in a change of behavior. Like faith, repentance has intellectual, emotional, and volitional ramifications. Berkhof describes the intellectual element of repentance as “a change of view, a recognition of sin as involving personal guilt, defilement, and helplessness.” The emotional element is “a change of feeling, manifesting itself in sorrow for sin committed against a holy God.” The volitional element is “a change of purpose, an inward turning away from sin, and a disposition to seek pardon and cleansing.” (Berkhof, Systematic Theology, 486) Each of those three elements is deficient apart from the others. Repentance is a response of the total person; therefore some speak of it as total surrender. Obviously, that view of repentance is incompatible with no-lordship theology. What do no-lordship teachers say about repentance? They do not fully agree among themselves. Some radical no-lordship protagonists simply deny that repentance has any place in the gospel appeal: “Though genuine repentance may precede salvation, … it need not do so. And because it is not essential to the saving transaction as such, it is in no sense a condition for that transaction” (Hodges, Absolutely Free, 146). This view hinges on making the “saving transaction” nothing more than forensic justification (God’s gracious declaration that all the demands of the law are fulfilled on behalf of the believing sinner through the righteousness of Jesus Christ). This single-faceted “saving transaction” does not even bring the sinner into a right relationship with God. Thus the radical no-lordship view offers this peculiar formula: “If the issue is simply, ‘What must I do to be saved?’ the answer is to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ (Ac 16:31). If the issue is the broader one, ‘How can I get on harmonious terms with God?’ the answer is ‘repentance toward God and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ’ (Ac 20:21)” (AF 146). The insinuations underlying those statements are staggering. How or why would anyone who is unrepentant raise the question, “What must I do to be saved?” What would such a person be seeking salvation from? In what sense is salvation a separate issue from “get[ting] on harmonious terms with God”? Is it possible to obtain eternal salvation with no sense of the gravity of one’s own sin and alienation from God? That is the implication of radical no-lordship teaching. But the predominate no-lordship view on repentance is simply to redefine repentance as a change of mind—not a turning from sin or a change of purpose. This view states, “In both the Old and New Testaments repentance means ‘to change one’s mind’ ” (Ryire, So Great Salvation, 92). “Is repentance a condition for receiving eternal life? Yes, if it is repentance or changing one’s mind about Jesus Christ. No if it means to be sorry for sin or even resolve to turn from sin” (SGS 99). Repentance by that definition is simply a synonym for the no-lordship definition of faith. It is simply an intellectual exercise. Note that the no-lordship definition of repentance explicitly denies the emotional and volitional elements in Berkhof’s description of repentance. No-lordship repentance is not “be[ing] sorry for sin or even resolv[ing] to turn from sin.” It means simply “changing one’s mind about his former conception of God and disbelief in God and Christ” (SGS 98). Again, one could experience that kind of “repentance” without any understanding of the gravity of sin or the severity of God’s judgment against sinners. It is a remorseless, hollow, pseudorepentance. Repentance in the Bible Does the no-lordship definition of repentance square with Scripture? It clearly does not. It is true that sorrow from sin is not repentance. Judas felt remorse, but he didn’t repent (Matt. 27:3). Repentance is not just a resolve to do better; everyone who has ever made New Year’s resolutions knows how easily human determination can be broken. Repentance certainly is not penance, an activity performed to try to atone for one’s own sins. But neither is repentance a solely intellectual issue. Surely even Judas changed his mind; what he didn’t do was turn from his sin and throw himself on the Lord for mercy. Repentance is not just a change of mind; it is a change of heart. It is a spiritual turning, a total about-face. Repentance in the context of the new birth means turning from sin to the Savior. It is an inward response, not external activity, but its fruit will be evident in the true believer’s behavior (Luke 3:8). It has often been said that repentance and faith are two sides of the same coin. That coin is called conversion. Repentance turns from sin to Christ, and faith embraces Him as the only hope of salvation and righteousness. That is what conversion means in simple terms. Faith and repentance are distinct concepts, but they cannot occur independently of each other. Genuine repentance is always the flip side of faith; and true faith accompanies repentance. As Berkhof stated in his Systematic Theology, “The two cannot be separated” (p. 487). Isaiah 55:1-13, the classic Old Testament call to