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Many people see multiple personality disorder as demon possession. Can a person with this disorder NOT be demonized? Here is a review from Dr. Chet Weld on the insightful book: Shattered Secrets by Gwendolyn and Dorothy Egan and written by Laura Steffens. Imagine awaking from a blackout of time that lasted for days. You have evidence that you lived your life. You may have journal entries or simply the comments of others about your behavior. But what you don’t know is that, during that time span, another personality was “the boss of you.” You “switched.” Early in your most formative years, such a switch was out of your control. Also, imagine that these switches are frequent over a period of 28 years with an increasing number of personalities taking charge. Imagine that at first you don’t know what’s going on. “Shattered Secrets,” leads us through Gwen Egan’s dark, multipersonality corridors of survival of abuse and loss into the light of deliverance and freedom. As the reader journeys through Gwen’s account of creating personalities in order to deal with traumas, we learn of the psychologist who didn’t tell her parents that their minor child had multiple personalities. This trusted therapist also did not tell the parents that Gwen had been molested at the age of three. He also fostered Gwen’s dependence on him, even let Gwen sit in his lap, as well as talked to the personalities one by one, which is exactly the wrong thing to do. Secrets were kept from the family between Gwen and the therapist, increasing Gwen’s struggle to survive. After turning 18 Gwen remained with the same therapist who was no longer required by law to divulge any information to the family. Gwen was increasingly fractured in spirit, soul, mind, and body (having extreme migraine headaches). Gwen was born with Apert syndrome, having feet with fused toes and hands with fused fingers. Apert syndrome also includes cranial/facial abnormalities. Her father, Bert (now passed on), was a WWII hero and a kind and gentle father, and her mother, Dorothy, has always been a hard worker and a loving mother. Now try to imagine that you are a member of this wonderful family that also includes two loving, younger sisters, Shawna and Rachel. When angry personalities were in control of Gwen, none of you had any idea what was going on. As a child, Gwen endured many operations to correct the deformities of her hands and feet. As an adolescent, Gwen’s face was reshaped by plastic surgeons. Despite the benefit of these operations, Gwen was still ridiculed throughout her childhood for not looking “normal” and for being “stupid.” The theme of Gwen’s life was an established record of rejection. Gwen says, “I was a walking conflict.” Laura Steffens, a journalist and the writer of “Shattered Secrets,” skillfully weaves the events of Gwen’s drama, as told to her by Gwendolyn and Dorothy, into a riveting tale of Gwen’s condition going from bad to worse, from miserable to thoroughly demonized, and from oppressive darkness to finally emerging into the liberating presence of God Himself. The writer also clearly explains the difference between different personalities and demons. The writer thoroughly researched the subject of Multiple Personality Disorder, now called D.I.D., or Dissociative Identity Disorder. She also researched treatment methods and underlying paradigms used by therapists. Interviewing skilled secular and Christian-based mental health professionals, she left no stone unturned to try to understand Gwen and to present an accurate and absorbing account of Gwen’s torment and her ultimate victory over darkness. The writer recounts details of Gwen’s life such as telling us about sexual abuse, the exact words of the teacher that ridiculed Gwen in front of her class members, and the impact on Gwen of losing her grandfather. Speaking of going “from bad to worse,” the therapist’s treatment via hypnosis seemed to be the cause of the emergence of five more personalities that Gwen believes were demons (while the first four were not, but were simply supposed protectors from the pain of trauma or loss). Gwen says the five demons even took control of the first four personalities. The end result of Gwen’s therapy sessions (presumably hundreds of them) was that the real Gwen was in “solitary confinement” or “lock-down.” Some of the personalities hated her and wanted her dead. Because Gwen’s family cannot locate the therapist, now presumed dead, many questions go unanswered, engaging the reader even more in Gwen’s mysterious world. Gwen had secrets from herself, her psychologist, and her family. Many secrets that needed to be shattered! This reviewer was privileged to counsel Gwen long after she had been healed and delivered. We counseled around relatively common issues, unrelated to her past. When I first saw that Gwen had two fingers on each hand, I felt badly for her. I prayed, “O, God, I would gladly trade hands with her so that she could know what it’s like to have the use of five fingers on each hand.” I had that thought every time I saw her in the brief number of sessions I was privileged to counsel her. I think God’s Holy Spirit was simply helping me to identify with a portion of the pain Gwen had endured even though I didn’t know the full details at the time. After reading Shattered Secrets and learning of her ultimate healing, I know that Gwen is such an overcomer (she’s even a very good typist!), that I don’t think she’d even want my fingers. Jim Rohn says that past experiences can either be our master or our servant. Through the strength and wisdom that only God can give, Gwen has made the dark encounters her servant. She knows that, as the Bible says, she is “seated in heavenly places in Christ Jesus” and that she now lives her life through Him. She lives in the light. No more secrets! Now imagine that you are Gwen, that your trusted therapist had told you that healing was impossible, but that that you are now bursting with “impossible” love and joy of God. The victory of a spirit-filled underdog who conquered a mighty Goliath! Without divulging the entirety of Gwen’s complete and permanent healing, this reviewer can say that Gwen’s loving family, a pastor filled with the power of God, the sudden appearance of a Christian woman who became Gwen’s first friend, and Gwen’s motivation to be whole played key roles. Ultimately, the reader learns much about a mysterious subject and is uplifted by Gwen’s victory. With God’s help Gwen’s secrets are totally shattered, and feelings of rejection are destroyed by God’s love. This reviewer believes that anyone can be ennobled by absorbing the truths of “Shattered Secrets” and that this book should be read by all mental health professionals.

How many of you said you were never going to say what your parents said to you? More than that, how many of you now say what they used to say to you and now YOU sound just like THEM!! This just goes to show that what parents model STICKS! There are three types of parents, and who you are as a parent has a lot to do with the way your child responds to you. I’ve talked about this in depth in other books (Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours is a good resource) Let me give you the summarized version. Does this sound like you? “Buford, have you chosen to go to bed yet?” Do you want to make sure your child never fails? Are you continually doing things for your child that he could do for himself? Are you your child’s best friend at every turn? Do you find it hard or impossible to say no to him? Promising a reward if he does what you ask? A permissive parent: -Places the priority on the child, not on his or her spouse. -Robs the child of self-respect and self-esteem by doing things for her that he child can do for himself -Provides the child with the “Disneyland” experience; make things as easy as possible-does homework for the child.. etc.. -Invites rebellion with inconsistent parenting Does this sound like you? “You go to bed RIGHT NOW!” Are you always right? Do you bark out orders to your kid and threaten him with warnings if he doesn’t immediately do what you say? Do you tell him how to do life in no uncertain terms? An authoritarian parent: -Makes all decision for the child -Uses reward and punishment to control the child’s behavior -Sees himself as better than the child -Runs the home with an iron hand; grants little freedom to the child Does this sound like you? “Let me know when you’ve brushed you teeth, and I’ll come in a tuck you in” Do you ask your children the facts about a situation and what they think about it before you jump to conclusions? Do you give them age-appropriate choices? D o you look out for their welfare, yet allow them to experience the consequences of their behaviors? An authoritative or responsible parent: -Gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him -Provides the child with decision-making opportunities -Develops consistent, loving discipline -Holds the child accountable -Lets reality be the teacher -Conveys respect, self-worth, and love to the child and therefore enhances the child’s self-esteem You as the parent are in the position to leave an indelible mark on your child. And you do it often without even being aware of it! The truth is, both extremes (permissive and authoritarian) will cause children to rebel. What a permissive parent, there are no guidelines, and children flounder. With the authoritarian parent, everything is heavy-handed. The wise parent finds middle ground! Put it into practice! Let’s say you are sitting down for dinner, and your child isn’t crazy about your food choice of pork chops. The permissive parent would say, “Oh, honey, do you want a cheeseburger instead? I’ll get up right now and make one for you!” The authoritarian parent would say “Eat it! Pork chops are good for you. And you better clean your plate.” The authoritative parent would say, “I know pork chops aren’t your favorite, but that’s what I made for dinner tonight. If you want to make yourself something else afterward, that’s fine. But thanks for sitting with us at dinner anyway. Dinner as a family is important” The authoritative parent is majoring on the relationship and minoring on everything else!

