Dear Roger, I am the pastor of a 100 member adult church and I was informed today that my largest giving family will no longer be with us. This family represented 15% of the total giving and their departure comes after the church has approved a 2014 budget. (In hindsight, we should have probably set our budget absent their giving in case such a reality occurred.) Still, faced with such a financial challenge, where would you begin to make adjustments? In other words, what are the essential functions and obligations any church must meet to retain integrity through the difficult process of financial re-alignment? Thanks always for your wisdom and consideration. Kent   Dear Kent, Big hit! Really hurts! Crisis moments! I am so sorry for you and for the church. I have experienced this. It is traumatic, isn’t it.   When our church was small we were debt free except for a $54,000 loan extended to the church by one of the “rich” members for a building project. The “deal” was brokered by my predecessor in conjunction with the church leaders.   I learned that several times over the years my pastoral predecessor (and others) suggested to the “rich” person that he go ahead and forgive the loan since he intended never to call for the loan to be paid. He refused; but each time, he renewed his promise.   No one bothered to tell me about the loan when I accepted the call to be their pastor.   Several years later the chairman of deacons said to me, “I have good news and bad news.” “Give me the good news first.” The good news is that Mr. Rich Christian promised that he would never recall the loan.” “The bad news is that he just asked us to send him the $54,000. His daughter’s entering college and he needs the money.”   Unfortunately, we didn’t have the money.   Here are some thoughts on what to do and principles to follow as shared from my experience.   1. Take care of “home base” first. “Home Base” is the central core you cannot afford to lose. This includes the pastor’s salary, worship team, small group coordinator (if you have one) and any paid nursery staff. Everything is on the “chopping block.” If you lose “home base” you will lose the church. In other words, cut whatever is not absolutely necessary.   2. Call together the church leaders and share the problem with them and with the entire church. This is not the time to get squeamish about raising money. Make it clear what has happened and that the church is worth saving (or making up the difference needed in the budget).   3. Rearrange the budget as necessary.   4. Arrange for comprehensive prayer meetings. The church needs prayer. Get as many people to attend as possible. People who come to pray will tend to be encouraged and/or give more money to help to solve the problem.   5. I made a decision to preach regularly on giving. The average church member gives less than 2% of their income to the Lord. Talk about sin–and waste. I built my sermons around six Biblical foundation stones that I call “Biblical Economics”: (1) Pay God His tithe right “off the top.” (2) Pay Taxes to the government. (3) Keep a positive cash flow. Pay off your credit card bill in full each month. The first month you cannot do that–or don’t want to–you are heading toward financial crisis. (4) Be out of debt for depreciating items. (5) Save 10 to 15 percent for emergencies and long-term needs–like retirement. (6) Following good Biblical Economic will result in a surplus so we can give generously to others in need.   Over the years, Kent, our giving increased dramatically. But, unfortunately, most American Christians look at these principles and immediately refute them as impossible “pie in the sky” demands. This is because the average family overspends their income by 4% every year and the debts keep mounting.   6. Every crisis time is reevaluation time. Take time with you church leaders to decide carefully the unique mission of your church. Perhaps it is time to change the question most pastors ask. Instead of asking “how are we going to get people back to our church”… ask… “How are we going to get our church back to the people?” Figure out how to get there.   Our $54,000 debt problem led to a debt free church and enhanced economic freedom for our entire congregation.   Kent, I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing. I will pray for God to lead you as you lead your people through solving this financial problem.   Love, Roger

Dear Roger, My husband & I would like to be cremated after our deaths. Our families do not approve. Is there scripture that will back us in our decision? B   Dear B , As best as I can tell, there is no Bible passage that attempts to give guidelines regarding acceptable burial procedures. No matter which burial practices one follows, the results are always the same: “dust to dust, ashes to ashes”. Job reiterated the final disposition of the body in Job 34:14-15 : “If it were his intention and he withdrew his spirit and breath, all mankind would perish together and man would return to the dust.   The ancient Egyptians embalmed bodies to delay decay and to prepare for the afterlife.   In first century Israel bodies were buried on the day of death! A sixty-foot length of one-foot-wide cloth was wrapped around and around the deceased while all sorts of spices were sprinkled in the wrappings in order to reduce the stench of decay. The bodies were then placed in caves or stone sepulchers.   In more recent times it’s customary to embalm a body before burial in order to delay decay long enough for the family to mourn the deceased and to give time for out-of-town friends and relatives to arrive before the funeral.   Burial procedures are rapidly changing in today’s culture. Many people are turning to cremation as the body disposition of choice. One of the primary drivers in this change is the astronomical cost of having a “traditional funeral”. The costs for embalming, buying a casket and purchasing a piece of ground to put the casket in is cost prohibitive for too many families.   The only long-term difference between embalming and cremation is time. Cremation just speeds up the process.   You may do well to investigate why your family doesn’t approve of your cremation choice. Perhaps they consider cremation as not Biblical. However, as we have seen, cremation is never a Biblical issue.   Perhaps, they are worried that when Jesus returns at the Rapture and the bodies of long-dead Christians are resurrected and transformed into spiritual bodies—that you won’t have a body to resurrect. Frankly, since the first century, most (if not all) bodies are now dust anyway. Since God is big enough to produce a world-wide resurrection, He certainly can make a spiritual body from only a speck of dust–or less.   Perhaps your family wants you in a casket-filled grave so they can have a place for remembering you and your lives together. This desire natural and normal.   Recently, I’ve observed families foregoing the expensive caskets and burial plots by choosing cremation. They then purchase a small cemetery plot in which to bury the ashes. Others scatter the ashes over a prearranged place meaningful to the deceased. Some save a few ashes in a small locket as a token reminder of their loved one. Some ashes reside in burial urns over fireplace mantles.   With all that being said, remember that your body is still your body. Discuss openly with your family that you want to dispose of your body in the way most comfortable to you. In your case, that is cremation.   My mother just traded in her outdoor-burial plot for an indoor-mausoleum space. She decided that she was uncomfortable with the idea that she would be down in the ground with the “worms and maggots!” Then, she got to worrying that above ground a tornado could hit the mausoleum! She wanted to change back; but, she finally decided that worms were worse than tornadoes. If you are more comfortable with cremation then I recommend that you do so. Personally, I want my body cremated. I’ve picked out four-golf courses where I want my family to spread my ashes. I think.   Recently, our church erected a columbarium with small niches for burial urns of ashes. It’s on an outdoor wall of the new chapel. Recently, Julie and I exhumed our first daughter’s ashes from Evergreen Cemetery and placed them in an urn in the niche in the far-left-top row of the columbarium. I’m thinking about changing my mind. I just might have my ashes placed in the niche with Jessie.   After all, the chapel wall sounds like a great final resting place while we wait for the sounds of the resurrection trumpet. Jessie and I could even hold hands together on the way up!   Psalm 103:15-17 gives us a great perspective on cremation–or on any other burial practice:   As for man, his days are like grass, He flourishes like a flower of the field; The wind blows over it and it is gone, And its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting The LORD’s love is with those who fear him, And his righteousness with their children’s children…   Well, B , I hope this helps. Have a great talk with your family.

