Search Results

“Living together before marriage is one of America’s most significant and unexpected family trends. By simple definition, living together-or unmarried cohabitation–is the status of couples who are sexual partners, not married to each other, and sharing a household. By 1997, the total number of unmarried couples in America topped 4 million, up from less than half a million in 1960.1 It is estimated that about a quarter of unmarried women between the ages of 25 and 39 are currently living with a partner and about half have lived at some time with an unmarried partner (the data are typically reported for women but not for men). Over half of all first marriages are now preceded by cohabitation, compared to virtually none earlier in the century.”2 “What makes cohabitation so significant is not only its prevalence but also its widespread popular acceptance. In recent representative national surveys nearly 60% of high school seniors indicated that they ‘agreed’ or ‘mostly agreed’ with the statement ‘it is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along.’ And nearly three quarters of the students, slightly more girls than boys, stated that ‘a man and a woman who live together without being married’ are either ‘experimenting with a worthwhile alternative lifestyle’ or ‘doing their own thing and not affecting anyone else.’”3 “Unlike divorce or unwed childbearing, the trend toward cohabitation has inspired virtually no public comment or criticism. It is hard to believe that across America, only thirty years ago, living together for unmarried, heterosexual couples was against the law.4 And it was considered immoral–living in sin–or at the very least highly improper. Women who provided sexual and housekeeping services to a man without the benefits of marriage were regarded as fools at best and morally loose at worst. A double standard existed, but cohabiting men were certainly not regarded with approbation” “Today, the old view of cohabitation seems yet another example of the repressive Victorian norms. The new view is that cohabitation represents a more progressive approach to intimate relationships. How much healthier women are to be free of social pressure to marry and stigma when they don’t. How much better off people are today to be able to exercise choice in their sexual and domestic arrangements. How much better off marriage can be, and how many divorces can be avoided, when sexual relationships start with a trial period.” “Surprisingly, much of the accumulating social science research suggests otherwise. What most cohabiting couples don’t know, and what in fact few people know, are the conclusions of many recent studies on unmarried cohabitation and its implications for young people and for society. Living together before marriage may seem like a harmless or even a progressive family trend until one takes a careful look at the evidence.” “How Living Together Before Marriage May Contribute To Marital Failure” “The vast majority of young women today want to marry and have children. And many of these women and most young men see cohabitation as a way to test marital compatibility and improve the chances of long-lasting marriage. Their reasoning is as follows: Given the high levels of divorce, why be in a hurry to marry? Why not test marital compatibility by sharing a bed and a bathroom with for a year or even longer? If it doesn’t work out, one can simply move out. According to this reasoning, cohabitation weeds out unsuitable partners through a process of natural de-selection. Over time, perhaps after several living-together relationships, a person will eventually find a marriageable mate.” “The social science evidence challenges this idea that cohabiting ensures greater marital compatibility and thereby promotes stronger and more enduring marriages. Cohabitation does not reduce the likelihood of eventual divorce; in fact, it may lead to a higher divorce risk. Although the association was stronger a decade or two ago and has diminished in the younger generations, virtually all research on the topic has determined that the chances of divorce ending a marriage preceded by cohabitation are significantly greater than for a marriage not preceded by cohabitation. A 1992 study of 3,300 cases, for example, based on the 1987 National Survey of Families and Households, found that in their marriages prior cohabitors ‘are estimated to have a hazard of dissolution that is about 46% higher than for noncohabitors.’ The authors of this study concluded, after reviewing all previous studies, that the enhanced risk of marital disruption following cohabitation ‘is beginning to take on the status of an empirical generalization.’”5 “More in question within the research community is why the striking statistical association between cohabitation and divorce should exist. Perhaps the most obvious explanation is that those people willing to cohabit are more unconventional than others and less committed to the institution of marriage. These are the same people then, who more easily will leave a marriage if it becomes troublesome. By this explanation, cohabitation doesn’t cause divorce but is merely associated with it because the same type of people is involved in both phenomena.” “There is some empirical support for this position. Yet even when this “selection effect” is carefully controlled statistically a negative effect of cohabitation on later marriage stability still remains.6 And no positive contribution of cohabitation to marriage has been ever been found.” “The reasons for cohabitation’s negative effect are not fully understood. One may be that while marriages are held together largely by a strong ethic of commitment, cohabiting relationships by their very nature tend to undercut this ethic. Although cohabiting relationships are like marriages in many ways-shared dwelling, economic union (at least in part), sexual intimacy, often even children-they typically differ in the levels of commitment and autonomy involved. According to recent studies cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples in their dedication to the continuation of the relationship and reluctance to terminate it, and they are more oriented toward their own personal autonomy.7 It is reasonable to speculate, based on these studies, that once this low-commitment, high-autonomy pattern of relating is learned, it becomes hard to unlearn.” “The results of several studies suggest that cohabitation may change partners’ attitudes toward the institution of marriage, contributing to either making marriage less likely, or if marriage takes place, less successful. A 1997 longitudinal study conducted by demographers at Pennsylvania State University concluded, for example, “cohabitation increased young people’s acceptance of divorce, but other independent living experiences did not.” And ‘the more months of exposure to cohabitation that young people experienced, the less enthusiastic they were toward marriage and childbearing.’”8 “Particularly problematic is serial cohabitation. One study determined that the effect of cohabitation on later marital instability is found only when one or both partners had previously cohabited with someone other than their spouse.9 A reason for this could be that the experience of dissolving one cohabiting relationship generates a greater willingness to dissolve later relationships. People’s tolerance for unhappiness is diminished, and they will scrap a marriage that might otherwise be salvaged. This may be similar to the attitudinal effects of divorce; going through a divorce makes one more tolerant of divorce.” “If the conclusions of these studies hold up under further investigation, they may hold the answer to the question of why premarital cohabitation should effect the stability of a later marriage. The act of cohabitation generates changes in people’s attitudes toward marriage that make the stability of marriage less likely. Society wide, therefore, the growth of cohabitation will tend to further weaken marriage as an institution.” “An important caveat must be inserted here. There is a growing understanding among researchers that different types and life-patterns of cohabitation must be distinguished clearly from each other. Cohabitation that is an immediate prelude to marriage, or prenuptial cohabitation-both partners plan to marry each other in the near future-is different from cohabitation that is an alternative to marriage. There is some evidence to support the proposition that living together for a short period of time with the person one intends to marry has no adverse effects on the subsequent marriage. Cohabitation in this case appears to be very similar to marriage; it merely takes place during the engagement period.10 This proposition would appear to be less true, however, when one or both of the partners has had prior experience with cohabitation, or brings children into the relationship.” “Cohabitation As An Alternative To Marriage” “Most cohabiting relationships are relatively short lived and an estimated 60% end in marriage.11 Still, a surprising number are essentially alternatives to marriage and that number is increasing. This should be of great national concern, not only for what the growth of cohabitation is doing to the institution of marriage but for what it is doing, or not doing, for the participants involved. In general, cohabiting relationships tend to be less satisfactory than marriage relationships.” “Except perhaps for the short term prenuptial type of cohabitation, and probably also for the post-marriage cohabiting relationships of seniors and retired people who typically cohabit rather than marry for economic reasons,12 cohabitation and marriage relationships are qualitatively different. Cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and sexual satisfaction, and poorer relationships with their parents.13 One reason is that, as several sociologists not surprisingly concluded after a careful analysis, in unmarried cohabitation ‘levels of certainty about the relationship are lower than in marriage.’”14 “It is easy to understand, therefore, why cohabiting is inherently much less stable than marriage and why, especially in view of the fact that it is easier to terminate, the break-up rate of cohabitors is far higher than for married partners. Within two years about half of all cohabiting relationships end in either marriage or a parting of the ways, and after five years only about 10% of couples are still cohabiting (data from the late 1980s).15 In comparison, only about 45% of first marriages today are expected to break up over the course of a lifetime.”16 “Still not widely known by the public at large is the fact that married couples have substantial benefits over the unmarried in terms of labor force productivity, physical and mental health, general happiness, and longevity.17 There is evidence that these benefits are diluted for couples who are not married but merely cohabiting.18 Among the probable reasons for the benefits of marriage, as summarized by University of Chicago demographer Linda Waite,19 are: 1) The long-term contract implicit in marriage. This facilitates emotional investment in the relationship, including the close monitoring of each other’s behavior. The longer time horizon also makes specialization more likely; working as a couple, individuals can develop those skills in which they excel, leaving others to their partner. 2) The greater sharing of economic and social resources by married couples. In addition to economies of scale, this enables couples to act as a small insurance pool against life uncertainties, reducing each person’s need to protect themselves from unexpected events. 