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The tragic death of any celebrity offers every parent the opportunity to talk to your kids about drugs. Her death is on every television, magazine, and Web site in the country. When something is this widespread, it creates a nice big opportunity for you to address the issue of drugs. You might hear from your kid, as many parents do these days, this idea that smoking weed is no big deal. More and more cities and states are “decriminalizing” marijuana and so-called “medical marijuana” joints (pun intended) are popping up in communities around the country. So much so that the government has started to send letters to those that are too close to high schools. When you talk to your kids about drugs, I would suggest a terse comment that includes the words “Whitney Houston.” Houston’s life ended at age 48. That’s deeply tragic, but also avoidable. The lesson here is that other people–not just the user–are affected by drug abuse. In Whitney’s case, her friends, her daughter, her family, and her fans are now hurting from her decisions. Whether you are a superstar or a regular one, you’re self-destructive decisions in life take a toll on those you love, and those that love you! What researchers have known for years is that if you expose a developing brain to drugs or alcohol, you run the risk of making that person more susceptible to addiction. It’s as though you are training the brain as it is growing–conditioning it for addictive behavior down the road. Researchers also tell us that kids are smoking pot and drinking alcohol earlier than ever. Putting those two together, we could have a generation of addicts in the making (not just drugs, but addiction of all flavors). Another well known fact is that the part of the brain that is slowest to mature is the part that deals with judgment. Don’t believe me? Call your insurance agency today and insure your 16-year-old to drive your car. You’ll quickly find that their extremely high insurance rates that are tied to facts that young people don’t always use the best judgment. Of course, you may have already experienced your own son or daughter’s lack of common sense. Some of these guys think they are economists. They are talking about all the money that could be gained by taxing the now illegal drug market. Well, we tax alcohol and cigarettes very heavily in our country today. And quite frankly, the revenues received through taxation don’t come near the damage that cigarettes and alcohol take on the lives of our citizens. So here are a few tips for those of us that want our kids to make good decisions in life. Remember, you are your child’s best teacher: 1. Make sure your kids have plenty of practice making decisions in your home. This is their safe place to learn good judgment, vs. bad. 2. Ask your what your kids’ opinion is on everyday family issues! 3. Make sure you have POSITIVE expectations for your kids (Raise a child UP in the way they should go) 4. Find ways, like discussing Whitney Houston’s death this week, to negatively imprint drug usage in your kids minds at a young age. 5. Get to know your child’s friends and their families! 6. Your house should be the centerpiece of your kids social life! Yes, it might mean you have to spring for pizza. But I would rather have my kids hanging out at my home then someone else’s. Your kids might be surprised that their friends like you! 7. Beware of your child’s money supply. Kids should get allowances, but if your kid starts having money and you are unaware of its source, that is a red flag. 8. When a child’s grades fall right off the table, that is a pretty good indication that your son or daughter has discovered the world of drugs. Smoking weed diminishes motivation. 9. Don’t tell yourself “My kid would never do such a thing!” Because obviously kids that get hooked on drugs come from a variety of home situations. If your child is already using drugs, you have to directly confront the issue. Get him or her to a group that deals with drug usage effectively. Personally, I think Teen Challenge does a great job. Do not become the enabler! Do not make excuses for your kids! And pray. Pray every day. Now go talk with your kids. Not at your kids. Use public events, cautionary tales, as a springboard to talk about the difficult issues surrounding drug use.