Dear Roger, I am terrified watching all of the disease and death statistics I see on the news. Eleven states have voted to legalize assisted suicide. I am afraid of suffering or remaining on a ventilator for months just waiting to die. Fearful feelings well up inside of me. I really don’t want to die a lingering death in horrible pain or gasping for breath. Does the Bible advocate mercy-killing? Doesn’t God hate to see his children suffer? Is mercy killing suicide? Sincerely, Scared. Dear Scared, I was loitering outside the ICU door in a local Tucson hospital waiting for the door to be opened from the inside. An intensive care nurse walked up and said quietly: “I think that they ought to put a sign above these doors that says, “Man’s Inhumanity to Man.” I knew exactly what he meant. I’ve watched the sufferings of too many patients with no chance for normal lives being kept alive by artificial means. Some are unconscious and unaware (although new studies reveal that most are much more aware than we give them credit for); others are in excruciating pain which pain killers can’t even begin to alleviate. To be honest with you, in some cases, at the patient’s request, I have prayed for God to take a number of patients on home to Heaven. I used to feel guilty about this, but not anymore. Life and death are in God’s hands anyway. Sometimes the choice is taken out of the patient’s hands by people and laws which prolong their suffering far beyond what I believe God intended. Don’t misunderstand me; I thank God intensive care units that have allowed millions of people to spent time in the ICU recovering from all sorts of surgeries, accidents and life-threatening diseases. In these scenarios the ICU is certainly not, “man’s inhumanity to man.” I’ve spent many days in the ICU myself—and am thankful for every one of them! Jack Kevorkian, nicknamed “Dr. Death” because of his fascination with death, catapulted into public consciousness in 1990 when he used his homemade “suicide machine” in his rusted Volkswagen van to inject lethal drugs into an Alzheimer’s patient who sought his help in dying. Kevorkian, who said he helped some 130 people end their lives from 1990 to 1999 … Charles Colson wrote: “ One study found that 60 percent of Kevorkian’s “patients” weren’t terminally ill. In fact, autopsies revealed that some of them weren’t sick at all! “Ultimately, “physician-assisted suicide” isn’t about compassionate care of the sick and dying, it’s about personal autonomy. The case for it “depends much more on our respect for people’s own desire to die than on our sympathy for their devastating medical conditions.” Too often they become an excuse to devalue human life if citizens are no longer productive in a society. Some Eskimo tribes put their elderly on ice floes and push them out into the Arctic waters—never to be seen or heard from again. Many Native American Indian tribes simply left their elderly behind when they moved to another place. I don’t suppose that this was necessarily looked upon these people as cruel; this was just an accepted way of guaranteeing ongoing survival. I met a cardiologist on the golf course last week and we got to talking about this subject. My new friend told me that in England they now cut off dialysis when a patient reaches the age of sixty. That is scary. Denmark is already enacting laws to legalize assisted suicide. For example, most wars are all about the control of natural resources. Soldiers’ lives are considered less valuable than the resources or real estate for which they are fighting. How sad. The best-known Bible story of assisted suicide is the death of King Saul. Mortally wounded in battle, he begged his servant to take his life. Saul wanted to avoid certain tortuous pain if he were captured alive. His servant refused lest he be held responsible for the death of the king. So, King Saul took his own sword in hand, wedged it into the ground and proceeded to impale himself on it. Disappointed that King Saul was already dead, the Philistines proceeded to “torture” the body anyway. Finally, they severed his head and paraded it around on a stick for all to see and ridicule. What other scriptures deal with this issue? There are many! The Bible says death is an enemy ( 1 Corinthians 15:26 ). Life is a sacred gift from God ( Genesis 2:7 ). When given the choice between life and death, God told Israel to “choose life” ( Deuteronomy 30:19 ). Euthanasia spurns the gift and embraces the curse. The overriding truth that God is sovereign drives us to the conclusion that euthanasia and assisted suicide are wrong. We know that physical death is inevitable for us mortals ( Psalm 89:48 ;  Hebrews 9:27 ). However, God alone is sovereign over when and how a person’s death occurs. Job testifies in  Job 30:23 , “I know you will bring me down to death, to the place appointed for all the living.”  Ecclesiastes 8:8  declares, “No man has power over the wind to contain it; so, no one has power over the day of his death.” God has the final say over death (see  1 Corinthians 15:26 ,  54–56 ;  Hebrews 2:9 ,  14–15 ;  Revelation 21:4 ). Euthanasia and assisted suicide are man’s attempts to usurp that authority from God. Ethics for a Brave New World by John and Paul Feinberg is an exceptional source to study more Bible principles on this issue. By the way, the idea of entering into God’s presence before my appointed time frightens me. Of course, being late for my appointment because of man-made devices to prolong life doesn’t sit well with me either. If I am being kept artificially alive, or especially if I am suffering mercilessly and needlessly, I don’t want an artificially prolonged existence; but, I’m not ready to make the decision to have someone assist me in suicide. I have to be honest when I try to answer your specific questions. I suppose we will all have personal decisions concerning these matters. We will have to really seek to hear from God in our own particular situations. I do believe that “Do Not Resuscitate” orders are permitted because the patient has actually died. Only now do we have the capacity to revive someone. “It is appointed to a man once to die and after that the judgment.” Hebrew 9:27. You ask, “Doesn’t God hate to see his children suffer?” the answer is obvious, “Of course He does.” Now, for your big question: “Is mercy killing suicide?” I would have to say, “Yes.” A gun is a tool people use to carry out the act of suicide. Some use pills. Others use knives to slit their wrists. In mercy killing the tool for suicide just happens to be another human being. The implements are different; but the results are the same. My favorite quote on the subject of the value of human life is by Dr. Russell Moore : “As Christians we need to remind ourselves—and the watching world—that death claimed the cold corpse of an executed Jewish rabbi a couple of thousand years ago. We need to remind those who align themselves with the god of death that this dead rabbi’s heart started beating again one Sunday morning. When his blood-matted eyes opened in the darkness of that tomb, death was swallowed up in victory. He is at the door. And there aren’t enough deadbolts in the cosmos to keep him back. Unlike the rest of the culture, believers don’t cower in the face of death—and we don’t take it lightly either. We take refuge in the One who called Himself “the resurrection and the life” ( John 11:24 ). Well Scared, what tough questions you ask. I am not certain that my musings give you clear-cut definitive answers about every aspect of this issue; but I am not certain that clear-cut answers exist. However, we can pray for God’s wisdom as we sort out our own answers. We can also pray that our need to consider mercy killing or assisted suicide will never arise.  Sincerely, Roger

Dear Roger, I volunteer in Sunday school and recently overheard some of the kids say they wanted to be baptized. I was baptized as a Christian when I was still very much a child. Though I remember the event fondly, I now wish I had waited until I was older to take that step of commitment towards Christ. I didn’t really understand what it meant to dedicate your life to Jesus, and I think I would have appreciated the action more if I’d waited a couple years. Do you think I should mention this to the children, or is it not my place? – Brian   Dear Brian, “I’m a lost sheep, aren’t I?” I said to mom and dad as their ears perked up. We had just returned from church on Sunday night. The pastor preached on the one lost sheep and the ninety-nine safe ones. The Shepherd searches until he finds the lost little lamb and brings him safely home.   I knew enough to know that I was a lost sheep. But, I had no idea what I was lost from. Mom and dad explained the gospel in simple terms. Three days and much discussion, prayer and tears I gave my life to Jesus.   I was seven years old. I was baptized by immersion on Mothers’ day, 1957.   Two weeks later I sensed that God was telling me that He wanted me to be a pastor. Six years later I preached my first sermon. My life’s work was laid out before me. I never wavered.   My story is highly unusual. I made a deep commitment to Christ and stuck to it. Few determine the course of their lives at the age of seven–and stick to it. Of course, some do.   In an Evangelical Church culture where the age of children baptized reaches down to five or four it is no wonder that so many of our church children are getting baptized too early and grow up with little whole-hearted dedication to Christ.   Maybe it is time to stop baptizing children and wait until they are twenty or so and in the process of putting in place their life-long values and commitments. It seems to me that we have an intriguing model of twenty-year-old conversions put in place by God when the spies returned and God punished Israel for their lack of faith. He declared that no one over the age of twenty could cross the Jordan River into the Promised Land.   You may have heard the term, “The age of accountability” which uses the same idea as the story above. The idea is a child has until twenty to make up their mind whether or not they want to follow Christ. The age of accountability varies from person to person–some older/younger than others. If they die before reaching the age of accountability they are not responsible for their sins and thus go to Heaven. However, after reaching the age of accountability they are responsible for their sins and need a personal savior–one who is both Lord and Savior.   Most children aren’t able to declare, “Jesus is Lord,” at the age of nine and have a significant understanding of what they have done. Let’s give them some time to make their own decisions and not hurry them along too quickly to be baptized.   Jesus is searching for those who make life-long decisions of discipleship–not a stroll down the aisle with the words, “I believe in Jesus” followed by baptism that ten years later is proved meaningless.   Study the most demanding sermon that Jesus ever made as recorded in John Six. When He made the cost of discipleship quite clear, four-thousand, nine-hundred and eighty-eight turned on their heels and walked away. Only twelve were left.   “You’re going to go away, too, aren’t you?” said Jesus. expecting them to say, “Yes, we are leaving, too.” Instead, Peter said, “Where shall we go? You have the words of life.” We are in the process of coming to know Christ as our Lord and Savior when we know that there is no place else to go except to Jesus.   