conversion, shows both sides of the coin. Faith is called for in several ways: “Come to the waters … buy wine and milk without money and without cost” (v. 1 ). “Eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance” (v. 2 ). “Listen, that you may live” (v. 3 ). “Seek the Lord while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near” (v. 6 ). But the passage also enjoins repentance: “Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; And let him return to the Lord” (v. 7 ). As that verse demonstrates, the issue in repentance is moral, not merely intellectual. What repentance calls for is not only a “change of mind” but a turning away from the love of sin. A leading New Testament dictionary emphasizes that the New Testament concept of repentance is not predominately intellectual. “Rather the decision by the whole man to turn around is stressed. It is clear that we are concerned neither with a purely outward turning nor with a merely intellectual change of ideas.” (NIDNT, 1:358) Another principal theological dictionary defines repentance as: “…radical conversion, a transformation of nature, a definitive turning from evil, a resolute turning to God in total obedience (Mk. 1:15 ; Mt. 4:17 ; 18:3)…. This conversion is once-for-all. There can be no going back, only advance in responsible movement along the way now taken. It affects the whole man, first and basically the centre of personal life, then logically his conduct at all times and in all situations, his thoughts, words and acts ( Mt. 12:33 ff. par.; 23:26 ; Mk. 7:15 par.). The whole proclamation of Jesus … is a proclamation of unconditional turning to God, of unconditional turning from all that is against God, not merely that which is downright evil, but that which in a given case makes total turning to God impossible…. It is addressed to all without distinction and presented with unmitigated severity in order to indicate the only way of salvation there is. It calls for total surrender, total commitment to the will of God. … It embraces the whole walk of the new man who is claimed by the divine lordship. It carries with it the founding of a new personal relation of man to God…. It awakens joyous obedience for a life according to God’s will.” (Kittel, TDNT, 4:1002-3) Copyright 2009, Grace to You. All rights reserved. Used by permission. www.gty.org.

Share 0 If you’re a Christian, you believe reading the Bible is important. But have you considered how to approach it in the first place? What kind of “heart posture” is necessary? God cares deeply about these questions. Here are seven ways we should approach his Word in 2016. 1. Approach It Humbly The Bible is tangible evidence that the Maker of the universe is an initiator, a revealer, a talker. There are, after all, only two options when it comes to knowledge of our Creator: revelation or speculation. Either he speaks, or we guess. And he has spoken. As Carl F. H. Henry said, the God of heaven and earth has “forfeited his personal privacy” to befriend us through a book. The Bible is like an all-access pass into the revealed mind and will of God. Now, given that we’re not only creatures of the dust but rebels against heaven’s throne, this is astounding. The King would’ve been entirely right to leave us to ourselves, sunk in an ocean of ignorance and guilt. But he didn’t. He peeled back the curtain. And then opened his holy mouth. Any authentic knowledge of God hinges on his generous self-disclosure to us. Only through his Word can we know who he is, what he’s like, what he demands, and how we may know him. This ought to humble us deeply. 2. Approach It Desperately Having rehearsed God’s law one final time before his death, Moses looks at the people of Israel and says, “These are not just idle words for you—they are your life” (Deut. 32:47). The stakes could not be higher. Not only are our spiritual lives launched by God’s Word (James 1:18; 1 Pet. 1:23), they are sustained by it too. As Jesus declared, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God’” (Matt. 4:4). The psalmist, too, ached to hear the words of God: My soul is consumed with longing for your rules at all times. . . . I cling to your testimonies. . . . I open my mouth and pant, because I long for your commandments. (Ps. 119:20, 31, 131) Your soul will wither and die without the Bible. Approach it desperately. 3. Approach It Studiously Imagine if you asked me about my wife and I responded, “Oh, she’s incredible—the most amazing girl I’ve ever known! She’s from Oregon, has gorgeous red hair, and hates chocolate.” Now, would my chocolate-loving brunette who hails from Virginia feel honored by this description? Of course not. I can gush about her all day, but unless my words reflect who she really is, she’ll be insulted. Why, then, are we so careless when thinking and speaking of our Creator? “Great are the works of the LORD,” the psalmist exclaims, “studied by all who delight in them” (Ps. 111:2). The New Testament, too, commends engaging Scripture with care: “Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true” (Acts 17:11). Come to the Bible with a learner’s posture, asking the Author to teach you wonderful things. 