So it’s Saturday morning and your 7th grade daughter comes running in your room and says, “Mom/Dad, Brian just called and asked me to go to the show this afternoon. P-L-E-A-S-E! Can I go?” You’re caught off guard and you pause momentarily to consider the question – to which your daughter interjects, “All my friends get to go to the show with their boyfriends. . . Oh P-L-E-A-S-E. I really want to go!” Lead Researcher, Pamela Orpinas, shared three interesting observations: 1. A likely explanation for the “worse educational performance” of early daters is that these adolescents start dating early as part of an overall pattern of high-risk behaviors.? 2. Dating a classmate may have the same emotional complications of dating a co-worker. When the couple splits, they have to continue to see each other in class and perhaps witness the ex-partner dating someone else. It is reasonable to think this scenario could be linked to depression and divert attention from studying. Dating should not be considered a rite of passage in middle school. Perhaps the findings from a recent study from the Journal of Research on Adolescence might help you find your answer. Researchers followed 624 students in 6th to 12th grade for seven years. Each year researchers noted the students’ dating habits, as well as changes in behavior and study skills. Following categories: had the worst study skills. 3. So in trying to figure out the answer to your middle schooler dating, here’s a helpful suggestion I provide in my book, ABCs of the Birds and Bees – For Parents of Toddlers to Teens regarding dating. First, I encourage parents to determine their family values regarding dating. In other words, at what age will you be comfortable with your children dating? Then I encourage parents to plant those seeds early so their children grow-up knowing their family values. Here’s an illustration I give in the book: Regarding dating, researchers found students tended to fall into one of the following categories: Never or hardly ever dated in middle school to high school. Rarely dated in middle school, but increased dating in high school. Dated throughout 6th to 12th grade. According to the research, students who dated in middle school had significantly worse educational performance, were four times more likely to drop out of school and reported twice as much alcohol, tobacco and marijuana use. Students with the lowest incidence of dating had the best study skills. When guidelines for dating are established early, they help eliminate future problems. A mother shared with me that when her daughter was about six-years-old she brought up the subject of dating. She asked her little girl, “Do you know what your Daddy and I are going to let you do when you are about 16?” With great excitement and curiosity and little girl replied, “No, Mommy! What?” “Well,” her mother responded, “when you are about sixteen, and if you prove to us you can make very wise choices, your father and I are going to let you start dating.” The little girl’s eyes glistened with excitement as she thought of her Prince Charming coming to take her on this wonderful date. Throughout the next few years, the mother and daughter talked about what a fun date might be. When they saw teenagers together, they would discuss which couples looked like they were having fun and had a healthy relationship and which ones didn’t look so healthy. When the daughter was in the 8th grade, she came bouncing down the stairs all excited and announced that a young man had just invited her to go to a movie. The mother lovingly turned to her daughter and said, “I’ve been telling you for a long time that you would be able to date someday, but not before you were 16.” She said her daughter was disappointed. She was even a little mad, but she was not surprised. Obviously, the path this wise mother began to pave when her daughter was six alleviated some of the frustration and pain for both mother and daughter. Note: Middle School is not too late to plant those seeds. And as you set guidelines for dating, keep in mind it’s far easier to loosen the rules as you go along than tighten the reins once your child starts dating. Resources: onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jora.12029/abstract Morris, Marilyn, ABC’s of the Birds and Bees for Parents of Toddlers to Teens; 2010, pg. 44.

Due to the many differences in the physical makeup of male and female brains, men and women experience anger differently. Men, on average, fire up quickly but cool down in a shorter period of time. Women take longer to get upset, but once fired up its much more difficult for them to calm down. So, men are like firecrackers on the 4th of July: they light up quickly, but their anger does not last very long. Women, on the other hand, are like kettles: they take some time to boil, and once hot, the “water” stays hot for some time. So, ladies and gents, your reaction to an argument or a fight is different! Don’t try to see your partner’s feelings in light of your own. The same emotional response in the brain motivates men to take action and women to walk away. He needs to fix it. She is sick to her stomach and can’t eat or sleep. Here are some more fascinating points on anger from my new book “Who Switched off YOUR brain? Solving the mystery of he’s/she said: When males and females get into an argument cortisol, which is a really important chemical but should only be released into the body by the adrenal glands in small, intermittent amounts, is released in abundance. Cortisol takes about twelve hours to subside in a female and about one hour in a male. The female brain, however becomes more stressed in an argument than the male brain, which often causes a female to overreact–this releases more chemicals at a higher rate than in the male brain, which in turn makes a female feel terrible. Fights for women are on par with them having a seizure! Men, however, can go from zero to a fight and back again quickly, while ladies cannot–just the thought of a misunderstanding or a fight stresses a woman out. We will try anything to defuse a conflict, won’t we? And despite the fact that a woman’s bigger prefrontal cortex gives her the advantage in sparring with words, his bigger amygdala means the impact of these words are going to really hit him hard and fuel the fire! The important point here is that when we can recognize our differences and shape our expectations, we are free to receive the benefits that properly processed anger can provide – greater understanding, greater honesty, greater connections, greater health and, most of all, greater love. Ephesians 4:6 says ” In your anger do not sin…” Postscript: Men and women rest differently, men by withdrawing and women by talking. The question was asked whether this is the same if the woman is an introvert and the man an extrovert. The answer is that the brain wiring of females functions by resting through communication–if someone is more introverted and intrapersonal then she will still talk but more to herself and quietly. A man who is an extrovert will still rest by going into his “man cave”, thus when he talks he is operating under his personality, which may be more interpersonal and linguistic. I handle this in depth in my book and DVD set called “The Gift in You”. For more information about Dr. Leaf’s research, go to www.drleaf.com.

Identify 19 possible motives that trigger your porn consumption. This is a guest post for Covenant Eyes written by Brad Hambrick. Often triggers and motive are treated as two distinct things, and there are differences. But those differences are more akin to two sides of the same coin than apples and oranges. In this post we’ll examine the things that trigger your sexual sin and the motives attached to those triggers. As you identify the trigger-motive for your sexual sin, we also want you to begin to see how you are treating your sin like a friend, ally, refuge, etc. These insights are essential for repentance to make sense as a central part of change. Unless we see how our sin seeks to replace God in our life, then our need to be made right with God comes across as if God is unduly hung up about our sexuality. Your struggle with sexual addiction doesn’t start with your behavior. It begins with what you want, what you live for. – David Powlison in Sexual Addiction (p. 6) 1. Boredom (Sin as My Joy) When boredom is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin has become our joy. When there is a moment to be filled with something of our choosing, we pursue sin to fill the void rather than God or any of His legitimate pleasures. We begin to lose our appetite for godly pleasure like the child who eats sweets stops wanting healthy food. Even as they feel sluggish from the ups and downs of sugary “treats” they fail to connect this to their diet but go instead for another sugar high as the “obvious” solution. Sex is not ultimate… Idols begin as good things to which we give too much importance, and few things slide over into idolatry with greater frequency or greater power than sex. We allow a good gift of God to supersede the God who gave it. Sex is good, even great, but it’s not ultimate. –Tim Challies in Sexual Detox (p. 61) Read Nehemiah 8:9-12. God is a God of great joys and pleasure. Too often we view God as so serious that we believe “fun” must be in His opposite direction. When God called Israel to repentance through Nehemiah and Ezra, He asked them to express their repentance in celebration. If the motive of boredom leads you to sin, then allow this passage to challenge your view of God. 2. Loneliness (Sin as My Friend) When loneliness is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our “friend.” Sexual sin is always relational whether the relationship is fictional or physical, so it fits loneliness well. It’s as if our sin (a person, a chat room, or a video) calls to us, “Tell me your troubles.” We gladly pull up a chair and unload. As we do, talking to a real person or one who is not part of our sin becomes too risky. We now fear being judged or known by anyone but our “friend.” It’s a perfect world that I can create. Things always go exactly my way. People do exactly what I want. I’m always on top. Fantasy is a great ego-feeder. –Anonymous testimony in David Powlison’s Pornography: Slaying the Dragon (p. 19) Read Proverbs 27:6. During sexual sin we write this proverb backwards. We believe, “Faithful are the kisses of any enemy; profuse are the wounds of a friend.” When sin reverses the roles of friend and enemy, it traps us until we return the right labels to the people in our lives. If the motive of loneliness leads you to sexual sin, then prayerfully examine who or what you call “friend.” 