3) The better connection of married couples to the larger community. This includes other individuals and groups (such as in-laws) as well as social institutions such as churches and synagogues. These can be important sources of social and emotional support and material benefits.” “In addition to missing out on many of the benefits of marriage, cohabitors may face more serious difficulties. Annual rates of depression among cohabiting couples are more than three times what they are among married couples.20 And women in cohabiting relationships are more likely than married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse. Some research has shown that aggression is at least twice as common among cohabitors as it is among married partners.”21 “Again, the selection factor is undoubtedly strong in findings such as these. But the most careful statistical probing suggests that selection is not the only factor at work; the intrinsic nature of the cohabiting relationship also plays a role.” “Why Cohabitation Is Harmful For Children” “Of all the types of cohabitation, that involving children is by far the most problematic. In 1997, 36% of all unmarried-couple households included a child under eighteen, up from only 21% in 1987.22 For unmarried couples in the 25-34 age group the percentage with children is higher still, approaching half of all such households.23 By one recent estimate nearly half of all children today will spend some time in a cohabiting family before age 16.”24 “One of the greatest problems for children living with a cohabiting couple is the high risk that the couple will break up.25 Fully three quarters of children born to cohabiting parents will see their parents split up before they reach age sixteen, whereas only about a third of children born to married parents face a similar fate. One reason is that marriage rates for cohabiting couples have been plummeting. In the last decade, the proportion of cohabiting mothers who go on to eventually marry the child’s father declined from 57% to 44%.”26 “Parental break up, as is now widely known, almost always entails a myriad of personal and social difficulties for children, some of which can be long lasting. For the children of a cohabiting couple these may come on top of a plethora of already existing problems. One study found that children currently living with a mother and her unmarried partner had significantly more behavior problems and lower academic performance than children from intact families.”27 “It is important to note that the great majority of children in unmarried-couple households were born not in the present union but in a previous union of one of the adult partners, usually the mother.28 This means that they are living with an unmarried stepfather or mother’s boyfriend, with whom the economic and social relationships are often tenuous. For example, these children have no claim to child support should the couple separate.” “Child abuse has become a major national problem and has increased dramatically in recent years, by more than 10% a year according to one estimate.29 In the opinion of most researchers, this increase is related strongly to changing family forms. Surprisingly, the available American data do not enable us to distinguish the abuse that takes place in married-couple households from that in cohabiting-couple households. We do have abuse-prevalence studies that look at stepparent families (both married and unmarried) and mother’s boyfriends (both cohabiting and dating). Both show far higher levels of child abuse than is found in intact families.”30 “One study in Great Britain did look at the relationship between child abuse and the family structure and marital background of parents, and the results are disturbing. It was found that, compared to children living with married biological parents, children living with cohabiting but unmarried biological parents are 20 times more likely to be subject to child abuse, and those living with a mother and a cohabiting boyfriend who is not the father face an increased risk of 33 times. In contrast, the rate of abuse is 14 times higher if the child lives with a biological mother who lives alone. Indeed, the evidence suggests that the most unsafe of all family environments for children is that in which the mother is living with someone other than the child’s biological father.31 This is the environment for the majority of children in cohabiting couple households.” “Part of the enormous differences indicated above are probably due to differing income levels of the families involved. But this points up one of the other problems of cohabiting couples-their lower incomes. It is well known that children of single parents fare poorly economically when compared to the children of married parents. Not so well known is that cohabiting couples are economically more like single parents than like married couples. While the 1996 poverty rate for children living in married couple households was about 6%, it was 31% for children living in cohabiting households, much closer to the rate of 45% for children living in families headed by single mothers.”32 “One of the most important social science findings of recent years is that marriage is a wealth enhancing institution. According to one study, childrearing cohabiting couples have only about two-thirds of the income of married couples with children, mainly due to the fact that the average income of male cohabiting partners is only about half that of male married partners.33 The selection effect is surely at work here, with less well-off men and their partners choosing cohabitation over marriage. But it also is the case that men when they marry, especially those who then go on to have children, tend to become more responsible and productive.34 They earn more than their unmarried counterparts. An additional factor not to be overlooked is the private transfer of wealth among extended family members, which is considerably lower for cohabiting couples than for married couples.35 It is clear that family members are more willing to transfer wealth to “in-laws” than to mere boyfriends or girlfriends.” “Who Cohabits And Why” “Why has unmarried cohabitation become such a widespread practice throughout the modern world in such a short period of time? Demographic factors are surely involved. Puberty begins at an earlier age, as does the onset of sexual activity, and marriages take place at older ages mainly because of the longer time period spent getting educated and establishing careers. Thus there is an extended period of sexually active singlehood before first marriage. Also, our material affluence as well as welfare benefits enable many young people to live on their own for an extended time, apart from their parents. During those years of young adulthood nonmarital cohabitation can be a cost-saver, a source of companionship, and an assurance of relatively safe sexual fulfillment. For some, cohabitation is a prelude to marriage, for some, an alternative to it, and for yet others, simply an alternative to living alone.”36 “More broadly, the rise of cohabitation in the advanced nations has been attributed to the sexual revolution, which has virtually revoked the stigma against cohabitation.37 In the past thirty years, with the advent of effective contraceptive technologies and widespread sexual permissiveness promoted by advertising and the organized entertainment industry, premarital sex has become widely accepted. In large segments of the population cohabitation no longer is associated with sin or social impropriety or pathology, nor are cohabiting couples subject to much, if any, disapproval.” “Another important reason for cohabitation’s growth is that the institution of marriage has changed dramatically, leading to an erosion of confidence in its stability. From a tradition strongly buttressed by economics, religion, and the law, marriage has become a more personalized relationship, what one wag has referred to as a mere “notarized date.” People used to marry not just for love but also for family and economic considerations, and if love died during the course of a marriage, this was not considered sufficient reason to break up an established union. A divorce was legally difficult if not impossible to get, and people who divorced faced enormous social stigma.” “ In today’s marriages love is all, and it is a love tied to self-fulfillment. Divorce is available to everyone, with little stigma attached. If either love or a sense of self-fulfillment disappear, the marriage is considered to be over and divorce is the logical outcome.” “Fully aware of this new fragility of marriage, people are taking cautionary actions. The attitude is either try it out first and make sure that it will work, or try to minimize the damage of breakup by settling for a weaker form of union, one that avoids a marriage license and, if need be, an eventual divorce.” “The growth of cohabitation is also associated with the rise of feminism. Traditional marriage, both in law and in practice, typically involved male leadership. For some women, cohabitation seemingly avoids the legacy of patriarchy and at the same time provides more personal autonomy and equality in the relationship. Moreover, women’s shift into the labor force and their growing economic independence make marriage less necessary and, for some, less desirable.” “Underlying all of these trends is the broad cultural shift from a more religious society where marriage was considered the bedrock of civilization and people were imbued with a strong sense of social conformity and tradition, to a more secular society focused on individual autonomy and self invention. This cultural rejection of traditional institutional and moral authority, evident in all of the advanced, Western societies, often has had ‘freedom of choice’ as its theme and the acceptance of ‘alternative lifestyles’ as its message.” “In general, cohabitation is a phenomenon that began among the young in the lower classes and then moved up to the middle classes.38 Cohabitation in America-especially cohabitation as an alternative to marriage-is more common among Blacks, Puerto Ricans, and disadvantaged white women. One reason for this is that male income and employment are lower among minorities and the lower classes, and male economic status remains an important determinant as to whether or not a man feels ready to marry, and a woman wants to marry him.40 Cohabitation is also more common among those who are less religious than their peers. Indeed, some evidence suggests that the act of cohabitation actually diminishes religious participation, whereas marriage tends to increase it.”41 “People who cohabit are much more likely to come from broken homes. Among young adults, those who experienced parental divorce, fatherlessness, or high levels of marital discord during childhood are more likely to form cohabiting unions than children who grew up in families with married parents who got along. They are also more likely to enter living-together relationships at younger ages.42 For young people who have already suffered the losses associated with parental divorce, cohabitation may provide an early escape from family turmoil, although unfortunately it increases the likelihood of new losses and turmoil. For these people, cohabitation often recapitulates the childhood experience of coming together and splitting apart with the additional possibility of more violent conflict. Finally, cohabitation is a much more likely experience for those who themselves have been divorced.” “What are the Main Arguments for and Against Living Together Before Marriage in Modern Societies?” “To the degree that there is a scholarly debate about the growth of cohabitation, it is typically polarized into ‘for’ and ‘against’ without much concern for the nuances. On one side is the religiously inspired view that living with someone outside of marriage, indeed all