Tim’s head was pressed hard against a burning hot rock wall. It was so hot the skin on his check was sizzling. Gasping for breath behind the shemagh which barely kept out the blasting sand, Tim cried to God: “Please, God… Please stop this storm”. Tim’s company of Marines had been called to gather reconnaissance at a remote location near Fallujah, Iraq when they discovered an outpost that housed enemy ammunition stores. As ordered, they blew up the ammo cash and the outpost which housed it. However, they then found themselves without shelter when the worst storm in a century struck. It is now known by the natives as “The Churning” and “The Airing of Grievances”. Tim could not understand why God did not hear his pleas. He prayed and prayed, but the storm persisted. For three days the Marines were pinned down, barely surviving as the storm raged. Finally, on the morning of the third day, The Churning ceased. Tim and his company of soldiers were badly battered, but alive. They could not understand why God let them suffer in such a grueling matter. That is until Tim stood atop a remaining wall and discovered a mine field which had been uncovered. The storm had moved so much sand that the mines, IED’s, and explosive traps which the enemy had planted were now in plain sight. Tim gasped, and began shouting out to his company the location of the death traps. Despite our inability to comprehend God’s actions, He always has our good in mind. The Marines thought God turned a deaf ear to their suffering, when in fact He was saving their lives. Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9 “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14 When you Believe God, more than just believe in Him… But actually BELIEVE He is the Almighty God who breathes out stars, holds the Universe in His hand, and controls the very movement of each and every atom of your body… Then you will also believe that when you are pinned down by the Churnings of life, despite the moment’s sizzling pain and blistering sand, God is actually in the process of delivering you from unseen destruction. “Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us” Ephesians 3:20. “The eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His” 2 Chronicles 16:9 NASB.

Unfaithful pastors I’ve counseled have said things like, “The affair was like a run-away-train,” or “It’s like I was temporarily insane.” Even the pastors who are restored to God and their families take a circuitous route, taking jobs as teachers, train engineers, taxi cab drivers, car salesmen, and many other kinds of valuable jobs. But these circuitous routes aren’t refreshing springs for these pastors whose giftings lie in different areas, and other careers are endured as God’s discipline. We all reap what we sow, but pastors have an even greater accountability, as they are depended upon for inspiration and to model lives worthy of being imitated. Truly, as scripture says, “As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honor” (Ecclesiastes 10:1). When a pastor falls into sin, the ripple effect on the lives of others is often immeasurable. We know that adultery was one of the sins for which God had Eli’s sons killed. We know that King David paid serious “dues” for his immorality with Bathsheba. Other biblical characters were personally disciplined by God for the sin of adultery. Prophets have denounced adultery; and idolatry and sexual immorality were so intertwined in biblical times that each was a synonym for the other. And a ‘spiritual’ relationship with a member of the congregation that morphs into immorality is, perhaps, the grossest form of idolatry. How common is adultery among clerics? About 15 years ago I read an interesting study that concluded the following: 10% of all psychologists have had an affair with a client; and 30% of all pastors have had an affair with a member of the congregation. I think we can account for the difference between the 10% and the 30% in this way: Psychologists have to take a course in ethics, which includes teachings on how to draw boundaries with clients, how to seek counseling for themselves in order to understand their how to gain victory over personal flaws, how to avoid temptations in the office, how to make appropriate referrals, learning professional consequences of inappropriate behavior (losing one’s license), grasping the importance of “doing no harm” to a client, learning about the requirement to report another psychologist that you hear about that’s having an affair, and other important ethical and legal teachings. I’ve had two years of seminary and three years of Bible College, and I never took such a course. If seminaries and Bible Colleges presently provide such a course, I’m not aware of this. Also, pastors are frequently alone with women, alone in an office without a window, and sometimes even go to a woman’s house alone. Pastors are also “targets” for some women who idealize them, some of whom are extremely needy and flirtatious and who are sometimes mentally ill and without treatment. My father, a Methodist minister, was plagued by a mentally ill woman who thought that he was the Messiah. My father was able to refer her to a psychiatrist friend at Butler University. Of course, this didn’t stop her from visiting my father’s church when we moved from Indianapolis to Columbus, Ohio. I don’t know what became of her, but I remember that my father well documented all interactions and stayed far away from even the appearance of evil. Basically, many pastors are “sitting ducks.” Of course, their protection against immorality should be their deep and personal commitment to and relationship with Christ. How sad that this is not enough. Why isn’t it enough? Before answering these questions, let’s look at a few more statistics: I just read of four recent surveys of pastors (source is cited below). 14-18% of pastors admitted to an affair and an additional 18% admitted to an emotional affair. But because 14% of the pastors admitted that they lied on the survey, we can assume the rate of either physical or emotional infidelity among pastors is at about 40%. This is probably shocking to some of you. It was to me! What are the risk factors for pastoral infidelity? Not dealing with these factors explains why reliance on Christ isn’t enough. They aren’t relying on Christ with their whole beings, but with only the part that is capable of spiritual maturity. In the four recent surveys, three family risk factors emerged: Family history of infidelity Single parent/blended family history Physically abusive/chronically conflicted family history Such families usually have a lack of adequate nurturing and there are often attachment disturbances that need to be faced and resolved. Sex can become a great comfort to pastors who haven’t learned to receive nurturing from the right sources, or who haven’t resolved marital conflicts. Distance from a father can influence a son to “sexualize” his world, not having a close relationship with someone who models true masculinity. The world’s definition becomes all the more alluring: That “manhood” equals sexual appeal. Here are three high risk personal factors: Sexual molestation Adolescent promiscuity Learning disabilities/ADHD Such experiences or limitations often engender a focus on the pleasure of sexual gratification. Adolescents are often picked on because of their limitations and sexual gratification can become a copying mechanism. Also, most children who are sexually molested feel guilty. Hence, a negative self-image becomes something to be unconsciously reinforced. This is sometimes an “invisible loyalty” to the perpetrator who may have even threatened the one who was molested. Here are two high risk seasons of life: 1. Times of loss 2. Times of life transitions Whether it’s the loss of health, a spouse, a career a dream, a family member or even a pet, these losses create vulnerabilities to inappropriate comfort, including the attentions of others with whom alliances can be dangerous. The greatest risk factor may be the two years surrounding pregnancy and infancy of a child. At such times, there’s more focus on the baby, hormonal changes, and other changes, including restrictions on sexual activity. I’ve know people who have had an affair right after a loved one died. The vacuum in the heart can be so great, any pleasurable stimulation can be a source of craving and can be falsely justified. Finally, here are two high risk personal behaviors: Opposite sex friendships Conjoint volunteer activities In the cited studies, 50% of the pastors who were unfaithful said that they had a history of close relationships with members of the opposite sex. Temptations to talk about personal matters evolve, and exchanging details always breeds intimacy. When these interactions are kept secret from the pastor’s spouse, distance between the pastor and his wife sets in, and the pastor’s vulnerability increases. The researchers suggest that common ministry passions between the pastor and the affairee, which are not shared between the pastor and his/her spouse, is the biggest personal risk factor, after pregnancy. Younger pastors who never “sowed their wild oats” are the most vulnerable; more highly educated pastors are also more vulnerable, being more of a “target” for a parishioner, and perhaps developing more of a “gray area” between right and wrong. Also, keep in mind that, according to the researchers, pastors who struggle with immorality don’t generally attend conferences. Continual learning and fellowship with other pastors can be a big help in avoiding inappropriate or sinful relationships. Also, keep in mind that “sin doesn’t make sense,” and it doesn’t have to. Pastors should simply run from sin! I’ve been a Christian-based counselor for over 30 years, primarily serving in a large church or in a Christian-based counseling agency. As a young counselor, a seasoned pastor told me in his office something that he had observed throughout his whole life: People that fall into immorality are usually the most legalistic among us. Over the years of my career, I’ve noticed that this is true; and from a psychological perspective, this makes sense. When we focus on rules and regulations, rather than enjoying our life in Christ and following the “royal law of love,” we provide a “target rich environment” for attacks of the enemy. Therefore, the answer is to develop our relationship with the Lord through a proper understanding of the scriptures, the message of grace, and to maintain an atmosphere of grace in our homes with spouses and family members. We must seek out appropriate ways to stimulate our senses, living the “abundant life” that Christ wants His children to enjoy. These risk factors should not be used to rule out pastoral candidates. In the counseling profession, having faults is never a measure of risk; but rather insight into these faults is all important. When counselors – and pastors – understand their vulnerabilities, seek help, maintain openness and honesty with God and their spouses, these vulnerabilities can be managed and often eliminated. What to do? I would encourage all educators to include these issues in their courses on pastoral ethics, if they have such courses. If they don’t have such courses, they should create them. I would encourage pastors to simply be honest with God, themselves, and their spouses about their vulnerabilities and often seek counseling. Our senior pastor has an accountability partner that he meets with weekly. So an accountability partner can help greatly to eliminate this heinous sin that is afflicting those who should be the most influential leaders of our culture. To encourage us all, one of my favorite scriptures is that God works all things together for good to those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). The playwright, Edward Albee, said that “sometimes we have to go a long distance out of our way to go a short distance correctly.” Another clever and more profound way to express the same truth is echoed in a Portuguese proverb: “God draws straight with crooked lines.” One of our best biblical examples of this comes from the life of King David. His affair with Bathsheba was, indeed, a “crooked line” that led to much personal suffering and suffering by an untold number of family members and Israelites. Yet King Solomon was eventually born from that ungodly union, and Christ is descended from David and Bathsheba. God’s grace is always available to those who will humble themselves. Nevertheless, if we “discern what is best” (Philippians 1:10), it’s best to lead lives that continually glorify God. I’ve also counseled many pastors who were tempted, but wanted to solve their family and personal problems before they initiated an affair (people don’t “fall into” anything, not love, not affairs, not anything!). These pastors have been strong influences to advance the kingdom of God. Because God meets all of us right where we’re at and loves us unconditionally, may we all purpose to glorify him daily, whether through repentance and discipline, or through steadfast resistance of sin and temptation. I suggest that all of us continue personal discipleship and ministry that builds God’s kingdom here on earth. As the spires of great cathedrals point toward an infinite God, may our lives continually point toward our magnificent Creator. “High Risk Factors in Pastoral Infidelity,” by Carder, D., Christian Counseling Connection, 2007, Publication of the American Christian Counseling Association. In addition to the conclusions of the researchers who analyzed the four surveys, Dr. Weld added his own experiences, conclusions, and perspectives which are supportive of the points that the researchers have made.