3. Stress (Sin as My Comforter) When stress is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our comforter. We run to it, her, or him. Sin or our adultery partner makes things better (at least as long as it, she, or he remains hidden and keeps us to themselves). Yet the comfort takes on an addictive quality. The stress from which we are relieved is multiplied by the stress it, she, or he creates. This keeps us in a cycle of stress and returning to a primary source of stress for relief. We crave intimacy at a relational level. We feel lonely. But we also fear intimacy. We’re not sure we can attain it or be vulnerable enough to handle it. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 47) Read John 14:25-31. Jesus describes the Holy Spirit as “the Helper” or “the Comforter” (v. 26) and as the source of peace–distinct from the world’s peace which always returns us to fear (v. 27). If a source of comfort doesn’t allow you to be more real with more people, then it isn’t true comfort. It’s a drug that numbs you before it makes you sick. If the motive of stress leads you to sexual sin, then examine whether your “comfort” is real or a form of relational self-medication. 4. Frustration (Sin as My Peace) When frustration is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our source of peace. Sin is treated as an “oasis.” When this happens we label sin as our “safe place” as compared to the parts of life that are upsetting. This makes sin our friend and anyone or anything that opposes or interferes with our sin our enemy. Read Romans 16:17-20 and I Thessalonians 5:22-24: Notice each of the passages refer to knowing the God of peace as the alternative to falling into temptations based upon deceitful desires. Where you turn for peace when you are frustrated is the determining variable of your character. Once you declare something or someone as the source of your peace, you will be loyal to and obey it. 5. Fatigue (Sin as My Source of Life) When fatigue is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our source of life. We turn to sin as our boost to get through the day. The thought of our sin keeps us going when we feel like giving up. The adrenaline of sexual satisfaction (physical or romantic) becomes a drug we use to artificially stimulate ourselves–one we begin to wonder whether we could live without. Read 2 Corinthians 4:7-18: This passage uses many words that can be synonyms for or create fatigue: afflicted (v. 8), perplexed (v. 8), persecuted (v. 9), struck down (v. 9), and wasting away (v. 16). Fatigue can make you feel alone, and sexual sin becomes your life giving companion. Paul says that it’s only Christ who can be the life in us that counters the fatiguing death around us (v. 10-12). To doubt this truth reveals that we are believing (or at least listening attentively to) lies. 6. Hurt (Sin as My Refuge) When hurt is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our refuge. In our moments of sinful escape we feel protected from life and a growing allegiance develops towards our sin. In actuality, our sexual sin provides as much protection as a child pulling the covers over his/her head. But in our moment of hurt, we appreciate even the pseudo-refuge of sin compared to the perceived absence of any other refuge. Read Psalm 31: This Psalm alternates between a cry for help and a song of confidence. In this, the Psalm reveals the realness with which Scripture speaks to life. Sexual sin is a pseudo-refuge on demand. Even when we can’t have the sin, we can fantasize about his/her presence. However, the real refuge of God is available through the same type of prayerful-meditative exercise as our fantasy, but it’s actually able to deliver us through the guidance of Scripture, the presence of His Spirit, and the involvement of His people. 7. Betrayal (Sin as My Revenge) When betrayal is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our revenge. We know how powerful betrayal is (especially sexual betrayal), so we decide to use its power for our purposes to avenge those who have hurt us. Blinded by pain we try to use pain to conquer pain but only multiply pain. We continue this potentially infinite domino train that pummels us with alternating experiences of betrayal’s pain and betraying’s shame in spite of knowing how it perpetuates pain. Read Romans 12:17-21: It’s so tempting to read this passage as God “holding you back” from sweet relief and satisfaction. But, in reality, it is God “holding you back” from turning another’s betrayal into self-destruction. God is not removing vengeance. God is simply saying He is the only one who can handle its power without being overcome by it. Sin can never conquer sin; any more than oil can remove a stain from your clothes. It is foolish to believe your sexual sin could do what only Christ’s death on the cross could do–bring justice to injustice. 8. Bitterness (Sin as My Justice) When bitterness is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our justice. If sin as revenge is fast and hot, then sin as justice is slow and cold. No longer are we seeking to hurt another by our actions; now we are merely nursing our wound. If we tried to explain our sin in words, we would have to say we believed our sin had some healing power. But because that seems foolish, we are more prone to just excuse our sin by the sin done to us. Read Hebrews 12:15-17: In this passage a “root of bitterness” is directly linked to sexual sin (v. 16). When bitterness distorts our perspective we will trade things of great value (our integrity and/or family unity) for things of little value (a sexual release or fantasy briefly brought to life) like Esau who sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. 9. Opportunity (Sin as My Pleasure) When opportunity is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our pleasure. Often sexual sin requires no more trigger than time alone with a computer, a free moment to text, or an available member of the opposite sex to “talk” (i.e., flirt or allow to carry my burdens). When this is the case, sexual sin has become our default recreation–our preferred hobby. The more our sexual sin seeps into the common parts of life the more pervasive the lifestyle and heart changes necessary to root it out. The reality is that often we dislike the shame and consequences of sin, but we still like the sin itself… That’s because porn is pleasurable. Let’s be honest about that. If we pretend otherwise, we’ll never fight it successfully. People like watching porn—otherwise they wouldn’t watch. The Bible talks about the pleasures of sin. They’re temporary. They’re dangerous. They’re empty pleasures, compared with the glory of God. But they are pleasures, nonetheless. –Tim Chester inClosing the Window (p. 15) Read Philippians 3:17-21: Paul is addressing those whose “god is their belly” (v. 19). These are people whose basic appetites, the mundane parts of their life, were at odds with God. Paul wept at the thought of people in this condition (v. 18). Chances are they had become so comfortable serving their appetites that it would seem odd that Paul was crying for them and “radical” to change. If mere opportunity has become a primary trigger for you sin, let this passage shock you awake! 10. Rejection (Sin as My Comfort) When rejection is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our comfort. Our culture has made things done from a “fear of rejection” seem neutral–as if the defensive motive negated the badness of sin, or as if we become the victim of our own sin when we fear rejection. The problem with a fear of rejection is it makes us foolish. Only the fear of the Lord can make us wise (Prov. 1:7). When we react from a fear of rejection, we naturally seek the comfort of people rather than the comfort of God. Once we understand that the primary goal of sexually addictive behavior is to avoid relational pain—essentially, to control life—we can begin to uncover the core problem (20)… Several tiers below the surface is a pervasive, integral force that demands the right to avoid pain and experience self-fulfillment. This self-centered energy is the very essence of what the Bible calls ‘sin.’ –Harry Schaumburg in False Intimacy (p. 24) Read Proverbs 29:25: Scripture calls the “fear of rejection” the “fear of man.” It’s not innocent because it replaces God as the One for whose approval we live. It is the values, character, and preferences of the one we fear that influence our decisions, emotions, morality, and instinctive responses. If rejection is your primary motive for sexual sin, allow this passage to challenge the orientation of your life. 11. Failure (Sin as My Success) When failure is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our success. In the fantasy world of sexual sin (porn, romance media, or adultery), you always win. You get the girl. You are the beauty who is rescued. No part of real life can compete with the early success rate of sin. Sin pays up front and costs in the back. Real success costs up front and pays in the back. In healthy marriages, sacrifice is a primary part of the joy. As you give into sexual sin as a form of success, it will drive you to desire the kinds of successes that destroy a family. Even if the adultery relationship is made permanent, it will then become “real” enough that it will no longer play by your preferred rules of success. Read Matthew 21:28-32: Why would the second son say, “I go, sir” and not do the assigned task (v. 30)? One potential reason is the fear of failure. Doubtless he would then view his father as upset with him and feel closer to someone who only asked of him what he wanted to do (i.e., porn, romantic media, or adultery partner). Using sexual sin as cheap success results in harming real relationships, lying, defensiveness towards being “judged,” and retreating to unhealthy or fictitious relationships. Rather than grading others by how they make you feel, repent of your fear of failure. 