By the way, after Jesus preached this sermon everything changed. He ministry went down hill straight to the cross. What are some of the markers that help us know if it is time for a child to declare faith in Christ and be baptized? I will share several. However, this list is certainly not exhaustive.   1. A heart that is broken-hearted over personal sin. I remember the tears as I struggled with the fact that Jesus died for my sins and that I needed a savior (John 16:8-11). No one can come to Christ without dealing with their sin. It is important for anyone to realize if no one had ever sinned but me, Jesus would still die on the Christ for me to forgive my sins.   2. A human spirit that has matured enough to hear and answer a call from God. Our inner-spiritual receptors do not come ready to work. They must be cultivated and matured. The timing of this maturing process varies from person to person. Even Jesus needed time for His human spirit to develop properly (Luke 2:52). Here is where mom, dad, family and church leaders are needed–those who will take the time and effort to help children and teenagers develop their spiritual lives so that they can respond positively with enough understanding and experience when the Holy Spirit convicts them of their sin and need for Christ as Lord and Savior.   3. The ability to know, understand and enunciate the principles of the gospel. It is hard to commitment to something that we don’t understand.   4. A conscious desire to receive Christ as a personal commitment for life.   5. Care is needed when considering whether or not it is time for a child or teenager to make a declaration of faith in Christ and be baptized. There is the danger of what I call spiritual abortion. The seed is planted early but the rocky soil dries out the gospel and/or the thorny soil crowds out the gospel As a result, he childhood proclamation fades into oblivion in later years.   6. BIG CAVEAT: No one has to have all of this straightened out in order to come to Christ. There is no set age when a person can become a Christian (John 1:12). For example, I had no idea of the implications of the Virgin Birth when I was seven. I didn’t even know what a virgin was–but I came to Jesus.   7. Anyone can become a Christian at any time and any age (John 3:16).   May I close with an observation. There is much to be said for the saints of the last generations who didn’t say, “I believe in Jesus” when they were children and then got baptized. They struggled with God until they could make certain that their sins were forgiven and they could make a life-long decision to follow. For example, Charles Spurgeon, John Wesley and John Bunyan were in their twenties when they made decisions to follow Christ–and they never wavered. If we were more like they, we would have more real, dedicated Christians and fewer misguided hypocrites.   Sincerely, Roger

Dear Roger, Our pastor was arrested for DUI recently. This is not his first offense. He is believed to have the alcoholism disease. As a church body what is our responsibility, what should be his consequences, and how can we do this in love knowing that prior DUIs have been swept under the rug, and Pastor has not been forthright with any of the charges, ever. Sincerely, KG Dear KG, Joe handled it best. We were close friends in the ministry. Our churches were about the same size with the same needs and resources. We met once a week for lunch. The fellowship was sweet. The encouragement was deeply appreciated. Our friendship ran deep. Then, surprise! surprise! Suddenly, he was telling he that he was an alcoholic. I had no idea. He reached in his pocket, pulled out his six-month sober coin, and began to tell me his story. I’m stepping down as pastor this Sunday. We have endured a lot together and I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else, he explained. I was stunned. He sure fooled me: “What are you going to do after you resign?” “I didn’t want the church to live through months of pain so I decided to make it quick and simple. I am leaving in two weeks to become pastor of a small church in the Pacific Northwest. Staying sober is one of my top priorities. So, I go to AA meetings twice a week. I don’t want the risk of a large church’s pressure pulling me off the wagon.   KG, let me express the sadness in my heart for your pastor, his family and the church. All three groups will need your attention. Alcoholism usually ends in tragedy not only for the alcoholic but for everyone around them. The devastation spreads like the ripples of a stone tossed into a pond. I understand both your pain and your concern for his wellbeing. You would do most anything to help him get help, wouldn’t you? Of course you would.   Alcoholism is a disease as you mention. It is also an addiction and a sin ( 1 Timothy 3:3 ). Paul wrote in 1 Timothy Three that elders are to be “temperate, self controlled, and not given to drunkenness”. The obvious conclusion is that alcoholics are disqualified to serve as pastors. In other words, your pastor must surrender his position until he is able to receive treatment and conquer his addiction  and demonstrate sobriety for at least a year or more. It is my opinion that you do not have to wait several years for him to “recover”. Staying sober and constantly dealing with the pressures of a church will most likely be more than he can handle.   Alcoholics Anonymous recommends an “intervention” where loved ones make the alcoholic face their problem in the hopes that he/she will get some help.   It is the responsibility of the church leaders, both and men and women, to have an “intervention” with your pastor. You have already tried a couple with heart-breaking results. This approach follows Jesus teaching on how to handle sin in the church ( Matthew 18:15-20 ). Jesus said that those who fail to confess their sin are to be thrown out of the church. Those who acquiesce are to be reconciled with the church and restored to the Christian life. Unfortunately, your pastor has been confronted with his alcoholism and refused to repent. The consequences for his sin is that he can no longer be a pastor. However, if he has a change of heart your church can begin the process of restoration. This is called “church discipline.” The goal here is not punishment. It is restoration. The church is to help him and his family to pick up the pieces and start over again ( John 8:1-12 )   Paul wrote that a pastor’s sin is never to be “swept under the rug.” The congregation must know that elders can’t sin and get away with it while others in the congregation cannot. Read 1 Timothy 5:19-20 carefully: “Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning.” Following this injunction in American culture is tricky. Privacy laws must be navigated carefully. Otherwise, the church may leave itself open to law suits. In my experience, most dismissed, sinning pastors don’t leave quietly. Can you imagine how many times that I’ve had to dismiss a sinning pastor or elder? Too many! The first pastor we had to dismiss had committed adultery with a brand-new Christian. I handled the situation with input from the elders, Biblical principles, and much prayer. A model was forged that I have used continually throughout the past forty years.   Several elders and I confront the sinning minister and tell him/her the accusation and ask them whether or not it is true. He/she have the opportunity to tell the truth. Witnesses have made the truth already clear to us. If they confess and repent then we tell them that they have forfeited their job and that they are no longer a pastor at our church. The trust factor is broken. However, we stand ready to help them take care of family needs and work out with them a plan of restoration. If they refuse, we let them know that their job is forfeited and we can’t help them. It is time to clean out their desks.   I have never once had a pastor try to deny what we all know is true. The main reason is because of their families. They need all the help they can get to navigate such troubled waters–especially financially. If they lie and deny then we can’t help them with a transition time (restoration plan).   With the others, we work out a restoration plan that gives them the opportunity to utilize the church’s care and resources. This restoration plan will include financial help, counseling and other resources as needed.   The congregation is told as soon as possible that this pastor has lost his/her job. Rumors can run wild so I preculde them by saying: “Bill has engaged in a behavior that has broken his trust with us and he has forfeited and compromised his ability to be minister here. We are working out a transitional plan to help them get back on their feet. Now, some of you will be tempted to gossip and try to guess what he has done. Please don’t! He has not done anything that many of you haven’t done yourselves. By the way, I always get permission from the sinning pastor to make this revelation to the entire congregation. Not only does my speech deal with privacy laws, it sets in motion the restoration plan. Again, I am disheartened by your situation. I will remember you in my prayers for all to go well. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, What if you are having thoughts attempting rape, then you position yourself to do it, but then you don’t do it because you know God is watching you. Does God forgive you for if you ask him to forgive you for it? Name Withheld Dear Name Withheld Yes, If you have committed your life to Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord, received Him into your life and asked your Savior to forgive you for your sins then, He will forgive you. The fact is that if you commit the sin of rape and not have your sins forgiven by Jesus when He died on the cross, then God will reserve for you a place in one of the lower levels of Hell. Rape is dastardly thing. I am glad you didn’t act on your feelings. I think we should consider some things about your temptation that may prove helpful you. FIRST, THINK ABOUT THE VICTIM. Most sexual abuse victims never get over what has happened to them. Most lives are ruined forever. Most victims will have trouble having sex for the rest of their lives. Perpetrators have stolen a bit of life from the victim as well as from her husband or future husband. Most rape victims experience incredible shame, rejection, feeling dirty, anger, vulnerability, loneliness and guilt. Most every man (or woman) who experiences rape will seldom, if ever, have normal relationships with men (or women). Those relationships are viewed as threats, never to trust those of the opposite sex. Amnon’s  rape of Tamar, David’s daughter, illustrates well the trauma and shame of rape victims I am copying below 2 Samuel 13:10-22 . It is a story hard to ignore as we consider the victim of rape. It is fascinating reading. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. 11  But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.” 12  “No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. 13  What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? … But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her. Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!” “No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.” But he refused to listen to her. 17  He called his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.” 