Do you tend to go through the motions at Easter? Is it just another holiday? These famous words will deepen your faith and your Easter experience. “Reasonably speaking, we can see the cross as entirely possible. But in considering Easter, we see an empty tomb as entirely impossible. And is it possible that God had to do the impossible to finally get our attention?” “Easter is the final solution to the finality of death.” “A god of the ‘possible’ is no God.” “God emptied out that first tomb so that He could turn around and empty out me.” “Maybe I don’t have enough beginnings in my life because I fought against the endings that were about to birth those beginnings.” “Although I rail against it, death is the dark demarcation beyond which I am at the mercy of my own end. To the contrary, an empty tomb says that my end is at the mercy of God’s beginning.” “Sooner or later I will realize that the very things I most desperately need are the very things I am unable to give myself. Therefore, I will either be left despising the fact that I am doomed to live out a life that is perpetually empty, or I will realize that an empty tomb is the single thing that will eternally fill me.” “I am wholly deserving of all the consequences that I will in fact never receive simply because God unashamedly stepped in front of me on the cross, unflinchingly spread His arms so as to completely shield me from the retribution that was mine to bear, and repeatedly took the blows. And I stand entirely unwounded, utterly lost in the fact that the while His body was pummeled and bloodied to death by that which was meant for me and me alone, I have not a scratch.” “Easter is a time where we are reminded that conclusions in man’s mind are beginnings in God’s plan.” “The cross unerringly exposes this stunningly marvelous and abruptly exquisite declaration that God will not let this single life of mine, with all of its grotesque maladies and pathetic filth pass into oblivion without unflinchingly declaring that my life carries a value worth the expenditure of His. And if I dare look upon the cross, I am utterly perplexed but wholly enraptured by the immensity of such a love as this.” “My sin murdered Him. And out of this self-loathing shame borne of the understanding that I could perpetrate such a heinous act, I am barely able to raise my head sufficiently to ask what crazed insanity would prompt Jesus to walk out of an empty tomb for the single purpose of pursuing a decaying soul that murdered Him? And I would be wise to consider that the question itself is asked only because I have yet to touch the barest periphery of God’s love despite the fact that because of an empty tomb it stands right in front of me.” “Perfect majesty that deliberately chose to be born into abject poverty, walk a road of perpetual poverty, and be unjustly executed in the raw nakedness of poverty is utterly ludicrous unless I realize that this is the single and sole way that God can reach me in the suffocating poverty that I myself have created.” “Despite the fact that life has repeatedly reinforced my conviction that the tomb was empty, some of my most profound errors have occurred when I was straining under the weight of a death that was in reality the liberation of a transition.” “Do I dare believe such an absurdly outrageous story that a man would die, lay lifeless in some tomb for three days and then somehow live again? Yet, if I dare to consider it, is that not exactly what I so desperately desire for this lifeless life of mine? And is Easter God’s tenderly outrageous way of telling me that that is exactly what I can have?” “There are an incalculable number of things within me that I frantically wish to be emptied of, and despite my most earnest efforts to remove them, they remain. And it is Easter that reminds me that God empties out tombs.” “Easter says that every ending ever experienced by man is exquisitely crafted to find its own ending at the feet of a fresh beginning.”

Janeen has an infectious smile. It shines on the soccer field or when she plays piano. But when this 12-year-old honor roll student’s grades began to slide, her mom began to dig for answers and discovered her daughter engrossed in Internet pornography. Therapist Richard Blankenship (who changed Janeen’s name for this story) treated Janeen for three months to help her escape what had become a secret addiction. Janeen’s story raises concern, but even more alarming is the increased exposure kids have with Internet pornography and its impact on them. Blankenship said many parents are in denial, believing their child or teen would never access content online that is inappropriate, especially pornography. But in today’s sexualized culture kids are being exposed to constant lures and suggestions that make them curious at an ever-younger age, he said. “A 5-year-old was brought to treatment with me after charging $700 worth of porn to the family credit card,” said Blankenship, a dad and director of Cornerstone Professional Counseling Center in Atlanta. The boy had been accessing free porn online without his parents’ knowledge for three months before he noticed a link where he could use a credit card. “The charge of $700 was a one-time thing, but it was the culmination of a pattern of increasing porn viewing over a three-month period.” Early detection and intervention is key, said Dr. Doug Weiss, a father, psychologist, and nationally known author who has appeared on many national talk shows including Oprah, Dr. Phil, Good Morning America, and 20/20. Parents need to prepare better so they can react in a way that encourages healing, he said. About 93% of boys and 62% of girls will be exposed to Internet pornography and most will deal with it on their own. Unfortunately, that can lead to a lifetime of problems. For instance, an obsessive use of pornography is listed as a major contributing factor in 56% of divorce cases. To protect their kids and intervene when needed, parents need a plan for media use. And they need to follow, enforce, and update that plan throughout the year. “Parents have a difficult job, because technology is constantly changing,” agreed Kevin Maginity, a pastor and Internet Safety Consultant with Covenant Eyes. “But if parents create a plan, consistently apply it, and talk about these issues with their kids, it can have a major impact on their kids’ lives.” Use Modern Tools for Modern Times The first step every parent should take is to download software that monitors how computers and handheld devices are used, said Weiss. Covenant Eyes is the only software he recommends, he said, because the Internet Accountability reports open doors to conversations that most parents are missing. If parents don’t take this first step, all of the other Internet safety guidelines are likely to fall short. “There is a porn magazine wherever there is a computer,” Weiss said of computers without parental controls and monitoring. “If a parent wants their kid to watch porn, just don’t [install monitoring software] on their phone.” Using software to monitor Internet use allows parents to catch small problems before they become big issues, he said. Of course, porn isn’t the only problem online, so being aware of Internet use is the first step in prevention for all sorts of issues, Maginity said, including online bullying and how kids use YouTube, for instance. How a child or teen uses the Internet gives parents unexpected insight into their kids’ interests, questions, and what they are being exposed to by their friends. Limit Screen Time Setting limits on screen time encourages better choices, because kids are less likely to surf the Web and surf television channels out of boredom, said Jason Evert, an international speaker and author of 10 books. He and his wife Crystalina speak to more than 100,000 teens a year, and they see kids who are absorbed with media. “The average child will spend more time watching television by the time he turns 7 than he will spend talking to his father through the entire course of his life,” Evert said. “The average teen spends 8 hours a day in media usage.” Further, he said, when you include multi-tasking with media, such as listening to music while engaged in other activity, the average teen consumes 11 hours worth of media a day. “That’s more time than they spend sleeping or at school.” Weiss said this continued consumption of media often perpetuates the sexualization of kids and teens. “It’s not just the pictures, it’s the ideas,” he said. “They’re watching TV shows where everyone is cheating on everyone else, and they are still learning about sexually inappropriate stuff.” Weiss suggests that parents create a media and Internet budget for kids and teens, which is limited to two, possibly three hours of total media use. He encourages parents to create an overall baseline for television, gaming, handheld devices, and Internet use, such as a half hour or an hour per day based on age. Then kids can earn additional time for doing chores or as reward. “So you can use media as currency,” Weiss said. “It’s a way of giving the kids some power in that decision (for how media is used).” Make Conversations Routine Pornography, Weiss argues, is part of growing up today. He challenges parents to not only block access to porn but also to talk to their kids about it, because being exposed to sexually inappropriate content is only part of the problem. The bigger problem is secrecy. That secrecy, he said, eats away at the hearts and minds of kids and gives porn its real power, which can lead to addiction. “I have had lots of conversations with my teens and thousands of other teens, but you want to have a conversation that (explains) pornography is part of our culture, because it is, just like smoking,” Weiss said. “You know we see people smoke and we have told our kids since they were 2 that smoking is a bad choice. People can make bad choices and pornography is a bad choice.” When and how often should parents talk about inappropriate content in media? Don’t wait until they are teenagers, these experts agree, and age-appropriate conversations should be at least monthly. They can spawn from television, radio, and magazine ads, or from what they hear others say. “The world is not ashamed to speak about sexuality to your kids, and if parents are quiet, then the world will fill that void of silence,” Evert said. Weiss encourages parents to practice these conversations with their kids, because kids need to know that their parents are mature enough to handle it. A child or teen may feel guilt, anxiety, and be upset about seeing inappropriate content; but even more they may be afraid of how their mom or dad might react if they talk about it. To help a child be comfortable talking about anything, Weiss has parents and kids rehearse their conversations to set the stage for when real life happens. A child or teen makes up a story about seeing inappropriate content at a gas station or on the Internet, and then they walk into the room and share that story with their parent. “We’re going to do this two or three times so that you know that you can tell me and you’re not going to die, OK?” Weiss explains. “You have to practice it, otherwise they may not tell you.” Like smoking, Weiss tells kids, pornography is a bad choice and it encourages people to make unhealthy and hurtful choices. Because of that it hurts their spirit, their mind, and their emotions. When kids lie they typically feel bad about it, he said, but keeping a porn secret is about 100 times worse than that feeling. “So pornography is designed to give you a secret; so it’s designed to make you sick,” Weiss rehearses as though a parent talking to a child. “You are going to see it here or there, maybe at school or someplace in public. When you do, just let me know… there’s no secret and you won’t feel so bad.” Practice Basic Internet Safety It’s easy to let the basics of Internet safety and guidelines to purity slip. Parents are busy and kids test and even push limits. Being consistent in upholding the technology rules of the house will establish them as the family