Dear Roger, What do you think about gay marriage? I’d like your take on the issue. Sincerely, The Many Who Have Asked Me About Gay Marriage Dear The Many Who Have Asked Me About Gay Marriage, First, let me say that my wife Julie and I disagree about some of the things that I intend to share. That’s okay. There are many ways to look at this issue. She thinks one way; I think another way; and we both think we’re right. These are the eight perspectives from which I look at this important, charged topic. 1. Jesus Never Wavered from His Top Priority “I came to seek and to save those who were lost.” “The good shepherd loves his sheep and gives up his life for them.” “The good shepherd leaves behind his 99 lambs in order to search for one that was lost.” “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” We must remember that winning gay couples to Christ is more important to Jesus than whether or not the law of any land allows them to marry. 2. JESUS NEVER ALLOWED CURRENT-DAY POLITICAL ISSUES TO DISTRACT HIM FROM HIS MAIN MISSION You would think that with one-third of the people in Jesus's day enslaved, he would have something to say about slavery. But he never mentioned it. This in no way means that we should avoid the political arena. It does mean that when we enter the political arena nothing may take precedence over saving lost souls. Why? Because Jesus told us so. In fact, he told the people to “give to Caesar what was Caesar’s, and to God what was God’s.” Instead of encouraging his followers to overcome the evil government, he encouraged them to pay taxes to it. It does mean that when we do enter the political arena, we must be careful. Circumstances may demand that we enter the political arena and fight for those in danger. “Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, “Behold, we did not know this,” does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, and will he not repay man according to his work?”  ( Proverbs 24:11-12 ). So we battle against abortion in every arena possible to stop the murder factories killing children in America. We fight for those who can’t fight for themselves. Pedophiles need to be in prison. They are never cured. Once out of prison, statistics show that most return to their pedophilia within weeks, or months. Laws are needed to deal with issues like these. Who could ever have imagined that Boy Scouts would allow gay male Scout leaders? Some battles are worth fighting in the public arena. Some battles are just distractions. May Christians have wisdom to know the difference. Jesus spoke harshly to the legalistic, judgmental Pharisees: “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites.... You serpents, you brood of vipers, how are you to escape being sentenced to hell... You blind men!... You shut the kingdom of  heaven  against man; for you neither enter yourselves, nor allow those who would enter to go in.” ( Matthew Chapter 23 ).  If we are not careful, we pastors and church leaders can become “ministers of condemnation." The trend is downhill. George Barna’s research reveals that 78% of Americans surveyed think that the evangelical Christian church is the most judgmental segment of American society. There's nothing wrong with preaching about the reality of judgment as long as we’re doing it with broken hearts. How often I hear Christians speak strongly against folks who are gay with words somewhat like these: "I hate the sin, but I love the sinner." I don't believe you. That doesn’t fool anybody. It’s hard to love someone you don’t even know. I love and admire Jeff Jones's instructions to his staff at Chase Oaks Church: "You may not enter into the gay marriage discussion until you know at least one homosexual as a friend." I was speaking on homosexuality to an adult  Bible  study. At one point several people got on their high horses, and began to express their intolerance for gay people. As they saw it, homosexuality was a choice and those involved could choose to unchoose it if they wanted. I glanced at a woman who was crying quietly near the back of the room. "You're hurting, aren't you?" "My youngest son is gay." No one said a word. To criticize in the theoretical abstract is easy. It is quite different when it's your own son or daughter or a person you know, or the child of someone you know. I recall sitting in a staff meeting when one of our pastors' wives began talking about homosexuality. She made it quite clear that "those people" needed to be judged, condemned, and obliterated by the wrath of God as described in  Romans chapter six . Her husband sat quietly, not looking at his wife. She finally finished. He said, "My college roommate was gay." She quickly changed her tune... but it was too late. 4. IT’S TIME TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SOME MEDICAL DATA - GENETICS, RESEARCH, AND ANATOMY - SUGGEST THE NATURAL VULNERABILITY OF SOME TO HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR Scientific research is producing more evidence that the gay attraction may very well be hard wired into both the anatomical and chemical makeup of some brains. The anatomy of the homosexual brain is slightly different from heterosexual brain. For example, the hypothalamus of the homosexual brain is about 2/3 the size of a heterosexual one. The thickness of the Corpus Callosum, a web of neurological bundles that send interacting signals between the left and right sides of the brain, for homosexuals is midway in size between heterosexual male and female sizes. The tendency to be homosexual or heterosexual is influenced by the amount of testosterone produced in mother's womb during pregnancy. With each succeeding male child, mom produces less and less testosterone. This means that the third-born male with a genetic disposition to homosexuality has a slightly increased chance of becoming a homosexual—3% to 4%. As a general rule, each successive son born to mom statistically has less birth weight than the brothers born earlier. There is a direct correlation between low-birth weight and the propensity toward homosexuality.  By the way, males can get an approximate value of the amount of testosterone present in mother’s womb during their prenatal days by measuring the proportionate size between their ring and index fingers. The shorter the index finger is in proportion to the ring finger, the less testosterone was mother's womb—and the more tendency to be effeminate. Don't get me wrong. Homosexual behavior is a sin at any level. To those with homosexual leanings, God says, “Control yourself!” No one can close the spiritual gap from where they are to an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ while acting out homosexual behavior. Neither can heterosexuals who are involved in sexual behaviors outside of marriage. God says to them as well, “Control yourself!” We will never close the spiritual gap from where we are, to an intimate relationship with Christ while involved in heterosexual or homosexual behaviors outside of marriage. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7 Paul discussed the positive aspects of singleness. It is not a sin to have gay or lesbian feelings. It is a sin, according to Paul, to act upon them (the celibate lifestyle is not impossible. Many singles and church leaders have practiced it well for the glory of God). 5. FIGHTING AMONGST OURSELVES CERTAINLY DOESN’T HELP Paul:  “But I brethren, could not address you as spiritual men, but as babes in Christ.... For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not behaving like children?” ( 1 Corinthians 3:1-3 ). Jesus:  “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another by this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have one love for one another” ( John 3:34-35 ). When I was a young pastor, my wife and I attended the Southern Baptist denomination annual meeting in Houston. There was a lot of controversy that year between the Conservatives and the Liberals. During the program time shouting and pushing broke out. Julie and I swore that we'd never go back again. The sight of Christians pushing and shoving was ugly. It's always ugly and unattractive when Christians fight. Why in the world would anyone want to spend time with people who often fight with each other? I often ask two questions when I'm teaching a group. “How many of you came to Christ because you were afraid of going to hell (God’s judgment)?” A few hands raise. Then I ask, "How many of you were loved into the kingdom by someone’s compassion, care and attention?" The rest of the hands go up. Please note that there is no yelling or condemnation recommended by Jesus. The only critical yelling he did was announcing "ten woes" to the Pharisees. Our marching orders are to love our neighbors including the Lost, which includes the sinners, gays, drunkards, adulterers and thieves. 7. STILL, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE TALK ABOUT LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE, GOD'S WRATH COMES STRONGLY INTO PLAY Compassion and wrath intertwine at the cross. John 3:18  is the judgment: “He who believes in Jesus is not condemned; he who does not believe is condemned already: because he has not believed in the name of the only son of God.” John 3:16-17  is the love: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God sent his son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him." Romans chapter one  gives a graphic picture of a society caught up in every known act of sin and debauchery. Those who practice homosexuality appear to top the list. In a downward spiral of the wrath of God, Paul tells us how God gave them over to sexual impurity, shameful lusts and depraved minds. Those involved in these despicable actions are under the wrath of God. There can be little doubt that our United States is now experiencing the wrath of God. We don't need to wait for bombs and war to experience his wrath. There is a time when God finally removes Himself from a society and abandons it to its own degradation and sin. We are experiencing his wrath in the devolution of the values, morals and activities of our present culture. Paul observed in  Romans 1:24-27 : "Therefore, God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. …Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." "Sinful desires" is the Greek word,  Epithumia , which described a "reaching out after pleasure that defies all reason." It's like Paul was saying, "What in the world are they doing?" Paul also avoided using the normal word for “women” and chooses to use the word for a female animal ( thelus ). He also avoided using the normal word for male ( anthropos  or  aner ) and chooses to use the word for a male animal ( arosen ). Paul pictured a society which turned their backs on God, who turned them loose to act like animals. What do we do for the individuals now living in the throes of God's wrath? We remember that our top priority is to love them into the kingdom where their sins are forgiven and their hearts are turned toward God. 8. "Who Left the Barn Door Open?" Regarding gay marriage as law, the horse is out of the barn. We lost. Oh, there will still be some skirmishes here and there across the country, but for all practical purposes the struggle is over and we came in second. Instead of standing in judgment and waiting for people to burn, we'd best do our best to help those under God's wrath come into the kingdom. We do it with love, not by yelling and calling them names. The best we can do is to pray earnestly and once again become the people who love God and love each other in hopes of reaching lost hearts. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, What about reincarnation? Please support with Bible passage. From, James Dear James, Reincarnation is foreign to the Bible. In fact, the Bible teaches just the opposite. Hebrews 9:27 declares: “It is appointed unto men once to die and after that comes judgment." The essence of reincarnation is that we come back for many lives. Among other things, this allows us to avoid the reality of facing God in judgment for our behaviors. Hinduism, Buddhism, segments of the New Age Movement and a host of other Eastern religions are becoming more and more popular in the United States. With that popularity comes increasing exposure to the teaching of reincarnation. The concept of reincarnation is not difficult to understand once we consider how Westerners and Easterners conceive of time. Those in the West see time as linear. We are born and time goes by and we die. Time continues on in a linear fashion from past to present to future. In Eastern cultures time is circular. What comes around goes around. Circular time comes from observing the cycles of earth. The four seasons occur and then they return again and again. Crops are planted, they grow, are harvested and the cycle once again commences. So, when you think about it, reincarnation is just a reflection of circular time. We are born and die and then cycle around again and again. Reincarnation teaches that the present life forms—from insects to humans—are a direct reflection of several factors such as how well we behaved in previous lives, and the amount of good or bad karma we have. The better we were, and the more good Karma, the farther up the food chain we return. Hindus refrain from eating beef because the cow may be a friend or relative from a past life. The great number of Christians harboring reincarnation views continues to astound me. The song, "Highway Man" sung by Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Kris Kristopherson and Johnny Cash was a national hit. Several of these country artists were professed Christians. Yet, their song explains and makes reincarnation seem like Biblical truth. It is not Biblical nor is it truth. Just for fun, I'll share the lyrics of "Highway Man". I wish you could hear the enticing, rhythmic music. It is a catchy tune. Whenever I hear myself humming it I remind myself that this song is spirit inspired--just not the Holy Spirit. "I was a highway man, along the coach roads I did ride - with sword and pistol by my side.  