This article was authored by Ben Driver, a guest contributor to Covenant Eyes. When dealing with porn we need to look at the big picture and the little picture. We need to fight the small battles in order to win the war. Over the years I’ve become convinced that to win to war of lust we need to learn to live out the greatest and most important commandment of Christ: love. When we love God and love others we begin to win the war. Love conquers lust. Porn teaches us a distorted view of love, intimacy, other people, and even God. Love teaches us to value our neighbors; porn teaches us to objectify them. Love teaches us to serve others; porn teaches us that others exist to serve us. Love teaches us that nothing matters more then knowing God; porn teaches us that nothing matters more then immediate temporary pleasure. When we choose to love God and others, we choose to war against lust. But how do we fight in the daily battles? I believe this begins with love as well. Consider the concept of love as an acronym. We must fight with L.O.V.E. L – Leave your sin. If we ever want to see lust defeated in our lives, we must make the choice to leave our sin behind. Jesus often told people “Go, and sin no more.” Jesus calls us to the same. Have you made the choice to leave your sin? We must make the choice to leave our sin every time the temptation strikes. The Bible tells us to flee from sexual immorality. Just like Joseph ran from Potiphar’s wife, we must run from our own temptations. Sometimes this means getting ourselves far from temptation before it even happens. Things like limiting your Internet access and Internet filtering are helpful tools here. Sometimes this means physically leaving when temptation strikes. Go do something else. Ride your bike, cook a meal, call a friend, clean your house, just do something to leave the temptation. Leaving your sin is the first step to winning the battle. O – Open yourself up to others. Accountability is all about being open with others. It’s about following the Biblical commands to confess your sins and your struggles. Do you have someone who you can be honest with? If not, find someone. Just as we need to love our neighbors as ourselves, we need someone to love us enough to hold us accountable. In the moment of temptation, one of the best things you can do is open up to someone else about your struggle. Hebrews 3:12-13 says, “Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” In other words, one of the key ways we fight sin is by hearing the encouragement and exhortation of another. You need someone in your life to love you and to make sure you do not become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Sin thrives in the darkness so expose it to the light of love. The battle will never be one alone. V – Value the right things. What do you really value? Porn teaches us to value temporary pleasure. The pleasure of porn only lasts as long as the time spent viewing it. God offers something better and He invites us to value the right things. In Matthew 5:29, Jesus commands us to value our eternity even more then our physical bodies. He says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell.” Do you value freedom from this sin? We must make the choice to value the things of God. E – Engage with God. Jesus simply says in Matthew 5:8, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” The more we “see God” the more pure we become, and vice versa. The cycle of porn is one of shame and more impurity. The cycle of engaging with God is one of love and purity. Have you been engaging with God lately? To win the battles we must engage with God. Make the choice to love. Win the war by fighting the battles. The amazing truth of God’s word is that God loves us even in spite of our sin. If we strive to love Him and others I’m convinced that the chains of lust will be broken. Let’s defeat lust with love! ---------- Ben Driver, guest author, is the minister for the Bellevue Church of Christ in Bellevue, Ohio. He is passionate about Christians fulfilling the Great Commandment and the Great Commission. He cares deeply about the issue of pornography and wants to help others find freedom through Christ.

Maybe this is your journey. Here’s the scene: You’re in a battle with sickness, oppression or some similar need. However, you seek God and, in some way, the grace of God touches your life. Your victory may have come through God’s Word or prayer or some other encouragement, but you absolutely know the Lord delivered you. Using the five smooth stones of divine grace, you defeated your Goliath. But then, a few weeks or months later (or perhaps, years), suddenly all the old symptoms return with a vengeance. If you were struggling with an illness, it manifests now worse than ever; if your battle was regarding a relationship, it seems like all progress has been lost and you are back to square one. Have you ever been there? These negative experiences can drain the faith from your heart to such a degree that you feel you’ll never recover the anticipation of faith again. A spiritual paralysis immobilizes your soul. You may still attend church, but your faith is unresponsive; when others testify of a healing or deliverance, you secretly wait, measuring the time until they, too, lose their healing. For many, the result is one of severe disillusionment. The scripture says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov 13:12). How can you trust God when it seems like He let you down? You wonder: Did I lose my breakthrough or was I only deceiving myself and never really had it? But it is very possible that what you are experiencing is an entirely new spiritual battle, not a loss of God’s blessing. This new war is a very clever and effective deception that Satan uses to try and worm his way back into the lives of those delivered by God. I had been praying about this very thing, this returning battle, when the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart, “Goliath had a brother.” I was immediately reminded of David’s war against the Philistine giant. We all know that David became a great hero by trusting God and defeating Goliath. However, later in his life other giants showed up to war against the Lord’s servant. Amazingly, all of them were related to Goliath! Three of these giants were Goliath’s actual children; one, was Goliath’s brother (See 1 Chr 20.). So, after defeating a giant once, David suddenly had to face another giant. Get this point: Goliath had a brother that looked like him. We can imagine that the giant talked like Goliath, fought like him, and probably even smelled like him. Other than saying David was weary, the Bible is silent as to what might have been going through the king’s mind. Perhaps he wondered, “I thought I killed you. What are you doing back?” But, Goliath hadn’t come back. It was the giant’s brother and children that returned; it just looked like the same battle! The truth was, Goliath was dead. Likewise, you also have had many successful victories. JUST BECAUSE THE CURRENT GIANT YOU ARE FACING LOOKS LIKE ONE YOU DEFEATED IN THE PAST, DON’T BUY THE LIE THAT YOU NEVER REALLY WON THE FIRST BATTLE! By the strength of God’s grace, you trusted the Almighty and conquered your Goliath. The first giant is dead. Satan is masquerading as your former enemy so he can slip past your faith and regain entrance into your life. Resist him. Stand in faith (Eph 6). Don’t accept the lie that you were never delivered. The victory that overcomes the world is our faith (1 John 5:4). The Living God who helped you conquer Goliath will empower you to overcome his brother as well. Father, I bring to You Your servants. Lord, some have fought battles that seem to have reoccurred. Like David, they have become weary with fighting this enemy. By the power of Your Holy Spirit, I expose the lie that they had not previously conquered this enemy. In Jesus’ name, I rebuke the enemy. I ask You Lord to send angels to strengthen supernaturally Your people, just as angels often strengthened Jesus. In the name of the Lord. Amen! www.frangipane.org