norm, Maginity said. For instance, kids should only use Internet enabled devices in open or common areas, and not in bedrooms or behind closed doors. This basic practice has been a hallmark of Internet safety for years, Maginity said, but as laptops and handheld devices made the Internet more mobile many parents wavered on this precaution. Internet filtering is especially important for younger kids. In fact, Maginity said, parents should accompany their young children whenever they go online, because mistakes are too easily made. As a bonus, filtering will keep accidental inappropriate exposure to a minimum, even when parents are guiding the mouse for their young children. Maginity recommends these best practices. Set clear rules for how the Internet and technology may be used in your home. That will vary based on the age of family members and the personal beliefs of parents. Remember the goal is to teach kids how to use the Internet wisely, not to simply put up barriers. Teaching them now will prepare them for when they are older. Become knowledgeable. Parents need to put effort into learning about websites and how the Internet is used. Internet Accountability reports from Covenant Eyes can help parents keep up with their kids. After all, a new website is launched every second. Many sites and social media require usernames and passwords. A parent should know all password information, including that for e-mail, social networking, chat, etc. And parents should log in and review these accounts on at least a weekly basis. Being your child’s friend on Facebook is not enough as social networking sites allow the user to hide interactions. Many sites are interactive and allow kids to personalize the web content. Work with your child to create online nicknames that don’t give away personal information, such as a real name, date of birth, or address. Everyone in the household, including adults, should serve as good role models. Kids should never share personal information, such as their real names, their phone number, address, or school name, etc., with someone they meet online. And tell your kids to never agree to meet someone they met online. Video chat should only be allowed when accompanied by a parent. Monitoring and good conversations will also help you know if your child is engaging in or the victim of cyberbullying. Out of the box, many smartphones and handheld devices are nearly devoid of parental controls. Learn the facts about how to monitor smartphones and handheld devices. Spam can be a source of pornography and scams. Tell teens not to give out their e-mail address or respond to junk mail. “Being a good cyber parent requires consistent action,” Maginity said. “You’re never done. The task is never complete, however, doing it well can save you from problems that require a lot more effort and even pain.”

Once in awhile, people will ask me questions about leaving their church. They want my advice and opinion on it. This happened again very recently. Because I’ve received this question countless times over the years, I’m posting my general response here. Before you read what follows, I want you to get clear on this: there are always special circumstances and exceptions to what I’m about to say. What I’ve written here is merely my personal opinion for those who desire to hear it. It’s based on the last 30 years of watching people leave churches (of all different kinds) and the results I’ve witnessed . . . both good and unmentionable. Five points to begin with: 1. I have never asked anyone to leave a church nor have I encouraged a person to leave one. It’s simply not my place to do so. Except in rare situations where someone was being abused, I actually encourage people to stay in their church. Unless God specifically and clearly leads them out. Or it violates their conscience to stay involved. 2. I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t leave a church unless the Lord clearly directs you to leave and your family has come to a consensus on the matter. I’ll simply add that I will never understand why some people leave beautiful churches while others stay in abusive or dead churches. See my post on What Ever Happened to Perseverance? where I give examples. 3. If you leave a church, you should seek fellowship elsewhere. If you can’t find a fellowship before you leave your church, be prepared for a time in the wilderness. And be careful not to complain when you’re in it. It could last awhile. So count the cost before you make your exit. 4. Strong, healthy, Christ-centered churches that are neither legalistic nor libertine are very hard to find in our day. This includes both institutional churches and non-institutional churches. They do exist, however. On that point, I always find it amusing when someone says, “There are no good churches (organic or organized) that exist because I’ve tried looking and I can’t find any.” That’s like saying, “There are no Publix Supermarkets because I’ve looked and never found one in my town or state.” Good institutional churches and non-institutional churches do exist. But both are relatively rare in my experience and observation. And this has always been the case, even in the first century. (A large chunk of your New Testament is made up of letters that were written to churches experiencing major problems.) 5. There is no perfect church. If you expect to find one, you’re mistaken and you may prove dangerous to any Christian community. Read Bonhoeffer’s Wish Dream which expands that statement. The idea of a perfect church cuts both ways. When the issue of what the Bible teaches about church life and practice is brought up, some dismiss it by saying, “There is no perfect church. So it’s pointless to examine what the Bible teaches on the matter. Just find any church you like” (or words to that effect). This is no different from saying, “There is no perfect Christian. So it’s pointless to examine what the Bible teaches on the matter of Christian living. Just live the way you like.” On the other hand, for the person who is looking for the perfect church, you won’t find it. It doesn’t exist, and it has never existed. And if it did, it would no longer be perfect when you arrived . . . unless of course you believe you’re a perfect person. If you can find a group of Christians who love Jesus and want Him over “things,” who desire fellowship and community, who aren’t legalistic or libertine, and who know the basics of what it means to love others (i.e., treat others the way they want to be treated), then you’ve found something precious on this earth . . . regardless of the “form,” the meeting location, the size, or “denomination” it may take. That said, for those of you who asked (or will ask), if God clearly leads you to leave a particular church, here are my suggestions on what not to do: 1. It’s not a good idea to meet with your pastor in person and tell him/her all the things you don’t like about the way he/she runs the church. In addition, it’s unwise to criticize his/her sermons. Unless of course you want to be boiled in olive oil or roasted over a slow spit. Seriously: Complaining about what you don’t like or what you don’t think is “biblical” to a church leader is a study in insanity most of the time. If you do this, prepare for a lot of unnecessary defensiveness and anger targeted at you. And don’t be so naïve to think that people are going to be swayed by your peerless arguments. Most won’t. At the end of Reimagining Church (Chapter 15), I explain in some detail what you can expect if you try to change a church that you’re attending. It’s not advisable. And for the two people out there who see themselves as prophets: There’s a big difference between being a genuine prophet and presuming on the role (the “persecuted prophet complex” as I call it). Make sure you are clear headed enough to know the difference. What’s the alternative? Most wise people I know who left a church graciously wrote a letter to the leadership simply explaining that the Lord was moving them on . They added thanks for what they learned and gained, and ended by saying that they haven’t committed apostasy, they still love the Lord and are following Him, so there’s no need for the reconciliation committee to pay them a panic visit (or words to that effect). If you were a hefty tither to the church, this may not work. The committee may visit you anyway. But you can try. 2. It’s not a good idea to give your pastor or the people in your congregation books or articles that challenge what he/she is doing. There’s an excellent chance that those books and articles weren’t written to or for pastors or to or for people who are content with church. I can’t speak for others, but this is absolutely the case with my books, Pagan Christianity and Reimagining Church. Those volumes were written specifically for people who already left the institutional form of church as we know it or who feel in their gut that church can and should be much different, but they aren’t sure why they feel this way. These books are not for leaders or for people who enjoy church as we know it. We didn’t write it for that audience, and so giving that audience these books will only create unnecessary problems. So I cannot endorse it. 3. This next point is on the par with the Law and the Prophets: Please don’t take anyone else with you. Meaning, nevah evah cause division. That includes after you leave as well as during your departure. This also includes corrupting your friends who attend the church with your complaints against the church and/or its leaders. It also includes trying to recruit them away from the church by giving them “subversive literature” that you know will cause them confusion. Barna and I actually warned about this in the very beginning of Pagan Christianity, saying, (At this moment, all the rebellious hearts are applauding and are plotting to wield the above paragraphs to wreak havoc in their churches. If that is you, dear rebellious heart, you have missed our point by a considerable distance. We do not stand with you. Our advice: Either leave your church quietly, refusing to cause division, or be at peace with it. There is a vast gulf between rebellion and taking a stand for what is true.) Pagan Christianity, p. 5. And again near the end: We hope that this book will give God’s people permission to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit, wherever that may lead them. No one should feel pressured to remain in a particular type of church if he or she feels the Lord is leading him or her out of it. And no one should feel pressured to leave, either. With that in mind, the advice we would offer to those who feel called to leave the institutional church [or any other kind] is threefold. 1) Leave quietly and do not take anyone else with you. In other words, do not cause division. 2) Resist becoming bitter against the institutional church [or any other kind]. If you have been hurt by people in it, take your pain to the cross. Harboring bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. Few things are as lethal. 3) Actively seek Christians to fellowship with around Jesus Christ. Pagan Christianity, p. 269. Just because God may be leading you out of a particular church doesn’t mean that He’s leading everyone else out. Now or in the future. If you leave in a Christ-honoring, gracious way, I believe the Lord will be pleased. If you leave in the flesh, I can promise you things will be very difficult afterwards. Not a good beginning to start a new season on. I can singe your ears with horror stories, but this post is already too long. Again, there are always some extraordinary exceptions to all of this (like if your church is involved in criminal activity. Then calling the authorities might be a good idea). But in general, for the vast majority of cases, that’s my 13 cents on the matter. Used by permission. www.frankviola.org

Jesus embodied compassion. What can we learn from how He treated others? True compassion demands action. It interrupts our daily routine. Caring costs. But compassion changes lives! Preached at LifeChurch.tv. Used by permission.