12. Success (Sin as My Reward) When success is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our reward. Has your sexual sin become what you do when you need a break or what you have “earned” after completing something difficult? Has your sexual sin become the carrot you dangle in front of yourself in order to maintain motivation? When sin becomes our reward we feel cheated by repentance. God and anyone who speaks on His behalf becomes a kill-joy. Read Hebrews 11:23-28: Moses faced a choice between which reward he believed would be most satisfying: the treasure of Egypt or the privilege of being God’s servant (v. 26). Sexual sin gives us a similar reward choice: easy treasure or humble servant. Unless Christ is our hero and God our admired Father, then the choice seems like a no-brainer in the direction of destruction. 13. Entitlement (Sin as My Deserved) When entitlement is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes what we deserve. When you are confronted with your sexual sin, do you think or say, “How else am I going to get what I need… deserve… earned?” Can you see how sexual sin has become your measure for a “good day” and whether someone is “for” or “against” you? Are you willing to allow anyone other than Christ who died for the sin you are trying to squeeze life out of to be the measure of “good” in your life? Read Jeremiah 6:15 and 8:12: The people of God had lost their ability to blush at sin. Why? One possible explanation (that can explain our inability to blush even if it doesn’t apply to them), is they believed they deserved their sin. When this happens, we believe we know better than God. We believe the unique features of our life trump the timeless truths of God’s created order. Our confidence to debate robs us of the humility necessary to blush. 14. Desire to Please (Sin as My Affirmation) When the desire to please is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our affirmation. It’s easy to please a porn star or an adultery partner. They have a vested interest in being pleased. The entire relationship is based upon commerce (“the customer is always right”) or convenience (“if I am not pleasing to you, you have somewhere else to return”) rather than commitment (“I choose you unconditionally and faithfully in good times and in bad”). Too often sexual sin becomes a place of escape when we don’t feel like we can make everyone/anyone happy. Read Ephesians 4:25-32: Notice the type of relational interaction described in these verses is incompatible with an overly strong desire to please others. We cannot live the life God called us to (regardless of whether we are sinning sexually or not) if our driving desire is the affirmation of others. Our conversation must be gracious and good for building up (v. 29), but that assumes we are willing to speak into areas of weakness with those we love. 15. Time of Day (Sin as Pacifier) When time of day is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our pacifier. Do you use your sexual sin to help you sleep, get the day started, serve as a pick-me-up, fight boredom, or kill dead time? What are the common times of day or week when you struggle with sexual sin? When has your sexual sin become routine? Read I Timothy 4:7-10: When you use sin as a pacifier you are training yourself for ungodliness (contra. v. 7). Often, because these occurrences happen during down times or transitions of our day, we view these occurrences of sin as less bad. We view them more like a child who is still sucking his/her fingers rather than a child who is defying a parent’s direct instruction. If disciplining ourselves for godliness means anything, it must be relevant when we feel undisciplined. 16. Location (Sin as My Escape) When location is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our escape. The fantasy nature of all sexual sin makes it a perfect escape from an unpleasant location. We can “be there” and “not be there” at the same time. We get credit for attendance (or at least avoid the discredit of absence) without having to attend. We can mentally be with our lover while enduring the boring meeting, stressful kids, uninteresting spouse, lonely apartment, or other unpleasant setting. Read Psalm 32: Notice the Psalm begins talking about an unpleasant place or time (v. 1-5). But rather than escaping, David ran to God (v. 7) and found the joy you are seeking through escape into sexual sin (v. 10-11). When we escape through sexual fantasy, we use our fantasy as a substitute God. We are, in effect, praying to and meditating on our sin during a time of hardship seeking deliverance. 17. Negative Self-Thoughts (Sin as My Silencer) When negative self-thoughts are our trigger for sin, then sin becomes our silencer. In sexual fantasy (porn, romance media, or adultery partner), we are always desired and see ourselves through the eyes of the one desiring us. We give ourselves to them not just physically but also imaginatively. Because we know the relationship is short-lived we are willing to do this. If the relationship were permanent the power of silencing-effect would be diluted over the expanse of time and contradicted by our growing number of failures in his/her presence. Read Psalm 103: Sin (or even a healthy human relationship) will never do what only God can do. The ultimate “Peace, be still” to our negative self-thoughts is Christ’s death on the cross–affirming we were as bad as we thought, but replacing our deficiency with His righteousness. Sexual sin provides fantasy righteousness. It provides the kind of covering mocked in the classic children’s book The Emperor’s New Clothes. 18. Public (Sin as My Carnival) When public is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our carnival. We walk through life like a kid at an amusement park; gawking at every person we see like a new ride or romantic adventure, making a clownish sexual innuendo out of every comment, or treating everything present as if it existed to entertain us and stimulate us sexually. Our private thoughts of fantasy become fueled by a hyper-sexualized interpretation of our surroundings. The act of looking at porn is itself part of the succor it purports to offer. I can search for women who are available to me. I can choose between them like some sovereign being. It offers a sense of control. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 50) Read Romans 1:24-25: Can you hear in the description of sex as my carnival what it means to have “exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator (v. 25)”? God will give us over to this kind of lustful heart (v. 24). This is why a radical amputation of sin is a necessary and wise response to prevent sexual sin from becoming our carnival (Matt 5:27-30). 19. Weakness (Sin as My Power) When weakness is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our power. The stimulation (both the physical and chemical changes associated with arousal) of sexual sin gives a façade of strength. Having another person delight in you also provides a veneer of significance. As with most of these motives/triggers, sex becomes a means to an end. Sex is no longer an expression of love but an attempt to gain something. That is always a recipe for dysfunctional, unsatisfying sex. My pastor has preached that the primary issue in adultery is that you want someone else to worship you and serve you, to be at your beck and call. That resonated with me. I could see that theme in my fantasies. –Anonymous testimony in David Powlison’s Pornography: Slaying the Dragon (p. 15) Read 2 Corinthians 11:30: Are you willing to boast (verbally put on public display) your weakness as a way to make Christ more known and live in more authentic relationships? That is the only freedom that will allow you to enduringly enjoy what you are seeking in sexual sin. If that sounds backwards to you, read what Paul said in his first letter to the Corinthians (1:20-25) and ask yourself if your “wisdom” is getting you closer or farther from where you want to be. Identifying Your Triggers List and rank the top five motives/triggers for your sexual sin. __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ Porn is always about a symptom of deeper issues. It’s about lust, but it’s also about anger, intimacy, control, fear, escape, and so on. Many of these problems will show up in other areas of a person’s life. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 109) For some people the motive for their sexual sin will be very self-evident. Maybe you could quickly pick out the motive-triggers that deceive you into believing sin is “worth it” or will “work out” this time. For others, it requires reflection in the moment of temptation to discern what is luring them. If this is you, here’s a journaling tool from the False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery seminar that is designed to help you understand your motives. When we understand the motive for our sin, it allows us to hear the empty promises sin makes so we can turn to our loving Heavenly Father who is willing and able to fulfill those promises. I hope this post has helped you see the emptiness of sin so that you are prepared to embrace the fullness of God in the gospel.