As shoppers walked past, and Christmas music rang through the air, no one seemed to notice the man standing there. Why would they? He looked just like most of the folks out scrambling to get their shopping done before Christmas. Everyone had their mind focused on what they had to get done. Mr. Baker walked more slowly than the rest of the crowd as he began to make his way out of the mall. He only wanted to buy one gift, but he couldn’t even afford to do that. His face was forlorn and his head dropped as he sadly made his way out into the winter cold. His thin coat was not enough to keep out the raw winter chill of the wind that blew that day, but he didn’t feel it much for he already felt so cold on the inside; so much in despair. People brushed past him hurrying into the shopping plaza, and one lady almost knocked him over. “So sorry!” She exclaimed as she kept moving quickly toward the door. “Have a Merry Christmas!” He looked back at her with emptiness in his face. How did she miss it? It was a long walk around the corner and down several blocks before Mr. Baker arrived at his destination. The warm air hit him in the face as he stepped inside the sterile building. As he reached the main desk he heard his name. “Mr Baker…” “Yes?” he replied turning in the direction of the voice. “The doctor wants to see you.” Mr. Baker’s stomach turned over with fear as he followed the nurse down the long hall. “Dr. Monroe… how… how is she?” The doctor hesitated, “She is not doing well Mr. Baker. We’re very concerned but we want you to know we are doing everything we possibly can. She was already weak and the fever doesn’t want to break.” Mr. Baker put his head in his hands and began to weep. “Doc… she’s all I have… please… she’s so young…” The doctor put his hand on the man’s arm and said, “I know, and we promise we are doing everything. Try to get some rest.” Mr. Baker opened the door and peered in quietly. Her long blonde hair hung around her sweet face as she slept. Sweat dripped from her brow as the nurse mopped her forehead with a cool cloth. “Would you like a few minutes with her?” asked the nurse. “P..please.” he responded. He walked over and pushed back her soft hair and ran his hand across her forehead. A tear fell from his eyes and splashed on her cheek, and he wiped it away. He leaned over and gave her a kiss and said “God… what have I done? Why? First my wife, then my job, and now…. now… my sweet Carley. Lord… take me… NOT her!” With that, he gathered himself and left the room. It seemed like the hall was longer than before as he headed for the door. “I’ve got to do something.” He thought. “We have no place to stay, no food, and I don’t even have a simple Christmas gift for my girl.” He made his way back down the road and turned into the doorway of the bank. “Please let me see Mr. Manning.” He said to the lady at the desk. “I’m right here Doug.” Mr Manning was a tall dashing man, with gray at his sideburns and a dark blue suit. “Jack…. Carley is really sick. She’s in the hospital. I don’t know what to do. I’ve no job, and I can’t even get her a gift for Christmas. I….. I… don’t even know if she’s…” “Now stop there Doug. She is going to be okay. We won’t think otherwise.” Mr. Manning gave Doug Baker a light squeeze. “Now what can I do for you?” He continued. “Is there any way the bank can give me a small loan… just until I find work?” Doug had no where else to turn. “Doug you know we can’t give you any kind of loan without a work reference. I wish we could, but….” at that moment Doug interrupted, “Nevermind Jack. I know, I just hoped… maybe….” Doug turned and began to head for the door. “Doug…” Mr. Manning called to him, “Please let me know how Carley is. We will keep her in our prayers.” Doug nodded and headed back into the cold. It was bitter that day. The wind blew right through him as he pulled his coat more tightly around his body. He walked… and walked. His thoughts swirling in his head. Suddenly, he stopped. There he stood at the entrance to the cemetery. Had he walked there on purpose? He could see the big tree. There were icicles hanging from it’s branches and it looked like a fairyland! The light rain the evening before had created such a beautiful sight in a place that normally didn’t feel very beautiful to Mr. Baker. He walked to the tree and knelt down in front of the stone at its base. “MaryAnn….. what should I do?” He began to speak. He had never felt very adequate after she died. She was a great mom, and he…. he did not feel he had done a very good job of caring and providing for his young daughter. MaryAnn always prayed when there was a need. He, well, he didn’t feel so connected to God. “But what have I got left God!!!” Doug yelled as he clutched his hands to his chest. “I’ll pray.. if you want me to pray… I will pray. If you will restore my daughter’s health, then I’ll pray and I’ll pray and I’ll pray!” He dropped his head and began to pray…quietly at first… then louder. “God…. I don’t know how to do this, so I’m just gonna talk to you. God…. whatever I’ve done to deserve all this, I’m sorry. I don’t even know what it is. I’ve tried my best, but it’s not enough. Forgive me Lord…….. let your mercy shower my little girl. She is innocent; she has done nothing. She believes in You! “He stopped. Something in those words spoke to him. She believes in Him….. Carley believes in Him!! “Is that it God? Have I not believed?” Doug stood to his feet as if he had found new strength…. he walked toward the gate, then he started to run. A smile broke out on his face. “Okay God….. I believe!! I will believe in You. I will give you everything I have… or don’t have…. please…please be with me!!” He ran down the street and around the corner. The cold didn’t feel so cold anymore. Doug burst through the doors of the hospital panting. He came in so fast it startled the nurse at the desk. “Mr. Baker!” She said firmly, “Where have you been. Dr. Monroe was looking for you.” “Where is he?” Doug inquired. The nurse pointed as she continued to stare at Mr. Baker’s new found energy. Mr Baker made his way down the hall toward Carley’s room. As he entered, he heard a giggle. Both Dr. Monroe and Carley turned to look at Doug. “I’ve been trying to find you,” the doctor said. “Her fever has broken. She’s going to be fine with a few more days rest.” Doug raced to her bedside and held her tightly as he cried. “Daddy… why are you crying?” Carley asked. He looked into her deep blue eyes and said, “I was afraid I’d lose you too baby. I couldn’t bare it!” Carley looked up at him and said, “Dad… while I was sleeping, I saw you at the tree.” Doug looked surprised. “You what?” “I saw you at the tree.” She paused. “God was there too. He was standing behind you with His hand on your back.” Doug hugged his little girl. “He heard me didn’t he Carley?” “Daddy… God always hears us.” Doug gave his little girl a big hug and as he did the nurse came in. “Mr. Baker, this was just delivered. They said you requested it?” She handed Doug a large wrapped gift that said, “To Carley… Merry Christmas”. “Daddy how did you do this?” Carley’s eyes got big as silver dollars. Mr. Baker started, “well, I …uh… well….” Carley ripped the paper from the large box and opened it. Inside was a big, soft stuffed bear. It was almost as big as she was!” “I LOVE him daddy!!!” She hugged the big bear tightly and Doug was happier than he’d been in a very long time. But he had no idea who’d done such a kind thing. “Mr. Baker,” said the nurse. “We need to let Carley rest now. Doug gave his little girl a kiss and said “Rest, I will see you later.” She smiled as he left. As Doug walked down the street toward town he felt so warm on the inside. “Thank you God.” he said looking upward. He turned a corner and heard a voice. “Doug!” Doug wheeled around to see Jack Manning standing there. “Doug I’ve got something for you!” Jack made his way toward Doug. He took Doug’s hand and placed something in it. “What’s this?” Doug asked as he opened his hand to expose a single key. “My wife and I have a small place that we want you and Carley to use until you get back on your feet Doug. Consider it a Christmas gift if you will. We want to help.” Doug was stunned. “Jack, how can I ever….” “Don’t give it a second thought Doug. Here are directions…. oh and Mrs. Keeley wants to see you about a job on Monday.” Doug shook Jack’s hand. “Thank you so much Jack.” “Don’t mention it Doug.” Mr Manning turned to leave. Then he stopped and looked back. “Oh.. and how about if we pick you both up for church on Christmas? Would you like that?” Doug paused…”We’d love that Jack.” he said with a smile. Jack headed down the street. “Jack!” Doug gave a holler. Jack wheeled around to look at Doug. “Did you by any chance….” Jack smiled a big grin and said “Merry Christmas Doug. No child should not get a gift on Christmas.” With that, Jack pulled his coat tightly around his neck and disappeared around the corner. Doug tried to yell a big thanks but Jack was gone. As Doug walked down the street toward the little cafe to get a cup of coffee, he felt the warmth of love fill him from head to toe.”Thank you God,” he said quietly. “And thank you….. for your son.” Merry Christmas to all….. every one.