Did you know that your kids use anger to control the people around them? Anger may be a natural emotion, yet we have seen the devastating effects it can have on the whole family. Teaching your child how to deal with anger will not only help your family, but it also prepares you children for future situations. Doug: We’re talking about anger, anger in your kids. I think it is going to be a great episode. Andrea: This isn’t just a kid thing. This can touch home for a lot of us adults, too. Doug: It wasn’t that many years ago that one of my kids actually came to me and said, “Dad, I am afraid of you. You are an angry person.” When one of your kids comes and looks you in the eye and says that, you are either going to tell them they are crazy and yell at them or you can go, “Oh. I think maybe I should go do something about it.” And I quickly learned that guess who was the angry person in the house? Moi. And it was the best gift anybody ever gave me, that I learned how to deal with it. You do not want your kids to go and say that they are afraid of you. Anger is a real issue. Where does anger come from in kids? Dr. Leman: One of the best sermons I have ever heard in a church was entitled How to Be Good and Angry. Doug: How to Be Good and Angry. Dr. Leman: “How to Be Good and Angry”. Anger itself it’s not something bad. It is a human emotion. We all have anger in our life from time to time. Sometimes, it is situational where a kid will just make us angry. I have had things like coming home to see that someone had driven the van through the garage door. I had two teenager drivers at that time, but I knew who did it. He had a signature all over it. I did not get angry. I sat there and just sort of took it in. I asked myself, “How could she possibly do that?” We talk about anger we have a choice to be angry. Lots of anger does not seem to be a choice because it’s just sort of an automatic response to something that we did not expect to have happened. But kids who get angry continue to get angry many times because they are little perfectionists who feel like life has to go just a certain way. And when life goes wrong, for example kids who are in competitive sports, it is easy to be a good winner, it is very difficult to be a good loser. When things do not go well for kids, lots of times, the kid will throw a temper tantrum. I like to call them power tantrums. The kid who is angry is usually a powerful person. Now again, keep in mind that anger is a very natural feeling that all of us have from time to time. Every time Doug and Andrea get angry, let’s have them blow a little air into a balloon. Again before long, you have a few kids around you. That balloon might be pretty full of air in a short period of time. What happens with people who tend to get angry, notice it is a little straw that broke the camel’s back. A little thing can set off this momentous explosion of anger. Keep in mind the analogy that every time you get angry, you blow a little air in the balloon. Before long, you have this balloon with just one more little puff of air, and maybe we all did this as kids blowing up a balloon. We blew it up so far it snapped in our face. So it is with human behavior. Something happens and everything just blows. This goes back to an earlier podcast that we have talked about, about if I could just throw up when I have the flu I know I would feel better. Lots of times with anger, we emotionally throw up on another person and now we feel better because the tension has been released. But look what we did to somebody else. Now the analogy back to this little balloon. Remember the noise we used to create by taking the neck of the balloon and we’d stretch it? We would make that terrible sound that would drive your sister, or your brother, or your parent up the wall. It is interesting. When you do that, when you let air out, although it is uncomfortable to hear what happens to the balloon? It gets softer, it gets malleable. What is the chance of it exploding? Zero. None. Zilch. If you can get a person to talk about what is bothering them inside in a productive way, you lessen the probability of these explosions because the explosions hurt. When you are angry, if you are an angry husband, you say something to your wife. The words you choose to use with your wife, or your husband, or your kids make a huge difference. I am on record in saying the words you choose can change the path of a relationship by just thinking your way to behavioral change. No drugs from the shrink just thinking your way to behaving differently with the words you choose to use with your wife, or your husband, or your kid. Kids continue to get angry because life is not going perfect for them. They are the ones that throw their tennis racket. We have had great athletes. Was it John McEnroe who had the great temper? Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman: Again temper only continues because it is reinforced. Years ago, there was an ad on television for E.F. Hutton, a financial investment group if I remember right. But he punch line was “When E.F. Hutton talked, everyone listened.” They showed everything just came with an abrupt halt. And so it is when people have an explosion. You are going to be around someone and all of a sudden they have this terrible explosion. You sort of freak out. Everything becomes quiet, you become frightened because of this explosion of anger. Anger can be used to control other people. Andrea: Once they learn that, then they use that as a pattern. Dr. Leman: Yes. And it is manifested in so many different ways in their life. There is people who are listening to us who are in marriages where they feel like they just have to walk on eggs. You have to walk on eggs around your partner. Why? Because if you say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, Harold is going to explode, Marsha is going to have a hissy fit. That is not a comfortable way to live. It just is not. Kids are the same way. When kids get crossed and you give a kid vitamin N which is “No, we are not going to do that,” and they have this huge temper tantrum, realize that that temper tantrum serves a purpose. Purpose being that that is my way of saying “I am very upset with what you have said that I cannot go and do what other kids do at my age,” or whatever. It is a kid’s way of saying, “I am in control of you and I rebuke the authority you are trying to exist over me.” When a kid gets angry, saying something like, “Honey, you seem angry. Listen I can tell by the expression on your face you are really not ready to talk right now. You are still pretty upset about this. But when you calm down I would like to talk to you about it. Just come on in the family room when you are ready. We will sit down. I would like to hear what you have to say about it.” I would like to hear what you have to say about it. There is an open invitation for the kid to talk. And you let him talk. Is he going to say things that are all going to line up with what you think? No, but you still hear him out with tell me more about that, without asking questions. If you got a control freak in your famil, whether it is a husband, wife or kid, number one: Do not ask them questions. Asking questions will get you nowhere. Doug: If you have a control freak and you ask them questions it will get you nowhere. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Do not ask them questions. Tell me more about that, or honey can I ask your opinion about something?” Andrea: Why does that take you nowhere if you ask them a question? Dr. Leman: Because it puts the defenses up immediately, especially for men. You women, use three and a half times number of words that we men use in a given day. Sharing, communicating, talking, that is right up your alley. It is not for your husband because he specializes in arm’s length relationships. Andrea: So what would I say to him instead? Dr. Leman: “Honey, can I ask your opinion about something?” When you say it to a husband or a kid it says, “I value what you think.” There is not a man on this Earth that would not tell you how he thinks. There is just some gentle ways of doing it without asking a question. This is interesting because right now I am framing out a book about middle school kids. I make the point that here is this kid sailing along, great little kid. All of a sudden, he hits the sixth grade. He does not talk, in the morning you are lucky to get a grunt out of him. You say, “Leman, I drive him to school nine miles. He does not say a word. I am lucky to get a word out of the kid.” Well, do not ask him questions. If I did not ask him questions, he would just sit there. Fine, let him just sit there. Drive him to school. If you want to say something, just before he slams the door say, “Have a good day.” If he forgets his lunch, that is not the end of the world. He will bump some food off of his buddies. Doug: How do we, as parents, help our children release that anger out of the balloon little bits at a time? Dr. Leman: Again, I wrote the Birth Order book so forgive the Birth Order reference. Let me say something that a middle child has never heard in their entire life. Honey, what do you think? We never ask the middle child anything because the first born and the baby overrun things. Saying to kids, “Honey, I would like to know your opinion about things.” It is a question, but it is an opinion question as opposed to just flat out asking kid’s questions. They perceive that as an agenda, it puts their ears back a little bit, and their defenses go up immediately. Again, there is a lot of ways to skin a cat. I remember a long time ago when kids cry and sometimes in private practice, working the families you would see a kid cry. I always try to be close enough to the family so I could touch them if I needed to. When I learned when the kid starts to tear up and tell you how rough things are, you just reach over and touch their knee or touch their arm. Even though it seems like they are going to stop talking and just cry when you just touched him, they will continue on. If you let them stop, that is the end of it. They are just going to break down. Then they will get embarrassed and leave, slam the door, leave the office, whatever. Just touching somebody says, “I am with you. You do not have to say much.” Doug: When your kids start to exhibit any type of emotional response be really aware. Dr. Leman: You may want to touch him. You might just say, “Honey, you seem awfully upset. And I do not know if you want to talk about it now or later but I just want you to know I really would like to hear what you say.” Let me speak a little Birth Order for a second. You got Little Miss Goody Two Shoes in the number one position. And right behind her is that sister, just two years behind her. I think the parent is so smart to pull aside that second kid. The second kid might be the one that has got the anger in them. You might say to little Sally about her older sister Samantha, “Hey, honey. Can I ask you a question? Would you mind if I asked you a question? I like your opinion about something.” There, the opinion part, you will probably get a yes. “Yeah, what is it?” “Well, your sister. Is she a little over the top or is it me? Is she a little too much or is it me?” What you have done with that second child is you said, “Hey, I get it. That is a big shadow to live up to. Little Miss Goody Two Shoes who gets straight As without racking a book and here you are struggling to get Bs.” What you are doing is what I call establishing equality with your kid. You are getting behind the kid’s eye and just saying to them