4. Approach It Obediently The psalmist didn’t just long to understand God’s commands; he wanted to obey them, too. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! . . . Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law? and obey it with all my heart. . . . I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands. (Ps. 119:4–5, 34, 60) The New Testament reinforces this urgency of submitting to Scripture: “Whoever says ‘I know him’ but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him” (1 John 2:4–5). Or, as James simply urges, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” (James 1:22). 5. Approach It Joyfully As a dad, I’m not always pleased when my kids obey me. They need to do so with a happy heart, too. Anyone can muster grudging compliance, but real obedience flows from love and joy (John 14:15). The Book of Psalms opens with a man whose “delight is in the law of the LORD” (Ps. 1:2). He can’t get enough of it. Likewise, the prophet Jeremiah confesses, “When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight” (Jer. 15:16). Even Jesus said the purpose of his words is to induce joy: “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:11). Cracking open my Bible feels like a duty at times. It will for you, too. We’re fallen humans in a fallen world. When such feelings surface, though, press on. Ask for help. Plead for joy. It’s a prayer the Father loves to answer. 6. Approach It Expectantly Since the Bible’s ultimate author is God, it is a book of unparalleled power. Its words can melt hearts (Jer. 23:29) and change lives (John 17:17). Did you know even obscure books like Leviticus and Obadiah were written to encourage you? “For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope” (Rom. 15:4). Everything. Paul is saying that the entirety of the Old Testament is for you—to instruct you, to encourage you, to help you endure, and to flood your heart with hope. When you open your Bible, do so expectantly. Comfort (Ps. 119:50), strength (Ps. 119:28), guidance (Ps. 119:105), hope (Rom. 15:4), assurance (1 John 5:13), and transformation (John 17:17) everywhere await. 7. Approach It Frequently It should be obvious, given everything we’ve considered, that we ought to approach God’s Word frequently. “I rise before dawn and cry for help,” the psalmist proclaims. “My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promise. . . . Oh how I love your law! It is my meditation all the day” (Ps. 119:147–48, 97). In order for “the word of Christ [to] dwell in you richly” (Col. 3:16), you must soak yourself in it like a teabag in water. Friends, there is nothing like God’s Word. Approach it humbly, desperately, studiously, obediently, joyfully, expectantly, and frequently. You’ll be so glad you did. www.tgc.org . Used by permission of the author.

Dear Roger, I have a spiritual warfare question. I pray for two of my kids to be released from Satan’s grip. I pray this on a daily basis. I fully believe that God is able to free them. I have faith and complete confidence in God’s power to do this. I just don’t know when or how. My question is, why am I not seeing results? I can halfway answer my own question by saying that they themselves need to repent and appropriate a new life and freedom in Christ. Now, is there more to it that I need to know as I pray for them. Can you give me a more complete answer? Sincerely, Discouraged Parent Dear Discouraged Parent, First of all, I grieve with you. We all want our children to have wisdom, to make good choices and to manifest solid morals and values. We want to see them living for Christ and moving well on the way to maturity. I know your heart is in agony. I am so sorry for your pain and hurt. Perhaps I can give you a little hope. Obviously, your questions indicate that you are familiar with spiritual warfare. Neil Anderson has many helpful guideline prayers for coming against Satan regarding various issues. His “Bondage Breakers” books are ever so helpful in finding victory in Satanic struggles. You might consider investigating his guide-line prayers. The direct answer to your question, “why am I not seeing results?” is most probably the answer you already half gave yourself: “they themselves need to repent and appropriate a new life and freedom in Christ.” The truth is, their choices are of paramount importance. If your children refuse to get free then they won’t! You can pray and pray and pray but their decisions to continue in sin and under Satan’s grip will continue. Nevertheless, our prayers are important. They can help pave the way for future victory. Let me share some thoughts that may help lay the foundation for their eventual freedom. Pray specifically for their minds to be free enough to choose against Satan and for the Lord.One prayer you might add to your arsenal is based on 2 Corinthians 4:4: “The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.” Pray specifically for their blinded eyes to be opened to see the truth of what their lives are becoming. The next prayer may be too hard