I want to clarify niceness is not kindness. There’s a big difference. By kindness, I’m not talking about when you buy a stranger coffee or when you bring in your neighbor’s trash cans or when you tell someone they have food in their teeth. These are nice random acts. But kindness is not a random act. It’s a radical life. Kindness is not limited to grandmothers or Boy Scouts. Kindness is all over the Bible, plentiful in both Testaments. But you won’t find niceness in the Bible once—nor the word nice, for that matter. Kindness is fierce, brave and daring. It’s fearless and selfless, never to be mistaken for niceness. They’re not the same and never were. Kindness is neither timid nor frail. Niceness is kindness minus conviction. I think we should scrub “nice” from our vocabulary. We need to stop telling children to be nice and instead tell them to be kind, and then tell them the difference. Niceness is about being polite and politically correct. The call to kindness is a call to sacrifice, to embrace discomfort, to put action behind our words. Niceness is circumstantial but kindness is a way of life. Without a doubt, Christians have a reputation for being judgmental, self-righteous, hateful, and mean-spirited in the eyes of many unbelievers. But why do you think so many Christians are unkind and vicious toward their fellow Christians with whom they disagree? I believe we have a lot of fear. Fear of being overrun by “liberal” Christians, fear of not having our candidate win, fear of losing ground on biblical standards, fear of softening America’s Judeo-Christian heritage, fear of those more tolerant to religious pluralism and on and on. And so we respond to fear with fighting. Standing for our dignity and in defense of the convictions we hold, Christians often lead harshness toward those who don’t hold to the same convictions they do. To prove we’re not going soft on our faith (and sometimes understanding that fighting words raise more money), we’re quick to label others from a distance. Christian leaders have been known to whip up their supporters into a frenzy over the antics of their political, media, or theological “enemies,” inside and outside the church. Plus, it’s far easier to lob accusations and criticisms from a distance through social media than it is to have a conversation. I also lay part of the blame on Christians’ finding it more convenient to mimic cultural norms than creatively and biblically being countercultural in how we engage with each other. We are quick to follow suit with the trends of what seems to be working in the general culture, and our attempts to grab power in politics have particularly made us polemical on some issues. I wrote this book out of frustration that those who represent the gospel are often caustic and harsh, picking fights with those whose views are hostile to theirs. In other words, Christians are often starting with unkindness. Unkindness has little effect beyond marshaling other Christians in our particular tribes to admire our toughness and raise our own profile. This has gotten us almost nowhere in the cause of the gospel, our Christian call to be redemptive voices to that which is broken. Our increasingly shrill sounds across the aisle may be done in the best of intentions, protecting our view of what Christianity should look like, but they are not strengthening our witness. Bullhorns and fist shaking—mustering armies and using war-waging rhetoric—are far less effective than the way of kindness, treating those with whom we disagree with charity and civility. That doesn’t mean we don’t stand courageously for what we deem right, true, and just. But kindness is not incompatible with courage. Kindness embodies courage, although courage does not always embody kindness. Too often our centers are firm on conviction, but our edges are also hard in our tactics. This way is characterized by aggression, not kindness. What should a Jesus-follower do when they see a so-called “Christian” attacking another Christian with vitriol or slander? Crassly, kindness works. It works because it was the biblical model for our engagement with each other as the people of God and with the world. Jesus-followers need to be voices of virtue to others when Christians are attacking each other. There need to be pastors and professors and authors and bloggers fanning the flames of kindness as the antidote to our vitriol and slander. Kindness is a biblical way of living. It’s a fruit of the Holy Spirit on Paul’s short list in Galatians 5. It’s not a duty or an act. It’s the natural result of the Holy Spirit’s presence in our lives. We exhale kindness after we inhale what’s been breathed into us by the Spirit. Many Christians nowadays tend to talk with bravado and bluster about heroism that impacts the world. I’d rather talk about the power of kindness to change lives. Paul got this when he said to Jesus’ followers in Rome that God’s kindness leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). Repentance, more than anything else, changes lives. And kindness leads us there. Christians need to hear that kindness is not a virtue limited to grandmothers or Boy Scouts. We devalue its power when we think of kindness as pampering or random acts. Kindness doesn’t pamper, and it’s not random. It’s radical. It is brave and daring, fearless and courageous, and at times kindness is dangerous. It has more power to change people than we can imagine. It can break down seemingly impenetrable walls. It can reconcile relationships long thought irreparable. It can empower leaders and break stalemates. It can reconcile nations. Kindness as Jesus lived it is at the heart of peacemaking and has the muscle to move mountains. It’s authentic and not self-serving. I want Christians to hear that they should not sell kindness short. Kindness enables us to negotiate in a time when negotiating is dying and friendly discussions are yielding to rancor. Kindness—the higher ground—helps us find middle ground and common ground. Christians who are in it for the long haul in the new world order we’re entering (post-Christian and religiously plural) need to grasp that the greatest leadership influence lies ahead for those who walk the way of kindness in an increasingly fragmented and skeptical society. It’s a path that will help us to be stronger leaders, more winsome neighbors, healthier husbands, better mothers, truer friends, more effective bosses, and faithful disciples. One thing I suggest as a practical way to live a life of kindness is to become more involved in the culturally unfamiliar, to actively engage with those who are unlike us. If we reach outward, open ourselves to “common good” conversations and collaborations with people who might otherwise oppose what we stand for, it’s going to be a lot harder for us to be criticized or even penalized for what some believe are out-of-date principles. When we are in the cultural crosshairs, I want leaders in our cities and in the public square to say, “That’s the church that works with the city helping undocumented children. That’s the Christian college partnering with HIV research or helping to draft a policy for urban educational reform. That’s the campus ministry hosting conversations with voices of differing perspectives.” Absent these collaborations, we could be defined merely as anti-this or anti-that organizations rather than as organizations that stand for. We don’t need to be part of the arsenal. We need to be part of the dialogue. When we act this way, we will be less on the defensive and more in a position to be heard and understood, though not necessarily agreed with. And though at times we need to fight to hold our ground, the benefits of opening ourselves to civil conversations outweigh the risks of shutting out other voices. 2) Another practical way to live a life of kindness is to be creators of goodness and beauty. My ongoing desire is for Christians to create more beautiful things through music and the visual and media arts, as writers and performers and storytellers and movie producers. And let’s extend our creative work beyond the bordering streets of our organizations. If God is the author of all things beautiful, we become his fragrance as we fan the flames of imagination and invest in the many arts: written, culinary, spoken, visual, dance, digital, and on we go. This is the way of kindness. I am convinced we have more and more to contribute to the arts. Just think of what would happen if we extended beauty and goodness beyond our own organizational walls. Just think what would happen if we reached across the gallery to collaborate with artists with radically different frames of reference. What if suburban parochial schools rented a city theatre for a play or leased space in the arts district for a gallery? What if a suburban church and an urban church combined their choirs so that the performers truly looked and sounded like Revelation 7’s gathering of every tongue and tribe and nation? We can be communities that attract artists and intrigue those who love beauty regardless of their perspective on faith. When we do this, we are making our edges soft without tampering our centers. The way of kindness means we generously explore beauty and goodness. 3) Another practical way to live a life of kindness is to approach the growing opposition in our day by leading with humility. Something’s changing in our culture. And I say this not as a fighter or a right-winger. I was never a member of the Moral Majority. I don’t always see eye-to-eye with friends who belong to the NRA or who have harsh views on immigration. So when I say something’s changing, I’m saying this from a measured perspective. What has happened in the last few years is staggering. And a part of the reason why Christians are increasingly less tolerated is that our conversations are in-house, and we’re not making connections to the wider world as intentionally as we could. We need new and more conversations that build bridges and not walls. The call to kindness is a call to sacrifice, to embrace discomfort, to put action behind our words. Niceness is circumstantial but kindness is a way of life. www.frankviola.com . Used by permission of the author.