Is the Word of God that should drive our discussions about modesty. What has God revealed about it? First and foremost, a biblical definition of modesty must focus on the heart . Modesty is primarily about our motivations. In addition, modest dress is also about discernment, having an awareness of others and our environment. Modern Modesty Controversies In a recent conversation, a woman I spoke with seemed deeply offended when I suggested a woman’s manner of dress could tempt a man to lust. She wasn’t denying the claim that men lust after women, but she was emphatic that women are not to blame for a man’s lustful thoughts and actions. She’s right, of course. A person is never guilty of another person’s sin. This woman’s protest is, in part, motivated by a desire to fight various rape myths in our culture. When a girl dresses scantily, goes to a college party, gets drunk, makes out with a dozen guys, and then is raped, for some there is a tendency to say, “Well, she was just asking for it.” This kind of victim-blaming, sadly, leads some to temper any compassion for such women when they are abused. Let’s be clear: victims of rape are not guilty of their rape. The girl who walks across campus at 2 a.m. and gets assaulted is not to blame for the crime committed against her. Similarly, victims of another’s lust do not thereby mean a woman is guilty of lust. She should never be made to account for another person’s sin. Where then does modesty fit into the Christian ethic? Paul on Modesty: 1 Timothy 2:8-10 “I desire…that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.“ Christian women should concern themselves with modesty because the Bible does. This text is a primary example. (For the purposes of this article, I am writing about women because Paul is writing about women in these verses. I recognize that men should also embrace modesty.) 1. Modesty is not anti-pretty At the outset, we should take note that Paul is not anti-adornment. The force of his statement is positive: “women should adorn themselves.” These are not the words of an anti-fashion prude. The same word “adorn” is used to speak of a bride beautifying herself for her husband (Revelation 21:2). It is a term that expresses being ornamented, well-kempt, and put in order. The question for Paul isn’t about whether a woman should ornament her body, but how. 2. Modesty is about who you worship In the context, Paul is talking about how women should prepare themselves for gathering at church. Women are commanded to adorn themselves in a way that is fitting for worship. If they “profess godliness”—that is, they desire to show God honor and reverence—how should they dress? Paul puts his finger on the trigger of the problem. In Ephesus, the original destination of this letter, the cultural elite were known for their gaudy and extravagant wardrobes, their elaborate hair styles, and their expensive clothing that communicated extraordinary wealth. Paul paints a picture of this for the Ephesians Christians and says, “Don’t mimic that. When you come to church, come dressed in a way that shows you desire to the attention to be on God, not yourself.” A person’s manner of dress, or even their preoccupation with clothing itself (Matthew 6:28-30), is often indicative of a heart that loves self more than God. 3. Modesty is about behavior and attitude, not just clothing When Paul says that women should wear “respectable apparel,” the term “apparel” is probably translated too narrowly: it is a term that encompasses not just clothing, but one’s whole demeanor, attitude, and actions. Ultimately, what should adorn a woman is not just clothing but “good works.” As Christians, we are being remade by God for good works (Ephesians 2:10). Christ died so that we might be zealous for good works (Titus 2:14). Women should seek to dress their lives in works that do good to others, marked with godly love. This means modesty is not simply about what we wear, but how we act, how we communicate, and how relate to others. 4. Modesty shows sensitivity to sin In this text Paul says a woman’s apparel should be worn with “modesty.” Other translation opt for the word “decency.” The King James Version translates this “shamefacedness,” which gets more to the heart of the word. It is talking about a demeanor of reverence, showing respect to oneself and a regard for others. It even carries the connotation of “bashful.” Connected to the term “shame,” the word implies the idea of grief over sin that is in the world—that a woman would be so sensitive to sin, knowing that sin is offensive to God, that she would never come close to trying to provoke it in others. No, a woman is not guilty of a man’s lust if she dresses with the intention to allure him. Let him account for his sins. But she is guilty of a lack of shamefacedness, for treating sin lightly. A heart of modesty is motivated by a love for one’s fellow man. 5. Modesty involves cultural discretion Paul didn’t just paint broad strokes when talking about modesty; he gave specifics. He said braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire were out of place for a truly modest woman. Some knowledge of Roman culture is helpful for understanding what Paul is saying. In Paul’s day, Greek hairstyles for women were fairly simple: hair was parted in the middle and pinned in the back. But a culture change was sweeping the region. Women in the imperial household were wearing their hair with elaborate curls and braids, covered in expensive ornaments. The elite throughout the empire copied this style. For Paul, the appearance of braids and ornaments was more about what the fashion communicated. They carried connotations of imperial luxury and conjured up images of notoriously immoral Empresses like Valeria Messalina and Poppeaea Sabina, ancient equivalents of Cosmopolitan cover girls. The poet Juvenal, a