18  So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went. Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman. 21  When King David heard all this, he was furious. 22  And Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar. Is it any surprise that soon after the rape Tamar’s older brother Absalom murdered Amnon? Most victims bury the horror deep inside until one day it all begins oozing out–often in their 40s. One rape victim came to our church for help. Two of our counselors had special training in helping sex victims get free. I assigned Ann to work with her. The woman’s horror began when she was about fourteen-years old when her step-dad first raped her. He used tricky manipulation to keep her from revealing what was occurring. Then, one day step-dad brought one of his friends home and she was raped again–by both. Then, three friends and then four. Now she is forty and “land minds” are everywhere. She never knows when she or one of her friends will step on one and all sorts of anger and decimated behavior came forth. Ann worked hard to help her heal. Our rape victim received Christ and was baptized. Ann continued her therapy for several years! One of her biggest stumbling blocks was, “Where was God when she was being raped (That is another story for a later time.)? I’d like to tell you that she was fully healed; but, I can’t. She gradually pulled away from counseling and then she was gone. She didn’t leave fully healed and well. She just left. So, consider that something you can do in five minutes can ruin a life for the next fifty years. With patience and care many victims can find healing by integrating the rape into the fabric of their lives–as they do with many other experiences both good and bad. But, keep in mind that no rape victim will get over it quickly or easily. Time and loving care can get the victim well down the road of healing. SECOND, THINK ABOUT GOD. As you mentioned in your letter, God is watching. What do you think He is thinking? How do you think He is feeling? You are breaking his heart. He is watching the victim in her (or his) pleading and screaming, “No! No! Please stop!” Or maybe she is not resisting knowing that the best defense against further harm is not to fight back. God sees the terror in her eyes. He turns His attention to you. Again his heart breaks. One of His creatures is perpetrating such pain and horror against another. He can’t believe you are doing this dastardly deed. Then, He thinks, “Sure he can. Sin is rampant everywhere in My world.” Then, He thinks about Jesus. If the only sin ever committed was this rape, Jesus would still have gone to the cross just to forgive this one sin. FINALLY, THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. Unless you are a sociopath (which I feel certain you aren’t by the way you ask your question) and you commit rape then your conscience will overwhelm you with guilt for the rest of your life. Guilt can be an unrelenting foe ( 1 Timothy 4:2 and Titus 1:15 ). Of course, there is the crime committed and thus the ongoing fear that you will be caught. When Julie and I were first married I hired a young man in his early twenties to help Julie and me plant a garden and do some other yard work. I had to go to the hardware store to pick up some materials. I left Julie working with the young man. I thought nothing more about it until I received a call that one of our members was just arrested for rape. I drove to the jail and there was our lawn man in bright-orange coveralls. He had done his dirty deed and ran to his truck to get away. But, he was trapped in a dry river bed filled with plenty of sand. He was still trying to extricate his truck when the police arrived to take him away. I thanked God that he didn’t select Julie to be his next victim. I felt sad for the woman he did select. Her life will never be the same again. By the way, at his trial, his defense lawyer asked me (since I was his “pastor”) if I would be a character witness on his behalf. I said, “Are you kidding!! The police caught him dead to rights. Besides, it could’ve just as easily been Julie. I don’t want him to have character witnesses, I want him to go to jail!” He did. It soon came out that she was not his first rape; but, hopefully it will be his last. He was locked up and sentenced for decades. One important myth is that rape is the result of an uncontrollable sexual urge. This is seldom true. Rape is much more a criminal act of violence.   Name Withheld, I’ve shared some reasonable thoughts that I hope will be helpful if ever again you are tempted. However, I am concerned about your thoughts regarding rape. I recommend  talking to your pastor or to a good counselor to find out what is “causing” this sort of thinking and strategizing.  You may have some brain chemistry issues or events in your past or present that are enhancing this desire. You may be expressing repressed anger from an earlier time in your life. You know as well as I do that Satan will try to have his “claws” deep into your life tempting you to commit this sin. I suggest that you keep your life pure so that he cannot gain a foothold.   Sincerely, Ask Roger

Dear Roger, Hi! I am separated with two kids who I take care by myself . I had to make a stop to violence and abuse in my marriage. Physically i was also risking my life and emotionally I was feeling very low . . . . I did my utmost to save the marriage but I had to do what I never dreamed I would against my will for I loved him and even now maybe there is a bit of me still does but I cant trust him to be with him. He does not love me and also shows that in his actions even in mediation he came to punch me in front of people. . . . Physically it is impossible to me emotionally its hard. I had many repercussions after abuse lack of sleep , anxiety , depression , isolation still fight emotions .I find hard t trust I have a phobia of men . . .   Very hard, I gave him chances and went with him to groups to rebuilt everything but no use. . . . Once he nearly strangled me and it was a circle of abuse never ending that not take anymore. . . .   I would like to ask you am I not entitled to love again and receive true love just because my marriage did not function. Am I going to suffer more internally because of the love denied and not ever having human love.   I value the sacrament of marriage but I felt cornered to do what i never wanted and I realized that love is not forever when I saw how he treated me.   I forgave my ex even if it is hard and had to let him go to find the peace and respect I never had. The last words of my ex were “you will have nothing ,you are not entitled to have love ever again in my life.” but I know deep down its not right.   Knowing the church to be strict to the unfortunate situations of others makes me feel sad and also more lonely inside and heartbroken. If God created man to be with a woman so how come I am eternally forbidden to have a man if my ex does not want to be a man with me?   How can I be with someone who wants me dead?   Does not God wants my own happiness I ask? I feel miserable inside knowing I am a prisoner of the religion. I find life can be even beautiful even when you find your independence but when a person inside wish to have somebody and you say forever no its very unbearable. how can that person feel complete and happy on earth when denied I ask. . . . I feel like I am punished , I have the Love of God yes and you can say I have all I need but still I wish many times to have someone to love me back .Why not if he respects me and love me truly, something my ex did not do.   For now I am confused what to think of religion regarding this I never had a clear answer. People tell you no but my heart says its not what I deserve.. I appreciate answer Thanks, Alice Dear Alice,   Your story does more than break my heart. I am angry that your ex husband was such a wicked, abusive, despicable and vindictive man. You are a special woman to be able to forgive him. The strength this gives is valuable; but as much pain as your letter contains leads me to believe that there are still agonizing pains and piles of hurt. May God grant you a total and complete emotional and mental healing.   I grieve that you failed to have a loving marriage and a dedicated partner to making a marriage like God designed it to be. May God lead you to a great man and to a wonderful second marriage that far surpasses all the love you missed, great companionship and the delight that God wanted for your first marriage.   I believe that the religious people who told you that God says that you can never marry again are miserably mistaken. God said to Adam in Genesis 2:18 : “It is not good for man to be alone” . . . . then created Eve to be his partner and companion in marriage. The first place that God wants people to have their alone needs met in the context of marriage. If they aren’t met there, he wants them met in our families. If our families are not healthy then the church is to be the safety net for meeting needs.   Fortunately, you are not doomed to a life of lonely misery. The Bible is careful to tell us that when marriages sour, He is more interested in picking up the pieces and helping us start over than He is in punishing us for our past failures.   God says that if you have Biblical grounds for divorce then you always have Biblical grounds for remarriage. Here are the Biblical grounds for divorce as I see them:   1. Adultery is always grounds for divorce ( Matthew 5:31-32 ). 2. A Christian may divorce a non-Christian if the non-Christian wants to divorce ( 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 ). 3. Physical abuse, and in many cases emotional, cruel and/or mental abuse may mean that it is time to consider abandoning the marriage ( Malachi 2:16 ). 4. The husband who consistently refuses to live up his responsibility of loving his wife as Jesus loved the church, may, in some cases, have violated his marriage vows and made the marriage contract null and void ( Ephesians 5:25-33 ). 5. The wife who undermines and/or disrespects her loving husband, may, in some cases, have violated her marriage vows and made the marriage contract null and void ( Ephesians 5:22-24 ). 6. The husband who refuses to get a job in order to meet the needs of his family is worse than an unbelieving non-Christian ( 1 Timothy 5:8 ). He has forfeited his role as a husband and violated his marriage vows. 7. God never intended for people who are divorced without Biblical grounds to remain single forever ( Genesis 2:18 and Matthew 5:32 ; 19:8-9 ). 8. If you have proper grounds for a divorce, then you have proper grounds to remarry ( 1 Corinthians 7:15 , 39 ). 9. If your previous partner has remarried, reconciliation is impossible. There is freedom to remarry. 10. In certain cases it is God’s will to remain unmarried ( 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 ). 11. When a marriage is irrevocably marred and broken it may well be time for both parties to consider simply picking up the pieces and starting over again ( John 8:1-12 ).   You have the right to for divorce and remarriage base on numbers one, two, three and eleven. You may open your heart and pray for God to bring the right man into your life. I will pray that God will grant you many great days ahead with the right man.   