Can America (and the world) achieve racial reconciliation? Can our multicolored, multi-tongued society find common ground for communication? For peace? For cooperation in meeting head-on the great needs of our fractured nation and our world? The answer is a resounding yes! “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28). God’s Vision for the Church I believe God is calling His church to enter the greatest hour it has ever seen. We expect an outpouring of the Holy Spirit to begin in the most destitute segment of our society: the inner city—and especially the black community. It will be a move so great that multitudes will come to the churches beseeching us to lead them to Christ. However, there is only one way that this revival will come about. The church must once again become a house of prayer. It’s time for those who call themselves men of God to stop wasting time on frivolous, unimportant programs and start seriously praying. How can there be a visitation of God when the altars are empty, when none cry out from a sense of personal sinfulness? Attitude of the Heart Humility, brokenness, contrition: These proper heart-conditions are the qualifiers as Jeremiah 51:20 says, for being fully used as God’s “battle-axe” to the nation. The prophet Joel cried out, “Wherefore should they say among the people, ‘Where is their God?’” (Joel 2:17, KJV). That is exactly what the world is saying in this hour. How can you say that God is among you when your lives are no different from those of sinners? The church must get off its backside and do what God called it to do. We built 50 percent of the black public schools after the Civil War? The black church! But we have become a generation of snivelers. We are afraid to be bold about Jesus in this hour. That’s why the streets are ruled by gang leaders. There are few men of God to take the gospel down there. You can’t find a Bible in 90 percent of the homes in the inner cities, unlike when I was a kid. The church has to take the Bible message down into the inner cities. We must become a spiritual people again and quit sniveling! Of course, it’s our whole nation, not just blacks or whites, who need a move of God. You can go into the typical board room of any major corporation and find—not men of God giving advice and counsel—but New-Agers or astrologers giving sensitivity training sessions. Our whole nation needs a move of God. Salt and Light As long as we are immature and divisive, we can never fulfill the destiny of God. My goal is to fulfill God’s foreordained will for us as a people. Matthew 5 says we are to be salt and light (see vv.13–14). Our challenge is to determine what kind of light we’re putting forth. What is the intensity of the light? I‘m reminded of the phrase, “The smallest penlight dispels the greatest darkness.” If the world isn’t able to see light coming from a church that gives them the answers, we have to question our validity. So, first the church has to be restored. Our challenge right now is Acts 3:19: “Repent. . . and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come.” And then it says, “And he shall send Jesus Christ, which before was preached unto you” (v. 20). I know historically we Christians have always felt that Jesus was going to return, but usually He returned in a revival or in an awakening or in a move beyond human expectations. Today’s great darkness has us postured for that, but certain conditions must precede another great move of God. In 2 Corinthians 5:18, Paul says, “All things are of God who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation.” The next verse reads, “to wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.” Foundations for Revival These two phrases—the ministry of reconciliation (something to do) and the word of reconciliation (something to say)—are the foundations for revival. I believe the ministry of Jesus is the ministry of reconciliation. Reconciliation is the key to Jesus’ prayer in John 17 “that we might be one” (see v. 21). It is the key to his statement, “By this they shall know that you are my disciples, when you show love for one another.” (see John 13:35). It’s only when the world sees unity among those who declare themselves Christian that they can have hope for their own divisions, disintegrations, and darkness. That’s why reconciliation is a major theme with me. Not only racial reconciliation—it’s just that that happens to be the most visible way we can demonstrate the reality of Christ in our lives. After Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, He said, “Just as I have washed your feet, you must wash one another’s feet” (see John 13:14). And He said, “You are to love your enemies” (Matt. 5:44). Love is more than rhetoric. Love is an “opposite” spirit. Those who would kill you, you owe your life. Our challenge isn’t in being accepted by whites. We’re already accepted by God. We need to break out of this ethnic mind-set. It’s all right to be ethnically conscious, but not to be ethnically controlled. My worldview must come from the kingdom, not from my culture. It’s a matter of looking at things from God’s point of view. We are limited only by our point of views. If we believe that we cannot rise beyond how we are viewed by the majority race, then we’ll continue to use them as an excuse for our failure. Now, what color is the Holy Spirit? The truth of the matter is, we need the Spirit and character of Christ to reach people no matter who they are. God doesn’t use information to reach people: He uses revelation. People need to see God coming through a man. You show them God and they’ll forget about color. If I had a choice of being where my race is as opposed to being where Jesus is—I‘d choose Jesus every time. So How Do We Pray? PRAYERS TO OFFER Thanksgiving Thank You, Lord, that You have removed racial barriers, for we “have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness” (Rom. 6:18). Jesus, we celebrate that You remove social barriers among Your people, “to bring them together and make them one” (John 11:52). Dear God, we are grateful that You have removed status barriers, and “in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others” (Rom. 12:5). Confession We often do not see God’s vision for the church. Forgive us, Lord, for allowing barriers to remain within the body of Christ. We often do not have the right attitude of the heart. Cleanse us, Dear God, for not being humble, broken, and contrite. We often are not salt and light in our community. Jesus, we repent of our ineffectiveness. We often do not lay the foundations of revival. Forgive us for not seeking reconciliation. Petition Jesus, may our hearts be made right, knowing that “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36). Dear God, help us avoid barriers; “keep your servant also from willful sins” (Ps. 19:13). Lord, grant us vision for Christ’s Church celebrating together, for “where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint” (Prov. 29:18a). PROMISES TO CLAIM God’s Vision for the Church Dear God, might we hear the hopes that You have for Christ’s Church celebrating together, for “wisdom calls aloud in the street, she raises her voice in the public squares” (Prov. 1:20). Attitudes of the Heart Lord, may we experience wholeness in our relationships and overcome racial, social, and status barriers because you have “destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility” (Eph. 2:14). Salt and Light As Your “salt and light,” may we eliminate the darkness of discrimination and injustice, thus yielding to the admonition of Jesus: “Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven” (Matt 5:16). Foundations for Revival Jesus, might we have courage to “step out” by faith toward reconciliation: “Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going. Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light” (John 12:35–36). Dear Jesus, Help us to see others with the unconditional love and value that you see in them. Help us to be reconcilers and peacemakers. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. SCRIPTURE STUDY Galatians 3:28 John 12:35-36 Psalm 19:13 Ephesians 2:14 Proverbs 1:20 Galatians 3:28 Joel 2:17 Matthew 5:13-14 Jeremiah 51:20 Acts 3:19-20 Taken from Praying for a Christ-Awakening, Great Commandment Ministries. Used by permission.

A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends. —Proverbs 16:28 Jesus made a remarkable statement concerning Judas. He said, “‘Did I Myself not choose you, the twelve, and yet one of you is a devil?’ Now He meant Judas the son of Simon Iscariot, for he, one of the twelve, was going to betray Him” (John 6:70-71). To what was Jesus referring when He identified Judas as “a devil”? Was He speaking figuratively or factually? Is Jesus saying that a human being could not only host an evil spirit in his soul, but that a person could actually become a demon? Some teach that Judas had become so perfectly possessed by Satan that he actually lost his humanity. Before we accept this interpretation, let us remember that after Judas delivered Jesus to His enemies, he felt such remorse that he committed suicide. Could a demon feel remorse for sin? I do not think so. What I believe Jesus is identifying in Judas Iscariot as a “devil” is something that, today, exists unchecked among many Christians. I’m talking about slander. In the New Testament the Greek word diabolos , which is translated “devil” in this text, is translated impersonally elsewhere as a “false accuser,” “slanderer” or “malicious gossip.” In fact, 1Timothy 3:11 and 2 Timothy 3:3 both translate diabolos (Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, #1228) as “malicious gossip(s).” In other words, Jesus is not saying “one of you is a devil” in an organic or theological sense, but that one of you is “a slanderer, a malicious gossip.” So while the disciples were almost bragging about their loyalty to Christ, Jesus corrected them, in effect saying, “Yes, I chose you, but even among you there is one who is a malicious gossip, whose words will eventually betray Me to My enemies.” Gossip in the Last Days This problem of gossip in the Church, Paul tells us, will continue right into the end of the age. Listen carefully to what Paul wrote to Timothy about the last days: “Men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips” (2 Tim. 3:2-3), and the list goes on. In the midst of this list of great sins, the apostle includes “malicious gossips.” This is the exact same word translated “devil” in John 6:70. Perhaps you know people who always have something negative to say about others, who are a sewer system of negative information about people. Do you see how “malicious gossip” is kin to the nature of Satan himself? By Your Words . . . The Scriptures say that we will be justified or condemned by our words. Yes, our words — even those spoken in secret with a spouse or intimate friend — are used by God to measure our obedience to His will. James writes, “If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man” (James 3:2). Words have power. Scripture reveals “death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Prov. 18:21). Our words, expressed as a confession of faith, bring us into salvation; but words rooted in bitterness can defile many, even an entire congregation. James 3:8 warns, “The tongue . . . is a restless evil . . . full of deadly poison.” “The tongue,” he says, “is a fire, the very world of iniquity” (v. 6). And James reveals one of the most profound truths in the Bible. He says that the tongue “sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell” (v. 6). Satan gains access to our world, to destroy all that is good and holy in it, through our words. The very course of our life, the direction and quality of life, is “set on fire by hell” through the words we speak. If we speak negatively about someone or maliciously spread gossip, the destructive fire of hell itself is released into our world. Lord, help us to understand the power of our words! I believe God wants to break the power of gossip and negative speaking from the Church. We may have a perfect analysis of what is wrong and why it is evil, yet if all we do is talk about it, we have yet to disavow our allegiance to hell. God calls us to be a house of prayer for all nations — a spiritual community that is mature, fully capable of seeing what is wrong, but positioning itself to release redemption into the world. Do not lose sight of your higher standing in God. Remember also the words of James: “The seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:18). Lord, I consecrate myself to be a house of prayer for my nation, where my spirit prays without ceasing and where Your river of life flows out from my innermost being. In honor of Christ. Amen. Adapted from Francis Frangipane’s book, A House United, available at www.arrowbookstore.com .