Many a young maid lost her baubles to my trade - Many a soldier shed his blood upon my blade. The master called me in the Spring of '25 - But, I am still alive." "I was a sailor, I was born upon the tide - with the sea I did abide.  I sailed a schooner round the Horn to Mexico.  I went aloft and unfurled the mainsail in a blow- and when the yard broke off they said that I got killed.  But, I am livin' still." "I was a dam builder - across a river deep and wide where steel and water did collide - A place called on the wild Colorado.  I slipped and fell onto the concrete below.  They buried me in that great tomb that knows no sound --but I am still around." "I'll always be around, around, and around, and around, and around." "I fly a starship across the universe divide - and when I reach the other side, I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can.  Perhaps I may become a highway man again.  Or I may simply be a single drop of rain.  But I will remain."I'll be back again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again." From a Biblical perspective, the only problem with the lyrics is that they aren't true. The Bible teaches that we want to be born twice--once physically and once spiritually. However, we want only one death--the physical one. We don't want to experience what the Bible calls the "second death," which is being cast into the Lake of Fire. Come to Jesus and avoid the second death (John 1:12; 3:14-18). Read Revelation 2:11; 20:6 and14; and 21:4, 8. Why might some believe in reincarnation?  We have already mentioned circular time. Another reason is that the Bible teaches that there are evil spirits (“familiar spirits”) who have been around for centuries. These spirits know intimately the lives of others down through the centuries and may influence present-day people with thoughts, emotions, and experiences of people who are long dead. These deceived people begin to believe that they have existed in previous lives and that the thoughts and emotions of others are really theirs. Another reason is that our brains are capable of connecting all sorts of our present and past events and then melting them together in ways that make us think we have lived certain situations and events before. Reincarnation is the ultimate déjà vous . When General Patton arrived on the Carthaginian battlefield he observed, "I have been to this battlefield before. I fought here with the Romans.” Unfortunately, Patton was deceived. We only get one life. My belief is that his brain was playing déjà vous tricks on him. Sylvester Stallone once related that in a previous life he was a Central American monkey. If that is true then we have further evidence for both evolution and reincarnation--just kidding. Well, James, I hope you find my answer helpful. I really appreciate your asking. Love, Roger

Here is an enlightening answer to a seldom-studied character in the Bible: Job. The book of Job is a profound work on human suffering, worthy of a lifetime of study and reflection. But was Job himself a real, historical character (like John Bunyan), or is Job a mythic legend (like Paul Bunyan)? And does it really matter in the end that he was — fact or folklore? The question comes to us from Lori. “Dear Pastor John, I have enjoyed your messages on the  book of Job . Recently, I was at a memorial service at a Reformed church in which the pastor said Job was a fictitious character. The lessons of the book, he said, are still helpful. But what do you think? Was Job a real person or not? Why or why not? And do you think it matters?” Fact or Fiction? Yes, if I heard my pastor make the confident statement that Job was a fictitious character, I would seriously consider finding another church. (Now, I want to be sure here that I’m not assuming that Lori got it right — that she’s really quoting her pastor accurately. She may not be.) I say that I would consider finding another church not because the pastor’s statement can’t be true and the Bible still be infallible. I say it because there are no grounds for being dogmatic that Job is fictitious. That’s my first reason. “If I heard my pastor make the confident statement that Job was fictitious, I would seriously consider finding another church.” My second reason is that the inclination to take the book as fiction with a moral truth betrays a mental leaning that I think throws the pastor’s biases into question. That’s the way I would put it for myself. I’d say his biases are leaning in the wrong direction. That’s my concern. Now, are there good reasons for taking the book of Job as an accurate account of events that really happened, or do we just say, “Well, it’s a draw”? I read some commentators who said, “It’s just a draw. We don’t know if it’s a parable or if it’s history. It doesn’t matter,” they say. Let me give three reasons for taking the story as real history rather than a parable with good morals and good theology. Man from Uz First, take the way the book opens: “There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job” (Job 1:1). Now compare that with the beginning of Judges 17:1, which begins a story: “There was a man of the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Micah.” Or compare it to the beginning of 1 Samuel: “There was a certain man of Ramathaim-zophim of the hill country of Ephraim whose name was Elkanah” (1 Samuel 1:1). Now, one of the ways to assess whether a piece of writing is history or whether it bears the traits of fiction would be to compare how the books are written. The fact that Job begins the way those chapters begin, which are not presented as parable or fiction, is at least one pointer to the way readers would have taken it as they began to read this book. They would have taken it the way they took Judges or 1 Samuel — as an account of things that really happened. That’s my first argument. Linked to History Second, in Ezekiel 14:12–20, where the prophet is showing how helpless Jerusalem is under God’s judgment because of how much immorality there is in the land, it says this: And the word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, when a land sins against me by acting faithlessly, and I stretch out my hand against it and break its supply of bread and send famine upon it, and cut off from it man and beast, even if these three men, Noah, Daniel, and Job, were in it, they would deliver but their own lives by their righteousness. . . . Or if I send a pestilence into that land and pour out my wrath upon it with blood, to cut off from it man and beast, even if Noah, Daniel, and Job were in it, as I live, declares the Lord God, they would deliver neither son nor daughter. They would deliver but their own lives by their righteousness.” (Ezekiel 14:12–14, 19–20) Now, I know that there are more or less conservative scholars who say that these names — Noah, Daniel, and Job — are mentioned here not because they’re historical, but because they’re all eminently righteous in the books that tell their story. Nevertheless, the case of Jerusalem is so bad that this writer, Ezekiel, chooses three people, two of which are manifestly historical, and the other we would presume is historical. Think with me as we notice two things. Noah and Daniel are unmistakably historical. The Bible does not treat them as fictional ever, and Job is listed with them with no distinction made at all. That would be really strange if Job were not like them historically. Here’s the second thing to observe: Ezekiel entertains the hypothetical possibility that Noah and Daniel and Job might be “in the land.” It is a real stretch to think he is saying Noah and Daniel, the historical persons, might be in the land as real people, but Job has to be thought of as in the land in a totally different way. In other words, it just seems to me that we would need very strong reasons to think Job is fictional if we’re going to take Ezekiel 14:14 and 19 in such an unnatural way. Two historical figures and one fictional functioning in the same way? I doubt it. Testified by James Here’s the last point. In James 5:10–11, James says this: As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful. “The readiness to treat the book as fictional signifies a mindset that leans more easily toward critical trends than I think is healthy.” Now, again, there are those who say, “This proves nothing about Job’s historical reality. He’s just being used as a fictional character the way we might use Shakespeare’s Hamlet as an example of tragic indecision, for example.” Job, they say, is being used as an example of perseverance. Really? I mean, James says, “Take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job.” He’s not speaking about Job in a vacuum. He’s treating Job like one of the prophets. He’s putting him in the category with others in history who remained steadfast. Why It Matters I would say that we have at least these three lines of evidence that Job is historical: (1) the internal similarity to some of the other historical works, (2) the treatment of Job in Ezekiel, and (3) the treatment of Job in James. Then Lori asks, “Do you think it matters?” Of course, fiction can teach real flesh-and-blood truth. The parables of Jesus do that. It’s not wrong to write fiction to communicate truth. So it’s not as though the theology of Job would have to be sacrificed if the book were inspired fiction. But I would say it matters for other reasons. Given the way Ezekiel and James treat the book and the person of Job, the readiness to treat the book and the man as fictional signifies a kind of mindset, a kind of soul inclination, which leans more easily toward critical trends than I think is healthy. That would be a concern to me. https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/was-job-a-man-or-a-myth

Dear Roger, From the time I was about 7 until I was a teenager my step dad (who married my mom when I was 6 months old) sexually abused me. He also, at times, was verbally abusive. Even though I grew up abused I felt I was in a normal childhood. I never knew anything else. My mom was incredible but I sometimes feel she should have known want was happening. My mom passed away several years ago, and left a note to my sister and I and asked us to be good to our dad because he loved us. How could he? I tried to forgive, I can’t. I know the Bible says we need to forgive, but how? Anonymous Dear Anonymous, My heart aches as I read your tale of navigating the horrors sexual and verbal abuse. You are articulate about your experience, almost sounding detached, until the pain of betrayal—by both mom and step dad leaked out—and then I knew otherwise. My guess is that you haven’t sought counseling; but, even if you have, complete healing has not yet occurred as evidenced by the continuing bitterness and lack of forgiveness that still haunts you. In my experience sexual abuse, childhood abandonment and/or neglect are the “big three” that need special counseling attention. Most life issues can be addressed by a competent counselor—except these three. Only an expert with much wisdom, experience, and spiritual sensitivity can help you navigate the treacherous water to safety. Several years ago one of our counselors and I surveyed a women’s Bible class of over 100 women of our church and were shocked by the results of our informal survey. Fully 42% of the women in the room reported some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18. Unfortunately, your experience is not unusual. Some leading authorities believe 1 in 10 families is involved in incestuous abuse (Personally, I find that number rather high. But whatever it is, it is way too high—especially if you are the one being abused.). Researchers estimate that for every case of incest that is reported, at least 25 cases remain hidden. 9% of American men were sexually abused as children. This trend is increasing. 