in commercial form, I understand what you are up against. And while we are on the subject of your big sister, is your younger sister Cory a brat with a capital B? Or is it my imagination? She can be the biggest pest in the world. Now, you have just hit gold with this middle child. This middle child says, “Oh, thank the Lord. Somebody understands my plate in life. I am sandwiched between little Miss Goody Two Shoes and little Brat breath herself.” Then you put a little humor in it. It is a tough position to be in. I always tell people it is like me going on Jay Leno and finding out that the woman from San Diego Zoo has brought her animal act on. In fact I was on The View once, a couple of times actually, but one of the times I was on, we talked about my book “Sheet Music” which is a sex book for couples. Talking to those crazy women of New York about sex, they do not care about me, some chubby guy from Tucson, Arizona. Anyway, when I was done, I walked into the green room which was located right behind the set. John Stewart the comedian, was there. Everybody was clapping when I walked in. I knew I did a good job. You only get six minutes, by the way. I walked in and John Stuart looked up at me and said, “Thanks a lot.” That is as good a compliment as you get in New York. In other words, he was the next one up. Keep in mind that many of these kids were angry, see the discrepancy and how we treat the kids in the family. We tend to over identify with the kid that’s most like us in the family which sometimes causes friction. It is the differences that make as a couple, it is the differences that help us get along in parenthood. It’s sort of an interesting. Kids form alliances where number one and number three might be best buds and number two and number four, or it might be number one and number four against two and three when there is a fight about something. It is interesting. Doug: What I find interesting about this that is very uncomfortable is we are not really talking about the kid. We are talking about us parents. A, What are we modeling for the kids and B, How are we treating the kids? Are we actually setting our kids up to be angry within our own home? And if I hear what you are saying correctly is sit down one on one with your kids every now and then and be real with them. Do not be fake, do not be a phony. Identify with them and speak their language, be with them. Andrea : Let that anger off bit by bit rather than squelch it. Dr. Leman: Well, there is an appropriate way for anger. Sometimes these kids, like in athletic contests, they just kick themselves around the field because they made an error or they blew something. You can say to a kid, “Honey, I know this is a huge thing to you but I got to tell you the truth. It is not a huge thing to me.” and walk away. In other words, do not feed the perfectionism. The kid wants to feel like it is the end of the world, he can feel it is the end of the world. Nothing you are going to say is going to dissuade that. But you can simply say very glibly, “It is not that big deal to me.” Doug: That is great. You did say a couple times is it is often the perfectionist that would be the angry child. Dr. Leman: Oh, yes. Doug: And help them be set free from that perfection. Dr. Leman: We should probably do a whole thing on perfectionism because it is slow suicide. You will never get there. You are like the donkey looking for the carrot in the stick. You are going to walk the walk and you are going to try but you are never going to get there. That is what’s fruitless about perfectionism. Let me remind you, if you are a person if faith, a guy named St. Paul called himself wretched. Now if St. Paul is wretched, please tell me what is Andrea, Doug, and Kevin Leman if St. Paul is wretched. There are so many schools named after him. It is unbelievable. He has got to be important. Doug: Let us add that to the list. I think that would be a fabulous one to set people free from. Andrea: Perfectionism, okay. Doug: We hope that we helped you today get a grip on anger in your children and a way to get around it. And the idea of getting one on one with your kids and analyzing your own responses to your kid’s responses would be great. I encourage you to listen to some of the earlier sessions that we have done that really talked about how we, as parents, either inflame it by our responses or even we escalate it. Dr. Leman: Simple things. I see you are upset. Doug: I see you are upset. Dr. Leman: You seem angry. Hey, I can tell by the expression on your face this was not a good day. Do you want to talk about it? We can talk about it now, we can talk about it later. But I just want you to know, I am all ears if you want to talk. Podcast Transcript from Podcast 078: www.birthorderguy.com with Dr. Kevin Leman. Used by permission.

How do you keep those first-time visitors coming? Every single Sunday, the goal of our services at North Point is the same: to create an experience so engaging that folks will want to return next week. Each week, we’re trying to earn one more Sunday. This affects everything from how we make announcements at the beginning of the service to how our volunteers say goodbye at the end. So on Easter Sunday—when so many new faces fill the rows—we want to make sure we hit the bullseye on that target. Here are three things we do to turn Easter Sunday first-time visitors into returning guests the next week. 1. Assume they’re in the room. We start the service by explaining to first-time guests what they can expect from their visit (e.g., We’re going to sing a couple of songs, hear a message from Andy, and we’ll make sure you’re out of here in just over an hour so you can make it to your brunch reservation on time). We don’t make any insider-specific announcements. And we often open with a secular song or a funny video so guests can sing or laugh along with us instead of feeling like outsiders looking in. When we assume visitors are in the room, it’s easy to see how we need to adjust our communication to make them feel comfortable. 2. Acknowledge their skepticism. Agreeing with everything that’s said from stage isn’t a requirement for sitting in our seats. And we say so. In his message, Andy often acknowledges the skepticism of visitors by saying things like, If you’re here today and you’re not a Christian or you’re not sure about Jesus or the Bible, you’re off the hook for this. You just get to listen in on what us Christians are expected to do. This is an intentional way of telling visitors that they are welcome to keep coming back, even if they don’t believe everything we do. 3. Provide an easy next-step. Church should be the safest, most logical place to go to ask questions about faith, right? But how does that happen? Should someone with doubts or questions just interrupt the sermon? Or whisper his or her question to the guy sitting nearby? We think it’s imperative to create a safe space for these folks to speak up. For us, that environment is called Starting Point, an 8-week small group conversation where doubts and questions are welcome. When we know we have lots of first-time visitors joining us, we pitch Starting Point as an environment created specifically for them and make it easy to get more info or to sign up for a group. Many churches offer a 6-8 week class to introduce visitors to Christ and to your church. www.npc.org . Used by permission.

It was 8:00 p.m. and we nearly had a family riot. We had another 2 loads to move. I had said we’d only work until 8:00 pm. One child, said “You said we’d only work til 8:00 and it is 8:00.” Another said, “We were going to play a family game tonight and it will be too late if we do another trip.” This all started because the oldest demanded, “We are so close and must finish!” The last child was over on the grass making daisy necklaces and was fine with whatever. Luckily, no one threw a punch or shoved each other. There were a few tears. How did we get such different children with such different perspectives? If you have more than one child, then you know that each child acts differently, gets bothered by different things, and works on different types of projects. What drives these differences? Their Life Theme drives their actions All humans have a life theme. Our life theme is how we determine if we matter to the world, and to those around us. You can identify your child’s life theme by filling in this phrase: “I only count in life when I ______________.” How would your child finish the phrase, “I only count in life when I ______________”? Is it attention, finishing a project, getting all A’s, winning in football, creating art that people adore, dominating others, serving others, helping others, getting their way, or winning at video games, etc.? Another way to find your child’s life theme is to imagine a social situation for your child, then predict what they will do. For example, do they try to get the other kids to make beautiful art? Do they dominate the others til they are in charge of what the group is doing? Do they clown around until others pay attention to them? Be honest. There are good and bad sides to many life themes. What is important is that you know what your child’s life theme is, so you can address it. Key Insight Your child’s personality forms by age 5. Let me say it again. By age 5, your child has developed his personality and life theme! Your kid learns through trial and error to determine who they are. Be aware of what you are encouraging and discouraging during their trial and errors. As the parent, you have the ability to help develop the healthy aspects, and discourage the unhealthy. If you ignore your kids, they will use negative means to get your attention, which reinforces the negative sides of their life theme. For example, one of our kids uses pouting to get Andrea to drop whatever she is doing and give her attention. The child has learned that Andrea has a soft spot for pouting and she exploits it. How to help develop a positive life theme Figure out what their life theme is by noticing how they finish the phrase, “I only count in life when I ____________.” Use psychologic disclosure: Reveal to them what their life theme looks like and how their actions from it are positive or destructive. Tell them you are concerned about where they are going with this life theme. Have them take the next 30 minutes to think about it. Say, “I can’t make you think about it, but I am asking you to think about it for your sake.” After 30 minutes, ask them where they are think their life theme is leading them. What type of adult will they be? Also, consider what will this life theme look like as an adult. It might be cute or tolerable as a child, but likely to be destructive in a marriage or as an employee. Now is the time to address it. Gratitude = Good Things If you want to make sure your child develops the good side of their life theme, then teach them to serve others and develop a spirit of gratitude. Notice the Good When you see them do something positive, pull them aside and say, “I noticed you did XYZ. I bet that makes you feel good inside.” Use encouragement to reinforce positive behavior. Action Steps: Figure out your child’s life theme, by answering this phrase, “I only count in life when I _________________.” Also notice how they interact in social settings. Realize that by age 5, their life theme is set. Be proactive now. Use the 5 steps listed above to help develop good life theme attributes. Teach them gratitude, so their life theme pulls to the good side. Notice when they do something positive. Use encouragement. Used by permission of the author.