Over the years, I have heard men give compelling reasons to be a pastor. I have also heard a few ridiculous reasons. But most often, I have heard reasons that just aren’t sufficient on their own to justify becoming a pastor. Here are 10 of them. 1. You like spending time with other Christians This a very good thing. You should be really encouraged by this desire. According to Jesus, the clearest evidence of being a Christian is loving other Christians (John 13:35). And to love other Christians requires spending time with them. But being a pastor requires you to spend considerable time alone in study and prayer. You will also give of yourself in knowing and serving non-Christians. Too many people mistake pastoral ministry for a never-ending summer youth camp. In reality, the two have very little in common. 2. You like to study your Bible Again, this is a really good thing to like. All Christians should love to study the Bible in order to better know Jesus. A pastor must study the Bible. Preaching should be his highest priority and the foundation of influential preaching is focused study. But almost every pastor I know wishes he had more time to spend studying. It’s absolutely important and completely impossible to give yourself to it exclusively. I have heard many reasons that just aren’t sufficient on their own to justify becoming a pastor. 3. You like speaking in public Pastors must be able to clearly communicate the Bible. Most will preach anywhere from fifty to over a hundred different sermons in a single year. But speaking in public and preaching are two different things. The medium is the same, but the responsibility is not. Making a compelling presentation to your co-workers and preaching the Bible are as different as a paintball competition and real combat. Both involve guns and helmets, but that is about all. Projects, products, and dollars can’t compare in worth to the souls and eternal destinies of human beings. And that is exactly what is at stake every time the pastor enters the pulpit. Being responsible to relay a message from God to people who desperately need him is an enormous task. Being a pastor requires you to spend considerable time alone in study and prayer. 4. You like introducing non-Christians to Jesus Connecting unbelievers to Jesus is one of the greatest thrills a Christian can know, and those who are fruitful in personal evangelism are a gift to a church. But a pastor has a responsibility to both evangelize and equip the church to share their faith with those who don’t yet know Jesus. It’s the role of equipping that makes the role of a pastor more like a player/coach than just a player. Be sure you want to coach before you retire from playing. 5. You want to be more devoted to Jesus Maybe the most ironic aspect of pastoral ministry is how challenging it can be to prioritize your time with Jesus. I am not alone in feeling that my devotional life became far more challenging the day I began full-time vocational ministry. It is the number-one struggle for most pastors I know and have known. I think it has much to do with the constant demands and distractions intrinsic to ministry. That leads me to bad reason number six. Almost every pastor I know wishes he had more time to spend studying. 6. You want to spend fewer hours working Pastoral ministry isn’t so much a job as it is a lifestyle. The pastor is on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year. This doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t have some set hours, a day off, or vacation. It just means you’re likely to be interrupted by emergencies on a regular basis. The hours are long. The work may not be physical, but it is emotional and spiritual, and it is all-encompassing and exhausting. 7. You are looking for a more stable career I wish I had better news for you here. I am a strong believer that longevity is important for pastoral influence. But the sad reality is that pastors change churches and churches change pastors. One trusted researcher found that the average tenure of a pastor in America is three and a half years. Add to that factor the harsh reality that in many churches, financial uncertainties may result in interrupted pay cycles, salary reductions, and layoffs. Instability is the norm for most pastors. 8. You are tired of conflict Much of pastoral ministry is about conflict. There is resistance to Jesus from within, and even from your own heart. Then there is persecution from without. Every inch that the Kingdom of God advances is tenaciously defended. Maybe the most ironic aspect of pastoral ministry is how challenging it can be to prioritize your time with Jesus. 9. You want others to respect you Respect is required for a pastor, according to Scripture. He is to be respected in his home, in his church, and among outsiders (1 Tim. 3:4, 7). But respect can be hard to come by, and the man who moves into ministry to win the approval of others is sure to fail miserably (Gal. 1:10). 10. You want to make a difference You should want to be used by Jesus to draw attention to him. But how you go about doing just that is really important. You don’t have to have a pulpit. You don’t have to be loud. The best way to spread his fame is still the biblical way: “Aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one” (1 Thess. 4:11–12). Re-printed from The Resurgence.

The Lake Institute on Faith & Giving at the Center on Philanthropy, Indiana University, in partnership with the Alban Institute, released a Congregational Economic Impact Study. Prior to the study, much of the focus of the effects of the economy on congregational life has centered on larger churches and growth mode congregations, while the story of the recession’s effect on average sized and smaller congregations has remained largely untold. With over 1500 congregational respondents across the United States, this report breaks that silence as it describes the impact of the recession on congregations both large and small. While the story is mixed, the study underscores the resilience and vitality of American congregations, unmasking the selfless and imaginative ways in which churches are reaching out to address the needs of the communities of which they are a part. The full report can be found on their website. Key Findings • The majority of congregations have not seen a decline in giving. Nearly 37% reported an increase in fundraising receipts for the first half of 2016; 34% stayed the same and almost 30% saw a decrease. • Just over one-third of the responding congregations reported making budget cuts this year. Almost 16% did not increase salaries, 14.5% reduced their utility costs and 13.6% cut some programs. Mission and benevolence giving as well as local outreach programs were the last to be cut, if at all. • Recessions provide congregations with a teachable moment to talk about money and the faithful use of possessions. Almost 40% reported that they talked more openly and frequently about money and giving. About 28% said that they have offered special courses and seminars on personal finance. 36% initiated new activities to increase their fundraising success. Inside the Numbers • Type of congregation matters. Based on information about congregations’ financial growth during the past five years and the change in weekly attendance rates during the past fives years, the study categorized congregations into four groups: Survival (declining attendance and just barely enough finances), Maintenance (attendance and finances have stayed relatively the same) , Growth (increases in attendance and a growth in finances) and Other. As is evident in the chart below, congregations in a survival or maintenance mode for the past five years were more likely to see a decrease in pledge amounts. • Age of congregants matters. Congregations where the average age of congregants was under 50 were more likely to report an increase in fundraising receipts for the first half of this year, while those with an average age over 61 were least likely to report an increase. • Household income matters . Congregations with an average household income over $80,000 were less likely to report a decline in receipts than congregations with lower average incomes – $40,000 or less. • Size of budget matters. Congregations with total revenue less than $150,000 were more likely to report a decrease in fundraising receipts. Congregations with budgets over $600,000 were more likely to report an increase in giving. • Dependence on endowments matters. Almost 57% of the responding congregations reported having an endowment. These congregations were less likely to report an increase in their yearly budget. • Geography matters. Congregations on the West Coast and the South Atlantic region were less likely to report an increase in fundraising receipts. Tips for Planning your Giving Budget • Communicate, communicate, communicate! Keep your congregation informed as to the financial realities of your budget and state of giving. Honesty breeds trust. • Tell stories that touch the heart and inform your members as to what your church has been doing to address the needs of the hurting amidst the recession. • Be wary of budgeting your optimism. The economic outlook is too uncertain to risk bullishness in budget planning. • Recessions are not sprints; they are endurance events . Be prepared for a slower economic recovery. The current economic scene has been described as an inverted letter “L”: __/, which suggests we will be flat for some time before we experience a full recovery. • Protect your core mission . You may not be able to pursue all your usual activities. Prioritize your core activities by reducing funding for less critical ones. • Be a good steward of your endowment . Don’t shortchange tomorrow in order to meet the challenges of today. Endowment income will be less than in before, as most endowments follow the policy of a set annual percentage payout based on a three year rolling average. This means that your payout will be based on the value of the endowment in in the last three years. • Revisit your “gift pyramid.” There is a general consensus that donors in the middle of the pyramid were most affected by the economic downturn. • Remember to say “thank you!” Donors need to feel appreciated. People stop giving when they no longer feel connected to an organization. Lake Institute on Faith & Giving 550 West North Street, Suite 301, Indianapolis, IN 46202-3272 Phone: 317.278.8955 lfi@iupui.edu