to pray—but perhaps not. Many return to the life of Christ when events so turn against them that there is nowhere else to look except up! God will certainly be there to lift them up and pick up the pieces and restore them properly. In Ephesians 4 Paul taught that it is possible for individuals to continue in perpetual sin long enough that Satan gains a foothold. You may need to pray for your children’s repentance and victory over specific sins before they can dislodge Satan’s grip! James taught this in James 4:7. When we stop our sin, then and only then, do we have the freedom to demand that the Devil flee our presence. By the way, it is possible to personally confess the sins of others. Daniel confessed the sins of his people in Daniel 11. God heard that prayer. Remember that the power of praise in spiritual warfare as illustrated in Psalm 8:2: “From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.” As the fallen praise leader in Heaven praise must feel to Satan like scratching chalk on a chalkboard when he encounters massive praise. Who wants to stay around that irritating noise! Finally, pray for open relationships with your wayward children. It is easy for parents to become quite estranged from children who make unwise choices. You want a relationship with them good enough so that they feel free to come to you when they do want advice. If your relationship with them is solid you can speak into their lives in ways you never can if they don’t like or trust you. Again, I am sorry you are in pain regarding your children. God never designed it to be this way. May God give you grace to handle these times and peace not to worry about it all the time. I hope this helps. Love, Roger

Among all in his era, Noah was the most godly. He alone was considered by the Almighty, blameless. In a time when terrible wrath was about to unfurl, Noah alone found favor with the Lord. Consider this man Noah and what he experienced: Aware that the end of his world was at hand, he faithfully preached repentance for over one hundred years, yet his words converted no one. His eyes beheld the terrible descent of the wrath of God; his ears heard the terrifying cries, the final cries, of an entire civilization. His mind experienced the horrifying destruction of every man, woman and child outside the ark. What burden does such an experience create upon the human soul? What nightmares? We don’t know how Noah processed the catastrophic end of the world, but here’s what we do know: After the flood, Noah began mankind’s journey anew. He farmed and planted a vineyard. From the harvest he produced juice, which fermented into wine. We don’t know if this was the first time he, or any man, tasted the effects of wine, but we do know that he drank it and it made him so drunk that he collapsed in his tent. The great man of God lay unconscious and naked, in a drunken stupor. Here was a righteous preacher who, for whatever reason, had fallen short of his own high standards. Into this scene comes Ham, one of his three sons. Ham entered Noah’s tent and saw the shameful state his father was in. Then, Ham reported the scene to his two brothers. Instead of silently, discreetly covering his father’s shame, he sought to expose it. His brothers, Shem and Japheth, the Scriptures tell us, took raiment and, walking backward with the sheet on their shoulders, they covered Noah with it. Keep this point in mind: Ham dishonored his father by seeking to expose his shame; Shem and Japheth honored their father by covering his weakness. Your future and the future of your children is attached to how well you understand the value of honor and the curse that follows a dishonoring spirit. The New Testament Scriptures, in fact, call us to honor and respect people. Here is what God’s word commands: “Honor all men; love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king. Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect. . .” (1 Pet 2:17-18a). Honor all men? Honor the king? Servants be submissive with respect? Surely this apostolic leader is not speaking to the church in America! We want our rights! We are not afraid of any man, be he king or priest. Yes, but the issue is not whether we are afraid; it is whether we are capable of showing genuine honor. There is something within us that grates at the idea of honoring people. We say, often quite righteously, we will only honor God. We feel it is our task to keep others humble lest their pride take over. In fact, it is our pride that has taken over, not theirs, and it is fueled by our jealousy of another’s success. God calls us to honor all men for the simple fact that He chose to give them life. Jesus lived and died so sinful men could be saved. People are precious to the Father; they are as valuable to Him as His Son. Yes, today the person standing before you may be a sinner, but by showing honor you tell that person that he or she is important to the Almighty. Some, we are called to honor for their attainments; others, we honor for their intrinsic worth to God. Yet, the call of God is to honor all. Not that you honor the actions of