contemporary of Paul, gives a vivid description of this cultural trend: “There is nothing that a woman will not permit herself to do. Nothing that she deems shameful. And when she encircles her neck with green emeralds and fastens huge pearls to her elongated ears, so important is the business of beautification. So numerous are the tiers and stories piled one another on her head that she pays no attention to her own husband.” Similarly, the philosopher Philo gives a description of a prostitute in his writing called “The Sacrifices of Cain and Abel”: “A prostitute is often described as having hair dressed in elaborate braids, her eyes with pencil lines, her eyebrows smothered in paint and her expensive clothes embroidered lavishly with flowers and bracelets and necklaces of gold and jewels hanging all over her.” Paul’s description of immodest dress conjured a picture of someone preoccupied with appearance, fashion, luxury, and sexual prowess. Similarly, modern modesty standards are not about arbitrary rules of how much skin is shown or how low-cut something is, but about the messages and values our clothing communicates. 6. Modesty is about true freedom, not repression More often than not, modesty standards are seen as repressive, arbitrary rules that restrict a woman’s creativity and freedom. But when modesty is motivated from the heart, the exact opposite is true. Paul says women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel with “self-control.” This might be better understood as “self-mastery,” being of sound mind or sober, being in control of one’s impulses and appetites. In extra-biblical literature, this word has sexual nuances: being able to totally control your romantic and erotic desires. Habitual immodesty is often, though not always, a kind of slavery. A woman may be enslaved by her desire to attract a man. She might define her worth by her fashion sense, her sex appeal, her image, her bust size, her weight, or the brand names she wears. This kind of slavery is widespread because sin impacts us all, and in today’s sexually charged, media-saturated culture, many women fall prey to this kind of slavery. But as Christians we are free from the slavery of sin because we are united to Christ. Paul exhorts us to live out this freedom: “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions” (Romans 6:12). When it comes to modest dress, we can follow Paul’s next statement quite literally: Do not present the members of your body to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present your members to God as instruments for righteousness (v.13). Paul wants Christian woman to have self-mastery in their wardrobe choices, to be totally free from worldly ways of defining worth, beauty, and sexiness. Ironically, it is not just those who are scantily dressed that are enslaved, but even those who pride themselves on their modesty. “Modest is hottest,” they say, unaware that in their own hearts, they are still enslaved to a preoccupation with their physical image, still defining their worth by their outward adornment. Defining Modesty Taken together, these aspects of modesty help to give us a working definition. Modesty is a respectable manner of adorning one’s body and carrying oneself, born out of a freedom from a worldly definition of beauty and worth, and motivated by a hatred of sin and a desire to draw attention to God. When it comes to the subject of modest clothing, the first question we should ask ourselves is: What am I trying to accomplish by what I wear? Taken from covenanteyes.com. Used by permission.

Is it possible to have a thriving relationship with God even in the middle of a culture gone crazy? Absolutely! And my confidence is bolstered by the testimony of an ancient biblical prophet named Daniel. He lived most of his life in Babylon as a servant of tyrants and still managed to hear from God, speak for God, and live his life in a way that was pleasing to God. And I think he has much to teach believers today. Daniel was probably about fourteen years old when he was taken captive along with many other survivors of Nebuchadnezzar’s sack of the city of Jerusalem. He was transported, along with some dear friends, to the capital city of the world’s greatest empire at the time – Babylon. Babylon’s biblical history dates back to the earliest chapters of the first book of the Bible, where we find a hunter named Nimrod who started a cult and founded Babel (the more ancient name for Babylon). He led his followers to worship the stars and Babylon became the birthplace of astrology, the occult, and every kind of debauchery and evil. Babylon is also used in Scripture in the Revelation of St. John to refer to the secular system that opposes God’s agenda throughout all time with commercial, political, and religious ramifications. In other words Babylon, while a beautiful and magnificent ancient city to behold, was also a very pagan and violent place. It was quite a change for Daniel who had grown up in the royal family in the shadow of the holy temple and the palace compound of Israel. We might conclude that Babylon would have been a tough place for a Christian to live. If you, like me, live in the context of western Christianity, this is probably because we have a pretty cushy view of religious life. We’ve had it good. Christendom’s influence has been far reaching and we’re still reaping some of the nice benefits of the remains of the Holy Roman Empire. But Christendom is falling, and we were never commissioned to erect or maintain it to begin with. The United States and Ireland both recently legalized same-sex marriage a decade after Canada did so, and many other western nations will be following suit. This is a tough issue to navigate for Christians who have historically believed that marriage is a sacred institution reserved for a lifelong bond of