Materialists believe that the mind emerges from the brain and that the mind (soul) is an artifact of the brain. Like the Sadducees of Jesus’ time, they only believe what they can see, feel and touch (Matthew 22:23-31, Acts 23:8). This has been the prevailing paradigm in the western scientific world since Charles Darwin’s Theory of Evolution became the dominant scientific dogma. Recently, however, there has been growing dissent in the area of neuroscience, psychology and psychiatry because the result of adherence to the materialists’ philosophy in the lives of patients, where the rubber meets the road, has been devastating [1]. Interestingly the discovery of the baffling area of quantum physics at the beginning of the last century [2] marked the beginning the crumbling of materialist philosophy. Denial of the power of the mind, and by extension the spirit, in the treatment of patients with mental and even physical disorders, has led to poor treatment outcomes in many cases. The materialist position, therefore, is becoming increasing untenable. Alternatively the Bible presents the view of the spirit, soul and the body as separate, but intimately integrated entities (Genesis 2:7, Matthew 26:41, 1 Thessalonians 5:23, Hebrews 4:12). Each of us is a spirit, having a soul (mind) and living in a body. Life is actually a spiritual force. The mind has the power of intellect, emotions and free will [3], and, if enabled by the spirit and, empowered by the Holy Spirit, can make good choices that can positively change the body, which includes the brain. The materialist view, however, in denying the existence of the spirit and soul, has held to the pre-eminence of the body. This mindset contributed to the view that the brain could not really be changed once we reached adolescence and that all we could hope for in many psychiatric and neurological conditions was compensation and reliance on medication rather than a total cure. This was the prevailing view in the 1980s when Dr. Caroline Leaf started in research and clinical practice as a communication pathologist treating patients with various mental and neurological conditions in clinical and educational settings and research settings. Because of her belief in the biblical view, she set out to help patients, who the medical community had given up on, with remarkable results [4]. She also was able help transform destitute students in deprived schools even to international notice [5]. At the time clinicians and educationalists like her, who believed in the power of the mind to change the brain, were scoffed at. However, as the Sanhedrin discovered, when faced with the walking man who was once crippled (Act 4:14), it was difficult to deny her results. Fortunately certain discoveries have led credence to the biblical view, Dr Leaf’s research included. It was discovered that the brain continually changes in response to mental and sensory signals throughout the human life span [6]. This process has now been termed ‘neuroplasticity’. It was once thought that, as adults, we had the full complement of nerve cells (neurons) and that we basically lost neurons until we died. Now we know scientifically that we continue to produce neurons in certain areas of the brain constantly, a process known as neurogenesis [7]. The growing medical specialties of psychoneuroimmunology and psychoneuroendocrinology [8] are bringing to light the intimate relationship between the mind, the brain and the immune and endocrine systems. Remarkably the eye-opening science of epigenetics is showing how our choices can profoundly influence, not just our own genes and those that we are in relationship with, but the genes of multiple generations of our descendants [9]. There is thankfully now a growing opposition to the materialist view even among mainstream scientists. In response to the growing evidence of the mind being able to change the brain, materialist have held the view that it is the brain that changes the brain [10]- this is akin to a computer reprogramming and redesigning itself. Thankfully, in the face of growing recent evidence, the materialist view is losing some of its pre-eminence. There is growing dissent among a populace that is seeking answers to gnawing questions and cures to intractable mental and physical disorders [11]. Surveys show that the majority of lay people globally do not see themselves as biological automata, but as thinking human beings with the ability to think and choose making biological change [12]. Furthermore, the crisis in the education, over-labeling and over-medication of our children is crying out for a change of direction. It is time to return to what the Creator says about the nature of man in the Bible- He knows what we are made of and how we are made (Psalm 103:14). The Mind definitely changes the Brain. References 1. Philos Trans R Soc Lond B Biol Sci. 2005 Jun 29;360(1458):1309-27. Quantum physics in neuroscience and psychology: a neurophysical model of mind-brain interaction. Schwartz JM, Stapp HP, Beauregard M. Nour Foundation: Mind-Body Connections: How Does Consciousness Shape the Brain? United Nations 9/11/2008- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwXhcyTe7qQ Creation Ministires:’ Charles Darwin’s real message: have you missed it’ by Carl Wieland-http:// creation.com/charles-darwins-real-message-have-you-missed-it 2. Nobelprize.org – The Nobel Prize in Physics 1918. http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/physics/laureates/1918/ 3. The Spiritual Man – June 1, 1968 Watchman Nee 4. Mind-Mapping: A Therapeutic Technique for Closed-Head Injury, a dissertation submitted for her Masters at the University of Pretoria, May 1990. Mind-mapping as a Therapeutic technique, in Communiphon, South African Speech-Language-hearing Association No. 296, pg. 11-15,November 1990. 5. The Mind-Mapping Approach: A Model and Framework for Geodesic Learning, a dissertation submitted for her Ph.D. at the University of Pretoria, March 1997. The Development of a Model for Geodesic Learning: The Geodesic Information Processing Model, in the South African Journal of Communication Disorders, Vol. 44, 1997. 6. Neural Plasticity Volume 2014 (2014), Article ID 541870, 10 pages. Adult Neuroplasticity: More Than 40 Years of Research. Eberhard Fuchs and Gabriele Flügge. 7. Nat Rev Neurosci. 2000 Oct;1(1):67-73. Neurogenesis in the adult brain: death of a dogma. Gross CG. 8. International Society of Psychoneuroendocrinology- www.ispne.org/. Psychoneuroimmunology Research Society- www.pnirs.org/. 9. Ethan Watters, “DNA Is Not Destiny: The New Science of Epigenetics Rewrites the Rules of Disease, Heredity, and Identity,” Discover, November 2006, http://discovermagazine.com/2006 nov/cover. Nova- Ghost In Your Genes, 2006 Nat Rev Genet. 2012 Jan 31;13(3):153-62. Understanding transgenerational epigenetic inheritance via the gametes in mammals. Daxinger L, Whitelaw E. 10. The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science– December 18, 2007 by Norman Doidge 11. Med J Aust. 2004 Jun 7;180(11):587-9. The rise and rise of complementary and alternative medicine: a sociological perspective. Coulter ID, Willis EM. 12. Scientific American- Site Survey Shows 60 Percent Think Free Will Exists. Read Why. By Gary Stix | January 15, 2015 | http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/talking-back/site-survey-shows-60-percent-think-free-will-exists-read-why/

Imagine you’re part of a NASA team preparing for a five-year mission to Mars. After a period of extensive training, the launch date finally arrives. As the rocket lifts off, one of your fellow astronauts asks, “What do you know about Mars?” Envision shrugging your shoulders and saying, “Nothing. We never talked about it. I guess we’ll find out when we get there.” It’s unthinkable, isn’t it? It’s inconceivable that your training wouldn’t have included extensive study of and preparation for your ultimate destination. Yet in seminaries, Bible schools, and churches around the world, there’s very little teaching about our ultimate destination: the New Heavens and New Earth. We’re told how to get to Heaven, and that it’s a better destination than Hell, but we’re taught remarkably little about Heaven itself. Are the Present Heaven and the Eternal Heaven Different? The apostle Paul considered it vital for us to know what happens when we die: “Dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died” (1 Thessalonians 4:13, NLT). People usually think of “Heaven” as the place Christians go when they die. But this keeps us from understanding important biblical distinctions. A better definition explains that Heaven is God’s central dwelling place, the location of his throne from where he rules the universe. The exact location of the present Heaven is unknown, but we’re told the future Heaven will be located on the New Earth, where God will come down to live with his people (Revelation 21:3). The present Heaven is a place of transition between believers’ past lives on Earth and future resurrection lives on the New Earth. Life in the Heaven we go to when we die is “far better” than living here on Earth under the Curse, away from the direct presence of God (Philippians 1:23). But although it will be a wonderful