Now we need to talk about your church and the way they have treated you. It sounds to me like they have hurt you deeply, given you some unsound advice and put limits on what you can do with the rest of your life. It sounds like you are suffering, hurt and ostracized by the people in your religion. I am so sorry they have mistreated you like that. I imagine you must feel like they have deserted you–that nobody cares. I would imagine that you struggle with being alone. This is not good.   I read in the newspaper about a 14-year-old boy who took his own life because “no one seemed to care.” He felt no love from anyone, except his dog, and in a brief suicide note written to his parents, he left instructions for the care of his dog. “No one seemed to care.” What a sharp rebuke to our lack of love — or lack of showing our love. It is likely that the boy’s parents really did care, but distracted by the cares of everyday living, they failed to communicate their love.   You might consider finding a church that is more loving and more graceful in its approach to the Bible and to others.   Paul described how a church should handle a person who has sinned or has repented from their sin when they want to be part of the church family. (By the way, from what you shared with me, you have not sinned.). The proper church behavior is found in 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 . In 1 Corinthians 5 Paul told the church to put a man who sinned and refused to repent out of their church fellowship until he changed his mind. In 2 Corinthians 5 he repented and wanted to come back to Jesus and to the church. Paul told them to open their arms and receive him back for several reasons.   By their attitude your church has ostracized you. It is time for them to welcome you back with grace and not with judgment. These principles are not just for you. Paul’s directions apply to all churches of all time. (1) be aware of the schemes of Satan (2) deal honestly in the open with the issues (3) forgive like Jesus (4) comfort like Christ (5) open up and express love to those who are hurting   I love the following illustration by Chuck Swindoll from his book, “The Tardy Oxcart”. He describes what church ought to be like.   LESSONS FROM A TAVERN By Charles Swindoll An old Marine Corps buddy of mine, to my pleasant surprise, came to know Christ after he was discharged. I say surprise because he cursed loudly, fought hard, chased women, drank heavily, loved war and weapons, and hated chapel services A number of months ago, I wan into this fellow, and after we’d talked awhile, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “You know, Chuck, the only thing I still miss is that old fellowship I used to have with all the guys down at the tavern. I remember how we used to sit around and laugh and drink a pitcher of beer and tell stories and let our hair down. I can’t find anything like that for Christians. I no longer have a place to admit my faults and talk about my battles – where somebody won’t preach at me and frown and quite me a verse.” It wasn’t one month later that in my reading I came across this profound paragraph: “The neighborhood bar is probably the best counterfeit that there is to the fellowship Christ wants to give his church. It’s an imitation, dispensing liquor instead of grace, escape rather than reality – but it is a permissive, accepting, and inclusive fellowship. It is unshockable. It is democratic. You can tell people secrets, and they usually don’t tell others or even want to. The bar flourishes not because most people are alcoholics, but because God put into the human heart the desire to know and be known, to love and be loved, and so many seek a counterfeit at the price of a few beers With all my heart,” this writer concludes, “I believe that Christ wants his people to be unshockable, a fellowship where people can come in and say, ‘I’m sunk, I’m beat, I’ve had it.’ Alcoholics Anonymous has this quality – our churches too often miss it.” Now before you take up arms to shoot some wag that would compare your church to the corner bar, stop and ask yourself some tough questions, like I had to do. Make a list of some possible embarrassing situations people may not know how to handle. A woman discovers her husband is a practicing homosexual. Where in the church can she find help where she’s secure with her secret? Your spouse talks about separation or divorce. To whom in the church do you tell it? Your daughter is pregnant, and she’s run away – for the third time. She’s no longer listening to you. Who do you tell that to? Financially you were unwise, and you’re in deep trouble. Or a your wife is an alcoholic. Or something as horrible as getting back the biopsy from the surgeon, and it reveals cancer, and the prognosis isn’t good. Or you had an emotional breakdown. To whom do you tell it?   I want to go to a church like the local tavern. I suppose you do, too.   By the way, I almost forgot to answer the most important question that you asked: “How do I live with someone who wants me dead?” You don’t. You get of there as fast as possible.   I hope my answer is helpful to you. Love, Roger

Dear Roger, Is it OK for Christians to take anti-depressants? Sincerely, Roger Dear Roger, I used to tell people that if Job had been a better Christian he would never have gotten so depressed. Was I ever wrong—and hurtful to others! I used to believe that living with the power of Christ, good Christians would never get depressed—and if they did—it was because they weren’t good Christians. You know the story of Job. The Lord God and Satan had a bet that the only reason Job served God was because of the divine blessings heaped upon him. “Take away the blessings and he will curse You,” said Satan. Job was simply a pawn in the spiritual battle that soon commenced. Satan destroyed his health, family and possessions; but, Job never once stooped to cursing God. As chapter three begins, Job was falling into abject depression and despair. Of course, who wouldn’t? His pain and losses were incredible. He was enduring what we often call today, “situational depression.”   Read the following verses and see if you can immerse yourself emotionally with Job’s pain and despair. Job 3:1-3 : After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth. He said: “May the day of my birth perish, …” Job 3:11 : “Why did I not perish at birth and die as I came from the womb?” Job 3:16 : Why was I not hidden in the ground like a stillborn child, like an infant who never saw the light of day? Job 3:25-26 : What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.”   It is cruel to tell someone that if he or she were just a better Christian he or she wouldn’t feel like this! In fact, heaping guilt was exactly what Job’s three friends did when they arrived to comfort him. After listening to their accusations Job said to them, “Miserable comforters are you all.” Jesus taught us that people who are hurting need comfort—not lectures, criticism, guilt, or encouragement.   Now, can you imagine that some people go through pain and agony like Job—only their pain and depression are not situational—but, brain chemistry imbalances. These poor people actually experience all the feelings of Job even though life isn’t treating them badly. We might call their problem, “clinical depression.” Depression can range from mildly uncomfortable to absolutely debilitating. From my perspective, telling people to “snap out of it,” or “life isn’t that bad,” or “just think happy thoughts,” or “if you would pray more you wouldn’t feel this way,” is absolutely cruel.   I know, I’ve been there. I was once so depressed that I stood on a third-story balcony deciding just how I might jump off. I realized that to jump feet was to risk just breaking my legs and then having to explain what in the heck I was doing up there. On the other hand, plunging off face first was really going to hurt. I didn’t want to do that. So, I sat on the balcony and just cried for awhile and finally got up and went home.   I remember some nights feeling as I my life were spinning absolutely out of control—and I was helpless to stop it. “Julie,” I would say, “I feel so depressed. I think everything around us is breaking apart. I am probably going to get fired! It seems that there is no way out. Every emotion in me is telling me that we are falling into ruin. In my rational mind, I know it’s not true—I think. But, I’m just not sure. Tell me the truth. I will have to trust what you see. Is any of this true?’ “No,” she would say. But it sure seemed that way to me.   One day I went for an appointment to my long-time-doctor friend. As we sat in his office I mentioned to him, “You know, Terry, I’ve decided that I could never commit suicide; but, if I ever have a heart attack, I’m just not going to bother to call 911.” He replied, “Oh, Roger, that’s terrible. How long have you felt this way?” “I guess since I was in high school.” “I am so sorry. Here try some of these.” He handed me some samples of an anti-depressant. I returned for a follow up several months later. I was so excited. My depression had all but dissipated! I said to Terry, “It’s like I’ve put on rose-colored glasses!” “No,” he said, “The anti-depressant just took off the gray ones!”   For the previous three decades of my life I thought that my gray glasses were normal. I now know that most depression and bi-polar problems manifest during and/or shortly after adolescence. Looking back, that was certainly my experience.   About a year after my introduction to this medication Julie bought me a new wedding ring. I still have the one she gave me when we married. It is in a door in my desk. The hidden one we call, “before meds.” We call the new ring, “after meds”. This is how much my life has changed since bringing my brain chemistry problems under control.   I have learned a lot about SSRIs and dopamine and serotonin and all sorts of other neurotransmitters. As a pastor I see these neurotransmitter “imbalance” problems as the root cause of so many personal pains and problems—not just for the individual who is suffering, but for their family and friends as well.   I’ve noticed that some Christian people have a strong bias against Christians balancing out their brain chemistry issues in order to lead more normal lives.   Here is my conclusion. If you suffer from any sort of depressive or bi-polar spectrum disorder —or suspect that you might—pray hard for God’s healing hand upon your life. If He chooses to heal you, great! Problem solved!   If, on the other hand, your suffering continues, have no qualms about seeking medical help. I mean, after all, if your thyroid were not producing enough thyroid hormone and your doctor told you that Synthroid would solve the problem, you would take the medicine without a moment’s hesitation. By the way, one of the side effects of hypothyroidism is depression. If your doctor—and be sure to find one familiar with treating brain chemistry issues—prescribes an anti-depressant and it works, praise God, take your medicine and go on with life. If your problem gets no better, but, perhaps, even intensifies, your depression may originate from a bi-polar type of brain chemistry and need another approach. What ever. No one need suffer mercilessly from the agony of depression when so many good prescription remedies are available.   Well, Roger, I hope these thoughts are helpful—especially for those of us who suffer depression. May God work through your doctor to help you remove your dark glasses. They may not be rose colored; but they certainly will make life look brighter   Love, Roger