premarital sex, represents an assault on the sanctity of marriage. If you are ready for sex you are ready for marriage, the argument goes, and the two should always go together, following biblical injunction. This side is typically supportive of early marriage as an antidote to sexual promiscuity, and as worthwhile in its own right.” “The other side, based in secular thought, holds that we can’t realistically expect people to remain sexually abstinent from today’s puberty at age eleven or twelve (even earlier for some) to marriage in the late twenties, which is empirically the most desirable age for insuring a lasting union. Therefore, it is better that they cohabit during that time with a few others than be promiscuous with many. This side also finds the idea of a trial marriage quite appealing. Modern societies in any event, the argument goes, have become so highly sexualized and the practice of cohabitation has become so widely accepted that there is no way to stop it.” “The anti-cohabitation perspective believes in linking sex to marriage, but fails to answer the question of how to postpone sex until marriage at a time when the age of marriage has risen to an average of almost 26, the highest in this century. Cold showers, anyone? Nor is there evidence to support the idea that marriage at a younger age is a good solution. On the contrary, marrying later in life seems to provide some protection against divorce. Teenage marriages, for example, have a much higher risk of breaking up than do marriages among young adults in their twenties. The reasons are fairly obvious; at older ages people are more emotionally mature and established in their jobs and careers, and usually better able to know what they want in a lifetime mate.” “Pro-cohabitation arguments recognize the demographic and social realities but fail to answer another question: if the aim is to have a strong, lifelong marriage, and for most people it still is, can cohabitation be of any help? As we have seen the statistical data are unsupportive on this point. So far, at least, living together before marriage has been remarkably unsuccessful as a generator of happy and long-lasting marriages.” “Should Unmarried Cohabitation Be Institutionalized?” “If marriage has been moving toward decreased social and legal recognition and control, cohabitation has moved in the opposite direction, steadily gaining social and legal identification as a distinct new institution. Cohabitation was illegal in all states prior to about 1970 and, although the law is seldom enforced, it remains illegal in a number of states. No state has yet established cohabitation as a legal relationship, but most states have now decriminalized ‘consensual sexual acts’ among adults, which include cohabitation.” “In lieu of state laws, some marriage-like rights of cohabitors have gradually been established through the courts. The law typically comes into play, for example, when cohabitors who split up have disagreements about the division of property, when one of the partners argues that some kind of oral or implicit marriage-like contract existed, and when the courts accept this position. Whereas property claims by cohabitors traditionally have been denied on the ground that ‘parties to an illegal relationship do not have rights based on that relationship,’ courts have begun to rule more frequently that cohabitors do have certain rights based on such concepts as ‘equitable principles.’”43 “The legal changes underway mean that cohabitation is becoming less of a ‘no-strings attached’ phenomenon, one involving some of the benefits of marriage with none of the costly legal procedures and financial consequences of divorce. In the most famous case, Marvin vs. Marvin, what the news media labeled ‘palimony’ in place of alimony was sought by a woman with whom Hollywood actor Lee Marvin lived for many years. The Supreme Court of California upheld the woman’s claim of an implied contract. Many states have not accepted key elements of the Marvin decision, and the financial award of palimony was eventually rejected on appeal. Yet the proposition that unmarried couples have the right to form contracts has come to be widely acknowledged.” “In an attempt to reduce the uncertainties of the legal system, some cohabitors are now initiating formal ‘living together contracts.’45 Some of these contracts state clearly, with the intent of avoiding property entanglements should the relationship break down, that the relationship is not a marriage but merely ‘two free and independent human beings who happen to live together.’ Others, in contrast, seek to secure the rights of married couples in such matters as inheritance and child custody. Marriage-like fiscal and legal benefits are also beginning to come to cohabiting couples. In the attempt to provide for gay and lesbian couples, for whom marriage is forbidden, many corporations, universities, municipalities, and even some states now provide “domestic partnership” benefits ranging from health insurance and pensions to the right to inherit the lease of a rent controlled apartment. In the process, such benefits have commonly been offered to unmarried heterosexual couples as well, one reason being to avoid lawsuits charging ‘illegal discrimination.’ Although the legal issues have only begun to be considered, the courts are likely to hold that the withholding of benefits from heterosexual cohabitors when they are offered to same-sex couples is a violation of U. S. laws against sex discrimination.” “Religions have also started to reconsider cohabitation. Some religions have developed “commitment ceremonies” as an alternative to marriage ceremonies. So far these are mainly intended for same-sex couples and in some cases the elderly, but it seems only a matter of time before their purview is broadened.” “Unlike in the United States, cohabitation has become an accepted new social institution in most northern European countries, and in several Scandinavian nations cohabitors have virtually the same legal rights as married couples. In Sweden and Denmark, for example, the world’s cohabitation leaders, cohabitors and married couples have the same rights and obligations in taxation, welfare benefits, inheritance, and child care. Only a few differences remain, such as the right to adopt children, but even that difference may soon disappear. Not incidentally, Sweden also has the lowest marriage rate ever recorded (and one of the highest divorce rates); an estimated 30% of all couples sharing a household in Sweden today are unmarried.46 For many Swedish and Danish couples cohabiting has become an alternative rather than a prelude to marriage, and almost all marriages in these nations are now preceded by cohabitation.” “Is America moving toward the Scandinavian family model? Sweden and Denmark are the world’s most secular societies, and some argue that American religiosity will work against increasing levels of cohabitation. Yet few religions prohibit cohabitation or even actively attempt to discourage it, so the religious barrier may be quite weak. Others argue that most Americans draw a sharper distinction than Scandinavians do between cohabitation and marriage, viewing marriage as a higher and more serious form of commitment. But as the practice of cohabitation in America becomes increasingly common, popular distinctions between cohabitation and marriage are fading. In short, the legal, social and religious barriers to cohabitation are weak and likely to get weaker. Unless there is an unexpected turnaround, America and the other Anglo countries, plus the rest of northern Europe, do appear to be headed in the direction of Scandinavia.” “The institutionalization of cohabitation in the public and private sectors has potentially serious social consequences that need to be carefully considered. At first glance, in a world where close relationships are in increasingly short supply, why not recognize and support such relationships in whatever form they occur? Surely this is the approach that would seem to blend social justice and compassion with the goal of personal freedom. But is it not in society’s greater interest to foster long-term, committed relationships among childrearing couples? In this regard the advantages of marriage are substantial. It is only marriage that has the implicit long-term contract, the greater sharing of economic and social resources, and the better connection to the larger community.” “The recognition and support of unmarried cohabitation unfortunately casts marriage as merely one of several alternative lifestyle choices. As the alternatives to it are strengthened, the institution of marriage is bound to weaken. After all, if cohabitors have the same rights and responsibilities as married couples, why bother to marry? Why bother, indeed, if society itself expresses no strong preference one way or the other. It is simpler and less complicated to live together. The expansion of domestic partner benefits to heterosexual cohabiting couples, then, may be an easy way to avoid legal challenges, but the troubling issue arises: cities and private businesses that extend these benefits are in effect subsidizing the formation of fragile family forms. Even more troublingly, they are subsidizing family forms that pose increased risks of violence to women and children. While the granting of certain marriage-like legal rights to cohabiting couples may be advisable in some circumstances to protect children and other dependents in the event of couple break up, an extensive granting of such rights serves to undercut an essential institution that is already established to regulate family relationships. These issues, at the least, should cause us to proceed toward the further institutionalization of unmarried cohabitation only after very careful deliberation and forethought.” “Some Principles To Guide The Practice Of Cohabitation Before Marriage” “Unmarried cohabitation has become a prominent feature of modern life and is undoubtedly here to stay in some form. The demographic, economic, and cultural forces of modern life would appear to be too strong to permit any society merely to turn back the clock, even if it so desired. Yet by all of the empirical evidence at our disposal, not to mention the wisdom of the ages, the institution of marriage remains a cornerstone of a successful society. And the practice of cohabitation, far from being a friend of marriage, looks more and more like its enemy. As a goal of social change, therefore, perhaps the best that we can hope for is to contain cohabitation in ways that minimize its damage to marriage.” “With that goal in mind, are there any principles that we might give to young adults to guide their thinking about living together before marriage? In developing such principles it is important to note that, because men and women differ somewhat in their sexual and mate-selection strategies, cohabitation often has a different meaning for each sex. Women tend to see it as a step toward eventual marriage, while men regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment. A woman’s willingness to cohabit runs the risk of sending men precisely the wrong signal. What our grandmothers supposedly knew might well be true: If a woman truly wants a man to marry her, wisdom dictates a measure of playing hard to get.”47 “Pulling together what we know from recent social science research about cohabitation and its effects, here are four principles concerning living together before marriage that seem most likely to promote, or at least not curtail, long-term committed relationships among childrearing couples:” “1. Consider not living together at all before marriage. Cohabitation appears not to be helpful and may be harmful as a try-out for marriage. There is no evidence that if you decide to cohabit before marriage you will have a stronger marriage than those who don’t live together, and some evidence to suggest that if you live together before marriage, you are more likely to break up after marriage. Cohabitation is probably least harmful (though not necessarily helpful) when it is prenuptial – when both partners are definitely planning to marry, have formally announced their engagement and have picked a wedding date.” “2. Do not make a habit of cohabiting. Be aware of the dangers of multiple living together experiences, both for your own sense of well-being and for your chances of establishing a strong lifelong partnership. Contrary to popular wisdom, you do not learn to have better relationships from multiple failed cohabiting relationships. In fact, multiple cohabiting is a strong predictor of the failure of future relationships.” “3. Limit cohabitation to the shortest possible period of time. The longer you live together with a partner, the more likely it is that the low-commitment ethic of cohabitation will take hold, the opposite of what is required for a successful marriage.” “4. Do not cohabit if children are involved. Children need and should have parents who are committed to staying together over the long term. Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents and the effects of breakup can be devastating and often long lasting. Moreover, children living in cohabiting unions are at higher risk of sexual abuse and physical violence, including lethal violence, than are children living with married parents.” “Conclusion” “Despite its widespread acceptance by the young, the remarkable growth of unmarried cohabitation in recent years does not appear to be in children’s or the society’s best interest. The evidence suggests that it has weakened marriage and the intact, two-parent family and thereby damaged our social well-being, especially that of women and children. We cannot go back in history, but it seems time to establish some guidelines for the practice of cohabitation and to seriously question the further institutionalization of this new family form.” “In place of institutionalizing cohabitation, in our opinion, we should be trying to revitalize marriage-not along classic male-dominant lines but along modern egalitarian lines. Particularly helpful in this regard would be educating young people about marriage from the early school years onward, getting them to make the wisest choices in their lifetime mates, and stressing the importance of long-term commitment to marriages. Such an educational venture could build on the fact that a huge majority of our nation’s young people still express the strong desire to be in a long-term monogamous marriage.” “These ideas are offered to the American public and especially to society’s leaders in the spirit of generating a discussion. Our conclusions are tentative, and certainly not the last word on the subject. There is an obvious need for more research on cohabitation, and the findings of new research, of course, could alter our thinking. What is most important now, in our view, is a national debate on a topic that heretofore has been overlooked. Indeed, few issues seem more critical for the future of marriage and for generations to come.” 1. U. S. Bureau of the Census. 1998. Marital Status and Living Arrangements: March, 1997. 2. Larry Bumpass and Hsien-Hen Lu. 1998. “Trends in Cohabitation and Implications for Children’s Family Contexts.” Unpublished manuscript, Madison, WI: Center for Demography, University of Wisconsin. The most likely to cohabit are people aged 20 to 24. 3. J. G. Bachman, L. D. Johnston and P. M. O’Malley. 1997. Monitoring the Future: Questionnaire Responses from the Nation’s High School Seniors, 1995. Ann Arbor, MI: Survey Research Center at the University of Michigan. 4. The state statutes prohibiting “adultery” and “fornication,” which included cohabitation, were not often enforced. 5. Alfred DeMaris and K. Vaninadha Rao. 1992. “Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability in the United States: A Reassessment.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 54: 178-190. 6. See: Alfred DeMaris and William MacDonald. 1993. “Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Instability: A Test of the Unconventional Hypothesis.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 55: 399-407; William J. Axinn and Arland Thornton. 1992. “The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Causal Influence.” Demography 29-3:357-374; Robert Schoen. 1992. “First Unions and the Stability of First Marriages.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 54:281-284; Elizabeth Thomson and Ugo Colella. 1992. “Cohabitation and Marital Stability: Quality or Commitment?” Journal of Marriage and the Family 54:259-267; Lee A Lillard, Michael J. Brien, and Linda J. Waite. 1995. “Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Dissolution: A Matter of Self-Selection?” Demography, Vol. 32-3:437-457; David R. Hall and John Z. Zhao. 1995. “Cohabitation and Divorce in Canada: Testing the Selectivity Hypothesis.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 57:421-427; Marin Clarkberg, Ross M. Stolzenberg, and Linda Waite. 1995. “Attitudes, Values, and Entrance into Cohabitational versus Marital Unions.” Socia Forces 74-2:609-634; Stephen L. Nock. 1995. “Spouse Preferences of Never-Married, Divorced, and Cohabiting Americans.” Journal of Divorce and Remarriage 24-3/4:91-108. 7. Stephen L. Nock. 1995. “A Comparison of Marriages and Cohabiting Relationships.” Journal of Family Issues 16-1:53-76. See also: Robert Schoen and Robin M Weinick. 1993. “Partner Choice in Marriages and Cohabitations.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 55:408-414. 8. William G. Axinn and Jennifer S. Barber. 1997. “Living Arrangements and Family Formation Attitudes in Early Adulthood.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 59:595-611. See also Axinn and Thornton. 1992. op.cit., and Elizabeth Thomson and Ugo Colella. 1992. op. cit. 9. DeMaris and McDonald. 1993. op. cit.; Jan E. Stets. 1993. “The Link Between Past and Present Intimate Relationships.” Journal of Family Issues 14-2:236-260. 10. Susan L. Brown. “Cohabitation as Marriage Prelude Versus Marriage Alternative: The Significance for Psychological Well-Being.” Unpublished paper presented at the 1998 annual meeting of the American Sociological Association. Author is at Bowling Green State University, Ohio; Susan L. Brown and Alan Booth. 1996. “Cohabitation Versus Marriage: A Comparison of Relationship Quality.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 58:668-678. 11. Larry Bumpass and James Sweet. 1989. “National Estimates of Cohabitation.” Demography 24-4:615-625. 12. Albert Chevan. 1996. “As Cheaply as One: Cohabitation in the Older Population.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 58:656-666. According to calculations by Chevan, the percentage of noninstitutionalized, unmarried cohabiting persons 60 years of age and over increased from virtually zero in 1960 to 2.4 in 1990, p. 659. See also R. G. Hatch. 1995. Aging and Cohabitation. New York: Garland. 13. Nock. 1995; Brown and Booth. 1996; Linda J. Waite and Kara Joyner, 1996. Men’s and Women’s General Happiness and Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage, Cohabitation and Single Living. Unpublished manuscript. Chicago: Population Research Center, Univ. of Chicago; Renate Forste and Koray Tanfer 1996. “Sexual Exclusivity Among Dating, Cohabiting, and Married Women.” Journal of Marriage the Family 58:33-47; Paul R. Amato and Alan Booth. 1997. A Generation at Risk. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, Table 4-2, p. 258. 14. Bumpass, Sweet, and Cherlin, 1991, p. 926 15. Bumpass and Sweet, 1989 16. Latest estimate based on current divorce rate. 17. Lee A. Lillard and Linda J. Waite. 1995. “Till Death Do Us Part: Marital Disruption and Mortality.” American Journal of Sociology 100:1131-1156; R. Jay Turner and Franco Marino. 1994. “Social Support and Social Structure: A Descriptive Epidemiology.” Journal of Health and Social Behavior 35:193-212; Linda J. Waite. 1995. “Does Marriage Matter?” Demography 32-4:483-507; Sanders Korenman and David Neumark. 1990. “Does Marriage Really Make Men More Productive?” The Journal of Human Resources 26-2:282-307; George A. Akerlof. 1998. “Men Without Children.” The Economic Journal 108:287-309. 18. Allan V. Horwitz and Helene Raskin White. 1998. “The Relationship of Cohabitation and Mental Health: A Study of a Young Adult Cohort.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 60:505-514; Waite. 1995. 19. Linda Waite. 1996. “Social Science Finds: ‘Marriage Matters.'” The Responsive Community Summer, p. 26-35. 20. Lee Robins and Darrel Reiger. 1990. Psychiatric Disorders in America. New York: Free Press, p. 72. 21. Jan E. Stets. 1991. “Cohabiting and Marital Aggression: The Role of Social Isolation.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 53:669-680. One study found that, of the violence toward women that is committed by intimates and relatives, 42% involves a close friend or partner whereas only 29% involves a current spouse. Ronet Bachman. 1994. “Violence Against Women.” Washington, DC: Bureau of Justice Statistics. p. 6 22. U. S. Bureau of the Census. 1998. Marital Status and Living Arrangements: March, 1997. 23. Wendy D. Manning and Daniel T. Lichter. 1996. “Parental Cohabitation and Children’s Economic Well-Being.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 58:998-1010. 24. Bumpass and Lu. 1998. op.cit. Using a different data set, however, Deborah R. Graefe and Daniel T. Lichter conclude that only about one in four chilren will live in a family headed by a cohabiting couple sometime during childhood. “Life Course Transitions of American Children: Parental Cohabitation, Marriage, and Single Motherhood.” Forthcoming: May, 1999. Demography 36. 25. It is the case, however, that-just as with married couples—cohabiting couples with children are less likely to break up than childless couples. Zheng Wu, “The Stability of Cohabitation Relationships: The Role of Children.” 1995. Journal of Marriage and the Family 57:231-236. 26. Bumpass and Lu, 1998, op.cit. 27. Elizabeth Thompson, T. L. Hanson and S. S. McLanahan. 1994. “Family Structure and Child Well-Being: Economic Resources versus Parental Behaviors.” Social Forces 73-1:221-242. 28. By one estimate, 63%. Deborah R. Graefe and Daniel Lichter, 1999, forthcoming. 29. Andrea J. Sedlak and Diane Broadhurst, 1996. The Third National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect Washington, DC: HHS-National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect. 30. See, for example, Margo Wilson and Martin Daly. 1987. “Risk of Maltreatment of Children Living with Stepparents,” in R. Gelles and J. Lancaster, eds. Child Abuse and Neglect: Biosocial Dimensions, New York: Aldine de Gruyter; Leslie Margolin. 1992. “Child Abuse by Mothers’ Boyfriends: Why the Overrepresentation?” Child Abuse and Neglect 16:541-551. Martin Daly and Margo Wilson have stated: “stepparenthood per se remains the single most powerful risk factor for child abuse that has yet been identified.” Homicide (New York: Aldine de Gruyter, 1988) p. 87-88. 31. Robert Whelan. 1993. Broken Homes and Battered Children: A Study of the Relationship Between Child Abuse and Family Type. London: Family Education Trust. See especially Table 12, p. 29. (Data are from the 1980s.) See also Patrick F. Fagan and Dorothy B. Hanks. 1997. The Child Abuse Crisis: The Disintegration of Marriage, Family and The American Community. Washington, DC: The Heritage Foundation. 32. Wendy D. Manning and Daniel T. Lichter. 1996. “Parental Cohabitation and Children’s Economic Well-Being.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 58:998-1010. 