place, the present Heaven is not the place we’re made for, the place God promises to refashion for us to live in forever. God’s children are destined for life as resurrected beings on a resurrected Earth. Revelation 21:1 says, “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared.” Once we abandon our assumption that Heaven cannot change, it all makes sense. God doesn’t change; he’s immutable. But God clearly says that Heaven will change. It will eventually be relocated to the New Earth. What Will the New Earth and Life There Be Like? Ephesians 1:10 says that God’s plan is “to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.” Just as God and man will be forever united in Jesus, so Heaven and Earth will forever be united in the new physical universe, where we’ll live as resurrected people. God will live with us on the New Earth. That will bring all things in Heaven and on Earth together. “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God’” (Revelation 21:3). We’ll live and rule and serve with our Lord Jesus, the source of all joy and happiness. To be in resurrected bodies on a resurrected Earth in resurrected friendships, enjoying a resurrected culture with the resurrected Jesus—now that will be the ultimate party! Everybody will be who God made them to be—and none of us will ever suffer or die again. Mankind was designed to live on the Earth to God’s glory. That’s exactly what Christ’s incarnation, death and resurrection secured—a renewed humanity upon a renewed Earth. A common misunderstanding about the eternal Heaven is that it will be unfamiliar. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. When we hear that in Heaven we’ll have new bodies and live on a New Earth, this is how we should understand the word new—a restored and perfected version of our familiar bodies and our familiar Earth and our familiar relationships. How Does Longing for Our Eternal Home Affect Us Now? After saying “we are looking forward to a New Heaven and a New Earth, the home of righteousness,” Peter immediately adds, “So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him” (2 Pet. 3:13-14). Knowing we’ll live forever as resurrected people on a New Earth helps us realize that the choices we make today, including choices of personal holiness—and how we act toward others—will make an indelible mark on eternity. God is watching. He’s keeping track. Jesus said that in Heaven He’ll reward us for acts of faithfulness to Him, right down to every cup of cold water we’ve given to the needy in His name (see Mark 9:41). Life on Earth matters, not because it’s the only life we have, but precisely because it isn’t—it’s the beginning of a life that will continue without end on a renewed Earth. What God says about our future enables us to interpret our past and serve Him in our present. Whether it’s coaching a team, mentoring young people, mowing a widow’s lawn, standing up for unborn children, working for racial reconciliation, going on short-term missions trips, or giving a large portion of your income to missions or inner-city work—If you’re doing it through Christ’s power you’re bringing a foretaste of the coming New Earth to this current, hurting Earth. We shouldn’t forget the compelling reality that we’re citizens of two realms, which will one day be consolidated into one—a New Heaven and a New Earth, indivisible and under the eternal rule of Christ. On that Earth, we’ll look back with satisfaction and gratitude at the difference, by God’s grace, we were able to make on this Earth. Our perspective today is informed by the reality that resurrection awaits God’s children. This means we’ll never pass our peaks. The best is yet to come! No need for bucket lists, because the adventures awaiting us in the New Heavens and on the New Earth will far exceed the greatest thrills of this life. Right when we think “it can’t get any better than this”…it will. epm.org . Used by permission.

Climbing into the car, I pasted on a brave smile and waved. “Bye, Sweetie,” I called out the window, swallowing hard to dissolve the lump in my throat. As I pulled out of the driveway, I watched my husband through the rearview mirror, growing smaller and farther away. That picture depicted exactly how I felt on Sundays; our marriage grew small and far away with miles between us. I longed to share the most important part of my life, Jesus, with the most important person in my life, my husband. Once again, I was driving to church alone. Going to church by myself was the hardest thing I did all week, much more difficult at this point than when the kids were small and lived at home. They gave me accountability, a reason to go, and someone to sit with. Now I looked for excuses to stay home. I always arrived after the service began. That way I didn’t have to greet everyone with a happy smile and tell people, “I’m fine,” when in truth I didn’t feel fine at all. My heart grieved. This unequally yoked life is a lonesome trek. After 22 years of walking alone in my Christianity, a large chunk of my life is separate from my spouse’s—lived singly. Sadly, Dean barely knows most of my Christian friends. Spiritual singleness is a difficult role. Churches everywhere include married people who walk alone in their relationship with God. Their spouses either lack commitment or do not believe. I was not as alone in this as I sometimes felt, and though it’s a solitary trek, I’ve learned that certain choices make it easier. KNOWING MY LIMITATIONS I avoid Sunday School classes for married adults, which only depress me and make contentment more difficult to achieve. For me, it’s like a magnifying glass, enlarging my grief and my total, complete aloneness. I also shun sad movies, because they leave me feeling down for days. I figure life’s sad enough—why torture myself? In other words, I know myself, and I don’t invite unnecessary struggles. Kathy always enjoyed her class for married adults, even though her husband stayed home. I used to tease her, accusing her of being a Pollyanna. Attending a couples’ event alone didn’t daunt her. For me, it was worse than having surgery without anesthesia. So I play it safe and veer toward women’s ministry events. All the women are there alone, so it’s not an issue. Since my kids are grown and gone from home, I also avoid family affairs. They only serve to remind me that my nest is empty and I walk alone with God. I attend a small church and am the only person without either a husband or a child. My pew is completely empty, except for me, and since adapting to a vacant nest has been a difficult adjustment in my life, I avoid tormenting myself more. For me to feel I fit in, I needed to be involved in the service. I started by teaching a preschool Sunday School class. Since then, I’ve taught women, high school girls, and college girls. This is my niche, and I encourage you to find yours. Helping gives me a reason to get to church on Sundays, a place to belong, and a sense of purpose bigger than myself. Every church has unfilled positions and needs more assistance. Ask God where He’s sending you. It’s commonly said that in any church 20 percent of the parishioners do 80 percent of the work. Think of the possibilities—nursery work, choir, hospital visitation. The list is limitless. Maybe God will use your gifts to start something new. AGONY AND ECSTASY “I think I’ll go with you today,” Ted informed Krista as she started out the door one Sunday morning. Her stomach knotted. She glanced at him, wondering what brought this on. “Sure.” “I’ll change my shirt and be right out.” Joy and dread warred within her. Every time Ted attended church her hopes soared. Is this the day he’ll ask Jesus into his life? Will this be the first of many weeks we’ll sit in church together? Will anyone talk to him? Will he hate the sermon? The music? At best, the experience was bittersweet. On the drive, Krista rubbed sweaty palms against her cotton skirt, praying fervently in silence. God, please help him feel comfortable, and send men to shake his hand. Let the pastor’s message pierce his heart with truth. Open his eyes to see his need for You. Her endless, noiseless begging continued as she walked toward the double doors. “Where would you like to sit?” she whispered. No use dragging him up to the front, where she normally settled into one of the first five rows. He would definitely be intimidated then. Ted pointed to the last row. Krista nodded and slipped into the second chair, leaving him the seat on the end. Her hands, balled tightly into fists, rested in her lap. Her tension mounted as the praise team took the stage. “I was a wreck, scrutinizing everything,” Krista commented afterward. “Every word the pastor uttered—I wondered how Ted interpreted it. I left with a headache, a stomach ache, and wondered if my life would be easier if he just stayed home. His coming along put me on an emotional roller coaster that left me exhausted and depressed. “I wished the pastor had said this instead of that, wished the man sitting in front of us was friendlier, and wished the associate minister who prayed for the offering had foregone his mini-sermon about tithing. I already knew how Ted felt about church and money issues. “Anyway,” Krista continued, catching