Dear Roger, Why did so many people of the bible sit under trees or go into nature to hear God? I’m sure there is a connection.. but is there a stronger connection for us with God in nature?” Sincerely, Holly   Dear Holly, The Bible records God speaking to many people in a variety of places. God can speak anywhere at any time and any where He wants to. However, you are on to something when you ask about God speaking to people under trees and in nature. Here are some Biblical examples of where and how God may speak. Notice that some times are indoors, outdoors, in nature and indoors. Jesus Christ speaks to us ( Hebrews 1:1-3 ) when we read our bibles ( Psalms 119:105 ) wherever we might be. God speaks to us when we are outside riding  donkeys ( Numbers 22:30 ). God speaks to children when they are in their bedrooms Bedtime ( 1 Samuel 3:8-9 ). God speaks to us when we are outside looking at the stars ( Romans 1:20 ). God speaks to us in church ( Isaiah 6:1-7 ). God speaks when we are sitting beside bushes ( Exodus 3:1-4 ). God speaks to us when we are asleep ( Joel 2:28 ). God speaks to us deep in our inner most human spirit ( Jeremiah 29:12-13 ). God speaks to us during storms, wind, earthquakes and fire ( 1 Kings 19:11-13 ). God speaks to us when we are sitting under trees ( Jonah 4:6 ). Finally, God speaks us to in nature when everything is quiet ( 1 Kings 19:13 ). As you can see, God speaks in many ways and in various places.  However, there is a difference between God speaking and our hearing Him. The best way to hear God speak is to get alone and listen–especially in nature–basking in God’s creation–as long as it is quiet and peaceful where you are. Throughout history the Christian mystics have championed this practice. Let me recommend three books you will find useful. First, “Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ,” by Madam Guyon. Next are the prayers and works of St. Thomas of Aquinas. Finally is a little book called, “Brother Lawrence” that you will find most special.” Let me share how this works for me. First, I quiet down my mind. Isn’t it amazing how much we can think about when we are trying to be quiet. Second, every time my mind wonders, I try to take Paul’s advice and get control of my thoughts by once again focusing on being quiet before the Lord. Finally, when all is quiet, it is time to proceed. I do this in three ways. I pray slowly and thoughtfully through a passage in the Bible and listen to see if I sense God speaking to me. Sometimes I will contemplate on a bible story and try to put myself, my emotions, feelings and behaviors right into the story. It always amazes me how much I sense God and am instructed by Him in these imagined stories. Often, following the guidelines of Hebrews 4:12 , I quiet my mind and allow the Word of God to “divide between soul and spirit.” As I listen, I try to discern whether what I hear emanates from my soul (my mind), or from my deep, inner, human spirit where the Holy Spirit lives. The soul is the inner part of me which is my own mind or self. The soul is my organ for intellect, will and emotions ( Hebrews 4:12 ). My human spirit is the center of my worship and communication with Jesus. When properly cultivated, our human spirit is most dependable and useful in hearing God speak. God speaks to us in the Bible and we speak to Him in prayer. This is described as praying in the mind . The Holy Spirit also speaks to us in our innermost human spirit. We speak back from out of our innermost human spirit to the Holy Spirit. This what Paul calls praying in the spirit . I am careful in listening for the voice of God. His is not the only voice that speaks. I don’t want to be misled by my own imaginings, and I certainly do not care to be fooled by Satan’s temptations, accusations, or deceits. Neither do I want to be led astray by human ignorance, stupidity or misguided spirituality. During a worship service a woman whispered quietly to Julie: “I have a word from the Lord for you. You will be like the prophetess, Anna, in Luke 2 . You will be widowed after seven years and spend the rest of your life ministering in sweet service to Jesus.” “Don’t you see me standing here?” I wanted to ask. “Julie’s my fiancé. We’re getting married in June.” I held my tongue and looked at the young girl who would soon be my wife. If this nosy woman were right, I’d be dead in seven years. On our seventh anniversary I stayed awake until midnight just to be sure that the voice she had been listening to was not God’s. God’s voice is not the only voice that speaks. Self and Satan can both wreak havoc in the lives of Christians who are unable to distinguish among the three. Whenever I sense what may be a word from God, I refuse to accept it until I carefully consider whether I am hearing from God, Myself, Satan, or hard-of-hearing, misguided humans. When people say, “God told me…” I often respond, “How are you certain the words were from God?” If they can’t give a definitive answer then I seldom consider the message they are delivering. I don’t want to make a mistake and follow the wrong voice. Over the years, I’ve developed a biblical checklist of what I think God’s voice sounds like. The list is in broad generalizations and is certainly not complete, nor foolproof. No one point is sufficient to prove or disprove the voice of God. Nevertheless, I believe that these principles are helpful when they line up in a sensible, godly fashion. God tends to speak with gentle leadings in contrast to what I often perceive to be the compulsive, clamoring, loud demands of Self or Satan ( 1 Kings 19:11-13 ). God’s voice produces freedom. Self’s or Satan’s voice often produces bondage ( Matthew 11:28-30 ). God tends to speak when we are consciously seeking Him. Self or Satan tend to speak with sudden intrusions of thoughts into the mind ( Jeremiah 29:12-13 ). When God speaks there is a definite sense that everything is under control. When Self or Satan speaks there is an inner sense that something is out of control ( Psalms 37:4 ). God gives clear-cut, specific directions. Self or Satan often communicates in confused, uncertain wonderings God convicts of specific sins. Self and Satan often accuse in broad generalities that leave a lingering sense of haunting and unfocused guilt ( John 16:8 ). God speaks with 100 percent truth that can be tested by the Word of God. Self and Satan often traffic in lies, deceit and half-truths ( John 14:6 ). God’s voice always leads to a deep, abiding sense of peace. Self or Satan often do not ( Philippians 4:7 ). God’s voice is testable and confirmed by the wisdom of many counselors ( Proverbs 11:14 ; Deuteronomy 19:15 ; and  Matthew 18:16 ). We were considering the relocation of our church operations. Full parking lots and six weekend worship services had maxed-out our site. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror one Saturday I almost dropped my razor at the thought that flashed into my mind. Instead of going to all the trouble and expense of relocating, why not purchase the eight houses surrounding our property? We could build a new worship center and expand our parking lots to make room for new growth. I thanked God for revealing this new course of action. I told our church leaders what God told me and led the church to make plans to purchase the adjoining houses. The surrounding subdivision deed restrictions required that a majority of the one-hundred fifty-six nearby homeowners agree with the required rezoning and sale. Six months, numerous unpleasant neighborhood association meetings, and well over one hundred irate neighbors later, we called off the deal. I was still licking my wounds when a wise saint said to me privately, “You ignored the Tenth Commandment: ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s house.’” I am careful in listening for the voice of God. His is not the only voice that speaks. I don’t want to be misled by my own imaginings, and I certainly do not care to be fooled by Satan’s temptations, accusations, or deceits. Neither do I want to be led astray by human ignorance, stupidity or misguided spirituality. Whenever I sense what may be a word from God, I refuse to accept it until I carefully consider whether I am hearing from God, Myself, Satan, or hard-of-hearing, misguided humans. When people say, “God told me…” I often respond, “How are you certain the words were from God?” If they can’t give a definitive answer then I seldom consider the message they are delivering. I don’t want to make a mistake and follow the wrong voice.   Well, Holly, I hope that my answer is helpful. I answered a little more than you asked. However, I hope that the extra material is helpful as well.   Love, Roger

Hi, Roger, I would like to know if it is a sin if a woman doesn’t cover her head when praying and worshiping the lord. Or even to step inside God’s church with her head uncovered? Naki Hi Roger, Please explain “head covering” as in 1 Corinthians 11:5 . Should women be covering their heads with scarves or doilies or is it referring to hair? Thank you. Susan Dear Naki and Susan, The problem with women’s hair mentioned in 1 Corinthians 11 is that some women were praying and preaching in church with their heads uncovered. They refused to wear a veil or to wear their hair long. Some of the men were praying and preaching with their heads covered. They were wearing caps or long hair.   At first glance the hair issue in 1 Corinthians 11:2-16 is totally irrelevant to us today. The problem with dismissing it out of hand is that Paul turns this into a theological issue. The reason women are to have their heads covered and men are to be uncovered is “because of the angels” ( 1 Corinthians 11:10 ).   If wearing the right or wrong hat might adversely affect angels then we had better get our head covering correct.   Only in recent times have women abandoned the practice of wearing hats and long hair in church. Women of past generations all wore hats, shawls and coverings in church. I remember my mom and her friends would never go to church without a hat. Things have certainly changed. This verse has fallen out of favor and the teaching is generally ignored today.   In addition to Angels Paul brings up another theological issue when he wrote: “Does not the very nature of things tell us that it is a dishonor to a man if he lets his hair grow long? But if a woman lets her hair grow long it is her glory because her hair was given to her as a covering.”   This observation seems to transcend time and eternity.   Of course, Samson in the Old Testament took a Nazarite vow, part of which was for his hair never to be cut. Was his long hair wrong since the Nazarite vow was both a religious and spiritual vow of devotion to God? Apparently not.   Much of Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 11:2-16 is seen in the backdrop of the culture of Paul’s time. This letter is to the church in Corinth which was known as the most liscensous in the Mediterranean world. Women (and men) were breaking all bounds of decency. Too often the church becomes a reflection of society. That was the case in the First Baptist Church in Corinth.   Let’s try to get a relevant teaching for today from Paul’s instructions to both men and women.   To this day Middle Eastern women wear the “ yashmak” which is a long veil leaving the forehead and eyes open but reaching down almost to the feet.   