33. Wendy D. Manning and Daniel T. Lichter. 1996. 34. Sanders Korenman and David Neumark. 1990. “Does Marriage Really Make Men More Productive?” The Journal of Human Resources 26-2:282-307; George A. Akerlof. 1998. “Men Without Children.” The Economic Journal 108:287-309; Steven L. Nock. 1998. Marriage in Men’s Lives (New York: Oxford University Press). 35. Lingxin Hao. 1996. “Family Structure, Private Transfers, and the Economic Well-Being of Families with Children.” Social Forces 75-1:269-292. 36. R. Rindfuss and A. VanDenHeuvel. 1990. “Cohabitation: A Precursor to Marriage or an Alternative to Being Single?” Population and Development Review 16:703-726; Wendy D. Manning. 1993. “Marriage and Cohabitation Following Premarital Conception.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 55:839-850. 37. Larry L. Bumpass. 1990. “What’s Happening to the Family?” Demography 27-4:483-498. 38. Arland Thornton, William G. Axinn and Jay D. Treachman. 1995. “The Influence of School Enrollment and Accumulation on Cohabitation and Marriage in Early Adulthood.” American Sociological Review 60-5:762-774; Larry L. Bumpass, James A. Sweet, and Andrew Cherlin.1991. “The Role of Cohabitation in Declining Rates of Marriage.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 53:913-927. 39. Wendy D. Manning and Pamela J. Smock. 1995. “Why Marry? Race and the Transition to Marriage among Cohabitors.” Demography 32-4:509-520; Wendy D. Manning and Nancy S. Landale, 1996. “Racial and Ethnic Differences in the Role of Cohabitation in Premarital Childbearing.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 58:63-77; Laura Spencer Loomis and Nancy S. Landale. 1994. “Nonmarital Cohabitation and Childbearing Among Black and White American Women.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 56:949-962; Robert Schoen and Dawn Owens. 1992. “A Further Look at First Unions and First Marriages.” in S. J. South and Stewart E. Tolnay, eds., The Changing American Family. Boulder, CO: Westview Press, p. 109-117. 40. Daniel T. Lichter, Diane K. McLaughlin, George Kephart, and David J. Landry. 1992. “Race and the Retreat from Marriage: A Shortage of Marriageable Men?” American Sociological Review 57-6:781-789; Pamela J. Smock and Wendy D. Manning. 1997. “Cohabiting Partners’ Economic Circumstances and Marriage.” Demography 34-3:331-341; Valerie K. Oppenheimer, Matthijs Kalmijn and Nelson Lim. 1997. “Men’s Career Development and Marriage Timing During a Period of Rising Inequality.” Demography 34-3:311-330. 41. Arland Thornton, W. G. Axinn and D. H. Hill. 1992. “Reciprocal Effects of Religiosity, Cohabitation and Marriage.” American Journal of Sociology 98-3:628-651. 42. Arland Thornton. 1991.”Influence of the Marital History of Parents on the Marital and Cohabitational Experiences of Children.” American Journal of Sociology 96-4:868-894; Kathleen E. Kiernan. 1992. “The Impact of Family Disruption in Childhood on Transitions Made in Young Adult Life.” Population Studies 46:213-234; Andrew J. Cherlin, Kathleen E. Kiernan, and P. Lindsay Chase-Lansdale. 1995. “Parental Divorce in Childhood and Demographic Outcomes in Young Adulthood.” Demography, 32-3:299-318. 43. Monica A. Seff. 1995. “Cohabitation and the Law.” Marriage and Family Review 21-3/4:141-165. p. 149. 44. Marvin vs. Marvin, 1976. California 45. Toni Ihara and Ralph Warner. 1997. The Living Together Kit: A Guide for Unmarried Couples. Berkeley, CA: Nolo Press, 8th edition. These contracts are not yet upheld by all states, and their enforceability is often in question. 46. Richard F. Tomasson. 1998. “Modern Sweden: The Declining Importance of Marriage.” Scandinavian Review August 1998:83-89. The marriage rate in the United States is two and a half times the Swedish rate. 47. This is one of the messages in the runaway bestseller The Rules, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider (New York: Warner Books, 1995) For more Fantastic Resources by Josh, visit http://www.josh.org. Used by permission.

If you ask most evangelical Christians what marks a true disciple of Jesus, their answers will mostly be external. They read their Bibles every day. They evangelize. They go to church. They pray daily. They are part of an “accountability” group. While these things are good, they are mostly surface. They don’t touch on what real discipleship is all about. The deeper things that go straight to our characters are often neglected or not understood. Look again at Jesus’ definition of discipleship in Luke 9: If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must DENY HIMSELF, and TAKE UP HIS CROSS DAILY and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever LOSES HIS LIFE for My sake, he is the one who will save it. A disciple of Jesus, therefore, knows how to die. They know how to lose, They know how to lay things down. To be specific, a person who has learned to be a disciple in the school of Christ . . . doesn’t defend themselves when rightly corrected or unjustly attacked. they don’t lose their tempers when under pressure. they never entertain slander against another human being and they sure don’t spread it. they are profoundly teachable and can be corrected easily without justifying or rationalizing themselves. it is not difficult for them to say “I am sorry” and “I was wrong.” when spoken evil against, they remain silent, and even return good for evil. they take the high road when under the gun. they will sacrifice themselves and their egos for others. they treat other people the same way they want to be treated in every situation (Matt. 7:12). These are the neglected aspects of discipleship and spiritual transformation. All of these traits have the marks of the brokenness of God and the aroma of Jesus Christ upon them. True discipleship, then, teaches God’s people how to get in touch with their spiritual instincts. And those instincts will lead us to serve, to sacrifice, and to lose. I’ve met many Christians who had all the “external things” right. Yet they would defend themselves at the drop of a hat, they would believe and spread gossip and slander about others, and they could not receive correction from either their peers or those ahead of them in the Lord, and they didn’t know how to admit wrong-doing or lose. Such people were unbroken. They were self-righteous souls, living in their flesh (their “religious flesh” that is), and they knew very little about the deeper work of God in their lives. True discipleship is all about bearing the cross and carrying the spirit of the Lamb. Yes, this all takes time. It’s called transformation. But those who will follow Jesus have an instinct for the cross to begin with, an instinct that develops over time. If you’ve committed yourself to the Lord, He will seek to gain much for Himself in your life. And that means less of yourself through brokenness and pain. So I’ve learned, anyway. The following is an excerpt from Frank Viola’s new eBook DISCIPLESHIP IN CRISIS: 9 Reasons Why Discipleship Isn’t Working Today. Problems & Solutions.

Leadership is a concept a person is either drawn to or one they push away. You may not see yourself as a leader, but without leadership, your family will go in lots of different directions. In fact, Scripture says, Where there is no vision, the people perish. (Proverbs 29:18). It is the responsibility of the leader to bring vision to a group. One observation I’ve made in my years of counseling is that when there is a lack of leadership, chaos exists. This is true within a family. Families need leadership in order to live and grow successfully. Leadership is not optional—nor is it something that can be delegated to other people. It’s up to me to be a leader in my family, or a co-leader with my spouse in the family. Here are ten characteristics of great leaders to keep in mind as you strive to become a great leader in your marriage, as a parent, in business and in the areas of influence God has given you. Great leaders: Listen to their followers. Listening is an art. It requires discipline and practice. Envision a positive future. They have the ability to see a better future than the present. Anticipate problems. Leaders are emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially and financially prepared with a plan of action for the unexpected. Train their followers. Great leaders come alongside their followers and help them, train them and encourage them in the process they are navigating. Expect the best from others. They know you are most likely to receive what you expect from people. If they expect the best, they usually get the best. Rely on others. They give those who follow them responsibility. They delegate, hold them accountable and trust that they will follow through. Serve their followers. Servant leadership understands it’s not the idea, “I’m in charge; I’m the boss, and I’m barking out the orders. But it’s the realization that “I’m here to serve you. I’m here to help you become successful.” Handle the most difficult situations. They show up and model what it means to lead in the middle of a conflict, fray or problem. Ignite enthusiasm. Great leaders bring hope and sustainability to others. They keep others going as they move into the future, together. Practice what they preach. They not only preach it, but they live it in a way that their actions demonstrate their convictions. Intentional ONE THING Challenge If you could do ONE THING and know that, it would make a significant, lasting, possibly life-changing difference in your life, would you do it? Dr. Carlson shares the power of ONE THING and why you should get started doing your ONE THING today. http://www.theintentionallife.com/ Used by permission. – See more at : www.theintentionallife.com/ten-characteristics-great-leaders/

The Excellent Book, Hispanic Realities Impacting America: Implications for Evangelism and Missions , by Daniel Sanchez, Ph.D., provides an eye-opening overview of America’s rapidly changing population demographics. It vividly reminds readers that Hispanics have spread throughout the country faster than immigrant any previous group. Its central point IS that Hispanics are showing more receptivity to the Evangelical message than ever before in the history of the Country . What I found most helpful was the discussion about needs in the Hispanic community (chapter 13). The author, a seminary professor who was previously a missionary and church planter, highlights a survey of Hispanic pastors who suggested various needs that could be served, which the pastors ranked in this order: 68%, Helping persons get jobs or better jobs 61%, Helping new immigrants establish themselves 61%, Helping persons to have better access to basic social services (health care, Social Security, Medicare) 61%, Counseling programs 59%, Ministry-based evangelism such as block parties) 58%, English or citizenship classes 57%, Evangelistic services 53%, Helping students to stay in school 52%, Church / community sports programs 50%, Job training 49%, After-school programs for teenagers 45%, Drug / alcoholic rehabilitation programs 45%, Daycare or childcare programs 41%, Reduce violence among families 38%, Food distribution 32% Programs for the elderly 31%, Providing shelter for the homeless 29%, Reduce violence in the community 26%, Adequate housing 21%, Voter registration. Certainly people’s needs will vary from place to place according to economic level and other factors including proficiency in English, but these are good ideas of how to serve especially our Hispanic neighbors who are newer to this country – but they also apply well to anyone else we want to reach out to and serve. What’s Working best in your Community for Reaching out to your Hispanic neighbors? By Leadership Network on November 6th, 2013. www.leadnet.org. Used by permission.