16% of American boys will be sexually misused before high school. Who can begin to count the buckets of tears shed by children (and adults) who were abused by those who should have loved them the most? Only God knows how many are mired today in emotional distress because of the traumas of their childhoods. Fortunately, all is not lost. With the proper care I believe you can find complete healing—and peace. I have heard abuse victims relate many different strategies they utilized to handle the conflicting emotions, mental onslaughts, and pains of childhood abuse. Most try to escape reality. Some invent imaginary worlds where all is well. Many begin to neglect personal looks and hygiene, often subconsciously, to make themselves unattractive to boys (men) because of their fear of ever again trusting a male or having a relationship with one. Acting out is common. I counseled one girl who was abused during her high school years. In college she became quite accomplished at the sport of fencing. She told me that one of the ways she stuck back at men was to occasionally aim low at a male opponent’s private parts. Unfortunately, most of the abused eventually begin to feel guilty about what happened to them. Of course, this is false guilt. In reality, the sexually abused are the victims of crimes. Whenever I preach on this subject the church building is eerily silent. Not only because sexual abuse is such a “heavy” subject; but because some fathers and step-fathers are seated beside their victims. Unfortunately, I know dads who are in prison and others who’ve committed suicide rather than face their own pain and shame. They leave behind a trail of emotionally cut and bleeding people. By the way, the Bible is overrun by examples of sexual abuse. Abel was murdered by the physical abusing of his brother, Cain (Genesis 4). Jacob abused his wife, Leah (Genesis 29-30) Lot and his daughters engaged in incest (Genesis 19:6-8; 19:30-38). Jephthah committed premeditated murder by slaying his daughter (Judges 11:30-40). David was the victim of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse at the hands of King Saul (1 Samuel 18-26). David’s family was filled with rape and incest (2 Samuel 13) and massive neglect (1 Samuel 13-18). Sexual abuse is by far and away the most severe type of abuse. It goes to the psyche. I have always felt that if someone wanted to scar a child for life then sexual abuse is the way to do it. In many ways, the scars of sexual abuse never go away. A life has been sacrificed on the altar of another’s sinful motives and nasty behaviors. However, as we acknowledge the dastardliness of the crime, we find hope that through Jesus Christ, good counseling, and supporting friends and family, supernatural healing can occur. Healing is elusive but can be found. Sexual abuse victims struggle in multiple areas. First, simmering anger and bitterness are hard to cool down. The hurt to an abuse victim is merciless. Somebody has stolen their happiness; part of their lives is missing. They are angry because emotional paralysis does not allow them to function in a healthy manner. Many seethe because their abuser likely got away with it. Many are angry with God: Once I was counseling a young woman who spit out the question: “Where was Jesus Christ when I was being raped at 17?" I looked at her with compassion and said, “He was reliving His crucifixion. We live in a fallen world and you were betrayed by the very persons Jesus brought into your life to care for and protect your. In a fallen world people do dastardly things. Fortunately, Jesus is in the business of helping us pick up the pieces, get healed, and get on with our lives. Second, almost all victims feel responsible and guilty for the abuse. These feelings often result in tremendous shame. Children often believe that the abuse was their fault—because they did nothing to try to stop the abuse; because the abuse was sometimes pleasurable, because they feel special favors were received; or because they are so bad that they deserved the abuse. A child who has been sexually abused feels dirty, unworthy and ashamed—like damaged goods for life. Third, most grow up with damaged emotions and distorted self-images. They feel worthless, rejected, and insignificant. Fourth, trust in men is eroded way or nonexistent. Either consciously or subconsciously, all men are potential threats. Victims of incest perceive that their parents are not trustworthy. If other adults further abuse them, they may conclude that there are no adults who are trustworthy. If this cycle of abuse continues, the adult victim may become unable to develop trust in anyone. Fifth, they struggle with relationships especially if a relationship becomes too personal and intimate. It is common for victims to sabotage the relationships they desperately need. Their behavior, emanating from a rejection perspective, often insures even more rejection. Those married to abuse victims often feel that they are “walking on eggshells” around their spouse. I call these triggers. The triggers are often unknown to either partner; but when one is stepped on, the resulting explosion hurts everyone. I have dealt with women who have so buried their pain that it is not until their thirty’s or forty’s that the symptoms or pain finally ooze out to allow  the partners look inside and understand what is really happening and hopefully find spiritual and emotional healing. At the end of your letter, Anonymous, you spoke of your struggle to find healing and forgiveness. Jesus’ model for forgiveness worked well for Him. It will work just as well for us. First, Jesus mourned and received comfort: Matthew 26:37-38: “He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.’" Notice the pain and grief in His heart as He poured out anguish and sorrow. The reason He took the three disciples is because He needed their comfort in His hours of greatest need. Unfortunately, they fell asleep. Fortunately, angels came and comforted Him. The best healing comes when the people around us grieve with us and bring comfort to our souls. Thank God that when no one else is around, He has angels available to meet our deepest needs. Second, He understood the truth of what was happening. Luke 23:34: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Often we are the victims of people who just “don’t know what they are doing.” That does not mean that they are not responsible for their actions. However, sexual abuse at the hands of a step father means that the perpetrator is obviously “screwed up” mentally somehow. No one in his right mind would ruin a child’s life by a conscious choice if he or she had any sense whatsoever. Parents often hurt children with no idea of the pain inflicted. Often they are simply acting out their own pain and rejection—and sin. Remember, hurting people hurt people. While this in no way excuses them for their sin, at least it helps us put in perspective that those who abuse us are often sick—mentally, emotionally, and sinfully. Abusers are sick people. Third, Jesus forgave those who were abusing Him: Luke 23:34: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Notice all three steps are important; and the order is important. While these three steps often occur in a linear fashion, they more often occur concurrently until final healing is accomplished. The fact that you have not yet reached the point of forgiveness tells me that you have yet to complete the process of healing. Let me recommend that you spend time with your closest friends and ask them to mourn with you and grieve your hurt. Then, have them comfort you. Comfort is not encouragement, advice, explanations or reasons. If all they can do is reach out and hold you and say with truth and meaning, “I am so sorry,” you are on the way of healing. Next, spend some time rationally sorting out what really happened to you—including the sins and sinful motives of those who hurt you. It is easier to do this now that you are an adult. How we view things as adults is often quite different from how we perceived them as children. Finally, by a choice of your will, forgive them. This will not be hard if you have successfully completed the first two steps mentioned above. Forgiving is a process which may take months or years to properly mourn the loss and be comforted until the pain no longer hurts. It may take a long time to sort out the issues; but, the day will come. You will finally be free from the clutches of your abuser. By the way, forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay. It does not mean that what happened is forgotten. It especially does not mean that family members should excuse the wrong behavior because they are “family”. It does not mean that we should hide, or not talk about the abuse or shy away from conflict by not talking about the abuse. Forgiveness does not mean that if we "truly" forgive, we will "trust" each other implicitly. A sacred trust is broken, it takes time (often years) to rebuild trust with your abuser. Frankly, my experience is that such trust seldom is restored. In Romans 12 Paul encouraged us, “as much as it is possible, to be at peace with all people.” The implication here is that it is not always right or healthy to have a relationship with some people. Sometimes, relationships cannot be restored and that is OK. Should your abuser be exposed and held accountable for his or her actions? Most certainly, “Yes!” Every research available shows that an abuser will continue to repeat until the roots of their problems are uncovered and healed. If the abuser is the father or the stepfather of the abused, he must be separated from the home until he has been declared "safe" by those who are qualified to discern. Sometimes it may be necessary to confront the abuser. Unfortunately, this confrontation often results in more rejection and hurt because 80% of those confronted deny they did anything wrong. If he (or she) denies it, you might say, "You may deny it, but God and I both know you are guilty. I transfer to you all responsibility for what happened." In this case, reconciliation in this life is impossible. If he (or she) admits it, healing and reconciliation can perhaps occur. Sometimes it is not worth it to confront the abuser. Again, consider whether or not he or she would admit and take responsibility for what had happened? Would he or she stand the emotional pain that would come with a confession? Would he or she admit anything with the possibility of criminal charges and prison? If not, leave them with their guilt, shame, pain and seared conscience. You are not responsible for their healing or forgiveness before God. I wholeheartedly agree with the advice of many counselors to further healing by writing a letter to the one who victimized you, and then not send it. Another healing tactic is to pretend that your abuser is seated in an empty chair while you say everything you would like to if he or she were actually present. By the way, I often counsel those who choose this option to imagine that the abuser is chained tightly and silenced by a big piece of carpet tape so they no longer are a threat in any form or fashion. Some of you who are reading my answer to Anonymous are even now being sexually abused. To you I will make the following observations. The truth has to be exposed. We're dealing with a terrible sin and Satan wants to keep it hidden. Stopping the abuse and finding help only comes with exposure. There is no way to make exposing the sin comfortable. By the way, when a sexual abuser has been identified, he or she must be reported to the proper authorities. This is a requirement of law. All too often those being abused are in a Love-Hate situation. They “love their dad” and would hate to see him go to jail; but, he is responsible for his actions—and being a dad gives no right to abuse a child and scar them forever. We have talked long about you as the abused; but, what about your abuser? Jesus offers forgiveness if your abuser seeks it. If you are now sexually abusing some one, STOP IT and get help. You are a sick person. Get help now. Don’t ruin their life anymore. You have already done enough. One of the greatest obstacles to our emotional wholeness is the unfairness that the one who ruined our lives goes free. God promises that justice will eventually be done (ISAIAH 61:2). This is why you can forgive without surrendering justice. God will deal with him or her accordingly. Whether your abuser receives Christ or dies in sin, Almighty God will have the last word. Our Lord Jesus Christ is the all-time best healer of broken hearts. He healed the broken heart of the woman at the well who was on her sixth live-relationship in John 4. He forgave and restored the woman who was caught in the act of adultery in John 8. He so restored the prostitute Mary Magdalene that God granted her the privilege of being the first individual to see the open tomb and the resurrected Christ. In John 8 Jesus teaches that He is forever in the business of picking up our pieces and helping us to start over again. In Joel 2 God says that He can supernaturally restore again the years the “grasshoppers have eaten away.” None of us need be shacked in bondage any longer. In Isaiah 61:3 God comforts us by “replacing the ashes of our mourning with a crown of beauty”. During times of mourning, those in Biblical times often threw ashes on their heads as symbols of their pain and grief. You may have been sexually violated by a brother, father, friend, or someone you never saw before and will never see again. My heart grieves for you. I am so sorry for what happened. Life is not supposed to work our like that. But, we thank God for healing and restoration. Symbolically, you have ashes on your head; but Jesus Christ makes you beautiful. There is hope and good days ahead, even after abuse. Well, Anonymous, I hope that my answer is helpful to you. You are not alone; so many others have been injured like you. Many have found healing and I trust you will, too. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, The scriptures say to honor your mother and father. What if your parents are not the Godly examples they are supposed to be? (Divorced because of adultery (both), with one of them being an alcoholic. All while supporting one of them financially, so they do not end up on the street.) How can I honor either of them when I have no respect left for them? I pray for patience, kindness and understanding knowing how difficult marriage/relationships can be even for Christians, but I feel guilty all the time because I know that I cannot fulfill what God asks me to do here. Sincerely, L Dear L, Of course you are referring to the fifth of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). By the way, the two tablets have four commandments written on the first tablet and each has to do with man’s relationship with God. The second tablet has six commandments and each of these has to do with peoples’ relationships with each other. Honoring mom and dad is the first commandment on the second tablet. God’s concern here is for the ongoing functioning and security of the family unit. As the family goes, so goes a society. Cohesive family units center around mom and dad—their actions, morals, values and beliefs. As these are passed on to children, society itself remains strong and functional. This is what “so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” refers to—a strong familial foundation for the society and culture involved. God intends for mom and dad to care for their children with patience, instruction, discipline, correction and love as they imprint their values and prepare their children for life. Children then love and respect their parents and honor them accordingly. Biblically, you have the right to expect that you mother and father be parents of which you can be proud. For example, Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians12:14: “After all, children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.” It is such a shame that you are needing to care financially for one of your parents. God never intended for you to be in this position. When I was born, my mom and dad decided that one of their responsibilities was to put us children through college. So, they did. My dad said over and over, “You can have a summer job and make money then; but during the school year your job is to make “As”. Does it get any better than that? Hebrews 12:5-11 describes the loving concern with which a father trains, instructs, rebukes and encourages his children. God the Father is our fathers’ model. My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. My parents did just what God said. When it was time for disciplining correction for some of my “not the best” behaviors, my parents came down to my eye level and said, “I love you too much to let you get away with that sort of behavior. So, I am now going to … (at that point they told me the age-appropriate discipline they were going to administer) so that you’ll know never to act like that again.” Notice again the above mentioned result of proper discipline: “Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” I realize now that my parents were training us for a harvest of righteousness. Let me show you, according to Paul, what a good dad might look like. Paul’s qualifications for the “overseerers” or elders of the church are a good model for all dads: Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. … He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap (1 Timothy 3:2-7). According to the Bible Parents are to meet their children’s’ needs for appreciation, acceptance, approval, comfort, encouragement, respect and security—among other things. Can you imagine how easy it must be to honor parents like these! The word, “honor,” means to “to show respect for someone.” Holding someone in “high respect” means to esteem them. Esteem might describe the honor shown to a Nobel Laureate. From what you describe, you certainly can’t respect your mom and dad—and certainly not hold them in any sort of esteem. Unfortunately, God’s plan broke down in your case. I am really, really sorry. God designed something much better for your home than divorce because of both parents’ adultery, one parent’s alcoholism, and the other now needing your financial support. With all that being said, I think that the operative word for you is "grace". Give them grace. They don't deserve it. You can't respect them; they are not respectable. "Honor them" may mean that you extend mercy and grace to two people who may never deserve it—and you have done that by caring for them financially! You are honoring two parents who don’t deserve it. Please stop feeling guilty for thinking that you’re not honoring them! In your case honoring is not something you have to feel in your heart. Honor is shown by your actions. I want to commend you for making the best of a difficult situation. Every parent ought to have a son like you. Well done—and may God give you special grace to continue loving them as evidenced by your actions. This is the real meaning of honor. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, I want to grow up to be a spiritual person. What does a spiritual father or mother look like? How would I know one if I saw one? A concerned Christian Dear Concerned Christian, Spiritual mothers and fathers care for God’s flock while enjoying an intimate relationship with Jesus. This well-known story comes from the annals of World War II. It took place over fifty years ago; however, it is as this morning. Near the end of the war an American soldier was killed. Five of his comrades set out to bury him. They saw a little church down the road and asked to bury their friend in that little church graveyard. The priest asked, “Was your friend a Catholic?” “No.” “I'm really sorry, but this is a Catholic church and this is a Catholic graveyard.” Downhearted, they stepped just outside the fence, dug a grave, and laid their friend to rest. The next morning, they received orders to leave the area. They returned to the church for one parting farewell. But, they couldn't find the grave. Finally, they knocked on the door and said to the priest, “We know we buried our buddy over here outside the fence, but we can't find his grave. Can you help us?” The priest replied, “I sat up the first part of the night feeling sorry for what I said to you. I spend the second part of the night moving the fence.” Spiritual mothers and fathers have a marvelous way of moving all the fences, and making us one. There is no secret for becoming a spiritual mother or father. When new Christians ask what comes next we often answer, “Well, you need to go to church, read your Bible and pray.” That sounds so trite! But, it’s not! In prayer we talk to God. In the Bible God speaks to us. In church we interact with God’s people. Spiritual father and motherhood can only flourish with a balanced dose of all three. In addition, we must have a desire that transcends all others. A.W. Tozer wrote, “Every man or woman is just as spiritual as he or she wants to be.” No one becomes a spiritual father or mother by osmosis or accident. “Dear Father, I want to become a spiritual father or mother at any price.” That is one prayer God guarantees He will answer. Lest we think too highly of ourselves, we must understand that other stages come first. We are reborn as infants, grown into childhood, survive spiritual adolescence and finally become spiritual fathers and mothers. In my experience (with several exceptions) maturing as a spiritual father or mother takes at least twenty to twenty-five years. (For those so inclined, I have listed some of the characteristics of each of the first three spiritual levels at the end of this teaching.) Now is the time to grow up. Let me share from a Biblical perspective just what father and motherhood looks like. Spiritual Parents Partner With Jesus In The Care And Nurturing Of Others. Jesus used many metaphors to describe Himself. But, He loved best to think of Himself as a shepherd. The crowds in Galilee reminded Him of sheep without a shepherd. He was sent to save the lost sheep of the house of Israel. He pictured Himself one day separating sheep from goats. He said, “I know every sheep by name.” He declared, “The Good Shepherd lays down His life for the sheep” (John 10:11). Jesus chose to give this same title of “shepherd” to Peter when He commissioned him to establish the church: “Feed my lambs . . . Tend my sheep . . . Feed my sheep” (John 21:15-17). The history of the Christian church began with Jesus saying to the leader who was to head up the work of disciplining the nations: “I am a shepherd, you be a shepherd, too.” As we spiritually mature, we join with Jesus in shepherding those under our already under our care and in searching for the lost sheep who aren’t. Mothers and fathers feed children the Word of God. We teach them basic Christian doctrines. We teach morals and values and character development. We model how to pray, fast, worship, study the Bible, and confess sins. We help our spiritual children discover their spiritual gifts. We help them discern the will of God. Spiritual mothers and fathers prepare their children for spiritual life. If the job is done right, spiritual parents soon have spiritual grandchildren! Paul wrote: “We were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well” (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8). Not only do spiritual parents care for spiritual children, they open up and share their lives as well. You see, if all we do is share the Word, then we share only one-half of the message. Spiritual Mothers And Fathers Guide Lost Sheep To Salvation. This Is The Essence Of Evangelism. By definition, mothers and fathers are those who have given birth to children. This is evangelism. Spiritual fathers and mothers lead people to Christ. In addition, some find Christ by reading the Bible. Some surrender after hearing the gospel on the radio or television—or from a friend who has recently found Christ. Sadly, too many are abandoned by those who lead them to Christ. These orphans need adoption. Who better to adopt than spiritual mothers and fathers. “Hinds Feet on High Places ” by Hannah Hurnard is an allegory of spiritual maturity about a young girl named Much Afraid, who lived in the Valley of Humiliation with her family, the Fearings. She wanted to travel to the spiritual High Places and to experience the true love of the Shepherd. Unfortunately, she had crooked feet and a twisted mouth. Her chances of a successful journey were small. Besides, her cousins Craven Fear, Bitterness, Spiteful, Gloomy, and even her Aunt Dismal Forebodings, had their hearts set on preventing her journey. However, the call of the Shepherd was strong. In a moment of supreme courage, aided by other Christ-followers, she ran to find the Shepherd. Because of her twisted, crippled feet, the Shepherd provided two companions to help her over the rough spots. First, the Shepherd introduced her to Suffering. Much Afraid touched Suffering’s hand. It was cold, and she pulled back, saying, “I don’t want her.” “The other companion I have selected for you is Sorrow,” Much Afraid reached out and touched the hand of Sorrow. It was also cold. She pulled back again and said, “I don’t want her either!” The Shepherd replied, “Suffering and Sorrow are the guides best able to lead you to the High Places.” So, with their help, Much Afraid began her journey. When she finally reached the High Places, her twisted mouth was straightened and her crippled feet were straightened. She leapt like a hind—a deer—through the spiritual High Places with Christ. Sorrow was transformed into Joy; Suffering was transformed into Peace. Much Afraid was transformed into Grace and Glory. Near the end of the book, Grace and Glory looked down at the Valley of Humiliation far below. She thought about her family living in misery. They needed the Shepherd too! She began to weep, asking Joy and Peace, “What about my family? What will become of them? Who will go and help them?” Joy replied, “If the Shepherd can turn Sorrow into Joy, Suffering into Peace, and Much Afraid into Grace and Glory, then the Shepherd can transform Dismal Foreboding into Praise and Thanksgiving. He can do a marvelous work with Craven Fear, Spiteful, Gloomy, and all the other cousins you have down there.” “But who will go? Who is going to tell them?” Immediately, the Shepherd was at her side. She turned to the Shepherd and began to plead, “Can’t you send somebody? Who will help my family?” A smile creased the Shepherd’s face. He looked deep into her eyes and said, “Why, that is your job. That is why I brought you here. Now, go back down to the valley below and lead your family to me.” The story of her descent is told in Hurnard’s sequel, Mountains of Spices. I was sitting on an airplane at the end of runway eleven, waiting to take off from Tucson International Airport, when I finished the sequel. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. Finally, the passenger next to me asked, “Are you all right?” “Yes, it’s just a great book.” This is the essence of the spiritual growth cycle. We start out as children; grow mature as spiritual young men and women; and finally grow in to mothers and fathers. Then we descend back down into the valley and help others on their journey to the High Places. Spiritual Mothers And Fathers Experience The Depths Of An Infinite-Personal Relationship With God The Father. In describing spiritual levels John twice repeats: “You have known Him who is from the beginning” (1 John 2:13, 14). Experiencing intimacy with the eternal God who traces back to the universe must be really important for John to say it twice. In 1 John 2:12-14 the Apostle John not only enunciated a progression in spiritual growth, he revealed a progression in our love with Jesus. Julie and I have been married for a long time. She came into my life on a summer Sunday morning in church. She was late—arriving just in time to run to the piano to play and sing before I got up to preach. It was love at first solo. If someone had said to me in those first few weeks, “Do you know Julie Tacker?” I might have responded, “Certainly, I know her.” The Greek word “oida” refers to an introductory knowledge of something or a cursory relationship with someone. Multiple years later, I not only know her, I experience her. The Greek word “ginosko” works quite well to describe our intimate relationship today: I’m thinking her thoughts. I’m reading her mind. She’s thinking my thoughts. She’s reading my mind. I know what makes her laugh. I know what makes her cry. I know her hopes; I know her hurts. Her needs, her strengths, and her weaknesses are as open books to me. I intimately know Julie Tacker Barrier. She shares my life. She shares my name. As for Julie, she probably knows me even better. One afternoon, one of my sons-in-law and I went out to lunch. “Where do you want to go?” he asked me. “I really ought to have a salad.” “Oh, come on. Let’s eat somewhere the girls never want to go. How about Cici’s All You Can Eat Pizza Buffet? It’s a man’s place.” Sure enough, fifty men were there, gorging on pizza. Only one woman was in the restaurant. Trying to be good, I began with a salad. But soon, I stepped up to the pizza buffet. Later we told Julie where we had eaten. “I had a salad,”I said. “You also had six pieces of pizza,” she said. “How did you know I had six pieces?” “I know you.” (They were small pieces.) While no one will exhaust the fathomless depths of God’s heart, spiritual mothers and fathers know Him like few others. They have invested years walking closely with Him—experiencing His life, feeling His feelings, and even hurting for Him when He hurts. I tell my students that one of the marks of growing to maturity is that we can say after twenty or thirty years of being a Christian, “I think I am finally beginning to know the heart of God.” Spiritual Mothers And Fathers View Life And Experiences From God’s Perspective. Can you imagine that life looks differently from the resurrection side of the cross than it does from the children’s side? The view from the mountaintops is quite different from the view from the valley. During His ministry, Jesus often told His followers that He was going to Jerusalem where He would die and return to life. They never did figure it out. But after they witnessed the cross and resurrection, everything looked different. On Easter Sunday morning, the events of the past three days suddenly made sense. In most difficult situations spiritual children ask: “What’s God’s will?” “What’s going on?” “What should I do?” “Why did God do this?” “Why did God allow that?” “What He is doing makes no sense.” Spiritual mothers and fathers respond differently. When we encounter the same situations, we talk it over with God and begin to get His perspective from the resurrection side. Now, things begin to make eternal sense. I remember the far-reaching perception of a young father I once led to Christ. One Thursday evening his four-year-old son, Nathan said, “Daddy, my head hurts real bad.” On Saturday I sat with mom and dad in the I.C.U. as Nathan was removed from the respirator. It took about thirty minutes. Several days later I was talking to dad. He’d done a lot of reflective soul searching when he said to me, “Roger, I think that maybe God is going to make a spiritual father instead of just an earthly one.” I couldn’t believe my ears. But, I wasn’t surprised; he was looking from the resurrection side of the cross. Spiritual Mothers And Fathers Refuse To Be Dogmatic Because Of Their Growing Understanding Of The Infiniteness Of God. Spiritual children often have a rather rigid, narrow, arrogant mindset regarding God and the Bible: “I know what the Bible says. I’ve read it. If you haven’t experienced it like I have or see it like I see it, then you are wrong.” In Romans 11:33 Paul wrote, “Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!” As we climb the mountains of maturity, we discover that there are more mountain peaks to scale than we ever imagined. No one can exhaust the infinite depths of God. The people who delude themselves into thinking that they have a monopoly on understanding God are like the man who waded into out the surf off the California coast, looked up and down the coastline, tasted the water, felt the waves, and cried out gleefully, “I know what the Pacific Ocean is like.” At the same time, a man in China waded out three or four yards into the Pacific, made the same observations, and declared, “I know what the Pacific Ocean is like.” The Pacific is a vast, unfathomable place. Neither of them “knows” anything about the Pacific. For them to start arguing over who knows it best is ridiculous! They are both ignorant as to the depths and secrets of the ocean. In the same way, God is higher, greater, and infinitely more complex than any human mind can comprehend. A nearby pastor discovered that some in his congregation were coming to our church for our Sunday night worship service. He asked them not to go because he was afraid that we would confuse them. His church placed a lot more emphasis on utilizing the spiritual gift of tongues than we did. One morning, I met him walking to his car after dropping off his daughter at our Christian school. We began to discuss his recent edict. Finally, I said, “You know, one day we may both be on trial for following Jesus and standing before a firing squad. Neither one of us will care about who speaks in tongues and who doesn’t.” We are now close friends. How many times have we seen spiritual children argue over their limited experiences with God? Spiritual mothers and fathers seldom join in the fray. Spiritual Mothers and Fathers Empathize With Christ In His Pains. In Philippians 3:10, Paul wrote, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings.” I want to talk with you about the holiness of entering into Christ’s sufferings. In the opening verses of John chapter nine, Jesus was filled with compassion at the sight of a man who was born blind. The disciples, on the other hand, only seemed interested in figuring out whose sin brought on this affliction. The disciples were seeking to judge. Christ was seeking to love and heal the hurting man. As we become more intimate with Christ we mature beyond asking, “Who sinned?” Instead, like Jesus, we develop deep compassion for those who are broken by sin. The trembling man shaking hands with me after church was hiding something. He asked for an appointment, and I agreed to meet with him. Later that afternoon, we shook hands again, and I noticed how wet and sweaty his palms were. He soon revealed that the AIDS virus was coursing through his body. Immediately, I stopped thinking about him. All I could think about was my hand. These were the early days of the AIDS epidemic. The medical community was still sorting out how the virus was transmitted. Sex could do it; that was already proven. How about kissing? Or sweat? Those two avenues were still under investigation. I was strangely unmoved as he poured out his heart, confessing his illicit sexual lifestyle, wondering if God could ever forgive him and bring healing to his body. All I could think about was getting to the restroom to wash his sweat off of my hand. I held my fingers stiffly apart, not wanting to risk pressing any of his sweat into my skin. I perfunctorily said the things a pastor is supposed to say as I planned to end the session as quickly as possible and to avoid shaking his hand again. The instant he left, I ran to the sink. I am not proud of my behavior. I had little or no compassion for him. All I wanted to do was wash my hands. Several years later I was thinking about Jesus. I wondered how He was feeling about the man HIV positive and how I’d treated Him. I got to thinking about Philippians 3:10 and the “fellowship of sharing in Christ’s sufferings.” It dawned on me that the sufferings of Jesus didn’t end at the Cross. He is still grieving today for those who are hurt and in pain. For one of the few times in life I found myself hurting for Jesus because of His pain. So, I told him, “I am so sorry that you were hurting that day. It must have broken your heart to see the pain and anxiety and fear in the heart of the HIV man. And, I am sorry that I didn’t join with You in the fellowship of your sufferings. My heart now aches for people I never thought to ache for before. As I look into the confused, hopeless, hurting eyes of men, women, and children facing the fight of their lives, I began to sense how Christ feels about their sufferings. He grieves for them just as He grieved over the blind man in John chapter nine. At times my heart breaks and I want to comfort the hurting people. On a deeper level, I want to comfort Christ as He grieves over those souls and broken lives that are filled with pain. As we enter into what Paul called the “fellowship of His sufferings,” we feel what Jesus feels. We hurt for others just like Jesus hurts for others! Think about it, the people who know us best are those know us in our pains. Consider the extrapolation: Spiritual mothers and fathers know “Him who is from the beginning” (twice repeated by John). Who is better equipped to share in the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings than those who know Him best.? “Entering into the fellowship of His sufferings” opens the door for true compassion. Spiritual Fathers And Mothers Refuse To Quit No Matter How Difficult Following Christ May Become. Only once have I really gotten angry with God over a set of circumstances He allowed to happen that I thought about giving up on Him. I have prayed since my junior year in college to be a spiritual man at any price. He has used a number of tools to answer my prayers. Here is a list of several: mistaken open-heart surgery; an ileostomy; back surgery; knee surgery (3); electrical heart failures; three ablations; cyclothymia; depression; anxiety disorder; a wife and two children with bi-polar disorder; the death of a child; and the rape of one of another. On the basis of Hebrews 4 I could see the hand of God in each of the above. I was looking from the resurrection side. Then, less than a year ago, one of my daughters experienced back to back two of the greatest tragedies of life. I said to God: I was so angry at God! “That is enough,” I said. “When will it stop?” I said “If this is the best You can do for my family, I’m through following you.” I quit Christianity on the spot—That lasted for about three days. I thought about the profession of Peter when Jesus thought that the Disciples would desert him like the rest of the crowds were doing.  Jesus asked them, “You’re going to go away, too, aren’t you?” Peter replied, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the Words of Life.” I suppose that one of the best markers of spiritual mother and fatherhood is when we have no place else to go except to Jesus. The Bible details several other characteristics of spiritual mothers and fathers that I don’t have space to expound on. Let me just share a few of those: Spiritual mothers and fathers manifest the fruit of the Spirit. Spiritual mothers and fathers are clothed with humility and grace. They remind others of what Jesus is like. Spiritual mothers and fathers are more likely to live above difficult circumstances. They live the victorious Christian life. Spiritual mothers and fathers long ago waded through the questions, struggles, doubts, self-reliance, self-centeredness, and self-condemnation that cause so many to stumble or turn back from the journey. Mothers and fathers long to experience the resurrected life of Christ at any price. The process of growth outlined in the Bible implies a long-term commitment. Nothing less than wholehearted devotion will suffice. The process is not for the faint of heart. However, along the way, we will increasingly experience the deepening love and resurrection power of Christ. Over time (like twenty-five years or so) we can’t help but develop an irresistible urge to become like Christ at any price. For the sake of completeness, I want to list some of the characteristics of each of the first three levels. Spiritual infants: tend to fight and argue among themselves (1 Corinthians 3:1-3) sometimes drop out early because they can’t handle the persecution that comes with following Christ. sometimes drop out early because earthly distractions are so alluring. are often spiritually lazy and neglectful are many times so full of themselves that they rarely seek the Father’s guidance often imagine that whatever they don’t already know and experience is not really necessary.” usually fail to mature because the cost is too high Spiritual Children: experience God as little more than an acquaintance or at most a casual friend know that their sins are forgiven and that God is their father are refocusing their eyes from Earth to Heaven often show signs of immaturity--like hypocrisy are dependent on others for their care and feeding are still learning how to apply the Bible to their lives struggle with commitment Spiritual children struggle with know and understand little about Biblical beliefs and doctrines tend to be fearful and insecure Spiritual Young Men And Women: exercise their spiritual muscles by constantly utilizing the spiritual disciplines experience the “Word of God” (both Jesus and the Bible) fight Satan on his own territory and win have an “others-centered” mentality develop generous hearts that excel in the grace of giving. know the truth of who they are in Christ