sinners, but the humanity of sinners. We are not to worship people, as those who swoon over celebrities; but we are to show all men honor. You cannot lead someone to Christ whom you have dishonored. You cannot sincerely communicate the love of God if you do not respect the person to whom you are speaking. Our tradition of dishonoring people has not come from God. In fact, the kingdom of God emerges with a completely opposite spirit. The kingdom is a culture graced with honor and respect for the dignity of all people. Consider: within the body of Christ we are commanded to honor every member, actually giving to the “unseemly parts” more abundant honor. As stated, we are also called to “Honor all men” and also “honor the king” (1 Peter 2:17). We are additionally required to honor the church elders (1 Timothy 5:17); and at work, we should honor and respect those who are our employers (1 Timothy 6:1). We are to honor widows (1 Timothy 5:3), spouses (1 Peter 3:7 & Ephesians 5:22), the unseemly (1 Corinthians 12:23-25) and the aged (Leviticus 19:32). In fact, when the gray-haired enter a room we are told to stop talking, stand, and acknowledge with reverence the entrance of an older individual. When was the last time that happened in America? The Lord himself bestows honor on people: John 12:26 says, “If anyone serves Me, … the Father will honor him.” And Psalm 91:14-15 say, “Because he has loved Me, … I will rescue him, and honor him.” So if the Lord has no problem honoring people, considering His great glory, why are we so apt to dishonor each other? The word “honor” in the Greek meant to fix valuation, esteem by implication and to revere. Picture a home where the children revere their parents and the husband and wife honor each other. We must esteem and fix value to each other. For honor creates a spiritual buffer against the enemy’s attacks, which otherwise erode the quality of our lives. Moreover, honor releases the power of God while dishonor greatly hinders its expression. Jesus taught, “‘A prophet is not without honor except in his home town, and in his own household.’ And He did not do many miracles there because of their unbelief” (Matthew 13:57-58). The people of Jesus’ hometown did not honor Him, and their lack of honor, Jesus called, “unbelief.” In other words, when we dishonor a man or woman of God, we shut down the power. The Ability To Advance In Life Paul reminds us of the fourth commandment. He writes, “Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you…” (Eph 6:2-3). Let’s return to the story about Noah. When Ham exposed his father, Noah cursed the son of Ham, Canaan. Why didn’t Noah curse Ham instead of Ham’s son? Noah knew that, as Ham had been to him, so Canaan would be to Ham. Noah’s curse was actually profound. He said Canaan would be “a servant of servants” (see Gen 9:25). Why? Because if you can’t honor an imperfect leader, you will never advance in life. You will always be a slave. You see, there are no leaders other than imperfect leaders. Your boss, your pastor or teacher or mayor or father or mother are all imperfect. When we expose them to humiliation or dishonor by telling others of their weaknesses, it brings their curse upon us. We will never advance in life with such an attitude. To be successful, you need to be able to submit to leaders who are imperfect without dishonoring them. You say, “If I do that, I will feel like a hypocrite, a ‘yes’ man.” If you don’t show honor, you are already a hypocrite. For a true Christian esteems and respects people; you don’t have to trust them, but you must honor and respect them. Now this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have concerns when you see a problem. You may indeed have good advice or even a revelation to share that can help your leader. But don’t open the door to dishonoring leaders, especially in the church! If you see a problem, don’t follow Ham’s example. Don’t go telling your brothers; instead, cover the situation in love. Follow the procedure Jesus gives us in Matthew 18, remaining respectful and humble as you seek to bring an end to sin in a person’s life. Ham dishonored his father. The generations of Ham became slaves. How you relate to the imperfections of your superiors determines not only your future, but also the future of your children and your children’s children. Do they hear you complain about your boss? Do they listen when you criticize your pastor? Is a curse being passed on to them when they are forced by proximity to hear you bad mouth other leaders? Do you see this? You are actually teaching them how to NOT succeed in life. A dishonoring spirit will cause them to remain poor, frustrated and outside the realm of the blessed and prosperous. Right now, your children are patterning their lives after you. From you they are learning how to deal with the imperfections of life. Will they become bitter and angry at life’s structure of authority? Or will they be free to relate to imperfect authorities over them, and do so with honor? Are you breeding generations of slaves or generations of free men and women? www.frangipane.org .