The Holy Spirit has an amazing ministry in the life of the believer. You should know exactly how He blesses your life. 1. He convicts the world of sin, righteousness, and judgment (John 16:8). 2. He guides us into all truth (John 16:13). 3. He regenerates us (John 3:5-8; Titus 3:5). 4. He glorifies and testifies of Christ (John 15:26; 16:14). 5. He reveals Christ to us and in us (John 16:14-15). 6. He leads us (Rom. 8:14; Gal. 5:18; Matt. 4:1; Luke 4:1). 7. He sanctifies us (2 Thess. 2:13; 1 Pet. 1:2; Rom. 5:16). 8. He empowers us (Luke 4:14; 24:49; Rom. 15:19; Acts 1:8). 9. He fills us (Eph. 5:18; Acts 2:4; 4:8, 31; 9:17). 10. He teaches us to pray (Rom. 8:26-27; Jude 1:20). 11. He bears witness in us that we are children of God (Rom. 8:16). 12. He produces in us the fruit or evidence of His work and presence (Gal. 5:22-23). 13. He distributes spiritual gifts and manifestations (the outshining) of His presence to and through the body (1 Cor. 12:4, 8-10; Heb. 2:4). 14. He anoints us for ministry (Luke 4:18; Acts 10:38). 15. He washes and renews us (Titus 3:5). 16. He brings unity and oneness to the body (Eph. 4:3; 2:14-18). Here He plays the same role that He plays in the Godhead. The Spirit is the life that unites Father and Son. He plays the same role in the church. When He is operating in a group of people, He unites them in love. 17. He is our guarantee and deposit of the future resurrection (2 Cor. 1:22; 2 Cor. 5:5). 18. He seals us unto the day of redemption (Eph. 1:13; 4:30). 19. He sets us free from the law of sin and death (Rom. 8:2). 20. He quickens our mortal bodies (Rom. 8:11). 21. He reveals the deep things of God to us (1 Cor. 2:10). 22. He reveals what has been given to us from God (1 Cor. 2:12). 23. He dwells in us (Rom. 8:9; 1 Cor. 3:16; 2 Tim. 1:14; John 14:17). 24. He speaks to, in, and through us (1 Cor. 12:3; 1 Tim. 4:1; Rev. 2:11; Heb 3:7; Matt. 10:20; Acts 2:4; 8:29; 10:19; 11:12, 28; 13:2; 16:6,7; 21:4,11). 25. He is the agent by which we are baptized into the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:13). 26. He brings liberty (2 Cor. 3:17). 27. He transforms us into the image of Christ (2 Cor. 3:18). 28. He cries in our hearts, “Abba, Father” (Gal. 4:6). 29. He enables us to wait (Gal. 5:5). 30. He supplies us with Christ (Phil. 1:19, KJV). 31. He grants everlasting life (Gal. 6:8). 32. He gives us access to God the Father (Eph. 2:18). 33. He makes us (corporately) God’s habitation (Eph. 2:22). 34. He reveals the mystery of God to us (Eph. 3:5). 35. He strengthens our spirits (Eph. 3:16). 36. He enables us to obey the truth (1 Pet. 1:22). 37. He enables us to know that Jesus abides in us (1 John 3:24; 4:13). 38. He confesses that Jesus came in the flesh (1 John 4:2). 39. He says “Come, Lord Jesus” along with the bride (Rev. 22:17). 40. He dispenses God’s love into our hearts (Rom. 5:5). 41. He bears witness to the truth in our conscience (Rom. 9:1). 42. He teaches us (1 Cor. 2:13; John 14:26). 43. He gives us joy (1 Thess. 1:6). 44. He enables some to preach the gospel (1 Pet. 1:12). 45. He moves us (2 Pet. 1:21). 46. He knows the things of God (1 Cor. 2:11). 47. He casts out demons (Matt. 12:28). 48. He brings things to our remembrance (John 14:26). 49. He comforts us (Acts 9:31). 50. He makes some overseers in the church and sends some out to the work of church planting [through the body] (Acts 20:28; 13:2). Summary: The Holy Spirit unites us to Jesus Christ and to His body. He reveals Christ to us, gives us His life, and makes Christ alive in us. The Spirit takes the experiences of Jesus . . . His incarnation, ministry, crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension . . . and brings them into our own experience. Because of the Holy Spirit, the history of Jesus Christ becomes our story and experience (see Jesus Manifesto for details).

“Blessed is the person who is not offended by me.” ~ Matthew 11:6 To be offended means to stumble or trip. The Scripture tells us that Jesus is a rock of offense . . . or a rock of stumbling . . . to the disobedient (1 Peter 2:8). In His earthly days, the Lord Jesus was constantly offending the religious establishment. But in the above text, Jesus has someone else in mind. He’s speaking to His followers: “Blessed are you, my followers, when you are not offended by me.” The context bears this out. John the Baptist was utterly loyal to Jesus. He walked a life of total self-denial. He gave everything up for his God. And now he finds himself in a cold prison. We have no record that the Lord ever visited him there. So John is questioning and doubting. He’s probably thinking, “Was it really worth it? I lived my whole life to pave the way for the Messiah, and now I’m in prison. The kingdom hasn’t yet come.” John is wondering and wavering; he’s tempted to stumble at his Lord. So he sends word to Jesus asking, “Are you really the one who was to come? Or should we expect another?” Again, Jesus doesn’t visit John. He instead sends this answer to him via his disciples: “Go back and report to John what you’re seeing. The deaf hear; the blind see; the lepers are cleansed; the dead are raised; the good news is being preached to the poor . . . and happy is the person who is not offended in me. Peaceful is the man who doesn’t stumble over me. Blessed is the person who doesn’t fall away on account of what I do or not do.” Over the years, I’ve watched Christians take offense with the Lord. Some of them were passionate followers of Jesus in their youth, but later ended up renouncing Him. Why? Because they chose to be offended by Him. “Blessed is the person who is not offended by me.” This is the forgotten beatitude. In this post, I want to share three reasons why Christians become offended by their Lord. In part two of the series, I want to discuss the issue of Christians being offended by others. The two are distinct, but not separate. Reason 1: He demands too much. In John 16:1, Jesus tells His disciples that He’s sharing “all these things” so they won’t be offended by Him. Some of those “things” were stern warnings that they would be hated by the world and persecuted (John 15:18ff.). Jesus made clear that following Him won’t lead to a bed of roses. Suffering and loss are involved. Unfortunately, some present a gospel that leaves these parts out. The result: Christians get offended when they realize what they’ve gotten into. But Jesus lets us know up front what following Him entails. Even in His own day, some of His followers stopped walking with Him because they regarded the cost too high (John 6:53-59). Reason 2: He doesn’t meet our expectations. The Lord often works in ways that we don’t understand. I’ve heard some Christians say, “My life would have been much better today if I didn’t follow Jesus in my youth. Look where it’s gotten me.” In Finding Organic Church, I talk about the Catch-30 crisis. There