one man and one woman. Abortion happens, and that would likely be most shocking to ancient Christians. To think that we will come up with a dozen half-baked excuses to use forceps and suction to kill and remove the life of a unique, pre-born individual human being, created in the image of God, from the womb of its mother and first defender is a little mind-boggling. There are plenty of other hot button issues I could mention that have created tremendous conflict between people of the Christian faith and the laws and customs of our land. Suffice it to say that our modern Babylon is changing rapidly around us, and it’s creating a clash between timeless truth and modern thinking. When other Christians want me to be madder about the way things are or get angry that our Judeo-Christian values are being replaced, I hesitate, reminding myself that we live in Babylon. And we are prophets, we are servants, and we are missionaries to a culture that has never actually been “Christian” to begin with. As I’ve taught through the Book of Daniel at Grace Hills, I’ve been a little blown away by some of the parallels between his world and ours. For example… If you’re young, take your spiritual formation seriously now. Daniel was 14 when he had to make really tough choices about some boundaries that honored God. If you’re a parent, it’s important to prepare your kids for heaven, yes. But it’s even more important to prepare them for life in Babylon. We don’t have to have a “Christian” nation, government, or culture to thrive spiritually. In fact, there really is no such thing on earth. We belong to a kingdom that is not of this world. We hold dual citizenship. So stop reacting to changes in your earthly kingdom with panic. King Jesus still reigns. People are never the enemy, be they political leaders, philosophers, or professors. We don’t wrestle against flesh and blood but against spiritual, invisible forces at work. There is a time to refuse to bow, when God’s truth directs us in conflict with what the culture around us says. And when we refuse to bow, we have to be prepared to get burned. All of us are builders, and that’s not bad, unless we’re more interested in building our personal empires than in extending God’s rule and reign. Seek his kingdom first. When the handwriting is on the wall and we know where our culture is headed, it’s time to be prophetic in people’s lives, sharing grace and truth with the loving accent of Jesus. Lions’ dens are uncomfortable, but our fate there rests in God’s hands, and we’re always better off in his hands than in anyone else’s. No matter how long we’ve been following Jesus, our proper posture before God is humility and repentance. We’re never better than the Babylonians. We’re just better off by grace. There is a spiritual conflict happening all the time, all around us in the unseen, heavenly realm. Angels fight for us against demons who wish to destroy us, and prayer makes a difference. The grand finale of history and the final judgment of God is set in stone. It’s coming. All will face eternity in a state of life or a state of death. Jesus makes the difference. And there is more. I don’t know about you, but in the middle of my current cultural surroundings, I need this kind of wisdom. I need some basic, common sense, practical answers about what to do and what not to do as I relate to the world around me. From Daniel, I learn my role in this world… DO live for Jesus regardless of the environment. DON’T compromise your faith-fed values. DO serve people, Christian and non-Christian. DON’T bow to the false gods and systems of the world around you. DO raise kids to know and love Jesus and recognize him as their King. DON’T force, coerce, or pressure others to believe or live the same way. DO have friends and find a community of faith. DON’T ignore the needs of people and become isolated from others. DO pray, in all circumstances, about everything. DON’T stay angry or react in ways that uphold truth but fail to show grace. I’m halfway through my preaching series in this awesome book. This Sunday, we’re “in the lions’ den.” Join me in praying for more people lost and blinded in our modern Babylon to find Jesus, to see God’s truth, and to experience the grace of God. We’ll never make Babylon be Christian, but we can help people become Christians, even in Babylon.

So it’s Saturday morning and your 7th grade daughter comes running in your room and says, “Mom/Dad, Brian just called and asked me to go to the show this afternoon. P-L-E-A-S-E! Can I go?” You’re caught off guard and you pause momentarily to consider the question – to which your daughter interjects, “All my friends get to go to the show with their boyfriends. . . Oh P-L-E-A-S-E. I really want to go!” Lead Researcher, Pamela Orpinas, shared three interesting observations: 1. A likely explanation for the “worse educational performance” of early daters is that these adolescents start dating early as part of an overall pattern of high-risk behaviors.? 2. Dating a classmate may have the same emotional complications of dating a co-worker. When the couple splits, they have to continue to see each other in class and perhaps witness the ex-partner dating someone else. It is reasonable to think this scenario could be linked to depression and divert attention from studying. Dating should not be considered a rite of passage in middle school. Perhaps the findings from a recent study from the Journal of Research on Adolescence might help you find your answer. Researchers followed 624 students in 6th to 12th grade for seven years. Each year researchers noted the students’ dating habits, as well as changes in behavior and study skills. Following categories: had the worst study skills. 