People deal with sexual abuse in different ways. One common method is denial or complete forgetfulness. The memories of the past are so traumatic or painful that a person can only continue to function by blocking the memories from the mind. Unfortunately, even though they’re blocked out, they’re really not gone. These memories must be dealt with in order for the person to be healed. Our enemy, Satan, will use these things which are buried deep in a person’s mind to make him or her feel rejected, worthless, unloved, and hopeless. The first step in being healed is to recognize that you were a victim. In no way were you responsible for what happened to you, regardless of your age when you were abused, who was involved in your abuse, what the person told you, or the circumstances surrounding your abuse. When you accept the fact that in no way did you cause the abuse, then you can refuse to accept the condemnation Satan tries to hold over you. The second step is to acknowledge that God did not want this abuse to occur. Although He could have stepped in and prevented it, He did not, because He gave each person a free will to choose righteousness or to choose sin. When a person chooses sin, innocent people suffer. God grieves over man’s sin and His heart is compassionate toward the hurting. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” We have mentioned how some people deal with the memories by suppression. At some point in a person’s life these memories surface. This is God’s way of saying, “Now is the time I have ordained for you to deal with your past.” Trying to suppress these memories will only make the healing process more difficult and take longer. God wants us to experience the abundant life that Jesus promises in John 10:10. Some people are more aware of their emotional wounds than others, but all who have been victims of sexual abuse suffer to some degree. God sees our emotional wounds just as much as He sees our physical wounds. Like a splinter which must be dug out in order to prevent infection, so abuse must be dealt with in order for healing to take place. Physical pain is involved in digging out the splinter, just as emotional pain is involved in dealing with abuse, and dealing with it God’s way ultimately brings healing. God has many ways He can heal—through His Word, Christian books and music, prayer, praise, Scripture meditation, and even tears. He may lead you to share your memories with someone–either a professional Christian counselor or another trusted Christian friend, mentor, pastor or teacher. As much as you may want to be healed of your memories, recognize that Jesus wants it even more. He said that He came to bind up those who are bruised (Luke 4:18). I hope you’re spending time each day reading your Bible and praying. Doing these things can draw you close to the Lord, causing you to trust and love Him more as you understand His ways. The Word of God is powerful in bringing about changes in our lives. Psalm 107:20 says that God sent forth His Word and healed them. The written Word is the Bible, and the living Word is Jesus. As you spend time each day reading the Bible and praying, you are drawing upon a very real source of strength, both the written and living Word. Forgiveness is a very important principle in the Christian walk. Carrying unforgiveness can cause a real blockage in your relationship with the Lord. Do you feel that you have forgiven the person or persons who caused your pain? Forgiveness is not easy, but it is possible in the Lord’s strength. We forgive, not because we feel like it, but because it is commanded in the Bible. If we do not forgive others of their sins, then God does not forgive us of ours, according to Matthew 6:15. Ask the Lord to give you His strength and grace to forgive those whom He places on your heart, and be obedient to follow His leading. You can walk in confidence with God. You can lead a full and victorious life, emotionally whole and healthy. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus came to give us an abundant life. The power of God is greater than the power of the enemy (1 John 4:4). God is able to do more than you could possibly imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Trust in and lean on His Word. The Lord loves you very, very much, and He is able! If you have prayed and feel led of the Lord to seek professional Christian counseling, we encourage you to seek someone who has experience in dealing with victims of sexual abuse. If you do not know of a Christian counselor in your area, you may want to find a name through the following link for the American Association of Christian Counselors. Please know that we are not personally familiar with these counselors, so we cannot give personal recommendations for individual counselors. http://www.aacc.net http://www.josh.org . Used by permission.

What does it mean to be an extravagant worshipper? Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines the word extravagant as “2a: exceeding the limits of reason b: lacking in moderation, balance and restraint, praise) c: extremely or excessively elaborate 3a: spending much more than necessary b: profuse, lavish.” The Holy Spirit is calling us to excessive worship. We’re to be overgenerous in our praises to God. Extravagant worship means to be elaborate in our offering of admiration to Him; our worship is to be over and above reasonable limits previously established. The cause of Christ pumping away in our veins should cause extraordinary praise to the Father . I long to worship Jesus as did the woman with the alabaster jar of perfume! Excessive, abundant, expensive, superfluous lavish, costly, rich, priceless, valuable… Jesus knew the woman who anointed Him with her precious perfume fully understood that she had been forgiven for terrible sins. Jesus explained this love she had for Him to Simon, telling him a parable about two servants who were forgiven for debts by their Master. One owed him a little; the other owed him much. Jesus continued the story: “Two men were in debt to a banker. One owed five hundred silver pieces, the other fifty. Neither of them could pay up, and so the banker canceled both debts. Which of the two would be more grateful?” 43-47 Simon answered, “I suppose the one who was forgiven the most.” “That’s right,” said Jesus. Then turning to the woman, but speaking to Simon, he said, “Do you see this woman? I came to your home; you provided no water for my feet, but she rained tears on my feet and dried them with her hair. You gave me no greeting, but from the time I arrived she hasn’t quit kissing my feet. You provided nothing for freshening up, but she has soothed my feet with perfume. Impressive, isn’t it? She was forgiven many, many sins, and so she is very, very grateful. If the forgiveness is minimal, the gratitude is minimal.” 48 Then he spoke to her: “I forgive your sins.” 49 That set the dinner guests talking behind his back: “Who does he think he is, forgiving sins!” 50 He ignored them and said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.” Lk. 7:41-50 The Message When we stand before the Lord to worship Him, we are to worship Him in truth. To do so, we must ask ourselves: 1.“How big are the debts Jesus canceled for me? 2. “How generous was He toward me when considering the pain my sins inflicted upon Him?” 3. “How much thanks do I owe Him for canceling the consequences of my past?” 4. “Am I overgenerous with my worship? Do I exceed reasonable limits when praising Him? Or am I merely doing what is required, merely fulfilling the basic level of commitment? 5. “Am I simply trying to earn my right of passage (into heaven)?” If our worship is spiritual and truthful, we will search our souls and appraise the value we place on His love for us. What can we bring to the altar that represents such extravagance? I have had the honor of meeting some extravagant worshipers during my lifetime: Among them is a young couple in our church who lost their young daughter through sickness, yet they worshiped their King through overwhelming grief and are still doing so today . A young man who was left paralyzed from his waist down through an accident was quickly back in our church services. With tears running down his face, his arms stretched heavenward, and his heart loving Jesus, he worshiped His Savior with extravagant thanksgiving. The Oxford English Dictionary describes extravagant as “wasteful.” This word is particularly grabbed my attention, for one of the most beautiful accounts of extravagant worship in the Bible is this story of how the gift of perfume from the sinful woman was considered “wasteful” by those around her. But as she poured out her costly perfume from the alabaster jar, she must have wished she had even more to give Him. As she poured out her tears in offering, He washed away her brokenness. As she loved extravagantly, He forgave extravagantly. The woman’s demonstration of elaborate love toward her Lord is a powerful example of true, heartfelt worship. Her act of worship had nothing to do with music or song, but it had all to do with being extravagant in devotion to her Savior. Darlene Zschech. Extravagant Worship . Bloomington, Illinois: Bethany House Publishers, 2002, p. 5. www.darlenezschech.com . Used by permission.