comes a point in all our lives where we reassess the major commitments we’ve made in early adulthood. And we either dig in deeper or we abandon ship. Isaiah says that God’s ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:9). The Lord works on levels that we cannot fathom. Paul says that God works all things for our good (Romans 8:28). “Why hasn’t God answered this prayer? Why didn’t He fulfill this promise? Why did He let this happen to me? Why did He let this happen to him/her? Why is God silent when I need to hear Him most?” These are the questions that plague the mind of the serious believer. If you’ve not yet met the God who refuses to meet all your expectations, you will. And how you react in that day will reveal whether you are worshiping Jesus Christ or Santa Clause (see John 6:26). It will show whether or not you love God more than His promises (or really, your interpretation of those promises). Jeanne Guyon once said, “I will still serve Him, even if it sends me to hell.” Job said, “Shall we receive good from the hand of the Lord and not evil?” Recall the three Hebrew children. They had lived a life loyal to their God. And the pagan king said to them, “Worship my golden image or else you’re going to die in my fiery furnace.” Their answer is telling: “We’re not going to worship this image or serve your gods. The Lord is able to deliver us, and He will deliver us from your fiery furnace. But even if He doesn’t, we’re still not going to bow down to your false gods.” What an attitude. What a posture. What faith. “God will deliver us. But even if He doesn’t, we will still follow Him.” Those words contain thunder and lightning for every child of God. If I can use an illustration, we mortals are living on pages 300-400 of a 2,000 page book. Only God can see the whole book. And He’s only given us the ability to see pages 300-400. We have no capacity to understand what’s in pages 1-299 or pages 401 to 2,000. We can only speculate and assume what’s in them (hence we create all sorts of intricate theological systems to explain mysteries we don’t understand). Here’s a lesson to learn: Life always comes down to trusting in the Lord rather than trying to figure out His ways via our finite, limited understanding. Yet together, we can better discover and understand what’s in pages 300-400, and thereby learn to live more effectively within them. (I hope blog posts like this contribute to that goal.) Reason 3: He doesn’t show up on time. He works too slowly. He reacts too late. His deliverance takes too long. God’s clock is a lot slower than ours. We can text or email our prayer to God, and He doesn’t text or email back when we expect. In fact, sometimes we never hear back from Him at all. The screen is blank. Sometimes we’ll pray for an important matter in our own lives . . . . or we’ll pray for someone else . . . for years. And the dial doesn’t move. Waiting on the Lord can become weary. And it can lead to offense. But God always keeps perfect time. To sum up, here’s how NOT to offended by the Lord: Remember that He demands everything, and He has promised suffering and tribulation along with blessing and eternal life. So don’t sell out for a cheap, easy gospel. Such is not the gospel of Jesus Christ. He told us what we were getting into and exhorted us to count the cost ahead of time (Luke 14:26ff.). Remember that His ways are higher than ours, and He doesn’t always show us what He’s doing or why. We may not always understand what He does or allows, but He can still be trusted. This is the nature of walking by faith rather than by sight. Even when His grace isn’t sufficient, it is always sufficient. Remember that God is always on time, but His clock ticks differently from ours. He’s a Lord who sometimes shows up long after the hour of healing has passed and we are dead for four days. Just ask Lazarus. Being offended by God is a choice. You can choose to take offense at the Lord and stumble over that which you don’t understand. Or you can “trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). “Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!” (Romans 11:33). www.frankviola.org . Used by permission.

In John 8:44, Jesus speaks of Satan as “a liar and the father of lies.” Deception is his preferred tool as he attempts to rob God of His glory. Like any other vandal, he seeks to mar all that might reflect the glory of God, and make it unattractive to those searching for truth and relationship. However, he is clever enough to package his lies in appealing ways. Just as he did in the garden, he puts just enough “truth” in the lie to make it plausible. Then he repeats the age-old question, “Did God really say … ?” One such lie has birthed a commonly held misconception in our culture, and many others. On the surface, this misconception seems appealing because it appears to promote peace and harmony. Over the past couple of decades, “tolerance” has become a social dogma so firmly ensconced in our culture, that questioning it can lead to mandated “sensitivity training” or worse (if there is worse!). On the surface, tolerance appears virtuous. After all, doesn’t the Bible teach that we should love all people, and accept them where they are? Yes it does, but tolerance doesn’t teach us to love anyone, only to “put up with them.” It says, “ I won’t mess with you, if you don’t mess with me.” In contrast, love compels me to get involved in other’s lives, to leave my comfort zone, even at my own expense. Tolerance falls short of Jesus’ commission “… teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.” (Matthew 28:20). Tolerance is content to leave someone where they are, no matter how harmful their situation. That’s not love, that’s apathy! In essence, tolerance is a form of selfishness that allows me the comfort of ignoring the spiritual condition of others, as long as I “tolerate” them. Casas Assistant Pastor, Darin Hoffman, puts it this way, “I’ll let you be selfish, if you let me be selfish.” A popular bumper sticker spells out the word “coexist” using various religious and ideological symbols. • C – Islams’s crescent and star; • O – Wicca’s pentagram; • E – (=mc2) for science; • X – Judaism’s star of David; • I – Buddhism’s Karma Wheel dotting the i; • S – Taoism’s Tao symbol; • T – Christianity’s cross. The message ? – “All systems of thought and belief are equally valid. It’s OK for you to believe in one of them, as long as you accept all the others.” This is no different than “moral relativism”, the belief that there is no absolute truth; “I have my truth and you have your truth.” And it does nothing to tear down walls. Rather it allows me to build up strong walls with large signs on them that say, “Don’t preach at me and I won’t preach at you!” The technical term for this is “henotheism” A term coined by Max Müller, to mean devotion to a single “God” while accepting the existence of other gods. Müller stated that henotheism means “monotheism in principle and a polytheism in fact.