How do you influence another person for good or evil? How do you effectively pass on your spiritual legacy to someone else? Elijah and Elisha, Moses and Joshua were both Bible examples of godly, powerful men who mentored others. Francis Frangipane, in his article, “Imparting God’s Power to Others,” gives us his insights. God has placed people in your life whose influence will “cause” you to inherit His promises! “I know a man who, as a young teenager, was violently verbally abused by his father. For whatever damage the violence did to the young man’s psyche, there was a deeper side effect. Just as his dad before him had done, my friend exploded at his son. My friend was not normally an evil or violent man, but something wrong, like a “time released curse,” had been imparted to him 25 years previous. This enraged behavioral pattern had incubated in his spirit until the right circumstances arrived; then it repeated itself identically. My friend was shocked by his unpremeditated action. However, he was also amazed as he pondered the power and mystery of impartation. His father’s deed was a seed that, apart from my friend’s conscious choice, bloomed on its own in the garden of his life. It was true: the “sins of the fathers” are “visited” upon the children. Human Relationships: Channels for Good or Evil Of course, my friend’s dad had imparted many good things into his life as well. My point is that the principle of impartation shows itself in a thousand ways during our lives. There are things we are doing and ideas we defend, not because we thought them through, but purely because they were imparted to us by others around us. The fact is, the unfiltered human spirit is very much like a sponge that absorbs into our soul the substance of the world around us. Thus, scripture warns “bad company corrupts good morals” (1 Cor 15:33). I know of too many kids who were raised in Christian homes who, for one reason or another, became friends with kids who were sexually active or experimenting with drugs. Soon, the morals of those children were quietly compromised. How? Through impartation. Yet, God’s word also promises “he who walks with wise men will be wise” (Prov 13:20). There are those whom God has put in our lives, whose influence inspires us to reach for the stars. The human soul must not become an “unwalled village”; we cannot exist spiritually without guards and boundaries. Plainly, we need rules and standards of God’s word; divine truth creates a wall that keeps out the enemy. We must be selective and wise in walking in this world for it is, in truth, a war zone. It is also why Jesus warned, “Therefore take care how you listen; for whoever has, to him shall more be given” (Lk 8:18). Whatever you intently focus upon and listen to, of that thing “shall more be given.” What we yield to in unfiltered openness in varying degrees conforms us to itself. Entertainment “enters.” Consider wisely, therefore, the next time you turn on the television or select a movie to watch. Whether the impartation comes via the media, friends or family, take heed what you allow into your spirit. For whatever you allow into you through impartation, that reality shall more be given until you have an abundance. He Who Receives a Righteous Man, Receives Yet, the good news is that impartation can be a wonderful and positive influence in our lives. A life-giving church can fulfill and support your spiritual journey. Prayer partners can stand before God with you and for you, encouraging you by the holy and impartable influences of their faith. We can also receive impartation from our pastors, mentors and Christian authors. As a spiritual leader, my goal is not just to inform you, but to conform you to Christ. This involves not only instruction, but impartation as well. If you are reading a certain author that God is using right now in your life, believe God for the best that ministry can supply. There’s no reason you cannot receive of the grace given to that person for you. Jesus was specifically talking about the value of godly impartation when He taught, “He who receives you receives Me, and he who receives Me receives Him who sent Me. He who receives a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet’s reward; and he who receives a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man’s reward” (Matt 10:40-41). Of course, God may meet you sovereignly, and we should covet and pursue times alone with the Holy Spirit, in prayer or study of God’s word. But, often the Holy Spirit will have something to impart to you through a righteous man or woman. You say, “I don’t need men, I have the Bible and a relationship with the Lord.” The Bible did not fall from heaven, untouched by human hands; it was written by men inspired by God. Imagine if the early church shared that attitude! Of course, today there is much deception in the church and we must each personally know the written word of God. Impartation does not take the place of our personal relationship with our Father. Simply, Jesus says that God will “reward” us just by our ability to “receive” from those He sends. Moses and Joshua The Bible supplies many examples of impartation: Elijah and Elisha, Saul prophesying among the prophets and, of course, Jesus and His disciples (1 Kings; 1 Sam 10:5-11; Jn 14:12). Consider the commissioning of Joshua, the son of Nun. I’m sure he had his own walk with God. He didn’t need Moses in order to dwell in right relationship with the Almighty; Joshua was a man who followed the Lord fully. Yet, we read, “Now Joshua the son of Nun was filled with the spirit of wisdom, for Moses had laid his hands on him . . .” (Deut 34:9). The laying on of Moses’ hands imparted the spirit of wisdom to Joshua. Joshua, apart from Moses, possessed personal character; yet through Moses’ hands, God gave Joshua the “spirit of wisdom.” Joshua received Moses in the name of a prophet and received a prophet’s reward. Not only did Joshua receive by impartation, through his unique ministry God would impart great faith to Israel. Consider what the Lord told Moses, “Encourage [Joshua], for he shall cause Israel to inherit [the land]” (Deut 1:38). Joshua didn’t just lead the Israelites, he would cause them to inherit God’s promises! I am struck by this verse. Just as my friend’s dad imparted something that caused him to temporarily fail, so there are people God has given us whose faith, example and encouragement will “cause” us to succeed. That individual may be your mentor, pastor or a leader in your church; he may be a national leader whose messages seem perfectly timed for your needs. Either way, God has placed people in your life whose influence will “cause” you to inherit His promises! Beloved, even as you hold fast to Christ as your head, may you also understand the gift and power of spiritual impartation.” www.frangipane.org . Used by permission.

Why should the church disengage from politics? There are voices shouting from both sides of the issue. I often hear from some Christians who argue that we should disengage from social or political issues. Particularly around election season, these Christians will reason that we shouldn’t be speaking to political or cultural topics, since the New Testament seems not to. These Christians have a point. Unlike the prophets toward both Israel and the surrounding nations, Jesus and the apostles seem relatively unperturbed by the moral climate of the Roman Empire. The New Testament church wasn’t mobilizing for political change on matters like slavery or gladiator-fighting or empire-building wars. But this is to be expected. The New Testament was written almost exclusively to a group of believers who lacked any social or political power, and who thus bore no accountability for decisions made in the cultural and political spheres. But even though Rome was no democracy and the apostles had no say in what the Emperor decided, we can see the New Testament pointing us to callings informed by the gospel, even in what we might consider “politics.” John the Baptist called the crowds to repentance. A drunk coming to be baptized would have been told to repent of intoxication. An adulterer would have been told to walk forward in fidelity, to “go and sin no more” (Jn. 8). Some who held political office responded to John’s preaching, notably tax collectors and soldiers, both officers of Caesar’s government. They asked the prophet, “Teacher what shall we do?” John’s response was not to mark out their “personal” obedience from their “political” obedience. He said to the tax collectors: “Collect no more than you are authorized to do” (Lk. 4:13). He said to the soldiers: “Do not extort money from anyone by threats or by false accusation, and be content with your wages” (Lk. 4:14). These were matters both of personal repentance and of public justice. American Christians often don’t realize that we are more like the tax collectors and the soldiers, no matter our occupations, than we are like the occupied peoples of the Empire. Paul wrote to the church at Rome that the sword of Caesar is given by God, to be wielded with accountability to God based on the responsibilities and limits derived from God’s delegated authority. In a democratic republic, the final authority for making decisions of statecraft (sword-wielding) rests with the people themselves. In the voting booth, we are delegating to others how to swing the sword of public justice on our behalf. A church that doesn’t form consciences for such a calling will only ensure that those consciences are shaped by something other than the gospel. Contrary to what some might think, the new birth itself is not the stand-alone remedy for the work for righteousness and justice. We cannot simply assume that “changed people” will “change the world.” Political structures and cultural mores are complex system that live long past the life-spans of their creators, and often shape what seems plausible or possible to those who grow up in them. Personal piety ought to alert us to questions of systemic or structural injustice, but we cannot pretend that the one automatically means the other. If the new birth conferred immediate wisdom and insight, we wouldn’t need the directives on how to live, given repeatedly in both Testaments. Even if a global awakening were to lead to the conversion of the whole world, we would still need to ask how we ought to work together, socially and politically, to steward culture and to settle disputes among us. Any Christian witness that doesn’t start and finish with the gospel is unspeakably cruel and, in fact, devilish. The devil works in two ways: by deception, “You shall not surely die” (Gen. 3:4), and by accusation, “who accuses them day and night before our God” (Rev. 12:10). The devil wishes to assure some people that there’s no need for repentance, and others that there’s no hope for mercy. Some people are deceived into thinking they are too good for the gospel while others are accused into thinking they are too bad for the gospel. No one is more pro-choice than the devil on the way into the abortion clinic, and no one is more pro-life than the devil on the way out of the abortion clinic. The gospel of Jesus Christ tears down both strategies. The gospel clearly calls us to repentance and is hated by the outside world. And the gospel clearly calls us to mercy by faith in the blood of Christ, even when we can’t believe that we’d ever be received. In our day, that personal aspect of the gospel is probably most controversial when it comes to issues of sexual morality. Some would suggest that we do precisely what the universalists of old did on the question of God’s judgment of sin. Instead of a blanket universalism though, they counsel a targeted universalism, which leaves unperturbed one area of sin. But this not only is unfaithful to God; it is unloving to neighbor, leaving those in need of mercy terrorized by their own consciences. We empower darkness when we refuse to warn of judgment. The gospel brings our sin out into the open, but not in the way the devil does. The gospel does not expose sin in order to condemn but in order to reconcile. Whether in a story from a Jericho ditch or in a letter from a Birmingham jail, we must be reminded that we serve a God of both justice and justification, and we must not pit the two against each other. Our mission is rooted in a gospel that tells us honestly of the bad news of our sin and the good news of God’s grace. Our mission reconciles sinners to God, but also reconciles person to person, community to community, humanity to nature. We must speak truth to power, even as John the Baptist did to King Herod (and sometimes with the same results). Let’s feed the power, house the homeless, shelter the widow, adopt the orphan, advocate for the unborn, and steward the environment. But, as we do, let’s, most importantly, preach peace and justice, for individuals and for the whole world, found in the bloody cross and empty tomb of Jesus. As the culture finds Christianity stranger and stranger, we will find that the strangest thing we have to say is, “Jesus saves.” This article is adapted from my book Onward: Engaging the Culture Without Losing the Gospel.