Roger, My best friend and I were talking recently and he said to me during a discussion about God that, "the Bible was written for people who lived a long-time ago and its word does not pertain to us today." He was referring to our conversation about the man as head of the household and him needing to lead as head of the household. His spouse is very liberal and a feminist and he was telling me in so many words that the word of God saying that men were the head of household is no longer pertinent today because times have changed. I know this thinking is wrong but how might I explain that the God of Adam is still the same today and that you can't just pick and choose what you follow from the Bible as a Christian? Sincerely, S Dear S, It sounds as if you had a rather difficult conversation with your friend. The overriding issue you both discussed has to do with what parts of the Bible may still be valid in today’s more “enlightened” culture and which parts are old, outdated and not relevant nor authoritative for today. The subset issue has to do with determining who is in charge in a marriage—the husband or wife? Maybe both? Or perhaps neither? Let me divide my answer into two parts. First, I will deal with the leadership in marriage issue. Then I will answer the biblical relevancy question next week under the heading, “Is the Bible old-fashioned and out of date?” Your friend is obviously concerned about his role as a husband in today’s confused set of misunderstandings and misguided values concerning marriage. The idea of a husband leading his family is somewhat of a struggle for him and a seemingly incomprehensible idea to his “feminist” wife. Let’s see if we can clear this up to everyone’s satisfaction. The primary Biblical purpose regarding marriage is companionship. God said to Adam in Genesis 2:18: “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a ‘partner’ for him.” The Hebrew word for “partner” is hard to translate with only one English word. The idea is one of completion. Adam was incomplete and alone. Eve, the wife God created for him, brought fulfilled completion to both of them in their marriage relationship. The most significant issue of marriage is not who will lead or who will be in control. The issue is removing aloneness. A mature marriage is one where husband and wife become intimate friends. We are blessed if we have two or three intimate friends in a lifetime. Most people go through life and never have even one. I often tell people, “You ought to marry your best friend!” Close friends make the best marriage partners. The passage about the “husband being the head of the household” occurs in Ephesians chapter five. A superficial understanding of Paul’s teaching has led to much abuse. A husband who thinks things like, “I am the head of this household; everyone must answer to me; I am responsible to oversee and control everyone’s life; I am the ultimate authority;” will often bring untold harm to his wife and children. They are open to his mistreatment and emotional dysfunction. The role God has designed for husbands is not at all anything like this. Husbands are to lead with love—not with power, authority and “divine right.” In Ephesians 5:21 Paul enunciated the overall attitude for husbands and wives in marriage: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Who is designated to be in charge here? Neither. Mutual submission is the principle attitude behind a successful marriage. Husbands and wives are concerned first about the emotional health and well being of their partners—even before themselves. Also, notice that a healthy marriage is lived out in a relationship context with Jesus Christ. He provides the humility and the power behind a blessed and maturing marriage relationship (See Philippians 2: 1-11.). Paul continued describing the roles of husband and wife in Ephesians 5:22-33. First, he addressed the women and then he turned to the men. In Ephesians 5:22-23 Paul advised wives to submit to their husbands in the same way as they submit to Christ who is the head of the church: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Paul adds one more injunction for wives in verse 33: “… and the wife must respect her husband.” This passage assumes that the wife knows what submitting to Christ looks like. Paul put marriage in a Christian context. Many marriages without Christ tend to fail eventually  as a result of confusion, disunity and disappointment. These failures also occur all too often to Christians who are not experiencing the true life of Christ. Paul’s instructions are intriguing for what he didn’t say. Paul never instructed wives to love their husbands. I find this a rather glaring omission and want to know why. In Ephesians 5:25-33 Paul instructed husbands on their roles: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.… In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body…. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.” The loving sacrifice of Jesus Christ in dying on the cross for His church is the model for how husbands are to love their wives. Husbands are to lay down their lives in sacrifice for their wives in the same way Jesus laid down His life in sacrifice for His church. Could you imagine that submitting to a husband who always had your best interests at heart might be a rather lovely and enjoyable thing to do! I often think of the husband as being like the sun and the wife being like the moon. The sun gives off the light and the moon reflects it back. Whatever the husband gives to his wife she will often reflect right back to him. Show me a husband who is pouring anger, resentment, disapproval, disappointment and hurt into his marriage and I will show you a wife who is soon reflecting anger, resentment, disapproval, disappointment and hurt right back to her husband. On the other hand, show me a husband who is pouring in love, acceptance, forgiveness, approval and compassion and I will show you a wife who is soon reflecting love, acceptance, forgiveness, approval and compassion right back to her husband. I often use these instructions when I perform wedding ceremonies. I say to the bride, “If he were to love you like Christ loved the church, if he were to lay down his life in sacrifice for you, if he were always to put you and your needs first and if he were defer his own needs in order that your needs were met at all costs, wouldn’t you find it easy to love a man like that?” I wish you could see the sparkle in her eyes as looks over at the man of her dreams—could she love a man like that! You bet she could! Could she respect a man like that! You bet she could! Could she submit to a man like that—one who always had her best interests at heart—you bet she could! When husbands love as Christ loved Paul has no need to instruct wives to love them in return—the love of the wives comes automatically. By the way, remember that wives are to respect their husbands? Respect is a “big deal” for men. Unfortunately, respect does not come automatically. Respect is cultivated over time by the husband’s careful loving and caring for the emotional, physical and spiritual needs of his wife. A wife who expresses respect for her husband goes a long way toward meeting one of the deepest needs in his life. I hope you will be able to share this perspective on a husband being the “head” of the wife. Perhaps your friend and his wife will find that when the Bible is properly understood, it is relevant for every generation and culture. I hope this helps. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, I have Asperger’s Syndrome (a type of autism). Do I retain this characteristic or will Jesus Christ remove that condition from me? I actually like being able to do complex math and I’m not wild about being around other humans so being an Aspie doesn’t bother me. Sincerely, Craig Dear Craig, I believe that my dad had a touch of Asperger’s Syndrome. It is important that our readers understand that Asperger’s syndrome is a disorder characterized by difficulties in social interaction, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. Most Asperger’s are also brilliant in several areas. The intensity of the syndrome varies greatly from person to person. In very simple terms I like to think of Asperger’s as being on a brain spectrum which extends from “Normal” to Asperger’s to Autism. Most autistic persons are male. Moving along the spectrum we find engineers who are quite structured and build great things but who tend to be somewhat more socially inhibited than females. Many of them don’t tend to talk a lot. On the other side of the spectrum we find women in many more social interaction activities and relationship settings. At the other end of the spectrum, women are also much more likely to lose their keys. My dad was a great dad; however, socially, he could say the strangest things at times. He thought that he was being clever; yet, many times in public we never knew what he was going to say next. He could embarrass us all in an instant. I remember once standing in line at a convenience store as Dad was handing money to the cashier. He said, “I bet it would be easy to dip your hand in the till and take money with no one knowing. Have you ever thought about doing it?” We all cringed. To Dad, that was just a normal question from his curious mind. To the rest of us, it was questioning the integrity of the cashier and inappropriate probing into their privacy. Nevertheless, he was able to interact well in many settings. For example, he was the vice president in charge of finances for a major airline for 40 years. He had a great mind for numbers, details, budgets and profit forecasting. His tendency toward Asperger’s served him well in many settings. I have some of Dad’s symptoms. My mind is sharp and quick. I am great with numbers and details but I tend to keep quiet in social settings because people tend to look strangely at me after some of the things I say. My family is constantly telling me to be careful what I say in public. The other day my son-in-law and I were driving when I saw some boys playing basketball. I said to Ricky, “Pull over.” He said, “No.” Roll your window back, up, I don’t want you to say anything to them.” I am learning to analyze carefully what I am about to say to see if I really want to say it. Most of the time, I desist. The good thing is that God can use folks who struggle with Asperger’s just like He can use anyone else in the Kingdom. One of the best things about my Dad’s tendency toward Asperger’s was his constant repetition of things he had said before. He often struggled with new things to say in social settings, so he would return to things he had said before in similar situations. I was embarrassed for him sometimes when he repeated the same things over and over. Some of this has genetically “rubbed” off on me. I remember once finishing a round of golf with two men I had never met before. As we walked off the final green I told the two how much fun I’d had, how impressed I was with their games and how much I would like to play with them again. They said, “Thanks.” Then I repeated the same words again and they said, “Thanks.” Then I repeated them again, and again, and again. Nothing seemed unusual until one of the men turned to my long-time-golfing buddy and said, “Is he making fun of us?” My friend said, “No, he just gets this way sometimes.” The beautiful thing is that the good things Dad repeated took deep root in my soul. Every time we selected something to buy, he repeated, “The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price has been forgotten.” I got really tired of hearing that; but, in a good way, his repetition affects every purchase I make these days. Whenever he faced life’s difficulties, he repeated Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I remember the moment when his doctor told him that no more medicines were available to fight his cancer. “Well, then, what are we going to try next,” dad asked. “There is no next,” said the doctor. As the reality of impending death sunk in, Dad looked at me and said, “Well,” and then he paused and thought for a while. Finally, he whispered quietly to himself, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” If I heard him say it once I heard him say it a thousand times. I was sick of hearing it. Now, I say it all the time—and I am the better man and Christian for it. I am glad, Craig, that you have made peace with your Asperger’s and now find many aspects of it to have positive impact in your life. I am reminded that God has designed us even before we are born to have our place in the Kingdom. I believe that He makes no mistakes in these areas. David wrote in Psalm 139:13-16: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. When God called Jeremiah to full-time service as a prophet, He told Jeremiah that he was custom-designed for the task: “The word of the LORD came to me, saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:4-5). I believe that Jesus will use you and your Asperger’s well in the Kingdom here on earth. Now, concerning whether or not you will have Asperger’s in Heaven, I really don’t know. However, it may be that 1 John 3:2-3 trumps all other considerations. Paul wrote, “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.” Craig, I really appreciate your question. I know there are many people who have Asperger’s or a friend who does that will be helped by your question. May God bless you richly. See you in Heaven. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, Good Morning, I just finished my morning meditation time and this is what I am thinking. I am seeing this with great clarity right now. If you have time….if you care to….would you comment on my thoughts? Is this a good picture of free choice and predetermination? It seems pretty clear to me….does it make sense to you? Is it true? “I realize that bad times are part of a process that leads to something good! (I am trying to make sense of my husband leaving our marriage after 45 years). It is the events that follow bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. In other words, it’s my future that determines my past; not the other way around. And since I am in charge of my future, then I determine the meaning of my past. It’s interesting to think about this in the context of an age-old question: Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? I think the answer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice. It’s like when we play a card game. We get dealt a hand. And we have no control over the cards we get dealt. It’s predetermined. But we also get to play that hand. We also have free choice. Ultimately, it’s the COMBINATION of the hand we’re dealt and the way we play it that determines the outcome. And it’s the outcome that shapes my view of the original hand I was dealt. God deals us a hand. There’s nothing we can do to change that. But we get to play that hand. I get to respond to the events of my life. And it’s my response, my actions in the future, which determine the meaning of the events in my past. So how do I get over the past? I don’t have to get over the past. The past is over! What’s important is the MEANING the past has for me NOW. And the MEANING of my past is determined by my actions in the future. If I play my hand right, my hurts become part of my healing. And, in fact, I think it’s usually bad times that awaken people to search for new ways. I can’t make the past go away, but I can heal. I have free choice.” Thank you, Nancy Dear Nancy, Now, Nancy, I’ve decided to let your own “wonderings” answer your own question. Seldom does the questioner provide the answer in their own question. Therefore, I am going to share your own comments with our other Ask Roger readers. I love your understanding of our own free will and the practical implications that you share. I really admire your ability to articulate the issues with great insight and teach some a practical “how-tos” for handling properly the choices we make with our free will. Thank you. Nancy, you are so right. We have to play the cards we are dealt and how we play them makes all the difference in the world. Just for fun, let’s take this a bit further. The issue of free will (that we have a conscious choice in making decisions and choosing how we live) and determinism (the idea that God has laid out our lives in such a way that all of our decisions and choices will occur as previously predetermined by Him) has puzzled the best (and simplest) of minds since the days of Plato (the Greek philosopher) and for multiple centuries before his time. I am quite fascinated by the recent trends in quantum mechanics (the physics of how the universe operates on the micro level as opposed to the macro level) that are forcing physicists to face the religious and philosophical implications that free will is designed into the very nature of the universe. Many scientists reasoned that if the location and velocity of every sub-atomic particle were known, then it is possible to predict the exact future of the universe. In other words, everything in the universe is predetermined—free will cannot exist. Quantum mechanics accurately describes what happens on the sub-atomic level. However, beyond all common sense, what happens on the micro level is everything but predetermined. Behaviors there can be affected by an interaction with human observations, choices, or even personal thinking! The religious and philosophical implications of these findings are astounding. However, they were consciously ignored, glossed over and minimized by physicists who wanted nothing to do with these implications. “Quantum enigma” is the term used to describe the religious and philosophical implications resulting from quantum mechanics. It was not until the late 1990s and early 2000s that open-minded physicists who grew up in the 1960s began to explore these implications.” For the previous 90 years physicists simply refused to acknowledge the existence of these implications—basically because of personal beliefs—or lack thereof. Unraveling the quantum enigma means that some sort of mental, spiritual, or as yet unidentified entity facilitates contact with different levels of the physical world. In one sense, since the macro world is simply a giant-sized micro world (if we could see it from a vantage point far enough away, everyone interacts with an unseen world with the free will to make all sorts of choices that affect the events and activities of our lives. In other words, there is a mysterious connection between human observation (and consciousness) and the physical world. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, I am a new Christian reading the Bible for the first time. I feel like a whole new world has opened up before me. A friend suggested that it would be good for me to read the New Testament from beginning to end. I am finding some of the commands of Jesus hard to swallow. Like in Matthew 18:8-9 where Jesus says to cut off a hand or a foot or poke out an eye and throw it away if it causes me to sin. I’ve asked some of my friends for help and no one really seems to know what to do with this command. Did Jesus really mean what He said? Is something else going on here? Sincerely, New Christian Dear New Christian, No, Jesus didn’t mean for us to take His words literally. He used a literary device here known as a “hyperbole.” Hyperboles use exaggeration to evoke strong feelings or to engender make a strong impression. For example, today we might say, “That bag weighs a ton.” We all know that the bag doesn’t literally weigh 2,000 pounds. What we do know is that it is really heavy! By the way, from the number and wide variety of the literary devices employed by Jesus, there is no doubt that He was familiar with them and their use. Every language uses literary devices to make common language more powerful and clear. When we read the Matthew 18:8-9 passage with hyperboles in mind we easily understand the meaning Christ intended to convey: If your hand or your foot causes you to sin cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell. The issue here is not cutting off body parts. Jesus was saying, “Sin is really, really bad and awful. If you are not careful, it can send you to Hell—So Don’t Do It!” Matthew 7:3-5 is another example of Jesus utilizing hyperbole to make His point: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye ,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye , and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Anyone can get sawdust in their eyes. But a giant plank just won’t fit! This is a hyperbole. Let me give you a couple of other examples of Jesus’ use of literality devices to more emphatically enhance the power of His Words. He made many comparisons using similes and metaphors. Both devices make comparisons between two things. A simile makes the comparison using the words, “like,” or “as.” A metaphor makes a comparison without the use of “like,” or “as.” For example: “Her eyes were like glistening jewels” is a simile. “Her eyes were glistening jewels” is a metaphor. In John 10:9 Jesus declared, “I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.” This statement is a metaphor. Jesus is not made out of wood. But the message is clear. Salvation is only found through entering into Kingdom life with Jesus. In Matthew 13:44 Jesus declared: “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” The use of “like” identifies this comparison as a simile. Occasionally, Jesus used a literary device which was common in His day but seldom if ever used in our day. It is called a “Chiasm” after the Greek letter “Chi” which we translate as “X”. In fact the Greek letter “X” looks like an “X”. It is a double cross. For example, Jesus taught: “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6). This passage is incomprehensible without understanding Chiasms. This is Hebrew poetical structure has a rhyme scheme of ABBA whereby the first and fourth and second and third phrases rhyme (or go together). The first phrase, “Do not give dogs what is sacred” goes with the last phrase, “and then turn and tear you to pieces.” The second phrase, “Do not throw your pearls to pigs” goes with the third phrase, “If you do, they may trample them under their feet.” As a chiasm this teaching now can make sense. Be careful how you handle truth in the presence of mockers. Mark used an onomatopoeia to try and capture Jesus’ feelings of deep compassion when the Rich Young Ruler turned his back and walked away. Mark wrote in Mark 10:21: “Jesus looked at him and loved him…” The Greek word chosen by Mark is not the usual word for love (“agape” or “philos”). When pronounced in Greek, “eegápeesen”, sounds much like what we might imagine deep groaning and perhaps even deep pain in our intestines to sound like. Jesus had the deepest sense of compassion possible for this young man who broke His heart just a few minutes later. An onomatopoeia is using a word that sounds like the word itself. Think of words like “zip,” “splash,” “gush,”” Ker plunk,” “buzz,” “hiss,” squeak,” and “hush.” Onomatopoeia brings out the full flavor of words. Personification is a device which attributes human characteristics to inanimate objects. Jesus utilized personification when the crowds cheered His triumphant entry into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday: “Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, rebuke your disciples!’ ‘I tell you,’ he replied, ‘if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out’” (Luke 19:39-40). Of course, Jesus may not have intended this statement as a literary device at all. The rocks would have cried out if Jesus had so commanded. Let me give you just one more example. Symbolism is using one object to stand for something else or to mean something else. Jesus used symbolism in John 3:14-15when He referred to the Old Testament story of Moses and the bronze serpent. He said, “Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.” During the wilderness wanderings a plague of poisonous snakes over ran the Israelite camp mercilessly killing thousands. God was punishing them for their sin of ingratitude. Those unfortunate enough to be bitten died. No antidote existed. The people pleaded with Moses for relief. God instructed Moses to make a bronze serpent and put it up on a pole for all to see. Whoever looked at the uplifted snake would be saved. Jesus was referring to this passage and identifying the serpent as a symbol of Himself. The snake poison is a symbol of sin. As the serpent was uplifted on a cross so Jesus will be lifted up on a cross to die. Any one may look to the uplifted Christ in faith and belief and immediately experience the healing remedy necessary to neutralize the poison of sin coursing through their lives. I have no intention of overwhelming you with the above material, New Christian. I shared enough material to help you better understand the teachings of the Bible verses. You have a life time ahead of discovering the beauties of the Scriptures. My advice to you is not to become frustrated or overwhelmed by the passages you may not understand just now. Refuse to be deterred in your reading when you come across something that doesn’t yet make sense to you. Mark Twain said, “It’s not what I don’t understand about the Bible that bothers me, but what I do understand.” Enjoy you reading and may the Holy Spirit (who inspired the people who wrote the Bible) give you great insight and understanding as you seek out the truths and principles of God’s Word. May you get to know the loving and eternal God more and more as you meet with Him on the pages of the Bible Love, Roger

Dear Roger, I suspect my church may be making poor financial choices, how open should I expect them to be about how they spread out and spend the entire budget? Dear Robert, When it comes to money, everyone has an opinion on how to spend it—especially if it is the Lord’s money! When it comes to how the church spends the Lord’s tithes and offerings we ought to be concerned. After all, we are talking about eternal things. Before I share some Biblical thoughts regarding how a church might spend money, let me give a direct, and short, answer to your question: Every aspect of the church budget should be available for anyone in the church family to observe and study. Nothing should be hidden from view—except the salaries of the pastor and the church staff. Some churches plan carefully, seek God’s will, open up to suggestions from the church family and invest wisely in the Kingdom. Other churches waste a lot of money on things not of eternal value. Church size has little to do with investing wisely in the Kingdom. I have observed that both large and small churches can spend wisely. On the other hand, churches of any size can quickly burn a hole in their financial pockets which allows much of the money God has entrusted to them to slip through their fingers. The Lord Jesus has endorsed a number of places where spending money is totally legit and even commanded Global Outreach giving to fund world-wide-missionary work is encouraged. The last words Jesus gave to his disciples are known as the Great Commission. Final words are deeply significant. Jesus said in Matthew 28:19-20: “Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” I think that the best way for a church to fund missionary activity is to take 10% right off the top of the offerings. This guarantees that a local church supports the Great Commission financially (Note that there is a difference between giving to world-wide Kingdom work and giving to support denominational activities.). Looking back over thirty-five years of pastoring the same church, one of my regrets is the day we voted to fund missions activity by an annual fund drive instead of by continuing to take the first 10% of the offerings right off the top. Our annual fund drive never once reached what would have been 10% of our budget. We came close; but not close enough. I wish we had