Veils had (and still have) four main purposes: respect, protection, modesty and submission. No respectable woman would think of going outside without it. (Of course, we are seeing more and more “veils” as Middle Eastern immigrants move into our country.)    Let’s talk about the first three: respect, protection, and modesty. The following story illustrates all three.   Julie and I got lost in the giant bazaar (shopping mall) in Istanbul, Turkey. I’m not surprised. It is twenty acres of covered shops and eating places with streets traversing, twisting, and twirling pathways of lostness.   We exited onto a back alley. Men were sitting around smoking and joking as Julie and I uncomfortably walked by. As we passed they began to make the most vulgar, inappropriate and crude sexual offers of what they wanted to do with Julie. I remember thinking, “Don’t they understand that she is with me. I am here to protect her. They ignored me and continued their sexual assaults on Julie.   When we were running a gauntlet. When we exited Julie went immediately to a street vendor and bought a scarf. All comments and innuendoes ceased as we continued shopping with her head covered.   Sir William Ramsey explains it like this: “In Oriental lands the veil is the power and honor and dignity of the woman. With a veil on her head she can go anywhere in security and profound respect.” On the other hand, without the veil a woman’s authority and dignity vanish.   Just like men, women need respect, protection and modesty. Wearing the veil in public provides all three.   Finally, the veil is a symbol of submission.   In the opening verses of this passage Paul wrote about the aspect of submission. In the opening verses he referred to the fact that man was created before woman and is thus “over” the woman: “But I want you to know that Christ is the Head of every man, and that the man is the head of every woman and that God is the Head of Christ.”   The significance of submission goes right to the heart of marriage. Please take time to read Ephesians 5:21-33 where Paul discussed this subject. He taught that the husband is the “Head” of his wife and thus is to love his wife as Jesus loved His church and sacrificed His life for it. The wife is then to respect her husband. When “headship” is properly conveyed in marriage the woman is protected and secure. Respecting a husband is easy when the husband expresses his headship by loving his wife with Christ as his model. This means that the wife comes first. It is the responsibility of the “Head” to take care of those “under” them. It is easy for a wife to respect a husband whose top priority in marriage is to love his wife like Christ loved the church.   No matter what time or culture we live in it is always time for our lives to be respectable, on the look out to protect those in need of protection, modest and full of sacrificial love no matter how short or long we wear our hairstyles or hats–or caps.   I recently attended a worship service where mom and daughter played a classical piano duet as part of the service. Daughter was a piano prodigy. Her playing was incredible. So were her legs. Whether or not she should have covered her head I do not know; but she at least could have covered her legs as she “tickled the keys”. Little worship occurred as everyone around me was whispering about her tiny skirt. What a contrast to the sixteen-year-old cellist twenty feet away who knew how to bring glory to Jesus by not focusing on herself.   Now about those angels. We move here carefully because we are talking about angels! No one knows for certain what Paul meant about these angels, but I imagine that Paul is referring to the strange story in Genesis 6:1-2 which described how angels fell prey to the charms of mortal women and so fell. It may be the idea that an unveiled woman is a temptation even to the angels! An old rabbinic teaching said that it was the beauty of women’s long hair which tempted the angels!   In a practical sense, in today’s unchurched–non-Christian culture making hats and hairstyles an issue will be of little help in reaching a lost generation for Christ. If the spiritually mature want to follow this teaching theologically, then by all means let them do so.   I hope this helps.   Love, Roger

Dear Roger, I have been in an affair with the pastor of my church for 15 years. Now that it is ending, do I have any legal rights for damages?   -Name Withheld Dear Name Withheld, I read your questions with much pain and sorrow in my own heart. I have dealt with people trapped in affairs way too many times. The pain, hurt and misery are incredible. Fifteen years is a long time. Your relationship with your pastor has most likely overwhelmed your emotions, hopes, dreams and expectations (and hopefully a sense of guilt as well). I am so sorry for the pain and confusion that you are experiencing. If parts of my answer appear to be rather harsh, I don’t mean them to be so. I do hope that you find my thoughts and ideas to be helpful and Biblically based. While there are many Bible verses that have a bearing on your situation, the most explicit is in  1 Corinthians 6:1-11 . Please take some time to read this passage. It contains all the information you need to make the right decision. “If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? 2 Or do you not know that the Lord’s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4 Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church? 5 I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6 But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers! … Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?  … 8 Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers and sisters. 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” The answer to your question is simple. You have a legal right to sue your pastor. When a harm is perceived or actually occurs, people can sue just about anyone they want to for most anything. I am not a lawyer so I am not giving any official legal advice; but I can give you some of my pastoral observations from dealing with others who had questions like yours. Pastors have a responsibility to their parishioners to provide them with protection, security and care. If they violate this, pastors leave themselves open to lawsuits. The reason military officers are forbidden to date enlisted persons has to do with the possibility of manipulation and abuse. From my experience, pastors can use their position to manipulate and/or hold sway over people who are unwise, ignorant or easily influenced by the actions and behaviors of those they look up to. As far as I can determine, pastors have been accused, sued successfully and/or imprisoned for taking advantage of those under their care. Think Roman Catholic priests! I will not speculate on how the court system would look at a fifteen-year affair as anything but consensual–unless the pastor is found to be guilty of taking advantage of you when you were quite young. But, again, I can give you no legal advice these matters because I am neither qualified or a lawyer. You need to talk to a good lawyer about these things. However, I can share with you what the Bible asks you to do. First, in your case, as a Christian, you are not to sue your pastor in court. Christians are not to sue in secular courts because it gives outsiders the impression that Christians who are to love and follow the example of Christ are hypocritically no different in their relationships than anyone else. Now it gets a little sticky. Paul says that pastors who commit adultery must resign and begin to put their–and their family’s–lives back together. Second, where are you to go to gain satisfaction in this matter? You take grievances to the church and allow the church’s spiritual leaders to deal with the issues (see  Matthew 18:15-17  and  Galatians 6:1-2 ). Paul says that the sins of pastors are not to be glossed over. They must be dealt with like the sins of anyone else in the church. Accusations against a pastor or elder are entertained only on the testimony of two witnesses ( 1 Timothy 5:19 ). You seem only to have one–yourself. Are there others in the church or among your friends who will corroborate your story? Third, of course, when you expose the pastor you put yourself at risk of exposing yourself as his/her sexual partner. At that point, you will most likely come under church discipline for your past sinful behavior. I hope that your church leaders understand that church discipline is for restoration and not for punishment! Keep in mind that your behavior has put not only two families but also extended families at risk of agonizing turmoil when the truth is known. I am often asked whether or not someone with a skeleton in their closet must tell their husband or wife about their past sin. Consider carefully how to approach your partner lovingly, humbly and honestly. Only through God’s grace and unconditional love can a marriage survive. On the other hand, I have seen too many marriages fall apart when the skeleton comes out of the closet. The Bible teaches that skeleton sins need to be exhumed by confession, repentance and forgiveness from God. It may be in every one’s best interests to do the confessing to a pastor, priest, or other church leader instead of to a marriage partner who was never involved anyway. Fourth, instead of seeking damages in a secular court, why don’t you consider that the Christ-like way to handle this is, as Paul says above, “ Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?” Paul is talking about forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you treat the experience as if nothing happened. It does not mean that you have to, “let them off the hook.” They are still on God’s hook: “Vengeance is mine says the Lord.” It does not mean that we forget what they did to us. While the pain may be great God’s grace can heal over time. It does not mean that we must restore the relationship with the one who wronged us. We can restore the relationship if we choose, but we don’t have to. You know that you have forgiven them when you don’t want to hurt them anymore. Finally, let’s talk about humility, sin and responsibility. Yours. Instead of plotting how to get revenge or profit from your fifteen-year adultery, read again what Paul wrote and let it break your heart. 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral … nor adulterers … will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. Your pastor did not commit this sin in isolation. You were a big part of it. I suggest that before you go any further, you let the Holy Spirit wash over your heart how broken hearted is your Heavenly Father. It is time for what Paul called, “godly sorrow”. This means you begin to feel about your sin as God feels about your sin. Imagine fifteen years of watching your adultery–every time you engaged the practice. He is weeping over your sin. After experiencing a little godly sorrow ( 1 Corinthians 7:10 ) you will be in a much better position to decide how to handle this tragedy and whether or not to sue your pastor. Well, Name Withheld, I hope that I have given you some “food” for thought as you work through this difficult time in your life. I am so broken hearted for you and your pastor. I have seen too much agony in the lives of people who commit adultery. I am so sorry you got caught up in it. I will ask God to pour wisdom into your heart as you decide how to proceed.