Neuroscience now knows that willpower is a function of the prefrontal lobes of the brain. Scientific studies have also confirmed that using porn over and over actually reshapes these areas of the brain, literally eroding our willpower and our moral compass. Neuroscientists call it hypofrontality. Hypofrontality is a state in which there is decreased blood flow to the prefrontal lobes of the brain. Hypofrontality is observed in schizophrenia patients, and is also observed in all manner of addictions. What is Hypofrontality? In his book, The Porn Circuit, Sam Black explains what hypofrontality is for the porn viewer. “Compulsiveness is a good descriptor of hypofrontality. Many porn users feel focused on getting to porn and masturbating even when a big part of them is saying, ‘Don’t do this.’ Even when negative consequences seem imminent, impulse control is too weak to battle the cravings.” The porn-addicted brain has trouble thinking logically. When impulses and desires come from the midbrain, instead of being moderated, the brain feels these desires as compelling needs. The prefrontal region is supposed to be able to weigh consequences and situations and judiciously shut down cravings, but hypofrontality means the addict’s ability to do this is impaired. To the addict, when the craving for porn surfaces, their whole body gears up for action. As unhindered hormones are released and neurotransmitters fire, the craving consumes them. The heart begins to race, blood pressure rises, and the addict is consumed by a single thought: “Just one more time.” What Causes Hypofrontality? Compared to other creatures on earth, human beings have a very well developed prefrontal region. When our prefrontal lobes are working properly, then we have “executive control” of the processes going on in our brains. It is where we do our abstract thinking, make goals, solve problems, regulate behavior, and where we suppress emotions, impulses, and urges. But the more one masturbates to porn, the more dopamine is released in the brain. Eventually dopamine receptors and signals in the brain fatigue, leaving the viewer wanting more but unable to reach a level of satisfaction. The viewer becomes numb to things once considered pleasurable. “To escape this desensitization, people, and men especially, expand their pornographic tastes to more novel stimuli,” Black writes. This leads, again, to more fatigue. Desensitization impacts the prefrontal cortex. As dopamine receptors decline in the brain, so do the amount of neural cells in the prefrontal lobes. How Do You Cure Hypofrontality? To bring the prefrontal lobes back into working order, a two-pronged attack is needed: (1) the old neural pathways must be starved, and (2) new neural pathways must be built and fed, increasing dopamine levels in a way that build up the prefrontal cortex. 1. Starve: Stop All Pornography and Fantasy Don’t give into the urge to look at porn. As the prefrontal lobes are given plenty of time to rest, executive control will be strengthened over time. This advice feels to many like a catch-22. “You tell me I’ve killed my willpower by looking at porn. So now the way to increase my willpower is by willing myself not to look at porn. How does that work?” Isn’t that like telling the alcoholic to “just stop it”? The big difference between “just stop it” and a conscious effort to rewire your brain is this: The man being told to “just stop it” has no hope that the cravings will ever be different. When he hears “just stop it,” he hears, “Live with these intense cravings the rest of your life and never give into them.” To the addict porn is life. Telling him to stop is like telling him to die. However, informed by the process of how our brains can change, the addict can avoid porn and fantasy knowing that real change is possible. Change is built into the very fabric of our brains. Change is exactly what our brains are designed to do. When this person abstains from porn, he thinks, “Okay, this really stinks for now. I feel terrible. But I will not always feel this way. In fact, I aim to reclaim my brain so I can experience real, lasting pleasure again.” Here are some helpful tips for avoiding pornography Redirection – When you feel the urge, get into the habit of distracting yourself with another activity that you can start immediately. This can be as simple as a breathing exercise or journaling your thoughts. It can be as involved as making a meal or going for a jog. It will be difficult to do, but each time you choose to redirect, your brain will build new neural circuits. Avoid All External Triggers – Remember, you’ve carved a grand-canyon-sized gorge of neural circuits in your mind. It is easy for everyday experiences to become triggers. If the trigger is a specific channel on TV, refuse to visit that channel. If the trigger is a type of person you see walking down the street, choose to bounce your eyes away from that person. Learn what your triggers are and for the first several weeks or months, completely avoid them—no exceptions. Avoid Internal Triggers – External triggers are things you experience in the world. Internal triggers are emotions or states of mind. For some, when they feel lonely, this has become a trigger for porn. Porn has become their release valve to make themselves feel good. Identify what your internal triggers are (loneliness, boredom, exhaustion, anger, etc.), and create an escape plan when these emotions pop up. Call a friend. Journal your thoughts. Do something creative. Avoid SUDs – “Seemingly Unimportant Decisions.” These are the rationalizations you say to yourself to get you one step closer to porn. “I’m just going to see what’s on TV.” “I’m just going to check my e-mail.” “I’m just going to get on Facebook.” Get honest with yourself and learn what your SUDs are. Be ruthless against these rationalizations. Avoid Inactivity – Fill up your social calendar to the brim. Refuse to give yourself an open window. Finish the Fantasy – When the thought of looking at porn enters your mind, immediately finish the fantasy: imagine yourself having just orgasmed and the feeling of shame, guilt, or disgust you feel. Vividly experience the emotions. Destroy Fantasies – As a fantasy or thought enters your mind, picture the image being eliminated. Draw a red X over it. Smash it with a hammer. Put it through the shredder. Flush it down the nastiest looking toilet you’ve ever seen. 2. Feed: Build Up Your Brain Much like a muscle, the more you exercise the prefrontal cortex, the stronger it becomes. The goal is to engage in new habits that will increase your dopamine and dopamine receptors. Meditation – Making a habit of meditation has been shown to increase dopamine release up to 65%. Even after only 11 hours of meditation spread over a month, changes are observable. (For a Christian approach to meditation, visit CCEF.org or biblicalcounselingcoalition.org.) Exercise – Aerobic exercise has been shown to increase dopamine receptors and decrease cravings for those bound in addiction. Socializing – Porn-watching is a very anti-social habit. By reforging connections to real people, spending pleasurable time together, you will establish new neural pathways of pleasure. Change is Gradual, But It Will Come Summarizing these above two points, Sam Black writes in The Porn Circuit: Whatever rewarding activity is pursued, it needs to be an activity that is reoccurring. Building new rewarding neural pathways requires time and ongoing repetition…Neurons that fire together wire together. Repeating a pleasurable activity instead of the compulsive activity, such as porn use, forms a new circuit that is gradually reinforced instead of the compulsion.Neurons that fire apart wire apart. When a person refuses to act on a compulsion, like porn and masturbation, it weakens the link between the activity and the idea that it will provide relief. The prefrontal cortex is one of the things that makes us unique from other creatures on earth. By reclaiming it we are reclaiming more than our willpower. We are reclaiming our humanity.