This is not my life.” “Those are not my children.” “That is not my husband.” Have you ever looked around at your life and thought any of these things? I mean, this isn’t what we signed up for, right? No one told us the day we walked down that isle or the day we graduated from school or the day we heard our child’s first cry that things would one day take us to the brink of despair. That’s someone else’s life. That’s not mine. But then one day it is. One day you wake up and all those women whose lives were battered by unfaithful spouses or lost children or sickness or death are suddenly not just remote prayer requests. No longer can you abstractly look at those sad and torn lives and feel sympathy. Now you are smack in the middle of empathy. You’re living it, and the only thing you can do is look around and wonder, “What happened?” The truth is that if you’ve been an adult woman for longer than three minutes, you will have experienced these emotions, and you’ll experience them more than once. We were never promised a rose garden in this life, and for the most part, we realize that. But sometimes it’s not just a weed-infested garden that we find ourselves in the middle of. It’s a pool of sticky, slimy toxic waste, and we think, “Nope. This is not my life.” What are we to do in those moments? What does a Christian woman do when even getting out of bed seems abundantly out of the question? I have recently experienced yet another of those seasons in my life as a woman, wife, and mother, and I was struck with these thoughts in rapid succession. Huddled in the corner of my bedroom, lights off, and curled up so tightly on the floor that my joints ached, the despair caught me almost off-guard. I wasn’t even crying correctly because I couldn’t breathe well enough to make a sound. I just rocked and gasped for air. And then my thoughts changed from “This is not my life” to “I have to fix this!” Isn’t that the way we are? That’s how God created us women. We manage things. Paul referred to women as the “managers of the house” in Titus 2:5, and managers manage things. Consequently, our first instincts are to manage our situations. It only took me a few minutes, however, to realize that I couldn’t manage anyone out of anything this time, and instead of moving from that realization toward Christian resolution, I moved toward anger with God. “I know You think I’m this strong. I know You think I can handle this, and I know You said I wouldn’t be given anything more than I could handle, but I’m not this strong! This is too much!” Of course, I didn’t actually yell these things out loud, although I have before. No, this time I screamed with boldness in my head. I really was confounded by God’s apparent misidentification of my supposed strength. I needed Him to reconsider. Have you ever felt this way? Are you feeling it now? I am ever amazed at our Father’s grace. I’m in awe of His constant and abiding love and patience toward us. He could have yelled back at me right then. He could have struck me down completely for my irreverence. That would have been warranted. However, what He gently did was fill my head with these words: Debbie, I do not ordain these things in your life to point you to your own strength. I ordain them to move you toward Mine. You see, it will forever be our propensity to try and make things about us. It’s my knee-jerk reaction to bolster my own fortitude and figure things out, and then to be angry when I’m just not strong enough or smart enough or tolerant enough or when I feel forced to do things on my own. This is unfortunately an anger that when harbored will quickly turn into bitterness. Indeed there are a lot of bitter women out there, and among them is no small number of bitter Christian women. Why? Because we simply aren’t strong enough, and truthfully, that was never God’s point. Everything is about Him, and these times are meant to bring attention to Him, to His strength, His love, His mercy, His care, His tolerance, His grace, and His perfect plan. What do we do as Christian women in moments of such complete despair that we can’t even breathe? I was pouring out to a dear friend in the middle of this—which, by the way, I highly encourage you to do—and she reminded me of exactly what we are to do when we look at the life we now live and wonder how it all went so wrong so quickly. She reminded me of Psalm 121, I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. When you are on your bedroom floor and the pain is beyond your ability to bear, you do the only thing you can do, you do the only thing you should do, and you lift up your eyes. Jesus told us in Matthew 11:28-30: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” There are going to be moments in these lives as pilgrims in this foreign land when we are nothing less than confused by the things that happen. We can become downcast in our souls over the heartache inflicted on us by the ones we love the most, and we will gaze at our circumstances with a sadness that feels insurmountable. What do we do? We lift our tired, tear dimmed eyes toward heaven and unto our Father. We rest in His divine and loving purposes. After all, we have a hope that the world does not share, a hope and an assurance that we do not serve a God who is an “absentee Father.” Our Lord is fully involved in the lives of His children, and He has promised us that He has a plan, a plan that will not harm us but will bring us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) He has promised us that all of our lives are purposed for our good and His glory. (Romans 8:28) So, my sisters, lift up your eyes to the hills. From where does your help come? Your help comes from the Lord, the very Maker of the heavens and the earth. www.debwaterbury.com .