Share 0 Since it is virtually impossible to identify and erase all of the misleading information in our mental computers, the only way to change our thinking habits is to input new information. Unless we change what we know, we will continue to believe, decide, and act in a manner that is contrary to our best interests” (The Five Major Pieces to the Life Puzzle, by Jim Rohn). This theory is similar to the “black box theory.” Picture how complicated some of our technological gadgets have become. Technology is now so complicated that when our toys of wizardry break (e.g., a cell phone, an airplane instrument, computers, even a television set), sometimes it’s almost impossible to fix them. However, we can introduce new information into these “black boxes” that WILL fix them (Generation to Generation, by Edwin Friedman)! When people can’t fix what’s broken in their relationships, the same principles apply. There are a plethora of communication skills that can bring healing to any relationship. Yet many people – and many couples – are unable to use these skills. However, if kindness and comfort are introduced into the dysfunctional relationship system, problems are solved and communication automatically improves! When someone has an imbalance in their protein-based neurotransmitters, then introducing the right medication can eliminate or help to manage difficult problems such as panic disorders, obsessions and compulsions, bipolar disorders, anxiety and depression, and many other problems that either are certainly or may be chemically based. New information is simply plugged into the “black box” of the body organ that we call our “brain.” Just as many medications heal all kinds of physical disorders, psychotropic medications often fix problems that are based in imbalances in our brain chemistry. In relationships, when communication skills don’t seem to help people fix the “black box,” then meeting intimacy needs such as attention, affection, appreciation, and respect often bring healing. When such needs are met, the relationship often starts to function in a healthy way! The same is true of an individual. If underlying assumptions about self, others, the world, and the future cannot be discovered, e.g., such dysfunctional assumptions as “Men cannot be trusted,” “Everyone must love me,” or “If I don’t succeed, I am a loser,” and if new and rational decisions are just too hard to make, then people often simply need to meditate on truth. Meditating and acting on the truth brings changes in the human soul and psyche (and brain!). Perhaps, all we will ever discover is that somewhere inside of us are assumptions that enabled our survival at the time, but that as adults, don’t work anymore. But new decisions and new thinking can fix the black box! Personally, I “re-tread my head” with God’s word. I program my mind with “wholesome thinking” such as thoughts that are “true, honorable, and just.” Also, I try to be proactively kind to people. All of these are scriptural principles guaranteed to bring positive changes in ourselves and in our relationships. When we give our life to Christ, he assists us in changing us from the inside out. We partner with God by believing and confessing the truthful statements of God’s word. We know that as with many people in the Bible, God gives us a new identity when we submit our lives to Christ. God didn’t send Christ to make us “better,” but to make us NEW! We’re new creations in Christ! Our personal “black box” is often simply fixed through faith in this fact and in living it out every day! When I “walk” (act and believe) in this newness of life by trusting God and by re-treading my head with the truth, I am changed – even when I’m not sure about what the underlying problems are – whether in a relationship or in myself. I simply introduce new information into the black box and put my full trust in God to change me from the inside out. Of course, God never fails!!! When we plug ourselves into the mysteries of life, these mysteries are often made known to us.

Josh McDowell, renowned Bible teacher, apologist and author, posted some absolutely fascinating research on his site. Teen depression and STD’s are of epidemic proportions, and as parents, teachers and concerned Christians, we must persistently and passionately promote sexual purity: “Dr. Meeker, author of the new book ‘Epidemic’: ‘In 2003 we are living in the midst of a public health epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases amongst 12- to 18-year-old children, and an epidemic of depression related to much of the promiscuous sexual activity amongst our youth.’” “‘What I have seen in my beautiful quiet and suburban northern Michigan practice is occurring nationwide, and when I turned to the medical literature two years ago to see if what I was experiencing was unique I found that the Center for Disease Control talks about the hidden epidemic of 15 million Americans getting a new sexually transmitted disease every year and two thirds of them being in people under 25, my patients, your children, the kids on your kids’ basketball teams and soccer teams and ballet recitals.’” “According to the New England Journal of Medicine, one in five Americans 12 years and older test positive for genital herpes.” “Forty-six percent of young teen-age girls after just one episode of intercourse contracts human papilloma virus (HPV), and 14 percent of them will go on to develop signs of cervical cancer, and more women’s lives are given over to cervical cancer every year than to HIV and AIDS.” “This, she warns ‘is not a time for mothers and fathers and doctors and teachers and politicians to be silent about the sanctity of the life of our teen-agers.’” “What has been our answer to this out-of-control scourge, she asked. Condoms. ‘We have taught 14-, 13-, 12-year-old kids to put condoms on bananas. We have done this for 15 or 20 years.’” “In 1960 there were just two sexually transmitted diseases, syphilis and gonorrhea. After 20 years of teaching our kids how to use condoms, we now boast 30 or more sexually transmitted diseases among 12- to 18-year-old children. Condoms have failed as an answer.” “‘A little over a year ago the National Institutes for Health reviewed all the best condom literature available in the world. They found that condoms, if used 100 percent of the time correctly, may reduce the risk of HIV by 87 percent in men and women, and it may reduce the risk of gonorrhea in men, but for all of the other sexually transmitted diseases which infect beautiful heterosexual children across the country there is insufficient evidence that condoms work at all.’” “‘Yet we are still teaching condoms and more condoms in our schools. As a physician I consider it malpractice to hand one of my patients a condom and tell them that they will be safe when the NIH doesn’t say so.’” “‘We have the answer. It is abstinence education. Many opponents of abstinence say it doesn’t work—it does work—all the time. The kids are willing to learn it. Are we willing to teach it?’” “Sex among girls is leading to an epidemic of cancer, she revealed. ‘The 14-, 15-year-old girl’s cervix cannot handle bacteria and viruses. They flourish and turn into cancer much more quickly than in a 25-year-old.’” “All of this promiscuous sexual activity among youngsters is having another deadly effect: serious depression and sometimes suicide.” “‘We are living in an epidemic of depression, where one out of three American teen-agers have thought of killing themselves, much of this related to sexual activity.’” “‘Are we willing to tell teen-agers that sexual health trumps sexual freedom?’ she asked, adding that we’d better be.” (Brenna, Phil, “Doctor: Teen Sex Is Killing Our Children,” NewsMax.com, February 3, 2003, www.newsmax.com/ http://www.josh.org . Used by permission.

Our churches can create a “male-friendly” atmosphere that will reach men for Christ. Here are a number of suggestions to draw them in! Front door experience: Maintain your buildings and grounds Put men in the parking lot One layer of greeters (don’t be too friendly) Lots of signs so men don’t have to ask directions Worship service: Keep the focus on God – not the family Minimize dead time between elements Do something unexpected Add humor or something fun Good lighting and sound so people can easily see and hear Décor: Remove the “old lady” stuff: quilts, felt banners, needlepoint, etc. Remove lace and flowers from communion table. Remove bulletin boards and “kindergarten classroom” collages from interior walls Decide if religious symbols in the sanctuary help or hinder Colors: choose earth tones and colors of the field. Give men space: Do not ask the congregation to hold hands Do not ask everyone to hug everyone else Discourage “prayer mushrooms” Prayer: Keep pastoral prayers short Avoid showy “prayer-speak” when praying in church Avoid “vain repetitions” in public prayers Offer prayer after the service instead of prayer-and-share Music: Quality is vital. Don’t attempt more than your musicians can deliver. Choose songs that convey respect to God Avoid wimpy “love songs to Jesus” Avoid more than 3 repeats of any chorus Select a key the baritones can sing Help the worship leader “man-up” A pastor who relates well to men will: Talk like a regular guy (avoid “preacher-speak”) Do man stuff and talk about it during the message Choose metaphors and stories men can relate to Be firm but gracious on theology and moral issues Be judicious about emotive displays Teaching: Shorter is almost always better. Say it and be done. Share personal stories of your struggles as a man Avoid feminine metaphors (such as “fall in love with Jesus”) Avoid “preacher-speak” Build sermon around great illustrations Use visual aids Use video clips to illustrate Use an object lesson to illustrate Call men forward for a 3-minute “men’s huddle” at the end of the service Honor men’s time: Start and end the service on time If something goes long, cut something else on the fly For services more than 90 minutes, offer an intermission or an opportunity to “get-up-and-go” so men don’t feel trapped Sunday school: Bury the name “Sunday school” Abandon the classroom method in favor of a more kinetic one Place boys with male teachers Don’t ask boys to read aloud Use a boy-friendly curriculum with hands-on learning Use professionally produced videos to help teach spiritual truths