A man’s life is a series of transitions. As he moves from one stage to the next, he often passes through a liminal state – no longer his old self but not yet aware of his new identity. Some philosophers call this transitional state “crazy time.” Adolescence, bachelorhood and midlife crisis are often crazy times for men. Crazy time sneaks up on men, and often causes them to make rash, foolish decisions. Or some men become passive, clinging to the vestiges of the past out of fear of striking out into the unknown. Religion has given us a vocabulary for describing and understanding crazy time. Robert Bly says: In times past theologians, philosophers, and spiritual pilgrims spoke about this part of the journey as being crucified, dead and buried, losing the ego, being lost in the wasteland or a slough of despond, descending into hell, being consumed by the hungry ghosts, being in the belly of the beast, doing battle with dragons, encountering demons. Nowadays we strip it of poetry and give it clinical names: stress, depression and burnout.[i] God’s word is packed with stories that give meaning to a man’s struggles – Jacob wrestling with God, Moses running from Pharaoh, Jonah in the belly of the whale, Jesus tempted in the desert. Properly understood and interpreted, these epic stories can help men through their transitions. When the midlife monster is clawing at the door, we want men to turn to the church. Yet men often do the opposite – when crazy time comes, men flee Christianity. Why? Bly would point out that the church lacks masculine energy – it’s a very feminized institution. It has the nurturing feel of a family – or the academic feel of a school. We talk about the big issues of life, but rarely do we work through them together. The other great lack in the church is the shortage of spiritual guides. These are older men who’ve successfully navigated the shoals of their own crazy times. Guides are also known as mentors, or disciple makers. A guide is a man who invests himself for a time in another man’s life, showing him the larger purpose of his struggle. Some guides are specifically trained to deal with crisis situations. They listen more than they speak. They ask great questions and let their disciples discover the answers themselves. Their currency is wisdom. Imagine a church full of wise, older men who can walk younger men through their crazy times – without judgment – simply helping their disciples let go of what they’ve been so they can become the new creation they’re destined to be. Guides should know the epic tales of men and be able to find them in the Bible. They should also have a good grasp of popular culture and movies, so they can help guys see their story through the films they’ve seen. Example: one time I was counseling a man in his late 20s who had faced a boatload of adversity. He’d nearly died several times as a teen. His marriage had broken up in the most painful way possible. His ex-wife was playing custody games with their daughter. On top of this, he had a lot of health problems. He asked me why God had afflicted him so. “Have you ever seen the movie, ‘The Terminator’”? I asked. “Of course, I love that movie!” he said. “Of course you do,” I said. “Because you are John Connor.” His eyes lit up. I continued. “You will do great things some day. God knows that – but so does your enemy. Therefore, he went back in time to when you were young, and he’s been trying to kill you ever since, so your mission would be thwarted. But you survived, thanks to the care of God.” I then led him through the story of Joseph – a man whose brothers threw him down a well and sold him into slavery; a man who was falsely accused and jailed. In spite of all this, Joseph later ascended to the highest place and saved his people. There’s a Joseph inside every one of us. But he’s down in the well, stuck. Enslaved. Behind bars. He needs someone to help him escape. – See more at: churchformen.com/discipling-men/helping-men-through-their-crazy-time/

Who Is “Unsafe” and Who Is “Safe?” When I was a counselor at a Christian agency, the front desk received a call from a distressed woman. She said that she didn’t feel safe because her husband would chase her around the house with an axe. (Apparently, he stopped long enough for her to make the call.) She also said that “he’s really a nice guy; I just think he has a spirit of murder on him.” Woah! The woman didn’t want counseling and she wouldn’t give us her phone number or address. Because I counsel people with severe complaints against their mates – though rarely this severe – the situation still makes me wonder how we know who is “safe” and who is “unsafe.” The “really nice guy with the spirit of murder” on him is pretty obvious. Well, I guess it wasn’t obvious to his girlfriend. But the rest of us could probably conclude that he was the carrier of many red flags. Here’s a great list when things aren’t so obvious: Personal Traits of Unsafe People: 1. Unsafe people think they “have it all together,” instead of admitting their weaknesses. 2. Unsafe people are religious, instead of spiritual. 3. Unsafe people are defensive, instead of open to feedback. 4. Unsafe people are self-righteous, instead of humble. 5. Unsafe people only apologize, instead of changing their behavior. 6. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems, instead of dealing with them. 7. Unsafe people demand trust, instead of earning it. 8. Unsafe people believe they are perfect, instead of admitting their faults. 9. Unsafe people blame others, instead of taking responsibility. 10. Unsafe people lie, instead of telling the truth. 11. Unsafe people are stagnant, instead of growing. Interpersonal Traits of Unsafe People 1. Unsafe people avoid closeness, instead of connecting. 2. Unsafe people are only concerned about “I,” instead of “we.” Safe people are empathic. Safe people act on their empathy. 3. Unsafe people resist freedom, instead of encouraging it. 4. Unsafe people flatter us, instead of confronting us. 5. Unsafe people condemn us, instead of forgiving us. 6. Unsafe people stay in parent/child roles, instead of relating as equals, e.g., “I feel like a kid around them,” or “I feel like I have to be their parent.” 7. Unsafe people are unstable over time, instead of being consistent. 8. Unsafe people are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one. 9. Unsafe people gossip, instead of keeping secrets. As with the story above, I’ve heard plenty of other stories of unsafe people: There was the person who smuggled dope aboard their plane when they traveled abroad – without the partner’s knowledge. Someone just told me how their car was rear ended by someone who was talking on a cell phone. The man with the phone got out of the car and told my friend, “You made me drop my phone” (perhaps, he’s in the category of someone who thinks he has it all together). I once advised a woman to get out of a relationship with a controlling man. She did. But the woman who ended up marrying him, not knowing of the other woman’s experience, came to my office to tell me of her misery, due to marrying someone so controlling. (Stories have been slightly altered to insure confidentiality – except for the cell phone story!) Do you know anyone who is unsafe? If that person(s) is a close friend, do you have a plan to either leave the relationship or draw boundaries to create safety? Always stay safe! (The list above is from “Safe People,” by Cloud and Townsend.) And now for some comic relief:

“It is not God who hinders the healing of our land. Rather it is our apathy, our own unbelief, that keeps us from grasping the potential offered in the Gospel of Christ! Do not marvel when I say entire cities can be saved. The Scripture tells us that nations will come to our light and kings to the brightness of our rising!” (Isaiah 60:1-3) All We Lack is Christlikeness! “He then began to denounce the cities in which most of His miracles were done, because they did not repent” (Matt. 11:20). Jesus has a word to say, not only to us as individuals, but to entire cities as well. In anger He rebuked Chorazin, Bethsaida and Capernaum (Matt. 11:21); with tears, He cried out to Jerusalem (Luke 13:34). If He expected cities to repent in the first century, He expects cities today to repent as well. It was in this very context of reproving cities, however, that Jesus made a statement which unveiled the scope of God’s redemptive power. Listen to His rebuke, but also to its hidden promise. He said, “For if the miracles had occurred in Tyre and Sidon which occurred in you, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes” (Matt. 11:21). Tyre and Sidon were Gentile cities known for their debauchery and sin. Yet, Jesus said that His life, revealed in power, can bring even the vilest of cities, places which ought to be destroyed, to “sackcloth and ashes.” The strategy, therefore, to win our cities is for the church to reveal Christ’s life in power. Yes, the revelation of Christ in us as individuals, and the power of Christ displayed corporately through us, can turn our worst cities back toward God! Today, many cities are ripe for revival. What hinders the turning of the people’s hearts? Part of the answer lies with the church, with our sins of self-righteousness, indifference and unbelief. The Lord said if His people would humble themselves and pray, seek His face and turn from evil, He would then heal their land (see 2 Chron. 7:14). The future does not belong to the world; it belongs to the transformed church. Indeed, let us never forget: God “desires all men to be saved” (1 Tim. 2:4). With this in mind, Paul taught that entreaties and prayers should be made on behalf of all men, “for kings and all who are in authority” (1 Tim. 2:1-4). The sacrifice of Christ provides for the salvation of all men. Heaven waits only for the church to act. One may say, “But, that was then. Our cities are worse. They are beyond redemption.” Not so. Jesus continued His rebuke of cities, saying, “If the miracles had occurred in Sodom which occurred in you, it would have remained to this day” (Matt. 11:23). Amazingly, when Christ is manifested in power, Jesus said even Sodom could find repentance! I have heard many ministers compare Los Angeles or New York to Sodom. Good. These cities have seen hell, now let the church show them heaven. They need to see Jesus revealed in His church. The promise of Christ is that even Sodom could repent in the atmosphere and revelation of Christ’s power. If there is hope for Sodom, there is hope for your city as well! The Obstruction to Revival: Complacency When we picture cities, we tend to see skylines and factories, streets and schools. Jesus, however, sees people. He beholds husbands arguing with wives while their children tremble in fear. He sees drugs being sold on playgrounds and teenagers having abortions. He suffers at the bedside of the infirm. The heart of Christ grieves with the loneliness of the elderly and identifies with the struggles of the handicapped. Yes, the eyes of the Lord probe the spirit and humanity of the city. From His eternal perspective, He also beholds the most terrible event known to man. He sees the overwhelming horror, the utter despair an unsaved person experiences as he realizes he is, indeed, dead and going to hell. And, in the midst of it all, He sees the church—His church, purchased at the cost of His own precious blood—sitting comfortably and amused, remote control in hand, watching television. Jesus does not have a problem with the hot or cold dimensions of life. It is the lukewarm that He will spew from His mouth (Rev. 3:15-16). What stopped the cities of Chorazin, Bethsaida and Capernaum—communities that already had the blessing of Christ’s healing—from embracing ongoing renewal? They assumed Christ’s love was given only to enrich them. All they saw were the rewards of Christ without understanding His requirements. The church today is frighteningly similar in attitude to these ancient cities. The majority of the first century saints gave their lives to Christ with the full knowledge they would face persecution, suffering and, possibly, death for their faith. Such was the character and vision of the church in the first century. The main emphasis of much of our Christianity, however, is to help believers become “normal.” So much of our contemporary teaching keeps alive the very nature Jesus calls us to crucify! We need to reevaluate our preaching. Are we preaching the cross and the call to follow Jesus? What are we training our people to become? Please hear me, the Father’s goal is not merely to bless us, but to transform us into the image of His Son! He desires to use us to turn our cities back to Him. But God has made no provision for the healing of our land apart from us becoming Christlike! Once we realize this vital truth, we shall return to the source of New Testament Christianity, and our cities will have hope for redemption. When the church demonstrates the love and power of Christ, repentance and revival can occur even in a place like Sodom. Lord, forgive us for our unbelief and apathy. You have promised that even Sodom would come to You at the revelation of Your character and power. Transform us, Lord Jesus, for the sake of your glory and the renewal of our cities.