3. So in trying to figure out the answer to your middle schooler dating, here’s a helpful suggestion I provide in my book, ABCs of the Birds and Bees – For Parents of Toddlers to Teens regarding dating. First, I encourage parents to determine their family values regarding dating. In other words, at what age will you be comfortable with your children dating? Then I encourage parents to plant those seeds early so their children grow-up knowing their family values. Here’s an illustration I give in the book: Regarding dating, researchers found students tended to fall into one of the following categories: Never or hardly ever dated in middle school to high school. Rarely dated in middle school, but increased dating in high school. Dated throughout 6th to 12th grade. According to the research, students who dated in middle school had significantly worse educational performance, were four times more likely to drop out of school and reported twice as much alcohol, tobacco and marijuana use. Students with the lowest incidence of dating had the best study skills. When guidelines for dating are established early, they help eliminate future problems. A mother shared with me that when her daughter was about six-years-old she brought up the subject of dating. She asked her little girl, “Do you know what your Daddy and I are going to let you do when you are about 16?” With great excitement and curiosity and little girl replied, “No, Mommy! What?” “Well,” her mother responded, “when you are about sixteen, and if you prove to us you can make very wise choices, your father and I are going to let you start dating.” The little girl’s eyes glistened with excitement as she thought of her Prince Charming coming to take her on this wonderful date. Throughout the next few years, the mother and daughter talked about what a fun date might be. When they saw teenagers together, they would discuss which couples looked like they were having fun and had a healthy relationship and which ones didn’t look so healthy. When the daughter was in the 8th grade, she came bouncing down the stairs all excited and announced that a young man had just invited her to go to a movie. The mother lovingly turned to her daughter and said, “I’ve been telling you for a long time that you would be able to date someday, but not before you were 16.” She said her daughter was disappointed. She was even a little mad, but she was not surprised. Obviously, the path this wise mother began to pave when her daughter was six alleviated some of the frustration and pain for both mother and daughter. Note: Middle School is not too late to plant those seeds. And as you set guidelines for dating, keep in mind it’s far easier to loosen the rules as you go along than tighten the reins once your child starts dating. Resources: onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jora.12029/abstract Morris, Marilyn, ABC’s of the Birds and Bees for Parents of Toddlers to Teens; 2010, pg. 44.

Due to the many differences in the physical makeup of male and female brains, men and women experience anger differently. Men, on average, fire up quickly but cool down in a shorter period of time. Women take longer to get upset, but once fired up its much more difficult for them to calm down. So, men are like firecrackers on the 4th of July: they light up quickly, but their anger does not last very long. Women, on the other hand, are like kettles: they take some time to boil, and once hot, the “water” stays hot for some time. So, ladies and gents, your reaction to an argument or a fight is different! Don’t try to see your partner’s feelings in light of your own. The same emotional response in the brain motivates men to take action and women to walk away. He needs to fix it. She is sick to her stomach and can’t eat or sleep. Here are some more fascinating points on anger from my new book “Who Switched off YOUR brain? Solving the mystery of he’s/she said: When males and females get into an argument cortisol, which is a really important chemical but should only be released into the body by the adrenal glands in small, intermittent amounts, is released in abundance. Cortisol takes about twelve hours to subside in a female and about one hour in a male. The female brain, however becomes more stressed in an argument than the male brain, which often causes a female to overreact–this releases more chemicals at a higher rate than in the male brain, which in turn makes a female feel terrible. Fights for women are on par with them having a seizure! Men, however, can go from zero to a fight and back again quickly, while ladies cannot–just the thought of a misunderstanding or a fight stresses a woman out. We will try anything to defuse a conflict, won’t we? And despite the fact that a woman’s bigger prefrontal cortex gives her the advantage in sparring with words, his bigger amygdala means the impact of these words are going to really hit him hard and fuel the fire! The important point here is that when we can recognize our differences and shape our expectations, we are free to receive the benefits that properly processed anger can provide – greater understanding, greater honesty, greater connections, greater health and, most of all, greater love. Ephesians 4:6 says ” In your anger do not sin…” Postscript: Men and women rest differently, men by withdrawing and women by talking. The question was asked whether this is the same if the woman is an introvert and the man an extrovert. The answer is that the brain wiring of females functions by resting through communication–if someone is more introverted and intrapersonal then she will still talk but more to herself and quietly. A man who is an extrovert will still rest by going into his “man cave”, thus when he talks he is operating under his personality, which may be more interpersonal and linguistic. I handle this in depth in my book and DVD set called “The Gift in You”. For more information about Dr. Leaf’s research, go to www.drleaf.com.