her breath, “one day the truth hit me. I wasn’t trusting God! Startled by the revelation, I cried. I needed to relax and not worry about all the details. God is sovereign, and He’s big enough to handle the particulars. This concept brought freedom. I still pray for God to take charge of everything said and done, but then I just enjoy the service. God can and will do the rest.” I resided at the opposite end of the spectrum from Krista. In the early years I invited Dean to church often. If he went, I usually ended up regretting I had asked, be- cause he was miserable. When he said no, disappointment and sorrow nearly did me in. Either way, I lost, so I quit mentioning it. I adopted a new policy: I would invite him only for special events and programs the kids were involved in unless the Holy Spirit directed otherwise. I would ask with- out pressure or expectation and pray for sensitivity to accept Dean’s answer graciously and trust the Lord for His timing. My spouse’s church attendance and salvation are God’s work, not mine. Adam is our youngest son, and it was during his senior My spouse’s church attendance and salvation are God’s work, not mine. Adam is our youngest son, and it was during his senior year of high school that I felt God tugging at my heart. He wanted me to change churches! Now I’m a woman who likes stability. Dean and I have lived in the same house since before Adam’s birth. We drive a car we’ve owned since Adam was five. You’re getting the picture—change doesn’t come easy or often. And now God wanted my co- operation in willingly seeking a new Body of Believers to fellowship with. This season held grief, tears, and confusion. I left be- hind the only church home I had known as an adult, the place my kids grew up, the place all three of them started their journeys with Christ. I had been employed there, and the staff and I were on a first-name basis. But hardest of all, I had to resign a teaching ministry in the women’s program that I loved, ministry that bore fruit. I didn’t understand why God would strip me of everything comfortable and familiar during the difficult time of sending our youngest out of state for college. As I visited other churches, seeking where God wanted me, I sensed God’s will was a small church crammed full of large families. Kids filled every nook and cranny. Why here, God? My aloneness intensified. I obeyed and joined that little Body of Believers, kicking and screaming all the way. Hindsight is wonderful. Looking back, I understand at least two reasons why God moved me, but I can honestly say it didn’t make sense at the time. His will makes perfect sense now. The first reason was for Dean. My new pastor, Sam, was a cowboy who wore a pair of boots every Sunday. Those boots helped my husband feel comfortable. Sam prayed for Dean and reached out to him on numerous occasions. At my old church only two men in nearly 17 years ever extended a hand of friendship and welcome. The second reason was for me. God knew I would need the accountability a small church affords. As I mentioned earlier, going completely alone turned into a huge struggle for me. I needed people who noticed when I didn’t show up, people who would call on Monday morning and say, “Hey, where were you? I missed you.” So God’s crazy idea wasn’t so crazy after all; He knows me better than I know myself. As women alone on a spiritual journey, we need to prayerfully figure out what works for each of us. Find your place in a church where you’re comfortable, trust your hubby’s church participation to God, and don’t sweat the details. Last, trust God even if the way He’s leading makes little sense at the time. He truly knows best. TWO SCRIPTURAL EXAMPLES Now we’ll look at Scripture to examine the ways two Bible characters dealt with loneliness. The first fellow, John, referred to himself as “the disciple whom Jesus loved” (John 13:23; 21:7, 20). The son of Zebedee, the brother of James, and a fisherman by trade, this man, along with Peter and his brother James, became Christ’s closest friend and confidant. He was the one whom Jesus entrusted with His mother’s care upon His death. So John knew the richness of sweet fellowship both during Christ’s life as one of the 12 disciples and after Christ’s death as one of the apostles who continued tire- lessly to spread the gospel. In Acts we see him joining Peter on a mission trip to Samaria and praying with other believers. In Galatians he’s referred to as a pillar. Find your place in a church where you’re comfortable, trust your hubby’s church participation to God, and don’t sweat the details. Yet at the end of John’s life we find him in exile and very much alone. “I, John, your brother and companion in the suffering and kingdom and patient endurance that are ours in Jesus, was on the island of Patmos because of the word of God and the testimony of Jesus” (Rev. 1:9). Apparently sent there for sharing his faith, John wrote the Book of Revelation from that isolated island. I’m so impressed because, unlike me, John made the best of a bad situation. He wasn’t questioning, complaining, or throwing a pity party for himself. He used his loneliness wisely, at the feet of God, receiving divine revelation, recording what he saw, and sending the scrolls to the seven churches in Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thy- atira, Sardis, Philadelphia, and Laodicea. Solomon, on the other hand, tried to fill the lonely, empty places in his life with everything but God. He was David and Bathsheba’s second child. Though David’s life of spiritual faithfulness for the most part gave Solomon a solid example, the boy also grew up in a home where polygamy was practiced and jealousy and strife were evident. Solomon started his reign well, but his first foolish mistake was choosing a pagan king’s daughter for his wife. This choice began his moral decline. Then God appeared to him in a vision and encouraged him to ask for whatever he wished. Admitting his weakness and ignorance, he requested a discerning heart. Pleased with Solomon’s wise selection, God not only granted his petition but also promised him that he would be the wisest of men and obtain great riches and honor as well. As his wealth and fame increased, Solomon loved the splendor. He developed a taste for luxury and led an extravagant lifestyle. Marrying foreign women, he became excessively sensual. His many wives influenced him to sanctify idolatry, and eventually he even oppressed the people of Israel. Though he was known as the wisest man, his decision to fill his emptiness with more—more women, more sex, more material possessions—proved to be a bad choice. According to one Bible scholar, “Solomon’s description of a fool in Proverbs is a vivid picture of his own failings.”*?I believe each of us has a void in our lives that only God can fill. Instead of letting God fill his void, Solomon found himself empty, and the more he acquired, the emptier he became. Most believe Solomon is the author of Ecclesiastes. Let’s look at the words he penned there: “‘Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless’” (1:2). “Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income” (5:10). This man had every- thing yet found satisfaction in nothing. He ends his philosophical musing with this key verse: “Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man” (12:13). I wonder how differently his life might have turned out had he taken his own good advice. Whether your life is filled to overflowing with people or you are in a season of isolation, choose to fill your voids with God alone. I’ve made both choices, having searched for answers in the things of this world and let- ting God be my all in all. Only in Him did I find peace, contentment, and joy—even in my empty pew. PONDERING GOD’S WORD “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Heb. 10:24-25). ? “‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jer. 29:11). ? “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I for- sake you’” (Heb. 13:5). ? “A time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me” (John 16:32). ? “O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God” (Ps. 38:21). ? Dearest Father,? Please be with me in those lonely times that naturally arise out ?of an unequally yoked relationship. Make me aware of my limitations, and give me the wisdom to choose wisely the activities that will enhance my growth and not cause me to stumble. And God, please reveal where You want me to serve in Your Body of Believers. ?On the occasions my husband does attend church, I invite You to be in charge instead of me. Teach me to rest, knowing You are there with me. Open my spouse’s ears to hear what You know he’s ready to hear. Lay upon the hearts of men to reach out to him, and, Father, flood me with Your peace, that I may rest in You. ?I long to follow where You lead, so don’t let fear or lack of understanding paralyze me. May my trust be in You alone, knowing that You’re completely trustworthy. The plans You have for me are for my best, even when it doesn’t seem that way at the time. I thank You, my dearest and most faithful companion, for Your promise to never leave me. I love You, Lord. In Your name I pray. Amen. From Spiritually Single.