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henotheism) A henotheist may exclusively worship one god, for whatever reasons, while accepting that there are other gods worthy of worship even if he or she chooses not to worship them. From a purely pragmatic point of view, this may appear to be the only path to world peace. It may well be the basis of the false peace the book of Revelation says will be imposed upon the world in the final days. It is only a small step from henotheism to the “truth” of a new god who embodies all of the “truth” from the lesser historical gods. A henotheistic world view requires some difficult re-interpretation of foundational scriptures. What do you do with the following? “You shall have no other gods before (or besides) me. (Exodus 20:3, and Deuteronomy 5:7) Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. (John 14:6, italics added for emphasis) At best, henotheism reduces Christianity to nothing more than a belief system, a way of thinking. But Christianity is more than that. Unlike any system of thought, Christianity is about relationship with the God who created the universe and everything in it. No other religion teaches that God desires a relationship with us, that he created men and women for communion with Him. No other system of thought teaches that God delights himself in us (Zephaniah 3:17). And no other religion teaches that God Himself sacrificed to buy us back, when we had sold ourselves into sin. The uniqueness of Christianity does not allow it to stand alongside any other as an equal. A difficult paradox for henothesim to address is that Christianity, like several others, identifies its God as the creator of the universe. There can only be one creator of the universe, all others must have been created by that creator. The only way they could all be equal would be if they were, themselves, all products of a “Darwinian creation”. Then, none of them would be the creator, because by Darwinian definition, there is no creator. However, if there is a creator-god, all others must be subservient to that god. And if any subservient god demanded man’s worship, that would be robbing the creator-god of the worship due. Who does that sound like? Again, the devil took him (Jesus) to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” (Matthew 4:8-9) We should answer as Jesus did! Our defense from such subtle deception is to cultivate an intentionally-biblical world-view. It needs to be intentional, or it will never happen. It needs to be biblical, because it needs to be based upon objective truth. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. (Ephesians 4:14) And it needs to be a world-view, in that it is all-encompassing, applied to every facet of life. Henotheism only works if I compartmentalize life. Only then can I ignore contradictions between various thought systems, because they belong to different life compartments. How then, if we are not to embrace “tolerance” as the world preaches it, should I respond to others with differing world-views. A Biblical world-view shows that we are placed in the midst of darkness as lights, beacons to guide the lost to the one true God who loves them and sacrificed His Son for them. We are to do this with compassion and understanding, yet with an urgency prompted by our concern for their eternal destiny. We are to do it with gentleness and patience, never tiring of their dullness of hearing, but constantly holding them up in prayer. And like our God, we are to lovingly sacrifice ourselves for them – that they might see a glimpse of the love God has for them. Adapted from an article written for Casas Magazine

Revelation 2:17 “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it.” Once again, like the two previous calls, the one who hears is called to obey. Hebrew has no word for obedience. To hear someone means to obey him. He who obeys is described as conqueror and overcomer. To this particular overcomer, Christ is promising something very special – hidden manna and a white stone with a new secret name. First promise is easier to interpret than the second one. Manna is a symbol of God’s sustenance and provision for the people of Israel in the wilderness as they came out of Egypt in obedience to God’s call, risking their own lives to go to a land they would only later be shown. When Jesus spoke with the Samaritan Israelite woman (John 4), his Judean Israelite disciples were returning from a nearby town with food acceptable for consumption by the Judeans (Ioudaioi). The disciples asked among themselves if perhaps someone already had brought Jesus food. He then answered them that he had something that was now, in this passage in Revelation, also being promised to the one who overcomes – the hidden manna. He said: “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” (Jn.4:32) This secret food that “the rest” did not know about is nothing less than divine energy that is able to provide sustenance in the most unimaginable and perilous circumstances. This characterized the-soon-to-be reality for believers in Pergamum. Jesus promised this energy to the one who obeys God’s words. This is why the one who obeys also is the one who overcomes. As to the identity of the white stone things are more complicated. Among the most-likely interpretations that may fit the context is a suggestion that the white stones, with names of the recipients inscribed, were given to contest winners of the Roman sport races. The white stone inscribed with a personal name presumably served as a pass to a prestigious banquet only attended by the winners. This stone would have been received upon completion of the race. While this is not a particularly Jewish cultural reference, we do know of many biblical examples of the use of Greco-Roman cultural references as illustrations for and by the Jews. For example, the Apostle Paul used many Roman sports metaphors to make his points (Phil. 3:12-14; 1 Cor. 9:24-27; 2 Tim. 4:6-8). The writer of the letter to the Hebrews also employed Roman sport imagery of running a race and receiving a winner’s wreath (See also Hebrews 12:1). This kind of imagery was well known in Judea that housed elaborate sports arenas. This kind of analogy much more closely matches the culture of the Roman city of Pergamum. No doubt the persecuted believers, both Jewish and former pagans, were aware of this practice and the elaborate banquets of honor for the overcomers/winners of the race. Most of the believers did not take part in these games by the virtue of the fact that the games included a dedication to the Roman gods. Christ tells them that in all reality they have not missed out on anything. The real race is the race of perseverance dedicated to Israel’s God. Whoever perseveres in this race and overcomes will receive a pass into the heavenly banquet of eternal honor. Another intriguing possibility continues with the theme of priestly attire as was already used in the letter of Revelation. The high priest’s robe had 12 stones with the names of the 12 tribes of Israel. One of the stones was actually white – Yahalom (it was a stone number 6), signifying the 6th son of Leah – Zebulun. What’s important about Zebulun? We read in Is. 9:1-7, quoted in Matt. 4:15 that: “In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the nations, by the Way of the Sea, beyond the Jordan. The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned… For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace. Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David’s throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever.” According to this interpretation, the sacred white stone is a symbol of Greco-Romans residing in Galilee who would receive light through the birth of Jesus. Could the secret here be the Messiah himself? Could the white stone point to Jesus through the yahalom stone once adorning the breast of the High Priest of Israel? Perhaps. Used by permission of eteacherbiblical.com.

“Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it!” (Ephesians 5:10 The Message) It’s a life-altering directive and where living intentionally begins. Intentionality then occurs when you combine information and insight to compel you to action in each of the five essential areas of life: Faith, Family, Health, Finances and Work. Yet what should be the basis for your intentions? Better asked: What does God look at to judge that your intentions are right – and from Him? 1 Samuel 16:7 says, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” Think of a grill thermometer. The steak may look done on the outside, but the thermometer will reveal whether the meat is fully cooked inside. Our lives are the same way. Appearances are fine, but deep down are areas that are still not done to completion. So what is the mechanism the Lord uses to help you see inside yourself? “The word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12) The Bible is the thermometer. We look at Scripture as a guide and encouragement, and that’s good. But the Word of God will also, like the thermometer, pierce you; it’ll challenge you to place your life’s journey in alignment with God’s intentions. At this point, it’s one thing to say you’re going to use this insight to live intentionally. It’s quite another to actually move forward. In Part 2 we’ll tackle the nasty issue of procrastination and the good intentions it creates that stay unrealized and destructive. More Than Just a Good Intention 2: God’s Intentions are Best! Procrastination is progressive and it stifles your efforts to live an intentional life in Christ. Martin Luther had it right when he said, “How soon ‘Not now’ becomes ‘Never’.” In the Bible, Nicodemus with Jesus (John 3) and Felix before Paul (Acts 24) are both examples of people who had good intentions about knowing and following God, but they procrastinated – never following through on what Christ told them. You can easily do that as well. Psychologists have identified a myriad of reasons why we procrastinate: Complex projects seem daunting Projects are deemed unpleasant An inability to prioritize Fear of failure Distractions The old saying says, “The path to Hell is filled with good intentions.” These good intentions have a definite pattern that may seem all-too-familiar to you: 1. Good intentions recognize a need in your life that 2. Creates an interest where you want to know more, but then 3. Leads to an emotional response, usually fear, that holds you back from doing anything else. Other truths about good intentions: They are not decisions; they’re just illusions of good decisions. They release you from guilt, making you feel better. But you never take it further. They’re all about the future, but not connected to now. They’re not accountable to anyone else except yourself. They promise much, require little, but accomplish nothing. They are the facilitator of procrastination. So how do you go forward from having good intentions that do nothing to possessing God’s intentions that do something and can be life-changing? 3: God-given Passion A good intention alone is fed by procrastination and accomplishes nothing. But God’s intentions, when birthed in your life, will not only move you forward. They can accomplish the incredible for you, and dramatically impact the lives of others. What do I mean? Take the example of one of my favorite Bible personalities, Nehemiah. He discovered God’s intention for his life by using the process of having a good intention – then taking it to the next level. Nehemiah: Recognized a need (the walls of Jerusalem were destroyed, and his people were in danger – Nehemiah 1:3), that then… Created an interest where he wanted to know more (Nehemiah sought God for insight – Nehemiah 1:4-11), which then… Led to an emotional response; not fear, but bold faith (Nehemiah went to the king and secured permission and resources to rebuild the walls – Nehemiah 2:1-8) The key was this: Nehemiah asked God, “What is your intention about this situation?” When he received the answer from the Lord, he immediately acted because he had a God-given passion about the need. I love that! Often, people with bad intentions have more motivation than those with good intentions because they, too, have a passion: to kill, to steal, to cheat. Yet when you break through to discover God’s intentions for you, you’ll do the right things based on His leading and direction, not yours. Now think. What are God’s intentions for you regarding your faith, family, health, finances and work? How can you employ your thinking, emotions and action to live intentionally? You start by finding the next right One Thing for each area of your life. You can live by Ephesians 5:10, “Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it!” (The Message) http://www.theintentionallife.com/onething/ Used by permission of the author.

Complacency is a potently tragic hallmark of our lives. We’ve certainly got bunches of it. In fact, as the old saying goes, we’ve got it “in spades.” Complacency is conceived in the bosom of familiarity , where something becomes so commonplace that we errantly render it as ‘common.’ We’ve yet to beat this terribly corrosive tendency we have to assume that the more we have of something, the less it’s inherent value. And held tight in the womb of such thinking, complacency is vigorously nurtured and eventually borne. With such a debilitating mentality, it often takes the absence of something to help us understand why the presence of that thing is so terribly vital. In fact, how vital something is might best be illustrated by removing it altogether. We are constantly surrounded by things that are absolutely vital to our existence, yet the regularity of their existence renders them ‘common.’ In time, ‘common’ becomes bland. And in time, bland becomes invisible. And over time, we walk in the company things wholly vital to our existence, but we feel ourselves to be walking alone. We become complacent. Diluting of Love One of the things that we become complacent about is love. We blithely toss around the idea of love in a manner that paints it as something of a magical storyline. It seems that far too often we’ve relegated it to the penmanship of misty-eyed novelists or the musings of our own minds, and in doing so we’ve seemed to have created some horribly diluted understanding of love. We’ve created sugary-sweet caricatures of love that we’ve woven into everything from t-shirts to holidays. We’ve penned its prose into a million cards, and we’ve inserted that self-same prose into tens of thousands of chapters that lay nestled between the covers of a thousand novels. We’ve created starry-eyed renditions of love that serve to put the cold realities of our existence at bay, and we’ve crafted innumerable romantic tales scripted to convince us that the shrunken life that we’re living is not all that there is to live. As is the case with far too many great things, we contort and editorialize them to suit our pithy notions and shallow needs. We can’t see great things as being great things unless we extort them and enslave them to some level of servitude. It seems that great things are great if they serve us. And so we take grandiose license with great things to mold and twist and shape them to make them great based on our needs or our schemas. And in doing so we gut them of everything that made them great, and we field dress them to their own death. We become complacent about great things. And it seems that we do that with love. Losing Love to Understand Love If we want to appreciate something in earnest, it seems that we must first lose it. The slumber of complacency is deep. There’s something at the basest core of our humanity that doesn’t awaken until it’s violently shaken. And often that violent ‘shaking’ is to lose the very thing that we need to be awakened to. Sadly, by the time that we’re finally ‘shaken’ awake from our dozing complacency, the thing that we needed to be awakened to is long gone. And out of the ensuing panic we desperately try to figure out how to get it back, or we determine that we can’t get it back so we either settle into denial or grieve our loss. Therefore, maybe the best way to understand love is to understand what life would be like without it. That’s probably not something that many of us think about or have thought about or would like to think about. But, what would our existence be like if this thing that we call ‘love’ simply didn’t existence? Additionally, what if any shred of any emotion that was even remotely similar to love simply did not exist. Take love out of our existence, and the chilling question would be “what’s left?” If we knew that, we might be less complacent. What’s Left Without Love Loss of Community Take away love and we have no reason to consider our fellowman nor join him in the partnership of life and living. The communal foundation forged strong by empathy, fired by sympathy, and cinched tight by respect is obliterated. The unbroken strength of that foundation as faithfully sustained by conscience and ethics would collapse and completely implode. In the collapse, we would become brutally rogue entities savagely committed to the sustenance of our own existence. Life would become wholly adversarial, helplessly falling into the smoldering ashes of anarchy. Without love our world would fall, and in the chaos of the descent it would tear itself apart to its own death. Loss of Self Take away love and our own individual existence would fall into abject irrelevance. The desire to sustain ourselves would devolve to a singularly primitive savagery that would be completely dependent