“Why Care About Sexual Activity Among Young Teenagers?” Warning: The Information in this article is graphic in nature and is appropriate only for adults, especially pastors, parents and youth leaders. “While the proportion of unmarried teen girls age 15-19 who have had sexual intercourse decreased between 1988 and 1995, the proportion of unmarried teen girls who have had sexual intercourse at 14 and younger increased appreciably during the same time period (Terry & Manlove, 2000).” “A recent national survey found that the younger a girl was the first time she had sex, the more likely it was to have been unwanted (Moore, Driscoll, & Lindberg, 1998).” “A 2002 public opinion poll found that 81% of sexually experienced youth age 12-14 wish they had waited longer to have sex, compared to 55% of sexually experienced 15- to 19-year-olds (The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, 2002).” “Based on data collected (1996-1997) in seven cities as part of an evaluation of the Children’s Aid Society (CAS)-Carrera program. It is one of the few surveys that have asked youth in this age group about or anal sex. Such data are important because there is some concern – and some evidence – that adolescents are increasingly engaged in such behaviors (Remez, 2000).” “Nearly one in five adolescents has had sex before his or her 15th birthday.” “The National Picture” “Estimates from the three nationally representative data sets of the proportion of youth who have had sex at age 14 or younger are remarkably similar. Overall, these data indicate that 18-19% of youth have had sexual intercourse at age 14 or younger. Percentages increase with age – at age 12, 4-5% have had sex, increasing to 10% at age 13, and 18-19% at age 14. Boys are more likely than girls to have had sex at an early age. At age 12, 2-4% of girls and 6-8% of boys were sexually experienced. At age 14, 14-20% of girls and 20-22% of boys were sexually experienced.” “Results in a Box” “Sexual Experience” “Approximately one in five adolescents has had sexual intercourse before his or her 15th birthday.” “Boys age 14 and younger are slightly more likely to have had sex than girls the same age.” “Frequency of Sex” “A substantial proportion of teens age 14 and younger who have had sex are not currently sexually active.” “According to one of the national surveys (NLSY), approximately half of sexually experienced 14-year-olds have had sex 0-2 times in the past 12 months.” “Pregnancy” “Approximately one in seven sexually experienced 14-year-old girls reports having been pregnant.” “Dating” “A significant proportion of those age 12-14 report having been on a date (two-fifths in the NLSY survey) or having a romantic relationship in the past 18 months (half in Add Health). “Significant minorities of youth age 14 and under report a romantic relationship with someone three or more years older (girls far more than boys).” “Relationships with a significantly older partner – compared with those with someone only slightly older, the same age, or younger – are much more likely to be sexual.” “Pressure” “More than one in ten girls who first have had sex before age 15 describe it as non-voluntary and many more describe it as relatively unwanted.” “Other Risky Behavior” “Sexually experienced youth age 14 and younger are much more likely to smoke, use drugs and alcohol, and participate in delinquent activities than youth who have not had sex.” “Parents” “In general, parents report talking a moderate amount with their children age 12-14 about sex and related issues, although their children recall less communication than the parents claim.” “Parents are more likely to have spoken with their daughters than with their sons about sex and related issues.” “Parents tend to be unaware of what their children are actually doing sexually – only about a third of parents of sexually experienced 14-year-olds know that their child has had sex.” “Romantic relationship with older partners were much more likely to include intercourse – 13% of relationships between same age partners included intercourse, compared to 26% of relationships with a partner who was 2 years older, 33% of relationships with a partner who was 3 years older, and 47% of relationships with a partner who was 4 or more years older. In the NSFG, only 8% of girls who first had voluntary sex at age 14 or younger did so with a partner who was the same age or younger, compared to 24% of girls who first had sex at age 15 or older. One in six girls who had voluntary sex at age 14 or younger reported that her first partner was 5 or more years older.” “Add Health also makes clear that, overall, the romantic relationships of young adolescents are of relatively short duration. For example, 25% of relationships among youth age 12-14 ended after 3 months, 50% ended after 6 months, and 75% ended after 15 months. On the other hand, sexual romantic relationships in this age group tended to be of longer durations than non-sexual ones; a quarter lasted two years or longer. Over a quarter of sexually experienced youth age 12-14 (27%) also reported multiple recent sexual partners in the past 18 months, which implies, among other things, an increased risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).” “Additional Information from Local Data” “Among 14-year-olds, 30% of girls and 73% of boys whose oldest ‘serious boyfriend or girlfriend’ was 2 or more years older were sexually experienced, compared to 13% of girls and 29% of guys whole oldest partner was no more than one year older.” “Many young adolescents experience pressure to have sex.” “Thirteen percent of girls in the NSFG who first had sex at age 14 or younger described it as nonvoluntary, clearly a cause for concern. Even among those who classified their first sexual experience as voluntary, girls who had sex at age 14 or younger were significantly more likely to say that it was relatively unwanted, compared to girls who had sex for the first time at age 15 or older.” “Additional Information from Local Data” “The questions in Draw the Line about the acceptability of sexual pressure found that a substantial proportion of youth feel it’s ‘okay’ for someone to pressure a partner for sex if the couple has had sex before. Boys were much more likely to think so than girls: for example, 34% of boys thought it would be okay for a boy to pressure a girl to have sex if they had had sex before, while only 14% of girls thought that such pressure would be okay. Boys were more likely to agree that it is okay for a girl to pressure for sex than for a boy to pressure (34% agreed that it is okay for boys to pressure vs. 42% who agreed that it is okay for girls to pressure). Girls, on the other hand, were equally as likely to agree that either boys or girls can pressure a partner for sex (14% said it is okay for boys to pressure and 15% said it is okay for girls to pressure).” “Sexually experienced young adolescents are also engaging in other risky behavior.” “Seven percent of youth used alcohol the first time they had sex, and 6% used alcohol the most recent time they had sex.” “17% of girls and 11% of boys age 14 and younger said that, because of alcohol, they had been in a sexual situation they later regretted.” “These data sets do no shed much light on the extent to which young adolescents are engaging in oral sex and other sexual behavior.” “The National Picture” “In the Add Health survey, 12% of virgins age 12-14 reported that a relationship in the past 18 months included ‘touching under clothes,’ and 6% of virgins age 12-14 reported that touching genital occurred within at least one of their recent romantic relationships. But neither Add Health nor the other two nationally representative surveys included questions specifically asking youth age 14 and under about oral and anal sex.” “Numerous recent media reports have suggested that teens – including young adolescents – are increasingly having oral and/or anal sex, perhaps as a substitute for vaginal intercourse.” “Young adolescents don’t seem to know a lot about sex.” “Additional Information from Local Data” “The Draw the Line survey confirmed that young teens are often poorly informed about sex. For example, about half of 14-year-olds (boys and girls) believed it is illegal for youth under 16 to buy condoms (it is not). About 20% of youth age 12-14 erroneously believed that ‘you could tell if a person has HIV/AIDS by looking at him/her.’ Nearly four out of ten (39%) 14-year-old boys and half (51%) of 14-year-old girls agreed with the statement, ‘most teens your age are having sex,’ even though, as noted earlier, only a minority are.” “Parents and youth give mixed reports about family communication about sex, and seem to have misperceptions about each other’s attitudes and behaviors.” “The National Picture” “Parents in the Add Health survey generally rejected numerous reasons thought to explain why they might not speak with their child about sex, such as feeling that they don’t know enough, that the child would be embarrassed, that it would only encourage the child to have sex, or that parents don’t need to talk to their children because the children will get the information they need elsewhere.” “Parents surveyed by Add Health also tended to be unaware of what their children were actually doing sexually – only 30% of the parents of sexually experienced 14-year-olds believed their child had had sexual intercourse. This percentage was slightly higher for parents of girls (36%) than it was for parents of boys (25%).” “One local data set suggests that many young adolescents have ample opportunities to have sex, and many report willingness to have sex.” “A third of 12-year-olds reported that they had attended a party in the previous three months where no adults were in the house. By age 14, this percentage increased to 51% of boys and 42% for girls. Thirty-eight percent of 14-year-old boys and 30% of 14-year-olds girls said that in the past three months they had been alone lying on a couch or bed with ‘someone they liked.’” “Many boys, and some girls, in the Draw the Line data set expressed interest in having sex ‘at this time in their lives.’ The proportion of boys who said they would have sex with someone they like very much if they had the opportunity increased from 19% at age 12 to 42% at age 14 (comparable statistics for girls were 5% at age 12 and 8% at age 14). Thirty-six percent of 14-year-old boys and 18% of 14-year-old girls said they would consider having sex if they had a boyfriend or girlfriend they loved. About one-third of 14-year-old boys said they would have sex because of curiosity and an equal proportion said they would do so to ‘satisfy my sexual desires.’ Of those girls who would have sex if the opportunity arose, the top tree reasons (of seven offered) that they would consider having sex were similar to the boys – 18% would do so with a boyfriend they loved, 12% would do so to satisfy curiosity, and 12% would do so because of sexual desire.” “Significant proportions of youth surveyed as part of the Draw the Line/Respect the Line evaluation perceived that people in their lives would be accepting, if not approving, of their having sex. Half of boys and a third of girls age 14 said that the majority of their friends think it’s acceptable for people their age to have sex with a serious boyfriend or girlfriend. About half of 14-year-olds (boys and girls) agreed that boys are more popular if they have sex; 36% of boys and 20% or girls age 14 thought that girls are also more popular if they have sex. Virtually no girls thought their parents would approved of them having sex at this time in their lives, but by age 14, 21% of boys thought their fathers would think it was okay and 15% thought that their mothers would think it was okay.” “Implications” “There is good reason to be concerned about youth who begin having sex at an early age. Youth who have sex at an early age seem to be different from those who do not, both in their sexual behavior and in other areas as well. Early first sexual experiences for girls are more likely to be unwanted, compared to girls who have sex at age 15 or older, and these first sexual relationships end more quickly. Youth age 14 and younger who are sexually experienced are much more likely than peers who have not had sex to use drugs and alcohol and to engage in delinquent behavior; that is, such behaviors often occur together. Over the longer term, girls who begin having sex at age 14 or younger will likely have more sexual partners and an increased ris of teen pregnancy, contracting an STD, and dropping out of school. Although early sexual activity in and of itself may not ‘cause’ these outcomes, it does appear to be an early and important warning sign of risk.” “Parents should be concerned about their young teenagers dating, in general, and very cautious about letting their children date someone much older, in particular. One of the most striking and clear findings from this collected research is the great risk inherent in young teens dating older partners. Parents clearly need to discourage early dating, in general, as well as dating older partners specifically, both of which greatly increase the chances of having sex. Although most sexual activity among young teens is voluntary, there is evidence from small area studies that some young teens, like older teens, can get into situations where they feel sexual pressure or coercion. By virtue of their young age, however, they may be less able to handle these situations effectively than older teens. Such data suggest that teaching middle school youth about how to resist and manage sexual pressure is appropriate. Another clear message is that supervising the social behavior of young teens remains important. Parents and other responsible adults need to know where their children are, what they are doing, and with whom. As noted earlier, one small area study found that fully one-third of 12-year-olds and almost half of 14-year-olds (51% of boys and 42% of girls) report that they have been at a party where there were no adults in the house.” “It’s important to add that simple communication between parents and children about sex does not necessarily reduce the chances of early sexual activity. For example, recent research has highlighted the importance of overall closeness between parents and teens, more than specific discussion of sex, as being especially protective (Blum, 2002).” “PART ONE: PAPERS FROM NATIONALLY REPRESENTATIVE DATA SETS” “CHAPTER ONE: DATING AND SEXUAL EXPERIENCES AMONG MIDDLE SCHOOL YOUTH: ANALYSES OF THE NLSY97” “What is typical dating behavior among early adolescents?” “Forty-two percent of teens reported that they had ever gone on an unsupervised date with a person of the opposite sex at the time of the 1997 survey.” “Black youth were the least likely to report having ever dated (34% compared with 41-44% for other racial/ethnic groups). Non-Hispanic Whites who had ever dated were more likely to date relatively frequently – 28% dated once a month or more, compared to 22% of Blacks and 18% of Hispanics. However, age at first date did not differ significantly by race/ethnicity.” “What proportion of 12-14-year-olds had sex before age 15?” “Among adolescents whose mothers had higher educational attainment (defined as greater than high school), 15% had sexual intercourse before age 15, compared with 24% of adolescents whose mothers completed only a high school education or less.” “Among boys with mothers who had a high school education or less, Black males were most likely to be sexually experienced before age 15 (50%), followed by Hispanic males (29%), and Non-Hispanic White males (22%).” “CHAPTER TWO: DATING BEHAVIOR AND SEXUAL ACTIVITY OF YOUNG ADOLESCENTS: ANALYSES OF THE NATIONAL LONGITUDINAL STUDY OF ADOLESCENT HEALTH” “Sexual experience, contraceptive use, and pregnancy – this survey finds that:” “20% of boys, 14% of girls, and 18% of the entire sample report that they became sexually experienced at age 14 or younger.” “60% of boys, 54% of girls, and 57% of the entire sample of 12-14-year-olds reported that they used contraception at first sex.” “9% of sexually experienced girls under 15 reported having been pregnant.” “What is typical dating behavior among young adolescents?” “Overall, about half of the teens in this age group reported a dating relationship (romantic or casual) in the 18 months preceding the first round of in-home interviews. The proportion increased with age. At age 12, 39% of teens reported such a relationship, increasing to 56% at age 14. Girls were less likely to report such a relationship than boys, especially at younger ages; at age 12, 46% of boys but only 35% of girls reported a dating relationship. By age 14, boys and girls were equally likely to do so (56%). Virgins were somewhat less likely to report a relationship (44%). Differences between virgins and sexually experienced teens in a dating experience were more pronounced among boys – only 40% of male virgins reported a dating relationship at age 12, compared to 46% of all males. The difference was smaller for girls (32% compared to 35% at age 12).” “The greater the age difference between the partners, the more likely that sex occurred in the relationship. Only 13% of relationships between same-age partners were sexual. By contrast, 26% of the relationships in which an adolescent’s partner was 2 years older were sexual. The proportion increased to 33% for partners who were 3 years older. Where partners of young adolescents were 4 or more years older, almost half of all relationships were sexual.” “What proportion of 12- to 14-year-olds have had sex?” “Overall, 18% of adolescents reported having had sex at age 14 or younger, boys (at 20%) somewhat more than girls (at 14%). Sexual experience increased with age: 14-year-old boys were more than twice as likely to be sexually experienced as 12-year-old boys (8% compared to 20%); 14-year-old girls were seven times more likely to be sexually experienced as 12-year-old girls (14% compared to 2%). At age 12, boys were four times more likely to report intercourse than girls (8% compared to 2%). After age 13, though, girls began to catch up with the behavior of boys their same age.” “One third (34%) of Black adolescents age 12-14 were sexually experienced, compared to 14% of Whites the same age. Black males were three times more likely to be sexually experienced than White males (45% compared to 15%). Nineteen percent of all Hispanics 12-14 reported that they had had sex and 9% of Asian teens (boys and girls) reported sexual experience in this age group. “CHAPTER THREE: SEXUAL ACTIVITY AMONG GIRLS UNDER AGE 15: FINDINGS FROM THE NATIONAL SURVEY OF FAMILY GROWTH” “Sexual experience, contraceptive use, and pregnancy – this study finds:” “20% of girls report that they became sexually experienced at age 14 or younger.” “72% of girls who had voluntary sex at age 14 or younger report that they used contraceptives at first sex.” “15% of girls who had voluntary sex at age 14 or younger report being pregnant before turning 15.” “How common is sexual activity among girls age 14 and younger?” “One in five teen girls (20%) report having had sex at age 14 or younger. Of those who first had sex at age 14 or younger, about half did so when 14 years old, the other half when 13 or younger.” “Among the three largest racial/ethnic groups, sex at age 14 or younger is most common among non-Hispanic Black adolescents (31%) and least common among non-Hispanic White adolescents (17%). Twenty four percent of Hispanics report having sex at age 14 or younger.” “What adverse outcomes are associated with becoming sexually active at an early age?” “First, teens who have sex at an early age are significantly more likely to have reported ever being pregnant (41%) or to have given birth by the time of the NSFG interview (21%), compared to teens who have sex at an older age (27% and 14%, respectively. It is not clear, however, whether having sex at an early age in and of itself increases the risk of teen pregnancy or if the two outcomes are correlated because early sex and early pregnancy are both influenced by the same underlying risk factors, perhaps family dysfunction or a propensity to choose ‘risky’ romantic partners.” “Girls whose first voluntary sex was at 14 or younger had more lifetime sexual partners, on average, than girls whose first voluntary sex was at age 15 or older (4.7 versus 2.5 ), were less likely to have had only one partner (20% versus 46%) and more likely to have had between 3 and 5 partners (36% versus 21%) or 6 or more partners (25% versus 9%). Because the two groups of teens had the same average number of partners per year of sexual activity (1.3), it appears that the increased average number of lifetime sexual partners lies solely in beginning sexual activity at an early age.” “Finally, girls who had first sex at age 14 or younger had worse educational outcomes by the time of the interview. They were twice as likely to have dropped out of school – 20% of girls whose first voluntary sex was before age 15 had dropped out of school by the interview, versus 10% of girls who had sex for the first time at age 15 or older.” “PART TWO: PAPERS FROM SMALL AREA DATA SETS” “CHAPTER FOUR: THE DEVELOPMENT OF SEX-RELATED KNOWLEDGE, ATTITUDES, PERCEIVED NORMS, AND BEHAVIORS IN A LONGITUDINAL COHORT OF MIDDLE SCHOOL CHILDREN” “What do youth believe their