Dear Roger, Recently, I discovered that some very close Christian friends of ours are involved in “swinging”, where they basically trade each other for sex with other consenting couples. We sort of stumbled upon this discovery and now, it is incredibly awkward for us to even have the relationship knowing this fact and we are torn on what to do. The couple would never do it with friends (one of their rules) but they are open to doing this with other random couples that they meet online, etc. While I understand that all couples have to keep their sex lives healthy and exciting, I believe that as a Christian, this crosses the line. This other couple is also Christian and they have been adamant that there is no scriptural evidence that their lifestyle is sinful. They justify it that it is only for the excitement and that it helps their personal sex life and they are not pursuing relationships with the people they swing with. However, as Christian friends, I am unsure what to do. I don’t want to judge our friends but how can I approach this subject with Christians who choose to do this and have seemingly already justified the lifestyle? They have 4 children under 10 and obviously keep this from them and any of their other friends and family. At this point, my wife and I feel that our best solution is to try and bring scripture to them and share our concerns as friends, but we feel they will dismiss it as they have already “researched” this topic and feel comfortable with it. I can’t just pretend I don’t care but I am concerned that even approaching them about the subject could end the relationship. Any thoughts would be helpful. Name Withheld   Dear Name Withheld, Several defining verses come immediately to mind: “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people” ( Ephesians 5:3 ). One definition of sexual immorality is sex with someone who is not your spouse. Another term for this behavior is “adultery”. The fact that you know of their “secret” means that the hint is public.   The writer to the Hebrews could not have been more explicit: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” ( Hebrews 13:4-5 ).   It seems to me that whatever research they did was “VERY POOR RESEARCH”! They obviously looked in all the wrong places. I imagine that the conclusions they reached are the ones that can be found in Playboy and Hustler and a variety of internet porn sites. Is anyone surprised these days by the wild variety of justifications Christian people employ to delude themselves into believing that their sinful behaviors aren’t really sin? I think not! The world may swing; but, according to Romans 1:18-32 the people in the world don’t know any better. We Christians, on the other hand, know better–mostly. We Christians are Christ indwelt and therefore distinctive in our love for the truth, for Jesus, for purity and for holiness.   Wikipedia describes swinging like this:   Swinging or partner swapping is a non-monogamous behavior, in which both partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other couples as a recreational or social activity. Swinging can take place in a number of contexts, ranging from a spontaneous sexual activity at an informal social gathering of friends to planned or regular social gatherings to hooking up with like-minded couples at a swingers’ club and can involve internet-based introduction services.   Swinging made inroads into American social life during the 1960s (and has continued ever since) sexual revolution spurred on by the invention of the contraceptive pill and the emphasis on safe sex.   In the late 1950’s Polaroid came out with the “Land Camera.” Pictures were developed instantaneously inside the camera itself. Take the picture and seconds later the developed photo was in your hands. In the early 1960s Polaroid came out with a low-cost version called the “Swinger”. I didn’t think much about it until several years later when I put 2 and 2 together and realized that couples could take compromising pictures of each other and have them developed moments later thus avoiding the need to have them developed at the drug store—where developing sexually indecent photos was illegal. Of course, swinging is nothing new. King Herod did a little swinging with his brother Phillip’s wife, Herodias ( Mark 6:17 ).   All I know about swinging comes from the entertainment pages and the sports section.   My freshman year in college I went to an “R” rated movie with Mike, Becky and Allison. We were pals—best friends growing up. In those days an “R” rating was close to today’s PG. I didn’t want to go; but they talked me into it. Really. Bob and Carol, Ted and Alice was about swinging. I don’t remember much about the movie; but I do recall that one husband and one wife, not married to each other, worked hard to convince the other husband and wife, not married to try it. Bob and Alice had a great time; Ted and Carol didn’t. Maybe it was the other way around—but who cares. People got hurt before it was all over.   I am not certain, Name Withheld, that all is fun and games as your Christian swinging friends purport. The great risk is that one spouse falls in love with some one else’s spouse. Time will tell, but my guess is that somewhere along the line, later or sooner, some one or other is going to get hurt and a lot of little children are going to grow up with the wrong mommy and daddy.   Most everyone in the baseball world was shocked when two New York Yankee, left-handed pitchers, swapped wives, families, children and dogs. Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich were best friends in 1973 when they and their wives got to joking about swinging one evening at a restaurant. On thing led to another and not long afterwards their arrangement was made public during spring training. “We didn’t trade wives, we traded lives,” said Kekich.   While this was big news in every ball park in Midwestern America, in New York, in the era of the swinger, it simply wasn’t that big of a deal. Lee MacPhail, general manager of the Yankees inserted some club house humor in to the controversy when he joked, “We may have to cancel family day.”   How did it all work out? Peterson was routinely booed on the road after the swap and Kekich never regained his former proficiency. In fact, Kekich was 2-5, 7.48 era, after the announcement of the wife-swap. “My whole career went into a black hole,” said Kekich.   Fritz Peterson ended up with a life partner. He and Susanne Kekich are still married and have had four children together. Imagine this; Peterson is now a Christian evangelist. Does it get any stranger than that?!   On the other hand, things didn’t work out so well for Kekich. His relationship with Marilyn Peterson soon soured . They never did get married and split up completely just two years later. He got hurt; she got hurt. Can you imagine the pain, confusion and hurt among their kids?   I mention both of the above stories because I predict that unless repentance and purity soon avail, your swinging Christian friends and their children will end up devastated.   So, in approaching them, you may save a marriage and more than one family. How do you proceed? Let me share a few Biblical guidelines.   First, you have God’s approval in approaching them. In fact, Paul gave us the responsibility to guide them into truth and repentance: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted” ( Galatians 6:1-2 ). I doubt that you’ll be tempted to join their activities as Paul warns us; however, you can make it your goal to restore them to the Faith.   Second, pick the right time and place. You can do the right thing at the wrong time, or the wrong thing at the right time; but, wise are those who know just when and how to share the right thing at the right time.   Third, share your love and concern for them.   Fourth, gently show them the Biblical truths of Ephesians 5:3 ; and Hebrews 13:4-5 . I would also discuss with them 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 : “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”   Remind them that they are redeemed out of sinful immorality by the blood of Christ and Jesus expects them to act like it.   Discuss 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 : “From sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.   Fifth, forward this Ask Roger answer to them.   If they listen to you, repent and forsake their sin, you may not only have salvaged some families, but you very well may have helped save their souls from Hell.   Unfortunately, you concerns about sabotaging the relationship are very real. Unfortunately, my experience is that they will most likely reject you, your Biblical truth and your friendship. They’ll dismiss you as “judgmental”. Sorry. Sin often separates relationships. Sorry. Your relationship with them may be restored after they repent, confess their sin and forsake their behaviors. But, until then, your relationship will be functionally dead.   You didn’t mention whether or not the swinging couples were connected to a church or small group. In many ways a Christian small group functions like a church. If they are involved in a small group, it is the responsibility of the leaders of the group to approach the swingers several times with an increasing number of group members in order to lead them to repentance. If they respond, great! If they don’t, Jesus taught that they are to be excluded and no longer allowed to be in the group:   If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector ( Matthew 18:15-17 ).   Paul affirmed this procedure in dealing with a case of sexual immorality in the First Baptist Church of Corinth:   It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father’s wife. And you are proud! Shouldn’t you rather have been filled with grief and have put out of your fellowship the man who did this? … hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord ( 1 Corinthians 5:1-5 ).   The misplaced pride among the Corinthian church members regarding the sexual sin in their midst may well parallel the pride and cavalier attitude of your swinging friends.   When (hopefully not “if”) your friends come to their senses and once again seek purity, then welcome them back into the fellowship according to Paul’s guidelines in 2 Corinthians 2:6-9 :   The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.   Finally, it may be that your friends attend a church where they are not involved and not known. Unfortunately, in this case, you will be unable to enlist the help of others to help you confront the swingers. Whatever you do, don’t go alone into their presence. Have a prayer partner and/or a godly Christian accompany you. It is never good to confront sin alone.   God Speed. Good Luck. God Bless. May the Holy Spirit go before you and prepare their swinging hearts to receive forgiveness and restoration.   Sincerely, Roger