upon the degree of savagery that we possess to sustain it. Hatred of self and for self born of the absence of love would cause us to viciously turn on ourselves, rendering us our own enemies. We would then become the very thing that we fear and the very object that we despise. And in such a pathetic conundrum, we would have no point of escape. The deep passion to expand ourselves, to expotentionally grow, to vigorously nurture the plethora of resources that we possess would simply not exist because we would not have the love for ourselves that would prompt us to such dynamic actions. In essence, to become loveless is to become non-existent. Loss of Life Take away love, and nothing would capture our imagination. We would find nothing compelling. We would never marvel or be held in the mesmerizing embrace of wonder. We would never be lifted to heights of ecstasy, nor would we know the depths to which one could fall. Passion, desire, dreams and hope are all borne of love and entirely sustained by it. And when they are gone because love is gone we become little more than mindless carbon-based life forms driven by a drive to exist that is no deeper than the drive to exist. Without love our humanity vanishes and with it everything that sets us apart from everything else. Rather, our lives would be lived out on a stale robotic continuum where life would have no flavor, no scent, no color, no melody and no texture. We would know nothing of vision and we would cease to be fascinated by ceaseless possibilities. We would lose the ability to visualize something greater than ourselves, and then believe that we have the ability to become that thing. Rather, we would become automatons, driven solely by the baser drive of instinct alone. Take away love and we take away meaning. Loss of Existence Finally, have we postulated that without love existence would never have existed in the first place? While we have done a bang-up job of banging up life, it is love that always puts it all back together again. And when love puts things back together, it always puts them back together better than they were before we messed them up. Love is the single thing that has called humanity up and out at times of monumental crisis. Love is the thing that pressed men forward at those pivotal moments in history when everything that was not love declared all as lost. Love is what pushed civilizations upward and onward when they teetered on the brink of oblivion. Love is what called people to moments of great sacrifice so that others might move on even if those sacrificing could not because of their sacrifice. It is on the winds of love that we have been raised up and thrust out. And so, I would be so bold as to say that if it weren’t for love, existence would have never existed in the first place. Getting Back to Love Love is far more than something that has arisen from the penmanship of misty-eyed novelists or the musings of our own minds. Love is far more than the sugary-sweet caricatures of love that we’ve woven into everything from t-shirts to holidays. It is infinitely greater than the prose that we’ve penned into a million cards, and it is unimaginably superior to the self-same prose that we’ve inserted into tens of thousands of chapters that lay nestled between the covers of a thousand novels. Imagine life without love and you will begin to touch the periphery of this incredible thing that we call ‘love.’ And in doing so, we can once again understand the wonderfully immense power of this thing called ‘love.’ © 2015 Craig Lounsbrough, M.Div., Licensed Professional Counselor

Just a few days after my husband’s passing, my phone rang. For the sake of protecting the guilty, let’s say the caller represented Shady Pines Old Folks Home. Me: “A personal care home? Is that one of those places where they cook your meals, clean your room, and even help you with bathing?” Shady: “It certainly is, Mrs. Clark. We can provide a wide range of services in your time of need.” Me: “Awesome. Sign me up.” My two college-age children wondered if grief had taken their mother’s sense of reason. It had not. Neither had it taken her sense of humor. Shady: “Alright Mrs. Clark, I need some more information from you, starting with your date of birth.” Me: “May 15, 1963.” Shady: “1963? Mrs. Clark, did you mean to say 63?” Me: “Sure did. I’m nifty at 50. . . Hello? You there?” And so began the long list of encounters with folks who had little understanding of widows and our needs. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, one-third of all women who become widowed are younger than age 60, and half of those widowed become so by age 65. In fact, seven out of ten baby boomers can expect to outlive their husbands. Here are nine things you need to know about the ever-increasing member of society, the widow: 1. A widow’s deepest pains last longer than a year. Immediately after a death, the church community is adept at responding with flowers or a casserole but far less gifted in maintaining a ministry to her long-term. Her experience can feel like major surgery—a radical amputation, to be specific. She may be numb for several months. After the cards and letters stop, the visits drop off, and friends return to their normal lives, her hardest work has just begun. 2. A grieving widow who lives alone may go several days without hearing another human voice, especially months after the initial funeral. Emails and text messages are good; however, phone calls and visits may be better. While this may not seem like the most efficient use of your time, efficiency and effectiveness are sometimes mutually exclusive. 3. A grieving widow’s pain is unique and volatile. What encourages one woman may be painfully unhelpful to another. Grief is like a virus that waxes and wanes with intensity. Emotional mine fields such as these may require intimate knowledge of the bereaved. A close friend might be better suited to visit than a newly hired pastor. Don’t confuse compassion for a church acquaintance with a call to take personal action. If you don’t know the widow well, allow one of her close friends to direct your ministry efforts. 4. A grieving widow is often physically and emotionally exhausted. Don’t call her late at night or early in the morning. Be patient if she is slow in responding to your acts of kindness. Graciously accept her “no thank you” when she says she’s not up to going to dinner. She isn’t refusing help or harboring bitterness. She may simply need rest. 5. A grieving widow loves her children. Watching her children suffer is a misery that compounds grief and one in which the body of Christ is uniquely suited to offer comfort. The day of my husband’s funeral, students from my children’s college (Covenant) drove more than four hours one-way just to be with my kids. The sight of several pews packed with young adults will forever stay with us. One of my son’s professors eats breakfast with my son nearly every Friday. Loving a widow’s children is loving the widow. 6. A grieving widow often feels second (or third) to everyone else. Months after my husband, Jim, died, an ice storm crippled our city. Power outages citywide and downed trees littered homes and businesses. The damage was so widespread that I couldn’t possibly ask church friends to leave their own homes to address mine. But leave they did. A tree had fallen through the roof of one church friend’s home, yet he and his dad headed first to my place. “I’m waiting on the insurance company to call me,” he said. “I can wait here working a chainsaw as easily as pace the floor there.” 7. A grieving widow’s life is not a tragedy but a gift. When she is ready, encourage her to serve. In many cases, the death of her spouse did not hamper her gifting. Quite the contrary, it is part of how God heals her. Don’t look at her through the lens of her loss, but rather chose to see God’s faithfulness as she deepens her trust in her Savior. 8. A grieving widow’s finances may dramatically change after the loss of the primary breadwinner. More than half of elderly widows now living in poverty were not poor before the death of their husbands. She may have life insurance policies, long-term savings plans, and family to lean on, yet still find her finances overwhelming. After my husband’s death, two of his friends—one an accountant, the other a senior bank vice president—helped me work out a budget based on my lower income level. And these two did not treat me like an obligation. Every time they left my home, a piece of my burden went with them. 9. God loves a grieving widow. He does not despise her tears nor shudder when she doubts her faith in the darkness. The widow knows much of Jacob’s wrestling with God. He walked with a limp the remainder of his earthly life, but gained a changed heart. A grieving widow needs gospel-drenched compassion and not pity. While compassion walks beside the bereaved, pity stands off at a safe distance. The day my husband collapsed, my boss—a physician and head of a busy community clinic—canceled his appointments immediately and came to the hospital. He looked after my in-laws with uncanny tenderness and prayed with them. When my children came in from out of town, he wrapped his arms around them both and shed tears as I told them their dad was not expected to survive. To offer compassion in any circumstance is to share in another’s suffering, and in so doing, we mirror the suffering of Christ on our behalf. Gaye Clark works as a cardiac nurse at University Hospital in Augusta, Georgia, and writes in her free time. She has two adult children, Anna and Nathan. Re-printed from Gospel Coalition. Used by permission.