What if someone, especially someone you love, disappoints you with bad behavior? There are times when we the best of our logic fails to understand the worst of other’s behaviors. It’s part of the oddity or maybe complexity of the human psyche that we sometimes make choices that defy any shred of reason or seem void of even the slightest hint of sensibility. More times than we can count we stand in awe of the choices that some people make, standing at some distance shaking our heads in disoriented disbelief and wondering what in the world they were thinking. Sometimes our own choices are perplexingly confusing, defying our own logic and leaving us patently bewildered and entirely befuddled at who we are and what we just did. Clearly, we can be our greatest puzzle and most mysterious mystery. Yet, the most inexplicably confounding situations are those when these rather irrational decisions are made at the expense of others. Sure, we can make wildly poor choices that effect ourselves in ways slight or significant. I suppose it’s within our rights to chart spurious courses that descend to dark places as long as the only person that ends up in those dark places with us is ‘us.’ It would seem that we can “shoot ourselves in the foot” as long as it’s our foot and no one else’s. Yet, far too frequently we shoot a lot of other’s feet other than our own. And so the pressing and rather incendiary question becomes, why would we take someone else down with us? What in the world behooves us to make choices that reach out with arms either long or short, grab someone else in whatever way we do that and drag them down? Why is it that we just can’t leave others alone? To the contrary, we find ourselves incessantly goaded by some potent force that’s sufficiently compelling to override any sense of responsibility and silence any voice of morality to the point that we pull others in and push them down with issues that aren’t even theirs? What compels us to make choices that are certain to seize the course of the life of another and set their path on some dizzying descent? Self-Preservation When life presses us with an unnerving intensity we are reflexively prone to revert to defensive position of self-preservation. Sure, it’s quite easy to be graciously gracious and heroically selfless when the cost of doing so isn’t all that significant. We can look quite the part when we don’t have a lot of skin in the game or when we know that we’re not likely to be skinned while we’re in the game. We live within limits that are long on self and short on others, so it doesn’t take long before we take the shortest route to the closest place of safety. If we ruthlessly strip away all the pleasantries and pretenses that we gaudily wrap ourselves in we will find that self-preservation lays seated underneath it all as the irreparably non-negotiable objective that is so core to the base side of ourselves that we will instinctively sacrifice others to insure it. Therefore, when the going gets hard, we’re more likely to swing the cost over onto others. We’re noble, but noble to a point. We’re generous, but only to the degree that what we’re getting sufficiently offsets what we’re giving. We will extend ourselves in ways that appear magnanimous and philanthropic as long as we don’t have to extend ourselves beyond arm’s reach of ourselves. And these points where we pull up and stop are most often based on our tolerance for sacrifice and the degree to which we’re willing to absorb pain. There comes a point where the responsibility of accountability is just a bit too revealing, where the selflessness of putting ourselves aside is pinching our egos a bit too hard, and where the concept of sacrifice and the ‘good of our fellowman’ hasn’t given us all that much in return, if it’s given us anything at all. Our Expectations Don’t become cynical or disillusioned with others. When the world around us doesn’t reciprocate our simple acts of simply being a ‘good person’ in the manner in which we feel it should, we begin to become toxically jaded and we take a darker turn into ourselves. When the world is perceived by us as intrinsically greedy, when it seems that every action is driven by a darkly covert agenda, and when the rampant selfishness appears wholly unrepentant and entirely irreparable we pull inward and we put up impenetrable walls. And in putting up the walls we would be quite wise to ask if the things that we find so aberrant and awful are indeed the very things we ourselves engage in. It may well be that our own greed is worse than those that we condemn because we too often demand that we dictate what we give to those around us, we demand how the they will respond to what we have given them, all the while condemning the world of the very offenses that we ourselves are equally guilty of. Don’t make it about you. If we are not aware of such caustic distortions, we will make it about us. And in making it about us we’re foolishly led to believe that all of our many cherished expenditures are never expended because they never move outside of us. It’s all about us investing all of ‘us’ back into all of ‘us.’ This self-sabotaging, self-absorbing cycle creates an ever-hardening pattern where the deepening pain that we are inflicting on others and the manner in which we are blithely diminishing their lives begins to go entirely unnoticed. Often we are on the receiving end of such behaviors, and sometimes we’re the ones dishing them out. We’d be keenly wise to recognize it in others so that we can more prudently deal with the behaviors as we cope with the impact of them. But, we’d be ever wiser to recognize such behaviors in ourselves. We Are Too Expensive. When we make it about us, someone, somewhere is going to go down simply because the cost of being about ‘us’ is a cost that will always extend itself beyond ‘us.’ We don’t have the life currency to make it about us, so we borrow or steal that ‘currency’ from other places and other people. Despite our frequently supercilious arguments to the contrary, we simply do not have the inherent capacity to generate everything that we need. However astounding we might perceive it to be, our capacity to independently generate resources will perpetually fall short of the resources that we actually need. Therefore, as our accumulated needs swiftly exhaust our scant resources we are forced by our limitations to reach outside of ourselves to obtain those resources. And in either borrowing or stealing those resources from someone else, that ‘someone’ is going down as we attempt to push ourselves up. Need We Dare Remember We’ve regularly failed to realize that being a good person pays exceedingly generous dividends far beyond anything we can borrow or steal. Riches born of sacrifice fill the coffers of heaven. Yet we miss those dividends because they’re not exactly the ones that we’re looking for, or they’ve come at some cost when we’d much prefer to receive them free of charge. Often the riches generated are held until time or attitude would render the delivery of them as far more meaningful for us, yet delayed gratification feels much the same as no gratification. And so, cynicism wins the day, pessimism reigns and we’re going to take others down with us without even recognizing that we’re doing so. It’s quite sad enough that we do things to take ourselves down and shoot ourselves in the foot. Yet, it’s infinitely more tragic that we do that to others. We cannot control the actions of others as they perpetrate such behaviors upon us. Yet, we can control ourselves. So to avoid taking others down we’d be wise to look at the state of our heart, take the temperature of our attitude, and see if our soul is still breathing because we may find that they are all in some state that we’d much prefer them not to be. And once we’ve inventories them alive again, maybe we’ll realize that to sacrifice is to fill the coffers of heaven which will spill over into the vault of our soul. When that happens we have no need to push others down because we, by virtue of our sacrifices, have pushed ourselves up without stepping on anyone in order to do it.

Does Nephilim mean “Giants”? For many people, the beginning of the 6th chapter of Genesis, where the word Nephilim comes from, is one of the most baffling passages of the Bible: 4 The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown.[1] Remarkably, some translations have here the word ‘giants’, instead of ‘Nephilim’: 4 There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.[2] As if to make this story even more complicated, scripture also mentions Nephilim after the flood: in the well-known story in Numbers 13, where Moses sent twelve spies to scout out the land, and all the spies, except Caleb and Joshua, brought up an evil report of the land which they had searched, saying: We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.[3] Once again, King James Version translates the word “Nephilim” here as “giants”: 33 And there we saw t he giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight.[4] For centuries, people have debated whether the “sons of God” expression refers to angels or to men, and just who these Nephilim/giants were. As in the case of Melchizedek, this story also gains much more clarity when read in Hebrew. PARDES However, before we delve into our story and use some Hebrew, I would like to introduce here four different levels of Biblical interpretation in Judaism: PARDES . The term PaRDeS is an acronym formed from the initials of these four levels, which are: Peshat “plain”, “straight” – the direct, literal meaning of Scripture; Remez “hint” – the deeper, symbolic meaning, beyond the literal sense; Derash “to inquire”, “to seek” – the comparative meaning: a deeper meaning obtained from a passage by comparing its words and content to similar passages; Sod “secret” , “mystery” – the deeper meaning, revealed only through inspiration or revelation. Thus, Peshat means the literal interpretation; Remez is the non-literal, or allegorical meaning; Derash refers to the expanded comparative meaning; Sod represents the hidden, secret meaning of the text. There is something I should add here: This word pardes that was chosen by our sages to symbolize the different levels of interpretation of scripture, means “garden” or “orchard” in Hebrew, and comes from the Song of Solomon: Your plants are an orchard (pardes) of pomegranates With pleasant fruits, Fragrant henna with spikenard [5] An orchard might be filled with the most fragrant scents and the most delectable tastes, but one has to walk through it and sample the fruit of the trees in order to appreciate the tastes and smells. Yes, even from outside you can peek in , even from outside, you can try to recognize which trees grow there – however, it is only when you go inside, when you walk through the garden, when you really see and taste the fruits, that the garden also becomes for you an orchard, or pardes. (If you are interested to see the examples of PARDES interpretation, you can read my book, Abraham had two sons [6], which is written according to the four levels of PARDES). SONS OF GOD Now we have all the necessary tools to delve into our story. First of all, let us try to understand who “the sons of God” were. The Hebrew words translated “the sons of God” are b’nai ha Elohim, Does the Torah mean angels, or just “the sons of rulers”, or “the sons of the nobles”, as some Jewish translations translate b’nai ha Elohim here? We have “the sons of the princes” in Targumim , and “the sons of the Judges” in Midrashim[7] – in fact, the “angelic interpretation” (that they were angels, or some kind of divine beings) is almost non-existent in Judaism. Many of you probably know that the noun Elohim is in a plural form, and it can be read not only as “God”, but also as ‘gods” or even “lords, rulers”, and this is exactly how the Jewish commentaries choose to read this word in this particular verse. However, if we study the use of this expression in Tanach, we will see a completely different picture. There is no better commentary to the Bible than the Bible itself, and for that reason, we will use the “derash” technique to compare our passage with other similar passages. The expression “sons of God” doesn’t occur many times in Tanach. The next time we encounter this expression is in Job 1:6: Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them. We have the same expression again in Job 2:1: Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them to present himself before the LORD. Nobody questions the meaning of “the sons of God” here: We all know that these verses describe the Divine Council – a meeting in Heaven – therefore, the “sons of God” here are obviously not humans, but angels, who are meeting with God. Notice that the words in Hebrew translated as “the sons of God” here, are exactly the same as in Genesis 6:2: – b’nai ha Elohim. The next (and the last, at least in Hebrew[8]) reference to “the sons of God” in Tanach is again in the book of Job, in chapter 38. Speaking about the creation of the universe, God is saying: I laid the foundations of the earth… When the morning stars sang together, and all t he sons of God shouted for joy.[9] From this verse[10], we can see that the sons of God existed even before the earth itself was created. This indicates that every use of the term: b’nai ha Elohim or b’nai Elohim in the Old Testament, is, in fact, a reference to angelic beings. Thus, we can conclude that “the sons of God” in Genesis 6 also refers to angels. Now, that we’ve established that “the sons of God” were angels, we can try to understand the story of Nephilim – and we will do it in our next post.[11] www.eteacherbiblical.com . Used by permission. [1] Gen. 6:4, NIV [2] Gen. 6:4, KJV [3] Num 13:33, NIV [4] Num 13:33, KJV [5] Song of Solomon 4:13 [6] You can get the book from my website: readjuliablum.com [7] Gen. Rabbah 26:5 [8] In Ps 29:1, we have B’nai Elim – sons of elim. [9] Job 38:4,7 [10] In Hebrew, it is b’nai Elohim here, without