peers are doing?” “Nearly half of the 14-year-old boys and three-fourths of the 14-year-old girls thought that most teen who have sex wish they had waited until they were older.” “What reasons do youth endorse for not having sex?” “Given that youth seem to have opportunities that could lead to sex, it is important to assess what might stop them from having sex. Students were given a list of reasons for not having sex and asked to respond whether each reason was true for them or not. Fewer boys than girls endorsed each reason regardless of their age, but ‘not wanting to get AIDS or other diseases you can get from sex’ remained the most commonly noted reason for most youth across all ages. Other major reasons included: not wanting a baby, parental anger, and being too young to have sex.” “As boys grew older, not wanting to get diseases, not wanting a baby, parental anger, and being too young to have sex remained the primary reasons for not having sex. However, by age 14, disease and pregnancy prevention seemed the most important, while less than two-thirds were concerned about parental anger and less than half believed they were too young to have sex.” “Girls showed a similar pattern in terms of the most important reasons not to have sex, but in higher proportion. Nearly nine out of every ten 12-year-old girls selected: not wanting to get AIDS or other diseases, not wanting a baby, parental anger and being too young as reasons not to have sex.” “By age 14, 94% of girls reported not wanting to get sexually transmitted diseases and 93% reported not wanting a baby as reasons for not having sex. Parental anger (77%) and being too young (72%) also continued to be important reasons not to have sex as girls aged.” “What reasons do youth say motivate them to have sex?” “The top three reasons that most motivated youth to have sex were love, curiosity, and desire.” “Reasons to have sex, particularly among boys, included curiosity, love, and desire.” “CHAPTER FIVE: YOUTH WITH OLDER BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS: ASSOCIATIONS WITH SEXUAL RISK” “Are youth with an older boyfriend or girlfriend more likely to ever have had sex?” “More than 40% of 13-year-old boys and 70% of 14-year-old boys with a girlfriend two or more years older reported being sexually experienced, compared to less than 18% of 13-year-olds and 29% of 14-year-olds with a same-age girlfriend. Among 14-year-old boys, those with older girlfriends were more than 14 times more likely to have had sex than those boys with no girlfriend. The same pattern holds for girls: One-fifth to one-third of girls 12-14 year old with an older boyfriend reported having had sex, compared to 6% to 13% of girls with a ‘same age’ boyfriend. For each age group, girls with older boyfriends were roughly ten times more likely to have had sex than girls with no boyfriend. Although boys are less likely to have an older partner than girls, if they do, they are more likely to have had sex.” “Why are youth with an older boyfriend or girlfriend more likely to have had sex?” “It may be because the power differential between an older partner and a younger one can be quite large. Older partners generally have more resources, ‘maturity,’ and status (Phillips, no date; Raymond & Associates, 1996). Also, a young person is at a social and developmental disadvantage when dating someone several years older, making it more difficult to refuse sexual advances. The older partner is more likely to be sexually experienced than the younger one, and some research suggests that older males may seek out younger partners precisely because they are more able to control the younger partner and their interaction with her (Phillips, n.d.; Raymond & Associates, 1996). Finally, older boyfriends or girlfriends, especially if they have access to automobiles, may provide more opportunities for privacy and, thus, for sexual activity. On the other hand, even if the young person did not have sex with the older boyfriend or girlfriend, by associating with an older boyfriend or girlfriend, a youth is likely to be exposed to his/her partner’s friends, who are likely to be older. Older youth; in general, are more likely to have had sex and to express positive attitudes toward sex.” “References” “Blum, R.W. (2002). Mothers’ influence on teen sex: Connections that promote postponing sexual intercourse. Center for Adolescent Health and Development. University of Minnesota.” “Moore, K.A., Driscoll, A.K., & Lindberg, L.D. (1998). A statistical portrait of adolescent sex, contraception, and childbearing. Washington: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.” “The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. (2002). With one voice 2002: America’s adults and teens sound off about teen pregnancy. [Online]. Available: www.teenpregnancy.org/resources/data/pdf/teenwant.pdf. Washington DC: Author” “Remez, L. (2000). Oral sex among adolescents: Is it sex or is it abstinence? Family Planning Perspectives, 32(6), 298-304.” “Terry, E., & Manlove, J. (2000). Trends in sexual activity and contraceptive use among teens. Washington: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.” “Phillips, L.M. (n.d.). Unequal partners: Exploring power and consent in adult-teen relationships (Report from phase one of the New Findings, New Approaches: Preventing Adolescent Pregnancy Project). Morristown, NJ: Planned Parenthood of Greater Northern New Jersey.” “Raymond & Associates, Inc. (August, 1996). Teen Partners Study (Final Report). Rochester, NY: Monroe County.” (Albert, Bill, Brown, Sarah, Flanigan, Christine M., “14 and Younger: The Sexual Behavior of Young Adolescents,” The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, May 2003) www.josh.org/resources/research

A pastor admits to requesting sex from some of his female staff members. A woman commits suicide after being told she was demon-possessed. A four-year-old boy dies for lack of a saving medical procedure because they were instructed by their pastor not to call a doctor, but to rely on prayer alone. Several couples in a rural community divorce because the pastor told them they were outside God’s perfect will. There is a danger of any spiritual leader, whether it be a pastor, counselor, chaplain, or an other leader in a powerful position, to use their influence to manipulate care-receivers. An entire church system spends millions on out-of-court settlements to those who claim to have been sexually molested by their priests. Some abuse, such as pat answers to life’s problems that are given to a voice further engagement into a person’s life, is done innocently, without malicious intent. Other abuse comes when a minister or counselor takes advantage of their power to manipulate the weak in order to gain something for themselves. How do we identify spiritually abused Christians? They may develop a distorted image of God. A demanding God who is never satisfied. A mean vindictive god who delights in humiliating punishment when one makes a mistake. An apathetic God who watches people who are hurting or abused and does nothing to help. An unaware God who does not know when his people are abused. A powerless God who cannot help. A fickle God who is inconsistent in His attitude toward people. An “utterly holy” God so perfect He cannot identify with people. They may be preoccupied with spiritual performance. Going by certain formulas in order to gain God’s acceptance or to have a problem-free, orderly life. It results in legalism and promotes extreme forms of self-righteousness and shame. They have a distorted Christian self-identity. Lack of biblical understanding or awareness of what it means to be new creations in Christ. Confusion between guilt and shame. Guilt is a signal indicating wrong performance. Shame indicated that something is wrong with the person. Shame is the primary motivator of good behavior or performance. The negative understanding of self can be solved by good behavior, or doing good deeds. A high need to focus on the negative view of self in order to explain negative behaviors. For example, I am just a “sinner saved by grace,” or “I am worthless before God.” They have a problem relating to spiritual authority. Once abused, people develop ways to defend themselves from further abuse. They may become extremely compliant or defiant when under someone’s authority. They have a difficult time with grace. Being treated gracefully is not accepted. It is difficult for the abused to receive gifts from God or people without feeling a deep need to repay that person. They feel holiness is not a grace given, but is earned by doing. They may have a problem with personal boundaries. An unclear understanding about “death to self” teachings and “rights” boundaries are invisible barriers that tell others where they start and stop. Leaders who have misused their power have beaten down the boundaries of other people. They have difficulty with personal responsibility . A person may be under-responsible in their relationship with God and others. They have realized that no amount of performance will gain acceptance and love, so they opt to be undisciplined and uncaring to others. On the other hand, some will be over-responsible. They feel a personal responsibility for other people’s problems. They have a greater sense of god needing them, rather than them needing God. They may suffer from a lack of living skills. Some religious organizations develop a “bunker mentality.” This means that they are closed to the outside world and secretive to what goes on in the inside. Some are not able to function in the outside world due to this kind of teaching. They may have a hard time admitting the abuse. No one wants to confront the “man of God.” This is common because they are often told that they are the problem for confronting a leader about a problem. Admitting the abuse feels like they are being disloyal to the family, church or to God. People who have experienced spiritual abuse have lost track of what normal is. Natural human denial is often a reason people do not admit the abuse. Finally, shame keeps people in darkness. They do not admit the abuse. They do not want to admit they were so naïve to have not recognized the abuse. They have a hard time trusting people again. Once people have been hurt by an abusive pastor, it is very hard for them to ever trust any pastor again. Those who have been spiritually abused by an abusive religious system will have a hard time trusting a healthy religious system also. John Kie-Vining. Home Is Where the Hurt Is . Marriage Comission, pp. 139-143. Used by permission.