“After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, “Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” 22 The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he spoke.” John 21-22 The very thought that someone from his most intimate circle of disciples could betray him gave Jesus what the Gospel calls “trouble in his spirit.” Judas Iscariot was so trusted hat no one looked his way. They looked around with bewilderment. One of the ways we know Judas was trusted by the twelve is because he was the one responsible for the disciple’s treasury. The money bag was guarded from thievery and bandits by Judas Iscariot, which may suggest that the word “Iscariot” was etymologically connected to the word sicarii. The sicarii was a Jewish ultra-zealot terrorist group operating in Judea that leveled blow after blow to the Roman occupation and their supporters. It is possible that Judas was a former sicarii. (They were largely men of principled convictions and excellent fighting skills. Judas was not entrusted with the money because he could count better than the other disciples. Had this been the case, Mathew, the former tax-collector, would have been chosen.) 23 One of his disciples, whom Jesus loved, was reclining at table at Jesus’ side, In a world where tables were on the same level as the floor, the disciples partook of their food reclining (almost prostrate) around the area where food was served. One of the disciples was this mysterious person who is called “the beloved disciple.” There have been various theories put forth as to the identity of this disciple. (None fully convincing). He was most likely the author of this otherwise anonymous Gospel. 24 so Simon Peter motioned to him to ask Jesus of whom he was speaking. Notice the level of detail that the Gospel gives. It can best be explained by the author (in opposition to Luke’s account) being an eyewitness to the narrated events. He remembers the small points, like the beloved disciple motioning to Jesus to get his attention during the meal where no doubt the disciples were loudly talking. 25 So that disciple, leaning back against Jesus, said to him, “Lord, who is it?” 26 Jesus answered, “It is he to whom I will give this morsel of bread when I have dipped it.” So when he had dipped the morsel, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. We can almost feel the tension. Jesus speaks of his betrayal by one of the disciples. The beloved disciple asked him quietly to show him who would betray him. Jesus answered just as quietly: “I will show you now”. (It was customary to take a piece of bread and dip it in something tasty and give it directly to another person nearby.) It was the perfect way to tell the beloved disciple something in such a way that no one would guess what Jesus was really doing. 27 Then after he had taken the morsel, Satan entered into him. Jesus said to him, “What you are going to do, do quickly.” 28 Now no one at the table knew why he said this to him. 29 Some thought that, because Judas had the moneybag, Jesus was telling him, “Buy what we need for the feast,” or that he should give something to the poor. 30 So, after receiving the morsel of bread, he immediately went out. And it was night. As Jesus extended his hand to give the peace of bread to Judas Iscariot he told him out loud that he should hurry up. Jesus had routinely given Judas assignments, so it looked like nothing unusual had taken place. 31 When he had gone out, Jesus said, “Now is the Son of Man glorified, and God is glorified in him. 32 If God is glorified in him, God will also glorify him in himself, and glorify him at once. 33 Little children, yet a little while I am with you. You will seek me, and just as I said to the Jews, so now I also say to you, ‘Where I am going you cannot come.’ It is intriguing that while we normally ascribe the term glorification to Jesus only after his resurrection, Jesus does so in advance of the events. It seems that Jesus viewed betrayal, death, resurrection and ascension as one package, so much so that at the time when the events that ultimately led to his death and resurrection began, he was already able to say: “Now is the Son of Man glorified”. 34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” This was intended for of all faithful Christ-followers everywhere and at all times (and rightly so) but originally it was in reference to the 12 apostles. How you may ask? If Jesus was appointing new heads of the tribes of Israel and as such was renewing Israel’s hope; when could we expect there to be some correlation with the narratives of the 12 heads of the tribes of Israel. One of the foundational stories of the sons of Jacob was the story of Joseph’s near-killing and eventual being sold into slavery in Egypt. One can hardly speak of anything more unloving than the heads of Israel’s key family attempted murder of their brother. In our text, here, at the foundation of the renewed Israel through the twelve new heads/apostles, Jesus begins by commanding them to love one another. This is indeed how their authority as true disciples of Christ would be recognized by those who are true Israel. 36 Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, where are you going?” Jesus answered him, “Where I am going you cannot follow me now, but you will follow afterward.” 37 Peter said to him, “Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.” 38 Jesus answered, “Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, the rooster will not crow till you have denied me three times. Peter’s commitment would soon be tested. Jesus told Peter that when the time would come, Peter would deny him. That time was rapidly approaching. One of the reasons Jesus said this was because he already knew Judas Iscariot was on his way to the Temple to betray Jesus’ location to the authorities for his immediate arrest.