done better here. A tithe of 10% plus the annual drive would have been best for the Kingdom. We would have done just fine with 10% less income for the budget. On the other hand, one thing I rejoice in was our decision to take 10% of the Building Fund money we raised and invest it in Global Outreach. We did nine, three-year fundraisers, in a row and sent several millions over seas. It just seemed right that when we build something for us we would do well to build something needed on the missionary field as well. Giving to the poor is a top priority. Paul set forth this principle as the early church was laying out its theology and practices. He wrote in Galatians 2:9-10: “They agreed that we should go to the Gentiles, and they to the Jews. All they asked was that we should continue to remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do.” Solomon extolled the blessing of generosity in Proverb 19:17: “He who is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and He will reward him for what he has done.” Think about it, is it not an intriguing thought to have the Lord in our debt! A certain percentage of the church budget and four annual offerings for the poor have helped to instill a generous attitude in the hearts of our church people—and brought financial help to many financially-strapped individuals. By the way, we cannot take care of every financial need that comes to the attention of the church. Jesus said in Mark 14:7: “The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me.” One of the best ways I know to apportion money wisely is to delegate the responsibly to a carefully selected benevolence committee. Hopefully, some will have expertise in this area (or are willing to get some). For example, in order to receive funds, our committee looks much more favorably upon those people who work with us in developing a budget in order to get their spending under control, than we do on people who just want an immediate handout. Of course, many do need an immediate financial hand out; the benevolence committee assesses the needs and gives accordingly. By the way, the pastor should never be on the benevolence committee—he or she tends to be too soft hearted. Pastors and church staff have a God-given right to be cared for physically and financially. Paul made this concept a top church value in 1 Timothy 5:17-18: “The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching. For the Scripture says, ‘Do not muzzle the ox while it is treading out the grain,’ and ‘The worker deserves his wages’”. I grieve over the common church attitude that declares it good for the pastor to be poor in order to keep him humble and dependant on the Lord. This is an anti-Biblical attitude which has denied many pastors’ families the financial support they so richly deserve. Unfortunately, pastors’ children live in forced asceticism. No wonder so many grow up to hate the church! By the way, I believe that whichever group is responsible for setting church salaries has the responsibility for keeping all salaries confidential. In the secular-work place people can be sued or fired for discussing each others’ salaries. Church members are not required to post their salaries for all to see. Pastors and church staff have the same right. After all, some will always think that the pastor makes too much, and then, there are those blessed souls who think that the pastor and staff are not paid nearly enough. In my experience, most people evaluate another’s salary in comparison to their own. This is a miserable way to set salaries. The local church is the God-designed financial engine to fund the work of the Kingdom. The church budget must include sufficient funds to support the administrative and operational costs of Home Base. The church in Philippi was able to fund Kingdom work because it had a strong Home Base. In Philippians 4:15-16 Paul reminded them of their ministry and gifts to him: “Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need.” Our church badly needs new carpet in the office and administrative areas. Some say that we would do better to send the money over seas in Global Outreach. However, stained and worn out after ten years of faithful service, I say it is just time to buy some new carpet. It may be that the most important committee in the church is the one that determines the annual budget. Just as our personal checkbooks reveal the priorities of our lives, the church budget reflects the values and priorities of the church. When the church budget follows well-planned, God-given-financial principles along with well-conceived-church priorities, you know that the church is spending well. The pastor’s job is to lead in setting the strategic and tactical plans for the church. While we will seldom if ever be in full agreement regarding the expenditure of funds, it is possible for a church to do a great job in handling God’s money—and one day receive Jesus’ blessing and reward. By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. 11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work. 14 If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. 15 If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flame (1 Corinthians 3:10-15). Robert, thanks for asking such a needed and timely question. I hope that my answer gives you some food for profitable thought. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, I am a devout Christian and my girlfriend is Mormon. We are getting closer to closer and have been dating about a year and have gotten through tough things together. (Her father’s suicide for example) My question is: What is the best way to go out about understanding, accepting, and growing together towards Spiritual Mothers and Fathers? I have drawn from the “condemnation engineering” sermon that “I’m Right, She’s Wrong” is not the best approach to our discussions about faith. Sincerely, Evan Dear Evan, I know that sharing life experiences with someone you love is a great strength and blessing. Your relationship is obviously being strengthened by and not weakened by some of the difficult trials you have walked through together. We have many wonderful Mormon neighbors. I truly respect their emphasis upon family values and their sincere zeal to share their faith. That being said, you need to be aware that Mormonism and evangelical Christianity are worlds apart. So how do you approach this one you care about so deeply and dialogue about the differences in your faith? I agree with you wholeheartedly that you can be seen as harsh and judgmental if you use “condemnation engineering” (Matthew 7:1-12). The concept of, condemnation engineering is based upon Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 7. Condemnation engineering uses statements like, “You should stop doing it like that” (Matthew 7:1-5); or, “I know how to fix it. You ought to do it my way!” (Matthew 7:6). On the other hand, Jesus encourages us to draw people into the kingdom rather than belittling or coercing them. (Matthew 7:7-12). Let me now share a few thoughts which may be of help. To begin with, here is a principle I have followed for years: Don’t trash someone else’s religion or their religious and/or spiritual beliefs; show them something better—like the attractiveness of Jesus Christ. In other words, lift up Jesus instead of tearing down others’ spiritual foundations. Next, living a caring and loving Christian life in front of your girlfriend might initiate in her a desire to have the same Christ-filled life you have. Peter encourages this sort of approach in 1 Peter 3:1-2. Peter says that the best way for wives to win their husband’s to Christ is not by talking but by living out the abundant life of Christ before their eyes: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” You might consider initiating a frank discussion of both your religious beliefs and hers. I believe that it is fair to say that Mormonism and Christianity are quite different. In fact, their basic tenants are mutually exclusive. May I share with you a simple overview of some of the basic differences? For example, I understand that the God of Christianity and the god of Mormonism are not the same. I believe it is correct to say that Mormons believe that the “Heavenly Father” is a glorified man who was once a human just like us. The spirits of all people on earth are the product of his union with “heavenly mothers.” The Christian God is the Creator of all things, infinite and eternal, completely different from us, yet we are made in His image. According to Mormonism, Jesus was the firstborn spirit-child of the Heavenly Father. He became mortal through the Father’s physical union with Mary. Jesus’ atoning death and a person’s good works are the basis of our salvation. That is not at all the Christian understanding of Jesus. The Bible teaches that Jesus is the Son of God, fully human and fully divine—perfect God and perfect Man. He died to pay the penalty for our sins, rose from the dead, and will come again someday. From what I understand, Mormonism teaches that there are multiple levels of heaven—not just one as described in Christianity. I think it is correct to say that Mormonism is a “works” type of religion with fourteen steps or activities which must be climbed or accomplished in order to reach the highest level of heaven. Lower levels of heaven are populated by other Mormons in proportion to how many special activities they did accomplish. I am rather certain that a basic Mormon teaching is that non-Mormons will serve Mormons in the afterlife. Christianity, on the other hand, is not a “works” religion. Christianity is based on the concept of grace. Though we aren’t perfect—we’ve sinned and missed God’s standards so many times—God chose to provide a way for us to be made clean in his eyes. We can never do enough to earn or deserve our salvation, so Jesus died in our place, taking on the penalty for our sins. That’s grace. Heaven and eternal life are freely given by grace through faith to all who surrender their lives in repentance and humility to Jesus Christ. According to the Bible, and Jesus’ numerous declarations, He Himself is the only doorway into eternal life in Heaven. He clearly explained the His feelings in John 3:16-18: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.” Not only is believing in the crucified and resurrected Jesus essential to eternal salvation, the Apostle Paul elaborated on Jesus’ teaching by explaining that if any one teaches or trusts in anything in addition to the Work of Christ on the cross, they are deeply misguided and under the curse of God (“already condemned” is how Jesus put it). In Ephesians 2:8-9 Paul made clear that any attempts to climb steps or do special activities to earn a standing in Heaven are doomed to failure. He wrote: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.” Paul’s gospel formula” was quite simple: “Faith in Christ + nothing else = salvation.” To put any thing else in the formula is to pervert the gospel. Evil teachers were perverting the gospel in by changing the formula to “Faith in Christ + the Jewish rite of circumcision = salvation.” In Galatians 1:6-9 Paul was pleading for the Galatian Christians not to be seduced by the new formula. With fire in his soul Paul wrote to them: “I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel—which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!” If I understand correctly, the Book of Mormon was delivered to Joseph Smith by the angel Maroni. As best I can tell, the salvation formula used in Mormonism is “Faith in Christ + other essential steps or activities = salvation.” Considering what he wrote to the Galatians, the Apostle Paul would be appalled at this “perverting” of the formula. For further study you might want to read the following two books: “Mormonism 101: Examining the Religion of the Latter-day Saints” by Bill McKeever and Eric Johnson (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker, 2000); and “Mormonism Unmasked: Confronting the Contradictions Between Mormon Beliefs and True Christianity” by R. Philip Roberts (Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 1998.) I have shared the above information in order to help you understand some of the basic differences between Christianity and Mormonism. I do not advise you to dump all of this information on your girlfriend because you would most likely be entering into the realm of condemnation engineering. You may, however, find the information helpful in a frank discussion of your beliefs and hers. Finally, let’s consider your question about growing to maturity together as spiritual mothers and fathers. It is not good to try to grow to spiritual maturity alone. Christian spiritual growth is best accomplished in the context of community. The best way for you and your girlfriend to mature together into Christlikeness is to be in lock-step in your spiritual journeys. If your girlfriend continues as a Mormon while you remain a Christian, you are heading down two different paths—thus, you will never mature together as spiritual mothers and fathers. The only way for you and your girlfriend to fulfill this desire of your heart is by following the Christian ideal of a maturing, intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ as described by Paul in Philippians 3: “That I may know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings.” The meaning here is a personal, full fledged and intentional surrender of self in following the Jesus Christ who is presented in the Bible. I hope that these thoughts are helpful to you in your relationship with your girlfriend and in your growing relationship with Jesus. Love, Roger