A journey through grief is complex and confusing. One way to gauge how well you are dealing with the loss, your grief and your grief emotions is to take an inventory of all the emotions and experiences that are a part of your grief journey. Below is a whole list of things you might think or feel (or have thought or felt) when someone has died. Read through the list as quickly as you can and check the thoughts and feelings that come close to describing the same thoughts and feelings you have experienced (no matter how short or long you experienced them). Don’t think too much about each one; just go through the checklist as quickly as you can! ____1. Sometimes I feel left out; people forget to ask about me and how I am doing. ____2. Sometimes I get angry with the person for dying. ____3. Sometimes I feel sad and hurt when I think about it. ____4. Sometimes I feel guilty. ____5. It really feels weird to be around other people who knew the person that died. ____6. I wonder about death and dying ____7. Sometimes I feel guilty cause I don’t want to want to be sad all the time. ____8. Sometimes I get jealous because other people don’t have these feelings. ____9. Sometimes this all feels like a dream that will go away when I wake up. ____10. Sometimes I feel real confused and out-of-sorts! ____11. I feel helpless, like there isn’t anything I could do to stop it or to help. ____12. I wonder if the same thing could happen to someone else in my family. ____13. Anything can hit you the wrong way and bring up all kinds of feelings. ____14. Not crying means that I am strong and I can hold it together. ____15. I wonder if I should of acted differently towards the person that died. ____16. Sometimes I find myself getting angry at the person that died. ____17. Sometimes I find myself mad at God for letting this happen. ____18. I wonder about what would have happened if they did not die. ____19. I need a break from thinking about all this cause I still need to have fun. ____20. I know I’m just a normal person in an abnormal situation. ____21. Sometimes I start thinking that the person really isn’t dead. ____22. People are always trying to get me to be happy when I need to feel sad. ____23. Sometimes my family isn’t very helpful and I have to talk to friends. ____24. Sometimes my friends aren’t very helpful and I rely on my family for support. ____25. I find myself being more cautious or careful these days. ____26. I feel like the sadness will never go away. ____27. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who feels the way I do about all this. ____28. I get mad because this is so unfair!!! ____29. I get confused sometimes, and it’s hard to concentrate and remember things. ____30. Sometimes I get scared, even for no reason. ____31. I feel like I am a different person now that this has happened to me. ____32. Sometimes I pretend it hasn’t happened. ____33. Life goes on–and I get mad because it’s not happening to anyone else’s family, it’s happened to mine! ____34. I can still be happy even though this is happening to me. ____35. Sometimes when I think about it, I don’t feel anything at all. ____36. I’d like to erase this all from my brain! ____37. Sometimes I don’t want to think about it or talk about it because it’s too much! ____38. I just can’t help worrying about other people in my family. ____39. Sometimes I have dreams and even nightmares about the person who died. ____40. Sometimes I cry for no reason. ____41. I get afraid sometimes to be alone ____42. I get worried or feel anxious more than I used to (for no particular reason). ____43. Nighttime can be the hardest time—that’s when I can’t stop thinking about it! ____44. Sometimes I think I’ll never get use to this. ____45. Sometimes I feel guilty because I did or said something mean to the person who’s died–but I was just mad. ____46. Sometimes I can’t remember what it was like before the person died. ____47. I know what has happened but don’t understand why! ____48. I wonder if the person who died knows that I love him/her. ____49. Nobody asked me what I think or how I feel. ____50. I know no matter what happens, I am going to be okay. Whew! That’s quite a list! So how many thoughts and feelings did you check? Maybe you recognized ten or twenty, or maybe even all fifty! Some of these things are hard to feel and some are hard to admit that you feel. Remember that taking an inventory of how the loss has impacted you equips you to better face your grief journey. Remember, the thing about thoughts and feelings is that they are not right or wrong, and they are not good or bad. They just are, and you can’t help thinking or feeling the way you do about anything! It is what you do to take care of your thoughts and feelings that matter. Some of these feelings feel good, and some feel not so good. All these thoughts and feelings are normal! Everyone who experiences grief can think and feel these ways. And, many persons, big and little, find it helpful to share these with others. Find someone with whom you feel safe to share your grief thoughts and feelings with. Here is my grief survival guide “ Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” available online at Amazon Larry is the director of GriefWorks, a free grief support program for children and their families in Dallas TX http://grief-works.org.

Share 0 I talked with a young woman who viewed the Christian life as one of utter dullness. She knew that following Christ was the right thing to do, but she was certain it would mean sacrificing her happiness. Where did this young woman, who was raised in a fine Christian family and church, acquire such an unbiblical notion? What are we doing—what are we missing—that leaves many of our children and our churches laboring under such false impressions? Why do we think it would be unspiritual for the Christian life to be centered on what God calls the good news of happiness (Isaiah 52:7)? Celebration and gladness of heart have characterized the church, including the suffering church, throughout history. Scripturally, the culture of God’s people is one of joy, happiness, gratitude, eating and drinking, singing and dancing, and making music. It’s not the people who know God who have reason to be miserable—it’s those who don’t. Unfortunately, children who grow up seeing church as a morose, hypercritical place will turn their backs on it in their quest for happiness. Those who have found happiness in the church, and ultimately in Christ, will usually stay or return. If we want our children and grandchildren and future generations to seek God as the answer to their deepest longings, we must teach them the foundational truth that He is by nature happy. They need to see that the God who brings them the Good News really can (and longs to) “change their sadness into happiness” (Jeremiah 31:13, NCV). When we understand that the God of the Bible is both happy and powerful enough to overcome our greatest grief and suffering and to give us cause for eternal happiness, Satan’s arguments against trusting God will lose their power. Sadly, few churches teach that God is happy—or wants us to be happy. We are unintentionally silencing the biblical revelation of one part of God’s nature, at great loss to the church, families, and individuals. I believe it’s vital that we not leave our children and future generations of Christians to figure out for themselves that God is happy. Most never will. How can they, unless their families and churches teach them and demonstrate God-centered happiness in their own lives? We need to tell them that sin, suffering, shame, and unhappiness are temporary conditions for God’s people. We’ll once and for all be righteous, healthy, shame free, and happy. Once we’re in His presence, we’ll never again experience the anger, judgment, and discipline of God we see in Scripture (all of which are appropriate and important, but even now do not nullify His happiness or love). What if our children and grandchildren learned from childhood that to know God is to know happiness—and to not know Him is misery that propels us to search for happiness where it can’t be found? What if, without having to explore the world’s sin, as Augustine did, they could understand his prayer after his conversion: “There is a joy that is not given to those who do not love you, but only to those who love you for your own sake. You, yourself, are their joy”?[i] What if they understood Augustine’s words, “They who think there is another, pursue some other and not the true joy”?[ii] What if our children saw in our families and churches a breadth of Christ-centered, ultimately optimistic happiness and were taught that this happiness originates in God, not the world? How might it fulfill these words: “That the generation to come might know, even the children yet to be born, that they may arise and tell them to their children, that they should put their confidence in God” (Psalm 78:6-7, NASB)? Imagine if our churches were known for being communities of Jesus-centered happiness, overflowing with the sheer gladness of what it means to live out the good news of great joy! And what if when our families left church and went to school, work, restaurants, and musical and dramatic performances, they didn’t feel they were walking away from God but toward the same happy God they’ve been worshiping? Envision how contagious the doctrine of God’s happiness could be if taught and grasped and lived out. What if we really believed the gospel doesn’t just offer us and our children and our communities and our world what we need but offers us what, in the depths of our hearts, we want? What if when suffering came, we faced it with an underlying faith that erupted into genuine gladness and thanksgiving? What if instead of looking away or being paralyzed by the needs of this world, we—with humility and gladness—reached out to intervene for the hungry, the sick, the unborn, the racially profiled, and the persecuted? Wouldn’t our children be less likely to leave the Christian faith, push away church as a bad memory, and pursue the world’s inferior happiness substitutes that will ultimately destroy them? I’m not talking about contrived happiness as a pretense or a strategy for church growth, but the genuine happiness that naturally flows from God and the gospel. Jonathan Edwards said, “It is of infinite importance . . . to know what kind of being God is. For he is . . . the only fountain of our happiness.”[iii] Sadly, some imagine that following Christ boils down to, “Just say no to happiness!” My hope and prayer is that we can counteract that misconception in our families and churches with a biblical doctrine of happiness, built upon the happiness of God. May we teach them that “In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11). [i] Augustine, Augustine’s Confessions (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2014), 52. [ii] Augustine, The Confessions of Saint Augustine (New York: E. P. Dutton, 1900), 255. [iii] Jonathan Edwards, “The Importance and Advantage of a Thorough Knowledge of Divine Truth,” Select Sermons. www.epm.org