Share 0 Leadership is a rare commodity. It’s almost impossible to imitate. Competitors can only imitate what you do, but they can’t imitate who you are. How do you define a successful leader? A great leader is someone who inspires others to greatness. This simple definition is all-encompassing. Leaders do not fit a single profile. Leaders are not like t-shirts: one size fits all. They are not robots. Different kinds of leaders can be effective. What competency do great leaders have? They know their main objective: the “one thing” that drives every decision, every methodology. What’s your “One Thing?” It is your passion, what makes life worth living for you. This one thing becomes your true north, your inner compass, your centerline. I call it having a clear “Life Philosophy”. Steve Jobs defined his vision: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. Most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” If we don’t have a clear life philosophy, we stop thinking, we stop asking questions and we don’t understand the “why” behind things. Having a clear life philosophy has two advantages. You need to know where you are going, or life will take you somewhere you don’t want to go. For example, living life is like navigating an old sailing ship on the high seas. If you drop the sails, have no compass or captain, you are driven by wind, currents and storms. You drift aimlessly. When you live purposefully, you follow the captain. You know your tools, and sail using a rudder, a compass, reading the stars. You can sail through storms, into the wind and overcome obstacles. People sense your authenticity and passion. They identify your purpose, inner conviction, honesty and transparency. Being a purposeful leader gives you freshness and joy. Such character is attractive and compelling. How do you develop your life philosophy? Think deeply. Know yourself and understand life’s principles. We often depend on others to think for us. We listen to media, politicians, preachers and friends to tell us what to think and how to determine right and wrong. Thinking deeply requires simplicity, silence and solitude. What can you eliminate in your life to slow down and focus? What habits clutter your thinking? How much media can you pare down? How much time do you devote to television, internet, social media, e-mails? Do you look at your iPhone 150 times per day? Silence requires us to quiet our minds, talk less and listen more. We need to listen to others, but also to our inner voice. We need to be spiritual people. Solitude is essential to thinking deeply. You spend time with the person you want to get to know. To know yourself, you must spend time with yourself, meditate and allow yourself to be comfortable with being alone. Peel back layers of pretense and self-delusion and learn who you truly are. By the time we are adults, we form a “protective shield.” Psychologists call it “confirmation bias.” Confirmation bias happens when we filter reality through our prejudices, ignoring evidence that challenges or refutes what we believe and eagerly accepting evidence that confirms what we believe. Confirmation bias becomes a form of “self-delusion” Author Adam Smith writes that self-delusion is the “source of half the disorders of human life,” creating multiple problems in human existence. President Lincoln struggled with the injustices in the South. He knew the Confederate leaders. How could so many reasonable, educated and godly men defend the atrocities of slavery and its injustice? Confirmation bias. They saw what they wanted to see, and disregarded the rest. Mentors, spouses, books, self-evaluation, and psychological testing all help us see the reflection of our “true selves.” Finally, we need to “feed the wolf” as leaders. We must understand the governing laws of life and learn how to utilize them to our advantage. There are laws of nature, economics, and spirituality. If we don’t clearly understand these laws, we will find ourselves fighting against them. Here is just one example: An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, lies and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth.” The boy thought about it and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.” What you feed is what will grow. You are either going to feed good or evil, virtue or vice. Be a focused leader. Think deeply. Know yourself. Practice virtue and integrity. Those who follow will bless you.

Laura’s Question: ?” The other day I was sharing with my husband about my day. It was a hard and long day. As I started to tear up, he launched into solutions to my problems. I’m hurt now because I have asked him to just listen before, but he does not get it. What do I do? How can I get him to understand that I usually just need a listening ear and that I will ask for solutions when I need them?”?? Dr. Leman’s Answer: This is something that men don’t get. Your husband is an absolute perfect specimen of what is a man. Men, by their nature, are fixers. Just like so many women, by their nature of comforters, givers, and huggers. ?Okay? So, we’re asking the crooked river not to bend.? You have to know what you’re up against. And so, that’s probably one of the toughest questions that I could be asked but let me be the wife here for a minute and see if I can pull this off. ?”Frank, I need to talk to you and I don’t want you to say one word for the next three minutes. I just want you to hear what I have to tell you. And Frank, this is very serious.” And there’s a pause on purpose. And then, you launch into it.? ”Yesterday afternoon, when you came home, I started to share with you about my day and about how my day turned ugly quickly. And you could see in my face and you could see the tears in my eyes–this was bothering me. As I began to reach into my heart, to bare my soul to you, you took a meat cleaver and you cut the pork loin in two. Crash. You just cut me off. And I was more than hurt by that.”? “I realize this isn’t easy for you or any of your buddies at work could do naturally because men are not great listeners. They’re fixers. You went on to point out all the things that I need to do to solve my problem. Frank, that’s the least I need from you. That is not what my heart desires. I want you to hear me out and that’s why I’ve asked not for one word out of your mouth for the next three minutes because you really have to understand how I, as a woman, operate.”?“ And I know enough that I’m representative of the female gender. We, as women, have a need to pour our feelings with a safety net underneath us. And that safety net is you. We want to be like that commercial, you’re in good hands with Allstate. We want to feel like there’s tendered gentle hands around our feelings.” ?“And when I share from my heart and that meat cleaver comes down and just shuts me off, I feel hurt. I feel neglected, I feel unwanted, I feel disrespected and it brings up feelings in me. Frank, that quite frankly, I don’t think I would feel at a liberty to tell you how bad those feelings are because it cuts through the very core of who I am.” ?“So, I know it’s difficult for you to just listen. But I need you to just listen to me. I don’t need you to fix anything. So, when I pour out my heart to you, what I need from you is open arms, a smiling face, a warm caress. You know what that means to me? It means you get it. You understand what I’m up against.”? And then, I just might say to you, “Frank, I’m stuck. I need your help. And you come on with your suggestions because you have a logical, linear, A comes before B which comes before C mind. And I’ll admit I need that from time to time in my life. You’re my rock, you’re the man I love. You’re the one I’ve had children with. The only man I’ve ever been intimate with in my entire life. So when I share these feelings with you, I’m almost to that point, just open your hands like Allstate and then mimic and you just squash those feelings by rubbing your hands together that makes me feel like I’m less than a human being.”? “Now, I’m so glad you didn’t say a word. I appreciate you hearing me up. “Now, I’m going to do something that you’re going to love. I’m going to say to you, ‘Frank, tell me how you feel about what I just said.’ “?Now, if he tells you some things at that point, okay? And again, your job is to listen. What he’s done, if he’s missing points, now it’s your turn to come back and say, “Okay, fine. I need to ask you just one more time. I just need one minute of silence on your part because I want to clarify something that I said that I think you misinterpreted.”? Okay? And then you go ahead and clarify it, okay? And then again, at the end of that you say to him, “Alright, now you’ve heard what I said now. Now you have an opportunity to tell me what you think you heard just so there’s no escaping the fact that we, as husband and wife, need to be on the same page. That’s one of the very practical ways I think a husband and wife can stay on the page. But realize you only stand a chance if you’re willing to shut your mouth and really listen to the other person.”