Teams are important because of synergy. Churches get people to give them money to create volunteer positions for them to fill. If you don’t know why something is working when it is working, you won’t know how to fix it when it breaks. But leaders are generally bad at evaluating things that work. Leaders tend to be good at evaluating problems. This is why church leaders tend to blame things that break on people rather than systems. You might not need a new youth pastor; you might need a new system. When you see something working well, ask, “Why is this working so well?” The reason things work well at churches is because of high performance teams. Regardless of the size of your ministry, you want and need high performance teams. You need action-oriented people who have extraordinary clarity around what are we doing, why are we doing it, and why are we doing it here? Irreducible Minimums for High Performance Teams #1 :: Select performance-oriented people and position them for maximum people. Recruit doers and not thinkers. If you have to choose between a doer and a thinker, choose a doer. It is much easier to educate a doer than it is to activate a thinker. Jim Collins says, “If you have the right people on the bus, the problem of how to motivate people largely goes away.” Great vision without great people is irrelevant. Put people where they can create their greatest contribution. Albert Einstein says, “Everyone is a genius, but But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” You’ve got to figure out a way within your organization to get the best people in the right roles. It usually takes bypassing the politics of who deserves the role by tenure. Everyone on the team needs to feel the interdependency of the team. Speak to your staff and volunteers so that they understand the interdependency. The senior pastor depends on the children’s ministry volunteers in order to do what he does. Every role is essential to the whole ministry. Interdependency won’t be felt unless key leaders makes people feel valued and that their roles are important. #2 :: Clarify the what and why. Performance oriented people like to win. You must clarify the win for every staff and volunteer position. When you clarify the win, it becomes the magnetic north for the energy and get-it-done doers of the organization. When you don’t define the win, each individual will define it for themselves. Teams dissolve when the problems are all solved. Conversations about change don’t begin around conversations about the problems. Conversations about change begin around conversations about a common goal. You have to organize to the what. Once you clarify the win/what, you must create an organization where all of the resources are allocated to that win. Don’t force your staff and volunteers to have to work around what your organization was structured for. Nothing frustrates high energy people more than having to do work arounds. The lion’s share of your time and money must go to getting critical mass. #3 :: Orchestrate and evaluate everything. Orchestrate means this is how we don it here until further notified. Great teams never depend on individual thinking and creativity. Great teams know exactly what the play is when it is called. Linebackers don’t get creative except when in trouble. Orchestration is the elimination of discretion. High performance teams stick with the playbook. Orchestration brings consistency and predictability to all of your processes. Orchestration will make your organization seem more personal. Evaluate everything. Create a feedback loop. As a leader you must stay close to critical events, or you will default to numbers, which get exaggerated. Figure out how to get close to key events in your church. Has your organizational growth pushes you so far back that all you see is numbers? Numbers are never accurate. See it for yourself as often as possible, and create meetings in between to learn more than numbers. What you are doing is so important. Notes created by Kent Shaffer from Catalyst Conference 2012. Used by permission of Kent Shaffer, www.churchrelevance.com.

Do you or your child experience ADD or ADHD symptoms? What are the most common? A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one’s goals (regardless of how much one has accomplished) that often creates anxiety and sense of failure for the individual. Difficulty getting organized, particularly with situations that involve multi-tasking. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started with even small projects or tasks. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow-through on any of them individually. Tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark. An ongoing search for high stimulation. A tendency to be easily bored with a short attention span. Easy distractibility, trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or a conversation, often coupled with an ability to focus at times. Often creative, intuitive and highly intelligent. Individuals can exhibit innovation. Trouble going through established channels, following proper procedure. Impatient; low tolerance for frustration or failure. Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as in impulsive spending of money, changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans, and the like. Tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about alternating with inattention to or disregard for actual dangers. Sense of impending doom, insecurity, alternating with high risk-taking. Depression, especially when disengaged from a project. Restlessness. Tendency toward addictive behavior. Chronic problems with self-esteem. Inaccurate self-observation. Family history of ADD, manic-depressive illness, depression, substance abuse, or other disorders of impulse control or mood. Causes of ADD and ADHD ADHD is believed to be inherited. ADHD is two to three times as likely to be diagnosed in boys as girls. The actual cause of ADD is unknown, but it is probably associated with subtle differences in brain structure, its neural pathways, its chemistry, its blood supply, or its electrical system. Regardless of the cause, ADD or ADHD can be disruptive in the life of the individual. Child and adolescents particularly report not only difficulty dealing with daily activities, but sensing a deep frustration that only serves to exacerbate the already tough symptoms. Many people report personal duress, confusion and discouragement over their behaviors. They often recognize the problematic nature of their behaviors, their inability to control their behaviors and the impact of their behaviors of their environment. Many carry a sense of guilt over their inability to control these behaviors, feeling that they are somehow inadequate, stupid or retarded. Often self-esteem becomes an issue. What You Can Do ADD and ADHD can be managed. Seek a qualified therapist who can assist you or your child in building effective coping skills. Develop structure within the home and school environment to assist the child in better managing behaviors. Explore issues such as adequate sleep, nutrition, structured study and recreation as well as regular exercise. If the symptoms are significant, consider the possibility of medications to assist the person/child in further managing their behaviors. Dr. Julie Barrier says: “For the Christian, quiet meditation, prayer and Scripture memory can assist in slowing down the racing brain. Focusing on God’s will for one’s life and channeling the purpose and passion God created within oneself will harness creative energy. The discipline of fasting can also help. Remember, there is hope!” Recommended Reading: Dr. Edward M. Hallowell and Dr. John J. Ratey, Driven to Distraction ( New York: Simon and Schuster, 1995) This information is presented for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for informed medical advice or training. Consult a professional.

1. Porn causes men to feel like they “need” sex. The journal Human Brain Mapping published a study demonstrating that while many men and women have similar regions of the brain activated during the viewing of porn, only in men is there a significant activation of the thalamus and hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is responsible for primary drives for food, water, and sex, as well as motivation and hormonal control. This means, when men get turned on by porn, their bodies experience sexual arousal not just as a desire but as a survival need (even though, unlike water, men will not die if they don’t have sex). 2. Male brains don’t just view porn. They enter into it. The journal NeuroImage published a study demonstrating that as men are sexually aroused by pornography, the mirror neurons in the brain also fire. This means the brain naturally imagines the porn viewer in the scene. The man is not merely responding to the naked woman. His brain is mirroring the pornographic scene with the viewer as the main character, heightening arousal. 3. Porn gives men a new standard of beauty. According to the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, when men are shown pictures of centerfold models from Playboy and Penthouse, this significantly lowered their judgements about the attractiveness of “average” people. 4. Porn dampens a man’s ability to think straight. The Journal of Behavioral Decision Making published a study showing that as a result of viewing porn, men are more likely to find a wider range of sexual activity exciting, more likely to engage in morally questionable behavior, and more likely want to engage in unsafe sex. 5. The more porn men watch, the more their brains look like an addict’s brain. Cambridge Neuropsychiatrist Valerie Voon discovered that the brains of habitual porn users show great similarity to the brains of alcoholics. When a self-confessed porn addict sees a pornographic image, a brain structure called the ventral striatum “lights up” in the same way it lights up for an alcoholic who sees a picture of a drink. 6. Viewing porn over time makes men lose self-control. By using more and more porn, the viewer’s brain begins to change as a result. Dr. William Struthers demonstrates that viewing pornography and masturbating weakens the singular cortex—the region that is responsible for moral and ethical decision making and willpower. 7. Porn makes violence sexy. According to research by Dr. Dolf Zillmann and Dr. Jennings Bryant, the more porn one is exposed to, the more likely one is willing to trivialize rape. After just five hours of pornographic exposure stretched over a six-week period, subjects were willing to cut the sentencing of an accused rapist in half, compared to those who had not watched pornography. Those who watched more porn were also likely to believe that practices like sadomasochism were two to three times more common (i.e. “normal”) in general society than those who had not seen porn. www.covenanteyes.com . Used by permission.

Rape is one of the most traumatic experiences a person can endure. Rape and violent death are among the experiences many women fear most. Sexual assault is a very complex type of violence. It leaves the victim with more dilemmas than just the physical and emotional aspects. It also produces a crisis of faith that must be addressed if the survivor is to continue to work through the recovery process. Carol Adams, in her book, “I Just Raped My Wife,” suggests three qualities of the pastoral counselor that are essential when survivors disclose their experiences: The ability to process information about the dehumanizing violence enacted by one person against another. The ability to process information about the dehumanizing violence enacted by one person against another. The ability to provide practical assistance. The ability to reflect theologically. More importantly through, these three characteristics must be balanced. If any of these aspects become disproportionate to the others then there is the danger that certain areas of the survivor’s care will be neglected. Adams further suggests three components of a pastoral counseling model to survivors of sexual assault. Care: The pastor/counselor can say “I am sorry this has happened to you.” The survivor can be assisted in grieving the lost of safety and security. The pastoral counselor can validate the feelings of the survivor. Concern for safety: The pastor/counselor can take practical steps to ensure the safely and feeling of security for the survivor. Empowerment: The pastor/counselor can offer assurance that it is possible to reestablish control over life. By posing questions to the survivor such as “What can I do?” The pastoral counselor can empower the survivor to make decisions. The problems of the survivors of sexual assault may be complex, however the role of the pastor/counselor cannot be over-stressed. Survivors are going to need someone who can be trusted, someone who makes them feel safe. Survivors also need someone to help them interpret what they have just experienced. This is perhaps one of the fundamental aspects that need to be addressed in order for the survivor to cope with the assault and begin to recover. In addition, the church can offer invaluable ministry to the survivor in the way of understanding, acceptance, and support. Prayer and personal affirmation help heal deep wounds. Vining, Dr. John Kie (1997) When Home Is Where the Hurt Is: A Ministry Guide for Trauma Victims, http://www.marriagecomission.com/ pp. 162, 198-199. Adams, Carol, J. (1993) “I Just Raped My Wife!” Transforming a Rape Culture eds. Emilie Buchwald, Pamela R. Fletcher, Martha Roth, Minneapolis: Milkweed Editions.